Revenge of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[Anita18]

Part of what is adding to me making a big deal out of this is because I never thought I'd be in a position like this. I thought I'd either be a spinster or be stuck with internet relationships and that would be that. I'd accepted that and was pretty happy on my own after my last breakup in February. Then suddenly all this happens and I'm thrown for a loop. I have no idea what I'm doing. I try and keep calm and just act normal when I'm around him, even though I'm bundle of excitement, nervousness/uncertainty, and hormones. He can tell sometimes and tells me not to be so nervous but I can't help myself. I'm nervous that one wrong move or word and POOF it'll disappear and I'll never see the guy whose company I've really started to enjoy again.

If you're spending a lot of time with him and he knows how you are, the probability of that is basically zilch.

The only time guys ditch women after one wrong move is on the first or second date at a fancy restaurant when everyone's still on their best behavior. When you're getting comfortable watching movies on the couch and tickle-fighting, IMO you're past that stage. At this point if you do something awkward, he'll probably think it's cute.

And as for your last paragraph, that's sort of what I was getting at with some of what I was saying, I'm just not as articulate. Basically what I was trying to say is that I want my first time to be enjoyable (though not perfect, I know it'll be awkward) with someone I completely trust and am wholly comfortable with and that I'll never look back on it and think it was the wrong choice.

I think you already know if you'd feel comfortable enough with this guy.

 

[BlackLantern]

If you're spending a lot of time with him and he knows how you are, the probability of that is basically zilch.

The only time guys ditch women after one wrong move is on the first or second date at a fancy restaurant when everyone's still on their best behavior. When you're getting comfortable watching movies on the couch and tickle-fighting, IMO you're past that stage. At this point if you do something awkward, he'll probably think it's cute.

and you would be wrong

 

[Anita18]

and you would be wrong

And when would that stage be then?

My friend suggested we wouldn't be a true couple until we'd had a burping contest. Unfortunately I can't burp on command. But my bf totally feels free in letting one fly every once in a while. I give him an "ewww" look but on the whole I think it's amusing.

 

[Anubis]

You're not a couple until you learn to love his farts.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

If you're spending a lot of time with him and he knows how you are, the probability of that is basically zilch.

The only time guys ditch women after one wrong move is on the first or second date at a fancy restaurant when everyone's still on their best behavior. When you're getting comfortable watching movies on the couch and tickle-fighting, IMO you're past that stage. At this point if you do something awkward, he'll probably think it's cute.


I think you already know if you'd feel comfortable enough with this guy.

I'm a worrywort, I admit it. My brain is always thinking of the worst case scenario of pretty much every situation and thinking "That's what's gonna happen!" No matter how much I tell myself otherwise. I've been like that since childhood.

My driving is terrifying and he finds it amusing (as long as we don't crash, of course ), which amazes me. Usually my friends ride in a car with me once and say "I'm never riding with you again!!!! " But he's cool with it. But it's not like he has many options if he wants us to go somewhere together. He doesn't have his licence.

I think I might be, given more time. No way am I ready for that after one month, though.

 

[AndThePickles]

Good grief, the amount of worry going into minor things is stressing ME out lol. Another way to look at your worries about only having first experiences once is that you only live life once. If you spend too much time waiting for the ideal moment, life will pass you by very quickly. Most things never happen the way you anticipate. I don't know if this will make you feel better or just more nervous, but I definitely had an over romanticized view of sex before I started experimenting. And my first time ended up being HORRIBLE. However, it is what it is, and I think that viewing things that way will save you a lot of worry. Looking back, it would have been nice if things had gone differently I suppose, but I moved on to search for someone else to have sex with who cared about me lol. Don't put too much importance on firsts, because it's the experiences afterwards that collectively often mean the most.

 

[BlackLantern]

And when would that stage be then?

there is no stage for that....as long as you have a reasonably healthy relationship, you don't have to worry about but its always a possibility

people just leave sometime

 

[Anita18]

there is no stage for that....as long as you have a reasonably healthy relationship, you don't have to worry about but its always a possibility

people just leave sometime

But it's never because of one minor thing you did, it's usually a build-up of many many things and end up being pretty major. Or if the other person changes and there's nothing you can do on your part.

I mean, if you think that everyone has to be on their best behavior all the time and that your partner can't even see you in loungy pajamas, that's something else entirely.

 

[AndThePickles]

Let's not forget that in the situation at hand, it isn't a relationship yet. Way too soon to be getting comfortable...watching movies and tickle fights doesn't mean anything other than fun flirting, IMO.

