There's only so much you can do. You are extremely limited. Financially, socially, etc.
You also need her to want to fight and it doesn't seem like she's going/willing to do that.
You have to be kinda honest with yourself if you think this can work.
This, this, this. A thousand times this. There is nothing you can do Nave, if she doesn't want to make the relationship work. She has to want it to work too, and it's EXTREMELY patronizing to think that you can somehow MAKE her want to fight for your relationship. Keep your dignity and walk away if that's the case. Don't grovel, don't stalk, don't beg.
There was a time where I felt my parents disapproved of my fiance. It wasn't as deeply ingrained as with her parents, but the situation made me feel like I couldn't do anything right - not even pick a boyfriend. My crying fit certainly confused him, but he went along with it and sat beside me understandingly. But I didn't see a reason to break up with him, even with his various eccentricities, and now my parents love him. (He was overly paranoid about his work at a defense contractor, and it had to do with being "unable" to meet my family because my uncle is not a US citizen, and my mom got annoyed. He doesn't work that job anymore, so it's all a moot point.
)
That's one of the more ridiculous things... maybe it's cultural or personal I don't exactly know anymore. I was mean to her and said I wouldn't be waiting for her friend, when she kept on saying she wanted to wait, I told her "Let's go already" and I was loud and impatient about it.
My fiance does that at times. It's one of his more annoying traits. If he has to wait around for something doesn't interest him (and he's got very, very few things he's interested in - usually we're waiting on something I'M interested in
), he'll make it extremely obvious. He's overly impatient in that way. And I'm extremely patient and understanding so if I have to wait, it's not a big deal. One of our rare incompatibilities.
I just have the confidence to not take it personally every time he does that. But yes, if he'd shown that kind of behavior all the time early on in the relationship, I might not have gotten with him. It's extremely unattractive. He always realizes after the fact that it's also disrespectful to me (especially if it's my thing we're waiting on), so he always apologizes, but the most important thing is that I don't take it personally. Not everyone is as self-assured though.
so much negativity around me these days. Whatever happened to "take a leap of faith" and "leave it to fate" and all that jazz?
Cause you're fighting a losing battle, Nave.
You can't make her what she isn't. If she's not on board, she's not on board. And then you get stressed out for days/weeks trying to figure out what to do when there's nothing you can do. That's why there's so much "negativity."
We're trying to be positive here, Nave. We want you to find someone you can feel comfortable being around. This clearly is not the girl for the job.
Last year we stopped speaking for a while because of something similar. She was crying and was all jittery was walking around and I told her to stop and by grabbing her arm. She interpreted that as a public display of having physically violated her space. This is too similar. I mean, later when we were together she did say that she was being a ***** to me and that I still kept on being nice and that I never hated her no matter what. She did say that she overdid it to push me away because at the time she got scared.
Hold up - why did you do that? What did you hope to accomplish? Was she embarrassing you in public because she was crying? Because, frankly, I would have interpreted it as a violation of my space too. You do not grab a friggin' adult to get them to stop doing something. I would have slapped you.
It's the whole patriarchy thing - woman is embarrassing a man, man has to do whatever he can to get her to stop,
regardless of her feelings. His feelings are more important.
Ask her if she wants to sit down or if she needs a hug or a box of tissues or something. Don't grab her and just tell her to stop!
It's not something you can go back in time and fix now, but what you can do is examine your thought process so you can understand why you did something like that, and how you can avoid doing it again. Because I don't think any self-assured woman would accept that kind of behavior. You know how patient and understanding I am, and I wouldn't.
I'm going to be painfully, brutally honest with you, but I think you need to hear it, with a dose of assumption based on what you've written here in its entirety. You aren't respecting her. Sure you think you are, with your "I listen to her insecurities" and that kind of superficial crap, but you don't really care about what she wants. You only care about what
you want, and you want her to stay with you. You will do anything to make her stay with you, regardless of her feelings. You are willing to make her confused and at odds with her parents and make her tell you things you want to hear so she doesn't make you feel bad. Even if she's insecure and confused, you can't assume you know better than her.
If you really, truly cared about what she wants, you wouldn't push the relationship on her. Let her choose. Freely. With nosy parents and all. That's the most noble thing you can do.
My mantra is, if you can't be yourself around your partner without them getting pi**ed off with you. They are not worth being around.
It sounds harsh, but it is a simple truth.
This too. Although I now think the woman you need is one who will tolerate your various insecure, patriarchal whims.
It's a two-way street. Always.
Your happiness does not ride on pleasing one specific person. It's a big world out there. You may not feel it now because you're in one particular city in one particular school, but it's true.
t:
