The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Lord Valumart]

So a while ago some people started a comic book group at the local library and I went along. There was only like 4 of us and over time we became good friends and hug out together doing other things beyond just the comic book meet ups.

One of the group was a girl I got on really well with. She was new to comics but was really excited so I suggested things to read and loaned her some of my books. Over the space of like two or three months we got pretty close. We'd be texting long into the night and hanging out with out the others, but neither of us really thought of it as anything other than just friends. During a long conversation about lesbians she'd said she was asexual, which I don't believe is a thing, but whatever.

Just over two weeks ago she left for uni, and I'll be honest that I was really going to miss her. Well last Wednesday me and the other guys from the comic group went to a pub quiz. We naturally got horribly drunk and I ended up telling this girl entirely how I felt about her. Which had apparently been obvious to everyone else in the group for a lot longer than it had been to me. She comes back with "I need time to think about this", which during my drunken state caused me to throw my phone at a tree.

Next day I'm hungover feeling like crap and I get a message saying that we pretty much need to talk face to face about it and we both agree that doing anything over text or the phone isn't the best way to go about it. So the only time we could meet up is this Saturday night, a week and a half after I text her. But we've been talking since then like nothings happened and it's really weird and hard now. I'm kinda freaking out about Saturday. I really find it hard to do serious talking, especially about feelings.

 

[Erzengel]

Being asexual is a thing.

That doesn't mean they can't develop feelings for people, but that could mean that they may not get the longings in certain areas.

 

[Anita18]

There are sex addicts and people with low sex drives. Why not take that one step further to asexuality? Makes sense.

At any rate, the most important thing regarding discussions about feelings is to clear the air. You don't have to figure everything out right then, but getting things off your chest will be a big relief.

You also have to figure out if her being asexual (and believe her when she says she is - she MIGHT decide she feels different later, but telling her it doesn't exist is going to be a BIG no-no) will be a sticking point. You saw how in the last page how sex was a sticking point for hopeful.

And even if she does decide she isn't asexual, she probably won't want to do it all the time if she doesn't feel it now.

Like, you hear that women are horny all the time after 30, but for me, it's honestly not much different from before.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^Good on you Retro!

Maybe you should have done this ages ago, but at least you have done it now. Well done and don't feel bad or go back and fix her laptop and stuff.

It's hard to end relationships when we have hope for them or we don't want to go back to being on our own again but it's for the best mate.

I bet you feel lighter in a way having this all lifted off you.

Man, I feel so relaxed about things now. I can't and I mean that literally, can't remember what it previously felt like to be this chilled about, well, everything.
There are still a couple of things that need finishing off where she is concerned, but I have zero concerns about them or indeed, her reactions.
As I now know how to put her onto an ignore list in my phone...

The only thing that pisses me off a bit? The loss of my unfinished cosplay outfit. Mainly the expense, but also just how damn good the print on that material looked!

But, I can just save up for another one. And it gives me a reason to visit New York this time next year!

 

[ComicChick]

well... i don't even know how to wrap my head around this, so i'll just throw this out there bluntly:

a former coworker asked me out of the blue today to be a surrogate, and that she'd pay me $30k. to say i was shocked is to put it mildly. still am. i declined lol

 

[Anita18]

Man, I feel so relaxed about things now. I can't and I mean that literally, can't remember what it previously felt like to be this chilled about, well, everything.
There are still a couple of things that need finishing off where she is concerned, but I have zero concerns about them or indeed, her reactions.
As I now know how to put her onto an ignore list in my phone...

And this is why picking a good partner is so important for women AND men.

The fact that you can't remember the last time you were relaxed about everything says it all. Glad you finally got out.

well... i don't even know how to wrap my head around this, so i'll just throw this out there bluntly:

a former coworker asked me out of the blue today to be a surrogate, and that she'd pay me $30k. to say i was shocked is to put it mildly. still am. i declined lol

Yes that is....odd.

Also odd because you'd have to take time off of your fairly physical job and it's like, how is this going to help you in the long run, I'm not sure. Besides getting the $30K off the bat, I suppose, but yeah, it isn't like a good investment of your time otherwise.

