A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[Hound55]

Pretty much.

Not everyone works at the same speed, and people who do work slow when young don't always stick to that speed with experience and once they get a taste.

What I'm reading is sending up more red flags of "Hup... virgins!" than "Yeah... he's cheating on you".

 

[SpideyVille]

The entire situation seems really, really strange to me. To the point where it's throwing red flags. I hate to say it, but I have to wonder if he's seeing another woman and is just hanging out as friends with Angel :/ Intimacy is natural, and it's extremely bizarre to just sit next to each other on the couch all night if there is mutual attraction.

Yeah, I mean thinking back to some of the other stuff we've heard, like about how his ex was trying to enter his life again and he was considering letting Angel go for her really makes me think that he might not really be all that into her. I mean, he told her about his ex and what he was thinking, which is already something you wouldn't do if you really liked someone. Plus, he's using the experience excuse, meaning he doesn't think it will work out in the long haul. I almost wonder if he wanted to go back to the ex but she didn't and that's why he decided to stick with Angel. Plus, its the holidays and no one wants to be alone. Maybe I'm just looking at the worst case scenario, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case.

Heck, I have a friend who's told me she done a whole lot of things with a guy just while they were on the couch watching history channel documentaries together.So you figure something should've happened with Angel unless both are too scared and don't know what to do, which in that case means that there needs to be some type of communication going on.

 

[AndThePickles]

The fact that things are going slowly isn't putting up red flags, it's the lack of communication as to what's going on.

Yeah, I didn't mean just the going slowly...it's the entire situation that throws a red flag.

Pretty much.

Not everyone works at the same speed, and people who do work slow when young don't always stick to that speed with experience and once they get a taste.

What I'm reading is sending up more red flags of "Hup... virgins!" than "Yeah... he's cheating on you".

He wouldn't be cheating as they aren't in a relationship. I think that it's possible that he's dating more than one person simply due to the lack of communication, slow response time to when she communicates to him, and lack of intimacy. I don't want him to just be keeping Angel around as one of his options that he isn't really into. I hope that isn't the case, though.

 

[Erzengel]

I would consider them as "dating" not in a relationship.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I think he's overthinking this whole thing. There isn't a set time to wait for things to happen. Things usually just happen on there own. Something should have happened the other night. You guys were close and his arm is around you. He just doesn't seem experienced in knowing what to do.

I briefly thought of making a move while we were sitting like that, but I wasn't sure it was what he wanted, and to be honest I was kind of into the movie

Well just go at a pace that's comfortable for you. This guy keeps coming back so I don't think you have to worry too much about him not liking you suddenly.

The lack of comfortable communication bothers me though. He says he doesn't want to mess things up for you and doesn't believe that you won't resent him if he messes up your "firsts." He's uncertain as to how fast or slow to move with you and he doesn't ya know, ask?

My bf knew I was a virgin. He wasn't, and so he'd ask and we'd talk things through. Not rocket science.

My first bf was a virgin as I was. Neither of us knew how to take it to the next level, so we never ended up at the next level. Literally. We were in limbo for the last half of our relationship. Not just sexually, but in everything else. Never moved in together, never really tried out new things. It was the same old same old. The day we broke up, we finally discussed our future and he asked, "Do you ever see us getting married?" And no, I didn't. He met his now-wife a few years later and married her a year after he met her. He saw a future with her, but we didn't know what we wanted when we were together.

With my current bf, we've been through a lot together and we've always talked it out so everything's in the open and there are absolutely no misunderstandings. He sucks at long-term plans, but I can see us being together for a long time and taking it as a it goes.

If someone in the relationship doesn't have the courage to ask, you may never get what you want. I fear you could end up in utter limbo like my first bf and I.

I don't really know how to communicate those sort of things. Because I've never had to before. I mean, my online boyfriends and I discussed kissing and sex, but not at length. And I'm afraid to actually ask because I don't want him to think I'm too pushy. I'm not so much worried about scaring him off anymore, but I don't want to hurt what we have going on either.

And I have no idea how fast or slow to move either. I don't know what the "protocol" is. I don't know what's too fast and what's too slow, and I don't want to make a move to try things he doesn't want to try. I don't know what he wants. He's impossible to read sometimes. He's said some things that could be construed as he wants more, but then again those words could be read a whole other way. It's frustrating. And I sure as hell don't want to end up in limbo. I definitely want things to move forward, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to cause things to move forward. My mom keeps telling me to wait for him to kiss me, but to be completely honest I'm starting to get a little impatient. And I'm worried that impatience will lead to a mistake.

