Revenge of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Hey DBryan how old are you?

 

[The Original Bamfer]

I can't give out relationship advice when I'm so busy dealing with my own love life. My ex-fiancé (who I broke up with) still wants to be friends, which is quite hard considering we did love eachother, so naturally we still have feelings for one another. He's jealous and constantly wants to know what's going on in my life. He was and is very manipulative. And when he wouldn't get his way, he wore me down till he got it. That's ultimately why I ended it. His destructive flaws clouded our love. Everyone's told me that one can't be friends with their ex, but I want to prove them wrong... though he's making it difficult.

Since that disaster, though, I met a guy who is the complete opposite. He makes me very happy without trying. It has to get worse before it gets better, I suppose!

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Seriously Anita my romantic life is a string of rejections.

The last girl I really opened up to (earlier this year) turned everything I had said back at me to hurt me.

It's ******* hard.

For a while there I even got suicidal over it.

Two things.

One, like Erz says: "numbers game"

Two, awkwardness is a huge part of relationship building. All relationships start off with awkwardness, and it's really you're job to stick past it. Sex makes things even more awkward.

First of all why is the "last girl you opened" up to something from the past. You should be open with people in general. Having greater willingness to be open with people and saying what's on your mind is actually going to protect you more from people like her. Being an introvert isn't helping you one bit. Most nice girls with lives aren't going to expend the energy to get past that shell of yours, and those that will are probably all going to be like that last girl.

I realize some of this is counterintuitive. Honestly, the next girl you meet, in your shoes, I'd try to bring up sex. I think it would be illuminating for you. Don't assume just because someone is "nice" or a "girl next door" that you need to treat them as if they are twelve. Moreover, do this for yourself, just for the reaction because honestly I think you'll be surprised at the outcome. Don't just dump your feelings on them, it's bad practice. Don't just try to have conversations with them either, ask them out, then don't talk to them until you see them.

The reason I say this is because I get the impression you just talk to them and never try to take it anywhere. This is at the heart of why you keep getting rejected. Let the girl be the one whose responsible for pumping the brakes (and make sure you're respectful of any boundries she sets up). If you try to lull her into this sense that all you want to do is talk, divulge all these inner most secrets, it's going to be pretty off-putting when you finally sum up the courage to take the lead.

This is the problem: while it doesn't have to sound like a business meeting, you need to start having some serious discussions with women. Push and play with some of the taboos you have in your mind. Usually girls negotiate with me, and I find that's true for most guys. She might not give you what you want right away, but whether it's a date, or sex, or a relationship, as long as she's aware of what you're looking for early on she may make an effort to meet you halfway instead of flatly rejecting you.

Let's start from scratch. When you meet a girl you need to make some indicated that you're interested and also in what way. You don't have to be a jerk about it, and you don't, and you shouldn't lie. Try throwing something in like "Do you find me attractive?", "what're you doing later?", "can I get your phone number, I'd like to see you again", "you wanna go fool around ?" I usually go for phone numbers first, and that's usually the best place to start, but don't limit yourself. You'll get better at sensing which people will do what and when.

Girls like guys who have their sh** together, so when you meet someone you have to make some attempt to set the pace with that person. This goes for any relationship really, whether it's between partners or even just a platonic business relationship. If you seem wishy washy up front, wishy washy is all you'll get.

 

[DBryan]

hey dbryan how old are you?

27.

 

[Anita18]

I hadn't just met her, we'd known each other for months and spent a lot of time together, never in a romantic way though.

I told her lots of stuff, and we had an argument in which she turned a lot of it on me.

I haven't been on an actual, actual date in years.

My bfs have been too mature to do this (and I've been too mature to do it myself), but that's actually how a lot of couples typically fight.

Not saying that you're doomed to be in a relationship where that will happen to you because I'm proof of that, but it does happen fairly often. Or at least often enough that mainstream relationship advice columns say all the time that it shouldn't be the way that you argue with your partner.

Your only defense, aside from finding a very mature partner, will be knowing you can't take it personally, that the other person is just angry and wants to hurt you in that moment, it doesn't mean that it's true, etc etc.

