Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[grout]

Yeah, anytime you see lawyers it's a hassle. Even amicable divorces have lawyer fees, and those are, heh, quite expensive.

Tell me about it,,, i never want t go through that again..

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Huh, I think I may quit criminal law and become a divorce lawyer.

The money in criminal law is nowhere near as good. That's what I thought about doing and they say some criminal lawyers might as well be waiters when you factor out the student loan repayments.

 

[grout]

The money in criminal law is nowhere near as good. That's what I thought about doing and they say some criminal lawyers might as well be waiters when you factor out the student loan repayments.

Agreed,, school is getting to be that way period..

 

[The Shape]

so.

how do you stop someone from doing drugs?

this was one place i was always conscious about and was always avoiding. i never wanted to be in a place where i'm that sap who wants to "save her from her bad addiction" and then start crying over it. heck. i turned two people down just because of it.

but now. even after knowing how much i'm not okay with it, my girlfriend keeps on smoking up pot with her gal-pals and then cries over how she's afraid i'm going to leave her. her justification? it helps her to "feel." her other justification: she's been uptight all her life and just wants to let off some steam. her other-other justification: everytime she does it she's honest about letting me know. Her latest justification: i need you to see me high just once and i'll stop because i can't express myself right and convince you that i love you so much.

I dont want to pull the extreme card and say drop it or i'm gone. not yet. it hasn't gotten that bad yet. but it does bother me that she feels compelled to smoke up. i told her that and she promises that this is the last time because it was at her best friend's birthday. hell even her friend phoned me up at 4 in the morning because she had started throwing up and was all bad. i couldn't go over because i was out of town at the time.

i'm trying not to wuss up and nag about it every other day but... god damn it, i never wanted to be the guy who tells his girlfriend to quit doing drugs.

Truthfully, pot is relatively harmless and incomparable to most drugs. It's not even really a drug (more like an herb), but was mis-labeled as a narcotic almost a century ago and has had that stigma attached to it since then.

But it seems like marijuana is something you strongly dislike and refuse to do yourself? If so, and if you do not approve of what your girlfriend does, you might want to consider breaking up with her and moving on.

HOWEVER, if you truly love this person and she means a lot to you, you might want to consider that (for now) this is just a part of who she is. Other than the reasons you mentioned that your girlfriend has used to defend her pot smoking, I'm willing to bet the biggest reason that she blazes up is because she likes it. She has fun doing it and maybe it doesn't impact her life negatively. She could possibly be using some of those ridiculous excuses because she doesn't know how else to explain herself to someone who strongly disapproves of her habit. Unless she's ditching her responsibilities and smoking every day multiple times a day, maybe she's fine with her life the way it is and doesn't see why she should stop. If you love everything else about her, maybe you should consider accepting this part of her, as well. Plus, weed smoking is a hell of a lot better and less disgusting than cigarette smoking.

In terms of her getting high and getting sick, that sounds pretty strange and doesn't align with the effects of marijuana. I've never heard of someone commonly getting high and then throwing up on a regular basis. There's a chance your girl is into other kinds of drugs, which is an entirely different issue.

 

[The Shape]

I dunno, it does sound like self-destructive behavior even if it isn't an uber-harmful drug like meth. It's akin to alcohol, if anything. You've got to determine whether tolerating the self-destructive behavior is worth the relationship, because she won't change unless she decides she wants to. Even if you try to give her alternatives.

She feels she NEEDS the drug in order to have fun. That's just on a level that you're not on. And I get that - I don't understand it either. Even if she wasn't on that particular drug, the fact that she feels she needs to relinquish control of herself to feel happy is a basic personality difference that would be a dealbreaker in many, many relationships. You just have to decide whether you're on the ride with her or whether it's time to hop off.

I just don't see how smoking weed can be considered self-destructive, unless she throws up EVERY TIME in which case it would appear her body has some sort of harmful reaction to it, which is the first time in my life that I've ever heard of anything like that.

