Revenge of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[steintym]

I thought it was for banging chicks you used to have crushes on in high school who now, after two or three kids, will take on all comers.

Hmmm ... Maybe I need to rethink this Facebook thing.

 

[steintym]

I thought it was for banging chicks you used to have crushes on in high school who now, after two or three kids, will take on all comers.

Hmmm ... Maybe I need to rethink this Facebook thing.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I get your point, and maybe I should delete. Out of the x amount of friends, I keep in touch with a fraction.

It's just grown into this beast, in which I don't want to take part, yet enjoy keeping up with close friends and family. I'm a walking contradiction when it comes to this - I know. I wonder myself why I'm friends with that one guy from second grade that I haven't seen in twenty years - or spoken to.

Eh - no big deal - and I appreciate you guys keeping **** real, and not mocking my question. I kinda went through each one of your statements in my head, before we spoke.. . . as did she.

I think it's odd that you'd rather delete your Facebook account rather than post on Facebook you're in a relationship.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Another example: each year, we all take a 5 day trip to the mountains. It’s been going on for about 8 years now. Same month, same cabin, etc. Its our way of making sure we keep in contact since a lot of us have moved to different states. It’s a pretty big deal for us. The day before the trip, they got into a fight. She told him he wasn’t allowed to go because she wanted him to clean the house since her parents were coming to visit (he’s the only one that cleans. EVER.). He told her no, that this had been planned for weeks, and that she could clean the house for once. Her response to that reasonable logic was to punch him in the face.

She makes jokes about that with people now.

Sorry, that's where I draw the line. I know this is gonna being down a storm of hate on me, but I'm gonna say it. If a woman punches me, she's getting punched right back. If she wants to fight like a man, then she deserves to get hit like a man.

You know, a lot of my friends are probably on Facebook. I'm just not that interested in being on there, mainly because I know my X wife and her husband are. The less contact I have with them, the better.

C'mon Facebook's main function is to pick up teenage girls with low self esteem and issues with their fathers.

Maybe I need to rethink this Facebook thing, then....

 

[JStorm]

I think it's odd that you'd rather delete your Facebook account rather than post on Facebook you're in a relationship.

Oh - no, no. I was referring to the notion of not using Facebook to the potential that is was created, hence delete because I pretty much never use.

I would not delete because Heather wanted to be Facebook dating. Sorry if I misled.




And to whomever asked - yes, she was actually cool with it.

 

[Anita18]

Another example: each year, we all take a 5 day trip to the mountains. It’s been going on for about 8 years now. Same month, same cabin, etc. Its our way of making sure we keep in contact since a lot of us have moved to different states. It’s a pretty big deal for us. The day before the trip, they got into a fight. She told him he wasn’t allowed to go because she wanted him to clean the house since her parents were coming to visit (he’s the only one that cleans. EVER.). He told her no, that this had been planned for weeks, and that she could clean the house for once. Her response to that reasonable logic was to punch him in the face.

She makes jokes about that with people now.

Wow, and people that hear that joke think that's acceptable?

Sorry dude, your friend is too far gone. I have nothing to say. This is an abusive relationship, full-stop. People don't think guys can be abused, but this is a prime example. Maybe she won't be able to put him in the hospital (at least, not until she gets hold of a knife or a gun), but the psychological signs are ALL there, 100%.

Sad, but just like the advice that's given to women in abusive relationships, the only way you'll get your friend back is if he finally decides that enough is enough. And pray that she isn't so loony that she comes after him later.

Come to think of it, maybe he's staying because he's afraid of what might happen if he leaves her.

How can I say this gently? Does her woman parts, grant wishes or something?

Seriously! I have single girl friends who are super-nice and not bad on the eyes (none of them have anywhere near 60 lbs to lose ) and they don't get guys, and trash like that bags a good-looking one who's willing to be her slave?

More of a consensus questions, rather than a dilemma or "situation:"

When is it ok to deem a relationship a relationship on Facebook, if ever? I have my issues, that's another story. But the girl I am seeing - hung out for a month, then made official on Halloween - tagged me as boyfriend on Facebook the other day. I didn't deny her, just sent a text and told her we needed to talk about it. Simply - I am just not a fan of the whole 'status thing.'

At first she acted out, as if it was a "make or break" thing. But once I spoke with her, explained we just started dating, and that I'm not a fan of cyber-annoucing my new status. . . I even hate the whole "let me tell the world how much I hate my 'fill in the bank' update" status.

