A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[Optimus_Prime_]

Knowing myself, I'd get attached. Plus, I can't picture doing anything with her because she's really not my type and I'm not even attracted to her. Like I have no feelings for her whatsoever other than being grateful for her being there to talk to me.

I mean none of this is abnormal behavior. You don't have to be ga-ga over a girl to fool around a bit here and there. I can't argue against your self-knowledge, but I'd also remind yourself there is no need to get attached. I tend to be worried about the girl getting attached, those are the kinds of people you should avoid. If someone seems attracted to you though there is no harm in trying things out. In retrospect there were a lot of girls I passed on I shouldn't have.

But its like as soon as she tried to talk to me about herself, my mind was already in other places and I couldn't wait to get away.

Maybe you're just a male thent:

Seriously though, this is pretty normal. I chanced upon the Kardasians over the weekend and about ten seconds later I was thinking "ya'know, I know everyone thinks the divorce was fake but man, I'd get two months in and probably be saying 'My f***ing G*d! I would LOVE it if you would just SHUT THE F&%$ UP for five minutes!".

Take the most beautiful woman in the world and some guy is sick of her sh**, and of course, this goes both ways. So it's okay to be a little picky, but also play the field a bit. You really deny yourself a lot of learning if you don't. I have a 'type', yes, but the other side of that is I don't know every 'type' so I'm willing to try some other things at the buffet. That willingness to try or the openness to just have this wait-and-see attitude is an attractive trait. Crass as this may sound letting her in a bit might open up opportunities with people you're more attracted to.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Speaking of women with unusually high expectations, there's a woman at another forum I post at who asked what to do about an engagement ring her fiance gave her that she thinks is ugly and nobody knows is an engagement ring because it's so weird. This apparently bums her out A LOT, to the point where she cried about it. This apparently bums her out even more than the fact that the ring is so unusually built, it actually hurts her to wear it.

I want to slap her.

I mean, it would be one thing if the ring REALLY did hurt that much to wear and snagged on everything (which apparently it does, but was merely a secondary consideration and there are ways of getting around that, namely not wearing it as a ring), but the focus of her post was that not even her mother was excited about the ring and she thinks it's ugly and wants to change it so everyone will ooh and ahh over her big rock.

I hate that type of woman, the woman who's only in it for the ring.

Ugh.

 

[Erzengel]

Anita, did she post a picture of her ring?

 

[LOBO3315a]

I never got my X wife an engagement ring. If she didn't know how much I cared about her after 2 years in an over-seas long distance relationship, an artificially price inflated hunk of glass-like material set on a metal band wouldn't have helped.

 

[SpideyVille]

LOL I've gotten drunken texts from guy friends and it never means anything. But they're always funny because drunken bad-grammar texts are always funny.

Yeah, I thought it was funny because she wrote "I just wa Ted to say hello." It almost sounded the way I'd picture a drunk person saying it.

But I only wonder if it means something because I just wonder if in her drunken nature, her inhibitions were removed and she finally contacted me because she wanted to but felt like she couldn't before.

As you can tell, I know nothing about what people do when they are drunk.

I mean none of this is abnormal behavior. You don't have to be ga-ga over a girl to fool around a bit here and there. I can't argue against your self-knowledge, but I'd also remind yourself there is no need to get attached. I tend to be worried about the girl getting attached, those are the kinds of people you should avoid. If someone seems attracted to you though there is no harm in trying things out. In retrospect there were a lot of girls I passed on I shouldn't have.

Well I only say I'd get attached because I've never done anything physical with a girl before and I know I'd most likely end up falling for them at the slightest sign of affection. Like I said with the last girl, I was pretty down at the time and she seemed interested so I figured why not go after her. But we never got physical, even though I started to like her way too much than I should have.

Plus, I've always been the kind of person to look for a relationship instead of a random hook-up. I recently realized that its because my dad was a bit of a player (I have several siblings from different mothers because of him) and I always vowed to not be like him, which has probably hurt me in terms of actually being physical with girls, hence why I become the "nice" guy.

Maybe you're just a male thent:

LOL, that's the same thing I told myself after I wrote it. Like I finally understand why some men feel that way after being in a relationship.

