Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[SpideyVille]

I get a lot of friend requests from old friends , exes , and ex coworkers. There's a few of them that do show interest but now I'm states away so there's really not much I can do about it. Kinda sucks.

However I've never thought of it as an avenue to date someone. At least not in average situations. So unless your hitting it off with them in person or having IM chats , I just wouldn't put any stock in it.

I'm usually the one doing the requesting, and I have a rule where I will not request someone that I have not at least said "Hi" or "Bye" to. Meaning if I haven't been introduced to them or formally met them on my own, then I won't request them.

But with that said, I did request the girl I met in college the same night after we first started talking to each other. I remember she commented on one of the Spider-Man drawings that I had posted, so I was just returning the favor by commenting on one that she did of Storm. We ended up going back and forth for a week replying to each other before going on AIM to chat and talking at school. Had it not been for facebook, I would've never really gotten to know her as well there, and funny enough, that was before the like button existed, so people commented on things more often.

With the other girl I liked in college, I friended her after she said 'hi" to me one day. And after we started talking in person, she would like and comment on practically everything I posted and I took that as a sign of interest because I could tell she was stalking my page, because I would get notifications that weren't even a second or two after I posted something.

So yeah, I wouldn't exactly use facebook as some kind of dating avenue, but I'd definitely use it as a way of getting to know someone better, even though from what I've seen, people aren't always the same when you talk to them online and then in person, and that goes for me too. I'm very different and its not even by trying to be.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

I was wondering this as well.

SuperSoldier, is there a reason for putting off women for a year? Or was that just a statement of general disappointment?

I'm just feeling really really defeated right now...

 

[steintym]

I'm just feeling really really defeated right now...

You're doing the online dating thing, I'd give that a decent chance before getting too discouraged. Keep your options open and have some fun with it.

 

[Anita18]

You're doing the online dating thing, I'd give that a decent chance before getting too discouraged. Keep your options open and have some fun with it.

Right. This is supposed to be a more-fun way to meet people than trying to meet them cold in real life.

My coworker's been on OKCupid for 2 months and is just starting to meet girls. And he's French and has a hot accent.

And all that means is that I like hearing him talk.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well, considering I've been in a relationship for almost two and a half years now and live with my girlfriend, getting girls to call and text me is not in any way a priority or wanted.

Well I mean you don't have other women in your life? Friends your age? Coworkers? Girls who have crushes on you lol? I mean I'm not saying you you, but it would be really weird for me to not have women that are attracted to me. I might not necessarily be thrilled with every woman that hits on me, but I mean I find a lot of them will give me their number. I friend zone some of them. And yeah, when I'm with someone I tend be more secluded yeah, but I keep up with quite a few of them (I've kind of turned into a home body right now).

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Right. This is supposed to be a more-fun way to meet people than trying to meet them cold in real life.

It's more fun Is that sarcasm?

 

[AndThePickles]

It's more fun Is that sarcasm?

Haha, that statement baffled me, as well. I guess for some it would be more convenient, perhaps, but more fun?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Haha, that statement baffled me, as well. I guess for some it would be more convenient, perhaps, but more fun?

This all seems bizarre to me. I'm simply not intimidated by people, I also think I'm a pretty cool guy. I mean it's always messy with people but its supposed to be a risk. It just seems to me like, ya know, I'm always open to meet new people, and I don't have a "plan" of starting a relationship with anyone ever. Mostly sh** just happens. That's pretty fun. I just up and drove to Florida once to spend a week away. I always seem to meet people when I do random events and stuff.

I also h-a-t-e the "29 dimensions of compatibility" nonsense. Like you and Spoons. I'm sure their "calculators" would've missed that pairing. The biggest fun of it is getting away from you're value system and interests. Yeah, girls killed my love of comics, but I'm glad they did. The whole purpose of it is taking a risk, and if you take out all the risk what's the point? I almost don't want a relationship because I'd be tied down. It would conflict with my fun. That is why I don't get it.

 

[Erzengel]

Well you certainly have a healthy self image.

