Revenge of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[Erzengel]

It'd be great if we still lived in the 1950s.

 

[LOBO3315a]

She's not gonna be able to fight like a man though is she? Your punch is gonna do a lot more damage.
If a woman comes at you like that, punching scratching, whatever, and can't be reasoned with, just grab her by the wrists or subdue her by holding her arms by her side, or if there is the option, walk away from the situation, go into another room and lock the door until she has calmed down.
If she tells you she has calmed down, but is really standing outside the bathroon door with a frying pan, then call the cops.
There's no shame in that, but there is shame in hitting a woman, imo anyway.

Hell, I am probably gonna be put in the situation where a lot of men will be trying to wind me up and get me into fights, and I am gonna walk away from those types of situations, because I know they will be wanting me to get into physical fights with them to make me look bad.
But, y'know, if they throw the first punch, i will probably do something back, whether it's to subdue them by the most non-violent means possible or just fight back, who knows, depends on the situation.

A friend of mine told me that he once hit his long term girlfriend when she was coming at him really crazily, screaming, punching, scratching...and his point was that sometimes you don't know what you might do in a situation like that.
But, man, I really don't see myself hitting a woman under any circumstances, I don't care how crazy the situation gets. Phycsically subdue by the most non-violent means possible? Sure, if I can't walk away, but not by punching or slapping or anything like that.

Anyway, I don't know if you have ever been in that situation before, or are just voicing a theoretical opinion on that, but personally, I don't think it's the right thing to do, and I don't think I have that in me.

Yes I have. When I was first married, my X-wife used to love getting into arguments with me. Whenever I would try to leave the situation, she would physically confront me, prevent me from leaving the house by standing in front of me, take swings at me that I would block, etc.

Finally after fight # 856 where she put me in a headlock, I decided I'd had enough and fought back. I didn't punch her but I used exactly the same tactic on her that she used on me and put her in a side headlock. She never did it again. She stopped all physical confrontations after that. I'm thinking she was using the fact that she knew I wouldn't fight back to use me as a punching bag.

I just feel bad for my best friend who had stayed the night one time with his girlfriend. They sat there with eyes as wide as saucers as she initiated a physical confrontation that has her kicking and clawing me into a corner of out dining room.

Gave them a real preview of "married life".

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Well, that situation sounds a helluva lot different than what you were talking about at first.
You didn't punch your wife back, you got her into a defensive headlock, and even that was only after countless physical attacks.
You don't sound like the kind of guy who would punch a woman back at all, so I don't know why you think that you would.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Its like having a friend who has become a hard drug addict. I don't know for sure if you can help him. I rather doubt it. He has likely told himself hundreds of times that he is "doing the right thing".

If you cannot save him from this, then at the least learn from his mistake and do not make it yourself.

He should not be putting up with such abuse, but I see this all the time.
This is what Pre-nups are for.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot always make him drink. There is plenty of information out there that could help him a great deal, but if he is too self righteous to look at it, then all you can do is simply not make the same mistakes.

What you describe is what I call the curse of the Beta male, it is to be perpetually abused.

Simply that men who act spineless, and are afraid of losing the girl will do anything to please her. She controls him with his fear of loss.

In the end, because of this he will lose everything else first, then even her when she divorces him/cheats on him.

Not that he will take such advice, but if anyone else is reading this and finds themselves in the situation you described, take note.


Now, what he should start doing IMHO is:

1. Go back to school. If she has an issue with it, divorce her. Yeah, I dropped the D-word. Its better than the perpetual abuse he is taking now.
2. Take better care of his appearance. I suggest not shaving every day, and hitting the gym. He does not need to become Mr.Universe, but he needs to display himself as a guy attractive to women in general. Lots of married guys or guys who feel overly secure in a relationship will let themselves go appearance wise.
3. He needs to immediately cut back on all affection and compliments to her. He should also tease her a bit, but not right away. I say this because a lot of guys in long term relationships (LTR for short) will start to smother a woman with affection in order to placate her. She likely never initiates affection, and I’d be shocked if they had sex more than once every few weeks. During which she likely acts like she does not want to be there.
4. He needs to stop lifting a finger around the house, especially if he is paying the majority of bills. Likely she has grown to expect him to be a house maid. He needs to cut that out too.
5. He should stop asking her what she thinks about things. Example, if he wants to go out to eat and bring her with, it should be "hey babe, get ready to go, you got 5 minutes and I’m leaving to go get a bite to eat". If she asks where, he needs to simply say "wow, you sure like asking questions". Saying in a way you would when teasing a young sibling.
6. Take charge in general. In this situation that is a 180 role reversal.
7. He needs to not text her back right away after she sends him one, and not even answer all her calls when he is out of the house. I would not be shocked if your friend always has to "check in" on her, and always ends his calls with "I wuuuuv you" and then like a pet awaits her begrudged "I love you too". He needs to stop that, and end his call with "yeah ok bye", and then hang up.
8. Keep his options open. After all, she is used to a jelly fish. If he grows a spine she may go find herself a new jellyfish. Good riddance if she does.
9. Because a LOT of the above is going to royally piss her off, he needs to NOT apologize. He likely has been groveling apologies every time she shows even a cent of anger. Her anger can be a great place to tease too "awe, I didn’t call to check in on you while I was out, that ******** is not so flattering on you".
10. If she gets violent with him, as in punches him, a physical display of power is in order. This can be as simple as tackling her, gripping her neck with one hand, and kissing her on the cheek or lips before getting up. Don’t be shocked if this arouses her either. If that is the case, be rough with the sex. If she does not seem aroused, just walk away ignoring her laments of how big an a-hole you were to tackle her like that.

The point is he needs to treat her as if he is living his own life for himself, accomplishing his own goals, and is not afraid to lose her if that is necessary to accomplish said goals. He is still a young man, and has a lot to accomplish so far. His life should not revolve around her or her whims.

So your solution to big time mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse is just to play high school dating games with the girl? Seriously all your advice is to play high school dating games. That's good advice for casual dating, but not when you're looking for a serious relationship. Although, Spider-Who's really just needs to get out.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

It'd be great if we still lived in the 1950s.

Why? That would really cramp my style. t:

Modern USA = easiest place on earth to get laid.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

So your solution to big time mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse is just to play high school dating games with the girl? Seriously all your advice is to play high school dating games. That's good advice for casual dating, but not when you're looking for a serious relationship. Although, Spider-Who's really just needs to get out.

What do you recommend he do, other than the obvious getting a divorce?

Come on now, since you're an expert at long term relationships way more than I am, let us know.

Be specific.

 

[Anubis]

The only solution to that situation is to get divorced.....or....you know......she has an "accident".

 

[Erzengel]

I think he's let the situation go too far that it can't be salvaged.

He's let her have her way WAY too long. Normally I would advise sitting her down to talk about, "How he's not happy." and let it go from there. But again, he's reinforced her habit for too long for her to turn a new leaf.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Frankly banging a bunch of prostitutes and becoming addicted to cocaine sounds like a better alternative to the situation he's currently in.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Its funny that I posted in this thread yesterday, because this friend actually spoke to one of our buddies about it the same day. He said that he wasn't happy, even acknowledged that things were getting worse. Unfortunately, there was no sign of him trying to change things - the discussion began because he was trying to convince our friend to agree to something outrageous to placate her. Our buddies response was along the lines of "If you want to let her control you, that's your business. But your an idiot if you think I'm going to let her control ME as well." He told me that he's officially done with the situation, and is stepping away from our friend and his wife. He's been trying to be a mediator, but the power struggle there is too ridiculous and he doesn't want to be a bystander caught in the blast.

 

[Erzengel]

Maybe if she attacks you or one of your mutual friends, something will click in him.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Well, that situation sounds a helluva lot different than what you were talking about at first.
You didn't punch your wife back, you got her into a defensive headlock, and even that was only after countless physical attacks.
You don't sound like the kind of guy who would punch a woman back at all, so I don't know why you think that you would.

I was 22 at the time, and thought that's what you put up with in relationships.

I'm 41 now, and won't put up with half of what I did back then. Although maybe it's the disdain I have for my X-wife seeping though, I'm thinking if a woman physically came at me now days, I'd be less likely to take the abuse and just stop it. I have less patience for "crazy".

 

[Anita18]

Its funny that I posted in this thread yesterday, because this friend actually spoke to one of our buddies about it the same day. He said that he wasn't happy, even acknowledged that things were getting worse. Unfortunately, there was no sign of him trying to change things - the discussion began because he was trying to convince our friend to agree to something outrageous to placate her. Our buddies response was along the lines of "If you want to let her control you, that's your business. But your an idiot if you think I'm going to let her control ME as well." He told me that he's officially done with the situation, and is stepping away from our friend and his wife. He's been trying to be a mediator, but the power struggle there is too ridiculous and he doesn't want to be a bystander caught in the blast.

