Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Who ARE these women? Seriously, they sound horrible.

Nearly every girl I've ever met.

I had one girl tell me she'd have slept with me if I weren't a virgin, but because I was, she wouldn't because she "didn't do virgins". I had a female friend tell me that she wouldn't sleep with me because "I did a virgin once, never again". Without mentioning my sexual history (or lack thereof), I had one girl (who I was interested in at the time - this was a double date I was on with her, and my friend with the girl who became his [horrible] girlfriend) say she could never sleep with a guy who had never had sex, because she wouldn't have to have to deal with it. I've had plenty of women saying they wouldn't mind being a girl on a guy's list, but they couldn't deal with being his "first". The only girls I've told that I'm a virgin to I'm either not interested in, or my ex-girlfriend, because I got the feeling that she was a rare girl that might actually be comforted by that fact. And I think she was.

Well I guess there is my one friend who knows I'm a virgin and says she'll take my v-card because she says it'll be good for my confidence, but she lives in a different state and we haven't made a trip to see each other yet.

I would never say anything of the sort.

Then we need to hang out lol, because you seem like the kind of girl, that even if you and I never did anything sexually or romantically, you wouldn't make me feel bad about the fact that it never happened.

And yes, I know girls like that. I have a good friend, who is in a very serious (and very happy) relationship. I've told her that if she were single, I'd be the first guy in line to date her, and she responded positively to it, feeling flattered by the fact that I felt that way about her. She also never got weird with me about the fact that I told her that, and our friendship has continued on like normal as if nothing had ever happened.

She's the one girl that I've told I could be interested in that getting get all weirded out by that fact and make me feel like crap for her not liking me back.

If I liked the guy the only thing that would turn that into a put off, would be the reason. Like if a guy was a virgin because he was waiting for religious reasons or something.

But if it's just a case of it just happening to have not happened yet, that's no problem to me.

I mean, my first time I was 20. And it was my first boyfriend (the eventually gay one), and he'd tried to dump 3 times but I was just adamant he was gonna be my first.

If it hadn't been him, I honestly believe there's a high possibility i'd still be a virgin now. Because everyone i've slept with since has only happened because I wasn't a virgin anymore, and none of them were the level of 'love' I required for my first time.

So it wouldn't be a problem for you if you met a guy who was a virgin because in his past, girls have historically been disinterested in him, he's never been able to hold a relationship or find a girl that wanted to have sex with him?

Cuz that's pretty much my situation Needless to say, I don't advertise that to women...

 

[Erzengel]

I think most will find that there's a good amount of women who'd be understanding.

BUT, I think there has to be some decent reasoning behind it.

The virginity issue aside, the question of the lack of a significant relationship may put off women more.

I wouldn't start off with any of those topics on the first few dates.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I think most will find that there's a good amount of women who'd be understanding.

BUT, I think there has to be some decent reasoning behind it.

The virginity issue aside, the question of the lack of a significant relationship may put off women more.

I wouldn't start off with any of those topics on the first few dates.

Oh yea, I never do.

It's only certain people that even know. Trusted friends.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah and to be honest, a lot of girls that I've spoken to in recent years have had the same reaction to hearing I was a virgin, which is that they think its cool and actually wish they would have waited longer than they did because the person wasn't worth it or they weren't ready or whatever.

But I do get offended when people treat me like I have some kid of sickness or something. Like I've never been in a relationship, but I don't want to do it with just anyone. I'd rather wait until I'm in a relationship and have some kind of commitment to the person, and I haven't really been focusing on a relationship lately because I've been trying to get other areas in my life in order first.

You're also 23. It's not unheard of.

But, you also live in NYC, not like there's a shortage of people your age around, so it does make it a little more strange?

My point is your have way more opportunity then say someone like Nave or Nell here.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Nearly every girl I've ever met.

