Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[amazingfantasy15]

I think chemistry is dependent on animal instincts, passion, eye contact, body language, history, and just a whole host of other things I can't replicate online. Like you I'd rather be alone than simply find someone that just shares my interests. In fact I find my biggest failures all came when I tried to start something with "smart matches". My interests are my interests, not necessarily a list of things my friends and lovers have to enjoy. They can enjoy none of it, they just simply have to enjoy me. In some instances I'd prefer they have their own thing, I enjoy my quiet time.

You think that's lost in online dating? It's not, I met my girlfriend through eHarmony, famous for it's 29 components of compatability or some such nonsense. The summer before we started dating I really put myself out there to find people in both the real world and online. I had plenty of bad dates from eHarmony, not disasters, we just didn't "click", on paper we did, in person we didn't though. After 5 months of being online, I was planning on taking a break, had 3 dates lined up, 2 were duds, the 1 with my girlfriend was amazing, we had that chemistry, spark, whatever, we don't share all the same interests, some, not all, we're in wildly different careers. I never would have met her though without eHarmony, all it did was introduce us, everything else is/was the "animal instincts". The compatability stuff is really just having the same values, views on the future, like if you both want to get marrying, have children one day. I didn't sign up because it was the only way to get dates, it was just another avenue to use.

 

[WillardNation]

You and I clearly have different opinions of Facebook, I've never thought of it as a "single's bar" or hook-up invention. It's a way to keep in touch with friends I haven't seen in a while that's it.

Social networking is the easiest way to get laid these days. Granted, you run the risk of their pics being a bit photo shopped and them not being as hot as they make themselves appear online but, hey, it's whatever.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Social networking is the easiest way to get laid these days. Granted, you run the risk of their pics being a bit photo shopped and them not being as hot as they make themselves appear online but, hey, it's whatever.

It can also make things harder to keep private too, and you got to deal with girls who are not good at letting go (stalkers). Then when you are in a relationship a catfight starts on FB and can turn into a real mess.

 

[SpideyVille]

I remember when Facebook first opened up to high school students a few years ago, a friend of mine was trying to convince me to consider going out with a friend of hers who would always follow us on the bus but never talk. I wasn't really interested in seeing anybody at the time, and I told that to my friend in a convo we had on facebook. Her friend ended up seeing it, freaked out and cursed me out for not having the balls to say I didn't like her to her face. I was just baffled because she's the one who was too scared to say anything. Needless to say, everyone saw her comment and thought she was crazy.

 

[bullets]

^ haha.


I remember myspace caused me problems. I would add girls I met at a party and then my ex would message them. This one girl left me a comment saying I was her favorite "jello-shot partner". She was kind of a sl** so my ex assumed she meant we were doing body-shots together.

 

[ComicChick]

I'm actually surprised that more people haven't come forward about their introvertedness. It's an internet forum where you're not seeing people face-to-face, so one would think it'd be a bona fide mecca for introverts and that the REAL extroverts would be out having spirited discussions at least at their local comic book store or something. At the figure skating forum I post at, practically everyone there is a self-described introvert. It's been generally accepted as because it's an internet forum where we can socialize and then leave at our own pleasure, which is a socializing method that introverts definitely prefer.

Or maybe y'alls here are too shy to come forward, even online.

at times i really think i could fall into this introvert category
i can be shy at times, but i think my real issues is that i'm emotionally effed up.

i'm physically 26, mentally i feel like i'm in my 30's at times and emotionally, i couldn't even tell you. i'm finally trying to deal with things and it's frustrating.
i come from an unemotional, unaffectionate family. usually the only emotions ever shown were the negative ones. i'm very stoic externally and very controlled with my emotions. i rarely laugh out loud (i do laugh, i enjoy laughing a lot) and more than once in fights i've been told i'm cold hearted (i'm really not)
when there's an extreme emotion or something i don't know how to deal with or express, i pretty much shut down. that's all i know how to do and that comes from the circumstances i've grown up in and what not. i won't even let anyone see me cry if i can help it because it was used against me growing up. crying was considered a weakness.