 

[Hound55]

If he's wary of not wanting to rush things with a virgin, I would think he'd be aware of how attached said virgin is likely to be and whether or not she's likely to view it as a relationship.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

If he's wary of not wanting to rush things with a virgin, I would think he'd be aware of how attached said virgin is likely to be and whether or not she's likely to view it as a relationship.

Well, I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone unless we were in a committed, official, monogamous relationship anyway. That may not necessarily be true of every man I'll ever sleep with, but the first time, yeah.

 

[AndThePickles]

If he's wary of not wanting to rush things with a virgin, I would think he'd be aware of how attached said virgin is likely to be and whether or not she's likely to view it as a relationship.

This is unfortunately another potential issue. Angel unfortunately has done multiple things that come off as extremely clingy/already very attached (not blaming you, my dear, and I know it wasn't on purpose, but it's true). That could easily have caused him to be VERY hesitant as to whether or not he wants to pursue a physical relationship with her.

 

[Anita18]

He wouldn't be cheating as they aren't in a relationship. I think that it's possible that he's dating more than one person simply due to the lack of communication, slow response time to when she communicates to him, and lack of intimacy. I don't want him to just be keeping Angel around as one of his options that he isn't really into. I hope that isn't the case, though.

That sounds exactly like my own bf when we were first dating. Granted, at least I wasn't super-into him at first and was taking it one step at a time and didn't worry about anything. A friend of mine went right out and asked if he was seeing other women - I replied I didn't know, but it didn't bother me. Her reply, "Well, that's good."

I don't believe he was, because he took off his Plenty of Fish profile shortly after we met, and I didn't take mine off until a few months later. But even if he was, obviously I beat out the others.

I don't really know how to communicate those sort of things. Because I've never had to before. I mean, my online boyfriends and I discussed kissing and sex, but not at length. And I'm afraid to actually ask because I don't want him to think I'm too pushy. I'm not so much worried about scaring him off anymore, but I don't want to hurt what we have going on either.

And I have no idea how fast or slow to move either. I don't know what the "protocol" is. I don't know what's too fast and what's too slow, and I don't want to make a move to try things he doesn't want to try. I don't know what he wants. He's impossible to read sometimes. He's said some things that could be construed as he wants more, but then again those words could be read a whole other way. It's frustrating. And I sure as hell don't want to end up in limbo. I definitely want things to move forward, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to cause things to move forward. My mom keeps telling me to wait for him to kiss me, but to be completely honest I'm starting to get a little impatient. And I'm worried that impatience will lead to a mistake.

There's no protocol. You just ask. And with guys, usually the simplest interpretation is exactly what they mean.

And if you never ask because you're scared to ruin what you currently have, you'll never develop the relationship further than what you currently have. For the record, I took the initiative and kissed my first bf, but never could broach the subject of sex. So that is what it is.

 

[Anita18]

This is unfortunately another potential issue. Angel unfortunately has done multiple things that come off as extremely clingy/already very attached (not blaming you, my dear, and I know it wasn't on purpose, but it's true). That could easily have caused him to be VERY hesitant as to whether or not he wants to pursue a physical relationship with her.

To be fair, at this point he likely knows what he's getting into. If he's staying now, he'd be an idiot to expect something different once things develop.

 

[AndThePickles]

At this point, I just feel frustrated for Angel I want this guy to kiss her!

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I'll have to bring that up to my bf next time I see him. "Hey you didn't try to make out with me when we'd watch stuff together! (On my bed, natch!) You must have been seeing someone on the side!"

Then again, my bf IS extremely awkward and didn't want to make things too uncomfortable for me. Now I can barely get his hands off me.

The fact that things are going slowly isn't putting up red flags, it's the lack of communication as to what's going on.

Did he wait 2 months for that first kiss though?

Angel, I think if you want things to happen you're going to have to make them happen. Show him you're not afraid of making the relationship more physical. You've got to ignore all your worry and nerves and just go for it. The first time I kissed my girlfriend, it was in the middle of the sidewalk, towards the end of our second I was walking her to a cab and just knew I wanted to kiss her, we were holding hands and I just drew her in case and did it. I've never been one for PDA's, but decided to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

 

[Anita18]

Did he wait 2 months for that first kiss though?