 

[Anita18]

Haha, that statement baffled me, as well. I guess for some it would be more convenient, perhaps, but more fun?

It is for me. I find it a lot more fun to know that the other person is there to date you, none of that "Do you like me or not?" game. Plus you can go through a lot of people at once by reading messages without having to suffer through the awkwardness in person. The closest thing akin to that in real life is speed dating, I think. I personally haven't tried it (I'm an introvert, one round of that would probably take me out for a week), but I did have a professor in college who met her husband speed-dating.

Plus I have a stutter so it's always very very hard meeting people face-to-face, let alone meeting them for the very first time ever. The nervousness of meeting new people always makes it 100x worse. By this point it's totally a mental thing. I have to be 150% confident going in and then it isn't that bad, and I unfortunately can't turn it on at will.

I also think it's partly a cultural thing. A friend of mine (also Asian) noted how so few young entrepreneurs are Asian, and I pointed out that it's because we weren't raised to be leaders and rabble-rousers - we were raised to be followers and "wait your turn"ers. Even as we're forging our own ways and not just following what our parents tell us to do, it's been a very hard thing to turn off. We still have to be 150% confident in our abilities before having the courage to call attention to ourselves.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah, but the whole purpose is to learn to deal with the awkwardness of face to face interactions. I think people lose a lot by avoiding those. Life is literally a series of them. I also think not knowing where you stand is a good thing because it forces you to develop confidence in your decision making. Makes you learn about risk taking.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, but the whole purpose is to learn to deal with the awkwardness of face to face interactions. I think people lose a lot by avoiding those. Life is literally a series of them.

Thanks to the internet we don't need to deal with the awkwardness of face to face interactions, or at least as many of them.

Well I mean, I'm totally fine and direct and honest and funny with people I know. I know people who are otherwise socially "normal", who are deathly afraid of talking to their boss. I don't have that.

But it's just hard when you're meeting someone and you're not sure what the right thing to do is. Heck, even many people that you're meeting would probably say the same thing.

Plus, it differs depending on the interaction. First date is totally different from job interview.

Ah heck, I usually deal with face-to-face interactions in a self-deprecating, happy-go-lucky "who cares how this turns out" way recently and it's always seems to have worked out. Maybe if I have to start dating again, I'll try that, and say good riddance to those who are weirded out by it. But back then I was still fighting with the pressures of having good first impressions and all that.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Thanks to the internet we don't need to deal with the awkwardness of face to face interactions, or at least as many of them.

The internet to me is somewhat like comics where I think its a world you can become lost in but it's not really reality. It's certainly a great communication tool too, like a phone, but it's still, in my opinion, not as important as the jungle outside.

But it's just hard when you're meeting someone and you're not sure what the right thing to do is. Heck, even many people that you're meeting would probably say the same thing.

There is no "right thing to do". I just do what occurs to me. I f*** up trying to figure out the right thing to do. Most of it I just make up as I go along.

 

[Erzengel]

I think for a lot of people ATP, myself and others who were shy at one time and we just reach a point in our lives where we gain confidence in ourselves which allows us to be more outgoing and willing to take chances and risks.

I know in this thread we try to make generalizations on how to deal with certain situations and more often times than not, it's usually the most common solution. But it's not always the only solution. We know how to deal with things our way because of experiences or personalities but we can't expect every person to react similarly.

Expecting someone like Anita if she was single to just go out in the real world and just meet guys is not as easy for other people. As long as what Anita's doing works for her and makes her happy, I don't think she has to adopt different characteristics to achieve it.

That being said. I'm not saying that someone like her shouldn't try something new but if it's not their cup of tea, it's not their cup of tea.

 

[bullets]

So yeah, I wouldn't exactly use facebook as some kind of dating avenue, but I'd definitely use it as a way of getting to know someone better, even though from what I've seen, people aren't always the same when you talk to them online and then in person, and that goes for me too. I'm very different and its not even by trying to be.

