Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[Anita18]

I wouldn't call it work, but this just seems ridiculous to me. That's not to say I couldn't understand circumstances that might lead this to happen, I've seen it first hand (kind of). I mean I'm sure if I love someone...blah blah blah...it doesn't seem like work, I'd walk five thousand miles. It's just that it would be torture. I take proximity into account usually anyways. 300 miles, yeah I'd start wandering for more immediate gratification. I would crave spontaneity and excitement too much. Seems like such a relationship would be somewhat scheduled.

I know a couple who high school sweethearts and went to college in different states. Like, two time zones. They only saw each other during school breaks. They made it work - they're married now and just had twins. My situation is pretty easy compared to theirs. At least we're in the same time zone.

Obviously it's a no-go if you have a strong sex drive and you aren't aiming for a long-term relationship to begin with. With me and my college friend, we want to make our respective relationships work so we're making it work. We'd been dating our bfs for at least two years before being separated, so obviously we were in it for the long haul. I dunno, it isn't particularly hard for me. My dad used to be away for months on business trips and my mom never worried, so I'm used to seeing it. And I'm not worried my bf will cheat or anything - we're happy with each other.

We have some spontaneity. Meaning, we usually don't have plans for what to do when he gets here. But I'm usually terrible at time management and I find that I manage my time better knowing that I only have a weekend to spend with him instead of taking him for granted, like I was doing when we were living together. So that's something I'm learning from all this.

 

[SpideyVille]

You know what sucks, and I'm not saying that I feel like this about anyone at the moment, but I have felt like this much too often in the past. But basically when you like someone or may even be in a relationship with them, but feel like you can't live without them to the point where you would do whatever it took to keep them in your life.

Is that a normal feeling to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship with a person, or is it just a sign of weakness and emotion taking over?

 

[bullets]

That's basically obsession and not a good thing.


I'm finding the pof forums amusing. All these woman being cheated on and asking what to do. It's like they are waiting for one person to say everything's ok and give them an excuse to stay with the person.

 

[Anita18]

You know what sucks, and I'm not saying that I feel like this about anyone at the moment, but I have felt like this much too often in the past. But basically when you like someone or may even be in a relationship with them, but feel like you can't live without them to the point where you would do whatever it took to keep them in your life.

Is that a normal feeling to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship with a person, or is it just a sign of weakness and emotion taking over?

I'd say that's fairly normal for someone in an actual relationship, but creepy if you're not. I mean, if the other person doesn't know the extent of your feelings for them, trying to keep them in your life no matter what is borderline stalkerish.

And when one person in the relationship wants out, IMO it's not a relationship anymore so one should obviously back off and not try to keep them in their lives no matter what.

Being in a relationship means opening yourself up and being able to trust someone. That's not weakness. The advice that SuperMike and Optimus give are mostly for the initial attraction, but you can't play the arms-length tease forever. (Well, some people can, but I don't think they'd last long in a marriage. ) Especially not if you go long-term and have these logistical issues come up like me and my bf. Or school in different states, whichever.

Don't get me wrong, we CHOOSE to stay together and see each other in this manner. Our relationship doesn't validate who we are as individuals, I think that's something you learn being in this whole relationship thing. The desperation that you describe - that's not love, that's infatuation. That's a world you build for yourself with walls around, keeping out the reality of what you have. Or not have, if the other person doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

Love IMO is having no walls, accepting the other person as whole and real, and knowing that the other person is there to hold your hand when you need it.

 

[AndThePickles]

I wouldn't call it work, but this just seems ridiculous to me. That's not to say I couldn't understand circumstances that might lead this to happen, I've seen it first hand (kind of). I mean I'm sure if I love someone...blah blah blah...it doesn't seem like work, I'd walk five thousand miles. It's just that it would be torture. I take proximity into account usually anyways. 300 miles, yeah I'd start wandering for more immediate gratification. I would crave spontaneity and excitement too much. Seems like such a relationship would be somewhat scheduled.