I had one girl tell me she'd have slept with me if I weren't a virgin, but because I was, she wouldn't because she "didn't do virgins". I had a female friend tell me that she wouldn't sleep with me because "I did a virgin once, never again". Without mentioning my sexual history (or lack thereof), I had one girl (who I was interested in at the time - this was a double date I was on with her, and my friend with the girl who became his [horrible] girlfriend) say she could never sleep with a guy who had never had sex, because she wouldn't have to have to deal with it. I've had plenty of women saying they wouldn't mind being a girl on a guy's list, but they couldn't deal with being his "first". The only girls I've told that I'm a virgin to I'm either not interested in, or my ex-girlfriend, because I got the feeling that she was a rare girl that might actually be comforted by that fact. And I think she was.

Well I guess there is my one friend who knows I'm a virgin and says she'll take my v-card because she says it'll be good for my confidence, but she lives in a different state and we haven't made a trip to see each other yet.



Then we need to hang out lol, because you seem like the kind of girl, that even if you and I never did anything sexually or romantically, you wouldn't make me feel bad about the fact that it never happened.

And yes, I know girls like that. I have a good friend, who is in a very serious (and very happy) relationship. I've told her that if she were single, I'd be the first guy in line to date her, and she responded positively to it, feeling flattered by the fact that I felt that way about her. She also never got weird with me about the fact that I told her that, and our friendship has continued on like normal as if nothing had ever happened.

She's the one girl that I've told I could be interested in that getting get all weirded out by that fact and make me feel like crap for her not liking me back.



So it wouldn't be a problem for you if you met a guy who was a virgin because in his past, girls have historically been disinterested in him, he's never been able to hold a relationship or find a girl that wanted to have sex with him?

Cuz that's pretty much my situation Needless to say, I don't advertise that to women...

I think the problem here is more the virginity is something that matters to you, not them. So you're concerned with how they'd feel.

It's really a non issue.

Your first time I truly doubt anyone would find out. About the only thing they might notice is you being bad at it, but trust me, that's many *experienced* guys as well. I have bad days myself.

I think given your age (something like 27, right?), that yes, it's odd for you not to have had sex by now, but it doesn't make you odd.

I've gotten to travel outside the country, some people haven't, it's not really an 'issue' though unless a person makes it so, it would just be an area which me and a person who hadn't couldn't find much common ground.

If the virginity is the thing you're looking to end, just find some ****. You won't be a virgin afterwards and when you talk to the next girl, you won't have to pretend. However I think it's really something you should stop focusing on and talking about, specifically to girls, because it's not really up to them to *fix* it. If you want a relationship with sex, pursue one and then really the only time you have to worry about answering whether or not you're a virgin is if they ask.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I don't think it's so much being a virgin that bothers me, moreso the fact that it seems like I couldn't change that even if / when I try. And it goes farther than the virginity thing, and just the whole Ï can't get a girlfriend period" thing, but that's going down a much more ëmo" conversation that I'm not trying to go down right now.

But I have had numerous women say the things that I've said above, making it pretty clear to me at least that the virginity is going to be an obstacle if it became known. That's not a "me" issue when it's other people telling me that.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm sorry Nell if I keep going back to this, but the women you were referring to, how old were they? 18-21 year olds?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Honestly, if i could find a guy i like, who likes me, who has as much experience being single as me, and as much trouble finding anyone you click with on a relationship level as me... Then i'd feel like we were too peas in a pod.

Tbh, it's the guys who have been in long term relationships that intimidate me... Cause i feel like there are expectations of what a relationship should be that they bring with them... Whereas for me, starting a relationship now would be like a discovery of what i want from it and how i want it to be. I just don't wanna have to mold into someone elses ideal of one, or feel like i'm constantly being compared.

Give me a virgin any day of the week over that

 

[Erzengel]

You may have unrealistic expectations of what a long term relationship might be as well.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Speaking as someone who has had long term relationships, and equally long term bouts of being single, I would say that you're looking into it too much.

There are ALWAYS going to be expectations to some degree, regardless of ones dating history. You yourself have stated expectations.