I can't give out relationship advice when I'm so busy dealing with my own love life. My ex-fiancé (who I broke up with) still wants to be friends, which is quite hard considering we did love eachother, so naturally we still have feelings for one another. He's jealous and constantly wants to know what's going on in my life. He was and is very manipulative. And when he wouldn't get his way, he wore me down till he got it. That's ultimately why I ended it. His destructive flaws clouded our love. Everyone's told me that one can't be friends with their ex, but I want to prove them wrong... though he's making it difficult.

Since that disaster, though, I met a guy who is the complete opposite. He makes me very happy without trying. It has to get worse before it gets better, I suppose!

You can be friends with your ex. I'm not close with my first bf, but we were just at a mutual friend's wedding and got along like regular old friends and it was fine. It's been 7 years since we broke up though, and he's gotten married since then. I think you definitely need space to sort things out first.

If the guy has destructive flaws and is still controlling you, I don't think it's worth it to even keep him as a friend. I mean, you don't really have to be friends with him to buck the trend, it's your life.

 

[Bruce Banner]

I can't give out relationship advice when I'm so busy dealing with my own love life. My ex-fiancé (who I broke up with) still wants to be friends, which is quite hard considering we did love eachother, so naturally we still have feelings for one another. He's jealous and constantly wants to know what's going on in my life. He was and is very manipulative. And when he wouldn't get his way, he wore me down till he got it. That's ultimately why I ended it. His destructive flaws clouded our love. Everyone's told me that one can't be friends with their ex, but I want to prove them wrong... though he's making it difficult.

Since that disaster, though, I met a guy who is the complete opposite. He makes me very happy without trying. It has to get worse before it gets better, I suppose!

Long time no see Bamf, sorry things worked out for you the way they did. What I highlighted in your post. It is possible to be friends with your ex, but it depends of the the people involved. From what you described about him, it really isn't putting the odds in your favor for this being easy or healthy for you.

 

[Anita18]

27.

Dang, that's my age. You're too old to be feeling so down about yourself.

But it could be just me because EVERYONE thinks I'm 5 years older than I really am. Aside from S.A.A.D who thought I looked 40.

First of all why is the "last girl you opened" up to something from the past. You should be open with people in general. Having greater willingness to be open with people and saying what's on your mind is actually going to protect you more from people like her. Being an introvert isn't helping you one bit. Most nice girls with lives aren't going to expend the energy to get past that shell of yours, and those that will are probably all going to be like that last girl.

My bf is extremely introverted, but he is confident in himself. I think that's the difference. Introverted doesn't necessarily mean low self-esteem. I'm extremely introverted myself.

I realize some of this is counterintuitive. Honestly, the next girl you meet, in your shoes, I'd try to bring up sex. I think it would be illuminating for you. Don't assume just because someone is "nice" or a "girl next door" that you need to treat them as if they are twelve. Moreover, do this for yourself, just for the reaction because honestly I think you'll be surprised at the outcome. Don't just dump your feelings on them, it's bad practice. Don't just try to have conversations with them either, ask them out, then don't talk to them until you see them.

If any guy did that on the first or second date, I'd dump them because I'd think they were just a horndog and could be happy banging anyone at all, and they're just fishing for the first willing girl.

It's not necessarily true that rejections occur because you've been friend-zoned. It really depends on the context. Sometimes a girl just doesn't like you in that way and no amount of Don Juan-ing will change her mind.

Doesn't matter how you approach girls because every girl is different, you just gotta do it often enough and you'll eventually meet someone good for you.

 

[SpideyVille]

I ran into the girl that I used to like the other day. Normally, it would be something that I would think about for days, and it would keep me up at night wondering if maybe I should give it another shot because my old feelings would come back to me. But not this time. It's like every since I had that talk with her a couple of months ago and I let her know how I felt about how things turned out between us and how I finally stopped blaming myself for what happened, since I had nothing to blame myself for, I started to feel much better about myself.

