A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[LOBO3315a]

I don't want to post in here and say, there's how many women on this planet and question why some people here are having such a hard time, because I understand dating is hard. And trying to find someone compatible. Even harder.

I know some people here have extenuating circumstances but some of the excuses as why they aren't dating, when it almost seems they want a relationship gift wrapped and left under the tree.

Yep, that fits me. Not too many people wanna get with me when they find out I'm taking care of my mom. So I've just decided to put the whole relationship thing on hold, and just have lots of sex.

With my hand.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Yep, that fits me. Not too many people wanna get with me when they find out I'm taking care of my mom. So I've just decided to put the whole relationship thing on hold, and just have lots of sex.

With my hand.

At least your hand won't cheat.

 

[SpideyVille]

Totally agree, once I started improving myself I found dating wasn't quite as hard. I started to feel a girl was lucky to be dating me because I had a lot to offer.

I haven't actively pursued a girl in a while, but I used to have a lot of trouble talking to girls just because of confident issues. I even let a few walk all over me, but now I feel the same way. I know I still have my issues and kinks to work on, but I think any girl would be lucky to just know me because I'm a great guy. And that kind of thinking has really helped me brush things off more easily as opposed to getting all depressed because one girl doesn't like me.

And to be fair, sometimes you really just have a string of bad luck and meet people that totally aren't worth your time. The key is to know the difference as to who is the one that really needs to work on themselves.

 

[steintym]

Yep, that fits me. Not too many people wanna get with me when they find out I'm taking care of my mom. So I've just decided to put the whole relationship thing on hold, and just have lots of sex.

With my hand.

Nothing wrong with that ...

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I know you guys said not to text two times in a row, but I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now and needed someone to talk to. And they were 3 hours apart. No reply. Think he's asleep. Or he might not be. Honestly I'm too upset right now to worry.

 

[SpideyVille]

I personally draw the limit at three, but they can't be in the same day.

 

[Anita18]

I know you guys said not to text two times in a row, but I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now and needed someone to talk to. And they were 3 hours apart. No reply. Think he's asleep. Or he might not be. Honestly I'm too upset right now to worry.

Well we're here, you know. If he's asleep he won't be much help.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

He just replied a little while ago. He's at a friend's house. I feel bad for interrupting but gah, I'm a mess. Star Wars Galaxies just shut down and I'm not handling it well.

 

[Mrs. Sawyer]

I don't want to post in here and say, there's how many women on this planet and question why some people here are having such a hard time, because I understand dating is hard. And trying to find someone compatible. Even harder.

I know some people here have extenuating circumstances but some of the excuses as why they aren't dating, when it almost seems they want a relationship gift wrapped and left under the tree.

Exactly. If you want something, you have to work for it. Relationships are no exception.

He just replied a little while ago. He's at a friend's house. I feel bad for interrupting but gah, I'm a mess. Star Wars Galaxies just shut down and I'm not handling it well.

It's about time. SWG was such an awful game.

Look on the bright side: you'll be playing a much better star wars mmo that isn't crap eventually.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I know you guys said not to text two times in a row, but I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now and needed someone to talk to. And they were 3 hours apart. No reply. Think he's asleep. Or he might not be. Honestly I'm too upset right now to worry.

Next time talk to someone else. If you haven't been physical don't talk to them about your sh**. Definitely don't call them, or text them, especially in light of what we told you before. This is where you screw up. This guy is just another guy until you "consummate" the relationship somehow (really you should even let that happen a few times). If he's not your boyfriend he really doesn't want to talk to you when 'you're a mess'.

 

[AndThePickles]

He just replied a little while ago. He's at a friend's house. I feel bad for interrupting but gah, I'm a mess. Star Wars Galaxies just shut down and I'm not handling it well.

I thought that the game already shut down months ago? Not asking about this to be rude, but you've already gained national renown for being upset about that game. Is it really something this guy is gonna feel like dealing with? If he cared, he would have texted you back sooner, IMO.

