Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Nave 'Torment']

I'll tell you why: for fun.

Not exactly blowing anyone's mind. Usually that's what the girl is after. Believe me, very few use it as a legitimate method of finding people.

Okay you just struck a very close note there. Let's define "fun."

Do people get in a relationship for "fun" ?

Or is "fun" simply for sex?

How do you know if someone truly cares for you, if someone is worth it or not, or if someone is just "having fun" with you after a few dates? I mean. I'm in this thing with my girl for what Tom Hanks' character from Cloud Atlas would call the true-true. The real-deal. The serious-and-ain't-curious.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Okay you just struck a very close note there. Let's define "fun."

Do people get in a relationship for "fun" ?

Or is "fun" simply for sex?

How do you know if someone truly cares for you, if someone is worth it or not, or if someone is just "having fun" with you after a few dates? I mean. I'm in this thing with my girl for what Tom Hanks' character from Cloud Atlas would call the true-true. The real-deal. The serious-and-ain't-curious.

Fun is fun. Means just blowing off steam.

I'm sure there are people who start relationships for "fun", I'm just not sure I would say that's such a good idea. Relationships are about stability mostly. Fun guys/girls though can lose everything the next day; that's almost what's fun about them.

 

[Erzengel]

There was a time when I was just hooking up. That was fun.

When I'm in a relationship, that is fun.

There can be "unfun" times, like when hooking up with unstable people or when a relationship is going through valleys.

Short answer, it depends.

 

[Anita18]

Have anyone of you had a long distance relationship? not like Catfish-esque but more like just seperated by college or something like that.

My bf moved upstate, 300 miles away, for a job. It wasn't too bad for us because he lived with his parents and his job paid well, so he could afford to fly down to see me two weekends a month. A lot of college students can't afford to do that.

I have friends who were high school sweethearts and went to college in different states. It was hard and they broke up for a little while, but got back together and are now married with twins. If you are committed and know what you have with this person, you can make it work. But yeah, if you're not committed, it isn't really worth it.

I feel like the advice "just move on" is given a lot around here.

It's often a lot more painless than the alternative. If one partner doesn't want the relationship to work, it doesn't mean you have to suffer in it instead.

Like, my married friend is treated like crap by her husband. He's emotionally abusive. No idea if he's cheated on her, wouldn't surprise me if he did. But SHE intends on upholding her end of the marriage vows even if he won't. It causes her a lot of suffering, and IMO it isn't worth it. I've been trying to convince her to divorce him for the kids, because her son and daughter should not accept her marriage as "normal."

I think most of us here give out advise based on personal experiences and anecdotes, which are alright, but yeah sometimes people have different circumstances.

At the end of the day, at least there's someone to talk to here because we can't elsewhere.

As for you my friend, 1 year is a long time, are you sure you want to just dismiss all that?

"Losing" 1 year is a lot less painful than suffering through another year or two, or three, or 20. Life is short. Don't stick around with people who are negative Nancies. When I talk with older people (60+), that's the advice they always give me.

There was a time when I was just hooking up. That was fun.

When I'm in a relationship, that is fun.

There can be "unfun" times, like when hooking up with unstable people or when a relationship is going through valleys.

Short answer, it depends.

Yeah, depends on someone's idea of fun. Casual dating is NOT fun for me. Juggling multiple guys is work.

But yeah, unstable people and relationship valleys are always unfun.

 

[grout]

My bf moved upstate, 300 miles away, for a job. It wasn't too bad for us because he lived with his parents and his job paid well, so he could afford to fly down to see me two weekends a month. A lot of college students can't afford to do that.

I have friends who were high school sweethearts and went to college in different states. It was hard and they broke up for a little while, but got back together and are now married with twins. If you are committed and know what you have with this person, you can make it work. But yeah, if you're not committed, it isn't really worth it.


It's often a lot more painless than the alternative. If one partner doesn't want the relationship to work, it doesn't mean you have to suffer in it instead.

