The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - Part 28

[hopefuldreamer]

Yeah if you believe that he doesn't love you full-stop and not that he's just shy or has trouble verbalizing how he feels, it comes down to what you like about being in the relationship vs what you need that he can't give you.

For the first year of being with my now-husband, I wondered if this was as good as I could expect, and seriously pondered if I was settling. But I couldn't think of a good reason to break up with him aside from him being boring and not very forthcoming with typical lovey-dovey gestures, and I was lazy so I didn't. Now I appreciate what he gives me, even if he is still not very forthcoming with typical lovey-dovey gestures. I'll take it. (Also turns out that we are both boring, haha.)


It also depends on your opinion of said friends and family and what sort of biases they might have. I have a type-A overachieving cousin, with super-high-expectation Asian parents. They've NEVER liked her husband, and they've been married for 10 years now, happily as far as I can tell. They've never liked him since the beginning. There was even drama on the wedding day because they didn't think he was good enough for her. And the ONLY THING I can possibly think of as to why they don't like him, is because he's an academic and doesn't make a lot of money. There is LITERALLY no other reason.

My mom was telling me this (she's the only one of the older generation who stands up for said cousin when everyone else is complaining about her husband) and I was like, "...I don't want to know what these relatives think of MY husband!" She says that Asian parents like that just don't get the whole emotional support thing.

Yeah I do like a lot about our relationship. It's the best I've ever had and I have no intention of ending it soon... I just feel sad because I'm not sure if it will EVER be more now. So my whole thinking of our future is just short term stuff now. And I don't feel so sure about moving in to a new place with him while I've got that in my head.

Seriously, you can't go on forever in a relationship without it, right?

 

[Erzengel]

How long have you've been together now?

 

[Anita18]

Yeah I do like a lot about our relationship. It's the best I've ever had and I have no intention of ending it soon... I just feel sad because I'm not sure if it will EVER be more now. So my whole thinking of our future is just short term stuff now. And I don't feel so sure about moving in to a new place with him while I've got that in my head.

Seriously, you can't go on forever in a relationship without it, right?

Sometimes you don't know if it will be "more" early on. I had no idea I would marry my husband, even after we were together for 2 years. It didn't make itself obvious until later than that.

Like Erz mentioned, it doesn't feel like you've been together all that long, in the big scheme of things. Relationships change over time. My relationship with my husband is different now than when we got engaged, even. It might be too early to make a call over how things might change.

Although I don't recommend you wait 3 years for things to change, like my sister did.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

How long have you've been together now?

Technically 9 months. Since started 'dating' maybe 11?

And we've lived together for 8 and a half...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Sometimes you don't know if it will be "more" early on. I had no idea I would marry my husband, even after we were together for 2 years. It didn't make itself obvious until later than that.

Like Erz mentioned, it doesn't feel like you've been together all that long, in the big scheme of things. Relationships change over time. My relationship with my husband is different now than when we got engaged, even. It might be too early to make a call over how things might change.

Although I don't recommend you wait 3 years for things to change, like my sister did.

Lol well yeah that's what I mean... I'm trying to figure out to appropriate time to cash in my chips if things don't change.

I'll probably address it again after a year.

By then we will have been abroad to meet his parents as well as a bunch of other planned holidays and gigs. I think if there is no l word from him by then, I'm gonna have to step out

It is going to be so dam hard to be that strong though.

Cause I know he would just quite happily bob along for a long time lol

 

[Erzengel]

Cause I know he would just quite happily bob along for a long time lol

Is that his personality?

You 2 are in your mid to late twenties?

I'm not saying you should have the next 5 years planned out, but before you look for a bigger place together you should be sure your futures are heading forward.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Is that his personality?

You 2 are in your mid to late twenties?

I'm not saying you should have the next 5 years planned out, but before you look for a bigger place together you should be sure your futures are heading forward.

Yeah it definitely is. He said he's never broken up with a girlfriend.

And I agree. Hence the can of worms this gas opened!

 

[Anita18]

Yeah it definitely is. He said he's never broken up with a girlfriend.

And I agree. Hence the can of worms this gas opened!

I remember you mentioned that he's always just kind of "there" and his previous girlfriends got fed up waiting for him to put forth more effort. Sounds kinda familiar.

I dunno, it's really up to you to decide how long you're willing to wait for someone who's just along for the ride. Some people are happy with a partner who is agreeable and "Whatever" about everything so there's no arguments, but some want someone with more passion.

I was the one who suggested getting married and he went along with it, but he DID keep asking me out first, so.

 

[Mr.M]

Textbook play by play breakdown by Anita once again, how does she do it ladies and gents? Not that I kinda sorta relate to that no effort kind of guy either Meeting up with some hot blonde later tonight. Should be a doozy.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah it definitely is. He said he's never broken up with a girlfriend.

