Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Erzengel]

kane, have you had some discussions with your fiance?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Right. We live in SoCal, and here (as well as NorCal), you really do have to be filthy rich to afford a house. Everything that's not in gangland is over a million dollars.

Given how we avoid corporate jobs, I don't think we'll ever be able to afford our own house.

Just depends on where you end up, I'd say. Corporations, unless you're at the top of them aren't necessarily a great gateway for money.

Although back on topic, I'm a little wary when girls tell me what *they* like in a guy, rather than looking at the guy and trying to determine that for myself. If I had to label a universially attractive trait it's resourcefulness. Now, someone may be a resourceful hermit, or a recluse/highly introverted, and as a result no one would notice that person or few will. However if women are aware of a guy's resourcefulness, it seems to me there is some attraction that comes from this.

Girls and women always mention personalities as if they exist in a vaccuum, but your personality is merely everyone else's reading of what you've done, and to a lesser extent what you say, but mostly what you do. If someone lost everything they'd had because they couldn't stop gambling, or got stooped in drugs, or whatever, we see that as a personality change. It comes as a physical manifestation. No one truly cares what someone is on the inside, it's what they do and more importantly what they can contribute that counts.

 

[Anita18]

Just depends on where you end up, I'd say. Corporations, unless you're at the top of them aren't necessarily a great gateway for money.

My mom was a contractor, no management responsibilities in the least, and made close to 6 figures. My dad supplemented, so as a team they were pulling in a little more than 6 figures. A few years of good saving and you could buy a house with that.

Where we are, searching out small startups, you can either make scads of money or end up what I'm making now as an entry-level scientist. The latter is what my dad made before he finally retired, because he always picked crappy companies that always went under.

Although back on topic, I'm a little wary when girls tell me what *they* like in a guy, rather than looking at the guy and trying to determine that for myself. If I had to label a universially attractive trait it's resourcefulness. Now, someone may be a resourceful hermit, or a recluse/highly introverted, and as a result no one would notice that person or few will. However if women are aware of a guy's resourcefulness, it seems to me there is some attraction that comes from this.

Girls and women always mention personalities as if they exist in a vaccuum, but your personality is merely everyone else's reading of what you've done, and to a lesser extent what you say, but mostly what you do. If someone lost everything they'd had because they couldn't stop gambling, or got stooped in drugs, or whatever, we see that as a personality change. It comes as a physical manifestation. No one truly cares what someone is on the inside, it's what they do and more importantly what they can contribute that counts.

But when you're close with someone, you can detect small physical manifestations as they spring off of internal personality changes.

Personalities also shift with mood. If you're with someone long enough, you'd be able to figure out what their general personality is, but most people aren't robots.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I purposefully reworded that to avoid directly quoting Batman, lol. True statement though.

But when you're close with someone, you can detect small physical manifestations as they spring off of internal personality changes.

Personalities also shift with mood. If you're with someone long enough, you'd be able to figure out what their general personality is, but most people aren't robots.

Agreed. But even indirectly you're noticing a change in behavior. Doesn't mean you leave him at the first sign of trouble though. That wouldn't be a rational decision either.

There's a tit for tat in all relationships though, just depends on wants/needs.

 

[TLH]

Question. Need some advice.

Long story short. Girlfriend wants to go away to a different city for school. I have a lot rooted here (family, friends, future etc) and would also (unfortunately) be sacrificing a potentially amazing pension. FYI, I'm 25 and a teacher. The pensions here are quite strong if you work your whole career here. However, new hires (or teachers who leave and then come back) are given a different pension, worth significantly less.

My girlfriend has definitely made a few sacrifices for me as she's decided to stay in this city (which she's not crazy about, even though it is her hometown, she just hates the winter). I would probably be willing to make the sacrifice and leave if I wasn't giving up amazing security for the long-term, especially because she's going away only for two years. But it's a bit of a deal-breaker for me. I like it here and have a lot here. And while I know her leaving is temporary, it sure puts a dent in my/our future.

