Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[Erzengel]

And of course for posters to post about not s'ing and never getting off the pot.

 

[Anita18]

And of course for posters to post about not s'ing and never getting off the pot.

Right. If you think you should do it, go out and do it!

 

[SpideyVille]

My ex-bf believed in fate, because it was luck that his parents met like they did (it rained or something like that, causing his mom to change her plans or somesort). And he met his wife at a political get-together he just figured he might as well go to because he was sick of unpacking. She had basically made the same decision.

But again, it was a set of decisions they made that caused them to meet, it wasn't like they were doing their usual routine and this person fell from the sky.

I'm the same way. That's why I felt like that girl that I met when I started college was the perfect girl because we first started talking when I went to see a school play for one of our classes. I could've gone on any day of the week and I had no intention of seeing her or even talking to anyone. I just wanted to go and get out of there as fast as I could. But then she said 'hi' to me and that opened the door for me to start talking to her in class and online and it really did feel like we were two of a kind. Everything really seemed to work together perfectly except the timing since she had just gotten out of two relationships back to back and still wasn't over her ex.

This also remind me of the end of 500 Days of Summer, when he meets Autumn and she tells him that she used to go to the same spot in the park as him and the reason he probably never saw her was because he wasn't looking. I guess that's how I also want it to happen, whether someone wants to call to fate or coincidence.

 

[Erzengel]

^
My only problem with this is it almost feels like you are relying on something other than yourself for a girl to come a knocking.

The only reason you started talking to this girl, is because SHE said hi to you and SHE started talking to you.

If you believe in fate or free will, that's fine, but I think even fate needs you to make the first move sometimes. You can't sit in a room and just wait.

 

[SpideyVille]

You're absolutely right. From what I've learned, no matter what you believe in, you still have to go at least halfway, or make some kind of effort in order to get what you want.

Like back when I was in church with her, I would here so many people say that they couldn't wait for God to bring them their ideal person. One day my pastor told this girl that that's never going to happen if she sits and waits for Prince Charming to come and that in order for God to give you something you have to meet him halfway to show you really want it.

Now I've learned to take the religious aspect of it out and look at it from an outside perspective, I've seen that it still holds true with anything in life. If you don't take one step, you can't really expect anything to be handed to you. My mom does the same now. She talks about wanting to get married but she doesn't go out or even makes an attempt to make friends with anyone, plus she's still hung up on her ex and is waiting for him to come back to her. It's because of this attitude that her see her being alone for the rest of her life.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

What's everybody's thoughts on soul mates, fate, etc?

I do not believe in it, at all. Hence, Pre-Nups are essential.

I think there are people who are compatable, and ones who are not.

When two people who are compatable get together, all of the sudden they believe they have found their soulmates.

See Freakonomics for more on the wrong cause being attributed to effect.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Notice a few guys on the last page have had issues with girls flaking on them. Flaking is when she cancels a date on you at the last minute, or no shows etc...

When this happens I don’t ever contact the girl back. If I do, its a one word reply, like "weak", and has to be sent via text right away. Now if I don’t get her flaking text until 3 hours have passed I simply do not reply and move on.

You cannot reduce flakiness by being more accommodating or more available. I have found it can be reduced by being less accommodating and seeming less available. She is not valuing your time, so you should. You should always be more busy than her.

If she calls to re-schedule, even if she has a very good reason, I first decline the time she suggested and offer a different one on my terms, saying its the only time I’m available until next week.

I believe that 9 out of 10 times, when a girl calls and cancels it is NOT because of whatever excuse you are given, but an emotional thing. It does show that for some reason she is having second thoughts.

What causes this? Well some things that are 100% out of your control, but there are some mistakes guys make and I think seeming overly eager, calling or texting to double check or confirm, or anything that looks needy and shows a lack of confidence is a great way to get your date to flake.

She has never met you yet, and a lot of women find the biggest problems with the men they meet is that they are too needy, and lack confidence. She only has to go on what you have shown her, so if you text her a whole lot before you have even met, then you look like you are putting too much investment into her already, and again that displays neediness. Neediness is that antithesis of Confidence.