Long distance is definitely hard. Spoons and I made our relationship work while having to be long distance for years, and it was extremely difficult. If we hadn't dated for a couple of years WITHOUT the distance first, I couldn't have done it. It takes a lot of patience and commitment, and it's painful to be separate from the person you love. If for any reason he and I ever broke up, I would never do distance again. I will say, however, that the payoff of finally getting to live together is extra wonderful in the end.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I have the same view. I think people often forget you don't love just one person in your life, you may love several. Sex is not necessary for love either. Frankly, my Mom and Dad are two people I love way more than anyone I've slept with or thought of sleeping with.

Definitely.

This guy who feels like my soul mate is my best friend, but it doesn't have to be sexual to be 'love'.

I'm actually writing a novel loosely based on our friendship (though it's also a fantasy novel), and I know I'd struggle to get it published because they'd want the story to end with the characters falling into romantic love.

But relationships aren't always about that.

Sometimes it's just a deep connection with someone.

I was with in a relationship with a girl who was like my soul mate. We just always seemed to know what the other was thinking also. I had to move and broke it off though. A couple years later I fell in love with another woman and we had a great relationship but I had some issues and wound up ruining it.
So I was happy with both but I've only had that feeling of being completely in love once. I think anything after that comes with a bit of skepticism and you can never reach that point again.

That's kind of why I think it's easier to identify non romantic soul mates.

When your 'in love' you have such intense feelings that are similar to the 'soul mate' feeling. But you can look back and cleary see that wasn't the case.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'd say that's fairly normal for someone in an actual relationship, but creepy if you're not. I mean, if the other person doesn't know the extent of your feelings for them, trying to keep them in your life no matter what is borderline stalkerish.

And when one person in the relationship wants out, IMO it's not a relationship anymore so one should obviously back off and not try to keep them in their lives no matter what.

Yeah... That all just sounds like me

When I was younger and I was in unrequited 'love', I did everything I could to stay in his life. Which took a lot of hard work to go from 'girl with awkward crush on me' to 'best friend'... But I'm good at stuff like that.

And my relationship with my ex is only over because he cheated on me with men... I mean, THAT you can't move past

But honestly, I don't know what else would have stopped me being madly in love with him. It definitely forecfully shut down my crazy 'love' brain that literally felt I couldn't loose him. I mean, people TOLD me and I wouldn't believe them, I was absolutely insane with love at that time.

Personally though, I think that kind of love is an addiction. The relationship wasn't a great one to begin with, but I needed my 'fix' to be happy, and I'd sacrifice a lot (including my own self respect and principals) to get it.

I haven't felt like that since though. It was incredibly unhealthy to loose control that much.

I've grown so much emotionally, and sometimes I think it's in a good way, but other times I think it's sad.

Like i'm not as passionate anymore or something. More cynical, less trusting, and there is a a fort around my heart.

I guess that's just growing up though

 

[Erzengel]

My bf and I live 300 miles apart. He usually takes time out of his weekend to fly down and see me every few weeks. (He lives with his parents so if I flew up, we have to book a place somewhere else for some actual private time.) It doesn't feel like "work" to him, but to some I guess it could be construed as work. And it does take actual work for him to earn the money in order to do that.

But yeah, it doesn't have to feel like "work" but all relationships obviously take some effort...

For some reason I thought, you 2 lived in the same area.

So in a month's time, how often do you see each other?

I wouldn't call it work, but this just seems ridiculous to me. That's not to say I couldn't understand circumstances that might lead this to happen, I've seen it first hand (kind of). I mean I'm sure if I love someone...blah blah blah...it doesn't seem like work, I'd walk five thousand miles. It's just that it would be torture. I take proximity into account usually anyways. 300 miles, yeah I'd start wandering for more immediate gratification. I would crave spontaneity and excitement too much. Seems like such a relationship would be somewhat scheduled.

When I was in college, I was dating someone who went to school in Pittsburgh. It was a 6 hour drive but the distance became too much and we ended up breaking up.

We are still friends today. But it's funny, they started going into another LD relationship this time with someone who was from Denmark? Norway? I don't remember. But eventually they settled in Pittsburgh, married with a child.

I know another couple who got married even though one was in Europe and the other was in the States and kept the relationship going for 3-4 years. Now married with at least one child.

