Revenge of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[Anita18]

Let's stop using this term "nice guy" as if it's this universal catch-all. Ugh.

The projected misogyny in this thread is making my wretch a little. How easy the world must be to understand painted in these broad freaking brush strokes.

Yeah I think when some guys try to figure out girls, they obviously tend to treat them like all girls are the same.

There are only two rules for finding someone to be in a good relationship with - treat people like you want to be treated, and if you meet enough people, you'll find one compatible with you. That's all.

Thinking that people are gonna respond or think the same way is a total wash, because what if by following that "advice," you manage to get someone, but s/he's totally incompatible with you? You might get laid, but that's not all what some are looking for. Or if you've projected an image that's not yourself, you have to keep up the charade or risk losing that person.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Well, I think not calling exes right away, or in some cases ever is kind of obvious. I usually think there is a healthy balance though. I don't discourage post-relationship friendships. Sometimes you get to a level with someone and realize you're still good together but not in that way.

I think this sounds a little defeatist in some sense to me. Like it works in theory but not in practice.

I guess you could clarify at which point you consider yourself rejected? I would say as long as you're on speaking terms with someone and you have a primary means of contact there is at least a fighting chance.

Where I think the nice guy mistake is caving into resistance. I think frequently they confuses resistance and rejection. As I said, girls risk more in sexual encounters, hence the perceived resistance they have to them.

I find girls to be, on the whole, flakey. I'd even say this might be a universal human trait. Ask them out, they'll string you along. Nice guys fall head first for that trap. They got strung along and they'll just, in essence, bend over and take it.

I do think girls flake out to gauge a guy's seriousness. If he responds with "oh, it's okay sugarlumps I'll cu soon !" it's done, immediate friend. If the next text is "What gives? I thought we were going out? I don't know if I can trust you anymore!" then you've displayed confidence. The risk with the latter is, however, flat out rejection.

Good questions.

If a girl says "we should see other people, but we can still be friends", that IS a flat out and out rejection. Best to simply move on in that case. Trying to hang on with a friendship is self degrading, literally having been dropped in grade from lover to plutonic friend. Trying to hang on looks needy, and implies to her that he does not have many options with other women, hence unattractive.

It depends on what you mean by "flake out". If it means canceling a date, then I don’t contact her at all either, not even to say "ok see you some other time." Most often it will be in a text these days.

I certainly won’t call her on it, and say something like "What gives I thought we were going out?!" because that shows that she has gotten to you emotionally.

Now there is a rare exception to that no-contact the flaker rule, only if I get a chance to reply to the test right away. I would simply reply one word "lame".

That is a tactic however, and one that needs to be deployed right away after getting the text. If you wait more than 20 minutes after she text you to send such a text in reply it is too late, at that point don’t send one at all. Just ignore her. Believe it or not, that is an uncommon response.
MOST guys use logic and reason to either sound nice as in "ok maybe some other time, take care", OR ********/sour grapes anger like "what the heck is the matter with you? I thought you were into me!?". Both expose a man as having already invested emotional interest in her, and that is not a good thing. That puts her in control of you, and again is unattractive to her.

With a quick one word indicator of annoyance, such as "lame", and then nothing following she has to sit and think about what that means. She may now get angry and send a "what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Again do not respond right away, wait 20 minutes to an hour, and you can certainly then call her on it, just type out less than she does in your reply, wait longer than she does before replies, and don’t let her change her mind about that evening she already flaked on. Even if you are at only at home playing a video game, if she now changes her mind you "have new plans for tonight, but tomorrow night works".

Let her wonder what you are up to. Another woman competing for your interest perhaps? Are you just not that into her? What could he have going on now? Its all a big mystery. Girls love mystery like cats love paper bags.

If you think my tactic of no reply, OR the swift "lame" on her flaking on is a jerk thing to do, keep in mind she was pulling you around by getting you to make plans with her and canceling on you, and you now have nothing to lose.

If calling her on it as you describes works well for you, by all means keep doing what is working well and don’t let some guys opinion on the net change any thing you do that is working for you. Calling her on her BS is still infinately better than taking it like a chump happy to jump in the just friends cab.