Its better to be show that you have an aura of mystery and intrigue and not show all your cards too soon. Often the best way to make her interested is to tell her less.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

This also remind me of the end of 500 Days of Summer, when he meets Autumn and she tells him that she used to go to the same spot in the park as him and the reason he probably never saw her was because he wasn't looking. I guess that's how I also want it to happen, whether someone wants to call to fate or coincidence.

Here's your problem, even saying you'll go halfway is a problem. Let's give an example, a friend mentions to you she works with someone she thinks is great for you. You and her come up with a whole scenario where you can "meet cute" in the bookstore where she works at. After a few minutes of talking you and the conversation not going exactly how you predicted it would you give up. Afterwards your friend says you didn't leave much of an impression on the girl, why because you were just a customer. That's halfway.

What's really trying, not just halfway, you ask your friend for the girls number directly, you invite her to comic con directly. You don't rely on some weird plan where you try to recreate a "meet cute in the bookstore" movie scene.

 

[SpideyInATree]

The girls I have waiting...they're definitely several points down the ladder.. I was just testing the waters with them until something better popped up.

Looks like I'm gonna have to drop my expectations even lower...

Maybe that's what that girl you were setting something up with was doing with you. She could have just been testing the waters and something, at least to her, better came along. Women can be just as picky and superficial as some men are.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Notice a few guys on the last page have had issues with girls flaking on them. Flaking is when she cancels a date on you at the last minute, or no shows etc...

When this happens I don’t ever contact the girl back. If I do, its a one word reply, like "weak", and has to be sent via text right away. Now if I don’t get her flaking text until 3 hours have passed I simply do not reply and move on.

You cannot reduce flakiness by being more accommodating or more available. I have found it can be reduced by being less accommodating and seeming less available. She is not valuing your time, so you should. You should always be more busy than her.

If she calls to re-schedule, even if she has a very good reason, I first decline the time she suggested and offer a different one on my terms, saying its the only time I’m available until next week.

I believe that 9 out of 10 times, when a girl calls and cancels it is NOT because of whatever excuse you are given, but an emotional thing. It does show that for some reason she is having second thoughts.

What causes this? Well some things that are 100% out of your control, but there are some mistakes guys make and I think seeming overly eager, calling or texting to double check or confirm, or anything that looks needy and shows a lack of confidence is a great way to get your date to flake.

She has never met you yet, and a lot of women find the biggest problems with the men they meet is that they are too needy, and lack confidence. She only has to go on what you have shown her, so if you text her a whole lot before you have even met, then you look like you are putting too much investment into her already, and again that displays neediness. Neediness is that antithesis of Confidence.

Its better to be show that you have an aura of mystery and intrigue and not show all your cards too soon. Often the best way to make her interested is to tell her less.

This is something I totally agree with, I would always just go with one call before a first date, wouldn't even bother with texting. When I did online dating, by, at most, the thrid email I sent I'd offer to go out with the girl. I'd ask for her number and offer mine to set up the details, that was it, never wanted to invest too much time on the phone or emails, because that says absolutely nothing about the real person.

However, if she flakes on or before the first date, just move on, she doesn't even deserve the sarcastic "weak" text in my mind. Just feels a way to ask for her to give you another chance, without losing too much ego.

 

[WillardNation]

I think marriage can work between any two people that are willing to work hard enough.

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.

I don't believe fate is something set in stone, like we have no control.

But I do think there are things we are 'meant' to do and people we are 'meant' to meet along the way.

Basically, I like the philosophy of 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho when it comes to fate/soul mates.

I do think that some connections are inexplicable and immediate, and that a person or a choice can just feel 'right'.

That's not to say that other choices aren't possible, or that you can't be happy with someone/something else.

But maybe not AS happy.

I can go with that.

I definitely do not believe in anything like fate, but that's probably because I'm extremely cynical. I believe that everything in life is a choice, and everything that happens is because of yours and other peoples own choices, not some firm thing that was destined to happen no matter what (if that makes sense).

People tell themselves their soul mates or whatever most likely because they're both really compatible with each other, and because they'd like to believe they were meant to be together. I don't think there is anything more to it.