Am I being selfish? Should I go? Should we try long-distance? I'm just looking out for my and hopefully her future. It's a bit of a problem.

 

[Pfeiffer-Pfan]

That is a huge problem. Does she understand your concern about it all?

I would try talking to her first just to gauge her feelings more accurately.

 

[TLH]

That is a huge problem. Does she understand your concern about it all?

I would try talking to her first just to gauge her feelings more accurately.

Oh we've talked a lot about it. She says she understands my concern, but she wants to go still.

 

[Pfeiffer-Pfan]

Oh we've talked a lot about it. She says she understands my concern, but she wants to go still.

Hmm... I suppose there really is no easy answer.

Only you will know what feels truly right. But my initial instinct tells me that you shouldn't do the long distance thing and another part of me (although not the logical part) feels you should stop worrying about pensions and all that and just go live life with your girlfriend.

I really feel for you. It'll be a tough decision... and I know it's hard to throw away the prospect of security, but none of us really know what is around the corner and should just start living life instead of overly planning it.

 

[Anita18]

Question. Need some advice.

Long story short. Girlfriend wants to go away to a different city for school. I have a lot rooted here (family, friends, future etc) and would also (unfortunately) be sacrificing a potentially amazing pension. FYI, I'm 25 and a teacher. The pensions here are quite strong if you work your whole career here. However, new hires (or teachers who leave and then come back) are given a different pension, worth significantly less.

My girlfriend has definitely made a few sacrifices for me as she's decided to stay in this city (which she's not crazy about, even though it is her hometown, she just hates the winter). I would probably be willing to make the sacrifice and leave if I wasn't giving up amazing security for the long-term, especially because she's going away only for two years. But it's a bit of a deal-breaker for me. I like it here and have a lot here. And while I know her leaving is temporary, it sure puts a dent in my/our future.

Am I being selfish? Should I go? Should we try long-distance? I'm just looking out for my and hopefully her future. It's a bit of a problem.

Does it really? I have a friend from Missouri who went out to California for college. 4 years, she was apart from her high school sweetheart. It was hard, but they made it work. They got married a few years after they both graduated and now they're raising twin daughters together in their hometown.

Early on in our relationship, I told my fiance of my plan of going abroad for a medical illustration program. He said, "You should do it!" Not one word uttered about himself or the relationship. That's when I knew I had a true cheerleader by my side, and that he was worth keeping. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve someone so unconditionally supportive.

The plan for medical illustration never materialized, but I never forgot what he told me. I try to pay him back - he moved upstate for a job and we saw each other every other weekend for about 6 months until he quit. I told him, we can make this work, if this is what you really want.

I don't know if your behavior is selfish. It depends on your reasons. What are you afraid of? That she won't want to move back once she leaves town? That she'll ask you to move away with her and you give up (potential) job security? That you want to get married and/or have kids in the next 2 years and her being away would make you drastically rethink your timeline?

I will tell you one thing. You're only 25. There's no telling if there's going to be this awesome pension waiting for you once you retire at 65. 40 years is a LONG time to look forward to a sweet pension, especially in this volatile, modern economy. I don't think you should depend on external factors for security. Security comes from within, and depends on your own preparation.

Maybe you'll get laid off, or a new superintendent gets hired and turns the whole system upside down. Maybe a hurricane will flood your city and render your entire district inoperable for the next 5 years. True story, happened to my boss. He was on the tenure track at Tulane even though they hated New Orleans, then Katrina came in and solved everything for them. He could wait until the lab got rebuilt (losing years of precious research time), or they could leave for better. They moved to California.

But I dunno, I don't know where you live. Maybe this awesome pension will be waiting for you 40 years down the road. I (my family, my friends) come from the fast world of technology, where almost any company could crash and burn within a year. We never depend on our employers to look out for us - we have to take care of ourselves. Keep up our skills, always be educated. With a good supportive partner at your side, that stuff can be pretty easy.