i'm not good at expressing myself, i can't take a compliment well, at all. i usually end up saying something self deprecating or sarcastic which probably makes me come off like a total B. this was very apparent today to me.
i've always been self conscious and lack self confidence. i was never told i was pretty growing up or anything like that so if i ever hear it now i am skeptical and have a hard time accepting it.

i'm not saying this for pity or anything, just trying to get my thoughts out. the last year or two i've changed a lot. i've lost a lot of weight, been working out more, changing lifestyle etc, and tried to come out of my shell and to stop shutting myself off so much.

i had closing shift today as opposed to the 5-6am shifts so i had some time to dress nicer, put on a little makeup and straightened my hair. when i went into the back room where i bunch of my coworkers and friends were all sitting around for lunch the room went quiet when i came in. i've never had that kind of impact on a room ever. everyone told me how nice and pretty i looked and i was so uncomfortable at the compliments although it felt nice to hear them. i could barely mutter thank yous and change the subject fast enough

 

[the dmg]

You think that's lost in online dating? It's not, I met my girlfriend through eHarmony, famous for it's 29 components of compatability or some such nonsense. The summer before we started dating I really put myself out there to find people in both the real world and online. I had plenty of bad dates from eHarmony, not disasters, we just didn't "click", on paper we did, in person we didn't though. After 5 months of being online, I was planning on taking a break, had 3 dates lined up, 2 were duds, the 1 with my girlfriend was amazing, we had that chemistry, spark, whatever, we don't share all the same interests, some, not all, we're in wildly different careers. I never would have met her though without eHarmony, all it did was introduce us, everything else is/was the "animal instincts". The compatability stuff is really just having the same values, views on the future, like if you both want to get marrying, have children one day. I didn't sign up because it was the only way to get dates, it was just another avenue to use.

And that's all it is. Another avenue to explore in the dating world. I've never used them, but I do know people that have, and it's worked out better for them when compared to being set up by friends.etc. But it's just like anything else.

What works for some, might not work for others.

 

[Anita18]

at times i really think i could fall into this introvert category
i can be shy at times, but i think my real issues is that i'm emotionally effed up.

i'm physically 26, mentally i feel like i'm in my 30's at times and emotionally, i couldn't even tell you. i'm finally trying to deal with things and it's frustrating.
i come from an unemotional, unaffectionate family. usually the only emotions ever shown were the negative ones. i'm very stoic externally and very controlled with my emotions. i rarely laugh out loud (i do laugh, i enjoy laughing a lot) and more than once in fights i've been told i'm cold hearted (i'm really not)
when there's an extreme emotion or something i don't know how to deal with or express, i pretty much shut down. that's all i know how to do and that comes from the circumstances i've grown up in and what not. i won't even let anyone see me cry if i can help it because it was used against me growing up. crying was considered a weakness.

i'm not good at expressing myself, i can't take a compliment well, at all. i usually end up saying something self deprecating or sarcastic which probably makes me come off like a total B. this was very apparent today to me.
i've always been self conscious and lack self confidence. i was never told i was pretty growing up or anything like that so if i ever hear it now i am skeptical and have a hard time accepting it.

i'm not saying this for pity or anything, just trying to get my thoughts out. the last year or two i've changed a lot. i've lost a lot of weight, been working out more, changing lifestyle etc, and tried to come out of my shell and to stop shutting myself off so much.

i had closing shift today as opposed to the 5-6am shifts so i had some time to dress nicer, put on a little makeup and straightened my hair. when i went into the back room where i bunch of my coworkers and friends were all sitting around for lunch the room went quiet when i came in. i've never had that kind of impact on a room ever. everyone told me how nice and pretty i looked and i was so uncomfortable at the compliments although it felt nice to hear them. i could barely mutter thank yous and change the subject fast enough

It sounds like you're making some strides, CC. One step at a time - now that you're aware of things you want to change, try something different from what your default reaction is.



