The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[Erzengel]

The fact that your gf believes that her mom loves you means she's oblivious to her real feelings about you. Which also may mean, that maybe she doesn't bad mouth you to your gf.

I had to win my mother in law over in a sense. It wasn't because of me personally but what I represented. That I was taking her away from her and the family. It took a while, but now she looks at me like a member of the family.

That might happen with you, or it might not and be a source of contention between your gf or future fiance/wife.

 

[Anita18]

The money is a big issue. Yes, we would essentially be renting the place and we both work part time for not a lot of money. She says it would "only be $500 a month" but that is still a lot.
And you are all right, I admit I keep a lot in. I've always been that way, well before I met Kerri. It doesn't help that she thinks her mom is a saint that loves me and I think she gives me dirty looks, makes catty comments and called me a moron when she thought I was asleep.
I just never thought a damn house would go for sale across the street from her family.

Have you ever thought why that is? My husband is normally very VERY quiet. It's the first thing people mention when they meet him. But when he has an issue, he'd rather take care of it ASAP rather than stew on it, and especially without waiting to see if it resolves itself first. We've never gone to bed angry at each other.

There's only one situation where not talking about any heavy stuff works out in a marriage, and that's when both partners agree on absolutely everything 100%. Then the no-talking thing works, because there's no point in it. It seems you're totally not in that category, so....

Also, the fact that you and her don't even see eye-to-eye with how her mom thinks of you is another red flag. I mean, it's one thing to not say anything bad about your daughter's bf. I knew my mom wasn't too hot on my sister's ex, but she didn't bad-mouth him. Just joked sometimes about his not-so-great qualities, so my sister knew he was being tolerated but didn't think Mom adored him or anything.

 

[Anita18]

The fact that your gf believes that her mom loves you means she's oblivious to her real feelings about you. Which also may mean, that maybe she doesn't bad mouth you to your gf.

I had to win my mother in law over in a sense. It wasn't because of me personally but what I represented. That I was taking her away from her and the family. It took a while, but now she looks at me like a member of the family.

That might happen with you, or it might not and be a source of contention between your gf or future fiance/wife.

My husband didn't start out on the right foot with my parents. The same way he can't flirt out of a wet paper bag, he can't charm people over either. He's very standoffish.

But when they saw how he treated me (my mom mentioned they wanted someone who would "treasure their daughters," and he does do that very well ), they turned around pretty quick. He's very much a member of the family now.

 

[Schlosser85]

My husband didn't start out on the right foot with my parents. The same way he can't flirt out of a wet paper bag, he can't charm people over either. He's very standoffish.

But when they saw how he treated me (my mom mentioned they wanted someone who would "treasure their daughters," and he does do that very well ), they turned around pretty quick. He's very much a member of the family now.

I'm the same way.

My ex was a pathological liar, so I don't know exactly what his mom thought about me. He told me she thought I was creepy once. But once I stayed the whole night with him at the hospital when his grandmother was dying, and his mom hugged me and thanked me for staying. So I don't know.

 

[Hobgoblin]

The fact that your gf believes that her mom loves you means she's oblivious to her real feelings about you. Which also may mean, that maybe she doesn't bad mouth you to your gf.

I had to win my mother in law over in a sense. It wasn't because of me personally but what I represented. That I was taking her away from her and the family. It took a while, but now she looks at me like a member of the family.

That might happen with you, or it might not and be a source of contention between your gf or future fiance/wife.

I dont think that her mom says anything bad about me to her. Neither of us want to make waves. In a way I have won over her mom, because they do seem to like me more than they liked her ex. The point of contention is that I'm an atheist and her mom teaches at a private Lutheran school. They have also had their house exorcised. Kerri has said that her mom hopes I'll become a church goer, and Kerri knows I wont.

Have you ever thought why that is? My husband is normally very VERY quiet. It's the first thing people mention when they meet him. But when he has an issue, he'd rather take care of it ASAP rather than stew on it, and especially without waiting to see if it resolves itself first. We've never gone to bed angry at each other.

There's only one situation where not talking about any heavy stuff works out in a marriage, and that's when both partners agree on absolutely everything 100%. Then the no-talking thing works, because there's no point in it. It seems you're totally not in that category, so....

Also, the fact that you and her don't even see eye-to-eye with how her mom thinks of you is another red flag. I mean, it's one thing to not say anything bad about your daughter's bf. I knew my mom wasn't too hot on my sister's ex, but she didn't bad-mouth him. Just joked sometimes about his not-so-great qualities, so my sister knew he was being tolerated but didn't think Mom adored him or anything.