 

[knowsbleed]

Yeah, you're being selfish.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, you're being selfish.

I think he's being more naive than selfish, but yeah sure.

 

[hellblazer103]

hmm...


so i'm curious on y'all negros' opinions on this.


and by that i mean anyone who is or isn't black, race doesnt matter, i just wanted to say "negros ".

i'm starting to really like this girl and it seems she has a thing for me too, only thing is she's kind of friends with my ex. who hates me. who i hate as well. there's a ****load of problems between us basically.

but it seems this ex has already talked **** to her about me , as usual, saying how i'm such an ******* and that she should never date me cause i'll "hurt " her. because i'm abusive. yes, that's the rumour that this unholy super ***** has been spreading. and plenty of others i'm sure.

she already says she doesn't care what my ex says about me and doesn't believe it, and that she's getting tired of her **** too anyways. but i just don't want this ***** to try and intrude on my relationship, she's ****ed with my life enough already. i want absolutely nothing to do with this girl. but i DO want many things to do with her friend. i mean umm.... yea .

what do ?

 

[Anita18]

hmm...


so i'm curious on y'all negros' opinions on this.


and by that i mean anyone who is or isn't black, race doesnt matter, i just wanted to say "negros ".

i'm starting to really like this girl and it seems she has a thing for me too, only thing is she's kind of friends with my ex. who hates me. who i hate as well. there's a ****load of problems between us basically.

but it seems this ex has already talked **** to her about me , as usual, saying how i'm such an ******* and that she should never date me cause i'll "hurt " her. because i'm abusive. yes, that's the rumour that this unholy super ***** has been spreading. and plenty of others i'm sure.

she already says she doesn't care what my ex says about me and doesn't believe it, and that she's getting tired of her **** too anyways. but i just don't want this ***** to try and intrude on my relationship, she's ****ed with my life enough already. i want absolutely nothing to do with this girl. but i DO want many things to do with her friend. i mean umm.... yea .

what do ?

If the friend seems cool, might as well try it out. If the ex goes beyond trash-talking you and physically tries to interfere, then it gets more complicated. But it hasn't escalated to that, so I figure take it one step at a time. It is equally likely that the ex ditches this friend if she starts to date you.

 

[TLH]

Yeah, you're being selfish.

But I did support her by saying she should definitely do it. I never denied her it. I just said I wouldn't be able to follow. So it's complicated because she's saying I'm not compromising for her by going. She wants me to go and doesn't want to go without me.

 

[Anita18]

But I did support her by saying she should definitely do it. I never denied her it. I just said I wouldn't be able to follow. So it's complicated because she's saying I'm not compromising for her by going. She wants me to go and doesn't want to go without me.

Do you really think that pension is going to be waiting for you 40 years from now? That everything is going to go according to plan?

Cause my boss really thought so too, until a hurricane came into town. And he was a good 10 years older than you at the time.

Look, I'm not saying that you should follow your gf because she wants to do it. I just think your main reason to stay is incredibly presumptuous. If you're 50, you can hope for that pension right now. But you're 25, and it can completely change between now and 2053. Just think about how long that is to waiting on something that's technically out of your control.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Question. Need some advice.

Long story short. Girlfriend wants to go away to a different city for school. I have a lot rooted here (family, friends, future etc) and would also (unfortunately) be sacrificing a potentially amazing pension. FYI, I'm 25 and a teacher. The pensions here are quite strong if you work your whole career here. However, new hires (or teachers who leave and then come back) are given a different pension, worth significantly less.

My girlfriend has definitely made a few sacrifices for me as she's decided to stay in this city (which she's not crazy about, even though it is her hometown, she just hates the winter). I would probably be willing to make the sacrifice and leave if I wasn't giving up amazing security for the long-term, especially because she's going away only for two years. But it's a bit of a deal-breaker for me. I like it here and have a lot here. And while I know her leaving is temporary, it sure puts a dent in my/our future.