I've been rejected so many times, but what she did was more than just a rejected for a relationship, but more of a personal rejected to who I was as a person so it hurt a lot more. But even though she tried to remain friends with me months later, I realized that even with all those rejections, I was still a really great guy worth knowing and I stopped looking down on myself and I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore since she was still being flaky whenever I wanted to hang out with her.

I think I've definitely been more confident lately and have made some new friends, and even though I feel like it would be easier to get into a relationship right now, I know that there's still some things I need to fix before trying so I'm okay with it and I'm learning to be happy by myself. Rejection always hurts and it always sucks, but sometimes you gotta realize that some rejections happen for a reason and you grow stronger because of them. When I saw this girl, I said hi while I passed by, but she seemed too shocked to respond, but I didn't stop to chat because I knew that that wasn't the level of where our friendship was anymore, so there was no point in trying to force something to happen. You just gotta learn who's worth dealing with and who's not.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

If any guy did that on the first or second date, I'd dump them because I'd think they were just a horndog and could be happy banging anyone at all, and they're just fishing for the first willing girl.

...but you wouldn't "friend zone" them, and that's kind of the point. You're kind of illustrating my point. My point isn't "oh this'll be successful", because I can't tell anyone what'll be successful since I won't know what person they'd hypothetically be talking to, but they will, in effect pushing through what is an awkward sticking point.

Also, I think you're confusing asking for sex with talking about sex. I'm talking about bringing up sex as a subject, and seeing how that person reacts. If I was talking to you and you responded by dumping me (which I'd find a tad extreme, sorry) I'd simply backpeddle a bit (if I felt you were worth the effort) and say something like "I'm sorry for bringing it up, I didn't realize that would be a offensive to you".

It's easier to beg forgiveness after all...

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I ran into the girl that I used to like the other day. Normally, it would be something that I would think about for days, and it would keep me up at night wondering if maybe I should give it another shot because my old feelings would come back to me. But not this time. It's like every since I had that talk with her a couple of months ago and I let her know how I felt about how things turned out between us and how I finally stopped blaming myself for what happened, since I had nothing to blame myself for, I started to feel much better about myself.

I've been rejected so many times, but what she did was more than just a rejected for a relationship, but more of a personal rejected to who I was as a person so it hurt a lot more. But even though she tried to remain friends with me months later, I realized that even with all those rejections, I was still a really great guy worth knowing and I stopped looking down on myself and I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore since she was still being flaky whenever I wanted to hang out with her.

I think I've definitely been more confident lately and have made some new friends, and even though I feel like it would be easier to get into a relationship right now, I know that there's still some things I need to fix before trying so I'm okay with it and I'm learning to be happy by myself. Rejection always hurts and it always sucks, but sometimes you gotta realize that some rejections happen for a reason and you grow stronger because of them. When I saw this girl, I said hi while I passed by, but she seemed too shocked to respond, but I didn't stop to chat because I knew that that wasn't the level of where our friendship was anymore, so there was no point in trying to force something to happen. You just gotta learn who's worth dealing with and who's not.

This is all great stuff right here.

 

[Anita18]

I think I've definitely been more confident lately and have made some new friends, and even though I feel like it would be easier to get into a relationship right now, I know that there's still some things I need to fix before trying so I'm okay with it and I'm learning to be happy by myself. Rejection always hurts and it always sucks, but sometimes you gotta realize that some rejections happen for a reason and you grow stronger because of them. When I saw this girl, I said hi while I passed by, but she seemed too shocked to respond, but I didn't stop to chat because I knew that that wasn't the level of where our friendship was anymore, so there was no point in trying to force something to happen. You just gotta learn who's worth dealing with and who's not.

That's good progress.

And honestly, you don't HAVE to fix yourself 100% to be in a relationship. Perfection is unattainable, and we could miss a lot of opportunities if we wait for it. A relationship happens when someone accepts you for your imperfection, while also inspiring you to grow.

...but you wouldn't "friend zone" them, and that's kind of the point.

But then the result is the same, is it not?