Also, since we're talking about it, marijuana does not cause someone to "lose control" of themselves, no matter how much you smoke. You never cease to be yourself when smoking pot. Your mind is not necessarily altered the way it is when you're drunk or on shrooms or LSD. The worst symptoms of marijuana (out of the TRUE symptoms, not what police officers attempt to teach you in high school anti-drug seminars) are red eyes, cotton mouth, and the desire to sit on a couch and eat a Hot Pocket.

We're not talking about painkillers or heroin here so let's keep that in mind.

 

[Spider-Who?]

I just don't see how smoking weed can be considered self-destructive, unless she throws up EVERY TIME in which case it would appear her body has some sort of harmful reaction to it, which is the first time in my life that I've ever heard of anything like that.

Also, since we're talking about it, marijuana does not cause someone to "lose control" of themselves, no matter how much you smoke. You never cease to be yourself when smoking pot. Your mind is not necessarily altered the way it is when you're drunk or on shrooms or LSD. The worst symptoms of marijuana (out of the TRUE symptoms, not what police officers attempt to teach you in high school anti-drug seminars) are red eyes, cotton mouth, and the desire to sit on a couch and eat a Hot Pocket.

We're not talking about painkillers or heroin here so let's keep that in mind.

There's also the paranoia. That's actually what made me stop smoking weed. After smoking recreationally for several years, I started to develop "the fear", so I stopped a couple years ago. I've since tried it a couple times here and there thinking it was just a weird phase (my life had been less than perfect at the time, but since gotten much better), and yet I still had the same outcome; a terrible self-loathing, over analysis, and fear of what others where thinking.

All that being said, yes, weed - at its worst - is much better than most other drugs, and I too can't think of a single instance where someone was physically ill from having a joint or bong hit.

 

[The Shape]

There's also the paranoia. That's actually what made me stop smoking weed. After smoking recreationally for several years, I started to develop "the fear", so I stopped a couple years ago. I've since tried it a couple times here and there thinking it was just a weird phase (my life had been less than perfect at the time, but since gotten much better), and yet I still had the same outcome; a terrible self-loathing, over analysis, and fear of what others where thinking.

All that being said, yes, weed - at its worst - is much better than most other drugs, and I too can't think of a single instance where someone was physically ill from having a joint or bong hit.

That, too, seems like a rare and rather extreme case of paranoia. More often than not, the "fear" is the fear of getting busted in your car by the cops. LOL

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I stop once I start getting laid on a regular basis, honestly. But I'm not home a lot anyways so I really don't go through that much of it either.

 

[Anita18]

I just don't see how smoking weed can be considered self-destructive, unless she throws up EVERY TIME in which case it would appear her body has some sort of harmful reaction to it, which is the first time in my life that I've ever heard of anything like that.

Also, since we're talking about it, marijuana does not cause someone to "lose control" of themselves, no matter how much you smoke. You never cease to be yourself when smoking pot. Your mind is not necessarily altered the way it is when you're drunk or on shrooms or LSD. The worst symptoms of marijuana (out of the TRUE symptoms, not what police officers attempt to teach you in high school anti-drug seminars) are red eyes, cotton mouth, and the desire to sit on a couch and eat a Hot Pocket.

We're not talking about painkillers or heroin here so let's keep that in mind.

Not necessarily "losing control" as in "losing your mind," but giving power to something other than herself to make her feel something she seeks. She doesn't have fun any other way, aside from smoking pot. She NEEDS it to have fun. Don't you feel that's different from people choosing to have fun by playing video games with friends or going on a hike? If she's dependent on it that much, that is something I personally don't understand. But that's why I can't be in a relationship with such people.

I'm not against marijuana usage on its own. Again, my fiance smokes it every once in a while, but he doesn't have any negative reactions. And he doesn't claim to need it, nor do I see any signs of dependence. I too have never heard of someone getting physically sick off pot, but if she is, and on a regular basis, don't you think she lessen using it, for her own health?

I think a bunch of people here are seeing "pot" and thinking, "Yeah, that's no big deal" without reading Nave's other stuff about her getting sick and being dependent on it.

