The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - Part 22

[Paradoxium]

Are you guys in a house or apartment? What's the ownership/rent situation?

 

[BillPardy]

Apartment, we're both on the lease. She can afford the rent on her own.

 

[Anita18]

I want to be a cartoonist. She wants me to make more then the 20,000 I make a year, so our dream of getting married, buying a house, having kids, will be more easily realized. She had this ideal future in mind, and the more she thought about it, the more she came to realize it'd be difficult to make it to that future with ME.

Tonight we had another conversation about this all. The sudden dedication I've developed about finding a new job, rubs her the wrong way, apparently it appears fake, and she hates that it seems like I'm doing it for her, and not myself. She doesn't like the answer of, "I'm doing it for us."

Regardless shes more upset that the romantic spark has disappeared, she says she thinks all day about how to get it back, and she doesn't know how. I've been trying my hardest, being the best I can be for her, and its not helping.

Yes! We are having fun, we are enjoying one another, and going out and doing things... but for her its not love. She doesn't feel like she needs to see me all day, shes not dying to come home anymore. She can go out with her friends and not be more excited to come home and see me, or even be with me. She said, "I don't feel like I need to necessarily talk to you every day."

I'm currently going to be spending the night on the couch, since she asked me to. I think it makes sense. Anyway, none of my real life friends are around to talk, but I think we're pretty much done.

Paradoxium is not in a serious relationship. He has no interest in being in a serious relationship, so I wouldn't jump to take his advice at face value. Not unless you will learn something that you can take into future relationships, because it sounds like you DO want a serious, monogamous relationship and not juggle multiple women at one time like Paradoxium is.

But I will say this. From your description, it sounds like she misses the infatuation. Infatuation is not love. I don't get super-excited to see my husband if he's only gone for a few hours. I can have fun with my friends and not miss my husband. All that is not necessary in a loving relationship. Missing your SO all the time is infatuation.

No long-term relationship will magically keep the romantic spark. It will take effort from you. Up to you whether you consider that "work." I don't consider it work, but it IS effort, I'm not going to lie.

For me, when things have gotten a bit boring between the hubs and I (because we've been together 5 years and now we do spend most of our time together), I make an effort to be more loving towards him. i don't ask him to be more loving to me. For some reason GIVING and not receiving love makes me feel it more. Judging by how many marriage therapists out there that say that love is a verb, I don't think I'm the only one.

So that means it's up to your girlfriend to decide if she's gonna stop thinking about whether she feels that love or if she's gonna actually DO something about it. And it's up to you to decide whether you want to wait around for her to decide that. But it sounds to me that she's mistaking infatuation for love, and the infatuation phase is over for her.

 

[Paradoxium]

Please don't drag it out, just get out as fast as you can. The sooner you can, the sooner you can find the breathing room to get your **** together.

The one thing about being single is, you can take risks and responsibility for things you truly want. Career or hobby. No nagging, no doubting and no whining. It seems to me, you are at that stage (or want to get there). The risk stage some of us guys go through. That girl (along with many) wants stability. You still have a lot of time to grow and mature. The two things don't match... for now anyways.

Spend a few months, and completely re-tune your mind and body. I encourage you to workout and clean your diet. You'd be surprised how much that helps your mind and confidence. All the while, focus and refine your cartooning skills. Be damned good at it.

Have a legitimate reason to be confident in yourself. But you gotta pay your dues first.

 

[BillPardy]

Paradoxium is not in a serious relationship. He has no interest in being in a serious relationship, so I wouldn't jump to take his advice at face value. Not unless you will learn something that you can take into future relationships, because it sounds like you DO want a serious, monogamous relationship and not juggle multiple women at one time like Paradoxium is.

But I will say this. From your description, it sounds like she misses the infatuation. Infatuation is not love. I don't get super-excited to see my husband if he's only gone for a few hours. I can have fun with my friends and not miss my husband. All that is not necessary in a loving relationship. Missing your SO all the time is infatuation.

No long-term relationship will magically keep the romantic spark. It will take effort from you. Up to you whether you consider that "work." I don't consider it work, but it IS effort, I'm not going to lie.