Its the was I was raised. I always felt that I had to be quiet and not cause waves. I am trying to speak my mind more for the good of the relationship but its a hard habit to break. I have no problem telling her I dont want to live there, I just dont want to tell her its because of her family. She says it could just be a starter house and I agree, that would be fine...but we could also get stuck and spend the rest of our lives there. I only expected to be at my job for a few months, and that was ten years ago.

She does keep things from her mom. She thinks that Kerri is still a virgin. Kerri has said she would flip out if she knew we'd been sleeping together.

 

[Flint Marko]

I've been dating a girl for over a year now. It was my last year of college, she lived next door to me and we hit it off pretty instantly. We've been happily dating ever since then, and things are going great. My friends and family met her and all loved her; we get along so well together.
But all that to say, I definitely don't love her. I'm terrified to say that to her. Is that odd? I'm 23 years old and have been dating her since last June. But I don't love her yet. Is that a sign that something is amiss? I could easily see us married, she's everything id want in a wife, but for some reason I'm terrified to actually say those words to her.

 

[Erzengel]

I
Its the was I was raised. I always felt that I had to be quiet and not cause waves. I am trying to speak my mind more for the good of the relationship but its a hard habit to break. I have no problem telling her I dont want to live there, I just dont want to tell her its because of her family. She says it could just be a starter house and I agree, that would be fine...but we could also get stuck and spend the rest of our lives there. I only expected to be at my job for a few months, and that was ten years ago.

She does keep things from her mom. She thinks that Kerri is still a virgin. Kerri has said she would flip out if she knew we'd been sleeping together.

And therein lies the issue. What happens if she does get the house. Before you know it, you'll be living there for how many years?

Even if her parents pay for the down payment. If you are sharing the bills, I'm guessing you wouldn't bolt because you'd feel bad.

I've been dating a girl for over a year now. It was my last year of college, she lived next door to me and we hit it off pretty instantly. We've been happily dating ever since then, and things are going great. My friends and family met her and all loved her; we get along so well together.
But all that to say, I definitely don't love her. I'm terrified to say that to her. Is that odd? I'm 23 years old and have been dating her since last June. But I don't love her yet. Is that a sign that something is amiss? I could easily see us married, she's everything id want in a wife, but for some reason I'm terrified to actually say those words to her.

Have you ever been in love?

A year is a long time to be with someone and not say it. I know there are some people who aren't big into words, and think actions are more important. But I don't think anyone can pinpoint why you don't necessarily love her and I doubt it's gone unnoticed by her. Personally, I think you just know. I can only speak for myself but I knew in few months.

Another poster here, Hopeful said that her boyfriend has never loved anyone outside his family and it was at least over half a year and he never said it.

You're still relatively young. You have time to see if things change. But my last question to you is, yeah you could see marrying her and she's everything you want in a wife. But do you want to marry her?

 

[Black Narcissus]

Yeah, I totally get that. I am definitely afraid of over compromising. She is really excited about the house and is going to talk to the owner about our situation tomorrow. I'm kinda hoping it gets sold quickly. Kerri is very close to her family, as her extended family disowned them after the affairs. On one hand she has said that she would love to leave her little town (but isnt as crazy about living closer to Chicago like I would like) but seems to really like the idea of buying this house. It just kind of leaves my stomach in a knot.

Ok, you get the mom drunk with some wine and make her sign the papers in yo name. You take out forty grand from the equity and go to vegas. Get on the bus heading to Henderson and go into a taco shop called ''Carnitas'' My boy Eduardo will hook you up with a brand new passport and a one way ticket to bora bora, I might come crash with you after this old lady across the street from me sign over her 100,000 rolls royce that she got as a gift from Truman after their affair. Oh, make sure to grow a mustache. That is very important.

We can buy an old boat and take out german foreigners for fishing trips. How about that?

 

[Black Narcissus]

I've been dating a girl for over a year now. It was my last year of college, she lived next door to me and we hit it off pretty instantly. We've been happily dating ever since then, and things are going great. My friends and family met her and all loved her; we get along so well together.
But all that to say, I definitely don't love her. I'm terrified to say that to her. Is that odd? I'm 23 years old and have been dating her since last June. But I don't love her yet. Is that a sign that something is amiss? I could easily see us married, she's everything id want in a wife, but for some reason I'm terrified to actually say those words to her.

