The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[Erzengel]

That's what dating is for. If you're lusting after someone and you go on a few dates with them, and their personality is as deep as a thimble, then you'll find the attraction will be physical only.

 

[Anita18]

Hmm, liking someone means being around them without feeling the immediate need to have sex with them?

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Being at uni makes that very hard to do. It's like the only way my peers can communicate on a romantic level. And I know so many couples that have started off that way and are still together years later.

 

[Anita18]

Not that hard for nerds at college. My school was basically nerd-central without being an engineering school.

 

[Dark Raven]

I hate being ghosted with no explanation or warning when everything seems fine before. At least people should act like they're bored or not receptive instead of showing interest and warmth and a willingness to go out but then going completely silent when you're trying to actually arrange something. I'd prefer to hear that a person isn't interested than be ghosted.

 

[Erzengel]

You should only allow that to happen twice. Then ditch the number.

 

[Dark Raven]

How can it happen twice? It can only happen once. If they've ghosted you, then you don't hear back from them at all, so how can there be a second occurrence of that?

And is it good to go and socialise at a party/ social event when you're feeling low and somewhat burned, or will that just affect your interactions with other people (and other potential prospects)? Is it better to just wait until a more opportune and happier time when you're feeling better about yourself rather than presenting a self that is rejected?

 

[Erzengel]

I knew a girl or two like that. We were friendly at work, make plans and she wouldn't call. Then you'd see her again, she'd make an excuse. Then you try setting something up again and the same results.

 

[Victarion]

Go out. Being with friends is always good medicine.

 

[Volshe]

Yeah, go out. Going out gives you something else to focus on and even better, can wear you out so you sleep better (instead of worrying/thinking through things). Worst case scenario, it's awful, you don't do it again. Best case, you meet some new people or have fun and don't spend the entire day/evening in your head.

 

[Dark Raven]

Go out. Being with friends is always good medicine.

Well I wouldn't really say where I'm thinking of going is full of friends but more like acquaintances where some of the conversation is very superficial and some people just blank me there too. There may be new people to meet, but equally it could feel like a waste of time.

On another note, how do people here deal with the standard question "so what do you do?" after someone just meets you? That question has become excruciating to answer because the conversation runs in exactly the same way (or combination of ways) as it has gone before and so it just feels like Groundhog Day. I've tried different techniques to try to tell it differently or ask different questions myself, but it always gets back to that question. I don't mind answering it when someone is genuinely interested, but most people are just asking on auto pilot as a standard thing to say, and many aren't even interested. And I might not see some of these people ever again so why waste time with that unless I know there's going to be an ongoing friendship?

Should I even bother to answer that question if the person doesn't even seem interested but just going through the motions and phoning it in? Or if I refuse to answer that question, would it seem as if I'm being awkward and uncooperative?

 

[Volshe]

As in career?

 

[Dark Raven]

As in career?

Yep. That's always the standard question people ask after your name: "so... what do you do?"

Which really is asking what is your socio-economic status.

I don't mind telling it once in an evening to someone genuinely interested, but not multiple times at a party one after the other because I might as well play a recording.

 

[the_ultimate_evil]

its got to the stage for me that im on the verge of just giving up nothing ever works out for me. i get rare occasions where it all seems to fit into place but then the bottom falls out so quickly that its like nothing ever happened at all

ive tried every thing, clubs, bars, dating sites, apps all nothing and i havnt been happy in my "love life" in a long long time. and everyone around me friends and family all have what i want and it just weighs on you

one of my friends tried a while back to explain that i should just accept that not everyone is meant to be with someone, some of us are just destined to be single, and im starting to think he's right

i'm not looking for advice im just needing somewhere to vent

 

[Dark Raven]

Well Lex Luthor accepted that about himself in Smallville. He said that some people are meant to be alone.

Now what do people think? If a girl says that both of you should go for coffee sometime, is that a real invitation/ hint? Even if they give you a specific time frame?

Or is it just being polite, like typical British politeness?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/new...-British-politeness-becomes-internet-hit.html

In that link, one of the typical examples is when people say you must come round for dinner, but then the invite never comes.

Is what a girl says (about going for coffee) just to be taken in the same vein? Or is it an actual hint? I've always found that it's not actually a hint but just politeness because when you do try to invite them, they go silent, as if they never expected to be taken seriously about that.

 

[Anita18]

Yep. That's always the standard question people ask after your name: "so... what do you do?"

Which really is asking what is your socio-economic status.

I don't mind telling it once in an evening to someone genuinely interested, but not multiple times at a party one after the other because I might as well play a recording.

Well, it's a standard way of getting to know someone, because you DO spend the majority of your time at work. It's actually not really a question about socio-economic status for me. But then again, when I'm answering the question, it's usually at a networking event where everyone is at approximately the same socioeconomic status.

