A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[AndThePickles]

So just a general question here: Have you ever seen someone that shared a resemblance to someone you used to date or had a crush on? And if so, did that ever make you have feelings for that person, however brief it may have been, simply because they looked like someone else?

Sure, I think it's natural to be attracted to someone who shares physical or personality traits with another person you've been involved with. Goes along with labeling your "type," even when you have multiple "types." It can be dangerous, in a way...you may see qualities in that person that you were drawn to in an ex, and unfairly associate them with your ex.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

LOL, the funny thing is as much as guys here try to figure out how "girls work and think" in broad stereotypes, there are plenty of woman out there who don't understand guys and why they are the way they are in the same kind of broad stereotypes.

There are. There are a lot more bad relationships than good ones.

 

[SpideyVille]

Sure, I think it's natural to be attracted to someone who shares physical or personality traits with another person you've been involved with. Goes along with labeling your "type," even when you have multiple "types." It can be dangerous, in a way...you may see qualities in that person that you were drawn to in an ex, and unfairly associate them with your ex.

Yeah, its happened to me where I'll see similarities mainly in the face and it would almost be like I see them as the same person, for better and worse. And I hate it because of that. No matter how much I try not to think of it, I'll always look at them as though they were the person I used to know despite the differences in personality.

Ironically enough, I've been talking to some girl in my acting for the past week and whenever we talk online, which is often, I notice a lot of similarities in the things she says with the last girl I used to like. She seemed like a nice girl at first, but one I wasn't attracted to, but I decided to give it a shot because of the emotional connection, which ended up being an act on her part. I kinda feel the same way about this new girl. I don't like her or am attracted to her, but I do like talking to her, even though part of me feels like the nice things she says are just to be nice and are not really meant.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I may have ruined everything...

We went out to sing karaoke tonight. Had a nice time. Then it came time for me to drive him home. I accidentally started going the way to my house for some reason. He pointed this out to me and I immediately turned right at the nearest street to turn around and go the right way....a one-way street. I hit a curb and he pointed out to me before I had turned around that it was a one-way. So I went the right way and was going to just turn around using other streets. Well, as luck would have it, a cop saw us and pulled me over - the first time I've ever been pulled over. I'm in full-on panic mode. Not only because I've never been pulled over, but because I'm scared that I've freaked him out and he'll never want to see me again. The cop takes our info and lets us off with a warning. I apologized a million times on the way back to his house. It still doesn't feel like enough. He said it was ok, and didn't seem freaked out at all, but I'm still worried. I sent him 2 texts since I got home with no reply. Now, he may just be asleep (it is late), or my worry has come true. AUGH!!

Oh, for the curious, the texts I sent were:

"I don't think I'll ever feel I've apologized enough for that..."

*10 minutes later*

"I know I worry too much. But that right there is the sort of thing I'm worried about. That I'll do something that stupid and you'll wig out and leave for good."

 

[bullets]

I think you've apologized enough. Everything should be ok. The worst thing is that he thinks you freak out like that often but it's too early to cut you off over a silly mistake.

 

[AndThePickles]

Something like that should never affect your dating life. What WILL scare any person off is your second text. You aren't even an official couple yet, why the heck are you talking about being worried that he'll leave for good? That sounds desperate and obsessive. You're digging your own hole. Stop!

 

[HisMagicTrick]

Yeah, you might want to back off a bit, or you'll definitely freak him out. It may be a good idea to not text him anymore until he replies. On the plus side, he most likely doesn't even care about the accident.

 

[Anita18]

Something like that should never affect your dating life. What WILL scare any person off is your second text. You aren't even an official couple yet, why the heck are you talking about being worried that he'll leave for good? That sounds desperate and obsessive. You're digging your own hole. Stop!

Thirded!

Traffic stops happen to everyone. Believe me, EVERYONE. A traffic stop is no reason for someone to dump you, if they're sane. But sending multiple texts late at night freaking out about it can be!

I don't think anyone would voluntarily sign up to be in a relationship with someone they'd need to continuously reassure unless they were the super-nurturing type who loves to take care of people. That's not going to be everyone (my bf readily takes care of me when I need it, but I think he'd tire of having to reassure me 24/7), and it's unclear from your posts if this guy is one of them.

 

[SpideyVille]

Fourthed!...?

Yeah, like ATP said, you're digging your own hole now. I was the same way with the last girl where I was so worried about messing up and losing her that I freaked out one day and said something similar with the texting. But it was all the worrying that I did that pushed her away, not anything else that I did.

 

[Erzengel]

Angel

Maybe if you only write with your left hand, he won't leave you.