I dunno, if guys I knew went down that road, it would lead to one-night stands and not much else. You have to have a mix of both - show you're interested in them as a person but that you also want to take it to the next level. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

 

[Anita18]

Another story I have about approaching girls in your own way - my ex-bf is one of those uber-nice guys who's easy to walk over. I did it inadvertently when we dated because I was stupid and immature then, and the girl after me did it on purpose because she was manipulative. We have a mutual friend who's known him since high school and she noted that he's the kind of guy who never changes, ever.

He met his wife doing what he did all the time, but he just put himself into a different environment. He had just moved into a new city and was tired of unpacking and went to a Young Democrats meetup for kicks, and met the woman who soon became his wife. No change in approach, no trying out new things or trying to make himself appear different, just a different environment. We were worried that he'd get walked on again, but he seems to have hit the jackpot and found someone just as nice as he is.

So sometimes you get lucky, but luck won't find you unless you put yourself out there.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

Long time no see Bamf, sorry things worked out for you the way they did. What I highlighted in your post. It is possible to be friends with your ex, but it depends of the the people involved. From what you described about him, it really isn't putting the odds in your favor for this being easy or healthy for you.

You can be friends with your ex. I'm not close with my first bf, but we were just at a mutual friend's wedding and got along like regular old friends and it was fine. It's been 7 years since we broke up though, and he's gotten married since then. I think you definitely need space to sort things out first.

If the guy has destructive flaws and is still controlling you, I don't think it's worth it to even keep him as a friend. I mean, you don't really have to be friends with him to buck the trend, it's your life.

Thanks very much for the input, guys! I do agree with most of what you both have had to say. I ended the friendship a couple days ago because he wasn't respecting the limitations I had set on what we could or could not talk about. I felt like it'd be easy to do if you just cut some parts of what was the loving relationship out so you can become good friends. But that's not the case... he continued prying about my personal life and was incredibly damaged by the break-up and that showed. So I told him we needed a break as friends. It wasn't too long before I returned. I think me cutting him out of my life completely made him realize that he needs to respect my personal space, because when we have talked recently, he seems pretty mindful of it. I guess I'll just have to see if he can maintain those boundaries.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

But then the result is the same, is it not?

Absolutely not. I'm really not intimidated by the fact that you could reject me, although maybe that's what is different about me. You're illustrating exactly what's wrong with nice guys: they fear rejection. At least with this outcome I'm not left spinning my wheels trying to get somewhere I'm not asking to go.

I dunno, if guys I knew went down that road, it would lead to one-night stands and not much else.

You're falsely assuming I said to do this to all women for some reason. I also think girls kind of say this when it isn't true. Again, I didn't say "ask for sex" I said "bring up sex". Those are two entirely different things. I bring up sex as a way to gauge comfort levels about the topic. How else am I suppose to know? Wait for someone to tell me? There are certain girls I'll wait for, but I'm also not going to act like I don't think about it either.

You have to have a mix of both - show you're interested in them as a person but that you also want to take it to the next level. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

That essentially sums up my entire last post.

 

[SpideyVille]

That's good progress.

And honestly, you don't HAVE to fix yourself 100% to be in a relationship. Perfection is unattainable, and we could miss a lot of opportunities if we wait for it. A relationship happens when someone accepts you for your imperfection, while also inspiring you to grow.

Yeah, I just wish I could've known all this stuff when I was younger. I feel like I wasted so much time being down about nothing.

But yeah, that was one of the problems I had because of this girl. She made me feel like the worst guy in the world, so I started to look at myself like that and I ended up staying away from everybody and I lost so many friends because of that. But now, I know I'm a great guy and people would enjoy having me around, but in terms of a relationship, I don't think I'd make a great boyfriend since I've realized that I barely know how to be a good friend. I've never really been a social person and I think I've always had problems feeling close to someone and knowing that the feeling was mutual. Like normally I'm just friends with someone at school and maybe we'll talk online or text eaach other, but rarely do I ever go out with people since the opportunity just never seems to be there and since I sort of prefer being alone when I'm not in school.