Angel, I think if you want things to happen you're going to have to make them happen. Show him you're not afraid of making the relationship more physical. You've got to ignore all your worry and nerves and just go for it. The first time I kissed my girlfriend, it was in the middle of the sidewalk, towards the end of our second I was walking her to a cab and just knew I wanted to kiss her, we were holding hands and I just drew her in case and did it. I've never been one for PDA's, but decided to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

I don't remember. I actually think so. But this is because we only saw each other once every few weeks for the first half-year. Yeah, we're weird.

My bf's not one for PDA either but he first kissed me outside the parking garage when we said goodbye. It REALLY took me off guard because we hadn't even held hands yet or had any real physical contact beyond the friendly greeting hug. My very first thought was, "Hmm, this is an interesting development..." Not exactly the reaction you want your girl to have, but it was more than anything else! So the progression is still important. I obviously liked him enough that I didn't dump him over such a botched move. At least it makes for a funny story now.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

There's no protocol. You just ask. And with guys, usually the simplest interpretation is exactly what they mean.

And if you never ask because you're scared to ruin what you currently have, you'll never develop the relationship further than what you currently have. For the record, I took the initiative and kissed my first bf, but never could broach the subject of sex. So that is what it is.

I don't even know what to ask or how to ask. Or if I even should ask. Because after one of my failed attempts (story in spoiler tag), he said I was "blowing against the breeze". I had no idea what he meant, so he explained it like this: This mother and her child go to a store. The child sees a beautiful doll on a shelf and asks her mother for it. The mother says no and they leave the store. The girl asks why and the mother says (essentially) "because you asked". A few days later they go to the store again, the girl stays silent. The mother buys the doll.

The story:

Spoiler

Ok, so before I went to his house a few weeks ago, I bought some mistletoe and TicTacs (I had eaten something with garlic on it). Everyone looked at me like I was buying condoms.

Anyway, my plan was to ask him for a glass of water at some point during the evening and while he was gone, hang up the mistletoe and when he returned be all "Mistletoe? How did that get here? " But he's observant. He could tell something was up and kept asking me what was up. I kept saying nothing, but I cracked eventually and spilled the beans. Somehow the conversation turned to "blowing against the breeze" and that's when he told that story. But he did say it would have been cute had I done that. And that was the same night he admitted he has feelings for me. So it was an odd night.

 

[Anita18]

I don't even know what to ask or how to ask. Or if I even should ask. Because after one of my failed attempts (story in spoiler tag), he said I was "blowing against the breeze". I had no idea what he meant, so he explained it like this: This mother and her child go to a store. The child sees a beautiful doll on a shelf and asks her mother for it. The mother says no and they leave the store. The girl asks why and the mother says (essentially) "because you asked". A few days later they go to the store again, the girl stays silent. The mother buys the doll.

The story:

Spoiler

Ok, so before I went to his house a few weeks ago, I bought some mistletoe and TicTacs (I had eaten something with garlic on it). Everyone looked at me like I was buying condoms.

Anyway, my plan was to ask him for a glass of water at some point during the evening and while he was gone, hang up the mistletoe and when he returned be all "Mistletoe? How did that get here? " But he's observant. He could tell something was up and kept asking me what was up. I kept saying nothing, but I cracked eventually and spilled the beans. Somehow the conversation turned to "blowing against the breeze" and that's when he told that story. But he did say it would have been cute had I done that. And that was the same night he admitted he has feelings for me. So it was an odd night.

Sooooo...he's basically telling you that you should wait like a good demure girl until he feels like doing something. Which may be never because he doesn't know how to ask for things with you. Alrighty then.

Geez this guy sounds as dense as the girls other SHHers talk about here!

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Sooooo...he's basically telling you that you should wait like a good demure girl until he feels like doing something. Which may be never because he doesn't know how to ask for things with you. Alrighty then.

Geez this guy sounds as dense as the girls other SHHers talk about here!

And then when I sneakily asked his opinion on girls making the first move either a few days before or after, he said that he'd appreciate if a girl made the first move because then he'd know he wouldn't have to be the one initiating everything. See? Mixed signals! I have no idea what he's thinking or what he wants.

 

[Erzengel]

Maybe it's me, but what's with all the mistletoe stuff?

