The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - Part 28

[Anita18]

Jeez, I haven't posted in this thread in months.

So around the end of September I got in with a friendship group from another school. I'd known a lot of the guys in it for years thanks to my church but they finally introduced me to their friends at school and since then I've been going to their meet-ups and stuff. I immediately hit it off with this girl there; in truth the reason I started talking to her was fairly shallow (she's hot) but we hit it off nonetheless and have met up frequently since. A close friend of mine actually knows her too, because they did Dance together, and in their conversations she has said that she's "unsure" on whether she likes me but thinks I'm cute. She's said the same thing to our other friends.

I haven't exactly been secret in saying I like her; all her friends know, all my friends know and they usually treat it as a known thing. On our first meet up we walked up this big hill/forest thing and our friends had found out about it, so they stuck 'Missing' posters of me all over the trees and how I was lost in the "deep, dark pits of the friendzone". There was a sign on the gate saying 'WARNING: You Are Now Entering The Friend Zone'. It was actually pretty hilarious and we both found it funny.

On Wednesday she and her family were headed to Thorpe Park (big theme park here in the UK) for Fright Night, but her friend suddenly bailed on her so I offered to go and she said yes. Her parents are divorced and both have new partners so this was me meeting her mum's side; last week I met her dad whom she had previously told about me and she said she'd also told her mum about me. She wasn't clear about whether she just told them because they asked who she was meeting up with or whether it was a "there's this guy I like" kinda thing. They're a really close family and tell each other everything so it could be either. It went really well, but since then she's been acting really blunt and odd around me. I was usually the one to message first anyway but she's hardly putting any effort to continue the conversation and is acting completely uninterested in anything I say. We have a group chat where she acts normal so I know it's not just a mood thing. I can't think of anything I've done or said, either.

Because of this my interest in starting to go down. I've realised that we don't actually have a lot in common; she's a big Star Wars/Indiana Jones/Disney fan however other than that her film and TV tastes are different to mine and we really don't have a lot in common other than that. Sure, she's hot but I don't date people just because they're hot. I feel like I'm stuck in a dilemma right now because there seems to have been this building thing for weeks of whether we'll date or not - our friends have repeatedly said to me "you guys should go out," and, "she really likes you," however at the moment I'm failing to see the evidence. It feels kinda ****** of me to turn around after weeks of me saying that I really like her and say "I changed my mind, sorry." Especially because I've met her family and she's told them about me (I never even met my ex-girlfriend's family and we dated for three months).

My question is whether it would be a supremely *******-ish thing of me to do or whether I'm allowed because we haven't officially "gone out".

But that's the thing, you haven't actually gone out. All of this "Do I really like her" business is just strictly hypothetical. You won't know until you guys actually go on a date like, together and stuff.

My husband and I actually have very few things in common. That's okay. We like being together anyway. When you're together more than a year or you live together, you can't converse 24/7, so there has to be something there other than common interests or sex.

And her weird behavior could be from nervousness. It sounds like you two are very sheltered, from your social circles through church. It's very likely that you're all making "dating" a WAY bigger deal than it is, but dating is just a way for two people to see how they jive together. There's no commitment to keep dating after the first date. Most of my first dates have gone nowhere, but I only started dating after college.

Yeah...alcohol...

If she's so "hurt" she won't talk to you I highly doubt a meaningful and significant connection with you is what she was after. Seems like high drama and people being unreasonable. Either way, not exactly painting a picture of somebody you want to get to know better in any way, shape or form. If this is how she reacts when she's trying to get somebody's attention you can bet a chainsaw enema is preferable to a relationship with her.

This x1000000.

Nell also complained about being made the "bad guy," but it mostly seems like he needs more sane friends. They're not really your friends if they accuse you of such things, let alone do it without hearing your side.

 

[Pfeiffer-Pfan]

This x1000000.

Nell also complained about being made the "bad guy," but it mostly seems like he needs more sane friends. They're not really your friends if they accuse you of such things, let alone do it without hearing your side.

This is essentially a different group of friends that started hanging out with us the past 2 months or so.

All my friends are just telling me to ignore it and while I have no desire to explain myself to this other group, I don't like the fact that I've (unintentionally) hurt this girls feelings.

 

[DeadPresident]

This x1000000.

Nell also complained about being made the "bad guy," but it mostly seems like he needs more sane friends. They're not really your friends if they accuse you of such things, let alone do it without hearing your side.

It's nothing personal, he seemed like a decent enough guy, but he comes off like one of those people that attracts drama and makes mountains out of mole hills. He's like a male version of this chick Pfan is describing.

There's nothing more detrimental to anybody's mental state than attributing irrational value to inconsequential events. If the girl Pfan is talking about wasn't a nutcase she'd just have asked to have a word with him in private, and related her feelings to him and asked if he might be interested in coffee or w/e. Instead of expecting him to smell her interest and then having a mental breakdown when he doesn't turn out to be Ms Cleo.