So I know there's still a lot that I need to learn just on a basic level of dealing with people. But with a relationship, its also physical and I've mentioned how I never even think about kissing or having sex since I'm more focused on just trying to talk or hold hands with a girl. Like a friend of mine just gave me a hug the other day when she said goodbye and I thought it was nice because it shows that our friendship is improving and that she is starting to trust me more. Plus, she's not really one of those people that goes around hugging everybody.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

That's good progress.

And honestly, you don't HAVE to fix yourself 100% to be in a relationship. Perfection is unattainable, and we could miss a lot of opportunities if we wait for it. A relationship happens when someone accepts you for your imperfection, while also inspiring you to grow.

My advice is usually a little more extreme than this, lol. My roommate is insanely uptight, and I get the impression this is a turn off to girls. I silently chuckle at him as he'll try to get all dressed up to get out to the clubs of something, and I'll roll up in whatever the heck I was wearing that day t:.

I think people need to dress and behave in a way that makes them comfortable, even if it's offensive to someone else. I don't appreciate all the false advertising my roommate seems to do. I'm never wearing an Affliction shirt, but I will wear my Kermit the Frog shirtt:. If I don't dress that way or act that way for 90% of the day I'm not changing simply because a girl is around.

I found when I was a 'nice guy' or when I meet other 'nice guys' they come off as people pleasers. The irony being if you trying to be Prince Charming or Commander Perfect I find you actually diminish your chances. Sure, maybe I'd scare you off acting the way I want to act, but the girl I do attract will actually like me for me. Every girl is different, every girl wants something different, and I'm really not out to please all of them.

 

[Anita18]

But now, I know I'm a great guy and people would enjoy having me around, but in terms of a relationship, I don't think I'd make a great boyfriend since I've realized that I barely know how to be a good friend. I've never really been a social person and I think I've always had problems feeling close to someone and knowing that the feeling was mutual. Like normally I'm just friends with someone at school and maybe we'll talk online or text eaach other, but rarely do I ever go out with people since the opportunity just never seems to be there and since I sort of prefer being alone when I'm not in school.

So I know there's still a lot that I need to learn just on a basic level of dealing with people.

I dunno, I think it's a lot simpler than you think it is. Just treat people the way you'd like to be treated. I'm an extreme introvert and I think I can deal with people just fine. I'm shy but on the whole people don't hate me. My mom's the same way, I think I learned from her. She doesn't mind being social and she's a good negotiator, but she much prefers being alone most of the time.

My advice is usually a little more extreme than this, lol. My roommate is insanely uptight, and I get the impression this is a turn off to girls. I silently chuckle at him as he'll try to get all dressed up to get out to the clubs of something, and I'll roll up in whatever the heck I was wearing that day t:.

I think people need to dress and behave in a way that makes them comfortable, even if it's offensive to someone else. I don't appreciate all the false advertising my roommate seems to do. I'm never wearing an Affliction shirt, but I will wear my Kermit the Frog shirtt:. If I don't dress that way or act that way for 90% of the day I'm not changing simply because a girl is around.

I found when I was a 'nice guy' or when I meet other 'nice guys' they come off as people pleasers. The irony being if you trying to be Prince Charming or Commander Perfect I find you actually diminish your chances. Sure, maybe I'd scare you off acting the way I want to act, but the girl I do attract will actually like me for me. Every girl is different, every girl wants something different, and I'm really not out to please all of them.

Oh, that's true too. The stupid thing is to do what you think other people will like, because everyone likes different things!

I just heard from a poster on another forum that she starved herself for weeks to be thin for a blind date, and then she got rejected because the guy didn't like super-skinny girls. Might as well be yourself.

 

[SpideyVille]

I dunno, I think it's a lot simpler than you think it is. Just treat people the way you'd like to be treated. I'm an extreme introvert and I think I can deal with people just fine. I'm shy but on the whole people don't hate me. My mom's the same way, I think I learned from her. She doesn't mind being social and she's a good negotiator, but she much prefers being alone most of the time.