I've been talking this girl on POF and it was a relief to finally call her. She seemed really dull during the IM chats but came to life on the phone. I'm not sure how I come across sometimes. Even though I know people on fb and have an easier time conversing , some of their interests have surprised me. I try to keep what I put out there to a minimum though.

 

[SpideyVille]

Thanks to the internet we don't need to deal with the awkwardness of face to face interactions, or at least as many of them.

I made a thread a while ago asking which do people prefer, calling or texting (with online messaging included). I was curious because like you say, the internet and other methods of communication have made it easier to interact with each other, especially for people who are not very social or outspoken in person. But like OP is pointing out, it also hinders us in terms of our social skills and how we deal with situations where we are forced to interact face to face.

Like as much as I have taken advantage of chatting online and texting as opposed to face to face interactions or calling, I always feel like it is more important to do things in person because it can have more meaning. Not saying that people can't fake emotions in person, but just that you lose some of that connection with someone when you're not in person.

The internet to me is somewhat like comics where I think its a world you can become lost in but it's not really reality. It's certainly a great communication tool too, like a phone, but it's still, in my opinion, not as important as the jungle outside.

I agree. I abuse the heck out of the internet and spend a lot of my time on it. But a few months ago my cable and phone service was cut and as much of an inconvenience as it was, it was refreshing to finally have to occupy myself and my mind with things outside. It almost is like the matrix. The internet presents an alternative world to get lost in, but at the end of the day, its not real, and like I mentioned above, I think its a big reason why we have more people who are socially awkward and feel uncomfortable and lack confidence in themselves, mainly because they don't make use of the opportunities that are around them.

I've been talking this girl on POF and it was a relief to finally call her. She seemed really dull during the IM chats but came to life on the phone. I'm not sure how I come across sometimes. Even though I know people on fb and have an easier time conversing , some of their interests have surprised me. I try to keep what I put out there to a minimum though.

That's great. And yeah, that's what I mean. You can never fully know someone just based on what you see on their profile or what they say online because its only a part of them. Like whenever I have something important to tell someone, where I'm expressing real feelings of gratitude or even anger and disappointment, I like to do it in person because there are other factors to watch out for like how a person says something or what they do when they say it that can give it more meaning.

 

[Anita18]

I think for a lot of people ATP, myself and others who were shy at one time and we just reach a point in our lives where we gain confidence in ourselves which allows us to be more outgoing and willing to take chances and risks.

I know in this thread we try to make generalizations on how to deal with certain situations and more often times than not, it's usually the most common solution. But it's not always the only solution. We know how to deal with things our way because of experiences or personalities but we can't expect every person to react similarly.

Expecting someone like Anita if she was single to just go out in the real world and just meet guys is not as easy for other people. As long as what Anita's doing works for her and makes her happy, I don't think she has to adopt different characteristics to achieve it.

That being said. I'm not saying that someone like her shouldn't try something new but if it's not their cup of tea, it's not their cup of tea.

Thanks Erz.

I generally find it a little befuddling to tell someone they need to do something differently if they're happy where they are. The fact that I'm shy doesn't hinder my everyday life. Being shy doesn't mean you have debilitating social anxiety that prevents you from even going out and shop. I have a few close friends - a few, but the ones I have are very close to me. I have a good stable job with fantastic people, and while I have a flexible schedule and money in the bank, I'm making moves to change careers (in case we never renew our grant hardy har har) so I think that's pretty exciting. I'm in a good stable relationship, and I have a great relationship with my family. I'm very happy where I am now.

So to tell me that I need to do something different because I'm shy and find first dates really awkward is rather . I mean, I'll worry about it if I find myself in the dating scene again, but it's a little presumptuous to go out and practice for it while I'm still in a relationship, you know. Most people would consider that cheating, or at the very least, leading guys on.

I made a thread a while ago asking which do people prefer, calling or texting (with online messaging included). I was curious because like you say, the internet and other methods of communication have made it easier to interact with each other, especially for people who are not very social or outspoken in person. But like OP is pointing out, it also hinders us in terms of our social skills and how we deal with situations where we are forced to interact face to face.