 

[Erzengel]

Good grief, the amount of worry going into minor things is stressing ME out lol. Another way to look at your worries about only having first experiences once is that you only live life once. If you spend too much time waiting for the ideal moment, life will pass you by very quickly. Most things never happen the way you anticipate. I don't know if this will make you feel better or just more nervous, but I definitely had an over romanticized view of sex before I started experimenting. And my first time ended up being HORRIBLE. However, it is what it is, and I think that viewing things that way will save you a lot of worry. Looking back, it would have been nice if things had gone differently I suppose, but I moved on to search for someone else to have sex with who cared about me lol. Don't put too much importance on firsts, because it's the experiences afterwards that collectively often mean the most.

Agreed.

 

[Anita18]

Let's not forget that in the situation at hand, it isn't a relationship yet. Way too soon to be getting comfortable...watching movies and tickle fights doesn't mean anything other than fun flirting, IMO.

I still don't let my bf tickle me.

Actually nobody's allowed to tickle me.

 

[Clerk]

Wow... That could be the most insecure thing I've eve heard.

As with everything, I believe it's all about context. Just because an ex gets mentioned doesn't automatically mean "Crazy! Crazy! Alert! Bail!" or that she's more trouble than she's worth.

Hahaha, I sense that you treat women as if they possess greater worth than sex toys. Good luck with that. Mentioning the ex = clingy issues = trying to contact you after you sleep with her.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Good grief, the amount of worry going into minor things is stressing ME out lol. Another way to look at your worries about only having first experiences once is that you only live life once. If you spend too much time waiting for the ideal moment, life will pass you by very quickly. Most things never happen the way you anticipate. I don't know if this will make you feel better or just more nervous, but I definitely had an over romanticized view of sex before I started experimenting. And my first time ended up being HORRIBLE. However, it is what it is, and I think that viewing things that way will save you a lot of worry. Looking back, it would have been nice if things had gone differently I suppose, but I moved on to search for someone else to have sex with who cared about me lol. Don't put too much importance on firsts, because it's the experiences afterwards that collectively often mean the most.

You're right. I need to worry less. Only problem is I don't know how. Worrying is all I've ever done, especially when it comes to the opposite sex.

 

[SpideyVille]

So back when my brother was presumably cheating on his girlfriend, he gave her sister my e-mail address as a way of trying to set us up since he figured we'd be perfect for each other since we were both big fans of Smallville. I hated him for it because I don't like being set up, but I decided to be "nice" and replied to her e-mails. But I felt absolutely no attraction after seeing a picture of her and based on how she would write to me since she seemed kinda obsessive with the show, particularly with Lois Lane, since she want me to call her Lois instead of her real name.

I ended it after a few months because I really didn't support my brother's infidelity and I didn't want any connection to it, which I told her. But earlier today I got a friend request on Facebook from her. Normally, I'd be "nice" and would accept the request even though I don't want to talk to the person. But this time, I think I'm going to just ignore and block her because I really don't want to deal with her, even though my brother hasn't seen her sister in a couple of years.

 

[SpideyVille]

You're right. I need to worry less. Only problem is I don't know how. Worrying is all I've ever done, especially when it comes to the opposite sex.

I know the exact feeling and can relate to most of what you've said you worried about, minus the relationship stuff since I haven't been in that position. But I think you just learn to worry less with time and experience. Like I remember a couple of years ago I had it really bad and would sleep with my laptop next to me logged onto my FB account just waiting for a reply from the girl that I liked. It got worse once we were texting because I would literally go crazy if I didn't get a reply back right away.

But after almost pushing a girl away with this kind of behavior, I learned to just control myself and think more positively. Like now when I don't get a text right away, I don't go and think right away that I said something stupid or that I ruined things, but rather just choose to go on with my life as opposed to waiting all day for something that might never come. It's easy to worry, but we only worry about things that we consider to be a big deal, but once you realize that something aren't as big a deal as you make them, then it becomes easy to worry less about them.

 

[Anita18]

So back when my brother was presumably cheating on his girlfriend, he gave her sister my e-mail address as a way of trying to set us up since he figured we'd be perfect for each other since we were both big fans of Smallville. I hated him for it because I don't like being set up, but I decided to be "nice" and replied to her e-mails. But I felt absolutely no attraction after seeing a picture of her and based on how she would write to me since she seemed kinda obsessive with the show, particularly with Lois Lane, since she want me to call her Lois instead of her real name.

I ended it after a few months because I really didn't support my brother's infidelity and I didn't want any connection to it, which I told her. But earlier today I got a friend request on Facebook from her. Normally, I'd be "nice" and would accept the request even though I don't want to talk to the person. But this time, I think I'm going to just ignore and block her because I really don't want to deal with her, even though my brother hasn't seen her sister in a couple of years.

I think you made the right choice.

But after almost pushing a girl away with this kind of behavior, I learned to just control myself and think more positively. Like now when I don't get a text right away, I don't go and think right away that I said something stupid or that I ruined things, but rather just choose to go on with my life as opposed to waiting all day for something that might never come. It's easy to worry, but we only worry about things that we consider to be a big deal, but once you realize that something aren't as big a deal as you make them, then it becomes easy to worry less about them.

Plus it's easy to explain away that kind of stuff if you consider that most people don't have their phones glued to their hands 24/7. Most people are busy doing other stuff that doesn't involve cheating on you.

You're right. I need to worry less. Only problem is I don't know how. Worrying is all I've ever done, especially when it comes to the opposite sex.

How busy are you? I've found I actually worry much less about small stuff when I have so many things on my plate that I literally do not have the energy to devote to worrying.

I used to worry a lot as a kid, but I chilled out by middle school when it dawned on me that nobody really cared. I mean, people care in that they wish the best for you and hope you have a good life, but they aren't analyzing the little minutiae of things you did or said to them. They just don't care about that stuff. Even when most people gossip, it isn't because they have something against you, they just want to talk to fill space. I figure, as long as people think I'm nice and smart and helpful, everything else doesn't really matter.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

How busy are you? I've found I actually worry much less about small stuff when I have so many things on my plate that I literally do not have the energy to devote to worrying.

I used to worry a lot as a kid, but I chilled out by middle school when it dawned on me that nobody really cared. I mean, people care in that they wish the best for you and hope you have a good life, but they aren't analyzing the little minutiae of things you did or said to them. They just don't care about that stuff. Even when most people gossip, it isn't because they have something against you, they just want to talk to fill space. I figure, as long as people think I'm nice and smart and helpful, everything else doesn't really matter.

My level of business varies. Sometimes I'm so busy I can't breathe, other times I have so much free time I don't know what to do with myself

 

[Hound55]

Hahaha, I sense that you treat women as if they possess greater worth than sex toys. Good luck with that. Mentioning the ex = clingy issues = trying to contact you after you sleep with her.

You have the jerk ex who did something big and stupid and I don't see anything wrong with mentioning something ("he stole my TV when we broke up... I let him have it because I was just happy to not have to deal with him").

Could be an age discrepancy between us both, but I can conceive possible ways the ex could be brought up with it being no issue of hers.

 

[SpideyVille]

I remember the last girl I liked, when I first met her, would complain about a friend of hers. She told me how she lent them $5000 and they never paid her back, and how she was sad one day because they had an argument over the phone while me and her were hanging out, and how she was at their house and bored out of her mind while she was texting me. She said she hated this person and would constantly mention them, and I tried to do what I thought the right thing by comforting her and I told her not to be mad, to let it go and to cut this person out of her life.

But then she revealed that this "friend" was really her ex and that's when things seemed to get complicated since it seemed like as much as she hated him, she still had feelings for him. I even called her out on it one day, asking if she did and she replied "I don't ... No" (which could've also been I don't know). She later revealed that they would still hang out and were kinda on and off when I met her.

It's like Erz said a few pages back, some people coat what they say so they don't specifically mention their ex. And yeah, there are perfectly good reasons why an ex would be mentioned. But like in this case, even though she never mentioned him as her ex, once I found out that all this time she was talking about him instead of some friend of hers (which I assumed was a girl), it really changed things because I felt like she didn't have to mention those things or tell me about them unless they were already on her mind.

 

[Spider-Who?]

I’m sure this isn’t a typical question for this thread, but it’s in the same boat house, so I figure I’d bring it up here.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the bad husband/wives of friends? A good buddy got married recently to a horrible person. All throughout their relationship prior to marriage, we dealt with hearing how much trouble she causes, and seeing it for ourselves and even being the recipients of her trash. She’s selfish, immature, unsupportive of his dreams and interests (constantly tells him to shut up when he talks about it), incredibly controlling, and downright mean. For an example, she REFUSED to let him go to college because it was “too expensive” (she has a degree, mind you). And they had been dating for TWO MONTHS. He’s now in his mid 20s and has no formal education, and she yells at him constantly for not having a high enough paying job.

We all tried to talk him out of marrying her (naturally), but even with his acknowledgment that things were so bad, he refused to make the right decision, trying to convince himself that he owes it to her to stay with her ("she made me a 'better person'"). After their wedding, she has only gotten worse, to the point where we’re losing our friend because A) we can’t stand being around her and B) she only lets him do things if she’s with him, and she never wants to leave the house unless it’s to go drinking with her friends.