Seriously though, this is pretty normal. I chanced upon the Kardasians over the weekend and about ten seconds later I was thinking "ya'know, I know everyone thinks the divorce was fake but man, I'd get two months in and probably be saying 'My f***ing G*d! I would LOVE it if you would just SHUT THE F&%$ UP for five minutes!".

Take the most beautiful woman in the world and some guy is sick of her sh**, and of course, this goes both ways. So it's okay to be a little picky, but also play the field a bit. You really deny yourself a lot of learning if you don't. I have a 'type', yes, but the other side of that is I don't know every 'type' so I'm willing to try some other things at the buffet. That willingness to try or the openness to just have this wait-and-see attitude is an attractive trait. Crass as this may sound letting her in a bit might open up opportunities with people you're more attracted to.

Yeah, I've realized that I've been pretty "picky" at times in terms of who I go after. But in this case, its kinda like what we say about girls and how "the friend zone" is code for "I don't want to see you naked", which is what it was like with this one. It's like I would be much more hesitant with her than other girls just because I don't get any feelings from her.

 

[steintym]

Some guys just don't get hints. The men in my life (my bf, my father) definitely don't. They have to be told full-stop and directly what we want. They're very considerate and accommodating, just not very astute. In fact, my mom, my sister, and I constantly have bets now over how non-astute my dad is.

I'm personally not banking on an engagement ring at all. I already told bf how much I hate big rings. Hopefully he gets THAT hint. He did get the "I hate cut flowers" statement.


LOL I've gotten drunken texts from guy friends and it never means anything. But they're always funny because drunken bad-grammar texts are always funny.

I think too many guys probably think they can just go in and pick a ring out, what's the difference, right? God knows I didn't realize there were so many options for the metal, cut, color, etc. I'm glad I did a little investigating.


Drunken bad-grammar along with the autocorrections on most phones can lead to some awesome messages.

 

[steintym]

Also, you'd be surprised how catty some women can be about critiquing other people's rings.

Absolutely! The comparing, critiquing, contrasting, etc gets ridiculous. The first thing my wife's Aunt did was hold her own ring up to my wife's and let out a little "hmmm". Still don't know if that was good or bad (although her Aunt can be a real *****).

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well I only say I'd get attached because I've never done anything physical with a girl before and I know I'd most likely end up falling for them at the slightest sign of affection.

Yeah? Well, really there is nothing to worry about. Sex really doesn't have to change your emotions. In fact, there is part of it that's just sort of a let down. The first time you do "it" you're going to have two thoughts: "That felt really good" and "That's all that was". I mean don't get me wrong, sex is great, but it's hardly the end all be all of existence. Even great mind-blowing sex you feel for days. You have an innate physical addiction to sex, don't confuse that with an innate physical addiction to that particular person. That may or may not exist, and if it isn't there now, it won't be there after either. In fact, you'll probably have the opposite happen where you'll be like "thanks for that, but I'm done with you". I'm not advocating this per say just illustrating that you shouldn't be afraid that sex will change your emotions. It certainly doesn't have to, that's all up to you.

In my experience it's routine sex that causes problems. There are a lot of guys who will just keep going with the same chick because, hey, the sex is free, and finding someone new takes a lot more work so pretending to like this person works a lot better.

Like ATP says, there's never any necessary committment when you're fooling around. I'm not saying this can't get sticky. Don't ever be that naive, but also recognize who is in control: that's you.

LOL, that's the same thing I told myself after I wrote it. Like I finally understand why some men feel that way after being in a relationship.

Since you mentioned your Dad, it might be informative for you to talk to him about being a player. Being a player sucks, because there is no off switch. That inner confidence is like a magnet. My mind is blank when I talk to women, just blank. I have no preconceived 'game' and quite honestly it's a bit like that scene from Old School where Will Ferrell blacks out in the debate. I hold people's attention very, very well, and I'm actually rather soft-spoken, and very seldom lose my sh**. Girls annoying you is always a good sign, and really the way it should be, because you want them investing emotional energy in you. A lot of girls want to break that 'cool', and so that's why it works.

Yeah, I've realized that I've been pretty "picky" at times in terms of who I go after. But in this case, its kinda like what we say about girls and how "the friend zone" is code for "I don't want to see you naked", which is what it was like with this one. It's like I would be much more hesitant with her than other girls just because I don't get any feelings from her.

