Revenge of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[amazingfantasy15]

Yeah, I have no delusions that his mind will be changed. I let go of that a long time ago. And I make a point not to trash talk her in his presence. These days, I try to offer advice on how to improve his marriage (when it’s asked for), but he’s so spineless its staggering sometimes. Love the guy, but that’s his biggest character flaw.

I think all of us handle the issue differently – one of us is very much the aggressor – he’ll put the wife in her place when it calls for it, and is quite willing to call her out. I on the other hand try to be more subtle…the “good cop” if you will. I play nice with her and offer counsel to my friend. All in all, we try to be supportive of his marriage, but it’s very hard to be supportive when you’re dealing with someone who is so far removed from reality and human decency. She once told one of our friends to stop giving him advice because she noticed he was "starting to stand up for himself a little more". She acted like she was telling us to stop pooping on her lawn.

Another example: each year, we all take a 5 day trip to the mountains. It’s been going on for about 8 years now. Same month, same cabin, etc. Its our way of making sure we keep in contact since a lot of us have moved to different states. It’s a pretty big deal for us. The day before the trip, they got into a fight. She told him he wasn’t allowed to go because she wanted him to clean the house since her parents were coming to visit (he’s the only one that cleans. EVER.). He told her no, that this had been planned for weeks, and that she could clean the house for once. Her response to that reasonable logic was to punch him in the face.

She makes jokes about that with people now.

Sucks, but this friend is pretty much lost to you. Unless someday he wakes up and grows some balls. It does happen, my sister was dating a complete @$$ and he got away with some awful behavior. However, he went a little too far, taking a job in a new city without telling my sister, but expecting her to drop everything and move with him. That and spending Thanksgiving at our families house sleeping on the house was the last straw and she's finally decided to dump him. It's something we've been pushing her to do for a long time now, but the person has to get there on their own.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Spider-Who, is your friend suffering from the Cameron Frye syndrome?

What's that?

 

[AndThePickles]

There unfortunately isn't anything that you can do - it's his bad choices and life. All I can suggest is that the next time he asks for advice, don't give any. If he wants to know why, you can tell him that it's been blatantly ignored in the past. Maybe that will make him take notice.

 

[Erzengel]

What's that?

From Ferris Bueller's Day Off,

Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like s', because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.

 

[Spider-Who?]

From Ferris Bueller's Day Off,

Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like s', because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.

Wow, can't believe I didn't catch your reference. I would say no. He's a good looking dude and never had any problems getting girls, whether for long or short term relationships, which makes the situation even more frustrating since there's no question he could do better.

He does completely kiss her ass though. Waits on her hand and foot. She's gained 60 pounds since they started dating, and by her own admission, its because she quite literally doesn't have to do a damn thing - she just tells him to do it.

 

[Erzengel]

How can I say this gently? Does her woman parts, grant wishes or something?

 

[Spider-Who?]

How can I say this gently? Does her woman parts, grant wishes or something?

Ha. Let's just say the issues don't stop in the bedroom. At all.

There really isn't an conceivable reason that anyone would be with her. And I don't say that to be mean. I don't even think my buddy could name any reason other than his generic "she's made me a better person" line, which is (obviously) BS. He has not changed at all, at least in a positive light, thanks to her.

 

[Hound55]

Let my Cameron go...

 

[steintym]

I had a very similar situation as Spidey-Who, although your friends wife seems to be on another level of evil. Unfortunately, there really isn't a lot that can be done.

We made our feelings known to our buddy, but let him live his own life. We'd just go out without our friend, have a few beers and talk **** about his wife. It accomplished nothing, but made us feel a little better and gave us some laughs.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Seriously? 60 lbs?!? Good lord! That'd make a starving child fat!

Yeah, I really don't know what to tell you, sounds like a bad situation.

So she's bad in bed, a total a**clown, abusive, and he's good looking, decent with women, and should've finished college...well, damn, that just sucks.

 

[Spider-Who?]