 

[ComicChick]

Also odd because you'd have to take time off of your fairly physical job and it's like, how is this going to help you in the long run, I'm not sure. Besides getting the $30K off the bat, I suppose, but yeah, it isn't like a good investment of your time otherwise.

that's exactly what i was thinking. my job is very physical.
30k is nice and all, but it's not really worth it to me. especially with the time and commitment that comes along with a pregnancy. i'm not ready to make that sacrifice yet, and when i am, i want it to be for my children when i'm ready to have them.

oddly enough, this isn't the first time i've been asked about possibly doing this. a friend of mine got pregnant when we were in high school and during her checkups it was discovered that she had ovarian cancer. she ended up having to have a hysterectomy like right after and couldn't have any more children. a couple years back when she got married, she asked me once if i'd ever consider it if they decided for children. i was even younger and less ready than i am now but luckily she never asked again.

 

[Anita18]

that's exactly what i was thinking. my job is very physical.
30k is nice and all, but it's not really worth it to me. especially with the time and commitment that comes along with a pregnancy. i'm not ready to make that sacrifice yet, and when i am, i want it to be for my children when i'm ready to have them.

oddly enough, this isn't the first time i've been asked about possibly doing this. a friend of mine got pregnant when we were in high school and during her checkups it was discovered that she had ovarian cancer. she ended up having to have a hysterectomy like right after and couldn't have any more children. a couple years back when she got married, she asked me once if i'd ever consider it if they decided for children. i was even younger and less ready than i am now but luckily she never asked again.

It's also really weird since usually surrogates are women who already have their own children. That way they know a healthy pregnancy is possible with the surrogate, and you don't end up like Kate Middleton who's on her second pregnancy with Satan's version of morning sickness. (I heard from one friend, her niece had it so bad she was on strict bed rest ALL NINE MONTHS, on fluids and crazy stuff. And then she had another kid and it almost killed her again.)

Singer Tori Amos kept miscarrying until a doctor found out she had a chronic vitamin deficiency and required daily shots to keep a baby alive. She's only had one child, it's understandable why she didn't want to go through all that again.

It just seems weird and sketchy that someone would be like, "Yeah, CC is young and female, she can totes be a surrogate!" Like uh, it isn't always that easy.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Well, Boys and Girls...

The last couple of things I needed to do to scrape the residue of my ended relationship off of my soul (geddit?) is done and I now have the rest of my life to look forward to.

Along with an awesome trip to New York from the 9th until the 13th of October...
t:

Hey! Anyone wanna come out for a drink with me while I'm there? Come on, don't be shy!

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

What a strange thing to say?

I've just realised how weird it is that joking and threatening a man's balls or actually hitting a guy there is just accepted as normal and okay these days. WTF is that about and how did it become okay to threaten someones reproductive organs?

Hmm, I'm gonna try something...


One of my good female friends always annoys me and pisses me off all the time on purpose, I think if she doesn't stop it I'm going to kick her in her crotch or punch her in her boobs


So does that sound okay to say that about a woman?

It's interesting to reverse the situation isn't it. Joking about or actually hitting a woman in the crotch or boobs should be fine shouldn't it?

Hell no it's not fine at all, just as it's not fine to do so to a male. So how did it become a big old joke for men to be hit in the crotch and yet a female would be being sexually assaulted and attacked? Seems to me men are treated as though they don't get hurt or upset. We were told growing up (boys and girls) that you only ever hit someone there if you are being seriously threatened or assaulted.

Our poor balls are not a joke, you hear me world! *shakes fist at sky furiously*

This isn't an attack on you Hopey D, just our mad society we exist in, I'm even wearing a cup as I type this in case I annoy my laptop and it kicks me in the plums...

Sorry about the off topic crazy equality crotch rant, I was bored waiting for my big pot of stew to cook on the range. It looks and smells so good!

Is there a Hype Award for strangest rant? I may have a chance at that t:



Sooo relationships then...

It might be because of the hilarious faces we pull just after we get kicked in the nuts?

 

[Lord Valumart]

There are sex addicts and people with low sex drives. Why not take that one step further to asexuality? Makes sense.

At any rate, the most important thing regarding discussions about feelings is to clear the air. You don't have to figure everything out right then, but getting things off your chest will be a big relief.