 

[The Shape]

Not necessarily "losing control" as in "losing your mind," but giving power to something other than herself to make her feel something she seeks. She doesn't have fun any other way, aside from smoking pot. She NEEDS it to have fun. Don't you feel that's different from people choosing to have fun by playing video games with friends or going on a hike? If she's dependent on it that much, that is something I personally don't understand. But that's why I can't be in a relationship with such people.

I'm not against marijuana usage on its own. Again, my fiance smokes it every once in a while, but he doesn't have any negative reactions. And he doesn't claim to need it, nor do I see any signs of dependence. I too have never heard of someone getting physically sick off pot, but if she is, and on a regular basis, don't you think she lessen using it, for her own health?

I think a bunch of people here are seeing "pot" and thinking, "Yeah, that's no big deal" without reading Nave's other stuff about her getting sick and being dependent on it.

I did read his posts about it. However, I don't mean to offend at all him by saying this, but I think Nave may be exaggerating the situation or potentially being a little over-dramatic about it. I was just offering my two cents and a varying opinion on the matter.

BTW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

[Erzengel]

 

[Anita18]

I did read his posts about it. However, I don't mean to offend at all him by saying this, but I think Nave may be exaggerating the situation or potentially being a little over-dramatic about it. I was just offering my two cents and a varying opinion on the matter.

BTW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Pssh, if we assumed everybody is exaggerating their situation in this thread, we wouldn't have a thread!

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Pssh, if we assumed everybody is exaggerating their situation in this thread, we wouldn't have a thread!

This thread:
"So I talked to this girl yesterday..."

"No you didn't, don't lie. You looked at porn".

 

[amazingfantasy15]

so.

how do you stop someone from doing drugs?

this was one place i was always conscious about and was always avoiding. i never wanted to be in a place where i'm that sap who wants to "save her from her bad addiction" and then start crying over it. heck. i turned two people down just because of it.

but now. even after knowing how much i'm not okay with it, my girlfriend keeps on smoking up pot with her gal-pals and then cries over how she's afraid i'm going to leave her. her justification? it helps her to "feel." her other justification: she's been uptight all her life and just wants to let off some steam. her other-other justification: everytime she does it she's honest about letting me know. Her latest justification: i need you to see me high just once and i'll stop because i can't express myself right and convince you that i love you so much.

I dont want to pull the extreme card and say drop it or i'm gone. not yet. it hasn't gotten that bad yet. but it does bother me that she feels compelled to smoke up. i told her that and she promises that this is the last time because it was at her best friend's birthday. hell even her friend phoned me up at 4 in the morning because she had started throwing up and was all bad. i couldn't go over because i was out of town at the time.

i'm trying not to wuss up and nag about it every other day but... god damn it, i never wanted to be the guy who tells his girlfriend to quit doing drugs.

Did you know she smoked pot before you started dating her? If you did it's not really fair to demand (that's what you're doing whether you chose to admit it or not) that her behavior change just for you. I really don't think we're getting the full story on the puking angle, I've never known anyone to puke from weed, she was probably drinking heavily too. Is her something impacting her school or work life? If it's not, then she's not addicted. If she's just smoking with her friends while you're not around what does it matter?

Correct me if im wrong but I feel like other people have been through this:

You date someone whos a "6" or "7" but through their interactions with you they become an"8", "9", or even "10- plus" and you two break up for whatever reasons. Then after a year of them trying to win you back and you being over them and not really wanting anything other than a friendship they find someone new and start acting happy again without you. Is it wrong to be pissed not that they moved on but that this other person they moved on with is reaping the benefits of this person you helped "create?"

Yes it is wrong because you think this girls owes you something because you believe you "created" her. Maybe you helped her come out of her shell, but you don't hold any claim over her, plus you rejected her. Seems like you've got some control issues you need to work on.

When the person you have affections for is indecisive about his/her feelings for you all while stringing you along as he/she juggles you with another woman it's time gather your pride and leave.