This is essentially a different group of friends that started hanging out with us the past 2 months or so.

All my friends are just telling me to ignore it and while I have no desire to explain myself to this other group, I don't like the fact that I've (unintentionally) hurt this girls feelings.

This second group sounds like a bunch of ****ing idiots...If it was only the one girl that spazzed out it would be fine, but if her friends are blaming you for the situation they're not worth your time. They sound like the group from Mean Girls. You don't need to explain yourself, it's them blowing this out of proportion.

I blame popular TV series glamorizing social drama

 

[the last son]

On my way out to dinner with chick from bar. All i can do is be myself and hope for the best.

 

[Hyde]

My $.02....if you're not "feeling it", then you're not feeling it.

You're not obligated to keep dating someone you don't really feel that interested in. Actually, if you're not really into the other person, I think it's kind of unfair to keep dating them.

You could also just straight-up ask her why she's acting different though.

I'll message her tomorrow and if she's still acting strange then I'll try and ask. And yeah, I understand that there's no obligation and I wouldn't feel one if such a big deal hadn't already been made about it, by me and our friends (they're writing a song about our "love for each other," as is the usual for when people in the group get into situations like this).

But that's the thing, you haven't actually gone out. All of this "Do I really like her" business is just strictly hypothetical. You won't know until you guys actually go on a date like, together and stuff.

My husband and I actually have very few things in common. That's okay. We like being together anyway. When you're together more than a year or you live together, you can't converse 24/7, so there has to be something there other than common interests or sex.

And her weird behavior could be from nervousness. It sounds like you two are very sheltered, from your social circles through church. It's very likely that you're all making "dating" a WAY bigger deal than it is, but dating is just a way for two people to see how they jive together. There's no commitment to keep dating after the first date. Most of my first dates have gone nowhere, but I only started dating after college.

Thank you for the advice Anita - it's always greatly appreciated.

Well, I guess our meet-ups count as dates. Not the whole group, just us. If they are counted as dates then we've gone on three dates, and on the third I met her family. In person we get along really well, it's just over Facebook where things start to fail.

That could also be applied to us; we have very few things in common but we enjoy each other's company - she must do anyway because otherwise I wouldn't have spent the day with her at her house and at a theme park.

Yeah, we are, as per the norm for teenagers. I met up with them tonight (she wasn't there) and one of them actually thought we were officially going out based on how much people talk about it. I dunno whether it is nervousness because I'm always the one instigating conversation, and that always comes with a degree of nervousness. This has actually happened before a few weeks ago, she started being blunt so I stopped messaging her and she complained to her friends that she didn't know why I wasn't talking to her and was "unsure" on the liking thing. I found it really weird - surely if you miss talking to someone then you should just message them yourself? I messaged her again after that and things went back to normal, until now obviously.

Like I said above I understand that there's no commitment or anything, it's just because such a big deal has been made of it that I sort of feel trapped in this situation. If she turns around and says that she isn't interested and only sees me as a friend then that will obviously solve it, but I dunno. It's all messy-overreactive-teenage-stuff.

Also, Pfeiffer, those girls sound kinda crazy. She shouldn't be mad at you because you couldn't guess her feelings, especially when she didn't even try and offer up any hints.

 

[Pfeiffer-Pfan]

Also, Pfeiffer, those girls sound kinda crazy. She shouldn't be mad at you because you couldn't guess her feelings, especially when she didn't even try and offer up any hints.

Thank you, Hyde. Yeah, It's a shame because she seemed like a perfectly nice girl before this incident.

I do feel sorry for upsetting her, but I was completely oblivious to her (very strong) feelings. If she can't bring herself to have a chat with me about it all, then I suppose there is nothing I can do.

 

[the last son]

okay so my date is over with that girl. Man that crap cost me 50 bucks she had two glasses of wine.and then she had her dinner. Listen don't get me wrong the date went well, she was good looking, very smart, and classy. But I didn't plan on spending that much. all that and I got no type of interaction physically from her. And before somebody tells me I need to initiate the action it was never really a chance.she did send a text thanking me for dinner and saying she had a really great time, but I thought we will be a little bit more intimate.

 

[the last son]

She is already inviting me to events down the line so maybe it'll pay off.

 

[the last son]

after a lot of talking and texting after our date she says that I can spend the night with her tomorrow. Don't worry gang I've learned the lesson condoms

 

[Erzengel]

Are you looking for fun or is the option of a relationship out there?

 

[the last son]

It's possible. Why you think i should turn down sex if i want long term?