None of our other friends – we’ve been an extremely close-knit group for upwards of 15 years – know exactly what to do with the situation. I try to live with the idea that I need to accept my friend’s wife and that bringing anything up to him would create problems between us, but at the same time, I hate seeing him (and us) be mistreated so much, and more so to see him make excuses for how he’s being mistreated. We stand up for ourselves and him when we see things happen, but it doesn't change anything. I’m starting to feel like it’s either swallow all my justified hate for this woman, or lose a friend. I don’t want to do either.

 

[Erzengel]

I think you and your friends are s' out of luck with your newly married friend.

Since he never put his foot down in terms of what he wanted to do with his life and when he wants to go out, he's under her thumb and doesn't look likely to remove himself from it.

You said it yourself, either swallow your pride or lose a friend. But, it's really possible that it will be the latter not because of you guys but because she has dominion over his life.

 

[Anita18]

I’m sure this isn’t a typical question for this thread, but it’s in the same boat house, so I figure I’d bring it up here.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the bad husband/wives of friends? A good buddy got married recently to a horrible person. All throughout their relationship prior to marriage, we dealt with hearing how much trouble she causes, and seeing it for ourselves and even being the recipients of her trash. She’s selfish, immature, unsupportive of his dreams and interests (constantly tells him to shut up when he talks about it), incredibly controlling, and downright mean. For an example, she REFUSED to let him go to college because it was “too expensive” (she has a degree, mind you). And they had been dating for TWO MONTHS. He’s now in his mid 20s and has no formal education, and she yells at him constantly for not having a high enough paying job.

We all tried to talk him out of marrying her (naturally), but even with his acknowledgment that things were so bad, he refused to make the right decision, trying to convince himself that he owes it to her to stay with her ("she made me a 'better person'"). After their wedding, she has only gotten worse, to the point where we’re losing our friend because A) we can’t stand being around her and B) she only lets him do things if she’s with him, and she never wants to leave the house unless it’s to go drinking with her friends.

None of our other friends – we’ve been an extremely close-knit group for upwards of 15 years – know exactly what to do with the situation. I try to live with the idea that I need to accept my friend’s wife and that bringing anything up to him would create problems between us, but at the same time, I hate seeing him (and us) be mistreated so much, and more so to see him make excuses for how he’s being mistreated. We stand up for ourselves and him when we see things happen, but it doesn't change anything. I’m starting to feel like it’s either swallow all my justified hate for this woman, or lose a friend. I don’t want to do either.

Unfortunately you can't live this guy's life, and unlike his wife, you can't control him either.

But even if you can't physically see him, you can still be his friend. Keep in touch with him by phone or email, let him know that you'll be there if he needs you. There's no guarantee, but one day he might see the light - make it clear that you'll be there for your buddy no matter what so you can be there if/when that day comes.

If you continue to make judgments and trash-talk his wife, it's very likely that either she or even he would isolate himself from you, and then you'd lose him forever. At the same time, you shouldn't stand for her abuse yourself. Make that clear as well - that you're not hanging out because she treats you like dirt and you won't stand for it, BUT you'll still be available with a willing ear.

Don't get me wrong, it sounds like a really sucky situation but he's had multiple chances to break it off with her and didn't, so it's unlikely that you can change his mind now. It's up to him.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Yeah, I have no delusions that his mind will be changed. I let go of that a long time ago. And I make a point not to trash talk her in his presence. These days, I try to offer advice on how to improve his marriage (when it’s asked for), but he’s so spineless its staggering sometimes. Love the guy, but that’s his biggest character flaw.

I think all of us handle the issue differently – one of us is very much the aggressor – he’ll put the wife in her place when it calls for it, and is quite willing to call her out. I on the other hand try to be more subtle…the “good cop” if you will. I play nice with her and offer counsel to my friend. All in all, we try to be supportive of his marriage, but it’s very hard to be supportive when you’re dealing with someone who is so far removed from reality and human decency. She once told one of our friends to stop giving him advice because she noticed he was "starting to stand up for himself a little more". She acted like she was telling us to stop pooping on her lawn.

Another example: each year, we all take a 5 day trip to the mountains. It’s been going on for about 8 years now. Same month, same cabin, etc. Its our way of making sure we keep in contact since a lot of us have moved to different states. It’s a pretty big deal for us. The day before the trip, they got into a fight. She told him he wasn’t allowed to go because she wanted him to clean the house since her parents were coming to visit (he’s the only one that cleans. EVER.). He told her no, that this had been planned for weeks, and that she could clean the house for once. Her response to that reasonable logic was to punch him in the face.

She makes jokes about that with people now.

 

[Erzengel]

The great Sam Kinison once said, I don't condone violence against women, but I understand it.

 

[Erzengel]

Spider-Who, is your friend suffering from the Cameron Frye syndrome?