Have you gone out with this guy? Have you ever had a real conversation even? If you are actually going on dates with the guy and know he's seeing someone else you need to have "the talk" see where things are headed. If you're not going on real dates then he is not stringing you along, he's not interested because if he was he'd ask you out.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Truthfully, pot is relatively harmless and incomparable to most drugs. It's not even really a drug (more like an herb), but was mis-labeled as a narcotic almost a century ago and has had that stigma attached to it since then.

But it seems like marijuana is something you strongly dislike and refuse to do yourself? If so, and if you do not approve of what your girlfriend does, you might want to consider breaking up with her and moving on.

HOWEVER, if you truly love this person and she means a lot to you, you might want to consider that (for now) this is just a part of who she is.

I appreciate your advice but those are a bit extreme. It's not like people can't change. It's not like she doesn't want to. I told her how much it bothered me. I told her why. She promised she wouldn't continue it and that she'd work to stop it. It's not like she's already an addict. I don't have to accept it if it isn't a part of who she is, and I refuse to believe I'd break up with her just for this.

Other than the reasons you mentioned that your girlfriend has used to defend her pot smoking, I'm willing to bet the biggest reason that she blazes up is because she likes it. She has fun doing it and maybe it doesn't impact her life negatively.

It's obvious that people like getting high but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's something everyone can control. She certainly can't. And it is effecting her life negatively. The intense emotional episodes she goes into while under pot (and it's surprising how intense they were while still being something as light a substance as marijuana) are straining and not exactly what you would call "fun."

She could possibly be using some of those ridiculous excuses because she doesn't know how else to explain herself to someone who strongly disapproves of her habit. Unless she's ditching her responsibilities and smoking every day multiple times a day, maybe she's fine with her life the way it is and doesn't see why she should stop. If you love everything else about her, maybe you should consider accepting this part of her, as well. Plus, weed smoking is a hell of a lot better and less disgusting than cigarette smoking.

I find both repulsive though. Thing is, she used those ridiculous excuses because the entire practice was whimsical and uncharacteristic on her part. It's a habit I was afraid she was starting to develop, so I'm doing what I can to make sure she doesn't let it grow. Marijuana isn't exactly the addictive drug that stays with you and I'm sure after college these impulses would go away, but that's far ahead. I'm concerned with her habits now. If the case was different I wouldn't have told her to change herself for my sake.

No. Bottom line, we talked. She made a promise. I have faith in her enough that she will keep it.

In terms of her getting high and getting sick, that sounds pretty strange and doesn't align with the effects of marijuana. I've never heard of someone commonly getting high and then throwing up on a regular basis. There's a chance your girl is into other kinds of drugs, which is an entirely different issue.

No that wasn't the case. You can throw up from having the wrong kind of food if it upsets you. Let's not jump to conclusions.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Not necessarily "losing control" as in "losing your mind," but giving power to something other than herself to make her feel something she seeks. She doesn't have fun any other way, aside from smoking pot. She NEEDS it to have fun. Don't you feel that's different from people choosing to have fun by playing video games with friends or going on a hike? If she's dependent on it that much, that is something I personally don't understand. But that's why I can't be in a relationship with such people.

I'm not against marijuana usage on its own. Again, my fiance smokes it every once in a while, but he doesn't have any negative reactions. And he doesn't claim to need it, nor do I see any signs of dependence. I too have never heard of someone getting physically sick off pot, but if she is, and on a regular basis, don't you think she lessen using it, for her own health?

I think a bunch of people here are seeing "pot" and thinking, "Yeah, that's no big deal" without reading Nave's other stuff about her getting sick and being dependent on it.

Thank you Anita. Once again.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Did you know she smoked pot before you started dating her? If you did it's not really fair to demand (that's what you're doing whether you chose to admit it or not) that her behavior change just for you. I really don't think we're getting the full story on the puking angle, I've never known anyone to puke from weed, she was probably drinking heavily too. Is her something impacting her school or work life? If it's not, then she's not addicted. If she's just smoking with her friends while you're not around what does it matter?

It matters to me because I find the behaviour repulsive. I knew she smoked once or twice before but she was only doing it for fun and never claimed to be dependent on it.