I worry that you are (not intentionally) making yourself unattractive to this guy before you've had a chance to truly date. He may be polite about it, but he's a man- he wants to engage in sexual activities. It doesn't have to be sex yet, but at least kissing and some groping. So far he's gotten nothing sexual from you, just emotional messes. That's worse than friend zoning, because he may not even want to end up being friends. Everything you're going to him with you should be talking to a girl friend about.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Never dump emotional issues on somehow who has good reason to walk away from them.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, I agree. When some girl complains to me about her problems on a constant basis, I kind of find it unattractive because she seems to just be a complete mess. And we're not involved or committed or anything, it definitely gives me less of a desire to want to go forward with it.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Seriously Angel, have you no parents' or close friends/relatives to talk to when you worry? I have a therapist, it works wonders. I can tell him all my nonsense, and he's paid to sit there and take it, so I'm not shooting myself in the foot with someone else. You're placing a pretty high cost on a physical relationship, you think he's gonna pay it? Yeah, seriously, I'd go either A) find a person in your life to vent at who won't walk away or B) hire a therapist. Otherwise you're going to keep pushing guys like him away.

Understand that if you take a relationship too seriously, too fast, it causes a lot of tension. When you sleep with someone you're taking on their baggage, whether you want to or not. If I'm this guy I'm not just comtemplating how bad I want to f*** you, I'm contemplating whether I want you as "that person", and whether I want you playing that role in my life. Right now, you're communicating to him that you're a handful. That this one act of sex is going to make you cling to him like a wet towel. If he wants that, that's one thing, but my guess is he's not. So unless you f***ing relax, it's not going to happen.

 

[steintym]

If I started dating a girl, wasn't getting any action of any kind but was getting hit with emotional shrapnel ... I might be inclined to head for zee hills.

He might hang in there for a bit, but I would tread lightly.

 

[The Guard]

Angel,

First, the "don't text more than twice a day" thing is nonsense. Just don't text someone who isn't texting you back, and don't text really emotional stuff to them, and try not to whine about your problems via text, because those things should never be handled via text. It's fine to say "I had a bad day, and explain why, just don't go on and on about it.

I second the therapist suggestion. Obviously you have some anxiety that you're dealing with. People on here are largely saying "You can't be an emotional mess" around a guy, and that's correct. Most guys will be incredibly turned off by clinginess and anxiety. Partially because a lot of people simply don't want to, or cannot, or don't know how to, handle that kind of emotion from someone. And saying that you shouldn't feel that way is all well and good, but you also have to be able to process the emotions and feelings you're still having. And I don't think people just telling you not to worry about stuff is going to solve that. You talk about having low self esteem, and I'm guessing there's some insecurity there to deal with.

Are you, or have you considered seeing or talking someone, a counselor or therapist that you could talk about your concerns with? It can be particularly helpful when dealing with relationships. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, just that you may need another perspective to help you figure some things out. I (like many here, I suspect) had some of the same issues you're referring to, and I see one sometimes as well, and it can be a very nice resource to have. It's certainly helped to make me a more well rounded, secure person.

Constantly complaining about issues and worrying is definitely a turn off. That said, a guy who won't at least listen to your problems on some level, provided they are legitimately problems, probably isn't worth your time if you actually want to date him. It's true that a lot of men want something physical, but you seem to be in this for dating purposes, period. And getting to know someone, and their issues, is a part of dating, even casual dating.

 

[Erzengel]

I usually refer to the 1st year of dating as good date behavior.

You kinda have to fight your compulsive behavior, nuances, and mannerisms until you can find someone and then unload everything.

 

[steintym]

Exactly Erz - When my wife and I were just dating, I don't think we even had a serious argument for the first six months.

Different story now - Haha

 

[SpideyVille]

But isn't that one of the most common complaints by people (mostly women) in relationships that last a long time. Like you'll often hear women complain about that "honeymoon" phase where the relationship is perfect and no problems arise until later on when both become more comfortable and don't feel the need or the pressure to impress the other. But by that point, you either love each other so much that it doesn't matter, or you can't see yourself with someone else so you just stick together until something changes.

 

[Erzengel]

A good relationship is when someone overlooks your flaws and cares for you despite them.

There's also a difference between being comfortable in a relationship and taking it for granted.