Tell her and stop wasting her time, breh.

That poor girl.

You a selfish bastah.

 

[Flint Marko]

Tell her and stop wasting her time, breh.

That poor girl.

You a selfish bastah.

I really do occasionally feel like I'm wasting her time. I'm not ready to lock it down and marry her, and at this age everyone is starting to tell me it's time to poop or get off the potter.

And therein lies the issue. What happens if she does get the house. Before you know it, you'll be living there for how many years?

Even if her parents pay for the down payment. If you are sharing the bills, I'm guessing you wouldn't bolt because you'd feel bad.



Have you ever been in love?

A year is a long time to be with someone and not say it. I know there are some people who aren't big into words, and think actions are more important. But I don't think anyone can pinpoint why you don't necessarily love her and I doubt it's gone unnoticed by her. Personally, I think you just know. I can only speak for myself but I knew in few months.

Another poster here, Hopeful said that her boyfriend has never loved anyone outside his family and it was at least over half a year and he never said it.

You're still relatively young. You have time to see if things change. But my last question to you is, yeah you could see marrying her and she's everything you want in a wife. But do you want to marry her?

I've never been in love. I've been with different women, some of whom I thought I loved, but it was a youthful, naive version of love where I just really loved how they made me feel.
I want to marry her, but not at the moment. Not anytime soon. I still have yet to figure out my career and she's still in school so it's not like there's an overwhelming amount of pressure, but I'm not sure when/if I'll feel ready to take that next step.

 

[Anita18]

Its the was I was raised. I always felt that I had to be quiet and not cause waves. I am trying to speak my mind more for the good of the relationship but its a hard habit to break. I have no problem telling her I dont want to live there, I just dont want to tell her its because of her family. She says it could just be a starter house and I agree, that would be fine...but we could also get stuck and spend the rest of our lives there. I only expected to be at my job for a few months, and that was ten years ago.

That's my husband too, but that's the thing - the longer you wait to mention something that bothers you, the bigger waves it makes when it breaks!

I've been dating a girl for over a year now. It was my last year of college, she lived next door to me and we hit it off pretty instantly. We've been happily dating ever since then, and things are going great. My friends and family met her and all loved her; we get along so well together.
But all that to say, I definitely don't love her. I'm terrified to say that to her. Is that odd? I'm 23 years old and have been dating her since last June. But I don't love her yet. Is that a sign that something is amiss? I could easily see us married, she's everything id want in a wife, but for some reason I'm terrified to actually say those words to her.

I'm going to approach this a different way than Erz - what do you think love should feel like?

I don't think I ever got the super-excited "OMG I can't wait to be together!!!! OMG I LOVE HIM SOOoooooOOOoOo MUCH!" feeling with my husband, ever. I consider that infatuation, and I seem to have skipped that part entirely.

What I feel for my husband is deeper. It makes me feel warm inside, and safe. I consider that feeling love. I didn't feel it until probably a year in. Until then, it was just fun and comfortable to be around him casually. I did consider breaking up with him because I wasn't infatuated with him. I was just too lazy to, and now I'm glad I didn't. My love for him grows deeper every year, and we've been together almost 7 years now.

Whereas my sister had tons of initial chemistry with her ex, but beyond that, they weren't really compatible at all. Within 2 years, she was super-happy when he wasn't around. That's obviously not a great sign.

 

[Erzengel]

And don't feel pressured to get married. It took us over a decade. Add going back to school and purchasing a house in between.

Not that there is a certain way to do things, but I think it's important to graduate and decide on a career choice first. Don't get married just cause everyone is telling you to. Not that I don't believe in the institution. But we did it when we were ready and I've said this before, afterwards it still doesn't feel different.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I talked to her last night and said that I don't want to live in a little town. We are going to look at the house today but she knows I'm not enthusiastic. She keeps telling me that I act like she will hate me if I disagree with her on something and told me it's ok if I disagree.

I'm not used to that. One reason I love her. We still disagree about the size of a town to live in but we will deal with it.

 

[Erzengel]

That's good. Communication is SO important. We're not mind readers.

I know your in laws will probably still put down money for you two, but you said you two are both doing part time. Finding a place seems to be putting the cart before the horse.

You'll still need to pay the monthly mortgage (rent) which will include insurance and taxes. Then there's the water/sewer, electric, gas bills. Throw in cable, phone and internet. (Most cable companies, it's cheaper to have all 3). Then your cell phone bill and food.