Like, my married friend is treated like crap by her husband. He's emotionally abusive. No idea if he's cheated on her, wouldn't surprise me if he did. But SHE intends on upholding her end of the marriage vows even if he won't. It causes her a lot of suffering, and IMO it isn't worth it. I've been trying to convince her to divorce him for the kids, because her son and daughter should not accept her marriage as "normal."


"Losing" 1 year is a lot less painful than suffering through another year or two, or three, or 20. Life is short. Don't stick around with people who are negative Nancies. When I talk with older people (60+), that's the advice they always give me.


Yeah, depends on someone's idea of fun. Casual dating is NOT fun for me. Juggling multiple guys is work.

But yeah, unstable people and relationship valleys are always unfun.

What exactly does that mean....

 

[Erzengel]

I think most of us here give out advise based on personal experiences and anecdotes, which are alright, but yeah sometimes people have different circumstances.

At the end of the day, at least there's someone to talk to here because we can't elsewhere.

As for you my friend, 1 year is a long time, are you sure you want to just dismiss all that?

It's a fine line.

Punching out 2 dates in on a girl who won't stop talking incessantly about their ex-bf, dog, themselves, etc.

Then you get to the whole, that a lot of us don't even get to fully know someone until after 6 months to a year's time. And that's where a lot of those nuances, we thought were cute start to annoy us, or that "good date" behavior starts to disappear.

In the end, it's all if you think someone is worth it or not whether it be 1 month or 1 year. And of course, it depends if the problems are fixable.

 

[Anita18]

What exactly does that mean....

Nothing juicy, just scheduling the dates and having to go out multiple times a week is exhausting to an introverted hermit like me.

I shared a house with 4 guys for a year, and nothing about it resembled a porno. I'm THAT boring.

It's a fine line.

Punching out 2 dates in on a girl who won't stop talking incessantly about their ex-bf, dog, themselves, etc.

Then you get to the whole, that a lot of us don't even get to fully know someone until after 6 months to a year's time. And that's where a lot of those nuances, we thought were cute start to annoy us, or that "good date" behavior starts to disappear.

In the end, it's all if you think someone is worth it or not whether it be 1 month or 1 year. And of course, it depends if the problems are fixable.

It's not necessarily problems, as it is discovering whether you're actually compatible or not. And as you said, it often takes time!

 

[The Guard]

As for you my friend, 1 year is a long time, are you sure you want to just dismiss all that?

No, I sincerely don't. I think this relationship has immense potential. But she's not giving me many options right now. The main issue is that she's given me about nineteen different excuses for why our intimacy has more or less died over the last several momths. It's been four months since we've been intimate, and roughly six to eight months before I started noticing issues with it in general.

I think I've gone well beyond the timeframe that is reasonable to expect improvement and that I've been incredibly patient. We've had several major discussions about it, and there's been no improvement on her end and no sign that she's willing to do anything to find a solution.

I'm wildly unhappy about the situation. I told her on Friday how I'm feeling and that she needs to think about whether she wants to be with me, and whether she's willing to do anything to find a solution or seek help for whatever issues she's facing, etc. I have an appointment with a counselor this time next week to see if he thinks there's much of a point in trying couples counseling. If my girlfriend won't go to that, and her behavior doesn't change drastically and constructively, then I'm done.

I learned from my previous marriage that there's little joy, little point and little reward in staying in a relationship for the sake of the relationship not failing. If you're not happy, then it's a failed relationship anyway.

 

[Anita18]

No, I sincerely don't. I think this relationship has immense potential. But she's not giving me many options right now. The main issue is that she's given me about nineteen different excuses for why our intimacy has more or less died over the last several momths. It's been four months since we've been intimate, and roughly six to eight months before I started noticing issues with it in general.

I think I've gone well beyond the timeframe that is reasonable to expect improvement and that I've been incredibly patient. We've had several major discussions about it, and there's been no improvement on her end and no sign that she's willing to do anything to find a solution.