I had a very similar situation as Spidey-Who, although your friends wife seems to be on another level of evil. Unfortunately, there really isn't a lot that can be done.

We made our feelings known to our buddy, but let him live his own life. We'd just go out without our friend, have a few beers and talk **** about his wife. It accomplished nothing, but made us feel a little better and gave us some laughs.

Yeah, that’s pretty much the state of things these days.

One last gripe about this person:

I remember when they were engaged, he told me that she (surprisingly) suggested that they should go to marriage counseling before the wedding. He had told her he didn’t like the idea. When I asked him why, he (being an atheist) said that he wasn’t comfortable going to some religious person for counseling. I laughed and told him that there are secular counselors, too. With that realization, he went back to her and said he changed his mind. Instead of being happy that he now agreed with her, she flipped out screaming things like:

“YOU TELL ME NO, BUT YOU SAY YES WHEN YOUR STUPID FRIEND SAYS ITS GOOD?!”
“WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP?! YOU DON’T THINK WE’RE GOOD TOGETHER?!”
“IF YOU THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG, THEN I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!”

She “threatened” to leave him and kicked him out of HIS house for two days.

I know things will never change. And he won’t break up with her (“she’ll have to leave me before I leave her”). The only thing to do is to figure out how to handle the situation to keep my friend and keep her from coming between us all, which is starting to happen.

 

[Erzengel]

I wouldn't go out of my way to not include your friend but I like I said earlier, the decision seems to be that it's already on it's way. You can invite your friend out and if he doesn't go, he doesn't go. Or if he brings her, I wouldn't go out of my way to be rude, but I also wouldn't let her pull her s't in front of me.

You may have to let him go and hopefully if he "loses" his friends he will realize the situation he's in and then try and get out.

 

[JStorm]

More of a consensus questions, rather than a dilemma or "situation:"

When is it ok to deem a relationship a relationship on Facebook, if ever? I have my issues, that's another story. But the girl I am seeing - hung out for a month, then made official on Halloween - tagged me as boyfriend on Facebook the other day. I didn't deny her, just sent a text and told her we needed to talk about it. Simply - I am just not a fan of the whole 'status thing.'

At first she acted out, as if it was a "make or break" thing. But once I spoke with her, explained we just started dating, and that I'm not a fan of cyber-annoucing my new status. . . I even hate the whole "let me tell the world how much I hate my 'fill in the bank' update" status.

She was cool about it, everything is fine. But it got me thinking. I'm I the only one? Is it the thing to do these days - update status the moment one's relationship changes? Or was I correct .. it's just Facebook. . who gives a **** about status changes, etc?

 

[Anubis]

This is the world we live in. Deal with it.......or don't have a facebook account at all....like me.

 

[Erzengel]

If you're a private person, you're a private person. Not everyone is into facebook statuses and announcing stuff.

Maybe you overreacted with the whole, we need to talk especially using a text. You probably should just told her next time you talked to her. "I'm not really comfortable......etc."

 

[Spider-Who?]

I would say that this particular issue seems odd to me. If you’re dating, your dating, and if there is no reasonable excuse the relationship shouldn’t be made public, then I really don’t see the issue with her saying so on facebook. What does it hurt? If you’ve got a thing with privacy, then why do you have a facebook page?

She’s excited and wants people to know that she’s dating you. Most people would either think nothing of it, or if they’re extremely sentimental, would be happy that she wants to make it public. Think of it this way, how would you feel if she were to say “Hey, I’m not going to introduce you to family and friends as my boyfriend, and I don’t want you to say that I’m you’re girlfriend.” Doesn’t that sound like there’s something wrong? That she either is uncomfortable with the relationship, or is hiding something?

Yes, it’s “just facebook”, and some people put too much meaning/importance into the site, but I think her initial reaction to your comment is completely reasonable.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

More of a consensus questions, rather than a dilemma or "situation:"

When is it ok to deem a relationship a relationship on Facebook, if ever? I have my issues, that's another story. But the girl I am seeing - hung out for a month, then made official on Halloween - tagged me as boyfriend on Facebook the other day. I didn't deny her, just sent a text and told her we needed to talk about it. Simply - I am just not a fan of the whole 'status thing.'