And I agree. Hence the can of worms this gas opened!

Is he ambitious about anything? Work? Am I safe to assume, right now he's just happy with the things are with you. I know you've been together for less than a year but you are living together. What are his/your motives on moving to a bigger place? Is it because he sees a bigger future with you?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I remember you mentioned that he's always just kind of "there" and his previous girlfriends got fed up waiting for him to put forth more effort. Sounds kinda familiar.

I dunno, it's really up to you to decide how long you're willing to wait for someone who's just along for the ride. Some people are happy with a partner who is agreeable and "Whatever" about everything so there's no arguments, but some want someone with more passion.

I was the one who suggested getting married and he went along with it, but he DID keep asking me out first, so.

Yeah... I can't decide

Is he ambitious about anything? Work? Am I safe to assume, right now he's just happy with the things are with you. I know you've been together for less than a year but you are living together. What are his/your motives on moving to a bigger place? Is it because he sees a bigger future with you?

He's ambitious in his job (went from chef to sous chef in the first few months and hopes to be head chef when they open a second restaurant), and he has dreams for his future that he talks about a lot.

He seems happy with the way things are.

The place is the only thing that causes friction. It's a one person studio with two persons worth of stuff in, and he wakes me up all the time because he's on an opposite schedule to me. We both really want a bedroom and a living room seperate. And a cooker than works properly would be a nice bonus... and i'd love a bath instead of the crappy shower we have. And somewhere without a mould problem. And a working heater.

Yeah... I didn't mind this stuff when it was just me and it was all I could afford, but with two people's wages we can move into something a bit better.

 

[STARMAN]

I haven't seen Hopefuldreamer in such a long time. Miss seeing you on the MOS board. Make sure your boyfriend is a Superman fan.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah... I can't decide

Well you don't have to decide right away. It's always a good idea to take things as they go, and see if things change month to month or whatnot.

He's ambitious in his job (went from chef to sous chef in the first few months and hopes to be head chef when they open a second restaurant), and he has dreams for his future that he talks about a lot.

He seems happy with the way things are.

The place is the only thing that causes friction. It's a one person studio with two persons worth of stuff in, and he wakes me up all the time because he's on an opposite schedule to me. We both really want a bedroom and a living room seperate. And a cooker than works properly would be a nice bonus... and i'd love a bath instead of the crappy shower we have. And somewhere without a mould problem. And a working heater.

Yeah... I didn't mind this stuff when it was just me and it was all I could afford, but with two people's wages we can move into something a bit better.

What are leases like where you live? Here in LA, 6-month leases can be found. (Of course landlords want to see year-long leases but it depends on the market..) That's not a crazy kind of commitment to make with someone.

Then again I dated my ex 6 months longer than necessary, and my sister stuck with her ex for 3 unhappy years, so we are a stubborn, faithful bunch.

 

[Erzengel]

Being on top of one another at least for me can be an issue. We have multiple places to escape. It helps.

However, it's nice to hear he has aspirations at least career wise.

I'm not sure what it's like in the UK but a year lease is typical.

When are you looking to move?

 

[the last son]

So, I've got to a few second dates this week and it's imperative that you go for a kiss by the second date. Otherwise you can forget about ever being romanticly involved. I personally never kiss on first because it's too much of an invasion of privacy with stranger, but that means you have to do it on second date. One to show confidence and two to know where you stand.

 

[moviedoors]

So, I've got to a few second dates this week and it's imperative that you go for a kiss by the second date. Otherwise you can forget about ever being romanticly involved. I personally never kiss on first because it's too much of an invasion of privacy with stranger, but that means you have to do it on second date. One to show confidence and two to know where you stand.

You should give kissing on the first date a try. The last person I kissed on a first date I eventually ended up asking to marry and had a baby with.

 

[Anita18]

You should give kissing on the first date a try. The last person I kissed on a first date I eventually ended up asking to marry and had a baby with.

I think my now-husband kissed me like, 5 dates in, and my very first thought was, "Interesting development..."

So you know, f*** y'alls rules.

 

[Erzengel]

My wife and I kissed on the first date.

:drops mic:

 

[Arach Knight]

So, I've got to a few second dates this week and it's imperative that you go for a kiss by the second date. Otherwise you can forget about ever being romanticly involved. I personally never kiss on first because it's too much of an invasion of privacy with stranger, but that means you have to do it on second date. One to show confidence and two to know where you stand.

I can tell you with full confidence that all of the "time" and "number" rules for dating are a complete waste. Many magazines (and people parroting those magazines) love to give out romantic advice about how long to wait before accepting a date request, or how many days to wait before giving a call, or when to have sex or when to kiss. All of that advice is completely bunk. Any interaction to form a relationship is going to largely be subordinate to the context of the individuals involved.

