Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[knowsbleed]

Separate toothbrushes too, very forward thinking.

 

[Erzengel]

We also got a new king bed, so it's almost like sleeping alone even with someone in bed with you.

 

[Anita18]

I don't usually stay in one position all night so I don't hold or can be held.

But sleeping next to someone, is just something you get use to. Although I sleep alone a few times a week because of different work schedules, I normally put the TV on when I am by myself.

My fiance is the same way. He likes to sleep on his side, away from me, so I'm the one that ends up the spooner. And then he ends up moving around a lot so the only thing we can do really, is hold hands.

Sleeping next to someone is something you get used to. Now that it's cold (according to me, because I'm cold all the time), I appreciate the extra body heat.

We used to sleep in a twin bed when we lived apart and visited each other. The double seems huge in comparison! I don't get the point of a king bed, since I'd end up taking it over in an attempt to cuddle/steal his body heat.

Cuddling is a whole lot more intimate than sex, though. I have a friend who used to have a FWB thing going on, but they didn't kiss each other or cuddle afterwards since it was too intimate. So it makes sense that hopeful is hesitant about cuddling after a one night stand, compared to being in a relationship.

As for The Squirrel's quandary, when I first started dating my fiance, he was also "just ok." I only really started to fall for him when we'd gotten past all the superficial stuff (he really does seem boring when you first meet him) and I could appreciate his deeper qualities. I can't imagine someone being a better partner. That said, if she doesn't get the message and doesn't listen to you, it's definitely best to bail! I just kept saying yes to my fiance's request for dates so all of this is partly my fault.

 

[Erzengel]

Actually, Erzette is a my own personal heater. Lots of body heat. Great in the winter. Not so much in the summer.

 

[Erzengel]

I think I've stated here before about at least have 2 dates with someone if the 1st one is just luke warm or you don't feel any connection. How many dates did it take for you Anita?

 

[knowsbleed]

Every woman I can remember sleeping with has had cold feet. I'm going to make it a prerequisite to make women let me feel their feet before sleeping with them from now on so that I can at least be prepared for their dead little feet to touch me while we're sleeping.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

If he was good looking.. How does the coyote drunk thing come in?

Just because a guys good looking, doesn't mean when you wake up in the morning with a stonking hangover and unable to remember his name, you don't feel that sinking sense of shame that makes you wanna get the hell out of there without waking them up.

I don't usually stay in one position all night so I don't hold or can be held.

But sleeping next to someone, is just something you get use to. Although I sleep alone a few times a week because of different work schedules, I normally put the TV on when I am by myself.

Yeah i'm a tv sleeper too... gonna be really hard if the guy I eventually end up with isn't.

Do you think couples can work sleeping in seperate rooms?

 

[knowsbleed]

define "work". I think the physics of that would be really difficult.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah i'm a tv sleeper too... gonna be really hard if the guy I eventually end up with isn't.

Do you think couples can work sleeping in seperate rooms?

It might be something you might enjoy doing, once you meet someone you connect with more.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Yeah i'm a tv sleeper too... gonna be really hard if the guy I eventually end up with isn't.

Do you think couples can work sleeping in seperate rooms?

My wife and I do this on a regular basis.

If she is moving around too much in the bed or something I kick her out to the couch or spare room.

Don't like being cuddled when I'm trying to sleep either.

I can really only take about 5-10 minutes of that, maybe a half hour snooze if I fall asleep after sex, where I'm on my back and she's on my side, but anything more than that I cannot take.

Overheat, and need to lay flat on my back to get decent sleep, and a light sleeper so I don't like to be touched.

I think sleeping in seperate rooms can be a good idea for a lot of couples.

Too much exposure can also kill the sexuality too. If a couple is "just not that into the mood anymore" - a good suggestion is for them to start sleeping in seperate beds.

Not only is it just fine to do, it can actually be a good thing.

 

[Anita18]

I think I've stated here before about at least have 2 dates with someone if the 1st one is just luke warm or you don't feel any connection. How many dates did it take for you Anita?

We had one date a month for a few months. I wasn't really looking too hard, and he wasn't otherwise objectionable, so I figured might as well keep seeing him.

I have turned down guys before after 1 or 2 dates, but they had already shown some objectionable qualities. Even when my fiance seemed boring, he was always very generous and supportive and confident. That really counts for a lot.

Yeah i'm a tv sleeper too... gonna be really hard if the guy I eventually end up with isn't.

