Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Anita18]

The tumblr I saw had numerous pages. I think I saw 5 pages let alone pictures.

And I don't see what's wrong with expecting a woman to keep her legs shaven. I would expect that a good woman would have certain basic hygienic expectations of me as well.

hmm

Um, shaving the legs isn't "basic hygiene." It's extra. I ONLY shave when I'm going to be wearing something that shows off my legs, and not just at the gym. This means when the temperature outside is over 85F, which it often isn't even in Southern California. I doubt my fiance even notices when I do or don't. I bet the guys at the gym don't even notice, and I wear capris there all the time. I haven't shaved my legs in months.

And is that how you define a "good woman?"

Women are not built like gorillas. Leg hair is not noticeable and stubbly like facial hair. Even though the hair on my head is black, you can't tell on my legs. No female friend I have shaves her legs year-round. IMO the women who do are probably by definition, high maintenance. If that's what you want.

 

[terry78]

^That's exactly what we want.

 

[Anita18]

^That's exactly what we want.

Only flies if you can make enough money to fund the high-maintenance lifestyle.

 

[Victarion]

Delete/

 

[Anubis]

I don't mind a little hair.

Just don't poop with the door open.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

i keep getting randomly banned from the vBulletin forums for undisclosed reasons... and then get back after 72 hours then gone again. That's one of the reasons why I haven't been around here lately. Anyway, could use some more good advice from all ya'll...

I've been seeing this girl for about a few months now and she seems to really care. We didn't do anything physical yet because ... well because i find that a bit too progressive in my culture. She pushed for it once but I told her no and she took it well (don't know what the hell i'm thinking!) but yeah... well the problem now is that she really is under the impression that we can be serious but i don't think i'm ready for any relationships at all right now. it was good for a few dates and i admit i'm attracted to her but i don't think i'm good enough to satisfy her emotionally -- she wants someone who's always there, who she can go out to parties with every weekend and spend time talking by the lake till it's too cold to stay there and i just don't think i can do that. I'm not the one who stays out so much. I'm not the one who can have fun in the things she does. But most importantly, I'm not the one who's there.

And I think that if she does get to know me better she'll just outright dump me for the loser I am and she's just holding on to me because there's that physical attraction.

So you can see what an ******* I've already been so far -- she wanted to take things to the next level by being physical, I turned her down. She wanted to take things to the next level by just spending more time together other than on weekends, I turned her down there too. Now she just seems frustrated and I feel bad about that because I've led her on, or at least that's how it seems. I've always been a goddamn recluse but at least in the past I was only hurting myself and not someone else. Even if she wants to take things slow and really make this work, which I think she is, I'm still convinced that at the end of the day I won't be enough for her and it's better to not get into anything too intimate -- not go beyond these few dates that we've been on. But I've mentioned this before -- the "dating culture" here is different and it isn't just people trying to maintain a level of distance and then moving onto something more meaningful, here you go out with people only after you've been real close and together.

I feel like an ass. And I would've been upfront to her about it but... and this is the bomb... I don't want to do that right now because there's this other girl (the same crazy one from a while back if you guys remember) who I had a massive crush on who turned me down, made me convince myself that there's really no one out there for a hermit like me whose idea of social interaction is "oh lets talk about [obscure issue from school, #5]" this other girl started talking to people about how i used to pine over her and that she feels like i'm the only one who's there for her.

The girl I'm dating right now specifically brought this issue up last week and asked if what the old girl was saying is true or not. I told her yes and no -- that yes I liked her... a bit too much, but no there's nothing between us at the moment. If I turn her down now she'll think otherwise and I really do care about how THIS GIRL WHO'S GIVEN ME SO MANY CHANCES feels.

The other bomb is that, just as the past catches up to ya, I learned how my date has had a wild past herself and that she dabbles in drugs and is the exact opposite of a recluse. She never bothered to hide that but we never really had to talk about that. "You never smoked pot?" She was surprised the other day. "No, you know I don't smoke." So like I said, it might be that she'll soon start to see how much of a loser I am and bolt.

Do I wait for that knowing she'll do it? Do I tell her upfront right now that this isn't going anywhere? Or do I wait and give us some chance and maybe I don't have to be alone for the rest of my life if she's there.

It's that weird place where you want to be in a serious relationship but afraid to commit. I'm sure many of you have been there. What's the catch? What does experience tell you there? Thanks guys.

PS (yes I finally did manage to get a date lol)

 

[Nave 'Torment']

maybe i should just be upfront about it and tell her that the reason I've been so distant is because I really can't do the things she expects me to. In other words -- like retell that entire post to her with some euphemisms thrown in or some ****.

 

[Erzengel]

With this other girl, maybe you shouldn't wait for a bus that's not coming.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

what other girl?

edit: the one from before? I'm not waiting on her at all, she's managed to wreck a lot of things and i don't think i trust her to be telling the truth when she talks. the reason i brought her up is because the girl i'm going out with now might get the idea that i'm letting her go because of girl #1, which is not the case at all

 

[The Squirrel]

Does an improv comedy show sound like a good idea for a first date?