No I didn't know she was dependent on it before we started dating because... she wasn't.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I did read his posts about it. However, I don't mean to offend at all him by saying this, but I think Nave may be exaggerating the situation or potentially being a little over-dramatic about it. I was just offering my two cents and a varying opinion on the matter.

This isn't the first time I've heard that on this thread. And honestly, it's *****ing tiring. If you don't believe what I post and simply think I'm misinforming you about my personal life (which is a mentality I don't get) then just don't respond to it.

There's one thing in trying to get everyone's opinion on something that's bothering, and something entirely different in trying to convince everyone that I have something that actually bothers me.

If I wanted to **** out melodramatic fiction I'd go get a job on the CW network.

 

[The Shape]

This isn't the first time I've heard that on this thread. And honestly, it's *****ing tiring. If you don't believe what I post and simply think I'm misinforming you about my personal life (which is a mentality I don't get) then just don't respond to it.

There's one thing in trying to get everyone's opinion on something that's bothering, and something entirely different in trying to convince everyone that I have something that actually bothers me.

If I wanted to **** out melodramatic fiction I'd go get a job on the CW network.

Again, did not mean to offend you. It's just that you had indicated that you were either in high school or college. During that time, smoking up once in awhile is usually not that big of a deal. You'd have a much bigger problem if she was a 26-year-old pothead or something like that. And I didn't say you were lying to us or anything like that. I meant that in your mind, you may be exaggerating the gravity of your situation...the importance of it.

Also, you claim that she is dependent "on pot", and yet from what you've posted, it doesn't seem like your girl smokes weed every day by any means, at least that you know of. I could be wrong. But if she's only smoking occasionally or recreationally, using the word "dependent" is a bit extreme, even if she claims that she "needs" it. She definitely doesn't need to that badly if she isn't smoking every day like clockwork.

I know that some of the things I'd said to you are not what you want to hear necessarily, but tough love can often be the best love. I don't want to sugar coat things and say "Oh, don't worry, she'll change!". My honest opinion is at the period of life that you're in, the last thing you should be doing is trying to control what your girlfriend does. If it repulses you so much, why are you still with her? And if you love her so much and refuse to break up with her over this, why don't you let nature take its course? Unless she starts doing real damage to herself somehow, you should stop worrying about her so much.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

I'm saying "hells naw" to relationships right now and am, instead, "hells yeah"ing promiscuous sex. Truthfully, it's refreshing. And it's kind of fun to say "no, but you can come over later," if she asks to go on a date.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Again, did not mean to offend you. It's just that you had indicated that you were either in high school or college. During that time, smoking up once in awhile is usually not that big of a deal. You'd have a much bigger problem if she was a 26-year-old pothead or something like that. And I didn't say you were lying to us or anything like that. I meant that in your mind, you may be exaggerating the gravity of your situation...the importance of it.

Also, you claim that she is dependent "on pot", and yet from what you've posted, it doesn't seem like your girl smokes weed every day by any means, at least that you know of. I could be wrong. But if she's only smoking occasionally or recreationally, using the word "dependent" is a bit extreme, even if she claims that she "needs" it. She definitely doesn't need to that badly if she isn't smoking every day like clockwork.

I know that some of the things I'd said to you are not what you want to hear necessarily, but tough love can often be the best love. I don't want to sugar coat things and say "Oh, don't worry, she'll change!". My honest opinion is at the period of life that you're in, the last thing you should be doing is trying to control what your girlfriend does. If it repulses you so much, why are you still with her? And if you love her so much and refuse to break up with her over this, why don't you let nature take its course? Unless she starts doing real damage to herself somehow, you should stop worrying about her so much.

Well I used the word "dependent" because that's what she felt like she was heading towards. She did confess that she felt like she was depending on it and that freaked me out. You develop habits. The activities she starts depending on now will stay with her when she's 26. Of course I'd be worried. I don't want her to start doing something that I find repulsive and would do anything to stop it if I can right away. And it's all good. She said she wouldn't and I trust her.