 

[steintym]

It's a little unrealistic to expect a relationship to stay in a "honeymoon" like state.

Even though some of the warts, flaws, disagreements, etc. might start coming out, there's also a lot of positives that come with that relationship growing.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Next time talk to someone else. If you haven't been physical don't talk to them about your sh**. Definitely don't call them, or text them, especially in light of what we told you before. This is where you screw up. This guy is just another guy until you "consummate" the relationship somehow (really you should even let that happen a few times). If he's not your boyfriend he really doesn't want to talk to you when 'you're a mess'.

I disagree with this completely. I believe this is a really shallow way to handle emotional connection and support - to wait until after having sex. IMO, sex should be the outcome of having an emotional connection and support. Otherwise its very easy to have the mindset of merely "putting up with" emotional stuff for the sex.

If the you/he/her/they are not willing to be emotionally there for you, then they don't deserve you to be "physically" there for them.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

The 'Honeymoon phase' is really just basic people skills. First year seems long to me but there is an extended period of time when being generally positive and handling your own problems is important. You can think of it a bit less figuratively. It'd be like asking a girl you hook up with to pay some of your bills the next morning. It's not that you necessarily hide feelings or act like someone else, more that you understand that until you're 'established' and have history that certain things simply don't involve them.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I disagree with this completely. I believe this is a really shallow way to handle emotional connection and support - to wait until after having sex. IMO, sex should be the outcome of having an emotional connection and support. Otherwise its very easy to have the mindset of merely "putting up with" emotional stuff for the sex.

If the you/he/her/they are not willing to be emotionally there for you, then they don't deserve you to be "physically" there for them.

If you aren't having sex, and I realize there are exceptions, then you are not that persons '____'friend. Simple as that. Until you're at the level you want out of that relationship it's simply inappropriate. It's like walking up to a stranger and yelling "well how do you think I felt!".

If you want people to desire you as an independent person you have to recognize the difference between 'your sh**', 'their sh**' and 'y'all's sh**'. You can believe that's shallow all you want, but really it's basic people skills. Until you're "established" (as Twylight said), 'their sh**' isn't 'my sh**'. As you know someone longer, and spend more and more time together eventually some of what was once 'your sh**' will become 'y'alls sh**'. There is no better way to show how naive and inexperienced you are with people then unloading emotional baggage long before it's appropriate.

Moreover, unless you landed on Earth yesterday, there is probably someone other than the one you're dating that can help you. You're better off going to them, than trying to force this new person into every aspect of your life. This especially goes for the not-so-fun and nasty stuff.

sex should be the outcome of having an emotional connection and support

There is a difference between sharing an emotional connection, and giving emotional support. Sex should never but some form of repayment for emotional support. You should have sex with someone because you love them, or because you find them attractive, not because they are an emotional crutch. Now you're circling back to the 'Nice Guy' problem. If I give my emotional support there ought be no outcome for that, because my emotional support shouldn't come with a price. If you think of sex as an outcome, instead of what it really is, an expression, then that's a bad thing.

 

[Spider-Who?]

If you aren't having sex, and I realize there are exceptions, then you are not that persons '____'friend. Simple as that. Until you're at the level you want out of that relationship it's simply inappropriate. It's like walking up to a stranger and yelling "well how do you think I felt!".

If you want people to desire you as an independent person you have to recognize the difference between 'your sh**', 'their sh**' and 'y'all's sh**'. You can believe that's shallow all you want, but really it's basic people skills. Until you're "established" (as Twylight said), 'their sh**' isn't 'my sh**'. As you know someone longer, and spend more and more time together eventually some of what was once 'your sh**' will become 'y'alls sh**'. There is no better way to show how naive and inexperienced you are with people then unloading emotional baggage long before it's appropriate.

Moreover, unless you landed on Earth yesterday, there is probably someone other than the one you're dating that can help you. You're better off going to them, than trying to force this new person into every aspect of your life. This especially goes for the not-so-fun and nasty stuff.

I'm not disagreeing with the idea of identifying when its appropriate to expect someone to be emotionally supportive. I'm arguing against your statement that two people can't be emotionally supportive of each other until they've had sex.