 

[Anubis]

Sure. why not.

Nave, maybe you need to quit being a wussy. I mean that. Seriously.

 

[Boy Scout]

Nave, if you're thinking about breaking up with the girl, why does it matter to you what she thinks? If she doesn't believe the reasons you give her for ending it, that's her problem. It'd be one thing if you were gonna lie, but you're not.

 

[Erzengel]

Nave, I also have to say, this whole "down on yourself" attitude isn't going to win you points with anyone.

 

[Anubis]

Yeah, I don't even wanna bang you. And I wanna bang everybody.

 

[Anita18]

maybe i should just be upfront about it and tell her that the reason I've been so distant is because I really can't do the things she expects me to. In other words -- like retell that entire post to her with some euphemisms thrown in or some ****.

...did you ask her what her expectations are?

Cause yeah, my fiance and I are both introverts, but I'm less so than he is. I still go out sometimes, and if I think he's not going to enjoy it, I just don't take him along. I don't expect him to be my damn shadow, but I guess a lot of people "expect" to bring their SOs everywhere with them. But it's certainly not a guarantee. Everyone's expectation is different, and I'm sure most people would not making such an assumption if there was some more honest communication.

And as for being the emotional rock, once you get to know each other, talking by the lake until it gets too cold (WTF?) becomes a rarity. Usually you end up the way we are now - sitting next to each other on our respective computers doing our own thing. But if I need him, like when I'm sick, he'll be there. If you're not emotionally strong enough to do that, maybe you shouldn't be in a serious relationship. But it also needs to be pointed out, that once you care about someone a lot, you'll be surprised at the strength you do find within yourself when you're needed. When I was sick for pretty much a year (recovering from stomach flu, I was nauseous and weak), he was there for me. I bet he didn't think he was signing up for THAT when we started dating.

In a nutshell, yeah, you're being a wussy. You're digging your own hole here, I hope you realize that.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Sure. why not.

Nave, maybe you need to quit being a wussy. I mean that. Seriously.

Yeah, I don't even wanna bang you. And I wanna bang everybody.

Dude I know you're around here coz you do have some interest in reading what people are going through but a comment like that doesn't help me at all. I mean yeah you may be right but that's ****ing vague.

And yeah I don't want to bang you either, hell I'm actually trying not to bang her and I actually find her attractive.

Nave, if you're thinking about breaking up with the girl, why does it matter to you what she thinks? If she doesn't believe the reasons you give her for ending it, that's her problem. It'd be one thing if you were gonna lie, but you're not.

That's just it mate -- I do care what she thinks. And yeah people have stopped taking things at face value since Freud, I just don't want her to think I'm putting her down because of someone else. If you're talking about clear communication I think it is important that the other person gets what I'm trying to say.

Is that where I'm wrong?

...did you ask her what her expectations are?

Cause yeah, my fiance and I are both introverts, but I'm less so than he is. I still go out sometimes, and if I think he's not going to enjoy it, I just don't take him along. I don't expect him to be my damn shadow, but I guess a lot of people "expect" to bring their SOs everywhere with them. But it's certainly not a guarantee. Everyone's expectation is different, and I'm sure most people would not making such an assumption if there was some more honest communication.

The way I see it, it's more about my expectations than hers -- right now I don't expect to be in a relationship at all, I don't think I'm up for it. Not at the moment. I asked her what she expected in a relationship though yeah not where she wanted to go with us... yet. Doesn't that seem like a final conversation?

And it's not about being a shadow, it's about just being there. I can't be. I'm too bottled up and it'll take time for that to go around, something I can't expect her to wait around for. One of her expectations is to make things physical and I guess I'm not in any rush.

[QUOTE/]And as for being the emotional rock, once you get to know each other, talking by the lake until it gets too cold (WTF?) becomes a rarity. Usually you end up the way we are now - sitting next to each other on our respective computers doing our own thing. But if I need him, like when I'm sick, he'll be there. If you're not emotionally strong enough to do that, maybe you shouldn't be in a serious relationship. But it also needs to be pointed out, that once you care about someone a lot, you'll be surprised at the strength you do find within yourself when you're needed. When I was sick for pretty much a year (recovering from stomach flu, I was nauseous and weak), he was there for me. I bet he didn't think he was signing up for THAT when we started dating.

In a nutshell, yeah, you're being a wussy. You're digging your own hole here, I hope you realize that.[/QUOTE]

See, this helps, at least you're being clear on the why part.

But anyway, yeah like I said it's that part where she wants to take it further but I'm unsure whether I can. Till now there's just been "wussy" talks around the lake. I dunno maybe she just gets cold or something. But I feel like I should be having this conversation with her instead of everyone here.