Speaking of advice, on Facebook I'm part of an introvert group (yeah yeah..) and sometimes even those people take me for a loop. They're not always JUST introverted, but they've got other deep-seated issues too. Sometimes I wonder if I can find a group for introverted people who aren't emotionally damaged. Anyways, someone asked whether it was normal to feel uncomfortable that his fiancee kept photos of her exes around. He did "confront her" about it and she "got defensive" and I was like, "Um, sounds like you've got some low self-esteem and trust issues going on." He said it was partly because of "some things she had done to him in the past" and I was like "Dude, you really should get the trust issues worked out, ya know, BEFORE you get married." Even though divorce exists, it's a serious pain in the butt and a very expensive prospect even when both parties agree to everything!

Ugh, I wonder about people sometimes...

 

[bullets]

i'm not saying this for pity or anything, just trying to get my thoughts out. the last year or two i've changed a lot. i've lost a lot of weight, been working out more, changing lifestyle etc, and tried to come out of my shell and to stop shutting myself off so much.

i had closing shift today as opposed to the 5-6am shifts so i had some time to dress nicer, put on a little makeup and straightened my hair. when i went into the back room where i bunch of my coworkers and friends were all sitting around for lunch the room went quiet when i came in. i've never had that kind of impact on a room ever. everyone told me how nice and pretty i looked and i was so uncomfortable at the compliments although it felt nice to hear them. i could barely mutter thank yous and change the subject fast enough

That's good to hear. I've had some issues in the last couple years and lost a lot of confidence. So I'm living an introvert's lifestyle but it doesn't satisfy me.

 

[HisMagicTrick]

Speaking of advice, on Facebook I'm part of an introvert group (yeah yeah..) and sometimes even those people take me for a loop. They're not always JUST introverted, but they've got other deep-seated issues too. Sometimes I wonder if I can find a group for introverted people who aren't emotionally damaged. Anyways, someone asked whether it was normal to feel uncomfortable that his fiancee kept photos of her exes around. He did "confront her" about it and she "got defensive" and I was like, "Um, sounds like you've got some low self-esteem and trust issues going on." He said it was partly because of "some things she had done to him in the past" and I was like "Dude, you really should get the trust issues worked out, ya know, BEFORE you get married." Even though divorce exists, it's a serious pain in the butt and a very expensive prospect even when both parties agree to everything!

Ugh, I wonder about people sometimes...

You know, it is quite interesting that most introverts do, in some way or another, have some sort of emotional/psychological problem. I wonder if there's an actual reason for that...

 

[Hobgoblin]

at times i really think i could fall into this introvert category
i can be shy at times, but i think my real issues is that i'm emotionally effed up.

i'm physically 26, mentally i feel like i'm in my 30's at times and emotionally, i couldn't even tell you. i'm finally trying to deal with things and it's frustrating.
i come from an unemotional, unaffectionate family. usually the only emotions ever shown were the negative ones. i'm very stoic externally and very controlled with my emotions. i rarely laugh out loud (i do laugh, i enjoy laughing a lot) and more than once in fights i've been told i'm cold hearted (i'm really not)
when there's an extreme emotion or something i don't know how to deal with or express, i pretty much shut down. that's all i know how to do and that comes from the circumstances i've grown up in and what not. i won't even let anyone see me cry if i can help it because it was used against me growing up. crying was considered a weakness.

i had closing shift today as opposed to the 5-6am shifts so i had some time to dress nicer, put on a little makeup and straightened my hair. when i went into the back room where i bunch of my coworkers and friends were all sitting around for lunch the room went quiet when i came in. i've never had that kind of impact on a room ever. everyone told me how nice and pretty i looked and i was so uncomfortable at the compliments although it felt nice to hear them. i could barely mutter thank yous and change the subject fast enough

You sound like me. Those are all things that I feel and we come from a similar background.

 

[Anita18]

You know, it is quite interesting that most introverts do, in some way or another, have some sort of emotional/psychological problem. I wonder if there's an actual reason for that...

I'm not sure if it's safe to say that "most" of them do. A lot of them who feel the need to talk about it do.. Maybe they're searching for something, or trying to work through their issues, and thus need to talk about it and find kindred spirits.