(Hilariously, when I tell men I used to do cancer research, it tends to intimidate them! It's very true what they say about smart women being intimidating to men. Heck, I married the FIRST GUY who liked me and wasn't scared of me.)

Amusingly, I went to an event where someone had a talk suggesting that we ask "What are you interested in?" instead of "What do you do?" So maybe you should try that.

I find that answering the question is an interesting exercise to spice up explaining what I do, because it's a fairly new field and the definition is not clear even for people in the field. It doesn't really bother me if I have to explain it over and over again. My husband HATES small talk like that though, which is why he never ever goes out to events or places where the point is to meet new people. It's not for everyone.

 

[Anita18]

its got to the stage for me that im on the verge of just giving up nothing ever works out for me. i get rare occasions where it all seems to fit into place but then the bottom falls out so quickly that its like nothing ever happened at all

ive tried every thing, clubs, bars, dating sites, apps all nothing and i havnt been happy in my "love life" in a long long time. and everyone around me friends and family all have what i want and it just weighs on you

one of my friends tried a while back to explain that i should just accept that not everyone is meant to be with someone, some of us are just destined to be single, and im starting to think he's right

i'm not looking for advice im just needing somewhere to vent

The thing is that you (and your friends) have absolutely no idea if that's true for you or not. You have no idea what the future holds.

Before I met my husband, I was perpetually single. Literally nobody wanted to date me. Before he met me, he wasn't even sure if he was capable of a serious relationship. We were both walking hopeless relationship disasters, before we met each other.

As long as someone doesn't have raging trust issues, I think they're perfectly capable of being in a relationship. They might not have met the right person yet, but it's not a destined thing either way.

My mom has elderly never-married female friends who are happy with their single lives, engaged with their communities. I have a friend who only found herself in casual relationships until she met a guy in her 40s. You never know.

 

[the_ultimate_evil]

The thing is that you (and your friends) have absolutely no idea if that's true for you or not. You have no idea what the future holds.

Before I met my husband, I was perpetually single. Literally nobody wanted to date me. Before he met me, he wasn't even sure if he was capable of a serious relationship. We were both walking hopeless relationship disasters, before we met each other.

As long as someone doesn't have raging trust issues, I think they're perfectly capable of being in a relationship. They might not have met the right person yet, but it's not a destined thing either way.

My mom has elderly never-married female friends who are happy with their single lives, engaged with their communities. I have a friend who only found herself in casual relationships until she met a guy in her 40s. You never know.

Anita I love your Enthusiasm but I don't share it. I just don't think someone like me is fated to be with someone it just never works. The last time I was really happy was last year I got introduced to someone who was a close friend of a friend I liked her deeply from the moment I met her but knew it wasn't meant to be. After a few months of our group hanging out and talking to her for hours and hours she admit she had feelings for me and I the same.

We decided to try and see what happens so she left the guy she was with and we gave it a go. We went out as a group and one official date. And she then went straight back to her ex

Now I don't know if it was just a blip on her part or I royally screw up but it still hurts badly. And it screwed up so much of my social circle because of the fall out. Now. Everyone said we were all still mates, but when we bumped into them at a con she look petrified and it tore me up. I was told at a later date that seeing me made her feel awakward and strange so being the muppet I am I decided to stay away as I never wanted her to feel that way

The problem is no matter where I am or how good a mood I'm in every time I see her in the street as we work close to each other my stomach goes mental and my world falls down

Now I will admit that's on me and so is the distance between us but the way I looked at it was she's now happy and if me being around messes that up then I need to go. I'm not stupid I'm not believing ohh she'll come to her senses or anything creepy like that is she's happy then that's all I want for her.

Now I know this really doesn't paint me in a good light but I've had no contact with her for about 6 months when we had a party and she was invited which I can tell you was great fun

Now I know that's got nothing to do with it its just and a example of what happens to me, I'm just tired of being the last single one in my group I'm always dropping out of things because I'm the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel

im just really starting to think I'm not meant to be with someone It never seems to work out. And I'm getting so tired of it.

I know this doesn't really do anything or sort anything but sometimes it's needed to just vent

 

[DA_Champion]

I hate being ghosted with no explanation or warning when everything seems fine before. At least people should act like they're bored or not receptive instead of showing interest and warmth and a willingness to go out but then going completely silent when you're trying to actually arrange something. I'd prefer to hear that a person isn't interested than be ghosted.

I'm being ghosted now. It's awful, by a former female friend and a former male friend, no connection between the two.

I've made a personal vow to never do it to somebody. If I don't like a woman after a date, I'll let her know even (one step further) instead of just not calling.

And I'll never do that to my friends. In fact, I think I've been a good friend in general since 1998.