I mean you guys were watching a movie, his arm was around you. I'm sure your lips were like a foot and a half apart. Catch his gaze and move in.

 

[Erzengel]

Geez this guy sounds as dense as the girls other SHHers talk about here!

Well to be honest, I think the girls that other SHHers are talking about are usually not interested in them.

 

[Hound55]

Males and this topic... Bloody hell...

Is there some kind of federal castration program that the media is covering up in your country or something..?

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Maybe it's me, but what's with all the mistletoe stuff?

I mean you guys were watching a movie, his arm was around you. I'm sure your lips were like a foot and a half apart. Catch his gaze and move in.

I just thought it was a cute/clever way to get a kiss without seeming like I was begging or anything. Plus, I've always fantasized about getting a kiss under the mistletoe.

Like I said, I would have done something then, but I wasn't sure he'd want that and I was into the movie.

 

[Hound55]

And then when I sneakily asked his opinion on girls making the first move either a few days before or after, he said that he'd appreciate if a girl made the first move because then he'd know he wouldn't have to be the one initiating everything. See? Mixed signals! I have no idea what he's thinking or what he wants.

Read it as "I'm cool with you making the first move, because I'm a big gutless wienie."

 

[Erzengel]

I just thought it was a cute/clever way to get a kiss without seeming like I was begging or anything. Plus, I've always fantasized about getting a kiss under the mistletoe.

Like I said, I would have done something then, but I wasn't sure he'd want that and I was into the movie.

You know what they say about the best laid plan of mice and men?

Keep it simple.

 

[Anita18]

And then when I sneakily asked his opinion on girls making the first move either a few days before or after, he said that he'd appreciate if a girl made the first move because then he'd know he wouldn't have to be the one initiating everything. See? Mixed signals! I have no idea what he's thinking or what he wants.

Frankly I'd just take the initiative. If he's teasingly coy in one moment and open the next, I'd presume that he'd be perfectly all right with having a girl make the first move. Teasing is just that - joking around and teasing.

And if he recoils or otherwise calls you out on it, dump him. Not worth the headache in utter lack of communication. Especially if you're confused and worrying about it this early in the game. It doesn't get any easier when there's more at stake.

There was a guy in college who I suspected had a crush on me. He was cute, so I crushed on him too. But he'd tease and tease and never be serious about anything (mixed signals galore), so I figured that he wasn't that into me and moved on. I saw him again at my 5-year reunion, and I suspect he still has something for me. But then he should have, ya know, said something in the 6 years I was single.

 

[AndThePickles]

I don't even know what to ask or how to ask. Or if I even should ask. Because after one of my failed attempts (story in spoiler tag), he said I was "blowing against the breeze". I had no idea what he meant, so he explained it like this: This mother and her child go to a store. The child sees a beautiful doll on a shelf and asks her mother for it. The mother says no and they leave the store. The girl asks why and the mother says (essentially) "because you asked". A few days later they go to the store again, the girl stays silent. The mother buys the doll.

The story:

Spoiler

Ok, so before I went to his house a few weeks ago, I bought some mistletoe and TicTacs (I had eaten something with garlic on it). Everyone looked at me like I was buying condoms.

Anyway, my plan was to ask him for a glass of water at some point during the evening and while he was gone, hang up the mistletoe and when he returned be all "Mistletoe? How did that get here? " But he's observant. He could tell something was up and kept asking me what was up. I kept saying nothing, but I cracked eventually and spilled the beans. Somehow the conversation turned to "blowing against the breeze" and that's when he told that story. But he did say it would have been cute had I done that. And that was the same night he admitted he has feelings for me. So it was an odd night.

This frustrates me, because he comes off as very condescending in it. Like, seriously? How in the world did he manage to find a way to chastise you for doing something sweet and thoughtful? I agree, that goes directly against what you told us he said about appreciating initiation. This guy is all over the place.

 

[Anita18]

This frustrates me, because he comes off as very condescending in it. Like, seriously? How in the world did he manage to find a way to chastise you for doing something sweet and thoughtful? I agree, that goes directly against what you told us he said about appreciating initiation. This guy is all over the place.

If a guy had said that story to me, I would have slapped him. No lie.

Well okay, in reality I would have given him some extremely judgmental side-eye. If I didn't have willpower I would slap him.

I'm not a child, don't treat me like one!