 

[Hobgoblin]

That's good. Communication is SO important. We're not mind readers.

I know your in laws will probably still put down money for you two, but you said you two are both doing part time. Finding a place seems to be putting the cart before the horse.

You'll still need to pay the monthly mortgage (rent) which will include insurance and taxes. Then there's the water/sewer, electric, gas bills. Throw in cable, phone and internet. (Most cable companies, it's cheaper to have all 3). Then your cell phone bill and food.

Exactly. Agreed on all points.

 

[SpideyVille]

So I have a question, and I think it relates to what Hob may be experiencing, but also what I am going through with my girlfriend right now.

At what point is it time to "cut the cord" and so that a child can be on their own to grow as an adult? What I mean is at what point should a parent stop trying to make decisions for their child, and vice versa, the child make decisions that are their own and not their parent's decisions?

 

[Erzengel]

There are some parents who cut ties with their child when they turn 18 and are out of high school, somewhat of a sink or swim. If you have a child who continuously relies on their parents, for money, support, cook, clean for them, a parent who makes no attempt to make them accept some grown up responsibility then you have an adult child at home.

 

[SpideyVille]

There are some parents who cut ties with their child when they turn 18 and are out of high school, somewhat of a sink or swim. If you have a child who continuously relies on their parents, for money, support, cook, clean for them, a parent who makes no attempt to make them accept some grown up responsibility then you have an adult child at home.

That's what I'm scared of. And I know, at 26, I'm completely guilty of that. But I reached a point where I realized that growing up and having adult responsibilities is inevitable and I'm trying to do it on my own. Like I mentioned in the Finance thread, I'm paying for bills all on my own because I know I can't rely on my mom to be on time financially.

But the issue I'm having with my girlfriend, and she blew up on me again last night, is that I feel like as much as she says she wants responsibility, she has so many excuses for why her mom won't give it to her. She feels like she needs to be attached to her mom always because family is important and they must stick together. But it sucks because my girlfriend is expected to be the one who cleans the house and does the laundry and cooks on occasion, when they're not ordering out, and I almost get a Cinderella vibe from that because she's not allowed to go out with me because her mom wants things done, especially now that she's not in school. But yesterday her mom had a fight with her because they just got back from their cruise and her mom wanted all the laundry done and my girlfriend had been running on no sleep because as soon as they got off the boat they went to the DMV and she got her permit. So she was cranky and didn't want to do anything because today they're free, but her mom wanted it done right away and that was a problem, and their fight basically left no time for her to talk to me, and when we finally did, i was wrong for speaking against her mother.

The way it sounds, I feel like the only way for us to live together is if I agree that her mother comes first and calls all the shots, even if we're married, and her mother will most likely live with us, and if I don't agree with that, I'm disrespecting her mother.

 

[Erzengel]

What's different is she does stuff at her home, so she's somewhat self reliant in some aspects. The thing is she seems to let her mom dictate her life. That may change if you and her are living on your own.

If she insists on her mother coming to live with you, that's a discussion you need to have prior.

You know how you can prevent all of that? Get your own place. That way if you want to have her move in with you, that's your choice. If you want her mom to not live with you. Your choice.

But it doesn't sound like you can financially do that. It actually doesn't sound like even right now, neither of you are in the position to move out.

Maybe you should focus on a career and then after having the opportunity look for a place.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well I'm not saying I want to right now. I know it will be at least a year, most likely more, before either of us can move out at all, together or alone.

The point is, I feel like she has to be told what to do in order to do something. And as much as she hates being babied, its the only way she shows results. Like we couldn't go out because she had chores a year ago. So I suggested maybe she take care of them the day before, but she wouldn't, and suddenly I'm controlling for "telling her what to do" and I'm micro-managing. But to me, all I'm trying to do is find a solution to a problem that had repeated itself and still does to this day.

I just think its unfair how if I take her mom's side and say take care of the chores, so they don't fight, or I say do them early so it's not an issue, or I stop our plans and help her get it done faster, either way, I end up as the bad guy. I don't know how to win.

 

[Erzengel]

I think Anita and I have both told you, you can't live this girl's life for her. If you offered help or advice, and not only does she not heed it or gets upset with you. Then either stop giving her advice, which goes against open communication in a relationship or continue to give her advice and risk another fight.