I think very few people can do that. It is a lot of work and it is hard.

But for it to work, both parties have to be mature in a sense to handle a relationship like this. Also, someone is going to have to eventually move or both move. Lastly, you are going to need money for traveling.

 

[SpideyVille]

So my friend texted me again last night about the ice skating thing. She said its at 5, but I still don't know where at and my mom told me last night that I have to babysit my brother's kids, which means I won't be able to make it without starting a big argument with my mom. But I really want to go tonight and I still can't use my phone to get back to my friend.

 

[Erzengel]

You really need to move out.

 

[SpideyVille]

I know, the worst thing is my mom told me last night that I had to babysit because she wanted to go to church early, and this is the only day she tells me. She can easily wait and go later, but once she hears its for a girl, I know I'll hear hell about it because she thinks its saving her life. And it's also the only night I'll be free since I'll be doing rehearsals for the rest of the week. I'm trying to see if I a friend of mine is free from work so maybe he could stay with the kids for an hour.

 

[terry78]

You really need to move out.

Get his ass a job.

 

[Erzengel]

I know, the worst thing is my mom told me last night that I had to babysit because she wanted to go to church early, and this is the only day she tells me. She can easily wait and go later, but once she hears its for a girl, I know I'll hear hell about it because she thinks its saving her life. And it's also the only night I'll be free since I'll be doing rehearsals for the rest of the week. I'm trying to see if I a friend of mine is free from work so maybe he could stay with the kids for an hour.

Well, not just that, your mother is emotionally stunting your growth. It seems if you started dating someone, it doesn't sound like she'd be supportive which could put a strain on any relationship especially since you'd probably still be at home.

Get your s' together.
Find a job.
Move the eff out.
Meet a girl.
Sexy time.
Repeat.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, I've actually realized that. Like the reason I am the way that I am with pretty much everything, whether its with relationships, drinking, or just going out and being social, its all because I've spent too much time with her. And its like everytime I try to move forward, she does or asks for things that end up holding me back.

Its part of the reason why when I do finally move out, I'm not going to look back. Heck, my sister is in California and still gets grief from my mom because she just started seeing some guy and tries to spend time with him on the weekends when she doesn't have her kids, and my mom gets upset because she doesn't call her back right away. And my sister is 32 years old.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

That's basically obsession and not a good thing.


I'm finding the pof forums amusing. All these woman being cheated on and asking what to do. It's like they are waiting for one person to say everything's ok and give them an excuse to stay with the person.

That IS exactly what it is.

There is something most women will NEVER admit, but being cheated on does not always cause 100% want to dump.

Sometimes they will dump the guy, but many times they become conflicted, with emotions they could not have predicted, and often some deep competitive instinct kicks in and they will try to hold onto the guy more, rather than leave him.

This also goes for a FWB who does "not want to get knee deep into an exclusive relationship right now".

Which in man terms really means "yeah, I enjoy sex with you, but I also enjoy it with Crystal, Jennifer, Tina and Rachel".

(No Evil)

 

[SuperMike335!!]

You know what sucks, and I'm not saying that I feel like this about anyone at the moment, but I have felt like this much too often in the past. But basically when you like someone or may even be in a relationship with them, but feel like you can't live without them to the point where you would do whatever it took to keep them in your life.

Is that a normal feeling to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship with a person, or is it just a sign of weakness and emotion taking over?

........ ...... .... That looks scary, like in the creepy way.

If you ever feel this way about a girl, I would highly suggest you not say that to her.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah... That all just sounds like me

When I was younger and I was in unrequited 'love', I did everything I could to stay in his life. Which took a lot of hard work to go from 'girl with awkward crush on me' to 'best friend'... But I'm good at stuff like that.

And my relationship with my ex is only over because he cheated on me with men... I mean, THAT you can't move past

But honestly, I don't know what else would have stopped me being madly in love with him. It definitely forecfully shut down my crazy 'love' brain that literally felt I couldn't loose him. I mean, people TOLD me and I wouldn't believe them, I was absolutely insane with love at that time.