I'm not asking for what I should do, I'm asking for how I'm supposed to do it. If I tell her I don't want to take this further she'll not believe me at the moment, if I continue this I'm probably being a jerk to her. If I keep being a recluse she'll probably just get bored of me and walk away. I don't know. Are there any other suggestions? I don't her getting hurt because of me but I think she will be.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Nave, I also have to say, this whole "down on yourself" attitude isn't going to win you points with anyone.

I get that. I'm not trying to win points here mate. I'm trying to get my ***** together and ending up running in circles.

 

[Anita18]

The way I see it, it's more about my expectations than hers -- right now I don't expect to be in a relationship at all, I don't think I'm up for it. Not at the moment. I asked her what she expected in a relationship though yeah not where she wanted to go with us... yet. Doesn't that seem like a final conversation?

And it's not about being a shadow, it's about just being there. I can't be. I'm too bottled up and it'll take time for that to go around, something I can't expect her to wait around for. One of her expectations is to make things physical and I guess I'm not in any rush.

I'm not asking for what I should do, I'm asking for how I'm supposed to do it. If I tell her I don't want to take this further she'll not believe me at the moment, if I continue this I'm probably being a jerk to her. If I keep being a recluse she'll probably just get bored of me and walk away. I don't know. Are there any other suggestions? I don't her getting hurt because of me but I think she will be.

Does you being bottled up actually bother her at all? Or does it bother you because you think it bothers her?

I think you're being ridiculously presumptuous (I'm literally here) and putting thoughts in her head where there possibly isn't any. There isn't a word in any of your posts that spells out what she thinks of you directly from her mouth. And the number one rule in relationship is RESPECT. You're not respecting her if you're putting thoughts in her head. Maybe she'll realize this soon enough and then bolt, but if you keep on acting like this, you won't keep even a girl that you like.

If you can't trust a girl to tell you exactly what she thinks (instead of extrapolating entire storylines over what you think she thinks), you're not ready for a relationship. Maybe that's what you want to hear.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

No but that isn't generalizing, it's common sense: if I can't go that far even physically, if I can't meet her expectations regarding just spending time together--which are the expectations of anyone in a normal relationship--she wouldn't be satisfied at all. How is respecting what she wants not respecting her?

She finds my being bottled up fairly amusing but that's because like I said we're still just getting to know each other. She's already become frustrated because of my introverted self, and I do want to change it but it'll take time--more than what I can ask her to wait around for. So yeah, the fact that I'm "assuming" she'll be dissatisfied with me isn't based on guess-work, it's there. I know what she thinks because she did tell me, what I'm "assuming" in any capacity is that she will think I'm turning her down because of someone else, which I'm not but that's what she'll think.

My question is, again, is there a way to end it without making her think that way? And I just realised the answer to that is probably with her, not here.

The way I see it, I could either a) tell her that it isn't going anywhere and let her think whatever she wants (which you're telling me to do but which I don't want to); b) wait it out till she bails herself (which I agree would be a wuss move); or c) be upfront about it, come out as a wuss, but at least set the record straight.

 

[Erzengel]

One of my first fears of dating was not being interesting enough.

Don't you think with her being a little extroverted that it might help you?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

what do you mean? like in that her being an extrovert would make it easier for her to take it?

It would certainly help but I don't think even the most extroverted individual is immune to emotional setbacks.

 

[Erzengel]

I mean her being extroverted would help you come out a little bit more.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Definitely. But my problems-- insecurities, whatever they are -- are things I need to resolve on my own. It's one of those "bad timing" things, should've thought about it much sooner but I was giving into my urges. It's fine. I'm going to be upfront with her. She'll understand.

 

[Erzengel]

How is it going resolving those issues? What have you done to help with your insecurities?

I mean, sometimes it's best just to do a sink or swim.

 

[Anita18]

My best friend had the best advice - getting rid of any insecurities isn't a requirement before getting into a relationship. The trick is to find someone understanding enough to help you deal with them.

If she doesn't understand the concept of introversion, or isn't open to learning about it, it will be difficult. My first bf was an extrovert who was socially awkward, and thus had introvert tendencies because of his insecurities. It wasn't because he was actually introverted like I am. The confusion of that made me insecure myself, and it wasn't a fun place to be.

Being an introvert doesn't mean you're not interesting. My fiance and I still go out to do interesting stuff out in the world - it's just few and far between. And there's the whole inner world thing.

Just because she doesn't understand right now doesn't mean that you have to give up on it totally. If you explain the whole introverted thing and she still thinks there's something wrong with you, then yes it's time to bail. But there are many introvert/extrovert relationships that work. You just have to be super-honest in your communication and needs.

I still think you're extrapolating this needlessly. Take it one day at a time, one conversation at a time, one issue at a time. Otherwise you won't be satisfied until you find the perfect girl and the perfect relationship, and that really is never going to happen.