I'm wildly unhappy about the situation. I told her on Friday how I'm feeling and that she needs to think about whether she wants to be with me, and whether she's willing to do anything to find a solution or seek help for whatever issues she's facing, etc. I have an appointment with a counselor this time next week to see if he thinks there's much of a point in trying couples counseling. If my girlfriend won't go to that, and her behavior doesn't change drastically and constructively, then I'm done.

I learned from my previous marriage that there's little joy, little point and little reward in staying in a relationship for the sake of the relationship not failing. If you're not happy, then it's a failed relationship anyway.

You've been together for only a year (unlike Nave, 1 year is nothing to me. My first relationship was 1.5 years and we should have broken up 6 months sooner!) and haven't been intimate for 1/3 of that time? And half that time, you've had problems? Yeah, you're merely clinging to what you know here.

 

[Erzengel]

It's not necessarily problems, as it is discovering whether you're actually compatible or not. And as you said, it often takes time!

I should have added compatibility. But one could argue, that could be a "problem".

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

It's good advice.

Oh, I'm not saying it isn't, just kind of bemoaning the typical "there's this girl I want to bang I really like, and she doesn't like me back" story we get around here.

Not really a relationship problem.

Like many say "just move on".

But, I'd also add, or the advice that rarely gets said, mostly because it's harder is "maybe you need to start becoming someone women/men want to like".

I mean, that's often what's so funny to me on here, especially since we're in uber-nerd central. Not picking on anyone in particular, and while it's fine to be a nerd, you kind of have to have other things going for you. Social network, house, car, sense of responsibilities, have to make good conversation, etc. I see a lot of these posts and it seems like in addition to whatever problems they are facing in regards to relationships pales in comparison to the fact that many seem scared of actually living. They're so often freaked out by things they shouldn't be, or going after girls who do things they wish to avoid. Or they lack a lot of these things I find girls like in the first place.

It's like my friend and this girl I used to hook up with. She smoked pot, so did I. He hated pot, wouldn't smoke it for moral reasons but still wanted her. What did he expect her to do? Conform to his overly anal lifestyle? It was he who had the shell up, not her.

So that's I guess the other thing I would say. You see a lot of ********ness over jerky boyfriends and such. Truth is usually those guys do have something the others guys don't.

 

[PatrioticCowboy]

I am proud of the relationship I am currently in with my fiancé. Iv'e been with her for almost 3 years. I don't brag about us but it's apparent to everyone that we are happy and perfect for each other. It's the one thing I know I've done right in my life. God has blessed me. I try my best to be the best partner I can possibly be everyday. She is the greatest thing a man could ever ask for.

 

[Erzengel]

Oh, I'm not saying it isn't, just kind of bemoaning the typical "there's this girl I want to bang I really like, and she doesn't like me back" story we get around here.

Not really a relationship problem.

Like many say "just move on".

But, I'd also add, or the advice that rarely gets said, mostly because it's harder is "maybe you need to start becoming someone women/men want to like".

I mean, that's often what's so funny to me on here, especially since we're in uber-nerd central. Not picking on anyone in particular, and while it's fine to be a nerd, you kind of have to have other things going for you. Social network, house, car, sense of responsibilities, have to make good conversation, etc. I see a lot of these posts and it seems like in addition to whatever problems they are facing in regards to relationships pales in comparison to the fact that many seem scared of actually living. They're so often freaked out by things they shouldn't be, or going after girls who do things they wish to avoid. Or they lack a lot of these things I find girls like in the first place.

It's like my friend and this girl I used to hook up with. She smoked pot, so did I. He hated pot, wouldn't smoke it for moral reasons but still wanted her. What did he expect her to do? Conform to his overly anal lifestyle? It was he who had the shell up, not her.

So that's I guess the other thing I would say. You see a lot of ********ness over jerky boyfriends and such. Truth is usually those guys do have something the others guys don't.

For the type of relationship and the type of website this is, you're going to get that steady stream of late teens - early twenties who are going to complain about one of the following:

I like this person (friend, acquaintance) for X amount of years, should I tell her how I feel?