 

[Anita18]

MOST guys use logic and reason to either sound nice as in "ok maybe some other time, take care", OR ********/sour grapes anger like "what the heck is the matter with you? I thought you were into me!?". Both expose a man as having already invested emotional interest in her, and that is not a good thing. That puts her in control of you, and again is unattractive to her.

I dunno, that's what I'd do with a friend (guy or girl friend), and it's the very least someone could do to be considerate. Even if you don't care about her beyond getting in her pants.

With a quick one word indicator of annoyance, such as "lame", and then nothing following she has to sit and think about what that means. She may now get angry and send a "what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Again do not respond right away, wait 20 minutes to an hour, and you can certainly then call her on it, just type out less than she does in your reply, wait longer than she does before replies, and don’t let her change her mind about that evening she already flaked on. Even if you are at only at home playing a video game, if she now changes her mind you "have new plans for tonight, but tomorrow night works".

Um, if someone said "lame" to me if I really had to cancel something because I legitimately have a reason, I'd drop them hot potatoes. But I'm just one girl and I don't consider myself very typical. (And to be fair I ain't no Megan Fox. )

Just would like to interject some female opinion into this male-centric advice.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Yeah I think when some guys try to figure out girls, they obviously tend to treat them like all girls are the same.

There are only two rules for finding someone to be in a good relationship with - treat people like you want to be treated, and if you meet enough people, you'll find one compatible with you. That's all.

Thinking that people are gonna respond or think the same way is a total wash, because what if by following that "advice," you manage to get someone, but s/he's totally incompatible with you? You might get laid, but that's not all what some are looking for. Or if you've projected an image that's not yourself, you have to keep up the charade or risk losing that person.

If every and all situations were 100% unique and all of human attraction was entirely random then any and all advice would be useless.

There are exceptions to every rule, but for any advice to be given it needs to be applied to the majority of situations in general, there are clear and easily observable patterns.

There are obviously things universal that MOST women find attractive and unattractive. Same with men.

If not being needy, for example, is a charade that needs to be kept up, and therefor a needy guy should act needy, such advice would be setting him up for great pain because it is a universal turn off for most women.

 

[DBryan]

How well has what you have been doing working?

You must clearly be a guy who knows even more than anything "cheesy" I suggest.

Go ahead, enlighten the class as to specifically what you do and avoid doing in the dating world, weather it actually be trying to get laid, OR finding the right girl for a relationship who makes you very happy.

I really want to know, after all I made my honest suggestions, completely open for ridicule and critique, and even use my own real face in my avatar.

If you want to pick apart my suggestions and tell me what works even better, and you're so sure it works better from your personal experience, than I will get out my note book and start take notes.

I just think I haven't met the right person. I'm done with kicking myself for x, y, and z, and I don't think trying to be a 'player', trying to show I'm the dominant one, trying to manipulate is the way to go.

 

[Anita18]

If every and all situations were 100% unique and all of human attraction was entirely random then any and all advice would be useless.

There are exceptions to every rule, but for any advice to be given it needs to be applied to the majority of situations in general, there are clear and easily observable patterns.

There are obviously things universal that MOST women find attractive and unattractive. Same with men.

If not being needy, for example, is a charade that needs to be kept up, and therefor a needy guy should act needy, such advice would be setting him up for great pain because it is a universal turn off for most women.

The proper solution would be for the needy guy to grow a spine and get some legitimate confidence, because hiding their neediness to get a woman only makes it worse when it finally comes out. IMO that's where guys who beat their girlfriends/wives come from. Real confident men don't need to resort to violence to get what they want - they do it only because they're needy and feel their masculinity is threatened.

I just think I haven't met the right person. I'm done with kicking myself for x, y, and z, and I don't think trying to be a 'player', trying to show I'm the dominant one, trying to manipulate is the way to go.

Course not. If you've decided not to act like some devil-may-care macho guy (which I think is the right decision ) then the only thing to do is to put yourself out there and meet people.

I mean, my bf I bet was rejected by a bunch of women because he didn't follow any of the advice SuperMike is dishing out, but he eventually found me.

