Revenge of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[twylight]

Okay, I'll bite. What was this relationship you were in and for how long that has put you off the market for 2+ years?

Did we ever get an answer to this from Bum? I'm very curious as well.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Was it Wilson?

Even Helen Hunt couldn't replace Wilson.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Angel, as someone who used to worry about the same thing, the best advice I can give you is to distract yourself and not worry about it too much. I would wait until he texts you, though, because I agree that it's very important not to seem TOO interested at first...can definitely come off as clingy. Be responsive when he talks to you, but let him initiate. Men love the chase

I'm just really worried I'll mess things up somehow. I was the same way with the 3 (internet) relationships I've been in. I don't want to freak him out. Scare him off. It may be a little soon to say this, but I'm really starting to like him. Not saying I'm head over heels or anything, because that'd be stupid of me to say after 3-4 dates, but yeah.

 

[Erzengel]

3-4 dates? How old is he?

 

[Angel_Faerie]

3-4 dates? How old is he?

23.

 

[AndThePickles]

I'm just really worried I'll mess things up somehow. I was the same way with the 3 (internet) relationships I've been in. I don't want to freak him out. Scare him off. It may be a little soon to say this, but I'm really starting to like him. Not saying I'm head over heels or anything, because that'd be stupid of me to say after 3-4 dates, but yeah.

I know that it's hard not to worry, but trust me, stressing about it is the easiest way to end up clingy. Try to remember that this is very casual so far, and keep the mindset that if things don't work out, there are plenty of other great guys out there. It will help you keep things in perspective.

 

[SpideyVille]

I know that it's hard not to worry, but trust me, stressing about it is the easiest way to end up clingy. Try to remember that this is very casual so far, and keep the mindset that if things don't work out, there are plenty of other great guys out there. It will help you keep things in perspective.

Yeah this was a lesson I learned with the last girl I liked. We weren't dating but it was pretty clear that we were both interested in each other and we used to talk a lot everyday. For a while I felt like I was finally in control since I was more of the "settler" instead of the "reacher". But once we stopped talking as often, I started to get clingy because I was scared of letting her go (abandonment issues). But it turned out that as scared as I was of losing her, I ended up pushing her away because how I started to act when things changed between us.

Had I had that mentality that I have now where I'm not so focused on making "this time work or else it never will", I'm pretty sure things would have went much differently and I wouldn't have gotten so hurt or depressed when we finally did stop talking.

 

[Charlie Boy]

So, my lady had a miscarraige this week... It's really taken a toll on her. Neither of us exactly want children, ever. But still, she's quite upset and I'm not entirely sure how to console her. I'm trying to be there for her as much as possible, but I'm not sure anything I'm saying or doing is making her feel better.

Anyone ever been through a similar situation or have any sage wisdom to bestow upon me?

 

[Erzengel]

Just tell her if she wants to talk about it, you'll be there for her. Be supportive and understanding but I wouldn't necessarily bring it up, sometimes being silently supportive can speak volumes.

 

[AndThePickles]

Please, please don't try to console her with anything along the lines of "neither of us exactly want children" anyways, right? From what I know of it, having a miscarriage is an extremely traumatic experience. There isn't much that you can say that will make her feel better...and I agree with what Erz said.

 

[steintym]

Wow, no magical words of wisdom from me. I'm just really sorry to hear about that.

 

[Anita18]

So, my lady had a miscarraige this week... It's really taken a toll on her. Neither of us exactly want children, ever. But still, she's quite upset and I'm not entirely sure how to console her. I'm trying to be there for her as much as possible, but I'm not sure anything I'm saying or doing is making her feel better.

Anyone ever been through a similar situation or have any sage wisdom to bestow upon me?

I'm really sorry to hear that. Unfortunately there's nothing you can really do - there's a grieving process and the only thing to do is to let it take its course. Everybody needs different things. Just be there for her and let her know that you'll be there for her no matter what.

Not that I've experienced anything like that myself, but I was reading Tori Amos's memoir and she went through three miscarriages before finally having a daughter. It sounded very traumatic, because she was literally losing a child and you know it's happening and you can't do anything about it. From the way she wrote things, she had to make peace with herself and her husband was there all the way to support her. That's probably the best approach.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Holy Holly Goodhead Batman! This thread was simpler back when it was just a bunch of "how do I know if this girl likes me?".

Anyways, in regards to Charlie Boy, I'm sorry, that sucks. Not really a whole lot else I can tell you. Just from what I know about pregnancy, all of which is strictly academic, the hormonal response to this is pretty severe, and she'll be in a dark place for a while. I don't want to sugar coat it because it'll certainly be a test for you. The best advice I can give is treat it as if this had been an actual person. In other words, don't try to rationalize the situation, because while it isn't the same as losing a friend or family member, emotionally for her it'll feel the same, and that's really what matters.

Grief has it's own tides and seasons, and it's best not to tread on someone else's. This is one of those things that'll have it's own unique set of consequences, and not knowing her personally it's hard to say exactly what you should do in this situation.