Heck, if I needed an introvert group that wasn't emotionally damaged, the best thing to do is probably hang out with my bf and parents.

But yeah, it usually takes even the normal esteemed introverts a very long time to at least be comfortable with our introvertedness, because so much of what is considered "preferred normal behavior" is extroverted behavior.

 

[HisMagicTrick]

I'm not sure if it's safe to say that "most" of them do. A lot of them who feel the need to talk about it do.. Maybe they're searching for something, or trying to work through their issues, and thus need to talk about it and find kindred spirits.

Heck, if I needed an introvert group that wasn't emotionally damaged, the best thing to do is probably hang out with my bf and parents.

But yeah, it usually takes even the normal esteemed introverts a very long time to at least be comfortable with our introvertedness, because so much of what is considered "preferred normal behavior" is extroverted behavior.

Very true.

 

[Hobgoblin]

You know, it is quite interesting that most introverts do, in some way or another, have some sort of emotional/psychological problem. I wonder if there's an actual reason for that...

Ever heard of highly sensitive people? They tend to be, yes, highly sensitive to physical stimulation and emotion. I dont know if all introverts are HSP but I wonder sometimes.

Personally, I've felt that introverts are just born that way. They've done studies over the course of peoples life times, studying their personalities. Even as infants, people that are introverted cried more and were less comfortable with strangers than extroverted babies.

 

[SpideyVille]

at times i really think i could fall into this introvert category
i can be shy at times, but i think my real issues is that i'm emotionally effed up.

i'm physically 26, mentally i feel like i'm in my 30's at times and emotionally, i couldn't even tell you. i'm finally trying to deal with things and it's frustrating.
i come from an unemotional, unaffectionate family. usually the only emotions ever shown were the negative ones. i'm very stoic externally and very controlled with my emotions. i rarely laugh out loud (i do laugh, i enjoy laughing a lot) and more than once in fights i've been told i'm cold hearted (i'm really not)
when there's an extreme emotion or something i don't know how to deal with or express, i pretty much shut down. that's all i know how to do and that comes from the circumstances i've grown up in and what not. i won't even let anyone see me cry if i can help it because it was used against me growing up. crying was considered a weakness.

i'm not good at expressing myself, i can't take a compliment well, at all. i usually end up saying something self deprecating or sarcastic which probably makes me come off like a total B. this was very apparent today to me.
i've always been self conscious and lack self confidence. i was never told i was pretty growing up or anything like that so if i ever hear it now i am skeptical and have a hard time accepting it.

i'm not saying this for pity or anything, just trying to get my thoughts out. the last year or two i've changed a lot. i've lost a lot of weight, been working out more, changing lifestyle etc, and tried to come out of my shell and to stop shutting myself off so much.

i had closing shift today as opposed to the 5-6am shifts so i had some time to dress nicer, put on a little makeup and straightened my hair. when i went into the back room where i bunch of my coworkers and friends were all sitting around for lunch the room went quiet when i came in. i've never had that kind of impact on a room ever. everyone told me how nice and pretty i looked and i was so uncomfortable at the compliments although it felt nice to hear them. i could barely mutter thank yous and change the subject fast enough

You sound a lot like me. I was just explaining to a friend a mine how my mom thinks I'm crazy. I've always been really reserved. Secretly I love attention (which explains why I enjoy acting) but I've never really been in an environment where I was encouraged to speak out, so I learned to not really have an opinion on anything. But sometimes it just feels like too much and I either stay quiet or I try to joke around to ease the mood. But either way they think something is wrong with me.

I like to post interesting and inspirational quotes and sayings on facebook because I remember being super depressed and hopeless and I don't want others to feel that way. But earlier my sister saw something and called my mom to see what's wrong with me and now everyone is trying to "help" me by telling me to quit my play and to get a real job, and its like they don't want me to do the few things that keep me sane and make me happy, and then they wonder why I avoid them all.

It's almost like whenever I feel good and hopeful about myself and my future, they get in the way and bring me back down., and it really doesn't become difficult to make those changes because just like you, my background was never a positive or encouraging one. So its definitely a battle, but its good that you're making changes to get out of that. If there's one thing I've learned, its that sometimes the way we view ourselves interferes with our understanding of how others view us.