She was cool about it, everything is fine. But it got me thinking. I'm I the only one? Is it the thing to do these days - update status the moment one's relationship changes? Or was I correct .. it's just Facebook. . who gives a **** about status changes, etc?

I finally updated my relationship status after my bf stayed over a few times. I think then it'd be official.

But if you're official in real life, why wouldn't be official on Facebook? -shrug-

To each their own though. My coworker never posted his relationship status, which made it a lot less awkward for everyone when he broke up with his longtime gf, who's still his Facebook friend. Nobody was mourning anything because there was no change. My own bf only posted on Facebook sporadically and I never named him when I changed my relationship status. He actually deactivated his account not too long ago, but he wasn't using it for anything.

 

[Schlosser85]

Most of my friends don't post their relationships on Facebook A) because they don't feel it's anyone's business, and B) so they don't look promiscuous when they dump one person and hook up with another in rapid succession.

 

[Anita18]

Most of my friends don't post their relationships on Facebook A) because they don't feel it's anyone's business, and B) so they don't look promiscuous when they dump one person and hook up with another in rapid succession.

That's another reason, I suppose. I just had three Fb friends change their relationship status to "engaged" without having it posted before. But being engaged is kind of a big deal.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I’m sure this isn’t a typical question for this thread, but it’s in the same boat house, so I figure I’d bring it up here.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the bad husband/wives of friends? A good buddy got married recently to a horrible person. All throughout their relationship prior to marriage, we dealt with hearing how much trouble she causes, and seeing it for ourselves and even being the recipients of her trash. She’s selfish, immature, unsupportive of his dreams and interests (constantly tells him to shut up when he talks about it), incredibly controlling, and downright mean. For an example, she REFUSED to let him go to college because it was “too expensive” (she has a degree, mind you). And they had been dating for TWO MONTHS. He’s now in his mid 20s and has no formal education, and she yells at him constantly for not having a high enough paying job.

We all tried to talk him out of marrying her (naturally), but even with his acknowledgment that things were so bad, he refused to make the right decision, trying to convince himself that he owes it to her to stay with her ("she made me a 'better person'"). After their wedding, she has only gotten worse, to the point where we’re losing our friend because A) we can’t stand being around her and B) she only lets him do things if she’s with him, and she never wants to leave the house unless it’s to go drinking with her friends.

None of our other friends – we’ve been an extremely close-knit group for upwards of 15 years – know exactly what to do with the situation. I try to live with the idea that I need to accept my friend’s wife and that bringing anything up to him would create problems between us, but at the same time, I hate seeing him (and us) be mistreated so much, and more so to see him make excuses for how he’s being mistreated. We stand up for ourselves and him when we see things happen, but it doesn't change anything. I’m starting to feel like it’s either swallow all my justified hate for this woman, or lose a friend. I don’t want to do either.

Its like having a friend who has become a hard drug addict. I don't know for sure if you can help him. I rather doubt it. He has likely told himself hundreds of times that he is "doing the right thing".

If you cannot save him from this, then at the least learn from his mistake and do not make it yourself.

He should not be putting up with such abuse, but I see this all the time.
This is what Pre-nups are for.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot always make him drink. There is plenty of information out there that could help him a great deal, but if he is too self righteous to look at it, then all you can do is simply not make the same mistakes.

What you describe is what I call the curse of the Beta male, it is to be perpetually abused.

Simply that men who act spineless, and are afraid of losing the girl will do anything to please her. She controls him with his fear of loss.

In the end, because of this he will lose everything else first, then even her when she divorces him/cheats on him.

Not that he will take such advice, but if anyone else is reading this and finds themselves in the situation you described, take note.