 

[Lobo]

As someone who used to be incredibly shy around women, I thought this was a good and helpful article http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=8425009

Also this one on First Date Etiquette is a good one for any Hypester unsure of himself

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yay! I just got friend-zone'd by a girl I like for the 30 millionth time! t:

Here's how you avoid the dreaded friend zone

I used to get friend zone'd a fair bit, so over the years I've become better and better at "avoiding it". The reason I put that in quotations is that being friends with a girl, even a really hot girl is not a bad thing. One of the first mistakes I made was to avoid becoming friends with girls, even though that's a tricky relationship in and of itself.

One thing I notice other people do, a mistake I made constantly, is people who get friend zone'd seem to enter situations with girls assuming the girl doesn't or won't like them unless they act a certain way or do certain things. This is where that whole "nice guy" persona comes into play. As I observe people take on this persona (or when I think about when I did it) I notice two things about these guys: they talk an awful lot and or they don't listen very well. Remembering what someone said and listening are two different things by the way. Listening means that you are actively trying to pick up on cues from the other individual as to whether or not they like you. These cues are mostly non-verbal. The good news is they are a two-way street. Sharing food or drink, winking (fairly obvious), asking you a lot of questions about YOU, fumbling with a personal affect, biting the lower lip, breaking eye contact and looking down and way, body posture, etc are all signs. When girls give you these signals, you need to start being a little more direct with them.

With anyone being direct is key. Some people will say it only works on certain people, but what I say is anyone it doesn't work on wasn't right for you anyways. Be direct about what you want. I'm not telling you to go out asking for hanky panky everywhere you go, and it's good practice to go for something casual or try for a phone number first. 90% of people aren't immediately physically comfortable with people, usually they don't even want to share personal facts right away either.

If you want a social "trick" I use it's this: when you meet a girl you like, if you sense hesitence or if you feel yourself getting "friend zone'd" understand what's actually developing is a lack of trust. She's putting up with your "kindness" but because you've been unclear about your motives she's going to keep you at arm's length. The "trick" is once you sense the level she's comfortable at, go one lower. In other words call her on her BS. It could be as simple as "look, you seem like a really great person, but this isn't really what I'm looking for right now". This is completely honest from your standpoint, and it'll put her on the spot. Or you can try to be a little more creative, but in someway you need to indicate that you don't fully trust her and or you don't like where this is heading.

Relationships are all about compromise and establishing boundries. These girls are friend zoning you because in some way you have communicated that this is an acceptible way to be treated, and the truth is, it isn't.

I think also it's good practice to re-adjust your thinking. "No"s and better than "Yes"s, because when you get rejected nothing happens! There is no penalty, no consequences, no responsibilities to uphold when you get rejected. You can't impregnate a "no", "no"s aren't going to call you randomly and annoy you at work, and you'll never pick a "no" up from the airport. You should be glad if a girl rejects you, especially if all she does when she hangs around you and talk endlessly about herself, who needs that headache??!!

 

[DarthDaveBanner]

I got "friend zone'd" by a girl earlier this year.....she showed loads of signs that she was interested but changed her mind when she got a bit closer to me. She said she was still in love with her ex and didn't want a relationship but I'm pretty sure that was just to spare me feeling rejected. I was totally in love with her (still am) but knew there wasn't much I could do.

So we go on to become great friends.....we were extremely close and she ended up telling me really deep secrets that I actually felt moved that she trusted me with. But a few months ago things turned sour.

She started seeing this a boy, who to me seemed like a right *****ebag. I didn't tell her this but she could tell I was upset with her seeing him.....and so when they broke up a mere 4 days later she somehow decided this was my fault. At first I was angry at this accusation and we kind of argued for a bit, yet I couldn't stay mad at her and the next apologised for being snappy. Her response "I don't want you to speak to me again."

That hurt worse than any relationship ending ever has for me.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

When she showed signs of liking you did you initiate any physical contact, or try to bring up sex in any way?

Or did you go out or ask her out?

 

[DarthDaveBanner]

She invited me to her house for dinner. We then saw a couple of movies and ended up making out, the next day she seemed to go off me.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

She invited me to her house for dinner. We then saw a couple of movies and ended up making out, the next day she seemed to go off me.

That's as far as she wanted to take it. Unfortunately, there's not much more I can say. The good news for you in this is there wasn't anything you could do about it. I realize that's kind of a weird answer, but it's true. If she was off you did you confront her about it? Ask her why she was acting that way? I'm not necessarily saying you'd like the answer but if it pissed you off or confused you I would've said something.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

So, I had quite the saucy dream about the guy I'm dating a while ago and now my hormones are all "rawr!" any time I see him or text him. Kind of worried I'll pounce him one of these days!

But in all seriousness, what do I do? I haven't told him about the dream (figured it'd creep him out) but I am a teeny bit legitimately concerned I'll do something stupid if my hormones don't cool it.

 

[DarthDaveBanner]

@ Optimus

Well I kind of asked her to level with me, which is when she said about still liking her ex. I took that as a "your a nice guy but not my type". I was pretty upset but I did want her in my life which is why we stayed great friends until recently. I'm just really bummed that its seemed to have ended over something so trivial. Literally feels like I have lost a limb.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

@ Optimus

Well I kind of asked her to level with me, which is when she said about still liking her ex. I took that as a "your a nice guy but not my type". I was pretty upset but I did want her in my life which is why we stayed great friends until recently. I'm just really bummed that its seemed to have ended over something so trivial. Literally feels like I have lost a limb.

Well I understand you did want her in your life but not as a friend, right? I mean I say that because you said you were jealous of her with other men. So I presume you were still attracted to her. What I would've done in your situation is go try to meet some new people, even if you like her. You can somewhat keep her in your life, but I really wouldn't spend more time with her than what's necessary to maintain a casual relationship. When she said she liked her ex she wanted space, more importantly space from you. So give her space. Otherwise she'll feel as though you're really not listening.

In my perspective, I wouldn't have liked all that ex business and I would've just moved on right then. I mean she certainly treated you like crap in my opinion. She invited you over, went out with you, was physically intimate and then peaced out. If she knew she had unresolved issues with someone else she shouldn't have lead you on like that.

While I don't think friend zoning someone is necessarily malicious, I'll be honest they know the whole time you like them (that way) and are either afraid or unwilling to say.

If I had to guess you probably never expressed any anger or tried to argue with her (because clearly you had a different opinion here). Arguing, whether it's playful flirting, a serious argument or even being passively dismissive of a partner is things couples do. "Nice guys" mistakenly believe relationships must be non confrontational, when the opposite is true. Disagreements are normal. "Jerks" kind of play this to the extreme by insulting women. What this does is make the partner feel as though they must work harder to appease this person. Your brain naturally wants to stay committed to what it's expended a lot of energy over - thus why being a jerk works.

This functions on a smaller level. If you think she's making a mistake leaving you or going back to her ex, say so. It's okay to even say "you're making me angry/sad by doing this".

 

[DarthDaveBanner]

Well I understand you did want her in your life but not as a friend, right? I mean I say that because you said you were jealous of her with other men. So I presume you were still attracted to her. What I would've done in your situation is go try to meet some new people, even if you like her. You can somewhat keep her in your life, but I really wouldn't spend more time with her than what's necessary to maintain a casual relationship. When she said she liked her ex she wanted space, more importantly space from you. So give her space. Otherwise she'll feel as though you're really not listening.

In my perspective, I wouldn't have liked all that ex business and I would've just moved on right then. I mean she certainly treated you like crap in my opinion. She invited you over, went out with you, was physically intimate and then peaced out. If she knew she had unresolved issues with someone else she shouldn't have lead you on like that.

While I don't think friend zoning someone is necessarily malicious, I'll be honest they know the whole time you like them (that way) and are either afraid or unwilling to say.

If I had to guess you probably never expressed any anger or tried to argue with her (because clearly you had a different opinion here). Arguing, whether it's playful flirting, a serious argument or even being passively dismissive of a partner is things couples do. "Nice guys" mistakenly believe relationships must be non confrontational, when the opposite is true. Disagreements are normal. "Jerks" kind of play this to the extreme by insulting women. What this does is make the partner feel as though they must work harder to appease this person. Your brain naturally wants to stay committed to what it's expended a lot of energy over - thus why being a jerk works.

This functions on a smaller level. If you think she's making a mistake leaving you or going back to her ex, say so. It's okay to even say "you're making me angry/sad by doing this".

Yeah I loved her, still do. But I knew that I had to move on because nothing would ever happen but I still wanted her as a friend......and yeah all my friends were telling me that she was pretty much walking all over me; she knew how much I liked her and so would always ask me to drive her places, buy her drinks etc. and of course I'd always comply.

And yeah, the first time I really showed anger was over me being blamed for her new relationship ending.....I guess she just figured I didn't have it in me!

 

[amazingfantasy15]

So, I had quite the saucy dream about the guy I'm dating a while ago and now my hormones are all "rawr!" any time I see him or text him. Kind of worried I'll pounce him one of these days!

But in all seriousness, what do I do? I haven't told him about the dream (figured it'd creep him out) but I am a teeny bit legitimately concerned I'll do something stupid if my hormones don't cool it.

Act on it, obviously only go as far as your comfortable going, but I really like it when my girlfriend occasionally "takes charge".

 

[Erzengel]

I'm going to be totally honest, and trying to be as nice as possible.

But take what's left of your dignity and walk away from this girl.

You are using the excuse, "I don't want to lose her as a friend." to keep her in your life.

And she sounds like she's using your feelings for her, to take advantage of you.

You aren't being a true friend while harboring feelings for her and be honest with yourself. Do you think if you were in a relationship with another girl, that girl would want you to be friends with this one? Also do you think you would want to spend time with her if you were dating someone else?"

Honestly, dude, let her go at least until you are over her.