Depending on your sleep schedule, it might work. My fiance likes to fall asleep with a podcast going. I don't need it to be super-quiet, but talking doesn't help, because I always want to actually listen. He sleeps WAY earlier than I do, so his podcast finishes before I go to bed.

 

[kane9321]

Ok my been with my fiancee for the past 3 years we've finally set the the marriage date this year(DECEMEBER)..awesome.Shes been going to church for awhile and is deeply..DEEPLY involved with the everyday workings of the church,shes even put up scriptures plastered to her bedroom walls(nothing wrong with that..right?).Around thanksgiving she said.." we should stop having sex because..sex before marriage is wrong..of course my reply WTF WTF. But the funny thing is we do other "sexual things" and thats not an issue.WTF AGAIN.This week my fiancee caught the flu and I go to her apt and bring her soup, cleaned the apt and bring her meds (good bf that i am) she drops a bombshell on me.she says" for the past 3 days ive been sick in bed and talking with god and he says we should stop with the "sexual things we do as well". SO UHM..NOW IM A TAD PISSED...THAT MAY BE THE DEALBREAKER..I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW

 

[Darthphere]

Ok my been with my fiancee for the past 3 years we've finally set the the marriage date this year(DECEMEBER)..awesome.Shes been going to church for awhile and is deeply..DEEPLY involved with the everyday workings of the church,shes even put up scriptures plastered to her bedroom walls(nothing wrong with that..right?).Around thanksgiving she said.." we should stop having sex because..sex before marriage is wrong..of course my reply WTF WTF. But the funny thing is we do other "sexual things" and thats not an issue.WTF AGAIN.This week my fiancee caught the flu and I go to her apt and bring her soup, cleaned the apt and bring her meds (good bf that i am) she drops a bombshell on me.she says" for the past 3 days ive been sick in bed and talking with god and he says we should stop with the "sexual things we do as well". SO UHM..NOW IM A TAD PISSED...THAT MAY BE THE DEALBREAKER..I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW

Did she always go to this church or is it something new? I only ask because this sounds a lot like something that happened with a couple of friends of mine. They started going to this church and they changed over night. It's almost cult like.

Either way, if she's literally talking about her having a full blown conversation with God, I'd be worried about that personally. I wouldn't even care about the no sex thing, just be worried about what God is telling her to do in these conversations.

 

[lixdexia]

invest in some lotion and tissues

 

[kane9321]

Did she always go to this church or is it something new? I only ask because this sounds a lot like something that happened with a couple of friends of mine. They started going to this church and they changed over night. It's almost cult like.

Either way, if she's literally talking about her having a full blown conversation with God, I'd be worried about that personally. I wouldn't even care about the no sex thing, just be worried about what God is telling her to do in these conversations.

Shes been an active member for the past 10 years. I went to her church for new years eve,,and uhm man...everybody had the holy ghost..(shes pentacostal) people were screaming an shouting..walking up and down the aisles,,a few people fainted then got right back up like nothing ever happened.

 

[knowsbleed]

The only thing you can really do is tell her how you feel about the situation and declare to her how important you think a physical relationship is as well as an emotional one. Explain to her your real issues with her, because if you don't tell her, she won't know. If your beliefs aren't the same as hers, you need to explain that as well. If she is intelligent enough to understand that your beliefs don't need to match in order for you to have a relationship, then you'll see a close minded side of her and at that point you might need to prioritize what you feel a partner should be.

 

[Anubis]

Oh man, that's gonna end badly.

Also on spooning, what's everybody's feeling's on the Hot Richard?

 

[lixdexia]

i'm for it

 

[Nave 'Torment']

so a lot has happened over the past few weeks... I got into a relationship with someone I've deeply cared for for a long time but was always afraid to commit further to; Established the slow rate at which I operate socially; broke them; made an idiot of ourselves in public; learned that this girl of mine had a lesbian past and was afraid to let it out; had someone else try to get between us and offered to be my "mistress" because "sex is a good thing" ; and...

most importantly...

finally just let her in. With all the fears of being unable to satisfy her and not being there and of getting hurt... I just. Let. Her. In. And I'm glad I did.