Now, what he should start doing IMHO is:

1. Go back to school. If she has an issue with it, divorce her. Yeah, I dropped the D-word. Its better than the perpetual abuse he is taking now.
2. Take better care of his appearance. I suggest not shaving every day, and hitting the gym. He does not need to become Mr.Universe, but he needs to display himself as a guy attractive to women in general. Lots of married guys or guys who feel overly secure in a relationship will let themselves go appearance wise.
3. He needs to immediately cut back on all affection and compliments to her. He should also tease her a bit, but not right away. I say this because a lot of guys in long term relationships (LTR for short) will start to smother a woman with affection in order to placate her. She likely never initiates affection, and I’d be shocked if they had sex more than once every few weeks. During which she likely acts like she does not want to be there.
4. He needs to stop lifting a finger around the house, especially if he is paying the majority of bills. Likely she has grown to expect him to be a house maid. He needs to cut that out too.
5. He should stop asking her what she thinks about things. Example, if he wants to go out to eat and bring her with, it should be "hey babe, get ready to go, you got 5 minutes and I’m leaving to go get a bite to eat". If she asks where, he needs to simply say "wow, you sure like asking questions". Saying in a way you would when teasing a young sibling.
6. Take charge in general. In this situation that is a 180 role reversal.
7. He needs to not text her back right away after she sends him one, and not even answer all her calls when he is out of the house. I would not be shocked if your friend always has to "check in" on her, and always ends his calls with "I wuuuuv you" and then like a pet awaits her begrudged "I love you too". He needs to stop that, and end his call with "yeah ok bye", and then hang up.
8. Keep his options open. After all, she is used to a jelly fish. If he grows a spine she may go find herself a new jellyfish. Good riddance if she does.
9. Because a LOT of the above is going to royally piss her off, he needs to NOT apologize. He likely has been groveling apologies every time she shows even a cent of anger. Her anger can be a great place to tease too "awe, I didn’t call to check in on you while I was out, that ******** is not so flattering on you".
10. If she gets violent with him, as in punches him, a physical display of power is in order. This can be as simple as tackling her, gripping her neck with one hand, and kissing her on the cheek or lips before getting up. Don’t be shocked if this arouses her either. If that is the case, be rough with the sex. If she does not seem aroused, just walk away ignoring her laments of how big an a-hole you were to tackle her like that.

The point is he needs to treat her as if he is living his own life for himself, accomplishing his own goals, and is not afraid to lose her if that is necessary to accomplish said goals. He is still a young man, and has a lot to accomplish so far. His life should not revolve around her or her whims.

 

[ComicChick]

saw Mr. Friday last friday so apparently he's not on deployment so yay

but... was literally only like a split second, boss came and got me to do something and he was gone. didn't get to speak to him at all but i think we def locked eyes from across the room lol

if only i wasn't a complete chicken haha

 

[JStorm]

Most of my friends don't post their relationships on Facebook A) because they don't feel it's anyone's business, and B) so they don't look promiscuous when they dump one person and hook up with another in rapid succession.

Another one of my many points.

How badly would if reflect upon her if she changed her status for me, three weeks later we're done, all to change it back for John Smith three weeks after the fact.


Wait until it's important enough to tell your New York family and Chicago friends.

Spaghetti Monster knows I don't need college friends emailing me over this, because I haven't been serious in over an year.

 

[JStorm]

That's another reason, I suppose. I just had three Fb friends change their relationship status to "engaged" without having it posted before. But being engaged is kind of a big deal.

That one - alone - scares the poop out of me.

If. . . and when. . I'm engaged, I will make for damn sure **** is set in stone, as much as humanly possible, before telling the 'Tusi.

 

[SpideyVille]

I find it much more awkward when you see "______ is no longer listed in a relationship" because then you get random people liking it or commenting on it, and obviously both people can see what they say unless they stop being friends.

 

[JStorm]

I find it much more awkward when you see "______ is no longer listed in a relationship" because then you get random people liking it or commenting on it, and obviously both people can see what they say unless they stop being friends.

Yup.

Had a huge feud with the last lady. We broke it off, she deleted the relationship, and three old friends posted "sweety. . if you need anything. . blah, blah, blah."

No matter what I said, I looked like a cheatin' ass.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, I can imagine someone posting something like "Good for you. He was a loser anyway." while the guy can see it pop up on his newsfeed.

But I find it more weird when someone is listed as no longer in a relationship, only to be listed as in a relationship with the same person a few days later. I can never figure out what the point of all that is.

 

[JStorm]

Yeah, I can imagine someone posting something like "Good for you. He was a loser anyway." while the guy can see it pop up on his newsfeed.

But I find it more weird when someone is listed as no longer in a relationship, only to be listed as in a relationship with the same person a few days later. I can never figure out what the point of all that is.

And another good point.

Facebook promotes the apathetic bull**** responses that our idiotic brains creates on a daily basis.

We broke, we on, we weird, we on, we sexy, we off, . . . I wanna puke.