Personally though, I think that kind of love is an addiction. The relationship wasn't a great one to begin with, but I needed my 'fix' to be happy, and I'd sacrifice a lot (including my own self respect and principals) to get it.

I haven't felt like that since though. It was incredibly unhealthy to loose control that much.

I've grown so much emotionally, and sometimes I think it's in a good way, but other times I think it's sad.

Like i'm not as passionate anymore or something. More cynical, less trusting, and there is a a fort around my heart.

I guess that's just growing up though

Heh, I used to feel that way too. Like it seemed that my current relationship went from, "Well, I like spending time with him" to "CUDDLY!" while skipping the whole infatuation stage. But nobody says you HAVE to go through that stage.

For some reason I thought, you 2 lived in the same area.

So in a month's time, how often do you see each other?

Well we were living together but he was running out of money (he was giving the ol' freelance thing a go) and refused to mooch off me. He wanted to find a full-time job in the Bay Area where there was more of them to be had in his field of choice.

It depends on the schedule. Usually it's one weekend every 2-3 weeks. But he just had an entire week off for the holidays and he spent that time with me and my family.

And you think make-up sex is great, try "I haven't seen you in almost a month" sex.

But for it to work, both parties have to be mature in a sense to handle a relationship like this. Also, someone is going to have to eventually move or both move. Lastly, you are going to need money for traveling.

Yes to all counts. I'm the one who wants to stay here for now because I'm taking classes and I really want to finish my certificate before quitting my current job and moving in with him. That will take about another year and a half. I'm not dead-set on where I want to go next, and he well, the longest he's ever held down a job at one location was a year and a half. He has no long-term plans of where to be either. There was no, "I want to settle down here and you have to be with me or else we're breaking up." We're both pretty flexible on that front.

 

[Erzengel]

I know all about feast or famine in terms of seeing someone like that.

But as long as you are working towards a goal as in someone who is going to eventually move, yeah it's hard but it's doable.

I don't envy the other year and a half. I know you say that it's fine and it's not an effort, but many people wouldn't be able to do it. Whether it just the loneliness or the cost or just drifting apart.

 

[bullets]

That IS exactly what it is.

There is something most women will NEVER admit, but being cheated on does not always cause 100% want to dump.

Sometimes they will dump the guy, but many times they become conflicted, with emotions they could not have predicted, and often some deep competitive instinct kicks in and they will try to hold onto the guy more, rather than leave him.

I know it's hard to walk away from people but sometimes you just have to let it go. I have a friend who is beautiful but she's been with the same guy for several years and he's cheated on her numerous times. I'll find out they broke up but then they get back together. She deserves a lot better but that a*hole is ruining her life.
I can't imagine being in a relationship where someone cheated and being able to look past it.

And you think make-up sex is great, try "I haven't seen you in almost a month" sex.

That's always good In the military I had "not going to see you for awhile sex" whenever there was a deployment lol.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Long distance is definitely hard. Spoons and I made our relationship work while having to be long distance for years, and it was extremely difficult. If we hadn't dated for a couple of years WITHOUT the distance first, I couldn't have done it. It takes a lot of patience and commitment, and it's painful to be separate from the person you love. If for any reason he and I ever broke up, I would never do distance again. I will say, however, that the payoff of finally getting to live together is extra wonderful in the end.

This is about the only way I can rationalize distance. I have several long distance friendships, and no it doesn't seem like "work", but I knew those people for long stretches of time when they weren't several hundred miles away. There's a certain history there where I won't simply say "okay, bye now".

Definitely.

This guy who feels like my soul mate is my best friend, but it doesn't have to be sexual to be 'love'.

I'm actually writing a novel loosely based on our friendship (though it's also a fantasy novel), and I know I'd struggle to get it published because they'd want the story to end with the characters falling into romantic love.

But relationships aren't always about that.

Sometimes it's just a deep connection with someone.