 

[HisMagicTrick]

Ever heard of highly sensitive people? They tend to be, yes, highly sensitive to physical stimulation and emotion. I dont know if all introverts are HSP but I wonder sometimes.

Never heard of it, but I just quickly read some things about it and I don't think it applies to all introverts. Well, I'm an introvert anyway and I certainly don't show any signs of it.

 

[Anita18]

Ever heard of highly sensitive people? They tend to be, yes, highly sensitive to physical stimulation and emotion. I dont know if all introverts are HSP but I wonder sometimes.

Personally, I've felt that introverts are just born that way. They've done studies over the course of peoples life times, studying their personalities. Even as infants, people that are introverted cried more and were less comfortable with strangers than extroverted babies.

I did read an article that suggested that being introverted wasn't the opposite of being extroverted, but that it's actually on the autism spectrum. A very mild form of it to be fair, but considering how my bf reacts to loud environments, there could be some truth in that.

I deal with loud noises perfectly fine (well, up to the point where it's actually physically uncomfortable for my ears), but I can't do bright environments. Everyone always notes how I have my screens fairly dim and even my car dashboard is on the lowest possible setting. I get a headache if they're on too bright.

I do find some autistic qualities in myself, although I have a very strong empathetic side so that would probably discount me in general.

 

[WillardNation]

You sound a lot like me. I was just explaining to a friend a mine how my mom thinks I'm crazy. I've always been really reserved. Secretly I love attention (which explains why I enjoy acting) but I've never really been in an environment where I was encouraged to speak out, so I learned to not really have an opinion on anything. But sometimes it just feels like too much and I either stay quiet or I try to joke around to ease the mood. But either way they think something is wrong with me.

I like to post interesting and inspirational quotes and sayings on facebook because I remember being super depressed and hopeless and I don't want others to feel that way. But earlier my sister saw something and called my mom to see what's wrong with me and now everyone is trying to "help" me by telling me to quit my play and to get a real job, and its like they don't want me to do the few things that keep me sane and make me happy, and then they wonder why I avoid them all.

It's almost like whenever I feel good and hopeful about myself and my future, they get in the way and bring me back down., and it really doesn't become difficult to make those changes because just like you, my background was never a positive or encouraging one. So its definitely a battle, but its good that you're making changes to get out of that. If there's one thing I've learned, its that sometimes the way we view ourselves interferes with our understanding of how others view us.

That's ******. At some point, you gotta just decide that there's no room for negative people in your life. If it's your family, of course keep them around but try to keep them at arms length and not let any of their negativity affect you. Do want you wanna do and what makes you happy. **** whatever anybody says about it.

 

[SpideyVille]

Ever heard of highly sensitive people? They tend to be, yes, highly sensitive to physical stimulation and emotion. I dont know if all introverts are HSP but I wonder sometimes.

Personally, I've felt that introverts are just born that way. They've done studies over the course of peoples life times, studying their personalities. Even as infants, people that are introverted cried more and were less comfortable with strangers than extroverted babies.

I don't know, growing up I was very loud and active. I used to play in little league and I would always talk to people. But then I remember talking so much that I was always told to shut up by my family. Plus, my mom worked in my school so everyone knew me and I was too scared to act out and I ended up becoming very shy and quiet.

Sometimes I wonder if my mother wasn't so uptight and paranoid if maybe I could've lived a more "normal" life. I was very happy as a child but as I got older, that's when the disappointment and frustration became an issue.

 

[SpideyVille]

That's ******. At some point, you gotta just decide that there's no room for negative people in your life. If it's your family, of course keep them around but try to keep them at arms length and not let any of their negativity affect you. Do want you wanna do and what makes you happy. **** whatever anybody says about it.

The funny thing is its just me and my mom. My brother lives close by and my sister lives in California, and they never say anything to me. Instead they say everything to my mom, who will then come and act on what they say to do. It's not like they're very active or present in my life, but at the same time, they're not very supportive when they are around, and its not just with me but with each other as well.