 

[DBryan]

Babs, Anita, what you're seeing is guys who have had bad experiences and projecting it onto ALL women. "I was 'nice', and a girl strung me along when I asked her out, so all girls are like this".

Some women do it, too. I've heard rants about how men are such jerks from women, and how women are such soulless harpies from men. It's ridiculous.

I've had more bad experiences than most, I'd be willing to bet. But I've been done for a long time with projecting and broadbrushing. Over, enough.

I just wanna concentrate on myself. Work my ass off, finish University, get into the career I want, work with my friends, and hopefully sooner or later meet a girl. I'm not gonna go out of my way to meet women anymore. I've asked girls out who were my friend, I've asked girls out who were in my class, I've asked girls out in the library, in clubs and pubs, online, etc etc etc.

I'm done. Enough.

When I go swimming, I don't want to think about how I'm toning myself up so I can be more physically attractive to women, I just wanna be healthier. I don't want to think about women anymore, until I meet one who likes me.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I dunno, that's what I'd do with a friend (guy or girl friend), and it's the very least someone could do to be considerate. Even if you don't care about her beyond getting in her pants.


Um, if someone said "lame" to me if I really had to cancel something because I legitimately have a reason, I'd drop them hot potatoes. But I'm just one girl and I don't consider myself very typical. (And to be fair I ain't no Megan Fox. )

Just would like to interject some female opinion into this male-centric advice.

That’s all fine, but there is a reason I do not let female opinion influence my advice or my own behavior.

I base it in what women actively respond to in action, not what they say. Simply because there IS a very observable trend of them saying and going to things that are 180 degrees.

There is a key difference to the way women behave. Yeah I’m an evilsexistmanpigwomanizingdouchebagplayer because say men and women think and behave differently.

Both use the logically rational side of the brain to think, and to speak. The actions play out differently. Men tend to do, or attempt to do what they say they will.

Women for example will say things like "ohhh I’d neeeever do that, I’d neeeeever fall for that, I’d neeeeever give a guy like that the time of day, I’d neeeeever take his cheating *** back, ohh him he's such a jerk I'd never ever ever ever sleep with a guy like thaaat" etc….

You likely have even heard things very similar to that from girl friends and been shocked by their resulting contradictory actions.

In fact some people think I hate women when I say things like that. Quite the opposite. There are very good biological reasons women behave in such a way.

 

[DBryan]

Total nonsense.

There's a friend of mine who lives in Spain, who read a book called 'Magical Tactics', and he sent it to me in PDF.

That's the kind of crap it said. Women say one thing, but they really mean the opposite. And it would say, women like to be insulted.

It was all crap.

He was waaaaaaaaaaay worse with women than I am. It was embarrassing being out with him. He was always boasting himself up, ALWAYS seeking approval from women, always being super obvious in his intentions. He followed all that junk advice and it got him nowhere. He's the type of guy that thought a woman simply smiling at him meant that she was into him.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

A lot of what SuperMike writes here to me seems arrogant. Again, just seems to cross into that disrespectful category.

She'll know she's "gotten to me emotionally?" I care. What's she gonna do; post about it on Facebook? Again, I care (sarcasm). I actually think letting people know you have emotions is a positive thing. Girls have emotions, and I suspect they prefer guys who have them to.

Ironically, I think you miss that relationships are all about emotions. Even sex is a physical manifestation of emotional comfort. Even if it happens at a party with booze and ecstasy, the emotions hit before the uglies bump.

Friendship at it's core is emotional reciprocity. If there is none, then at the first sign of resistance they bail on each other.

I'm surprised you'd think a girl or guy knowing they did something the other thought was wrong is a bad thing? I can communicate those feelings like a man, like an adult does. Texting "lame" and then throwing the phone aside seems a tad immature.