For me, the 'friend zone' is a myth that exists in the mind of people who probably feel the most comfortable around the cast of The Big Bang Theory. Even though I notice some posters snicker when I say they compartmentalize things, it's not some big word I just throw around. Friends sometimes, perhaps more than sometimes, have sex. People who are madly in love with each other sometimes wait years to have sex. People who absolutely hate each other sometimes f*** too. I even read a study once that I think said that 68% of people have had sex with someone they disliked (beforehand). People who believe the 'friend zone' exists, really believe the notion of friendship is divorced from the notion of sex or romantic love. Essentially if the 'friend zone' really existed you'd either love someone and f*** them, or you wouldn't love them.

This is nonsense.

There is a girl right now in India who I am not f***ing. Not because we wouldn't be attracted to each other, but because she's in f***ing India. This person is purely hypothetical, but the point is there are lots of things that may hinder attraction or love from turning into sex. Geographical boundaries are definitely one obvious factor. Your history with that person could be another.

 

[SpideyVille]

I'd say that's fairly normal for someone in an actual relationship, but creepy if you're not. I mean, if the other person doesn't know the extent of your feelings for them, trying to keep them in your life no matter what is borderline stalkerish.

Well like I've looked back at the girls that I've liked, and the ones that I felt closest too and liked the most, I realized I had a fear of losing them at some point once I was "sure" of my feelings for them, even if we were just friends. I guess it has something to do with my fear of abandonment and the fact that I've never managed to have any kind of close relationship/friendship with someone for too long.

But I guess the easy solution for this is to not put all my eggs in one basket.

Don't get me wrong, we CHOOSE to stay together and see each other in this manner. Our relationship doesn't validate who we are as individuals, I think that's something you learn being in this whole relationship thing. The desperation that you describe - that's not love, that's infatuation. That's a world you build for yourself with walls around, keeping out the reality of what you have. Or not have, if the other person doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

Love IMO is having no walls, accepting the other person as whole and real, and knowing that the other person is there to hold your hand when you need it.

That makes sense. I think one of my biggest problems has always been putting a lot of stock in something small, simply because its more than Ive ever had. In some cases I'd make it more than what it is because I just really wish it was at that level.

Yeah... That all just sounds like me

When I was younger and I was in unrequited 'love', I did everything I could to stay in his life. Which took a lot of hard work to go from 'girl with awkward crush on me' to 'best friend'... But I'm good at stuff like that.


Personally though, I think that kind of love is an addiction. The relationship wasn't a great one to begin with, but I needed my 'fix' to be happy, and I'd sacrifice a lot (including my own self respect and principals) to get it.

I haven't felt like that since though. It was incredibly unhealthy to loose control that much.

I've grown so much emotionally, and sometimes I think it's in a good way, but other times I think it's sad.

Like i'm not as passionate anymore or something. More cynical, less trusting, and there is a a fort around my heart.

I guess that's just growing up though

Yeah I completely understand this. Like I've always been considered a hopeless romantic. But I've realized in the past year that even though I've learned from my mistake and feel wiser and more mature, I don't have that same fire. I don't know if its because I haven't found anyone who I think is worth the trouble, or if I just don't trust anyone enough to go through all the trouble.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Well like I've looked back at the girls that I've liked, and the ones that I felt closest too and liked the most, I realized I had a fear of losing them at some point once I was "sure" of my feelings for them, even if we were just friends. I guess it has something to do with my fear of abandonment and the fact that I've never managed to have any kind of close relationship/friendship with someone for too long.

But I guess the easy solution for this is to not put all my eggs in one basket.
That makes sense. I think one of my biggest problems has always been putting a lot of stock in something small, simply because its more than Ive ever had. In some cases I'd make it more than what it is because I just really wish it was at that level.

Yeah I completely understand this. Like I've always been considered a hopeless romantic. But I've realized in the past year that even though I've learned from my mistake and feel wiser and more mature, I don't have that same fire. I don't know if its because I haven't found anyone who I think is worth the trouble, or if I just don't trust anyone enough to go through all the trouble.

No, it because you need to:

Get your s' together.
Find a job.
Move the eff out.
Meet a girl.
Sexy time.
Repeat.

In THAT order too.

You are an adult right? Not a teenager? Can you grow a beard?

Obviously if you are still in high school living at home does not rob you of your dignity, but once you are an adult, the longer you live with mommy the longer you remain celibate.

