Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[bullets]

Yeah, that's how I was with the girl my friend wanted to set me up with. First she told me that this girl was really into comics, artists and smart guys, which made her sound perfect. But then she told me she smoked, drank hard liquor, and had at least one tattoo and was planning to get more, which are my big three turn-offs. I was still willing to meet her, but alas we all know how that turned out.

I don't want to date a party girl either. I'd like someone who can go out and have fun but doesn't center her life around it. I'm just past that point.
There is lots of things you can do without getting drunk of course. I think you might have to give in once in a while but you can go to a club without drinking.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

But I think for me, I'll be more interested in a girl who doesn't feel the need to be at a party to have a good time. I mean there's plenty of other things to do on a friday night that don't involve staying home or partying that people can have fun with But I know a lot of people who feel like if you're not partying or drinking on a friday night or during the weekend, then it was a crappy weekend. And I just can't understand that.

Definitely do not start drinking or partying with drugs to make yourself more attractive. That is a bad idea, because it is changing a big part of who you are. When I say "work on ones self", I almost always mean their own self confidence, and to practice things like striking up small flirting and going for phone numbers.

You can try online dating, if you want, but a lot of guys have marginal luck with that if any as it’s a big sausage-fest but there is no harm in keeping a profile up and e-mailing a couple new girls a day, you may get some takers.

The other thing I suggest is doing more things out of your home, and when you do try to practice talking to women and trying to get numbers. There are all sorts of web sites with decent advice on how to do that. One simple thing to try is to flirt with and go for numbers just once in every place you go, succeed of fail, your objective is to try just once per place. Who knows? The perfect girl for you may be no further than the avocado rack at your local grocery store.

Work on your self confidence and the ability to flirt and transition into getting phone numbers. That can just come from trail and error, so don’t be afraid to fail. In fact if you fail so much you will get comfortable with being shot down. The benefit is you will become immune to being afraid of being shot down, impervious to rejection, and then these rejections will happen less and less, and soon you will be good at getting numbers.

The places she is not in, are the places you don’t want to be in anyway.
You never have to go and do things that you have a personal disgust for. Be sure to have standards so don’t let loneliness drive you to even accept a date with a girl who has habits that disgust you ever again.

 

[Anita18]

If someone is at the starting off point of never going out, of never socialising, never having been on a date, it's strangling their social and emotional development to advise them to stay indoors and find someone on the net, and then hopefully, you will meet someone who also likes to stay indoors all the time and you can both stay indoors all of the time.

You need a point in your life where you should be going out and interacting with the adult world, otherwise you're just gonna lose out on a lot of personal development.

Things like the internet has made it far too easy for people to give into being weak and scared of the 'big bad' world, it gives them an excuse that they are actually interacting with the world, when really, they are not.

I grew up being very introverted, but I pushed myself into going out and combating shyness. Being introverted is not always a natural state of being for people, what it can be a lot of the time is folk coming up with excuses to avoid their fears. And that should not be encouraged.

I dunno, most of the drama I've encountered in real life, I've managed quite well. My bf actually states it as one of the more admirable traits about me. I've met quite a number of extroverted people who can't handle ANYTHING themselves and need someone to hold their hand through everything. So it's never black and white.

Being introverted doesn't mean that you lock yourself up and don't go out at all. It just means that when you DO go out and interact with people, you need a lot of alone time to recharge.

One of the most self-reliant and centered people I know is my mom (ask all my relatives!), and she is perfectly fine going weeks without talking to another human being. As long as she's got the dog keeping her company, it's all good.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I dunno, most of the drama I've encountered in real life, I've managed quite well. My bf actually states it as one of the more admirable traits about me. I've met quite a number of extroverted people who can't handle ANYTHING themselves and need someone to hold their hand through everything. So it's never black and white.

Being introverted doesn't mean that you lock yourself up and don't go out at all. It just means that when you DO go out and interact with people, you need a lot of alone time to recharge.

One of the most self-reliant and centered people I know is my mom (ask all my relatives!), and she is perfectly fine going weeks without talking to another human being. As long as she's got the dog keeping her company, it's all good.

That just sounds...really depressing, cutting yourself off from the world like that. I have both my introvert and extrovert side, the extrovert side had to be developed, the introvert side came naturally, as it does to all people, because it is easy to be afraid of the 'big bad' world.
this thing you are talking about of 're-charging' after being outside, I mean, that does sound like fear you are reacting to, it does not sound like a natural or healthy process.

edit: This should not be encouraged in other people, sure, it's fine to be introverted, being a quiet person, but you should not be afraid of the world like that.