This person I like is dating an a'hole and I'm a nice guy because I think so.

Why do women go for same type of guy.

 

[The Guard]

You've been together for only a year (unlike Nave, 1 year is nothing to me. My first relationship was 1.5 years and we should have broken up 6 months sooner!) and haven't been intimate for 1/3 of that time? And half that time, you've had problems? Yeah, you're merely clinging to what you know here.

A year and a half, actually, but yeah. We were both doing a theatre show this Summer and Fall, so it was kind of less obvious as we were both always exhausted. Then the holidays rolled around, and she was working 14 hour days. Basically, the timing was such that it took me a while to figure out there was a serious issue, and I held off on talking to her about it during periods of high stress, which was stupid, I should have said something in September, before we moved in together, but I honestly didn't believe things could get this bad based on our first year together.

But, I'd also add, or the advice that rarely gets said, mostly because it's harder is "maybe you need to start becoming someone women/men want to like".

I mean, that's often what's so funny to me on here, especially since we're in uber-nerd central. Not picking on anyone in particular, and while it's fine to be a nerd, you kind of have to have other things going for you. Social network, house, car, sense of responsibilities, have to make good conversation, etc. I see a lot of these posts and it seems like in addition to whatever problems they are facing in regards to relationships pales in comparison to the fact that many seem scared of actually living. They're so often freaked out by things they shouldn't be, or going after girls who do things they wish to avoid. Or they lack a lot of these things I find girls like in the first place.

So that's I guess the other thing I would say. You see a lot of ********ness over jerky boyfriends and such. Truth is usually those guys do have something the others guys don't.

Agreed.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Fun is fun. Means just blowing off steam.

I'm sure there are people who start relationships for "fun", I'm just not sure I would say that's such a good idea. Relationships are about stability mostly. Fun guys/girls though can lose everything the next day; that's almost what's fun about them.

Hrrm...

There was a time when I was just hooking up. That was fun.

When I'm in a relationship, that is fun.

There can be "unfun" times, like when hooking up with unstable people or when a relationship is going through valleys.

Short answer, it depends.

:haha: so essentially you're giving me a non-answer. But I get what you're trying to say here. "Unstable" people, that's another term I keep hearing and can't really find a specific definition for.

I have friends who were high school sweethearts and went to college in different states. It was hard and they broke up for a little while, but got back together and are now married with twins. If you are committed and know what you have with this person, you can make it work. But yeah, if you're not committed, it isn't really worth it.

I think that... should things proceed with this girl I'm going out with now... it might come down to that. Instead of college, it'd be me flying out for my post-grad degree while she's still here for another year. We brought that issue up. Neither of us are okay with long-distant stuff and well, we've been really good friends and crazy about each other for a long time. We just started dating officially for I would say a month now right? That commitment thing needs to be established well before anything long-distant can start and it's still way too early to worry about that but... well the issue came up. Now she's all "if we can't commit in the long term why go with it at all?" I told her that we'll deal with it if and when the time comes, we still have like 1 and a half years of college left before that potential scenario happens anyway.

But I don't know, this anecdote of yours just makes me hopeful. I guess it's not that impossible after all.

Like, my married friend is treated like crap by her husband. He's emotionally abusive. No idea if he's cheated on her, wouldn't surprise me if he did. But SHE intends on upholding her end of the marriage vows even if he won't. It causes her a lot of suffering, and IMO it isn't worth it. I've been trying to convince her to divorce him for the kids, because her son and daughter should not accept her marriage as "normal."

That sounds a lot like my folks to be honest, and it's unfortunate but I see a lot of toxic-marriages like that over here. They bring religion and "social reputation" in the mix and well, it's a very conservative culture, divorces are highly ostracizing titles.

And I remember you bringing this up before. In my opinion, yeah if it's not working then lingering on usually makes things worse, and it's not like your friend is only thinking about herself and her husband -- her kids, who ought to come first in this -- are growing up in an unhealthy environment. That's a big no.