Having a relationship is ALWAYS a discovery. You could be with someone for 10 years, and when you break up and start dating someone else, its as if starting from zero. That new person has a completely different set of expectations, desires, life choices, faults, etc. Most people who've been in long term relationships might be a little wiser about what works/doesnt work for them, which is only a good thing. It makes the sense of discovery with a new person even better. Of course, there are those instances where the long term relationship has hurt the person (myself included), making it difficult to start a new relationship. Point is, everyone is in the same boat when starting a new relationship, regardless of their past.

 

[The Guard]

Tbh, it's the guys who have been in long term relationships that intimidate me... Cause i feel like there are expectations of what a relationship should be that they bring with them...

Like what?

Whereas for me, starting a relationship now would be like a discovery of what i want from it and how i want it to be. I just don't wanna have to mold into someone elses ideal of one, or feel like i'm constantly being compared.

I think just the nature of two individuals working/living/growing together creates an atmosphere of discovery. Pretty much the only constants regarding relationships is that they involve work and a certain amount of compromise to keep them healthy.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I'm sorry Nell if I keep going back to this, but the women you were referring to, how old were they? 18-21 year olds?

Nope, women older than me have told me this as well, not just the youngins

 

[Erzengel]

Like I previously said, I think with a lot of women, it depends more on the circumstances.

 

[The Squirrel]

I don't think it's so much being a virgin that bothers me, moreso the fact that it seems like I couldn't change that even if / when I try. And it goes farther than the virginity thing, and just the whole Ï can't get a girlfriend period" thing, but that's going down a much more ëmo" conversation that I'm not trying to go down right now.

But I have had numerous women say the things that I've said above, making it pretty clear to me at least that the virginity is going to be an obstacle if it became known. That's not a "me" issue when it's other people telling me that.

Maybe you should get the date before you tell them your a virgin.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Maybe you should get the date before you tell them your a virgin.

Who says im telling potential dates that im a virgin?

Like I said in earlier posts, these aren't girls im trying to date that I tell im a virgin, and were not always talking about my specific virginity when these women tell me they'd never have sex with a virgin.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Honestly, if i could find a guy i like, who likes me, who has as much experience being single as me, and as much trouble finding anyone you click with on a relationship level as me... Then i'd feel like we were too peas in a pod.

Tbh, it's the guys who have been in long term relationships that intimidate me... Cause i feel like there are expectations of what a relationship should be that they bring with them... Whereas for me, starting a relationship now would be like a discovery of what i want from it and how i want it to be. I just don't wanna have to mold into someone elses ideal of one, or feel like i'm constantly being compared.

Give me a virgin any day of the week over that

I don't think relationship experience has much to do with it. I had much less relationship experience than my wife when we first started dating. It didn't have an effect on our relationship though. If a guy has expectations he thinks you have to meet, then he's not the right guy and carrying way too much baggage. You should grow together and discover how you click together, every relationship is different and has different circumstances. If you're being asked to fit a mold or constantly being compared, that person isn't over their ex.

 

[Anita18]

Honestly, if i could find a guy i like, who likes me, who has as much experience being single as me, and as much trouble finding anyone you click with on a relationship level as me... Then i'd feel like we were too peas in a pod.

Tbh, it's the guys who have been in long term relationships that intimidate me... Cause i feel like there are expectations of what a relationship should be that they bring with them... Whereas for me, starting a relationship now would be like a discovery of what i want from it and how i want it to be. I just don't wanna have to mold into someone elses ideal of one, or feel like i'm constantly being compared.

Give me a virgin any day of the week over that

I also agree that you're thinking too much about this. Each relationship is new, because your partner is new. My only other relationship lasted 1.5 years (which I think its pretty long-term given our ages), and it felt completely different than the one I have now. True, I'm older, wiser. But my fiance is also very different from my ex. We just have a different thing going on.

If guys who've been in long-term relationships have expectations of you, then that's their baggage. And it's pretty major baggage. Plain and simple. And considering those long-term relationships didn't work out, maybe they should consider doing things differently next time.

