The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[theastsunnn]

very few people would agree to date around on an exclusive relationship, but I admit sometimes I want to chat with other people and get to know them. But I love my gf so I don’t. And I’m not married and I tell myself maybe I can sleep at night if I date other people since I’m not married and haven’t made that commitment. But I did agree to a mutual relationship. I May be more lack of feelings. If I found out she was dating around it would hurt but it wouldn’t kill me. We’re not married. I prob would move on though. Guys should be allowed two women.

 

[Babillygunn]

Guys should be allowed two women.

 

[theastsunnn]

I’ve never been in a serious relationship until now, so o have struggled this time with not being able to text multiple women.

 

[MissMarvelous]

View attachment 105645

x2

 

[Babillygunn]

I’ve never been in a serious relationship until now, so o have struggled this time with not being able to text multiple women.

What do you mean by “text multiple women?”

I have female friends whom I keep up with either from my school days or whom I used to work with or currently work with. But there is nothing remotely sexual in those relationships. They are like my guy friends. And my wife knows them and is fine with it. And I never have a conversation with one of them that I wouldn’t feel comfortable having in front of my wife. Is this the kind of “texting” you mean? Or are you meaning something sexual?

Because I don’t see anything wrong with having female friends as long as you all are ok with it, you have boundaries, and complete transparency and honesty. My biggest rule of thumb with female friendships is I don’t complain about my wife to them and I don’t want to listen to them complain to me about their husbands.

But if you are in a committed relationship and you are wanting someone else…that might be something that you need to address either within yourself or with your partner. Because it won’t get better over time. It will probably only get worse as the other women could easily become (in your mind) the “forbidden fruit” that you are being denied. It’s easy for that desire to turn into resentment towards your partner

 

[Erzengel]

For someone who wants their alone/me time, I don't see how having 2 women would help with that. The time and money it would take to entertain 2? I'd be working just to maintain that. LOL.

 

[ComicChick]

very few people would agree to date around on an exclusive relationship, but I admit sometimes I want to chat with other people and get to know them. But I love my gf so I don’t. And I’m not married and I tell myself maybe I can sleep at night if I date other people since I’m not married and haven’t made that commitment. But I did agree to a mutual relationship. I May be more lack of feelings. If I found out she was dating around it would hurt but it wouldn’t kill me. We’re not married. I prob would move on though. Guys should be allowed two women.

if someone is dating around, the relationship is no longer exclusive right?

 

[ComicChick]

Guys should be allowed two women.

 

[theastsunnn]

What do you mean by “text multiple women?”

I have female friends whom I keep up with either from my school days or whom I used to work with or currently work with. But there is nothing remotely sexual in those relationships. They are like my guy friends. And my wife knows them and is fine with it. And I never have a conversation with one of them that I wouldn’t feel comfortable having in front of my wife. Is this the kind of “texting” you mean? Or are you meaning something sexual?

Because I don’t see anything wrong with having female friends as long as you all are ok with it, you have boundaries, and complete transparency and honesty. My biggest rule of thumb with female friendships is I don’t complain about my wife to them and I don’t want to listen to them complain to me about their husbands.

But if you are in a committed relationship and you are wanting someone else…that might be something that you need to address either within yourself or with your partner. Because it won’t get better over time. It will probably only get worse as the other women could easily become (in your mind) the “forbidden fruit” that you are being denied. It’s easy for that desire to turn into resentment towards your partner

I do look at it as forbidden fruit and a weight on my leg, but there’s no resentment towards her. If I’m truly ready to take that step and go behind her back I’ll either make a deal with the devil and realize I’m not a good person or know it’s time to move on she break it off

 

[InCali]

Oh.....(wo)man.....I've been missing out.

I have to say I love the "guys should be allowed two women" comment. Yeah, sure. Last I checked, it's not illegal.....for anyone.

I don't know what my favorite thread is anymore. This one or "Cats or Dogs".

Please, please, PLEASE keep it rollin'.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Oh.....(wo)man.....I've been missing out.

I have to say I love the "guys should be allowed two women" comment. Yeah, sure. Last I checked, it's not illegal.....for anyone.

I don't know what my favorite thread is anymore. This one or "Cats or Dogs".

Please, please, PLEASE keep it rollin'.

Oh, there you are! Thought you were taking a nap.

Been waiting for your input!

 

[Babillygunn]

It’s ironic that @InCali finds this “two women” conversation so funny given that he has a real life wife and a Hype-wife. (@MissMarvelous)

 

[InCali]

It’s ironic that @InCali finds this “two women” conversation so funny given that he has a real life wife and a Hype-wife. (@MissMarvelous)

I actually thought for a minute about mentioning that aspect of things, but decided I was best served to leave it alone. I figured some other poster with poorer taste would bring it up; so there was no need to brag about it.