Well yeah it's really not all that hard, but I think its just because I'm not used to being considerate towards knowing what others want. I can be pretty selfish at times, but only because I'm used to being on my own and only having to worry about what I want. Like I told my friend about how I went to Comic Con and she asked why didn't I invite her. Same thing with another friend of mine who asked why I didn't invite her to a school play a few weeks ago. In both cases, I didn't think they'd be interested in so I didn't think to ask them. But at the same time, since I usually don't like going to certain places alone, I was only thinking about who I wanted to go with as opposed to who I could've gone with.

Like I'm not one of those people who always becomes a burden on others because I rarely ask for favors or anything. But at the same time, I don't usually go and offer things to people either.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Oh, that's true too. The stupid thing is to do what you think other people will like, because everyone likes different things!

I just heard from a poster on another forum that she starved herself for weeks to be thin for a blind date, and then she got rejected because the guy didn't like super-skinny girls. Might as well be yourself.

I think this factors into another misconception "nice guys" or "nice girls" have that certain things are cool and that couples almost have like unwritten caste systems. Nerds with nerds or jocks with cheerleaders for example. Lots of people imagine the world like that.

I find people get together for all sorts of dumb reasons really. There really isn't a barrier which prevents a nerd from hooking up with some rich super model. In fact those hook ups are generally hilarious and frequent .

So the irony is by trying to mimic one clique you falsely assume those people your imitating are putting on an act when they aren't. I'm no act and no one can really act like me. In fact I'm sure some of my advice only works because I myself can pull it off. I work with a different deck of cards.

It's important to play towards your strength and I think it's unhealthy to bullsh** ...all the time. So I don't recommend buying some purple pimp hat and reading the Game so you can become a PUA. That's hilariously stupid.

 

[Anita18]

Well yeah it's really not all that hard, but I think its just because I'm not used to being considerate towards knowing what others want. I can be pretty selfish at times, but only because I'm used to being on my own and only having to worry about what I want. Like I told my friend about how I went to Comic Con and she asked why didn't I invite her. Same thing with another friend of mine who asked why I didn't invite her to a school play a few weeks ago. In both cases, I didn't think they'd be interested in so I didn't think to ask them. But at the same time, since I usually don't like going to certain places alone, I was only thinking about who I wanted to go with as opposed to who I could've gone with.

Like I'm not one of those people who always becomes a burden on others because I rarely ask for favors or anything. But at the same time, I don't usually go and offer things to people either.

Are you an only child? I was the older sister and of course I was expected to make sure all the other kids (my sister, my cousins) were taken care of when we were all together. But I don't invite people to things willy-nilly, but I also tend to be good at figuring out what other people like. My Christmas presents are always creative and spot-on.

My bf is an only child and he has a harder time figuring out other people. He's a little on the paranoid side all the time, and has a hard time feeling comfortable in social situations. I mean, being an only child is fine if you have a large extended family with kids, but for my bf, it was only his parents and his grandparents.

It also could be part of my personality. I LOVE being helpful, and at times I think I go overboard with it.

 

[SpideyVille]

Are you an only child? I was the older sister and of course I was expected to make sure all the other kids (my sister, my cousins) were taken care of when we were all together. But I don't invite people to things willy-nilly, but I also tend to be good at figuring out what other people like. My Christmas presents are always creative and spot-on.

My bf is an only child and he has a harder time figuring out other people. He's a little on the paranoid side all the time, and has a hard time feeling comfortable in social situations. I mean, being an only child is fine if you have a large extended family with kids, but for my bf, it was only his parents and his grandparents.

It also could be part of my personality. I LOVE being helpful, and at times I think I go overboard with it.

I'm the youngest, but I pretty much felt like an only child. By the time I turned 12 and was able to understand things better about myself, my sister had already left to join the Marines and my brother had already started to spend more time with his gf since they had just had their first kid together. So it was pretty much just me and my mom and she was so strict and put a lot of fear in me as a child that I wasn't really allowed to have a social life. But instead of becoming rebellious like most people do, I just accepted it and went with it, which might be while I feel like I'm an old man since I spent so many years stuck at my stepdad's house, bored and wanting to die because that's how they lived together. I really feel like those teenage years were wasted because I wasn't really allowed to do anything and I wasn't prepared for life on my own, so I'm struggling to learn so many things now on my own.

But I remember those years that I spent involved in a church really helped me since I got to travel and meet new people there. But even then, my pastor spoke to me and said he noticed how even though I liked to help out, I usually just sit there and wait until someone tells me what to do. I think I still have that problem because its like I won't do anything until I'm told, and when it comes to relationships, the guy is supposed to be able to make decisions on what to do or where to go without relying on the girl to blatantly tell him. So I've been trying to learn how to be more decisive and commanding, otherwise I look like I'm just a follower and not a leader.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Hmmm…. First time hanging out in the SHH community area. Why, we have a relationship advice thread?

What do you folks want to know?

Many of you will hate (and I do mean HATE) my answers. In practice you will find them to be truth.

I’m better at giving advice to men than women, as obviously my experience comes from a male experience. Weather it be relationship, dating in general, or selecting a girl to have a relationship with.

Ask and learn. I'm here to help.

 

[Anita18]

I'm the youngest, but I pretty much felt like an only child. By the time I turned 12 and was able to understand things better about myself, my sister had already left to join the Marines and my brother had already started to spend more time with his gf since they had just had their first kid together. So it was pretty much just me and my mom and she was so strict and put a lot of fear in me as a child that I wasn't really allowed to have a social life. But instead of becoming rebellious like most people do, I just accepted it and went with it, which might be while I feel like I'm an old man since I spent so many years stuck at my stepdad's house, bored and wanting to die because that's how they lived together. I really feel like those teenage years were wasted because I wasn't really allowed to do anything and I wasn't prepared for life on my own, so I'm struggling to learn so many things now on my own.

Yeah that kind of sounds like my bf, except he was a little rebellious toward his helicopter mom. But he tended toward people who were like him (skateboarders in middle/HS, programmers in college), not really going outside his comfort zone. Whereas I find it interesting listening to other people's stories. I think that gives you real insight as to how people think.

But I remember those years that I spent involved in a church really helped me since I got to travel and meet new people there. But even then, my pastor spoke to me and said he noticed how even though I liked to help out, I usually just sit there and wait until someone tells me what to do. I think I still have that problem because its like I won't do anything until I'm told, and when it comes to relationships, the guy is supposed to be able to make decisions on what to do or where to go without relying on the girl to blatantly tell him. So I've been trying to learn how to be more decisive and commanding, otherwise I look like I'm just a follower and not a leader.

Well, you could end up with a girl who takes charge and tells you what to do all the time, but there's a fine line between decisive and being controlling. So at the very least, you have to be able to express what you want.

That habit could be detrimental to your work life as well. If you're the kind who always has to be told what to do, you'll only be a minion and never move up to be a manager or the leader. That's fine if you don't want to do that, but minions don't get paid very much. Even if you don't want to be a CEO, people are SUPER impressed if you're able to go above and beyond, or even bring up things that weren't originally suggested.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I think this factors into another misconception "nice guys" or "nice girls" have that certain things are cool and that couples almost have like unwritten caste systems. Nerds with nerds or jocks with cheerleaders for example. Lots of people imagine the world like that.

I find people get together for all sorts of dumb reasons really. There really isn't a barrier which prevents a nerd from hooking up with some rich super model. In fact those hook ups are generally hilarious and frequent .

So the irony is by trying to mimic one clique you falsely assume those people your imitating are putting on an act when they aren't. I'm no act and no one can really act like me. In fact I'm sure some of my advice only works because I myself can pull it off. I work with a different deck of cards.

It's important to play towards your strength and I think it's unhealthy to bullsh** ...all the time. So I don't recommend buying some purple pimp hat and reading the Game so you can become a PUA. That's hilariously stupid.

Nice guys DO finish last. I do prefer nice girls however.