Maybe if you also lead with your left foot when you walk, he won't leave you.

Do you see the absurdity in this? I don't want to come off as mean, and I know this is all relatively new but you have to relax. People who need constant reassurances in their relationships, it gets very tiresome.

Girl: Okay. Have a good day. I love you.
Boy: I will. I'll see you later.

Girl (thinking): Oh my goodness. He didn't say he loved me back. He stopped loving me. What am I going to do? I should call him and say it again. Or at least demand to know why he didn't say it.

Do you see how worrying all the time is only going to get worse as you progress in a relationship?

RELAX​

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

^Yeee---ah

I've told you multiple times Angel that if you continue to worry and try to make everything perfect then it's never going to happen for you, ever. I was very sincere about that.

 

[LOBO3315a]

5th'ed

Angel, calm down! Making the wrong turn down a 1 way street, and getting pulled over by the cops is absolutely no reason for a guy to dump you. In fact it's one of those things that you both could look back on and laugh about later on. You were good until that 2nd text. If I received that, I would be having 2nd thoughts about the person sending it. Stop trying to be a perfect person, and just be a perfect you. He'll appreciate that a lot more.

 

[steintym]

I've lost count on where we're at .... but Angel you need to chill out. Everything was probably ok until the second text (although I suspect both were probably not necessary). I doubt someone will ditch out because of a traffic stop. If anything, it might turn into something you both can laugh about.

 

[LOBO3315a]

It there an echo in here? An echo of awesome?

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I'm just scared of being hurt. I've been burned by my previous relationships (they were online, but whatever). Burned bad. And I don't want to be again, especially since the damage from all that has only really been healed for a few months. I know that it's likely I may be in that position again someday down the line, I'd just rather not be at this point in time. If he broke things off, I'd be hurt. Not devastated and unable to go on, but I'd be sad and unhappy. I like spending time with him. And I don't want the good times we've been having to stop because of something I did that could have been preventable.

I have pretty low self-esteem. From the first day of Kindergarten until some point in high school, I was bullied and called names pretty much every single day. Something like that has an effect on a person. For me, I assumed that if so many people thought something it must be true. And so I've never felt good enough. For guys, for my friends, for anyone. So in my mind I have to do everything the best I possibly can or he'll realize that I'm not and I'll wind up back where I was.

I know I may have dug myself into a hole here. But how do I un-dig it? And how do I learn to relax about all this?

 

[Erzengel]

Learn to bite your tongue?

Learn to hold on a second before a text?

Learn to not give in to any obsessive compulsions to seek assurances on the state of things in your relationship.

I know you have self esteem issues Angel, and I'm sure it won't help that a lot of other people have issues to varying degrees. But you can't sweat the small stuff. You have to learn to laugh when things go wrong.

You go out, and oops you forgot your wallet at home. Don't freak out. Why? Does it ruin the whole evening? It shouldn't.

When you start to freak out, just take a second, take a breath and remember that what's going on isn't probably a big deal.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Yup no reason to worry, over the summer both me and my girlfriend got pulled over two nights in a row. The first night, she had recently gotten a new car and forgot to turn on her lights. The next night, I was driving and took a pretty tight turn and got pulled over and the cops tried to give me a DUI (I was well under the legal limit). We look back at both incidents and laugh, no apologies were necessary. Everyone gets pulled over, it's really not a big deal, unless you make it out to be one.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Angel, no one likes to be hurt. We all do things to try and keep that from happening. The problem here is, you are sabotaging yourself. The harder you try and "not screw things up" you will. Every time you start thinking you are going to screw up and you need to fix it, stop yourself. Relax. Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Center yourself. You might have to breathe deeply like that a few times, but eventually you will calm down.

You un-dig the hole like this: Tell him the truth. Tell him it was the first time you have ever been pulled over, and it freaked you out a bit. Your texts were a response to that and thank him for listening, being understanding and not judging. You also might slide in something like "It's kind of funny, I've never had that happen to me before. Maybe something about being around you makes me forget to look at street signs and for police cars."

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So just a general question here: Have you ever seen someone that shared a resemblance to someone you used to date or had a crush on? And if so, did that ever make you have feelings for that person, however brief it may have been, simply because they looked like someone else?

I met a girl that totally reminded me of my ex. I totally fell for this new girl.

 

[Erzengel]

Also, everyone is going to make mistakes whether it be in their first or twenty first relationship.

The trick is just to learn from them. Okay, you dug yourself in a hole. Next time, don't over react.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Yea, I also think that second text was too much.

What everyone in here is saying is correct. You can't become obsessive about something, that only scares people off.