Look, no sexual attraction = friend zone. 100% with you.

There is a lesson here though. Let's assume the girl is straight up unattractive, which is fine, I'm picky too. Do you have to sleep with her? No. It works both ways though. You don't have to sleep with anyone. Isaac Newton didn't, I don't value him any less because of it.

Going forward with that example, was there something wrong with Isaac Newton? If Isaac got turned down, I'd call that woman foolish. You just turned down the man who invented calculus.

Truthfully though being 'friends' is not a bad thing, it's also not a contract that states you will never have sex. In fact friends frequently bump uglies somewhere down the line, it just happens sometimes.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah? Well, really there is nothing to worry about. Sex really doesn't have to change your emotions. In fact, there is part of it that's just sort of a let down. The first time you do "it" you're going to have two thoughts: "That felt really good" and "That's all that was". I mean don't get me wrong, sex is great, but it's hardly the end all be all of existence. Even great mind-blowing sex you feel for days. You have an innate physical addiction to sex, don't confuse that with an innate physical addiction to that particular person. That may or may not exist, and if it isn't there now, it won't be there after either. In fact, you'll probably have the opposite happen where you'll be like "thanks for that, but I'm done with you". I'm not advocating this per say just illustrating that you shouldn't be afraid that sex will change your emotions. It certainly doesn't have to, that's all up to you.

In my experience it's routine sex that causes problems. There are a lot of guys who will just keep going with the same chick because, hey, the sex is free, and finding someone new takes a lot more work so pretending to like this person works a lot better.

Yeah, this was another thing I wanted to avoid because I think its what happened to my brother. He was just like me growing up except he met a girl his freshman year in college, had sex with her a few times since we lived next to the campus. He was so glued to her afterwards and now I feel like he ]ended up getting stuck with her since they had two kids together. They've been together for 14 years and finally got married this past September, but there were a few years where I didn't think they were together for love, but for the kids, especially after this one year where I'm pretty sure he was cheating on her after they started living together with her and the kids.

Since you mentioned your Dad, it might be informative for you to talk to him about being a player. Being a player sucks, because there is no off switch. That inner confidence is like a magnet. My mind is blank when I talk to women, just blank. I have no preconceived 'game' and quite honestly it's a bit like that scene from Old School where Will Ferrell blacks out in the debate. I hold people's attention very, very well, and I'm actually rather soft-spoken, and very seldom lose my sh**. Girls annoying you is always a good sign, and really the way it should be, because you want them investing emotional energy in you. A lot of girls want to break that 'cool', and so that's why it works.

Well my dad walked out after I was born and he only comes to visit once a decade, which is why I never wanted to be like him. But its interesting what you say about girls annoying me because there have been a few who have done that, but its always the girls that I'm myself around since I'm not attracted to them and feel no pressure to impress. But ironically, I've realized these past few months with my rise in confidence and self-esteem that if I wanted to, I could've actually been like my dad and had a lot of luck with girls had I not had the mental blocks that I did for so long. Whenever people see me and hear that I've never had a girlfriend, they are completely surprised and can't believe it, so there's something about me that says I should already have better luck.

Of course now I realize that in order to get what I want in a relationship I have to work on what I can give and offer a girl in terms of security, support and comfort, so that's been my main focus for improvement now and why I'm still a little hesitant to ask a girl out. I mean I'm pretty broke at the moment and I know it won't be an endearing quality for a girl to date a guy who can't even take her out.

Truthfully though being 'friends' is not a bad thing, it's also not a contract that states you will never have sex. In fact friends frequently bump uglies somewhere down the line, it just happens sometimes.

Yeah, I've mentioned how I mostly have female friends now and I'd be lying if I didn't think about doing something with the more attractive ones. Heck I have this one friend who if she wanted to do something with me, I would gladly welcome it. But I kinda messed that up when I first met her last year because I was in a different place back then and intentionally friend zoned myself with her. So now we're good enough friends that she tells me about how she went and slept with this one guy over the weekend or something. But at least now I know not to do that with the next girl I meet.