 

[Babillygunn]

I figured some other poster with poorer taste would bring it up

 

[Da-Scribe]

if someone is dating around, the relationship is no longer exclusive right?

Depends on the dynamic of the relationship. Someone in a hierarchical poly or monogamish relationship might still consider themselves exclusive with their primary partner, at least emotionally. My wife and I are in the very very early aughts of exploring this (just reading books and working with a couple's therapist). We've flirted with the idea of going out on dates with other people, but are still very much view ourselves as emotionally exclusive with each other. Like I don't care if she hooks up with other people, but it would hurt if she fell in love with someone else.

 

[theastsunnn]

In my experience it is very rare to lay in bed for a long time and just keep it casual without feelings.

 

[InCali]

In my experience it is very rare to lay in bed for a long time and just keep it casual without feelings.

Y'know......

Sometimes I respond to posts immediately
Sometimes I start to, but decide to wait and think, but don't respond
Sometimes I start to, but decide to wait and think and, like this time, respond.

Have you ever been in a long term relationship?

Sex is part of being intimate, but only a part. Hanging out in bed with your partner, talking, laughing, even having breakfast, etc. are other parts.

Maybe I'm missing what you're saying, but people who care for each other can lay in bed for a long time....sometimes they have "feelings" and by that I think you mean wanting to have sex, and sometimes they are just enjoying each other's company.

 

[theastsunnn]

Y'know......

Sometimes I respond to posts immediately
Sometimes I start to, but decide to wait and think, but don't respond
Sometimes I start to, but decide to wait and think and, like this time, respond.

Have you ever been in a long term relationship?

Sex is part of being intimate, but only a part. Hanging out in bed with your partner, talking, laughing, even having breakfast, etc. are other parts.

Maybe I'm missing what you're saying, but people who care for each other can lay in bed for a long time....sometimes they have "feelings" and by that I think you mean wanting to have sex, and sometimes they are just enjoying each other's company.

What I’m saying is it’s very hard to find a friend with benefits without one side having feelings for more. It’s too intimate not too.

 

[Babillygunn]

Casual sex really was something that I outgrew when I moved on from my teenage years. I’m not an animal that can’t control urges. I’m a human and humans are supposed to be relational beings. After 25 years of marriage, sex is something that is fun, but the moments of intimacy that we experience with one another are actually the high points. Sex is the physical and it’s fun, but the relationship is the emotional and spiritual. Everything pales in comparison to that when it is firing on all cylinders.

 

[InCali]

Casual sex really was something that I outgrew when I moved on from my teenage years. I’m not an animal that can’t control urges. I’m a human and humans are supposed to be relational beings. After 25 years of marriage, sex is something that is fun, but the moments of intimacy that we experience with one another are actually the high points. Sex is the physical and it’s fun, but the relationship is the emotional and spiritual. Everything pales in comparison to that when it is firing on all cylinders.

TBH, I didn't outgrow it until much later. LOL, but I agree with you. Leisurely weekend mornings just hanging out and talking and just having fun being with someone you care about are the best. Then there's "Hey....are you hungry?" (the inevitable answer being "yes") and running out to the kitchen and making scrambled eggs or something easy....like toast and/or Canadian Bacon and maybe some sparkling wine or something. And the dogs begging......don't forget the dogs....

 

[Babillygunn]

TBH, I didn't outgrow it until much later. LOL

Well, I was a playa as a young man.

 

[InCali]

Well, I was a playa as a young man.

Well, I liked Joni Mitchell and Patsy Cline and lived in Santa Cruz so you'll understand my slow road to maturity......

 

[MissMarvelous]

Suppose you guys had a connection a few years (5+ years) ago with someone, for a few months... nothing physical ever happened, just an understanding because x situation. Would you reach out to them? And what if they decide to reach out, what would you immediately think?

 

[Hobgoblin]

I dunno. I think you need to have a talk with yourself about what you want. That temptation to wander can start to grow if not nipped in the bud.

Personal question: how to respectfully let someone down. I'm told a coworker has a crush and has asked others if they think I'd go out with her. She and I have a great bantering relationship (think Drew Carey and Mimi from The Drew Carey Show) but I'm just not attracted.

 

[Erzengel]

Suppose you guys had a connection a few years (5+ years) ago with someone, for a few months... nothing physical ever happened, just an understanding because x situation. Would you reach out to them? And what if they decide to reach out, what would you immediately think?

It would have to be such a connection that I was thinking about them 5 years later. And is it because it was such a connection or are you in place where not too much is going on that you are thinking about the what ifs?