But I've always considered myself the Black Sheep of the family anyway. I'm the only one who is about to have graduated from college, I went to all the best schools, I do creative and active things. I know there's some jealousy because I was the youngest and I was "spoiled" as a child, but sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciated enough by them because I didn't follow their footsteps.

 

[ComicChick]

i am definitely the black sheep

i'm the only one who graduated high school, has kept a steady job, has a license and a car, and does NOT have a drug habit

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah sometimes I look at my family and what they say about me and wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me. But then I go out and I meet people outside and I just feel like I've been stuck in a crazy world for all my life. I guess that's why I've spent my whole life trying to fit in and being what would be considered "normal". But its hard going back and forth in both worlds, which is why I try to keep them as separated as possible.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

You think that's lost in online dating? It's not, I met my girlfriend through eHarmony, famous for it's 29 components of compatability or some such nonsense. The summer before we started dating I really put myself out there to find people in both the real world and online. I had plenty of bad dates from eHarmony, not disasters, we just didn't "click", on paper we did, in person we didn't though. After 5 months of being online, I was planning on taking a break, had 3 dates lined up, 2 were duds, the 1 with my girlfriend was amazing, we had that chemistry, spark, whatever, we don't share all the same interests, some, not all, we're in wildly different careers. I never would have met her though without eHarmony, all it did was introduce us, everything else is/was the "animal instincts". The compatability stuff is really just having the same values, views on the future, like if you both want to get marrying, have children one day. I didn't sign up because it was the only way to get dates, it was just another avenue to use.

I don't want to know anything about someone when I first see them. There is something powerful to me about such happenstance connections. Meeting people online is how I do business at my job. Yes a lot of the animal chemistry is at work to, but there I'm expected to do a job, plan for outcomes and act like I'm in control.

Like my cat. My cat is definitely a runaway housecat. She snuck in one day and I knew she wasn't a stray. She decided I am her Dad and the rest is history. Her timing was incredibly inconvenient and I don't even like cats. I like her though. She's mine. I'm sure there are cats as nice as she on eCat, but there's no serendipity. That cat is special because it was just some odd cosmic coincidence we found each other. Also I rose to the occasion. I just looked at her, realized it was all wrong but knew in my heart I couldn't put her back of the streets. That relationship would lose a lot without all this.

It certainly seems like such sites are convenient. That's a problem for me because I'm not looking so much as open to it finding me. I'm firstly not trying to change, or be with someone just to find someone. I've had sex, I've been in relationships, and I've done casual. I didn't decide to do anything of these things. I just walked into a situation to see what happens.

The other problem I have with having a profile is I feel in a sense I'm the audience. I don't know what I want. I don't even really know what I like. There's a lot I don't know about myself. My profile could only ever be accurate for a day.

 

[Anita18]

I find it really sad, but also unsurprising that sometimes your family is the most resistant wall to your own success. I think it stems from a fear of abandonment - if you get "too good" for your family, you'll leave them, so that's why they try to keep you down by any means possible.

At the same time, they're pushing you away for good because many people in such situations wise up and kick all negative people out of their life, which includes the family that was never supportive of them.

I mean, if you came from a humble background and became successful and had parents who supported you all the way, at least you'd feel grateful and maybe come back to them because you want to thank them for all they did for you. But it's amazing how much people can sabotage things for themselves AND other people for short-term selfish reasons.

 

[Anita18]

Like my cat. My cat is definitely a runaway housecat. She snuck in one day and I knew she wasn't a stray. She decided I am her Dad and the rest is history. Her timing was incredibly inconvenient and I don't even like cats. I like her though. She's mine. I'm sure there are cats as nice as she on eCat, but there's no serendipity. That cat is special because it was just some odd cosmic coincidence we found each other. Also I rose to the occasion. I just looked at her, realized it was all wrong but knew in my heart I couldn't put her back of the streets. That relationship would lose a lot without all this.

Cats most definitely choose their owners and win them over with their feline cuteness.

If a person were to try this, it'd be called stalking.