 

[Hyde]

Spoke a little bit with this girl today and she was still acting blunt and uninterested. Tried to get onto a conversation about school work with me saying how I can't wait to "burn all my Spanish books next year," and she just replied with "Ahh right xxxx" - that's pretty much been the general automated response from her for a few days. Asked if I was annoying her and she said no that she was just tired and busy. I left her alone after that however she was then messaging our group chat talking about schoolwork and revision stress.

I'll wait a few days and see what happens.

 

[Erzengel]

It's possible. Why you think i should turn down sex if i want long term?

Sex happens when it happens. My point is you seem to rank a date based on how much you spend vs. intimacy. Dating costs money. She is not obliged to put out regardless of how much you spend. Spend dates getting to know someone and whether you are compatible. Dont keep tabs on how much you are spending.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So my boyfriend is doing really well in his new job and the plan is for him to move in with a friend of his by the end of the month.

All at the same time, a friend of mine is having to move out by the end of the month... and i've the big decision that it's time for me to reduce my living costs by house sharing with someone (to which she is very enthusiastic).

The thing is...

There's a part of me that just wants to say 'Why don't we just sack of those two and get a 1 bed flat together?' to my boyfriend.

But... I just am not sure about how fast this has all gone, and I think we've just gotten so comfy and lazy together. It might be good to live apart again and have to make effort to see each other and actually do things when we do.

What do you guys think?

Do you think by going our seperate ways it will be the end of the relationship?

Or will it cement it?

 

[the last son]

Sex happens when it happens. My point is you seem to rank a date based on how much you spend vs. intimacy. Dating costs money. She is not obliged to put out regardless of how much you spend. Spend dates getting to know someone and whether you are compatible. Dont keep tabs on how much you are spending.

I wasn't expecting intimacy based off money spent, but just as a means to know she's into me. She seems to be though and we keep in constant contact through text. She wants to meet up, but always says whenever you want to, so I have to be a man and set something up for us. Any suggestions for a fun second date. We could go jogging, but she might like running in her own. Possible bowling. I'm just thinking of something competitive. Competition brings out the fun in people.

 

[the last son]

We had a good first date. Conversation flowed nicely. We have a lot in common, other than she's college educated, from well off family and things of that nature. She's a lot more outgoing and I'm reserved and laid back.

 

[Anita18]

So my boyfriend is doing really well in his new job and the plan is for him to move in with a friend of his by the end of the month.

All at the same time, a friend of mine is having to move out by the end of the month... and i've the big decision that it's time for me to reduce my living costs by house sharing with someone (to which she is very enthusiastic).

The thing is...

There's a part of me that just wants to say 'Why don't we just sack of those two and get a 1 bed flat together?' to my boyfriend.

But... I just am not sure about how fast this has all gone, and I think we've just gotten so comfy and lazy together. It might be good to live apart again and have to make effort to see each other and actually do things when we do.

What do you guys think?

Do you think by going our seperate ways it will be the end of the relationship?

Or will it cement it?

It really, really depends on the relationship. And you often won't know until you do it, haha.

Living together cemented ours because I treasure the little "boring" things we do every day instead of big special dates. But you may want something different. You may want the special outings, in which case you either have to make lots of effort while living together, or live apart and make seeing each other be special.

For you guys, there's also the consideration that he didn't seem to be the most responsive of people. (My husband's the same.) If you don't live together, you might not hear from him for days. Maybe that non-responsiveness will feel different now that you HAVE lived together.

 

[the last son]

Second date is set. We're going bowling. Thought I'd pick something competitive where we could joke around a little bit and loosen up.

 

[Anubis]

Whatever you do, don't drop the ball on her foot.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

If she starts winning... Do drop the ball on her foot. t:

 

[the last son]

I looked up some of her social media accounts and she's pretty rich and stays in a nice place. Why do I always get dates with rich women? Well not rich, but from more well off families than myself. I just don't see how a relationship can work being on opposite sides of town. Meaning Urban areas vs suburban. Oh well. Won't hurt to try.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
Exactly... Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

 

[Feenix]

Stop humouring this guy. He's desperate for attention.

 

[the last son]

yep you bring attention to me by bringing me up. You can always just put me on ignore.

 

[Feenix]

Spoke a little bit with this girl today and she was still acting blunt and uninterested. Tried to get onto a conversation about school work with me saying how I can't wait to "burn all my Spanish books next year," and she just replied with "Ahh right xxxx" - that's pretty much been the general automated response from her for a few days. Asked if I was annoying her and she said no that she was just tired and busy. I left her alone after that however she was then messaging our group chat talking about schoolwork and revision stress.

I'll wait a few days and see what happens.

I know it can be a hard thing to muster up the courage, but you could ask her straight up how she feels. She may not actually know what she wants and won't give you a straight answer, but you might be able to get a sense of where she is coming from.

It's good that you have the ability to wait it out and see what happens. That will help you in later years