Depends on what kind of social skills you're talking about though. I couldn't talk to salespeople before (due to the stutter) but now I can. I can generally ask for things if I need them, and granted, many people would be nervous at a job interview anyway so it's not like the end of the world if you aren't an ace at them. I'm doing pretty well in life (aforementioned job, relationship, friends, family) so unless you reeaaally want to put yourself out there to meet people for whatever reason, I don't see how one should put in so much extra effort to do it.

The only thing that would really get me are first dates and job interviews, and luckily I don't have to worry about them for the time being. And again, it would be stupid to "practice" first dates if I'm still in a serious relationship (or job interviews if I was still at my current job). Many people coming out of a long relationship are equally stymied by the current dating scene anyway, so the inexperienced singletons certainly aren't alone.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

It seems like a really rational method or meeting people and that's pretty much the problem I have with it.

 

[SpideyVille]

Depends on what kind of social skills you're talking about though. I couldn't talk to salespeople before (due to the stutter) but now I can. I can generally ask for things if I need them, and granted, many people would be nervous at a job interview anyway so it's not like the end of the world if you aren't an ace at them. I'm doing pretty well in life (aforementioned job, relationship, friends, family) so unless you reeaaally want to put yourself out there to meet people for whatever reason, I don't see how one should put in so much extra effort to do it.

The only thing that would really get me are first dates and job interviews, and luckily I don't have to worry about them for the time being. And again, it would be stupid to "practice" first dates if I'm still in a serious relationship (or job interviews if I was still at my current job). Many people coming out of a long relationship are equally stymied by the current dating scene anyway, so the inexperienced singletons certainly aren't alone.

Well I'm talking more about developing such social skills. I mean like Erz said, if you were a certain way and you're happy with your life and how it turned out and who you are, that's great and you shouldn't have to change anything unless you feel something needs to be changed.

But I know for a lot of people, myself included to some extent, being shy and not talking to people in person is a hindrance that prevents them from being happy or getting what would make them happy. And they use the internet as a way of avoiding certain situations, and I think that's where it because a problem. Like I don't have much of a social life because I was always kept home and was taught to fear the world by my mom, so now that I'm 23 and am expected to go out and get a job and learn responsibility, its really hard because I was never put in a position to develop the skills needed to go out and find a job or anything really without someone to assist me. Its really frustrating because it becomes more of a mental block after a while and hard to overcome, especially with people in my ear pushing me and calling me lazy when I know that that's really not the case. That's why I think its important for those who are in similar positions but with more control to actually go out a seize what's out there instead of hiding inside like I did.

Like I took an acting class that helped me overcome some of these issues, but now that I'm in the middle of doing a play with a new cast full of more experienced actors, its hard because I'm still a little shy and new to this all and can't help but feel like my inexperience keeps me from feeling completely comfortable around all of these new people.

 

[Anita18]

Well I'm talking more about developing such social skills. I mean like Erz said, if you were a certain way and you're happy with your life and how it turned out and who you are, that's great and you shouldn't have to change anything unless you feel something needs to be changed.

But I know for a lot of people, myself included to some extent, being shy and not talking to people in person is a hindrance that prevents them from being happy or getting what would make them happy. And they use the internet as a way of avoiding certain situations, and I think that's where it because a problem. Like I don't have much of a social life because I was always kept home and was taught to fear the world by my mom, so now that I'm 23 and am expected to go out and get a job and learn responsibility, its really hard because I was never put in a position to develop the skills needed to go out and find a job or anything really without someone to assist me. Its really frustrating because it becomes more of a mental block after a while and hard to overcome, especially with people in my ear pushing me and calling me lazy when I know that that's really not the case. That's why I think its important for those who are in similar positions but with more control to actually go out a seize what's out there instead of hiding inside like I did.

I don't think it's necessarily shyness holding you back. I mean heck, my bf is as shy as all get out but he makes some pretty gutsy life choices. It's more like you've never been challenged and forced to be resourceful.