 

[Anita18]

That just sounds...really depressing, cutting yourself off from the world like that. I have both my introvert and extrovert side, the extrovert side had to be developed, the introvert side came naturally, as it does to all people, because it is easy to be afraid of the 'big bad' world.

this thing you are talking about of 're-charging' after being outside, I mean, that does sound like fear you are reacting to, it does not sound like a natural or healthy process.

Said exactly like an extrovert who doesn't understand introverts. I have cousins who are the same way. Believe me, an introvert is most happiest when they're self-confident in their introvertedness. I wasn't when I was with my first bf (who was an awkward extrovert) and I was MISERABLE.

My mom always has projects going and she does see people when they're in town. She also goes out to volunteer (which my true hermit-y dad would never do ) and is learning a lot from the people she meets there. She's hardly cutting herself off. At the same time, she doesn't feel the NEED to be around people for the sake of being around them. That's my point.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Said exactly like an extrovert who doesn't understand introverts. I have cousins who are the same way. Believe me, an introvert is most happiest when they're self-confident in their introvertedness. I wasn't when I was with my first bf (who was an awkward extrovert) and I was MISERABLE.

My mom always has projects going and she does see people when they're in town. She also goes out to volunteer (which my true hermit-y dad would never do ) and is learning a lot from the people she meets there. She's hardly cutting herself off. At the same time, she doesn't feel the NEED to be around people for the sake of being around them. That's my point.

I edited a bit onto my post....It's fine to be introverted, to be a quiet person, seeking quiet pursuits... But you should not be afraid of the world like that, having to 're-charge' after being out with other people, and this is what I am talking about, if you do not try to develop yourself socially and emotionally, then you will always be afraid of the world and miss out.
Maybe you should have played in a band...maybe you should go to see bands, maybe you'd love it, but you don't, cause an introvert on the net told you it was ok to stay indoors most of the time, and being on the net all the time was a perfectly healthy way to live....which it is not, *unless* it is your choice, and not part of a reaction to being scared of the world and not wanting to face it.

 

[DV8]

so I haven't been in a REAL relationship in a long time; I've been seeing a few different chicks here and there, and there are 2 that have kind of become major interests for me

One is a promotional model; she travels around a lot which means she is gone, but she has been published in several "booty model" mags (Lol) and has a CRAZY awesome work ethic; I know that I can help her do things with her career, but like I said she's gone a lot, and she does ditzy model stuff that kind of annoys me

the other girl just ended a VERY long relationship with her boyfriend. I think I was partly to blame, because I email her everyday and have basically become her emotional boyfriend. She is a your quintessential "good girl". Very cute to me, I like her fashion sense, and she's not a big attention ****e like a lot of females I'm use to dealing with (my own fault). She is also really into Batman and comic movies: A HUGE PLUS Lol

I don't have much of a question other than, while I'm taking it slow with the good girl; I don't want her to jump right into another relationship; and I don't want to be the rebound guy . . . I also don't want to just let her loose and have her get with another rebound guy that lasts another 8 years lol

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Go for it. Unless it's one of those deals where she's a good friend and you wouldn't want to ruin that. In that case, go for it.

Nope, she's not a good friend, not like that anyways. We're friends, but she's not like a super close friend or anything.

If anything, the "awkward" would be in the fact that she's in the department with me, so it could make future productions awkward, but ya know, maybe not too.

 

[Anita18]

I edited a bit onto my post....It's fine to be introverted, to be a quiet person, seeking quiet pursuits... But you should not be afraid of the world like that, having to 're-charge' after being out with other people, and this is what I am talking about, if you do not try to develop yourself socially and emotionally, then you will always be afraid of the world and miss out.

Maybe you should have played in a band...maybe you should go to see bands, maybe you'd love it, but you don't, cause an introvert on the net told you it was ok to stay indoors most of the time, and being on the net all the time was a perfectly healthy way to live....which it is not, *unless* it is your choice, and not part of a reaction to being scared of the world and not wanting to face it.

No quite literally, I get really really physically tired after being out with people, especially large groups. That's just how I am. That's how ALL introverts are. I'm all for seeing people and going out and trying new things (if only a lot of it didn't cost $$$ ) but I can only do that like, once a week.

My sister can go out every day and still keep going like an Energizer bunny. My mom can't do that, neither can I, but we're totally down for trying new things. If my dad had his way, he'd have a kitchen and bed in his study and live there 24/7. So I'm used to seeing it. My dad isn't really a people person, but there's definitely no fear there. In fact, he's a little TOO brash and comes off intimidating sometimes.

The older people I've talked to (and for some reason older people LOVE talking to me), they admire that I'm so centered and self-reliant for someone so young. The young'uns they say, they always need to drown out their inner self with external stimulation. I suppose when many people get older, they quiet down and start listening inside.