I most definitely believe in fate/destiny simply because there has been way too many things in my life that "just happened" and turned out to be huge, life changing things for me. Or I was in some kind of trouble or jam and something just "coincidentally" happened to happen to help me out of it. I most certainly belief that we are in control and make our own decisions, but I also believe that there is something else going on. I mean, it was because of a seemingly random series of events/decisions that I wound up moving to city I knew absolutely nothing about and completely turned my life around.

As far as relationships go, I don't know though. The reason I originally asked is because I've been thinking about this one particular girl lately. This particular girl, for lack of a better term, was my first love and my first heartbreak. We never actually got officially together at any point but the feelings were there for both of us. We were teenagers when we first met so obviously we were both dumb and acted in ways we wouldn't as adults. Anyway, we've kept in contact over the years off and on and every time we see each other, it's just impossible to not feel that connection. I've been with my fair share of women over the years and I haven't been able to bring myself to enter into a serious relationship with any of them (save for one but that was put to a halt by her moving to California) and yet, almost 9 years later, I still think about and have an immense desire for that girl. And I'm fairly certain she feels the same way. I text her last month asking if she was going back home for xmas because I was debating whether or not I wanted to and her reply was, "Yes, I will definitely be there. YOU SHOULD COME!" And after we hung out and we were hugging goodbye, her hug was definitely not a "ok, see ya later" hug. Like she squeezed tight and held on for a while as if she didn't want to leave. I'm sure there would've been some kissing too, but we were in front of a group of people.

So now I'm just thinking to myself, what do I do with that? This has been the only girl I've known that I would feel comfortable saying I love and absolutely want to be with. Even the girls I've dated that I thought were pretty cool I've thought, "she's nice, but I definitely wouldn't think twice about cheating on her". But we live a thousand miles apart and if I move, it's in the other direction. I would never sacrifice my lifestyle/career to move back to the midwest. And of course that could even be a moot point; I mean, I'm roughly 99% sure she feels the same way but we haven't had that discussion. So what, is this the girl that I'm meant to be with? Or do I just let her go and carry on with my jaded/cynical way of sleeping with random women and never getting attached while holding out the possibility that I might someday meet someone else that I could find that connection with?

I just proposed the idea to her of coming down to visit on spring break (she's been saying she really wants to visit) and she "liked" my comment on facebook so I think that could happen. If it does, I guess I'll take that opportunity to sort all this **** out.

My parents were born in Taiwan, around the same city. But they met in the US, which is obviously a lot bigger.

My ex-bf believed in fate, because it was luck that his parents met like they did (it rained or something like that, causing his mom to change her plans or somesort). And he met his wife at a political get-together he just figured he might as well go to because he was sick of unpacking. She had basically made the same decision.

But again, it was a set of decisions they made that caused them to meet, it wasn't like they were doing their usual routine and this person fell from the sky.

It's stories like that that make me believe in fate/destiny. It's just way too coincidental. I don't believe anything happens by accident.

 

[WillardNation]

This also remind me of the end of 500 Days of Summer, when he meets Autumn and she tells him that she used to go to the same spot in the park as him and the reason he probably never saw her was because he wasn't looking. I guess that's how I also want it to happen, whether someone wants to call to fate or coincidence.

That reminds me of when I first started talking to girl I was seeing a couple months ago. On our first date, she told me about all these times she had seen me places but was too shy to come up and talk to me. I had never seen her at any of the places she mentioned.

 

[Troy_Parker]

Hmm, so there was a girl that I really liked. Like, REALLY. But, it didn't work out. She didn't care and I felt like **** for nearly 2 years.

I'm much happier now though, as I'm in a relationship with someone who cares as much about me, as I do for her. =D

 

[The Squirrel]

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.

Well I hope that comes true for you. But I think it's that kind of belief that leads to divorce. As soon as they start hitting some bumps, people jump ship.

 

[Anita18]

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.

Well, depends on what you consider to be "work." Being able to communicate honestly and being able to compromise comes easy for some people. For those people, marriage will be easier than for people who have a lot of chemistry but are hardheaded and believe their partner should be mind readers.