"Losing" 1 year is a lot less painful than suffering through another year or two, or three, or 20. Life is short. Don't stick around with people who are negative Nancies. When I talk with older people (60+), that's the advice they always give me.

Yeah, depends on someone's idea of fun. Casual dating is NOT fun for me. Juggling multiple guys is work.

But yeah, unstable people and relationship valleys are always unfun.

Is it common for people to have like multiple-dates at the same time? I dunno isn't that kind of a promiscuous place to stand on? I was always of the mind that you should stick to one person when you're courting them instead of just checking 10 different people out.

How do you define a Negative Nancy? What if she's just doubting herself and says she needs more time to let a relationship grow?

It's not necessarily problems, as it is discovering whether you're actually compatible or not. And as you said, it often takes time!

Yes but Anita! HOW MUCH TIME? I feel like I might be rushing her and the last thing I want is to ruin this with her.

No, I sincerely don't. I think this relationship has immense potential. But she's not giving me many options right now. The main issue is that she's given me about nineteen different excuses for why our intimacy has more or less died over the last several momths. It's been four months since we've been intimate, and roughly six to eight months before I started noticing issues with it in general.

I think I've gone well beyond the timeframe that is reasonable to expect improvement and that I've been incredibly patient. We've had several major discussions about it, and there's been no improvement on her end and no sign that she's willing to do anything to find a solution.

I'm wildly unhappy about the situation. I told her on Friday how I'm feeling and that she needs to think about whether she wants to be with me, and whether she's willing to do anything to find a solution or seek help for whatever issues she's facing, etc. I have an appointment with a counselor this time next week to see if he thinks there's much of a point in trying couples counseling. If my girlfriend won't go to that, and her behavior doesn't change drastically and constructively, then I'm done.

I learned from my previous marriage that there's little joy, little point and little reward in staying in a relationship for the sake of the relationship not failing. If you're not happy, then it's a failed relationship anyway.

If it is indeed that bad then you of course would know much better. But while I do hope it doesn't come to that, it seems like you're being upfront about your position and that the ball is pretty much in her court now. And you said you've already given her enough time to amend them. Is she that much guarded about her emotions?

 

[Anita18]

A year and a half, actually, but yeah. We were both doing a theatre show this Summer and Fall, so it was kind of less obvious as we were both always exhausted. Then the holidays rolled around, and she was working 14 hour days. Basically, the timing was such that it took me a while to figure out there was a serious issue, and I held off on talking to her about it during periods of high stress, which was stupid, I should have said something in September, before we moved in together, but I honestly didn't believe things could get this bad based on our first year together.

Does anyone believe their relationship will ever get bad?

Yeah, that's actually quite typical - intimacy often goes by the wayside when both of you have a lot of s*** to do. Even nowadays, I often stay late for work or class and when I come home, he's already asleep. We just have to square away a few hours on the weekends for or have a little quick thing when we both happen to be in bed. It doesn't have to be a big deal or a big date night. I think it's actually better to have regular cute things that you do, instead of saving everything for ONE DATE that's suppose to save your relationship. Kiss her goodbye every day when one of you leaves. Make sure you hug regularly. Even when you're tired, you can spare a few seconds for things like that. It helps to remind yourselves why you're together in the first place. Especially when you live together, it's easy to take your partner for granted because they're always there. But you have to remember that you're choosing to be together.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

But, I'd also add, or the advice that rarely gets said, mostly because it's harder is "maybe you need to start becoming someone women/men want to like".

I mean, that's often what's so funny to me on here, especially since we're in uber-nerd central. Not picking on anyone in particular, and while it's fine to be a nerd, you kind of have to have other things going for you. Social network, house, car, sense of responsibilities, have to make good conversation, etc. I see a lot of these posts and it seems like in addition to whatever problems they are facing in regards to relationships pales in comparison to the fact that many seem scared of actually living. They're so often freaked out by things they shouldn't be, or going after girls who do things they wish to avoid. Or they lack a lot of these things I find girls like in the first place.