And it kind of reminds me of something someone told me once where they said a guy and a girl can't be good friends without one of them having an attraction to the other. Doesn't have to be sexually, but still something that draws them to that person. And its kind of been true with me. The best female friends I've had are the ones that I was attracted to.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I'm going to totally have to thank SuperMike335!! for ALL the ***** I'm currently knee deep in. He totally needs to go all Charles Atlas and make a beach based cartoon advertisement of his methods appear in modern comic books so all the Suck-Ups who read them while drooling at their female friends (who they spend all night *********ing to the thought of) can read it and learn the real way a man must be.



Or y'know, they could realize that getting your dick wet isn't the only goal one should have, and that while Mike is correct that being too accommodating towards women just gets them to not respect you, there's a difference between being an ******* and being assertive.

Obviously you cannot keep a relationship alive if you are full tilt 100% ******* and uncaring.

Some of my points sometimes border on hyperbole. That point is shake the paradigm many guys are stuck in here, where too many of them are making the biggest mistake like obsessing over a girl, and being sucks ups and too eager to please.

They care too much about the outcome of pleasing the girl, and this hamstrings them. Since that is the more common problem, I encourage guys to show more testosterone. (by that I don't mean rutting like a bull or getting into fights or eating the glass bottle your beer came in)

I have yet to see a guy come on here lamenting about his girl problems due to displaying too much testosterone.

 

[Poeman]

I hate that type of woman, the woman who's only in it for the ring.

Ugh.

Okay you dont know anything then about most women and their love for engagement rings.

I clearly think the guy that woman is with did not do enough research in what is appropriate for a engagement ring.

Not only is it special between those two individuals...But her peers do notice the ring. It is something women look forward to all their life

I'd suggest that people advise this girl to have a conversation with her fiance about getting a replacement due to the ring feeling right. It's really no big deal to do so...

Guys barely know jack **** about engagement rings

 

[steintym]

I agree, I think engagement rings are important to a lot of girls, not just the greedy, materialistic ones. Getting that ring is almost a life event itself.

And to be honest, I also really wanted to pick out something nice because I knew it would be judged and analyzed to death. I didn't want my buddies who alreay bought rings to think I was a dumbass. (Of course, I wanted her to love it, too)

 

[Erzengel]

It's not exactly rocket science.

4 C's. Cut, Clarity, Color, Carat.

There are some women who it's really not that important. I had an ex who would have accepted a cubic zirconia. Anita said she didn't want anything extravagant.

But for some women, it is important and they shouldn't be faulted for that. I mean, if you want a Xbox and someone got you one of those video game systems that already have built in games that you just plug into the av cable slot? This is something that they are suppose to wear on the hand for the rest of their lives. They should be happy with it.

And everything in reason in terms of salary. A guy shouldn't go into massive debt to purchase a ring.

 

[Poeman]

I agree, I think engagement rings are important to a lot of girls, not just the greedy, materialistic ones. Getting that ring is almost a life event itself.

And to be honest, I also really wanted to pick out something nice because I knew it would be judged and analyzed to death. I didn't want my buddies who alreay bought rings to think I was a dumbass. (Of course, I wanted her to love it, too)

That is the key...My gf hints about the type of cut and style she wants in preparation for the day I get one.

 

[Poeman]

It's not exactly rocket science.

4 C's. Cut, Clarity, Color, Carat.

There are some women who it's really not that important. I had an ex who would have accepted a cubic zirconia. Anita said she didn't want anything extravagant.

But for some women, it is important and they shouldn't be faulted for that. I mean, if you want a Xbox and someone got you one of those video game systems that already have built in games that you just plug into the av cable slot? This is something that they are suppose to wear on the hand for the rest of their lives. They should be happy with it.

And everything in reason in terms of salary. A guy shouldn't go into massive debt to purchase a ring.

Think of it this way...The way a most men love their car is the way most women love their engagement rings.

It is a luxury.

 

[Erzengel]

My sister was a jeweler for a time, so I was fairly familiar with jewelry. When I first started looking, I checked out local Jewelry places and even some of the Islands. In the end, one of my friends married a gemologist and I had him make a custom ring for her. I also got an incredible deal, as I got it all at cost.