Am I being selfish? Should I go? Should we try long-distance? I'm just looking out for my and hopefully her future. It's a bit of a problem.

Two years ago my girlfriend was having a real hard time at work basically being pushed out of her job because management had a problem with her personally. She was looking for a job and found one where she interned during college. Only problem it was across the country, she wasn't going to take it without me. So I moved to a city where that I had never been to before, leaving my family and friends, the only person I knew was my girlfriend. It was the easiest, hard decision I ever made. I knew she had to take the job and if I didn't support that, said I won't move, she would always wonder what if. We're now married, still incredibly happy, I found a better job in the new city. The question you need to really ask is what's more important, a pension, that might not be there (thinking you'll stay in the same job your entire career is naive) or your girlfriend?

 

[kane9321]

kane, have you had some discussions with your fiance?

Yes ERZ..we had our talk... WE ARE DONE. Broke up with her sunday...Too much stress. We had another argument over church this past saturday..MY GOD

 

[Erzengel]

Sorry to hear that. But I think it's probably for the best.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah, I hadn't chimed in, but from what've read so far from you it sounds like you made the right choice.

I'd say I'm sorry, but in all reality, be glad you did this now. The longer you wait, and the deeper you get, the worse it would've been.

 

[kane9321]

Question. Need some advice.

Long story short. Girlfriend wants to go away to a different city for school. I have a lot rooted here (family, friends, future etc) and would also (unfortunately) be sacrificing a potentially amazing pension. FYI, I'm 25 and a teacher. The pensions here are quite strong if you work your whole career here. However, new hires (or teachers who leave and then come back) are given a different pension, worth significantly less.

My girlfriend has definitely made a few sacrifices for me as she's decided to stay in this city (which she's not crazy about, even though it is her hometown, she just hates the winter). I would probably be willing to make the sacrifice and leave if I wasn't giving up amazing security for the long-term, especially because she's going away only for two years. But it's a bit of a deal-breaker for me. I like it here and have a lot here. And while I know her leaving is temporary, it sure puts a dent in my/our future.

Am I being selfish? Should I go? Should we try long-distance? I'm just looking out for my and hopefully her future. It's a bit of a problem.

Bro, that pension may not be there in 20-30 yrs

 

[kane9321]

Sorry to hear that. But I think it's probably for the best.

Thanks.. Her path is with god and thats not where I'm at right now

 

[kane9321]

Yeah, I hadn't chimed in, but from what've read so far from you it sounds like you made the right choice.

I'd say I'm sorry, but in all reality, be glad you did this now. The longer you wait, and the deeper you get, the worse it would've been.

Even My coworkers said.."Damn fool ,,,YOU DODGED A BIG HUGE BULLET,there would have been no compromising with her whatsoever if you would have gotten married"

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Even My coworkers said.."Damn fool ,,,YOU DODGED A BIG HUGE BULLET,there would have been no compromising with her whatsoever if you would have gotten married"

...Or had a kid.

Exactly what he said though. Your relationship lacks any legal status until you get married [or have kids] basically. It's not the same when you have to lawyer up to walk out.

Also, realistically, you can always go back in this scenario. I mean it might not seem that way now, but you still have a lot of life left, so there's plenty of time for you and her. You had questions, and if you just shut up about them, they would've come up...eventually, and it could've been after you had gotten married.

 

[Anita18]

Sorry to hear that. But I think it's probably for the best.

Hear hear. It's always said when a relationship ends, but it's really best that you did this now.

 

[Anita18]

...Or had a kid.

Exactly what he said though. Your relationship lacks any legal status until you get married [or have kids] basically. It's not the same when you have to lawyer up to walk out.

Seriously. Even when both parties agree to divorce and do it amicably, it's still a huge pain.