As far as relationships go, I don't know though. The reason I originally asked is because I've been thinking about this one particular girl lately. This particular girl, for lack of a better term, was my first love and my first heartbreak. We never actually got officially together at any point but the feelings were there for both of us. We were teenagers when we first met so obviously we were both dumb and acted in ways we wouldn't as adults. Anyway, we've kept in contact over the years off and on and every time we see each other, it's just impossible to not feel that connection. I've been with my fair share of women over the years and I haven't been able to bring myself to enter into a serious relationship with any of them (save for one but that was put to a halt by her moving to California) and yet, almost 9 years later, I still think about and have an immense desire for that girl. And I'm fairly certain she feels the same way. I text her last month asking if she was going back home for xmas because I was debating whether or not I wanted to and her reply was, "Yes, I will definitely be there. YOU SHOULD COME!" And after we hung out and we were hugging goodbye, her hug was definitely not a "ok, see ya later" hug. Like she squeezed tight and held on for a while as if she didn't want to leave. I'm sure there would've been some kissing too, but we were in front of a group of people.

So now I'm just thinking to myself, what do I do with that? This has been the only girl I've known that I would feel comfortable saying I love and absolutely want to be with. Even the girls I've dated that I thought were pretty cool I've thought, "she's nice, but I definitely wouldn't think twice about cheating on her". But we live a thousand miles apart and if I move, it's in the other direction. I would never sacrifice my lifestyle/career to move back to the midwest. And of course that could even be a moot point; I mean, I'm roughly 99% sure she feels the same way but we haven't had that discussion. So what, is this the girl that I'm meant to be with? Or do I just let her go and carry on with my jaded/cynical way of sleeping with random women and never getting attached while holding out the possibility that I might someday meet someone else that I could find that connection with?

I just proposed the idea to her of coming down to visit on spring break (she's been saying she really wants to visit) and she "liked" my comment on facebook so I think that could happen. If it does, I guess I'll take that opportunity to sort all this **** out.

Well if you're ready to make a change in your life, might as well go for it. It's surely better than doing nothing and continuing down your current path, and it'll end the "What ifs" that plague you.

It's stories like that that make me believe in fate/destiny. It's just way too coincidental. I don't believe anything happens by accident.

I don't think anything happens by accident either, but again, in both scenarios, decisions were made by the people in question to put themselves in a place where they would meet their future partners. The rest was up to them. Nobody handed them anything.

So if you believe in fate, trusting in your decisions is more important than anything. If it's fate, it'll happen.

 

[terry78]

Life is not a Disney animated feature where romance just sprouts up. Unless you've been taking more acid than usual.

 

[SpideyVille]

Here's your problem, even saying you'll go halfway is a problem. Let's give an example, a friend mentions to you she works with someone she thinks is great for you. You and her come up with a whole scenario where you can "meet cute" in the bookstore where she works at. After a few minutes of talking you and the conversation not going exactly how you predicted it would you give up. Afterwards your friend says you didn't leave much of an impression on the girl, why because you were just a customer. That's halfway.

What's really trying, not just halfway, you ask your friend for the girls number directly, you invite her to comic con directly. You don't rely on some weird plan where you try to recreate a "meet cute in the bookstore" movie scene.

Yeah, I admit the handling of that situation was all wrong. The big issue for me was that her friend didn't want to be set up with anyone so we were trying to set up something so that she could at least see me first and if I made an impression, then we would take it from there. We were also supposed to go out as a group so I could talk to her some more but that never happened. It was my fault for rushing things so that they could work out before comic con, but either way it was all for naught since she didn't even go.

But my whole point was that some people wouldn't even go through the trouble of going to the store or even go out with their friends to meet someone.

That reminds me of when I first started talking to girl I was seeing a couple months ago. On our first date, she told me about all these times she had seen me places but was too shy to come up and talk to me. I had never seen her at any of the places she mentioned.

Yeah the same thing happened to me last year with the girl I liked. I sat across from her all semester and at the end of the semester when we finally started talking, she told me she had a huge crush on me for the longest. I actually thought she hated me since she would never pass any handouts to me.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

This is something I totally agree with, I would always just go with one call before a first date, wouldn't even bother with texting. When I did online dating, by, at most, the thrid email I sent I'd offer to go out with the girl. I'd ask for her number and offer mine to set up the details, that was it, never wanted to invest too much time on the phone or emails, because that says absolutely nothing about the real person.