The fact of the matter, is she needs to grow up. Even though you're not her first boyfriend, she has to understand that being a part of an adult relationship is putting in essence your concerns, opinions on at least equal footing as her mother.

BUT, you have to realize that sometimes you can't solve her problems. Maybe you have to pick and choose your battles. No one likes someone constantly critiquing what they are doing. Just listen sometimes, if she asks for help give it. If she chooses to ignore it, don't make a fight out of it.

This may be the way she just is, or maybe she will outgrow it. Either be supportive or move on.

Until then, a year can be a long time. Focus on getting your affairs in order.

 

[SpideyVille]

I just want to know what mistakes I'm making that are actively hurting her, and it's hard because sometimes she doesn't want to talk about it. Like I'm not asking her to abandon her mother, but I feel like she thinks I am asking for that, and if that's the case, then its full miscommunication. But for some reason, no matter how much I try to explain how I feel or what my intentions are, she won't accept it, but I'm actively trying to be a better adult and boyfriend. And like I told her last night, it's time we both grow up and if we can't do it together, then its unfair for one to hold the other back.

I just hope that now that she has no school, that she decides to move forward with something. Although I'm concerned because her mother's boyfriend works for their apartment complex and he said he could get her a job, probably the same job I was offered a few months back. I didn't take it because I knew that meant I was doing everything on her terms, but now, I'm more concerned because she would be even more involved with her home life and she would feel guilt and too comfortable to move onto something better.

 

[Erzengel]

It just sound like she hasn't moved on from high school & college relationships. Not communicating, is a huge flag. Not putting your opinions and concerns on the same level, another flag.

I'm not going to question your feelings for her, but as of right now is this the girl you see yourself with a few years down the road? Are you hoping things will change about her personality?

I know this is your first relationship BUT that doesn't mean she's the right girl for you.

 

[SpideyVille]

It just sound like she hasn't moved on from high school & college relationships. Not communicating, is a huge flag. Not putting your opinions and concerns on the same level, another flag.

I'm not going to question your feelings for her, but as of right now is this the girl you see yourself with a few years down the road? Are you hoping things will change about her personality?

I know this is your first relationship BUT that doesn't mean she's the right girl for you.

I guess the feeling is that I knew a lot of her baggage going in and I was willing to deal with it, and I'm talking about things from her inability to be intimate without getting flashbacks from a traumatic experience, to thinking she could hear and see ghosts and stuff, and to her self-harming. But those were all issues that have seemed to disappear the more that she trusted me. And we have both been through a lot of unnecessary drama in the past year, and we've gotten into fights with each other's parents because of how dominant they try to be in our lives, so part of me feels like we made it this far and we're still together, through all the bad, and now that my biggest set back has been dealt with, which was the lack of a job or money, I feel like we can finally start moving forward in this relationship in the right way. But it feels like now she's like its not working, not because I've changed for the worse, but more because I feel like she's unhappy because other things in her life haven't gone according to plan.

The issues now seem more fundamental, and I honestly believe it changes as a result of her environments and the people she surrounds herself with. Like she keeps telling me now that she doesn't know what she wants in life, and how that should be okay. But the issue I have is that a year ago she said she did know, but suddenly its changing and I just don't know if she feels like I need to change to. As much as I or her mom would suggest dropping out, she refused to because she truly wanted to graduate. But now, she doesn't know anymore, and she's sort of second guessing a lot of things. I honestly feel like we're both struggling to balance things because we both move in extremes, and the fact that she seems more mentally unstable now is what makes me lose faith.

 

[Anita18]

If she's in her 20s and still extremely dependent on her mother emotionally, IMO that won't change.

I have a cousin, who basically has no preferences of his own aside from what his domineering mom wants. It isn't exactly a brainwashed robot thing, but more like, why even bother if his mom is gonna strong-arm him into doing what she wants in the end? When he got married, he and his bride were shuffled around like puppets, while his mom was running about ordering everyone around. There's drama with his in-laws and IMO it would be best to keep it his own business and handle it himself, but he tells his mom EVERYTHING even when it only complicates his life.

He knows it isn't for the best regarding his life in the long-term, and he doesn't even seem to be happy being so dependent on her, but he can't seem to shake it. It's the only thing he knows.

He's really lucky that his wife is used to it, having similar domineering parents.

But if you're not on board, Spideyville, and she isn't willing to communicate, you really have to ask yourself what Erz mentioned - do you see yourself with her a few years from now? Are you building yourselves together to be better people?