For me, when things have gotten a bit boring between the hubs and I (because we've been together 5 years and now we do spend most of our time together), I make an effort to be more loving towards him. i don't ask him to be more loving to me. For some reason GIVING and not receiving love makes me feel it more. Judging by how many marriage therapists out there that say that love is a verb, I don't think I'm the only one.

So that means it's up to your girlfriend to decide if she's gonna stop thinking about whether she feels that love or if she's gonna actually DO something about it. And it's up to you to decide whether you want to wait around for her to decide that. But it sounds to me that she's mistaking infatuation for love, and the infatuation phase is over for her.

I've said the same thing to her! But when I try to rationalize how she feels, she feels like I'm just being dismissive. I don't know what to tell her, I just know I have been trying.

And don't know what I plan on doing to be honest. I know its up to me for when I want to quit trying and just give up. I do agree, the more I've tried, the more I've been able to remember why I do love her, and why this is worth working on.

 

[Paradoxium]

Bill, how old is this girl?

What is her body build? Fat/Thin/Athletic?

 

[BillPardy]

We're both 24.

 

[Paradoxium]

Do you know any younger and thinner girls? Are you in or near a major metropolitan city?

(I will explain later)

----------

A few things to ponder though... be honest, no reason not to be.


Would you date yourself?

Of the two of you, who has the higher market value?

Do you believe in "The One"?

 

[Arach Knight]

I've said the same thing to her! But when I try to rationalize how she feels, she feels like I'm just being dismissive. I don't know what to tell her, I just know I have been trying.

And don't know what I plan on doing to be honest. I know its up to me for when I want to quit trying and just give up. I do agree, the more I've tried, the more I've been able to remember why I do love her, and why this is worth working on.

Always acknowkedge the other person's feelings first, then move on to state your case or raise your point issue. If you do that, then people are less likely to get defensive or feel that you are being dissmisive of their feelings. It also establishes you as a fair party and sets the precedent for all involved to be simlarly equitable.

 

[Schlosser85]

I wish I had a boyfriend, but sometimes I fear I'm too self-involved for a relationship.

 

[Anubis]

Probably.

 

[Anita18]

I've said the same thing to her! But when I try to rationalize how she feels, she feels like I'm just being dismissive. I don't know what to tell her, I just know I have been trying.

And don't know what I plan on doing to be honest. I know its up to me for when I want to quit trying and just give up. I do agree, the more I've tried, the more I've been able to remember why I do love her, and why this is worth working on.

Don't tell her your rationalizations. Those are for you, to consider where she may be coming from. But usually, folks don't like hearing how they "tick" from other people. It's a very easy to get caught in a spiral of knee-jerk defensive behavior that way. Just say "I feel that _____ when you ____" and leave it at that. Work from there.

It's up to her now. There is nothing you can do if she's convinced herself she doesn't love you anymore. It may feel like she's asking you to do stuff, but it isn't going to manifest unless she also makes the effort. Even if that effort is as simply as opening her heart again.

She may be in love with the future she's planned in her head, instead of you personally. Consider that possibility very carefully.

I have a friend who's a high school teacher, which is not a very lucrative job. Her husband is an out-of-work illustrator. He's trying to find a job, but he doesn't have the best hustle. Doesn't matter to her one bit. He's helping her with her lesson plans (she teaches English and volunteered to teach art) so they're supporting each other.

There's also the story of director Ang Lee and his wife, who supported the family with only her income for 6 years while he reviewed films and wrote scripts. He was a stay-at-home dad, feeling guilty he wasn't pulling his weight financially, which his parents and in-laws were pressuring him to do. He aimed to get an office job, signing up for computer classes. His wife found his class schedule, and told him to keep pursuing his dream in film instead of doing something else. He did, and the rest is history.

When I read that story, I cried. THAT is love. THAT is what I aspire my marriage to be. Of course, my husband and you probably won't end up with Ang Lee's accomplishments, but that's besides the point. He had nothing for 6 years, and his wife still believed in him. Even when no one else did, she did.

So you have to ask yourself, do you want the lifestyle you've planned, or do you want to pursue your dream? Is your gf willing to support you with your dreams? Do you want something like that for yourself? And if you do, are you willing to give her up to pursue something that WILL help make your dream come true?