At first she acted out, as if it was a "make or break" thing. But once I spoke with her, explained we just started dating, and that I'm not a fan of cyber-annoucing my new status. . . I even hate the whole "let me tell the world how much I hate my 'fill in the bank' update" status.

She was cool about it, everything is fine. But it got me thinking. I'm I the only one? Is it the thing to do these days - update status the moment one's relationship changes? Or was I correct .. it's just Facebook. . who gives a **** about status changes, etc?

I don't think it's a big deal, especially if you've already had "the talk", she's probably excited to "tell the world" about you and this is the way in the modern world. It's different for everyone, my girlfriend and I made it Facebook official months after we had "the talk", we were just hanging out at her apartment and her roommate was asking why it wasn't on Facebook. We both just didn't feel it was too important and didn't care too much, but did put it on Facebook that night.

If it's important to her, why not just make it Facebook official.

 

[JStorm]

If you're a private person, you're a private person. Not everyone is into facebook statuses and announcing stuff.

Maybe you overreacted with the whole, we need to talk especially using a text. You probably should just told her next time you talked to her. "I'm not really comfortable......etc."

Overreacting understood - we even spoke of that on both our accounts.

My concern is what most would think, a la the post above yours - "then don't have a Facebook account."

I use Facebook to stay in touch with family/friends, not rave about the new sweater I got, or how much I hate my job.

My Facebook consists of funny pictures, movie updates, etc. Yes - I understand those types are just as similar as "OMG I love my children." And I deal with those and move on - no big deal.

I just feel like it's a norm that is pushed upon us.

"Oh - you're in a relationship. . change your status!!"

I told her I didn't see real issue with doing so, if we are still dating three-five months in. Just seems silly and childish to update after three weeks of dating.

Meh - no big deal - I can see all sides and respect said ideas. Bottom line she is cool with it. All-in-all, she just said it hurt her pride, yet understanding it was HER assumption.

 

[JStorm]

I would say that this particular issue seems odd to me. If you’re dating, your dating, and if there is no reasonable excuse the relationship shouldn’t be made public, then I really don’t see the issue with her saying so on facebook. What does it hurt? If you’ve got a thing with privacy, then why do you have a facebook page?

She’s excited and wants people to know that she’s dating you. Most people would either think nothing of it, or if they’re extremely sentimental, would be happy that she wants to make it public. Think of it this way, how would you feel if she were to say “Hey, I’m not going to introduce you to family and friends as my boyfriend, and I don’t want you to say that I’m you’re girlfriend.” Doesn’t that sound like there’s something wrong? That she either is uncomfortable with the relationship, or is hiding something?

Yes, it’s “just facebook”, and some people put too much meaning/importance into the site, but I think her initial reaction to your comment is completely reasonable.

I get your point, and maybe I should delete. Out of the x amount of friends, I keep in touch with a fraction.

It's just grown into this beast, in which I don't want to take part, yet enjoy keeping up with close friends and family. I'm a walking contradiction when it comes to this - I know. I wonder myself why I'm friends with that one guy from second grade that I haven't seen in twenty years - or spoken to.



Eh - no big deal - and I appreciate you guys keeping **** real, and not mocking my question. I kinda went through each one of your statements in my head, before we spoke.. . . as did she.

 

[Anubis]

Is she cool with it, or did she just say she's cool with it? Cuz you know, women do that.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I don't really like Facebook for that reason.

 

[Erzengel]

C'mon Facebook's main function is to pick up teenage girls with low self esteem and issues with their fathers.

 

[Anubis]

I thought it was for banging chicks you used to have crushes on in high school who now, after two or three kids, will take on all comers.

 

[Erzengel]

To each it's own.

 

[steintym]

I've never really gotten the Facebook thing ... I am old, though.