Your other friend did the right thing. Being steamrolled by a friend's wife is definitely no way to go.

Sounds like he's whipped to the max. Maybe he's sacrificed so much, that he's talked himself into staying and that he really loves her because what sort of idiot would he be to stand for such behavior otherwise. There's some really messed up psychology that goes on in abusive relationships and why the abused person stays. It's not always because of fear.

 

[Erzengel]

 

[Anita18]

I was 22 at the time, and thought that's what you put up with in relationships.

I'm 41 now, and won't put up with half of what I did back then. Although maybe it's the disdain I have for my X-wife seeping though, I'm thinking if a woman physically came at me now days, I'd be less likely to take the abuse and just stop it. I have less patience for "crazy".

Precisely why people shouldn't get married young. Especially if your parents' relationship is dysfunctional, because then that's all you know.

My cousin married his first gf. I think she's a nice girl and isn't a golddigger, but before he started dating her, he was convinced that he would have to make a lot of money for the "gf/wife tax." Because his mom spent a lot of his dad's money to finance her shopping addiction.

My bf's mom is a worrywart helicopter parent who whines about every little thing, but he's had a bit more relationship experience and knows that he isn't relegated to a gf who does the same thing. But maybe that's partly why he's so devoted to me, because I'm the total opposite of his mom and he doesn't want to lose me.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

What do you recommend he do, other than the obvious getting a divorce?

Come on now, since you're an expert at long term relationships way more than I am, let us know.

Be specific.

Well first thing is the guy needs to want changes to be made, which it doesn't sound like he's ready for yet. If he did though, first it's talking to her, if they can't work things out together, start doing couples thearpy. The problems need to be brought out into the open, discussed and changes need to be made. Just teasing her or being outright cruel won't change things because the things that are wrong about the relationship will still be hidden. Your suggestions are mainly about shifting power from one person to the other, but in a healthy relationship and especially when married you should be a team.

 

[Erzengel]

Erzette and I are Team Strikeforce.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Precisely why people shouldn't get married young. Especially if your parents' relationship is dysfunctional, because then that's all you know.

Well since my dad wasn't in my life, I didn't have a strong male role model to look up to. Only my Uncle Ray, and guess what he did right after his youngest graduated? Divorced my domineering aunt, and proceeded to live his life the way he wanted.

And from all accounts he was a much happier man not being married than the 24 years he was. Maybe I should take that lesson more to heart.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Well first thing is the guy needs to want changes to be made, which it doesn't sound like he's ready for yet. If he did though, first it's talking to her, if they can't work things out together, start doing couples thearpy. The problems need to be brought out into the open, discussed and changes need to be made. Just teasing her or being outright cruel won't change things because the things that are wrong about the relationship will still be hidden. Your suggestions are mainly about shifting power from one person to the other, but in a healthy relationship and especially when married you should be a team.

You know there's a problem when even her PARENTS are like WTF?! and tell her she/they need counseling. The problem with that is, like I mentioned earlier, she violently refused counseling, despite being the one to suggest it in the first place (he had said no because he misunderstood, then changed his mind).

 

[Anubis]

Well first thing is the guy needs to want changes to be made, which it doesn't sound like he's ready for yet. If he did though, first it's talking to her, if they can't work things out together, start doing couples thearpy. The problems need to be brought out into the open, discussed and changes need to be made. Just teasing her or being outright cruel won't change things because the things that are wrong about the relationship will still be hidden. Your suggestions are mainly about shifting power from one person to the other, but in a healthy relationship and especially when married you should be a team.

Wouldn't work anyway. That type of s**t might just earn him another beat down.

 

[steintym]

Spider-Who's buddy seems to be dealing with a whole different type of hell. There must be SOMETHING decent about the girl, but she seems to be evil to the core. Perhaps an exorcism is required. Crazy combined with evil ... Yikes.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Spider-Who's buddy seems to be dealing with a whole different type of hell. There must be SOMETHING decent about the girl, but she seems to be evil to the core. Perhaps an exorcism is required. Crazy combined with evil ... Yikes.

She has nice teeth.

 

[Spider-Who?]

....and did I mention she's an elementary school teacher?

 

[steintym]

....and did I mention she's an elementary school teacher?

What?!?! Save the children!

 

[Anubis]

That makes sense.