I largely blame Hollywood a lot for ideas like that -- it's either "I'm so perfect I'll find someone who LIKES ME FOR ME and my nerdy/introverted/uptight self" and dismissing the fact that there really is a lot that is possible to change; or the opposite, in the sense that "OMFG I need to change EVERYTHING about me!" The truth would be, as always, somewhere in between.

It'd be much easier to treat these as individual issues rather than grouping everyone together into one category. Nerd-central or not, there are recluse-nerds who are just mean and extroverted-nerds who are actually good with people.

It's like my friend and this girl I used to hook up with. She smoked pot, so did I. He hated pot, wouldn't smoke it for moral reasons but still wanted her. What did he expect her to do? Conform to his overly anal lifestyle? It was he who had the shell up, not her.

So that's I guess the other thing I would say. You see a lot of ********ness over jerky boyfriends and such. Truth is usually those guys do have something the others guys don't.

See, I'm one of those. And my point is that you do have certain things that you're okay with and certain things that you're not. If the things bother you so much don't date her at all. And, well I have a lot of these anal lifestyle rules that I expect her to fulfill, but I'm willing to compromise.

Sad bit is. How many times is she willing to compromise when you're overstepping her boundaries?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

And finally, another question I want to just throw out there coz I'm a bit curious. Regarding the "get something that attracts people" angle. What do you do with someone who is bisexual? If you're a guy do you take on those alpha-male traits that correspond to the dark triad? Do you become "bi-sexy" in the Charlie Sheen sense? If there are certain "universals" in advise columns for men that women find attractive and women that men find attractive, it usually has an extensive psychological reasoning behind it.

Any idea what that could be for someone who is attracted to both genders? What would her "ideal partner" look like?

 

[Anita18]

:haha: so essentially you're giving me a non-answer. But I get what you're trying to say here. "Unstable" people, that's another term I keep hearing and can't really find a specific definition for.

I consider folks with mercurial moods to be "unstable" in the context of relationships. They don't actually have to be mentally ill kind of unstable, but their moods can shift drastically with no rhyme or reason. It takes some practice to deal with that.

I think that... should things proceed with this girl I'm going out with now... it might come down to that. Instead of college, it'd be me flying out for my post-grad degree while she's still here for another year. We brought that issue up. Neither of us are okay with long-distant stuff and well, we've been really good friends and crazy about each other for a long time. We just started dating officially for I would say a month now right? That commitment thing needs to be established well before anything long-distant can start and it's still way too early to worry about that but... well the issue came up. Now she's all "if we can't commit in the long term why go with it at all?" I told her that we'll deal with it if and when the time comes, we still have like 1 and a half years of college left before that potential scenario happens anyway.

But I don't know, this anecdote of yours just makes me hopeful. I guess it's not that impossible after all.

Honestly, most couples will find themselves in a long-distance relationship situation sometime in their lives. My dad is often on overseas business trips. When we moved across the country, my dad moved out a year earlier than the rest of us, to scout out jobs and neighborhoods and schools.

It's just that when you're married with kids (and have a defined family), you're less likely to think of it as an unacceptable situation. When folks are young, they often think the grass might be greener where they are, instead of being faithful to one who's far away. That's really all it is.

That sounds a lot like my folks to be honest, and it's unfortunate but I see a lot of toxic-marriages like that over here. They bring religion and "social reputation" in the mix and well, it's a very conservative culture, divorces are highly ostracizing titles.

And I remember you bringing this up before. In my opinion, yeah if it's not working then lingering on usually makes things worse, and it's not like your friend is only thinking about herself and her husband -- her kids, who ought to come first in this -- are growing up in an unhealthy environment. That's a big no.

Exactly. I mean, both parents love their kids so it could be worse, but it's still not a role model kind of marriage. When the kids get old enough to date, they need a good example.

Is it common for people to have like multiple-dates at the same time? I dunno isn't that kind of a promiscuous place to stand on? I was always of the mind that you should stick to one person when you're courting them instead of just checking 10 different people out.