I watched a friend of mine get completely obsessive and possessive over this girl at a party the other night. When I first saw him, he seemed kinda down, and I started talking to him, and it really just started off as a young kid, who really liked the girl, and was afraid to put himself out there to her (understandable, we've all been there at some point). Unfortunately, it ended up turning into him obsessing over every move she made, over every guy she talked to or danced with. See, the two of them don't have anything together, and he started getting possessive with her. "She's dancing with him. I don't want her dancing with him. When they dance together, it's like there's something between them. If there's something between them, she needs to tell me"

And I'm thinking, okay man, she doesn't need to tell you. You guys aren't together or anything close. She doesn't have to report back to you. It got to a point where a bunch of people at the party had to pull him aside into another room to try to get him to relax. They went and found the guy who he thought had something with the girl. The guy came in and was like "There's nothing between her and I. We're just friends". That still wasn't enough to convince him. Finally, another girl who was there was like "You need to stop. You're getting all upset about who this girl dances with when you aren't together, and you're sitting here crying about it, and pulling <counts people in the room> SIX people away from the party! Get over yourself"

Finally the girl he liked came in the room, didn't know what was going on, and was like "What's going on?" So he tells her "You and <so and so> got something going on", and of course now she's getting frustrated. After she says some things to him, she leaves the room.

I saw her later, and went to talk to her. She was really frustrated with the way he was acting, and it was getting her mad. Understandably. And even later in the night, I happened to look outside, where I saw him moping back into the house, and her walking the other way from him. I went to go talk to him to see what was going on. He was crying over her, and he said that she had told him he was ruining the relationship between her and her friend (the guy he thought she had something going on with). So finally, at this point, I just had to tell him, "Look, you two have nothing going on. There's nothing for you to be so worked up about man. It's cool if you like the girl, and want to ask her out, but she doesn't answer to you. You can't build **** up in your mind so big like that, cuz it's just gonna lead to this"

He's young. His intentions are in the right place. But he became obsessive over it. And you can't do that. Trust me. I've learned. The hard way. I've been there. It's not a good place to be.

 

[Erzengel]

After your friend left, I would have put the moves on her and definitely would have done the whole patented "What are we going to do about this?"

 

[AndThePickles]

I'm just scared of being hurt. I've been burned by my previous relationships (they were online, but whatever). Burned bad. And I don't want to be again, especially since the damage from all that has only really been healed for a few months. I know that it's likely I may be in that position again someday down the line, I'd just rather not be at this point in time. If he broke things off, I'd be hurt. Not devastated and unable to go on, but I'd be sad and unhappy. I like spending time with him. And I don't want the good times we've been having to stop because of something I did that could have been preventable.

I have pretty low self-esteem. From the first day of Kindergarten until some point in high school, I was bullied and called names pretty much every single day. Something like that has an effect on a person. For me, I assumed that if so many people thought something it must be true. And so I've never felt good enough. For guys, for my friends, for anyone. So in my mind I have to do everything the best I possibly can or he'll realize that I'm not and I'll wind up back where I was.

I know I may have dug myself into a hole here. But how do I un-dig it? And how do I learn to relax about all this?

You are also digging your own hole around yourself. Some tough love here - everyone is afraid of getting hurt, and many, many people suffer from low self-esteem. Heck, I did for the majority of my life. Let me tell you from personal experience: only YOU can make a change. One day, I hope that you will have enough of letting people walk all over you and take charge of the way that you view yourself. You're holding yourself back.

 

[twylight]

Listen to everyone above.

But here's a hint: just because you've know this guy for a long time (and you've been friends for a long time right? Seriously, this thread needs cliff notes at the beginning of each new one), doesn't mean you share every, single one of the emotions/fears you have about him, yourself or your relationship with him.

Having been in a few 'Friend-To-Boyfriend' relationships myself has show me that, even if you're 'best friends', sharing your fears to him about the relationship/your own personal hang-ups within the few months of establishment doesn't help. You should have other areas of support.

That second text message should have gone to a friend, not to him. Not yet anyway.

Don't make the guy go 'Wow, she's clingy!' or 'I wonder if she *really* wants this.'

And if you do feel the desperate need to emote these feelings, do it in person not via text messages. OH and never send two text messages in a row until you're 'established'. Always wait for the person to respond.

 

[Erzengel]

To add to what ATP said or to skew it a lot, we are human beings put ourselves in a situation where the person we essentially add to into our lives for love and companionship can be the biggest source of hurt and pain that you can feel.

If you are constantly scared about being hurt by someone, don't get into a relationship, because it's always going to be a risk. Some relationships work out, some don't. But don't kid yourself that you can control everything because you can't.