Just watch one of my ex's go through this. Sad part, she is 32 and he is 41. **** went back and fourth for weeks.


I refuse to welcome high school back into my life.

 

[SpideyVille]

There's also thepeople, mostly girls, who jokingly put that they're in a relationship or married or something to another female friend of theirs. A friend of mine recently re-activated her account as had that she was married to her cousin who also deleted her account, so when she signed back on it said se was simply listed as married. Knowing her, I knew that wasn't the case but it was hilarious watching people really get on her case about disappearing and getting married and not inviting them and stuff. People really do take that stuff very serious.

 

[JStorm]

There's also thepeople, mostly girls, who jokingly put that they're in a relationship or married or something to another female friend of theirs. A friend of mine recently re-activated her account as had that she was married to her cousin who also deleted her account, so when she signed back on it said se was simply listed as married. Knowing her, I knew that wasn't the case but it was hilarious watching people really get on her case about disappearing and getting married and not inviting them and stuff. People really do take that stuff very serious.

Out of the 208 people I have listed as "friends," I'd sooner invite twenty, or more, of you guys, before those asshats.

A culling is in order.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I've got good news and bad news.

The good news: He's not getting back with his ex. He said he isn't going to bother with her and that it isn't worth it.

The bad news: I chickened out again. We went to Taco Bell on the way back to his house and he got something really meaty. I'm a vegetarian, so I didn't want to taste beef when we kissed so I didn't make a move. Plus I was still kinda nervous. Not as nervous as the other times it could have happened, though. I could have tried before then but I got so distracted by watching a movie and playing Magic: The Gathering and it just slipped my mind until I was taking him home. You know that scene in Just Friends where Ryan Reynolds is freaking out in his car? That's what I did when I got home. GAH!!

 

[Anita18]

I've got good news and bad news.

The good news: He's not getting back with his ex. He said he isn't going to bother with her and that it isn't worth it.

The bad news: I chickened out again. We went to Taco Bell on the way back to his house and he got something really meaty. I'm a vegetarian, so I didn't want to taste beef when we kissed so I didn't make a move. Plus I was still kinda nervous. Not as nervous as the other times it could have happened, though. I could have tried before then but I got so distracted by watching a movie and playing Magic: The Gathering and it just slipped my mind until I was taking him home. You know that scene in Just Friends where Ryan Reynolds is freaking out in his car? That's what I did when I got home. GAH!!

Well, you'll have plenty more chances now.

 

[Anubis]

You didn't wanna kiss him cuz you didn't wanna taste beef?

Oh, Veggiephiles.....such an endless source of comedy.

 

[Hound55]

One day their cult shall be squashed...

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

If you don't like tasting beef, I'd stop at kissing.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Hey oh!

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Sorry, that's where I draw the line. I know this is gonna being down a storm of hate on me, but I'm gonna say it. If a woman punches me, she's getting punched right back. If she wants to fight like a man, then she deserves to get hit like a man.

She's not gonna be able to fight like a man though is she? Your punch is gonna do a lot more damage.
If a woman comes at you like that, punching scratching, whatever, and can't be reasoned with, just grab her by the wrists or subdue her by holding her arms by her side, or if there is the option, walk away from the situation, go into another room and lock the door until she has calmed down.
If she tells you she has calmed down, but is really standing outside the bathroon door with a frying pan, then call the cops.
There's no shame in that, but there is shame in hitting a woman, imo anyway.

Hell, I am probably gonna be put in the situation where a lot of men will be trying to wind me up and get me into fights, and I am gonna walk away from those types of situations, because I know they will be wanting me to get into physical fights with them to make me look bad.
But, y'know, if they throw the first punch, i will probably do something back, whether it's to subdue them by the most non-violent means possible or just fight back, who knows, depends on the situation.

A friend of mine told me that he once hit his long term girlfriend when she was coming at him really crazily, screaming, punching, scratching...and his point was that sometimes you don't know what you might do in a situation like that.
But, man, I really don't see myself hitting a woman under any circumstances, I don't care how crazy the situation gets. Phycsically subdue by the most non-violent means possible? Sure, if I can't walk away, but not by punching or slapping or anything like that.

Anyway, I don't know if you have ever been in that situation before, or are just voicing a theoretical opinion on that, but personally, I don't think it's the right thing to do, and I don't think I have that in me.