Keep in mind, I'm referring to first date kind of situations. This is what happens when you put out a personals ad on Craigslist - you get a bunch of guys all at once vying for your attention! It was exhausting keeping everybody (and my schedule) straight.

I'm thinking that anyone could think of me as promiscuous. I've only gone on 3 second dates, and 2 of them ended up as serious relationships. I've only slept with one guy, and I'm going to marry him. Just because you're dating doesn't mean you're promiscuous in the casual sex sense. My sister dated WAY more than I did (even starting in high school), but we lost our virginities at around the same age - mid-20s.

How do you define a Negative Nancy? What if she's just doubting herself and says she needs more time to let a relationship grow?

If your partner doesn't want the relationship to work, or isn't in any way concerned about your happiness, she's a Negative Nancy. It's pretty simple.

Yes but Anita! HOW MUCH TIME? I feel like I might be rushing her and the last thing I want is to ruin this with her.

If you're truly compatible, time isn't really a big factor. I'm still discovering new things about my fiance 4 years in, but I knew early on that we were pretty compatible.

 

[Frodo]

Oh, I'm not saying it isn't, just kind of bemoaning the typical "there's this girl I want to bang I really like, and she doesn't like me back" story we get around here.

Not really a relationship problem.

Like many say "just move on".

But, I'd also add, or the advice that rarely gets said, mostly because it's harder is "maybe you need to start becoming someone women/men want to like".

I mean, that's often what's so funny to me on here, especially since we're in uber-nerd central. Not picking on anyone in particular, and while it's fine to be a nerd, you kind of have to have other things going for you. Social network, house, car, sense of responsibilities, have to make good conversation, etc. I see a lot of these posts and it seems like in addition to whatever problems they are facing in regards to relationships pales in comparison to the fact that many seem scared of actually living. They're so often freaked out by things they shouldn't be, or going after girls who do things they wish to avoid. Or they lack a lot of these things I find girls like in the first place.

It's like my friend and this girl I used to hook up with. She smoked pot, so did I. He hated pot, wouldn't smoke it for moral reasons but still wanted her. What did he expect her to do? Conform to his overly anal lifestyle? It was he who had the shell up, not her.

So that's I guess the other thing I would say. You see a lot of ********ness over jerky boyfriends and such. Truth is usually those guys do have something the others guys don't.

True. The girl is with the other dude for what ever reasons there may be , and whether the guy really is "bad" or not , she's with them.

So you really only have two choices : You pine, moan, and chase someone who isn't with you, or you could "move on". Imo Moving on doesn't have to just mean meeting someone else, having fun, etc. It can also mean looking critically at yourself and your actions. If you're the problem , then moving on also means you gotta work on you, so to speak. If you don't , you end up just making the same mistakes the next time. So I'm all for moving on , and all that entails.

I know alot of people don't like the idea of just moving on ,but that's life. Yeah, it's cliqued , and every circumstance is different, but at the end of the day, its what you have to do unless you wanna waste your time brooding over some person you can't have. Life's way too short , and really there are alot of potential mates out there. A whole Planet's worth in fact.

 

[The Guard]

And finally, another question I want to just throw out there coz I'm a bit curious. Regarding the "get something that attracts people" angle. What do you do with someone who is bisexual? If you're a guy do you take on those alpha-male traits that correspond to the dark triad? Do you become "bi-sexy" in the Charlie Sheen sense? If there are certain "universals" in advise columns for men that women find attractive and women that men find attractive, it usually has an extensive psychological reasoning behind it.

Any idea what that could be for someone who is attracted to both genders? What would her "ideal partner" look like?

Well, if the BI person you're trying to attract is a girl...and you're a guy...do the things that attract girls to guys...I would think.

 

[The Guard]

Does anyone believe their relationship will ever get bad?

I doubt it. I learned within the last couple of years how quickly they can shatter, so I tend to be more aware of stuff like complacency, etc.