However, if she flakes on or before the first date, just move on, she doesn't even deserve the sarcastic "weak" text in my mind. Just feels a way to ask for her to give you another chance, without losing too much ego.

In general you can never go wrong by simply not contacting a flake back. If she is later begging to still meet you, then you can make her meet you at your own place and on your own terms.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I always send them a message expressing disapproval of them, specifically I'll question their realness and or throw in the phrase "I thought you were hot". Past tense infer they have to win back your perception of them as hot. Make it somewhat mean but mostly disappointed. Do it at like 2 or 3 in the morning by text, just to rub in the d***ish behavior. Don't imply you want them to see you again.

Just kidding...

But seriously that's worked, lol.

 

[steintym]

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.

You've never been married, have you? Even the best marriages in the world take work.

...And I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. Heck, most relationships, of any kind, take some level of work unless you're completely self absorbed. Working at something to make it successful doesn't automatically have to equate to a bad thing.

 

[Anita18]

You've never been married, have you? Even the best marriages in the world take work.

...And I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. Heck, most relationships, of any kind, take some level of work unless you're completely self absorbed. Working at something to make it successful doesn't automatically have to equate to a bad thing.

My bf and I live 300 miles apart. He usually takes time out of his weekend to fly down and see me every few weeks. (He lives with his parents so if I flew up, we have to book a place somewhere else for some actual private time.) It doesn't feel like "work" to him, but to some I guess it could be construed as work. And it does take actual work for him to earn the money in order to do that.

But yeah, it doesn't have to feel like "work" but all relationships obviously take some effort...

 

[steintym]

Good point Anita ...

It does take work and it should take work, but if it's all good ... It shouldn't feel like work. Or at the very least, it's work you're willing to deal with because the outcome is worth it.

 

[SpideyVille]

My bf and I live 300 miles apart. He usually takes time out of his weekend to fly down and see me every few weeks. (He lives with his parents so if I flew up, we have to book a place somewhere else for some actual private time.) It doesn't feel like "work" to him, but to some I guess it could be construed as work. And it does take actual work for him to earn the money in order to do that.

But yeah, it doesn't have to feel like "work" but all relationships obviously take some effort...

Yeah this is kinda what I was talking about with that question I posted last week. To some people, this would be a lot of work and at some point the question has to be asked if all the time and effort being spent is actually worth it.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah this is kinda what I was talking about with that question I posted last week. To some people, this would be a lot of work and at some point the question has to be asked if all the time and effort being spent is actually worth it.

Yeah it really depends on the person and the couple in question. My bf usually spends his weekends vegging out and he isn't super-thrilled about being with his parents 24/7, so spending a weekend with me is a treat. And the flight isn't long, only an hour. He can book them pretty last-minute if need be, and since he's saving lots of money on rent, a short jaunt down south once or twice a month doesn't break the bank. If it was a cross-country 6-hr flight each time...yeah that's a pain.

Besides, we're a well-established couple and prior to his moving up, we were living together. We've also spent extensive time with each other's families. So it was pretty much a no-brainer. I mean, compared to breaking up and spending a lot more time and effort finding someone else to date. Cause we're pretty much losers at that.

I mean, all that is really an individual decision. If you want to break up with your SO because you're moving away, that's your decision to make. If you want to try the LDR thing, there's nothing wrong with that either.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

My bf and I live 300 miles apart. He usually takes time out of his weekend to fly down and see me every few weeks. (He lives with his parents so if I flew up, we have to book a place somewhere else for some actual private time.) It doesn't feel like "work" to him, but to some I guess it could be construed as work. And it does take actual work for him to earn the money in order to do that.

But yeah, it doesn't have to feel like "work" but all relationships obviously take some effort...

I wouldn't call it work, but this just seems ridiculous to me. That's not to say I couldn't understand circumstances that might lead this to happen, I've seen it first hand (kind of). I mean I'm sure if I love someone...blah blah blah...it doesn't seem like work, I'd walk five thousand miles. It's just that it would be torture. I take proximity into account usually anyways. 300 miles, yeah I'd start wandering for more immediate gratification. I would crave spontaneity and excitement too much. Seems like such a relationship would be somewhat scheduled.