The biggest thing is the whole talking about feelings. I don't really like doing that, with anyone. I find it difficult to express how I feel most of the time. That's why I'm kinda worried about it, that I'm going to screw up.

You also have to figure out if her being asexual (and believe her when she says she is - she MIGHT decide she feels different later, but telling her it doesn't exist is going to be a BIG no-no) will be a sticking point. You saw how in the last page how sex was a sticking point for hopeful.

And even if she does decide she isn't asexual, she probably won't want to do it all the time if she doesn't feel it now.

Like, you hear that women are horny all the time after 30, but for me, it's honestly not much different from before.

Honestly I have a pretty low sex drive anyhow, so it doesn't really bother me that much. Sex is less about fun for me and more about being really intimate someone. It might be an issue down the line, but that'd be something to cross when it comes to it?

 

[Anita18]

The biggest thing is the whole talking about feelings. I don't really like doing that, with anyone. I find it difficult to express how I feel most of the time. That's why I'm kinda worried about it, that I'm going to screw up.

I think the trick is to talk directly about feelings, but make it simple. Feelings are kind of mysterious and often aren't logical, but people try to make it logical and it messes everything up. ("So you like me? How much do you like me? Do you like me better than that other girl? Do you want to be in a relationship? Where do you see this going???") Like, how does that help anyone make any decisions?

Make it partly about how you feel, but in simple terms. Then bring action into it. Like, "Hey I like you, I think we should go out and see where it goes, what do you think?"

Honestly I have a pretty low sex drive anyhow, so it doesn't really bother me that much. Sex is less about fun for me and more about being really intimate someone. It might be an issue down the line, but that'd be something to cross when it comes to it?

Right. I mean, if you know you have a high sex drive and she doesn't, then that's a non-starter, but if you're around the same level, might as well give it a shot.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

What a strange thing to say?

I've just realised how weird it is that joking and threatening a man's balls or actually hitting a guy there is just accepted as normal and okay these days. WTF is that about and how did it become okay to threaten someones reproductive organs?

Hmm, I'm gonna try something...

One of my good female friends always annoys me and pisses me off all the time on purpose, I think if she doesn't stop it I'm going to kick her in her crotch or punch her in her boobs

So does that sound okay to say that about a woman?

It's interesting to reverse the situation isn't it. Joking about or actually hitting a woman in the crotch or boobs should be fine shouldn't it?

Hell no it's not fine at all, just as it's not fine to do so to a male. So how did it become a big old joke for men to be hit in the crotch and yet a female would be being sexually assaulted and attacked? Seems to me men are treated as though they don't get hurt or upset. We were told growing up (boys and girls) that you only ever hit someone there if you are being seriously threatened or assaulted.

Our poor balls are not a joke, you hear me world! *shakes fist at sky furiously*

This isn't an attack on you Hopey D, just our mad society we exist in, I'm even wearing a cup as I type this in case I annoy my laptop and it kicks me in the plums...

Sorry about the off topic crazy equality crotch rant, I was bored waiting for my big pot of stew to cook on the range. It looks and smells so good!

Is there a Hype Award for strangest rant? I may have a chance at that t:

Sooo relationships then...

Hey, some guys like a bit of CBT

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
Compulsory Basic Training?

 

[DarthDorranceBane]

I'm having two minds on whether to post this or not... One side of me says that it doesn't really matter... but I'm a guy who overthinks things so:

I know looks doesn't really matter but I've seen a girl I used to go out with today just a few minutes ago, and, she's probably one of the good looking ones and she still is, the kind of good looking that made me go, "what did I do wrong again?" There's no bad blood between us, it's just that one day I was surprised that she told me she's with this guy. Does anyone here has any experience like this?

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

I'm having two minds on whether to post this or not... One side of me says that it doesn't really matter... but I'm a guy who overthinks things so:

I know looks doesn't really matter but I've seen a girl I used to go out with today just a few minutes ago, and, she's probably one of the good looking ones and she still is, the kind of good looking that made me go, "what did I do wrong again?" There's no bad blood between us, it's just that one day I was surprised that she told me she's with this guy. Does anyone here has any experience like this?