Yeah, that's actually quite typical - intimacy often goes by the wayside when both of you have a lot of s*** to do. Even nowadays, I often stay late for work or class and when I come home, he's already asleep. We just have to square away a few hours on the weekends for or have a little quick thing when we both happen to be in bed. It doesn't have to be a big deal or a big date night. I think it's actually better to have regular cute things that you do, instead of saving everything for ONE DATE that's suppose to save your relationship. Kiss her goodbye every day when one of you leaves. Make sure you hug regularly. Even when you're tired, you can spare a few seconds for things like that. It helps to remind yourselves why you're together in the first place. Especially when you live together, it's easy to take your partner for granted because they're always there. But you have to remember that you're choosing to be together.

Agreed, and that's what I mean...this stuff is gone. We barely kiss, we barely touch, etc.

Also the lack of sex is a problem. But its really the whole picture regarding intimacy that I'm concerned about.

 

[Anita18]

And finally, another question I want to just throw out there coz I'm a bit curious. Regarding the "get something that attracts people" angle. What do you do with someone who is bisexual? If you're a guy do you take on those alpha-male traits that correspond to the dark triad? Do you become "bi-sexy" in the Charlie Sheen sense? If there are certain "universals" in advise columns for men that women find attractive and women that men find attractive, it usually has an extensive psychological reasoning behind it.

Any idea what that could be for someone who is attracted to both genders? What would her "ideal partner" look like?

A bi person is truly open-minded, in the sense that they don't have a defined physical "type." That means it's mostly personality for them, and thus completely individual.

I have a friend who's bi. She's dated both men and women but hasn't found anyone serious yet. Because she doesn't have a type, it's difficult for her to overlook personality incompatibilities for physical bonuses.

Agreed, and that's what I mean...this stuff is gone. We barely kiss, we barely touch, etc.

Also the lack of sex is a problem. But its really the whole picture regarding intimacy that I'm concerned about.

We didn't have sex for months at a time because I was recovering from stomach flu and felt nauseous all the time. (Nausea is not sexy, lemme tell you!) But we always still hugged and held hands.

It's hard to have sex in an emotionally intimate way when you don't even touch each other anymore.

How does she react when you try to hold her hand or give her a shoulder massage or something? Sometimes words are too complicated - just start doing it!

 

[The Guard]

It's hard to have sex in an emotionally intimate way when you don't even touch each other anymore.

How does she react when you try to hold her hand or give her a shoulder massage or something? Sometimes words are too complicated - just start doing it!

She'll hold my hand. She'll let me give her a massage, and will occassionally ask for one. We sleep in the same bed and she'll snuggle up to me. And today when she got home, I just started kissing her, and she responded.

Intimacy in general is nice, but its just not enough. About a week ago, I gave her a massage, and it ended up getting hot and heavy, and as we were getting into it, she had a panic attack, which is finally what prompted the talk. She claims nothing major is wrong, that she's not cheating on me, and that there's not something she needs from me that she's not getting.

It could honestly be any number of things. She's given me about 20 different reasons for it over the last few months. And I've tried pretty much everything at this point, except for the overly gushy, obvious "romantic" stuff (which she doesn't really like). I'm always, always, always the one who initiates anything, and it just seems like whatever happens, she rejects me if it goes too far. This is an intelligent grown woman with experience, who was very open-minded and enjoyed sex when we began dating, and for a year after. It's incredibly frustrating.

 

[TheBat812]

Okay you just struck a very close note there. Let's define "fun."

Do people get in a relationship for "fun" ?

Or is "fun" simply for sex?

How do you know if someone truly cares for you, if someone is worth it or not, or if someone is just "having fun" with you after a few dates? I mean. I'm in this thing with my girl for what Tom Hanks' character from Cloud Atlas would call the true-true. The real-deal. The serious-and-ain't-curious.

It always starts out as fun, and turns into serious if it's meant for it. Most good relationships start out by hanging out because it's fun, which can lead to sexual fun, which can turn into a relationship.