I was kind of the same way - I'd been babied and taught to be paranoid by my parents and even though I put myself in some dangerous situations in college trying to get around without a car (waiting for the bus in some sketchy neighborhoods late at night), the fact I came out of it intact was due mostly to luck and not to my own volition.

Until I was in a situation where I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and had to take initiative in order to get out of my pickle. It's really not that dramatic - I was going to see a skating competition and the first leg of my flight was cancelled so I arrived a day later than expected. I got to the arena for the competition straight from the airport...with my luggage. I obviously needed a place to stash my suitcase for the afternoon and nobody could give me an answer. Finally I said to some volunteers at the information desk, "You know, I don't have a car so I'm not leaving, and I obviously can't take this with me into the stands, so could I just leave this under the table with you?" They agreed and even though it was a small thing, it gave me a lot of confidence that I could be resourceful on my feet when needed.

I mean, it isn't nearly as dramatic as my boss's story, where they fled Hurricane Katrina with a week's worth of clothes and their cats in the car, thinking they'd be back in a couple days when the storm passed. Voila, New Orleans flooded and so they had to figure out where the heck they were gonna go and what they were gonna do if they couldn't go home. That's a dramatic growing-up story. But I don't think anyone's really grown up until they've had their mettle tested a bit and gone out of their comfort zone, but not in a pretend "oh let me try talking to more people" way. I mean in a real-life way.

 

[SpideyVille]

I don't think it's necessarily shyness holding you back. I mean heck, my bf is as shy as all get out but he makes some pretty gutsy life choices. It's more like you've never been challenged and forced to be resourceful.

I was kind of the same way - I'd been babied and taught to be paranoid by my parents and even though I put myself in some dangerous situations in college trying to get around without a car (waiting for the bus in some sketchy neighborhoods late at night), the fact I came out of it intact was due mostly to luck and not to my own volition.

Until I was in a situation where I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and had to take initiative in order to get out of my pickle. It's really not that dramatic - I was going to see a skating competition and the first leg of my flight was cancelled so I arrived a day later than expected. I got to the arena for the competition straight from the airport...with my luggage. I obviously needed a place to stash my suitcase for the afternoon and nobody could give me an answer. Finally I said to some volunteers at the information desk, "You know, I don't have a car so I'm not leaving, and I obviously can't take this with me into the stands, so could I just leave this under the table with you?" They agreed and even though it was a small thing, it gave me a lot of confidence that I could be resourceful on my feet when needed.

I mean, it isn't nearly as dramatic as my boss's story, where they fled Hurricane Katrina with a week's worth of clothes and their cats in the car, thinking they'd be back in a couple days when the storm passed. Voila, New Orleans flooded and so they had to figure out where the heck they were gonna go and what they were gonna do if they couldn't go home. That's a dramatic growing-up story. But I don't think anyone's really grown up until they've had their mettle tested a bit and gone out of their comfort zone, but not in a pretend "oh let me try talking to more people" way. I mean in a real-life way.

Yeah, I guess its not so much shyness as it is just not being put in a situation where I am tested. I mean I've always said I was blessed because Ive never had to fight and scrap for survival like many people I know, but at the same time, I envy those people because even though they struggle, I feel like they are stronger than me.

I mean I have it pretty good in a lot of areas of my life and have no reason to hate my life. But I guess its the skills and experience that I don't have that keeps me from being happy, mostly because it seems like a challenge that I don't feel strong enough to overcome, at least not anytime soon. It's like as confident as I've gotten in the past few months, I still don't fully believe in myself in terms of being the person that I wish I was.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, I guess its not so much shyness as it is just not being put in a situation where I am tested. I mean I've always said I was blessed because Ive never had to fight and scrap for survival like many people I know, but at the same time, I envy those people because even though they struggle, I feel like they are stronger than me.

I mean I have it pretty good in a lot of areas of my life and have no reason to hate my life. But I guess its the skills and experience that I don't have that keeps me from being happy, mostly because it seems like a challenge that I don't feel strong enough to overcome, at least not anytime soon. It's like as confident as I've gotten in the past few months, I still don't fully believe in myself in terms of being the person that I wish I was.