Girls who won't give you a little resistance IMO are not worth it. Usually when I've gotten all or a lot right away, I really never had any desire to call that person again. I never blame myself when someone plays hard to get because I know it's not personal. I have a lot of very attractive friends (I think having a good number of female friends is a positive thing, and a good way to meet new women) and they definitely get tired of all that bullsh** guys peddle at them all day long. They have feelings too though, and they have flaws and they're insecure about those flaws because everyone else assures them they're perfect. They don't want that. They also don't want to be mentally manipulated, sadly that realness and honesty they seek can come from disrespectful guys. It doesn't have to of course.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Babs, Anita, what you're seeing is guys who have had bad experiences and projecting it onto ALL women. "I was 'nice', and a girl strung me along when I asked her out, so all girls are like this".

Some women do it, too. I've heard rants about how men are such jerks from women, and how women are such soulless harpies from men. It's ridiculous.

I've had more bad experiences than most, I'd be willing to bet. But I've been done for a long time with projecting and broadbrushing. Over, enough.

I just wanna concentrate on myself. Work my ass off, finish University, get into the career I want, work with my friends, and hopefully sooner or later meet a girl. I'm not gonna go out of my way to meet women anymore. I've asked girls out who were my friend, I've asked girls out who were in my class, I've asked girls out in the library, in clubs and pubs, online, etc etc etc.

I'm done. Enough.

When I go swimming, I don't want to think about how I'm toning myself up so I can be more physically attractive to women, I just wanna be healthier. I don't want to think about women anymore, until I meet one who likes me.

No YOU'RE projecting your bad experiences onto other guys.

What I have given you here is free advice, GOOD free advice you would otherwise have to pay for. Heck Optimus Prime’s advice to you is not bad either. Obviously I like my own better, for obvious reasons.

You think its wrong to generalize, but then you go right on and generalize about what women are not into, which you claim is YOU. Yes you just generalized women when you claim they are not interested in you.

Stop being such a defeatist and you will not be so easily defeated.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

She'll know she's "gotten to me emotionally?" I care. What's she gonna do; post about it on Facebook?

What she is going to do, simpy has nothig to do with YOU.

If she flakes and you smooth things over with "ok, no worries, talk to you later", there is no emotion nothing, flatline. You don't exist to her.

Send the word "lame", and that may still happen, OR she may get very very angry at you.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and while many women will not ever admit it, they can be VERY attracted to a guy who just got her angy as all heck.

Or the no-response. Mystery too is a huge attraction.

Smoothing things over simply kills emotion.

Here is a question. When was the last time YOU cancelled on a girl? Have you done it as often as they do to you? Most guys never cancel dates, and if they do they have a very good reason. Girls will do it over a bunch over very small reasons. If it was not a common thing we wouldn't be talking about it here.

 

[DBryan]

Some quotes from Magical Tactics.

Women are hard wired to follow their emotions more than logic. That’s why so many women keep on falling for the same old jerk who abuses them and often cheats on them. Their logical brain constantly tells them…They have made the same mistak
e. They will be bused again. They will be cheated on again. But since they are biologically programmed tothink emotionally they keep on running after the guy who triggers the emotional side of their brain.

In other words, women don’t feel attraction to men because they decide to feel it.It just happens. Now I am not suggesting that you should become a jerk…All I am suggesting here is thatwomen can’t help but fall for the guy who knows how to trigger their emotional attraction switches. When I first came across this concept it was a bit hard for me to believe…It didn’t make anyreal sense to me at all but the more I used it…The more successful I got with women. I got to a point where I saw women literally throwing themselves at me.

Most average guys take rejection personally simply because they don’t know how to deal with it…For instance consider this scenario

-Guy-
Hey! I am john…How are you doing?
Girl- Go away jerk
.Guy- Gets hurt and exits.

Now let’s do it the right way…

Guy-
Hey! I am John…How
are you doing?
Girl- Go away jerk.
Guy-Geez…Are you always this rude to strangers? Didn’t your maa teach you any manners?
Girl- Excuse me?
Guy-No you aren’t excused missy…You turned me off. You are one of those bad girls…I
must avoid you. Bye bye.

This one always tends to leave them with their jaw dropped to the floor…In most cases thegirl either stops me while I walk off…Or says something to keep the conversation going.

 

[DBryan]

Some more quotes from Magical Tactics.