 

[Poeman]

My sister was a jeweler for a time, so I was fairly familiar with jewelry. When I first started looking, I checked out local Jewelry places and even some of the Islands. In the end, one of my friends married a gemologist and I had him make a custom ring for her. I also got an incredible deal, as I got it all at cost.

My gf's family is in the jewelry business...She has assured me I will not get ripped off whenever the time comes lol

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Of course now I realize that in order to get what I want in a relationship I have to work on what I can give and offer a girl in terms of security, support and comfort, so that's been my main focus for improvement now and why I'm still a little hesitant to ask a girl out. I mean I'm pretty broke at the moment and I know it won't be an endearing quality for a girl to date a guy who can't even take her out.

Really there`s nothing wrong with this but I caution you about focusing too much on becoming the perfect boyfriend. Girls like financial security and all but at the same time that`s not what they become emotionally attached to. Why be hesitant now? I mean your goal of self-improvement is admirable but there's no reason you can't have fun too.

Even though you don't live in the jungle your mind still lives in the jungle to a large extent. Really society has expectations of you but these things are not what makes people attracted to you. Look at how many slackers live off their girlfriends or how many women put up with perennial losers. Confident people are insanely comfortable in the moment. They may move forward or change but they're not nearly as predictable and methodical about it. So I really make 'loosening up' the main priority. You clearly take things very seriously which is really what people sense. Cracks are always more interesting.

Yeah, I've mentioned how I mostly have female friends now and I'd be lying if I didn't think about doing something with the more attractive ones. Heck I have this one friend who if she wanted to do something with me, I would gladly welcome it. But I kinda messed that up when I first met her last year because I was in a different place back then and intentionally friend zoned myself with her. So now we're good enough friends that she tells me about how she went and slept with this one guy over the weekend or something. But at least now I know not to do that with the next girl I meet.

And it kind of reminds me of something someone told me once where they said a guy and a girl can't be good friends without one of them having an attraction to the other. Doesn't have to be sexually, but still something that draws them to that person. And its kind of been true with me. The best female friends I've had are the ones that I was attracted to.

It's the elephant in the room. Outside of relatives there are very few women with whom you cannot have sex with. Nature and evolution seem to frown on sex with close relatives and parents, at least as far as we're concerned. As for wanton sex with everyone else, yeah have at it. There really actually isn't much hard evidence to suggest monogamy is our 'natural inclination'. Doesn't really matter if it is, I could theoretically have sex with any number or particular girl just by the roll of the dice. Or I could be snuffed out tomorrow.

However there are girls with whom I'm not really asking who are very hot. This comes from not really seeing friendship as defeat. See the 'friend zone' doesn't reaaaaaalllly exist. Not for me at least. In other words if I wanted sex, made it clear or felt I did, I cease to really keep that person around unless perhaps I valued our friendship, but then I still want to see her invest in that friendship instead of just me. She should demonstrate she 'wants ME!' So if she calls me back, or posts on my wall, I'll certainly give her the time of day but I won't lavish attention on her until she "comes around".

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Okay so here is my basic game. I won't link you to any site, this is just personal experience, ramblings and a bit of research.

Humans have brains and brains aren't so advanced that we aren't still very similar to animals. In fact our self deception may work against us really. We're inherently social creatures. We definitely engage in a lot of hierarchy building and we have 'signals' that come off as dominant and those that come off as submissive. So there is a reason certain types of people rise to power. There are exceptions, but exceptions aren't the rule. It struck me heavily when I met Bill Clinton, who is notorious as a womanizer, that he had an aura about him. His confidence was so on display. I remember thinking he was ten feet tall and not a single hair was out of place, but that really probably wasn't the reality.

The way he talked to really struck me because it too was effortless.

I also met Tom Brady earlier this year and he had a completely different personality but that same sort of aura where he just commanded the room. I've always believed there are things that are simply universal to humans in their interactions, so to help my struggle with people I really set out to figure out what this were. I won't claim to have figured it all out, but I've figured out some things.

As far as basic interaction skills (which is all I feel like writing about in this post) goes, here are some things to watch for if you are doing or not doing. These things are things you do naturally when you're confident, so it's good to have some outside perspective for when you are relaxed and confident. The more you know the longer and more often you can summon feelings of confidence in social situations.