Well no, you don't have to sell your possessions and live on the street to grow up. My boss actually comes from a lot of money, but moving in with his parents was definitely NOT an option for him and so they still had to figure out what they were gonna do. Knowing that you don't have a home to go home to, nor a job anymore (and that you really only have the bare essentials ) is a really scary prospect for anybody.

But again, the challenges that make you more mature don't have to be nearly so dire. In your case, going for a job and taking initiative on that would definitely be the first step. I mean, what do you really have to lose there?

If you wait until you feel 100% confident and ready, you might never get there. Believe me, your confidence shoots up a ton if you're just thrown into an unfamiliar situation and make it work.

 

[SpideyVille]

I guess what I mean is that I'm comfortable with who I am but not where I am in life, which affects how willing I am to actually pursue a relationship with someone because seeing where I am makes me feel less content with myself. I know I have a lot of great qualities that are not being used or shown, but I still feel a potential partner would look down on me to some extent because I don't have my life together, at least not in a stable sense. But I know the solution to all this is easy, and Erz pointed it the other day. I need to get a job, get out more, move out, etc and that should make everything else fall into place in the way that I want it to.

But for some reason taking that first step is just so hard for me, and I know its all mental. Like there's something inside that I just cant fight about myself and that's where all my frustration comes from. At the end of the day, I'm holding myself back.

 

[Anita18]

I guess what I mean is that I'm comfortable with who I am but not where I am in life, which affects how willing I am to actually pursue a relationship with someone because seeing where I am makes me feel less content with myself. I know I have a lot of great qualities that are not being used or shown, but I still feel a potential partner would look down on me to some extent because I don't have my life together, at least not in a stable sense. But I know the solution to all this is easy, and Erz pointed it the other day. I need to get a job, get out more, move out, etc and that should make everything else fall into place in the way that I want it to.

But for some reason taking that first step is just so hard for me, and I know its all mental. Like there's something inside that I just cant fight about myself and that's where all my frustration comes from. At the end of the day, I'm holding myself back.

Not necessarily. I think I've actually scared some guys away because I (in the words of my boss) "look like I have my s*** together." Which I don't but when I make a concrete decision, I follow up and never look back.

Do you think that fear of taking that first step is from guilt? Like thinking that you have to keep things together for your family and that's just gonna be your role in life?

 

[SpideyVille]

Not necessarily. I think I've actually scared some guys away because I (in the words of my boss) "look like I have my s*** together." Which I don't but when I make a concrete decision, I follow up and never look back.

I will admit that when I see a girl like that, its a bit intimidating. I guess its because I know I'm not all together, which is a quality that I think most girls would look for in a guy, whereas for a guy its not as important if a girl doesn't have everything together.

Do you think that fear of taking that first step is from guilt? Like thinking that you have to keep things together for your family and that's just gonna be your role in life?

I would say no, its definitely not that. Ive mentioned how I've been in love with the idea of falling in love, and how it was always some form of escape for me. And I'm pretty convinced that once I get out there on my own and have my own family that I'm not going to look back. As much as I hate to admit it, I'd probably leave my mom on her own without a real care of what happens. That's why I guess I'm almost waiting for something to open up hat I would love to doing on a daily basis. But I've very dependent on having that "Me" time where I can just do what I want.

I think its more of a fear of not having the same amount of time to do things that I would love like I do now. Like I've had this fear for the past few years that I'm wasting time and not being as productive in terms of what I like to do in my free time. And I fear that work would consume me and my time, if it was something that I don't want to do. Like I would hate to feel like I was stuck doing something that made me unhappy just because I'm dependent on the job and the money.

Plus, I also think it has a lot to do with how when I'm home, I never want to leave. Until I'm out, then I never want to come back. It's like the longer I stay home, the harder it is for me to want to get out.

And I guess the really big fear is just change. I don't like change and having to readjust my life. So as much as I know I'm missing out on in life, I'm too scared to try to change anything because I'm comfortable where I am, even though I know change is definitely needed.