Girl-I don’t like you.
Guy-That’s what every girl says who is interested in me. Can’t you get an original line
missy?
Girl- I am not going to sleep with you.
Guy-Wow! It’s only been a few minutes and you are already thinking sex…Slow down
there.
Girl- Are you trying to hit on me?
Guy-I don’t have to…You are too easy.
Girl-I know what you are trying to do. Won't work on me.
Guy- Oh wow! You are so attracted to me that you are already trying to figure me out? Slowdown sister.

So does this work? You bet it does.Does it get their attention? 100% of the time.

Oh God, the answering machine trick...

This is the trick I use to get women to return my phone call 100% of the time…Yup! That’s right I get 100% response rate. In order to use this trick you have to make sure she has her answering machine on. Here is the golden message I use which gets me 100% response every single time.Leave a message on her answering machine by saying the following----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Dammit you have your answering machine on? This was important. Anyway listen up…This strange thing happened today. I was going up to….”
And then hang up.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------By hanging up and leaving the message in between you have created enough tension which would force her to call you back as soon as she gets the message.

Women can’t handle mystery… Leaving it incomplete will raise the woman’s level of
curiosity and she will get highly eager to know the rest of the message. Don't be too surprised if she calls you right away.

 

[Anita18]

That’s all fine, but there is a reason I do not let female opinion influence my advice or my own behavior.

I base it in what women actively respond to in action, not what they say. Simply because there IS a very observable trend of them saying and going to things that are 180 degrees.

There is a key difference to the way women behave. Yeah I’m an evilsexistmanpigwomanizingdouchebagplayer because say men and women think and behave differently.

Both use the logically rational side of the brain to think, and to speak. The actions play out differently. Men tend to do, or attempt to do what they say they will.

Women for example will say things like "ohhh I’d neeeever do that, I’d neeeeever fall for that, I’d neeeeever give a guy like that the time of day, I’d neeeeever take his cheating *** back, ohh him he's such a jerk I'd never ever ever ever sleep with a guy like thaaat" etc….

You likely have even heard things very similar to that from girl friends and been shocked by their resulting contradictory actions.

In fact some people think I hate women when I say things like that. Quite the opposite. There are very good biological reasons women behave in such a way.

Funny, because I have never given the time of day to guys who put me down. I'm not a flake, I do what I say. I also don't hang out with the kind of women you describe. I imagine they'd drive me up the wall.

Then again I do joke that I'm practically a guy, and none of my girl friends are girly girls either.

To be fair, you redeemed yourself a little with your use of "some women can" in your other post.

But every person is different. Some guys are jerks and some women are attracted to them. Not all, some. Some girls love the awkward guys who outwardly has no game. Not all, some.

The trick is to finding the person right for you, and that takes some confidence and numbers. Not thinking that you HAVE to act this way to find a girl willing to date you period. That's just the lowest of low standards I can think of.

It's also hilarious that people who use "there's a biological reason!" as logic for such opinions are on the whole not biologists. I AM a biologist, I learned all this stuff in college and I came to the conclusion (along with many of my biology classmates) that humans are humans because we can make our own choices about what to do and what not to do without being forced to because of our biology or whatcrap. If you want to treat people as nothing more than animals heeding their instincts, be my guest, but I'm not going to have anything to do with guys like that.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

What she is going to do, simpy has nothig to do with YOU.

I don't care, I didn't care when we started this discussion.

Send the word "lame", and that may still happen, OR she may get very very angry at you.

How about "LOSER!" or "I'm Audi 2000". Seriously, if I got that text, I'd laugh.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and while many women will not ever admit it, they can be VERY attracted to a guy who just got her angy as all heck

You'll have to forgive me, number one, I doubt that would make anyone mad. It wouldn't make me made, just sounds hilarious to me. Maybe that's my sense of humor acting up.

Maybe this girl causes me to re-arrange my schedule, and I want her to know that.

Or the no-response. Mystery too is a huge attraction.

Mystery means not talking about YOURSELF endlessly and knowing what information may be too personal or unnecessary at the time. I'm talking about real emotion. If you really want to text 'lame' because that adequately sums up your thoughts and feelings, but doing something to provoke anger or "mystery" sounds to me like dishonesty.

