I am having the worst of it this week. It just keeps getting bad to worse and I think, I'm afraid, that I will be losing her. Instinctively. I feels as though I'm going to lose her down the line.
And good god I don't want to. I don't want that to happen. I love her. Unconditionally.
She says she needs time to figure out whether we're compatible or not, an issue that I had brought up before we got together to begin with, she says she needs space and I admit I've been acting way too needy for that. It got her into trouble. It's as ridiculous as trying to win at rock-paper-scissors with yourself. I'll elaborate.
We're living in a very conservative culture, so any casual ideas of dating or hooking up is very limited to a small niche group and neither of us are a part of that. Or our families. For the past month since we started going out and really being absolutely happy with each other everything seemed perfect. She got really excited and we were serious. She told her mother how much she cared about me but the mother didn't believe it. The mother believes me to be a lying, manipulative junkie who is stuck in a mediocre college in a third-world country (the same college her daughter goes to btw) on account of being the absolute loser that I am and that my chosen major (the same major her daughter is working on: Literature) tells a lot about how lazy and financially irresponsible I am. "No only someone with an Ivy League degree" she said, "you're lowering your standards. The last guys you liked were so better looking! ___ and ___ are better suitors!" Her father took the dramatics a step further, threatening her that he'd stop financing her education if she kept seeing me, and gave her an ultimatum of talking over the phone for only 5 minutes and never after 11. Yes. She's in college. But that's beside the point. Her mother put a lot of doubt in her head and it was a very emotionally constricted place where they kept blaming her for being dumb and irresponsible (she isn't. She's lived her entire life as a dutiful child and a responsible little girl who does well in her studies and what not -- kinda like me -- even the part about being a little girl but let's not start making fun of me just yet).
She... complied.
She told me she needs more time to figure it out and that she needs her space, and I admit I haven't really done a good job at giving her her space but yeah. Throughout the month we've been dating there's always been two really bad negative elephants in the room: the fact that I'm an introvert and she isn't, and the fact that we were doing all of this behind her parents' backs which made it difficult. She has been genuinely in love with me and this is the second time in over a year that we worked things out and got together, it was only last month that we made it official. It was too early to tell her folks, as most of my friends say, but the damage has been done. When her mom told her how fickle she's been in her "infatuations" it got to her. When her mom said she's lowering her standards for me it got to her. She started doubting and now she's unsure about her feelings. She said she needed space to figure it out and so when I didn't talk to her for over a day she got upset and said "why didn't you call?" then she got paranoid and said "don't think that ignoring me will draw me in." I wasn't doing that.
"I don't know if I'm worth it Navid. I don't know if I can ever love you as much as you love me."
"Let me make that decision."
"But it'd be unfair on you. I don't want to you to get hurt."
She's got a reason for everything and I doubt I've ever managed to convince her on anything in the past. But the thing is... she has all these doubts when she's with her parents, when i'm not around and when I'm not there and the moment that I am -- the moment we're together and we're talking she gives in. She has no doubts. But it's easier to just let go of all that and comply to her parents because it'd be socially more acceptable. So for the time being it's been in this strange grey area for about a week.
Then yesterday happened.
I made a mistake. I did something insensitive and ended up making her feel insulted in front of people despite the fact that there wasn't anyone there she knew. I didn't intend to, of course, it was purely accidental, but it happened. I didn't verbally insult her but she said that I was mean to her. I apologised. And apologised. And apologised. She said she couldn't talk because of her dad. So we texted. And that was that. What gets to me now is that she's comparing this to something that happened in the past, and saying that some of her trust has been fractured because of this. I didn't verbally insult her and I think she's exaggerating it. What I really think is that she's trying to find all these reasons to give her a good enough excuse to turn be down and not feel guilty about it.
I don't want this to end that way. I don't want this to end at all. She's giving into her fears and taking the easy way out. Whenever I listen to her and slow down and give her time, her parents start speeding things up by insisting on suitors that they'll meet in Boston next week, or having her transferred to a different college, or move away altogether -- and between me and her parents she says she feels trapped and crushed and can't make a decision on her own.
And the decision she's making is really turning out to be -- "I don't care for him enough. He's not good enough. I have to end this and focus on work."
This will go down as "I gave him a chance. It didn't work out. He's too mean and obsessive and not really qualified or good-looking enough. Plus I saw how he lied to his parents just to go out with me, what kind of a person does that? He's too obsessive. Such a sweet boy but our timing was just never right. Oh well."
And I'll be forgotten.
This hasn't happened yet. But it sure feels as though that's where it's heading.
Just give me one piece of advice -- regarding the whole "publicly being insulted" thing and "being mean" thing -- and between all the "don't push me i need space and time" and all of this -- what do I do? What do I do to not make this the only reason in her mind? I won't be seeing her for almost a week. Do I call her up despite the fact that it keeps getting her into trouble with her dad? We can text but do I text her first again?