If you don't get introverts, you don't get introverts. The world is mostly extroverts anyway, you can ignore us if you want. But don't tell us we need help and that we need growing up.

That's all I'm going to say on this matter.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Sounds like it's exhaustion of the body due to anxiety of the mind, and that is part and parcel of being afraid of the world, and by the world, I mean people.

I don't wanna be analysing your parents for chrisakes, but, haha, I'm gonna, see, your dad can be brash and confident in the realm of his own kingdom, that's easy, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have anxiety about being around people and the unpredictable situations that rise from social settings.
and that's what I am talking about when it comes to developing, trying not to be such a control freak, and letting the chips fall where they may, letting other people take the reigns of the situation, see where it leads, the things that keep life from being the same day, every day.
Because that is where you could end up, I guess that maybe alright for some people, but i like to think I don't know what is going to happen round the corner of my life, and like to surprise myself, and the people around me.

 

[WillardNation]

You've been through all eligible candidates once already..?

There might be some I haven't met yet but I don't know where I would meet them. Most of the attractive women around my age in this town are taken or have kids and whatnot.

 

[SpideyVille]

I totally get you. One of my housemates really had to go partying hard at clubs every weekend (he was in his mid-30s then) and told me, "You know how you just want to de-stress after a hard work week?" and I was like, "No, no I don't."

What you want is an introvert. Even not-as-partying extroverts I know really need to be OUT (although not necessarily getting piss-drunk) all the time. And as Optimus Prime said, we're all online.

Yeah, like personally, when I see myself out at work or school for most of the day/week the last thing I want to do is go back out once I'm done. I'd rather spend the night or weekend relaxing.

But with that said, I wouldn't necessarily say I want an introvert. Like I'm introverted because I've never really had friends or someone to talk to (except my mom but she is never objective so I learned to just be quiet with everything). But deep down inside I like attention and I like being around people, and sometimes when I'm home too much I feel like I need to get out and escape. But the reason I don't go out on my own too much is because I don't have anyone to go out with, which is a whole other issue about me learning how to be a friend and inviting people out.

And I also look at my brother who was a lot like me when he was young. In college he met a girl who liked to drink and party and it wasn't so much of an issue for him because he was just glad to have a girl pay attention to him. But they would go to a club and she would tell him to sit down while she had her fun on the dance floor, and then they would leave together since he didn't like to dance or drink. Of course my brother would also take her out places and let me tag along like to the movies or something, but now they don't go out as much because of the kids and if she drinks, its at home when they have people over for a dinner party or hangout. I've noticed though that we've stopped hanging out and I've stopped going out because of this.

I don't want to date a party girl either. I'd like someone who can go out and have fun but doesn't center her life around it. I'm just past that point.
There is lots of things you can do without getting drunk of course. I think you might have to give in once in a while but you can go to a club without drinking.

Yeah, like I mentioned, my friend said she wants to take me out and if she's serious, I'll go. But I think the thing that bothers me the most is tat whenever I'm out with people that are drinking, they always try to force me to drink, which is a big no-no for me.. Whenever people try to force me to do something, even if I want to, I won't for some reason. I like choosing to do something on my own and not because I feel pressured,

The other thing I suggest is doing more things out of your home, and when you do try to practice talking to women and trying to get numbers. There are all sorts of web sites with decent advice on how to do that. One simple thing to try is to flirt with and go for numbers just once in every place you go, succeed of fail, your objective is to try just once per place. Who knows? The perfect girl for you may be no further than the avocado rack at your local grocery store.

Work on your self confidence and the ability to flirt and transition into getting phone numbers. That can just come from trail and error, so don’t be afraid to fail. In fact if you fail so much you will get comfortable with being shot down. The benefit is you will become immune to being afraid of being shot down, impervious to rejection, and then these rejections will happen less and less, and soon you will be good at getting numbers.

The places she is not in, are the places you don’t want to be in anyway.
You never have to go and do things that you have a personal disgust for. Be sure to have standards so don’t let loneliness drive you to even accept a date with a girl who has habits that disgust you ever again.

Yeah, this is pretty much the key for me because honestly, I don't go out too much, for various reasons, like no money or people to go out with to places that I would want to be. I feel like all of those are things that I need to work on not just for relationship success, but also for bettering myself and finding new things to interest me.

And yeah a big reason why I was interested in that girl was because I didn't have many options, so I have to work on putting myself in position to have more options and opportunities to meet people.

Nope, she's not a good friend, not like that anyways. We're friends, but she's not like a super close friend or anything.

If anything, the "awkward" would be in the fact that she's in the department with me, so it could make future productions awkward, but ya know, maybe not too.

Sounds like you should give it a shot. But by productions, do you mean acting or something?