Here is a question. When was the last time YOU cancelled on a girl? Have you done it as often as they do to you? Most guys never cancel dates, and if they do they have a very good reason. Girls will do it over a bunch over very small reasons. If it was not a common thing we wouldn't be talking about it here.

Right now actually, lol, funny you should ask.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

The problem with using these tricks is when people find out you look more pathetic and desperate than a guy in the friend zone.

I have a surefire "trick" for you. Let it be known your hung like a horse. I know tons of guys lie about it, and I can smell all the liars. I can even tell you how to say it, and how to work it into conversation.

Problem is, while crude and effective, it tells me a lot about the girl. Curiosity, mystery, all the PUA elements are there. She doesn't like you for you though. Believe me, she will sleep with you, might even date you, but she'll leave you for a bigger dick. I realize that was all unintentionally metaphorical.

The other problem is if you spread sh** around, in my opinion it comes back to you. Lucky for me, I'm honest. For guys who chose dishonesty, well someone'll find out, then you'll need all new tricks.

I don't feel tricks are necessary, unless of course they aren't tricks.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Oh God, the answering machine trick...

While he sounds a bit obnoxious in his delivery, and the whole answering machine is obviously long dated as now days people text more than leave messages, his underlying philosophy is correct.

While there are exceptions to every rule, there are some things true for often than not.

Women testing you for a backbone with a quick rejection at first to see if you can keep your cool and hold your resolve under pressure is another one. If your friend seemed obnoxious in doing this then likely his delivery was wrong. It’s not just what you say, but how you say it. Your body language and inflection as well.

If something like his "magic tactics" seems like a routine, and is not going to flow natural for you, and would seem awkward then don’t use it. Play to your strengths.

This is a good underlying concept, and easier to avoid making a mistake such as staying in there too long to talk when all you need to do is flirt a bit and pull out your cell phone, and say something on the line of "hey, I do got to get going, but since you’re kind of cute I’ll take your number and text you some time, we might go out".

Generally you will succeed with something simple like that, and if she says no not interested, you could follow up well that’s too bad I thought you would be a bit more adventurous.

Honestly though, I have not ran into that much. Heck you could pull out at the first "no" on digits and still get a "ohh yeah sure, my number is #########" easily 50% of the time when talking to a single woman. Keep in mind there are a lot of women already in relationships, so don’t get down on yourself if she insists she isn’t single.

One big key would be to not stick around and talk too much. Some flirting is good, but keep it to under 2 minutes. 2 minutes can be a long time, trust me.

Women like mystery is one of his underlying concepts that you will see in ALL of the good advice out there because it is one of those things universally true about the vast majority of women.

In fact I have never met one who does not like at least some mystery.

What sounds more fun and interesting?

Eaxmple.A

Her: Ohhhkay...Sooo what do you do for a living?

You: That’s a very personal question (she might even giggle as that sounds silly), I'll tell you about it some time.

Or….

Example.B

Her: Ohhhkay....Sooo what do you do for a living?

You: Oh, nothing big, I just fix vehicle radiators down at Al’s auto garage. Worked there for 3 years now, I got a raise last month, but I'm looking for something better.

Obviously example A is going to keep her more interested. It's one of those things that just does not occur to most guys. You don't need a schtick so to speak, but you do need a grasp of the underlying philosophy.

The point would be not to give it all away. Going for the digits does not mean you have to be obnoxious, but it does mean avoid telling her your life story right off the bat.

 

[DBryan]

edit

 

[SuperMike335!!]

How about "LOSER!" or "I'm Audi 2000". Seriously, if I got that text, I'd laugh.

Yes, you're getting it! Those would work. Those are good examples.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

All of these "tricks" are basically just a gussied up version of basic people skills.

 

[Anita18]

Women like mystery is one of his underlying concepts that you will see in ALL of the good advice out there because it is one of those things universally true about the vast majority of women.

In fact I have never met one who does not like at least some mystery.

What sounds more fun and interesting?

Eaxmple.A

Her: Ohhhkay...Sooo what do you do for a living?

You: That’s a very personal question (she might even giggle as that sounds silly), I'll tell you about it some time.

Or….