Don't go trying to meet a girl so you can move in with her in order to move out either, be your own independent MAN.

Do you have some ambitions? Goals you are working toward? What do you want to have/accomplish by age 30? Are you making real headway in that direction?

If you are in university, then is there some way you can move out? Live in a Dorm, work and go to school? Get an apartment?

Heck, join the Military if you got no other options.

All of the suggestions I and Optimus, and a few others have given you are GOOD advice, BUT they cannot do as much good if you are living at home.
I think it helps if someone actually wants to ask a relationship/dating question if they give some more background info.

Things like:
Living situation
Job
Interests
Height
Build
Can you grow a beard?

All of that stuff does relate to your love life in some way. The thing you should not ever change about yourself is your Interests and ambitions. Those I consider sacred to the "self", and I’m nerd at heart (look where I am posting this on superherohype after all) but I still had to take steps to become what I wanted to be in all other areas, and to get where I wanted in life.

Nobody ever accomplishes anything without taking risks, without putting themselves in uncomfortable situations. Nobody succeeds without failures alone the way. Nobody ever got anywhere waiting for opportunities to come to them.

You’re life is what YOU make it, and you are not immortal, so you better get moving.

Find out what you want to do, and who you want to be. How do you want your body to look? What kind of clothes do you want to wear? What kind of house do you want to live in? What will it look like? What will you do for a living?

The first step is knowing what you want in life. Do you?

You will have much better success with women when you are either accomplished OR on your way to making accomplishments.

When you are living at home with your mom bossing you around you turn into Norman Bates. Something tells me you want to be something else.

 

[Boy Scout]

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.

I disagree. I don't think any worthwhile relationship will just "work" all the time.

I most definitely believe in fate/destiny...

I don't believe in either of those things, but I'm also not entirely sure if I believe in coincidence or not.

As far as relationships go, I don't know though. The reason I originally asked is because I've been thinking about this one particular girl lately. This particular girl, for lack of a better term, was my first love and my first heartbreak. We never actually got officially together at any point but the feelings were there for both of us. We were teenagers when we first met so obviously we were both dumb and acted in ways we wouldn't as adults. Anyway, we've kept in contact over the years off and on and every time we see each other, it's just impossible to not feel that connection. I've been with my fair share of women over the years and I haven't been able to bring myself to enter into a serious relationship with any of them (save for one but that was put to a halt by her moving to California) and yet, almost 9 years later, I still think about and have an immense desire for that girl. And I'm fairly certain she feels the same way. I text her last month asking if she was going back home for xmas because I was debating whether or not I wanted to and her reply was, "Yes, I will definitely be there. YOU SHOULD COME!" And after we hung out and we were hugging goodbye, her hug was definitely not a "ok, see ya later" hug. Like she squeezed tight and held on for a while as if she didn't want to leave. I'm sure there would've been some kissing too, but we were in front of a group of people.

So now I'm just thinking to myself, what do I do with that? This has been the only girl I've known that I would feel comfortable saying I love and absolutely want to be with. Even the girls I've dated that I thought were pretty cool I've thought, "she's nice, but I definitely wouldn't think twice about cheating on her". But we live a thousand miles apart and if I move, it's in the other direction. I would never sacrifice my lifestyle/career to move back to the midwest. And of course that could even be a moot point; I mean, I'm roughly 99% sure she feels the same way but we haven't had that discussion. So what, is this the girl that I'm meant to be with? Or do I just let her go and carry on with my jaded/cynical way of sleeping with random women and never getting attached while holding out the possibility that I might someday meet someone else that I could find that connection with?

I just proposed the idea to her of coming down to visit on spring break (she's been saying she really wants to visit) and she "liked" my comment on facebook so I think that could happen. If it does, I guess I'll take that opportunity to sort all this **** out.

I think you should just go for it and tell her how you feel. Even solid rejection is better than endless wondering and wishing.

Yeah, I admit the handling of that situation was all wrong. The big issue for me was that her friend didn't want to be set up with anyone so we were trying to set up something so that she could at least see me first and if I made an impression, then we would take it from there. We were also supposed to go out as a group so I could talk to her some more but that never happened. It was my fault for rushing things so that they could work out before comic con, but either way it was all for naught since she didn't even go.