I define "nice guy" as "approval seeking" behavior, in terms of dating.
Peacocking like wearing purple hats and the like is ridiculous too.
It looks too "try hard" for my taste.

For guys who have no skill with women, finding where to start learning can be hard, but to put it simply they should never do anything that looks like they are trying too hard. The more out of the way they go to please the girl, the more it looks like they are seeking her approval.

Instead allowing her to seek your approval works much better. That is a common ground that crosses all cliques, and why you may see a "nerd" who is dating a hot female "jock" as a girlfriend, or just FwB.

While this guy may be a nerd, with nerd interests, but when it comes to dealing with a women he is decisive, confident, and has a good sense of humor (as in he teases her). He by action, not bragging, clearly displays that he is not seeking her approval, but is in fact expecting her to impress him.

Women love a challenge, and no women wants to mate with a suck up "yes man" who she feels is capitulating to her every whim or demand.
She may verbally "say" that she is looking for such a man, but that is not what the raw emotional instinctive side of her brain is telling her.
Clique mimic is the worst thing to do, because it is putting up an act, which looks "try way too hard."

There are certain skills all men should learn in dealing with women and none of it is confined to a specific social group or hobby.

Trouble is this information is not easy to come by for men. They really need to go out and seek it, and yes is can cause them to read books such as ‘the game’ or ‘bang’, or general PAU advice, which honestly is better than any and all the "love" and "dating advice" columns men typically read leading them to even worse groveling and approval seeking behavior. There are websites like "chateau heartiste" (formerly roissy) if you want to read about some stone cold and hard truths, that one at least offers relationship advice and is not merely about getting laid, and expands the concept of "game" into more than just getting sex, but rather a concept for a total of skill in dealing with women. Not exactly geared to becoming a PAU.

Finding real information of these skills may seem like a silly thing to do on the surface, but in reality it can be very beneficial. It should rather be looked at about evening the playing field a bit as women have a TON of magazines, books, and even TV shows showing them how to be more attractive to men.

For men, there is a lot less out there, and likely it is a result of a niche market. Most guys feel they have nothing to learn "girls only want money, or muscles or etc… blah blah blah…" and they resort to tactics like "I’m jus gonna call my ex-gf and beg her to take me back".

Or "I'm gonna put on a purple hat and act like a pimp cuz chicks like pips"

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I'm the youngest, but I pretty much felt like an only child. By the time I turned 12 and was able to understand things better about myself, my sister had already left to join the Marines and my brother had already started to spend more time with his gf since they had just had their first kid together. So it was pretty much just me and my mom and she was so strict and put a lot of fear in me as a child that I wasn't really allowed to have a social life. But instead of becoming rebellious like most people do, I just accepted it and went with it, which might be while I feel like I'm an old man since I spent so many years stuck at my stepdad's house, bored and wanting to die because that's how they lived together. I really feel like those teenage years were wasted because I wasn't really allowed to do anything and I wasn't prepared for life on my own, so I'm struggling to learn so many things now on my own.

But I remember those years that I spent involved in a church really helped me since I got to travel and meet new people there. But even then, my pastor spoke to me and said he noticed how even though I liked to help out, I usually just sit there and wait until someone tells me what to do. I think I still have that problem because its like I won't do anything until I'm told, and when it comes to relationships, the guy is supposed to be able to make decisions on what to do or where to go without relying on the girl to blatantly tell him. So I've been trying to learn how to be more decisive and commanding, otherwise I look like I'm just a follower and not a leader.

VERY good.

I also suggest avoiding relationships until you have your leadership skills down. Otherwise you will get stuck with a girl who bosses you around. Nothing worse than that. They will belittle you.

You don't want to get sucked into a situation where she is your boss because you are afraid of losing her, as you feel you don't have other options, and the next thing you know the sweet honey you thought you had is filled with angry bees.

In fact, it is dangerous to advertise to women you are looking for a relationship because it screams desperate sucker. Remember there IS such a thing as the female equivilent to the *****bag, and they like nothing more than to use you as a walking ATM machine.