Example.B

Her: Ohhhkay....Sooo what do you do for a living?

You: Oh, nothing big, I just fix vehicle radiators down at Al’s auto garage. Worked there for 3 years now, I got a raise last month, but I'm looking for something better.

Obviously example A is going to keep her more interested. It's one of those things that just does not occur to most guys. You don't need a schtick so to speak, but you do need a grasp of the underlying philosophy.

The point would be not to give it all away. Going for the digits does not mean you have to be obnoxious, but it does mean avoid telling her your life story right off the bat.

That's a little true, I have to say. When I first started dating my bf he worked as an engineer at a company that did defense work and could not talk about what he did. He didn't even tell me where he worked, to start. It was kind of hot knowing that he was doing important stuff, or at least, important to the government in that he had security clearance, etc etc. There was a bit of that James Bond intrigue.

But that only lasted when he had that job. He's since quit and started working as a programmer at a tech startup, and is still very secretive about it all. Probably from habit, but now since it's not mandated by his job to be so secretive, it's actually kind of annoying.

So you can be mysterious, but don't think too highly of yourself either. My ex-bf was very secretive about what he did when I saw him after a few years, but it turned out he was an IT guy for some tech startup and it was like, "Really?"

Don't prop yourself up for the woman to be disappointed, is what I'm saying.

 

[Erzengel]

Ugh, all these games makes me glad I'm not dating. Not that I'm not opposed to playing games as that is how it is with a lot of dating, it's just doesn't seem as much fun anymore and too much work. I've grown almost too lazy. :

 

[Babs Gordon]

Babs, Anita, what you're seeing is guys who have had bad experiences and projecting it onto ALL women. "I was 'nice', and a girl strung me along when I asked her out, so all girls are like this".

Some women do it, too. I've heard rants about how men are such jerks from women, and how women are such soulless harpies from men. It's ridiculous.

I've had more bad experiences than most, I'd be willing to bet. But I've been done for a long time with projecting and broadbrushing. Over, enough.

I just wanna concentrate on myself. Work my ass off, finish University, get into the career I want, work with my friends, and hopefully sooner or later meet a girl. I'm not gonna go out of my way to meet women anymore. I've asked girls out who were my friend, I've asked girls out who were in my class, I've asked girls out in the library, in clubs and pubs, online, etc etc etc.

I'm done. Enough.

When I go swimming, I don't want to think about how I'm toning myself up so I can be more physically attractive to women, I just wanna be healthier. I don't want to think about women anymore, until I meet one who likes me.

What I'd say to you is simple D, and I know you're lonely and possibly tired of doing what I'm about to tell you, but I'm not sure you HAVE been doing this either: When you focus on making yourself the best person you can be, when you stop trying so hard to look for someone, things start to happen.

Don't listen to all the detailed little advice about this situation and that. It's impossible to predict what could happen.

You do not need to be a player. Thank god I've never dated anyone who though any of the aforementioned tactics needed to happen to make something happen. Remind yourself that if something doesn't work out, welp, it's just not meant to. I've been in that boat before. If they just weren't that into me... OK. But I'm not going to bend over backward trying to strike it JUST right to win them over. In the end, all of the best relationships I've had have occurred, not because of all the carefully orchestrated moves I've made and some weird finagling, but because I was happy doing what I was doing at the time and my self-satisfaction was evident to those around me. Evident enough that the men in question noticed. I have no natural game. I have been balls awkward for much of my life and have suffered glorious let downs because of it. When I gave up trying to be something I'm not personality wise, and set to enjoying the things I love, gaining strength and health, that's when I found my best relationship. I also became ok with breaking off relationships that weren't right no matter how much I wanted to be in a relationship. I knew it would do more damage in the long run.

Hoo, long post!

Focus on you. We shall skype again soon and we can chat about this sort of thing

 

[Babs Gordon]

Ugh, all these games makes me glad I'm not dating. Not that I'm not opposed to playing games as that is how it is with a lot of dating, it's just doesn't seem as much fun anymore and too much work. I've grown almost too lazy. :

I think when you become more happy with yourself, more self-satisfied you totally recognize the folly of all these games. I don't think it's laziness.