The fears are still there. But I'm okay with that.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Ok my been with my fiancee for the past 3 years we've finally set the the marriage date this year(DECEMEBER)..awesome.Shes been going to church for awhile and is deeply..DEEPLY involved with the everyday workings of the church,shes even put up scriptures plastered to her bedroom walls(nothing wrong with that..right?).Around thanksgiving she said.." we should stop having sex because..sex before marriage is wrong..of course my reply WTF WTF. But the funny thing is we do other "sexual things" and thats not an issue.WTF AGAIN.This week my fiancee caught the flu and I go to her apt and bring her soup, cleaned the apt and bring her meds (good bf that i am) she drops a bombshell on me.she says" for the past 3 days ive been sick in bed and talking with god and he says we should stop with the "sexual things we do as well". SO UHM..NOW IM A TAD PISSED...THAT MAY BE THE DEALBREAKER..I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW

Dump her.

No way around it, the withholding of sex WILL continue into your marriage. But for new reasons and excuses.

This is an excuse, and a self-righteous rationalization to withhold sex, as she subconsciously sees it as a chore with you.

Had you BOTH agreed to abstinence BEFORE committing to her in a long term relationship, then I would have a completely different opinion on this.

When one person decides to CHANGE things, into a situation you would not have agreed to beforehand, that’s a deal breaker.

I've seen this before, I don't wish you to have to go through the same.
Here is a little trouble shooting list, you don’t need to answer them out loud here. You already know the answers.

How often does she come to you for physical affection?

Sounds like you are used to waiting on her, does she do favors for you, other than sexual? Clean your place, laundry, cook etc… anything on those lines, without complaining?

When you are in a situation where your girl does NOTHING for you, or VERY little, comes to you less often for affection, and you do lots of things for her trying to appease her, and then she wants to cut back on sex, its OVER.

How were things during the sex you were having? – don’t need raunchy details, but how was her enthusiasm? Did she complain about things, the position, how you smell, your beard etc..? Seem at all uncomfortable? Ever just glance at the wall like she was somewhere else? – Don’t put up with that. Dealing with a woman who acts as if sex with you is a chore is degrading. Even if she does not "say" that, if she is showing it with body language and behavior, you need to pay attention to that too.

Sometimes a person loses feelings for a partner, and the other does not realize its over.

Let it go, let her go. I’ve been where you are before, about 6 years ago. I picked the WRONG girl to marry, and it was a disaster, and looking back on it I had plenty of options that would have treated me FAR better!

That should be your number 1 criteria, how does she treat you?

You got a chance to get out of this now without having to pay for an expensive divorce, heaven forbid a custody fight. – Get out while you can.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I never thought ideological or religious differences could be a major issue outside of what families think -- and something that might be brought up during a wedding or something -- but never beforehand.

but yeah conventional wisdom as it may be but nothing beats a good heart-to-heart. Communicate. Talk. I know how religion can be a big issue, trust me on this, people in my society gets ostracized BADLY for having different opinions or even interpretations on religion. But when it comes to relationships you do have something else driving beyond all those ideological perspectives. Nothing wrong with communicating that.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

hey Supermike! One of the most controversial posters from this side of crazy! Long time.

With me it's kinda the other way around -- she's really had traumatic experiences physically in the past that made her be very closeted, but she keeps saying that she trusts me like she's never trusted any other guy in her life (not the same case with girls, apparently) and yet I find her to be even more physical with me than I expected her to be. I'm not complaining. Like. At all.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

so a lot has happened over the past few weeks... I got into a relationship with someone I've deeply cared for for a long time but was always afraid to commit further to; Established the slow rate at which I operate socially; broke them; made an idiot of ourselves in public; learned that this girl of mine had a lesbian past and was afraid to let it out; had someone else try to get between us and offered to be my "mistress" because "sex is a good thing" ; and...

most importantly...

finally just let her in. With all the fears of being unable to satisfy her and not being there and of getting hurt... I just. Let. Her. In. And I'm glad I did.

The fears are still there. But I'm okay with that.

Awesome

I think sometimes, if it's the right person, doing that is easy. Feels natural, you almost have no control over it.

But I know, like myself, you're very guarded, so it's good to hear your taking a chance again

 

[kane9321]

Wow mike..thanks..more things I must think about

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Awesome

I think sometimes, if it's the right person, doing that is easy. Feels natural, you almost have no control over it.

But I know, like myself, you're very guarded, so it's good to hear your taking a chance again

Thanks

And it's true I am. one of the things that terrifies me the most is the idea of opening up, or rather, of not being open enough. But it's strange how this came to be -- like a lot of what we used to talk about, the "ideal" relationship that comes out of a really good friendship, how it just sort of sneaks up on you. This was that. And I'm grateful.

But yeah, this is all still a bit new for me. Whatever it is. I like it.