I know I had the same fear with some girl in my acting class because I didn't want to hurt my grade if we had a scene together. I didn't go for it and even though I kinda wish I did, I'm glad I didn't because I found out afterward that she has a boyfriend, so I avoided a possible awkward situation with that.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I have been reading this thread regularly for about a year now, has any single person who has been coming into the thread asking for advice, ever came back in and said they'd now been successful in getting a girlfriend or boyfriend?
Maybe the thread is jinxed. haha

 

[bullets]

Well AF finally kissed her bf. (or he kissed her I should say). Also some of us signed up on dating websites and that's been going ok.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Ok, so the thousands of posts in the last year have not totally been in vain, thank God all that time and effort was not wasted.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Sounds like you should give it a shot. But by productions, do you mean acting or something?

I know I had the same fear with some girl in my acting class because I didn't want to hurt my grade if we had a scene together. I didn't go for it and even though I kinda wish I did, I'm glad I didn't because I found out afterward that she has a boyfriend, so I avoided a possible awkward situation with that.

Yea we are both in the theatre department at our college. We haven't actually acted together, but she's been behind the scenes on some shows I've worked on, written some shows I've worked on, as well as we've had some classes together in the department.

What I'm mostly worried about (if it's even anything to worry about) is the gossip that would come from it. She's pretty major in the department. Not like in an "out of my league" way or anything.

And I do know for a fact that she's single.

 

[steintym]

t: The one success story has been a first kiss.

Still fun conversation and reading.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yea we are both in the theatre department at our college. We haven't actually acted together, but she's been behind the scenes on some shows I've worked on, written some shows I've worked on, as well as we've had some classes together in the department.

What I'm mostly worried about (if it's even anything to worry about) is the gossip that would come from it. She's pretty major in the department. Not like in an "out of my league" way or anything.

And I do know for a fact that she's single.

It kinda sounds like the whole "not dating co-workers" thing where if it turns out bad, you can't fall back on the comfort of not seeing the person again because you actually will see them often. I know this guy and girl in my acting class that I thought were dating early in the semester because they spent a lot of time together, but then they stopped. At the end of the semester we found out that they were dating for a week and that they had a few other classes together, so it was kind of awkward for both of them.

But I think you're focusing more on the negative consequences instead of what good might come out of it. Maybe you should at least try to talk to her and spend some more time trying to get to know her and see if she shows signs of interest.

 

[bullets]

I say if you really like the girl to move forward with it. There's risks but sometimes it's worth it. Also you've known the girl for awhile so maybe you'll know how she'll respond if it doesn't work out.

t: The one success story has been a first kiss.

Still fun conversation and reading.

I agree

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

It kinda sounds like the whole "not dating co-workers" thing where if it turns out bad, you can't fall back on the comfort of not seeing the person again because you actually will see them often. I know this guy and girl in my acting class that I thought were dating early in the semester because they spent a lot of time together, but then they stopped. At the end of the semester we found out that they were dating for a week and that they had a few other classes together, so it was kind of awkward for both of them.

But I think you're focusing more on the negative consequences instead of what good might come out of it. Maybe you should at least try to talk to her and spend some more time trying to get to know her and see if she shows signs of interest.

The bolded is essentially what I'm going to do. I'll explore it. Can't be that bad. She certainly wouldn't be the first girl I've gone after in the department, nor would she be the worst choice of girls I could go after in the department.

 

[Erzengel]

The bolded is essentially what I'm going to do. I'll explore it. Can't be that bad. She certainly wouldn't be the first girl I've gone after in the department, nor would she be the worst choice of girls I could go after in the department.

Doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement.

 

[WillardNation]

What's everybody's thoughts on soul mates, fate, etc?

 

[SpideyVille]

I used to have a firm belief in soul mates, especially after I met this one girl who seemed to perfectly fit everything I had wanted in a girl. But after that didn't work out, I realized that sometimes what feels like its meant to be really isn't supposed to be.

But I still think that things happen for a reason, whether we realize it or not and eventually we end up with who we're supposed to be with.

 

[bullets]

I've only felt that way about a girl once and I wound up leaving her (long distance relationship). The opportunity to get back together opened up and I didn't act on it either. So I think you can fall in love with someone to the point of believing that but fate is a strange thing. Not sure it exists. I think two people can be absolutely right for each other but not sure there's some type of destiny at play.

 

[ComicChick]

not sure how i feel on it

my grandparents have been married 65 years, my parents have been together 41, my aunt and uncle were together 50+ and another aunt and uncle of mine are going at 50+ years too. i guess when people in my grandma's family get married, they do it right.

i'd be lying to myself if i said i didn't want to find someone to spend my life with like that. but i'm not sure that it would happen, especially these days.
some days i don't even feel like i'll ever get married at all