Darth, this might mean she still misses you a bit and is trying to stir jealousy in you so you miss her too. It's probably subconscious on her part. My advice would be to play it cool, and congratulate her, and it'll seem like you don't care too much, which may (no promises) make her gravitate back towards you if she ever breaks up with this guy. If you show jealousy though, you might play into her hands. Just play it cool for now.

Yes, it's happened to me too. A few times.

If you want to return the favor for the advice, could you vote for me in my Death Match? (shameless plugging) http://forums.superherohype.com/showthread.php?t=486997

 

[DarthDorranceBane]

Unfortunately for me, she's already married, to that guy I lose her to. And no, it's not that she misses me, we have no contact since we separated ways, it's just I've seen her in the very place I first met her. She's with other people, she nodded at me when she's seen me, but we both didn't attempt to talk to each other because I'm assuming that she probably doesn't want to be talked about. I've met a couple of girls after her but like I've said she's really really pretty that it made me think that how I wish things went the other way instead of me being a sad single man I am today.

 

[Perfect Cell]

That'll happen. Especially if this location is a common one for both of you (if you met there, it seems like it might). But it sounds very civil, so that's a plus. Regret is a powerful thing, and reminders like that don't help. But it sounds like you've got a good handle on how and why you feel the way you do, so you're on the right track, I think.

PS- Yes, vote for JJJ.

 

[Anita18]

JJJ's answer is a possibility. There's also the possibility that she's telling you upfront so that you don't try to put the moves on her and make things awkward. You don't really know unless you ask, but there's no use really in doing so, because she'd be off-limits either way....

 

[DarthDorranceBane]

I'm too uptight and too conservative to make a move on a married woman. In fact I'm too uptight to make a move on any girl at all haha.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Is her looks and your loneliness all that makes you feel like you missed out?

 

[Godzilla2000]

If there are any Gay/Lesbian Hype Users in here who could please tell me this is the exception, not the rule but it seems to me that a gay guy behaves worse when it comes to breaking up than a straight female. Why do I say this? Well because I'm being put through the emotional wringer by a closet gay guy because his male lover wants to leave him for me. Well he's been throwing quite a hissy fit over all this but the fact is that this lover has had a closet crush on me for longer than he's known this closet gay guy. But my God, I've dealt with straight girls that have dealt better with their guy leaving them to date me than this closet gay guy. This guy, it's like the world is ending and he's going to die because his gay lover decided he likes being straight better right now. Why is it such crime for a guy that has had a gay dalliance to leave their gay lover for a woman? Does this invalidate the ex's lifestyle choices? Seriously, he's acting like a totally spoiled drama queen complete with all the dramatic swooning and tantrums. Thing is there's another guy that's crazy about him who is a better match for him because they share more in common with each other than the guy that has a crush on me.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

No. One person is never a representation of the whole group of any kind of people.

Though I feel like you could have a bit of sympathy. He loves a guy who apparently no longer loves him. Of course he's going to be upset. Different people handle that differently, and when you add the added complication of confused sexualities in there, it does become quite intense.

I'd just try and keep out of it if I were you. I mean, if you like the guy, there is nothing wrong with pursuing it if they are no longer together. But I wouldn't get involved in what's going on between the two of them. It's between them.

 

[Godzilla2000]

You know, I'd be more sympathetic if he wasn't trying to make my life miserable by bullying me all the time and attacking me for things that are beyond my control. He's a narcissistic ego case and I have no sympathy for his pain. Bullying me is not going to make me kind to your plight. If you act appallingly towards me I'm not going to just sit there and take it, I'm going to give as good as I get.

You know, at least the guy that he "loves" is still alive. The one guy that could have been my everything died before I ever got to know him.

 

[DarthDorranceBane]

Is her looks and your loneliness all that makes you feel like you missed out?

This sounds shallow but it's her looks, but then again I'm still lonely at the moment.

I have this feeling right now that I really really need to find my better half, but at the same time I was too frustrated to bother and to care and I would rather do other things than to expend my energy on this matter. Has anyone else experienced this and how were you able to get out of this?

Another thing... how much time do most need to gauge whether you want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone? Was "instant spark" really needed? I guess I haven't met someone I really really like or I was trying to really prove this idea that I need to know someone better before telling them that I like them, or was that idea/move wrong?