But my whole point was that some people wouldn't even go through the trouble of going to the store or even go out with their friends to meet someone.


Yeah the same thing happened to me last year with the girl I liked. I sat across from her all semester and at the end of the semester when we finally started talking, she told me she had a huge crush on me for the longest. I actually thought she hated me since she would never pass any handouts to me.

Dude...I think you should just wake up one day and flirt with the first attractive stranger you see. Don't worry about rejection or anything. Just be yourself and try to have a good time. If you get a number, great. If not, you'll still be happy, because you actually had the balls to talk to a girl.

 

[Anita18]

That's always good In the military I had "not going to see you for awhile sex" whenever there was a deployment lol.

Yeah working 300 miles away and seeing each other every few weeks is FAR more preferable than being deployed. At least I know my bf is not being shot at!

One of my classmates last semester had a bf who was a Marine. She quite cheerily said, "He's coming back from deployment in a couple weeks! It went fine, he only almost died once!" I was like, "Girl...you are even more optimistic than I am, and that's saying something!"

Well like I've looked back at the girls that I've liked, and the ones that I felt closest too and liked the most, I realized I had a fear of losing them at some point once I was "sure" of my feelings for them, even if we were just friends. I guess it has something to do with my fear of abandonment and the fact that I've never managed to have any kind of close relationship/friendship with someone for too long.

But I guess the easy solution for this is to not put all my eggs in one basket.

Yup. There really are more fish in the sea. If this one didn't like you or didn't work out, there's bound to be someone out there who will.

That makes sense. I think one of my biggest problems has always been putting a lot of stock in something small, simply because its more than Ive ever had. In some cases I'd make it more than what it is because I just really wish it was at that level.

Yeah that's what my bf did for me - he was my "first" for a lot of things but he didn't make a big deal out of it. It was pretty much "We really like each other and feel comfortable, so this is something that we do because we can be that intimate." It really felt quite natural.

All of the suggestions I and Optimus, and a few others have given you are GOOD advice, BUT they cannot do as much good if you are living at home.

Especially with the domineering mother.

My bf is living at home only to save money (and it's a crapload of money considering how much apartments go for up in San Francisco), but he is very much his own person and his mom doesn't dictate his life. (Well, sometimes she asks him to spend time with his aging grandpa and then you're just a *****e if you refuse. ) My best friend did the same thing before marrying her bf. That's the only way an adult can live with his/her parents with dignity, IMO.

If you're old enough to make your own decisions and you want to dictate what you do with your own life, the very first step is getting out of your parents' thumb. That doesn't mean being a brat and living under their roof rent-free without helping. That means physically getting out so you have no obligation to owe them anything.

It's frightening how many parents my mom knows (mostly Asian), who want to keep tabs on their adult kids 24/7. "I'll buy them a house so they can always have income managing it and renting it out!" Uh, your kid's in HS, what if they don't want to be a friggin' landlord? Or live where you bought them that house? Scary, I say, and not all of them are unstable like SpideyVille's mom. Sometimes I think they spent so much money on their kid's schooling and general parenting that they want to control everything to make sure they got a good "return" on their investment.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

You know what sucks, and I'm not saying that I feel like this about anyone at the moment, but I have felt like this much too often in the past. But basically when you like someone or may even be in a relationship with them, but feel like you can't live without them to the point where you would do whatever it took to keep them in your life.

Is that a normal feeling to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship with a person, or is it just a sign of weakness and emotion taking over?

It's a normal feeling. It's very normal in fact, but at certain point you have to realize it's pretty meaningless unless that person feels the same way. I also think, personally, it's an easy feeling to replicate. You shouldn't be impressed by the fact that someone would spend time with you or be attracted to you. It's also not a weakness, although comic books do like to advertise that covering up and bottling your emotions is healthy behavior (in fact, it's basically what every superhero does).

Just don't turn it into a bunch of angsty sh**. You don't have to suffer because you're lusting after someone. You can lust after someone and turn it into a fun experience