First thing before talking to a woman you should make eye contact. The trick is DON'T BREAK FIRST. Never. Make her break first. When someone wishes to display confidence and exert a lead in a conversation they must make the other one break first. The other thing is keep a relaxed expression when making eye contact. Do not smile wide, keep everything subtle, relaxed and comfortable.

When you begin talking to her maintain solid eye contact, but make sure you move a bit, shouldn't be dramatic just something to not seem rigid. Being overly expressive on first impressions (e.g. Overly friendly, overly sad, overly happy) is a killer. Being relaxed and having a good, even disposition is a good place to start.

When she talks back then you can start scanning the room slowly after breaking eye contact. You have to listen, of course, but you can momentarily and slowly break eye contact. Always up and away, as opposed to down. What you're doing here is drawing her attention. She's still going to talk, if anything she may try getting you to look back, but hey, that's a good thing. You wanted her to pay you some attention.

In the short run when you're trying to attract someone it's important to make them follow you a bit because that will open up opportunities and it will alert you as to how interested they are. Always remember she isn't the only one who needs to be impressed, you're worth something too!

Keep any responses short and to the point, but not curt or rude. This may come off as robotic at first, but I encourage being conservative in speech because it'll force you to use only your best thoughts and opinions instead of talking people's ear off. Make sure what you say contains a point, and, as I say, I think my suggestion helps that.

This doesn't mean be UBER-PC because what I mean when I say 'best thoughts' is really most heart felt. In other words hit the highlights not the details.

These are little things I know, but they are very effective really with men or women, even if sex has nothing to do with it. I would also try to shed yourself of fear. There's something to having a bit of a devil may care attitude even if you're highly responsible. Spontaneity and unpredictability are not necessarily traits that make you dangerous because you can pick and choose when you express that side of yourself. So make sure you save any of the formality, fake smiling and 'pleasantries' for formal, pleasant occasions and loosen up when you're trying to socialize with women. I know that sounds obvious but so many people miss it so often.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I agree, I think engagement rings are important to a lot of girls, not just the greedy, materialistic ones. Getting that ring is almost a life event itself.

And to be honest, I also really wanted to pick out something nice because I knew it would be judged and analyzed to death. I didn't want my buddies who alreay bought rings to think I was a dumbass. (Of course, I wanted her to love it, too)

I get that, but then there are those women out there who only care about "how big a rock" it is.

I understand the importance of an engagement ring, and I certainly wouldn't chump out on any future fiance of mine, but there's a difference between loving the ring and what it represents, and loving the ring and how big and shiny it is.

 

[ComicChick]

i think that my future fiance (wherever he may be haha) will be happy to know that i'm not big on gold and actually prefer silver (and it's cheaper yay)

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

The movie Hitch is really very accurate. The concept is glamourized for Hollywood but still very solid advice.

My sense in terms of long term changes focus on figuring out what your priorities are. They might have their priorities all wrong but they have figured out what they are. Part of what makes nerds unattractive is some are highly obsessive in things that seem backwards, rather than exercise healthy interest. This is the difference between having one Bob Fett in your living room and a million toys. If you give all this love towards Star Wars some people read that as a lack of priorities. Those are over expressions make people feel confined and cornered.

Some of this extends to your sense of style. Hitch says in the beginning quite aptly "you can't be something you're not". You can't undo the hundred times you watch Transformers, or made it so you never bought all those G.I.Joes -- it just won't happen. You always play to your personality. You're shy, play shy. You're friendly, play friendly. With your interests you really should think of fun, subtler ways to display them. If you're cool you simply have a style. Subtle accents, like a vintage Star Wars shirt or a statue in the living room make good conversation pieces. When they're not overpowering they give the observer nothing else to talk about. You can't help but notice some massive Transformer collection. You want people to inquire about you without knowing the answer ahead of time. Your flair should match your passion. If the display is over the top you need the personality to match.

 

[bullets]

i think that my future fiance (wherever he may be haha) will be happy to know that i'm not big on gold and actually prefer silver (and it's cheaper yay)

I dated a girl who would of been happiest with an opal engagement ring. Shame that didn't work out.

 

[Anita18]

Anita, did she post a picture of her ring?