And if it's you who think any guy who's been in a long-term relationship has that kind of baggage, it's time to let that go and take things one guy at a time.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Just for curiosity's sake, what are we meaning here by "expectations"?

 

[Erzengel]

Well, not all expectations are bad.

I mean, I think most people expect some things in someone their are dating, for example, goals, beliefs, personality, etc.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

That's what I was thinking.

I certainly have some expectations of any girl I'm in a relationship with, one of those that she has expectations of me as well.

 

[Anita18]

The only expectations that would be dependent on someone's dating history is if they already had a steadfast view of what their partner should do. (Buy her flowers on her birthday, bringing breakfast to him in bed on the weekends, etc) Because that's how they've always done it. But many inexperienced people have those kinds of expectations as well. It all depends on the maturity level of the person.

 

[knowsbleed]

If you met an opposite sex version of yourself and are attracted to your opposite sex doppelgänger, would sex with her/him/it be considered incest... or a strange form of narcissism?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Thanks for all the advice guys

I didn't mean I would actively avoid men who've been in long term relationships before Of course, if it was the right person, i'd try and make it work.

I was just saying I can see more positives in inexperienced men, for me, than experienced ones, because when it comes to relationships i'm inexperienced myself and I think it'd be nice to find someone I have that in common with.

By 'expectations' I am talking about 'that's not how my other girlfriends did it' (and i'm not just talking about sex ).

I know not ALL guys are going to be like that, but the longer a person has been part of 'couples' rather than single, the more they know what they like and become sort of fond of doing it that way.

I mean, my friend just got into a relationship a month after her marriage failed... and I think she is already trying to turn this guy into a replacement for her husband, making him take part in the relationship in the way that she likes and expects from a partner.

And that would put me off a heck of a lot. Some people might like that. It's a sort of freedom from having to make any of the decisions... If you don't WANT to have the control and just want to insert yourself into someone elses life, then that kind of thing might be appealing.

But i've been single for way too long to just suddenly give someone else the reigns and let them dictate how the relationship goes. I need to be able to say 'I don't like how fast this is going' or 'I think we're seeing a bit too much of each other' or 'I'm not ready to go to that level yet'.

And I guess what i'm saying is that I just think it would be nice to be with a guy who was equally cautious and clueless, so that I wouldn't feel like I was being 'difficult' compared to all the other women a guys been with, or dissapointing him/making him paranoid by not being as ready for commitment as he is.

 

[knowsbleed]

It sounds like to me that you're worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. All of the things you pointed out that you're worried about would completely depend on the individual. You could meet someone who has never been in a relationship and just the idea of what that person thinks a relationship should be could be enough to drive you insane... at the same time, you could meet someone who has been in many relationships, and they could be one of the most open-minded individuals you'll ever meet...

... luck of the draw... and a good sense of an individual's character... those are the only things that will get you past those fears.

 

[SpideyVille]

If you met an opposite sex version of yourself and are attracted to your opposite sex doppelgänger, would sex with her/him/it be considered incest... or a strange form of narcissism?

It sounds weird when you put it that way, but I actually think its fairly normal. I was actually thinking of something similar recently because I was thinking about this one girl that I used to like and how of all the girls I've ever had a thing for, she was to closer to being my version of "the one", and it was mostly because I felt like we were two peas in a pod. We shared a lot of similar interests and hobbies, we both had some Puerto Rican descent in us but were still commonly mistaken for being Indian, and on most occasions, we would actually be confused for siblings of one another. We also had a lot of the same fears and insecurities, and whenever we would talk, it was like we never had to explain how we felt because the other knew exactly what the other was trying to say. I had joked at times that it really did feel like we were the same person.

I think its really normal for most people to find someone who reminds you of yourself because its easier to deal with then in some sense. For me, it was not so much about loving myself, but feeling like I found someone who could relate to me, and who I could relate to perfectly in a time where I felt very alone and different.