It doesn't have to be one or the other. It can be both, if you find someone who supports you and raises you up, no matter what you choose to do. That part doesn't have to be a fairy tale. You don't have to be infatuated with someone 24/7 to do that.

I would not be doing what I'm doing now without my husband's emotional support. He's the best cheerleader I have in my life. He believes I can do anything I put my mind to. Why wouldn't I marry someone like that?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
That sounds about right...

 

[Paradoxium]

Personally, I think Bill's girl is just not attracted to him. The future thing is all an internal rationalization to justify this lack of attraction. I've known guys who are unemployed bums who manage to pull pretty girls. Even if what she said is true, he is clearly in the risk taking stage of his life, and she is in "settling" mode. He is still young enough to take risks and take the hits.

He needs to leave her to build some value. He should read this article: http://bonytobeastly.com/ectomorph-aesthetics-full-article/

 

[the last son]

Attraction is the biggest factor i believe. The girl I'm dating now, is working on a master's degree and i barely make money. She knows that too.

 

[Erzengel]

Are you attracted to her?

 

[the last son]

Yea, i am. I'm just having a hard time understanding what she sees in me. I'm so use to having to ask a woman why she doesn't want to be with me.

 

[Erzengel]

Sometimes some people can't see what they bring to the table, someone who's decent, easy to talk to, good value system can be extremely high on some people's list. I know it's hard for you given your history but you'd be surprised how some things you think are not a huge deal, can be.

 

[Anita18]

I think physical attraction is prioritized over lifestyle attraction with some people, but if a certain lifestyle is really important to someone, eventually that will catch up to them. I think that's what BillPardy is experiencing now. She wants the lifestyle more than she actually wants him with all his imperfection.

When you've been together for 3 years in a serious relationship, physical attraction by itself isn't going to sustain it.

 

[Anita18]

Yea, i am. I'm just having a hard time understanding what she sees in me. I'm so use to having to ask a woman why she doesn't want to be with me.

Just go with it. I have a hard time figuring out why I'm deserving of unfailing emotional support, but it's there and I'm not going to turn it down.

Although I do suggest communicating when you feel really uncomfortable about her being more educated and making more money than you. A lot of guys internalize that and it turns into resentment pretty fast. Not all guys are ok with a woman who's more educated and makes more money than them. In fact I think it's a minority.

 

[the last son]

Lol I'm more than happy with it. Nothing would make me happier than being a stay at home dad lol. She's the total package though. Good looking, smart, and is very humble. My car is a 94 Toyota with half of the car not working and she just laughs and says it has character. As you say I'm just going with the flow.

 

[Mr.M]

Lol I'm more than happy with it. Nothing would make me happier than being a stay at home dad lol. She's the total package though. Good looking, smart, and is very humble. My car is a 94 Toyota with half of the car not working and she just laughs and says it has character. As you say I'm just going with the flow.

More like living the dream... ****ing Kept man that doesn't have to put the bread on the table, I envy you bro. Keep up the good work.

 

[the last son]

Just asked her plans for Valentine's day. Said free later that night. I asked was i expected to do something. Her reply was only if you have a Valentine. I switched the subject and she says nice subject switch. I asked if i had one. She said yes. Unless you don't think you do. I said she does, I'm just hard on the outside and i was happy. She said don't be that way with her and asked is she going to see me. I hadn't planned anything . Movies ok?

 

[Erzengel]

Dinner, movies then well you can't invite her back to your place right?

 

[Anita18]

Lol I'm more than happy with it. Nothing would make me happier than being a stay at home dad lol. She's the total package though. Good looking, smart, and is very humble. My car is a 94 Toyota with half of the car not working and she just laughs and says it has character. As you say I'm just going with the flow.

Another view is that she might be unimpressed with the guys around her in school or work who try so hard to impress women with their nice cars and s***.

Just asked her plans for Valentine's day. Said free later that night. I asked was i expected to do something. Her reply was only if you have a Valentine. I switched the subject and she says nice subject switch. I asked if i had one. She said yes. Unless you don't think you do. I said she does, I'm just hard on the outside and i was happy. She said don't be that way with her and asked is she going to see me. I hadn't planned anything . Movies ok?

Sure, why not?