As for tough love, I don't need you to sugar-coat anything. Just don't jump to conclusions like "oh she may have been drunk" or "maybe she's doing something more than pot and not letting you know." That's dodging the issue.

Either way, thanks for your responses. I would've appreciated them more if you hadn't considered what I said an exaggeration. In an advice thread. It's fine. You're not the first.

The problem seems to have resided anyway. I feel like I should love her in moderation just so I could love her at all. And that's a painful concept for me. It is. It's like losing her. And I can't do that again.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I'm saying "hells naw" to relationships right now and am, instead, "hells yeah"ing promiscuous sex. Truthfully, it's refreshing. And it's kind of fun to say "no, but you can come over later," if she asks to go on a date.

If it works for you then who's saying no right? But why no to relationships? (I'm sorry I haven't been following this thread as much as I used to). If you find someone who you want to keep on having unrestrained sex with for a very long time, why not a relationship?

Speaking of promiscuous sex. This other girl. She's relentless. After she learned that I have a girlfriend she's still sending me messages of how she's "okay with mistresses" -- but in a weird "oh so this may not be in the Holy Scriptures but so-and-so was totally okay with mistresses, I think it's a good thing. People need sex. What's your take on it?" way. It's an indirect invite. She sent me pictures of her room the other day because she got a new Superman poster but that was just one, the rest of them were shots of her bedroom and her closet. We're not even that close as friends. This is the second time she's doing this. We have classes together and she just gets all awkward and sits nearby. I told her to stop sending me pictures of her bedroom. I'm trying to be as nice as I can but I don't think it works. Should I just outright tell her to *****in' stop if she pulls this again?

I have a girlfriend, I'm too much in love with her and I'm happy physically. For a conservative society like Dhaka (and it took me quite a while to figure out what "dating" means here), all of this feels a bit new and bizarre. I didn't know people here were so experimental. The funniest thing is, when I was all "screw relationships" a few months back, none of this came to the front. Now that I am in one... yeah.

(and for the record. no. I'm not exaggerating this. That would've involved a dungeon and something funkier than a Superman-poster). Advice, guys?

 

[The Original Bamfer]

If it works for you then who's saying no right? But why no to relationships? (I'm sorry I haven't been following this thread as much as I used to). If you find someone who you want to keep on having unrestrained sex with for a very long time, why not a relationship?

I'm still open to a relationship, I'm just not searching for one. I used to grow attached too easily, and it never ended well. It's nice to just have sex with someone that's, well, good at it. And even if I had sex repeatedly with someone, it doesn't mean I'll grow feelings for them. But if I did, I wouldn't deny it.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I'm still open to a relationship, I'm just not searching for one. I used to grow attached too easily, and it never ended well. It's nice to just have sex with someone that's, well, good at it. And even if I had sex repeatedly with someone, it doesn't mean I'll grow feelings for them. But if I did, I wouldn't deny it.

I understand completely where you're coming from. I was like that myself a few months back and it was liberating. Just don't close that door on relationships completely -- i know it sounds corny but what happened to me for a short time was that I actually didn't want to let my guard down and trust anyone. And i mean anyone. At all. People used to make compliments or do nice things I'd look for an ulterior motive.

What was sad was the fact that I was right. Every time. Paranoia is instinct. I'm saying, what you're doing is sound just be ready to face the fact that it'll become difficult to put your trust in someone later on if you ever get involved. But it wouldn't be impossible. Just difficult.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

I understand completely where you're coming from. I was like that myself a few months back and it was liberating. Just don't close that door on relationships completely -- i know it sounds corny but what happened to me for a short time was that I actually didn't want to let my guard down and trust anyone. And i mean anyone. At all. People used to make compliments or do nice things I'd look for an ulterior motive.

What was sad was the fact that I was right. Every time. Paranoia is instinct. I'm saying, what you're doing is sound just be ready to face the fact that it'll become difficult to put your trust in someone later on if you ever get involved. But it wouldn't be impossible. Just difficult.

We're on the same page. I don't trust much at face value. But I'm content, now, with that which I do trust.