You have to go with what works for you and the individual you are currently dealing with. Some scenarios require a slow pace, others require fervor and speed, but it all depends. I suppose to give an image, it would be similar to watching someone attempt to do a waltz to every single genre of music, regardless of how appropriate (or if the dance even matches the time signature of a particular genre). Sometimes, you have to shift dance moves when the song changes.

The real focus should be on what you want out of relationship, what a person of interest is offering in regards to what you are seeking, and how comfortable you are with the pace. It took an entire year for me to go on a first date with my third girlfriend. Alternatively, it took me four days to go on my first date with the woman that is now my wife. Context is everything.

 

[PacificBoy]

So, I've got to a few second dates this week and it's imperative that you go for a kiss by the second date. Otherwise you can forget about ever being romanticly involved. I personally never kiss on first because it's too much of an invasion of privacy with stranger, but that means you have to do it on second date. One to show confidence and two to know where you stand.

Do you also have a 'it's imperative that you get sex by x date' timeline? Because you said before you have this problem of defining your relationships by the amount of sex you'll get.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

It's all good and everything to have dating guidelines. But like Anita and others have previously said, there are no rules when dating...
Things happen from moment to moment, which is probably why I have found and still do find dating to be bewildering.
The parameters can change instantly and without warning.

One moment you are sitting on the sofa with your date, the next you are playing tonsil tennis with them sitting astride you.
And while it's great fun, there is a bit of my mind saying to me "Where the hell did that come from?" In an amused, surprised kind of way!

I guess what I am saying is no date is ever the same, even when they are with the same person!
The trick, I have now realised, is for both of you to try and be as aware as you can of what the others wants and needs are and do your best to accommodate them. As long as there are no ethical, legal or moral boundaries being crossed!

 

[Erzengel]

I believe in a time frame for some things?

Like there has to be chemistry by the 2nd or 3rd date. And in my experience, if there's chemistry, there's usually intimacy.

 

[Anita18]

I believe in a time frame for some things?

Like there has to be chemistry by the 2nd or 3rd date. And in my experience, if there's chemistry, there's usually intimacy.

Depends on the people though, which is why I'm not into rules or time frames or whatever. My husband is extremely shy and didn't truly let it all hang out (at least emotionally) until we were together for like, years. And we're more comfortable with each other now than when we got engaged, even.

But it's not like either of us had room to be picky. Hubs is a picky, sensitive, antisocial, nerdy, introverted hermit. I am an unsexy, nerdy, introverted hermit tomboy that may be too smart for her own good. Not sure who else would have us if we didn't find each other....

Maybe if one has no problem finding dates, rules and time frames are methods to weed people out. Not everyone can afford to do that.

But at the end of the day, relationships are really about being able to grow together. And it's about balance too. If the stuff you like about someone trumps the stuff you don't like, then stay. If the bad stuff trumps the good stuff, then leave. Everyone has their personal preferences and definitions for that.

 

[Erzengel]

I think I'm more into people who are pretty open? So yeah I'd probably wouldn't give someone who's extremely shy 10 dates just until she's comfortable. If I lose out, I lose out. If I was single and actively searching especially multiple dates, I'm not looking for a project.

I also think as you get older the speed of dating tends to be quicker. You're not 20 years old anymore, waiting for some perfect moment or pining away after someone. There is sometimes a more expedited attitude as you age.

 

[Arach Knight]

I believe in a time frame for some things?

Like there has to be chemistry by the 2nd or 3rd date. And in my experience, if there's chemistry, there's usually intimacy.

The timing for chemistry is more dependent upon the receptiveness of each person than it is upon the actual development of compatibility. You may very well encounter someone who would make a great partner for you, but convince yourself that the person is not a fit because of a perceived lack of "chemistry."

Chemistry =/= compatibility. When people say "there was no chemistry", what they often mean is "the encounter did not go as I imagined." In other words, the problem is rarely compatibility, but most often is a false or unrealized expectation.

One effectively limits their own dating options by basing their interest level off of an intangible metric such as "chemistry." Sit and ask yourself to qualitatively define "chemistry" and see how meaningful/concrete your own response is. Then take your response and ask how it affects a sustainable relationship compared to concrete factors such as loyalty, supportiveness, kindness, responsibility etc.

I am not suggesting that chemistry is not a real quality, nor am I insinuating that a strong connection is unnecessary. But the immediacy that people expect in order for a connection to manifest is detrimental rather than helpful. If would be like refusing to eat a meal because it isn't coming out of the oven fast enough, so instead you eat fast food because it is gratifying now even if not for the long term.