She couldn't find a product link of exactly what it looked like, but described it looking like costume jewelry with a butterfly in the middle made of mother-of-pearl and diamond chips, and that's what people assumed it was - costume jewelry. She posted for us a pic of a butterfly-themed ring she would have loved, and it basically 4 diamonds shaped like butterfly wings. It was a lot more traditional and bridal looking than what she described her own ring as.

It's not exactly rocket science.

4 C's. Cut, Clarity, Color, Carat.

There are some women who it's really not that important. I had an ex who would have accepted a cubic zirconia. Anita said she didn't want anything extravagant.

But for some women, it is important and they shouldn't be faulted for that. I mean, if you want a Xbox and someone got you one of those video game systems that already have built in games that you just plug into the av cable slot? This is something that they are suppose to wear on the hand for the rest of their lives. They should be happy with it.

And everything in reason in terms of salary. A guy shouldn't go into massive debt to purchase a ring.

Right. Anything shiny is good. Even if I have an aunt and a few friends who may be able to tell the difference between a cubic zirconia and a real diamond, they wouldn't be crass enough to criticize it to my face. And really, the more expensive the ring, the LESS likely I'll wear it! I'd rather have him spend the money on something more useful to me.

And I've never seen my mom's engagement ring. I don't even know if she got one. She wears her simple wedding band.

Of course now I realize that in order to get what I want in a relationship I have to work on what I can give and offer a girl in terms of security, support and comfort, so that's been my main focus for improvement now and why I'm still a little hesitant to ask a girl out. I mean I'm pretty broke at the moment and I know it won't be an endearing quality for a girl to date a guy who can't even take her out.

But you don't have to be already-perfect to be in a relationship. In fact, I think some people find that intimidating.

Most sane, intelligent people know that working toward something is attractive. If you're already perfect, you have nowhere to go.

Plus perfection is unattainable anyway. You might wait until your 40s or 50s until you get to a point where you feel 100% "ready" for a relationship according to your definition.

Humans have brains and brains aren't so advanced that we aren't still very similar to animals. In fact our self deception may work against us really. We're inherently social creatures. We definitely engage in a lot of hierarchy building and we have 'signals' that come off as dominant and those that come off as submissive. So there is a reason certain types of people rise to power. There are exceptions, but exceptions aren't the rule. It struck me heavily when I met Bill Clinton, who is notorious as a womanizer, that he had an aura about him. His confidence was so on display. I remember thinking he was ten feet tall and not a single hair was out of place, but that really probably wasn't the reality.

The way he talked to really struck me because it too was effortless.

The rest of this post is way long, but I'll add a little to this.

I've talked with people who've met Clinton as well and describe his charisma as making you feel like you're the only person in the room, even if you're in a giant line of people who only have 30 seconds to meet him. He looks into your eyes, listens 100% to what you have to say, like you're really the only person in the room. And when he moves to the next person, he glances at you again to solidify the moment that you met. He doesn't treat you like a number - he's very good at remembering names and places and occasions and such. The way he does it is absolutely effortless. He seems like he's truly interested in you and not putting on a front.

Giving 100% of his attention and making you feel special and being genuine about it? No wonder why women love him.

My bf is a really good looking guy, IMO, but he kept on getting friend-zoned when meeting girls online. He is like, the anti-Clinton. He barely maintains eye contact and sometimes looks like he's zoning out when you're talking. I know he's still listening because he always asks pertinent questions about what I'm talking about, but he certainly doesn't look like he's paying any attention.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I say this with all respect, but you NEED to simply detach yourself from your brother.

By that I don't mean refuse to communicate with him, IF he tries to get a hold of you. But do not go out of your way to placate him. He is essentially trying to get you to do what he wants, or control you.

The reason is that refusal to communicate IS a textbook form of being an abusive sociopath.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/12/communication-and-functional-sociopath.html

So what kind of levels are there of being a sociopath?

Because, I've been doing some research into it - a lot of the behavior descriptions fit my brother, but I also know that my brother is nowhere even close to some of the extremes I've read about, of being a murderer or physical abuser or anything. He doesn't partake in any illegal activities, he is not physically abusive towards -anyone-, me, his wife, his kids, anyone.

But he does match other behaviors, so are there like, low levels of antisocial personality disorder that just effect a person's relationships?