 

[DA_Champion]

Anita I love your Enthusiasm but I don't share it. I just don't think someone like me is fated to be with someone it just never works. The last time I was really happy was last year I got introduced to someone who was a close friend of a friend I liked her deeply from the moment I met her but knew it wasn't meant to be. After a few months of our group hanging out and talking to her for hours and hours she admit she had feelings for me and I the same.

We decided to try and see what happens so she left the guy she was with and we gave it a go. We went out as a group and one official date. And she then went straight back to her ex

Now I don't know if it was just a blip on her part or I royally screw up but it still hurts badly. And it screwed up so much of my social circle because of the fall out. Now. Everyone said we were all still mates, but when we bumped into them at a con she look petrified and it tore me up. I was told at a later date that seeing me made her feel awakward and strange so being the muppet I am I decided to stay away as I never wanted her to feel that way

The problem is no matter where I am or how good a mood I'm in every time I see her in the street as we work close to each other my stomach goes mental and my world falls down

Now I will admit that's on me and so is the distance between us but the way I looked at it was she's now happy and if me being around messes that up then I need to go. I'm not stupid I'm not believing ohh she'll come to her senses or anything creepy like that is she's happy then that's all I want for her.

Now I know this really doesn't paint me in a good light but I've had no contact with her for about 6 months when we had a party and she was invited which I can tell you was great fun

Now I know that's got nothing to do with it its just and a example of what happens to me, I'm just tired of being the last single one in my group I'm always dropping out of things because I'm the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel

im just really starting to think I'm not meant to be with someone It never seems to work out. And I'm getting so tired of it.

I know this doesn't really do anything or sort anything but sometimes it's needed to just vent

I know your pain man.

'm 32, and been single for the vast majority of my life. With a few exceptions, to want a woman is to not be with that woman.

I've tried online dating a lot. The only "likes" I get back is from out-of-town morbidly obese women. Bt obese I mean 5'4, 250 lbs. So even the obese women living in the city don't want me, only if they live in a small town where their chances are shrunk twice over.

I'm near the edge of giving up ... but the problem is I really want children and company. Plus, as we get older, friendships seem to matter less. People are less willing to go out for a drink or a movie as they have babies at home to take care of.

I've done a huge amount of research on the topic to see what I need to improve. The overwhelming consensus of psychologists and so on is that "looks" are extremely important, the most important thing by a substantial margin. For getting first and second dates, looks might be 100% of what matters. I can't become Brad Pitt (obviously), but given that I'm moving in six months, I will try to lose 20 lbs (I've already lost 40), whiten my teeth, and I've started taking propecia to get a slightly stronger hairline. On Friday, I went and bought a new pair of glasses, with a stronger frame, extra thin lens, anti-scratch, and anti-reflection.

This girl you went out with ... it could be that she thinks you're a nice guy, a good guy for her, but then on her date she just didn't "feel a romantic connection" or "the chemistry just isn't there". I don't know you so I can't guess too sharply, but that's a possibility.

 

[the_ultimate_evil]

I know your pain man.

'm 32, and been single for the vast majority of my life. With a few exceptions, to want a woman is to not be with that woman.

I've tried online dating a lot. The only "likes" I get back is from out-of-town morbidly obese women. Bt obese I mean 5'4, 250 lbs. So even the obese women living in the city don't want me, only if they live in a small town where their chances are shrunk twice over.

I'm near the edge of giving up ... but the problem is I really want children and company. Plus, as we get older, friendships seem to matter less. People are less willing to go out for a drink or a movie as they have babies at home to take care of.

I've done a huge amount of research on the topic to see what I need to improve. The overwhelming consensus of psychologists and so on is that "looks" are extremely important, the most important thing by a substantial margin. For getting first and second dates, looks might be 100% of what matters. I can't become Brad Pitt (obviously), but given that I'm moving in six months, I will try to lose 20 lbs (I've already lost 40), whiten my teeth, and I've started taking propecia to get a slightly stronger hairline. On Friday, I went and bought a new pair of glasses, with a stronger frame, extra thin lens, anti-scratch, and anti-reflection.

This girl you went out with ... it could be that she thinks you're a nice guy, a good guy for her, but then on her date she just didn't "feel a romantic connection" or "the chemistry just isn't there". I don't know you so I can't guess too sharply, but that's a possibility.

Trust me mate there was a connection and chemistry I won't go into details as I've always believed not to but the way we spoke the was we acted around each other it was there even before the date.

Others have said she was in a long relationship I stepped in and she was comfortable and things happened, like I said she's now back with the guy she was in the relationship with and is happy from what I know and that's all I ever wanted even if it's not me she's happy with. Doesn't mean it doesn't kill me to know I missed my one chance with who I and other have considered my perfect match.

The hard part is my best friend/roommate is dating her best friend this is how we met so there is this constant reminder that I just have to smile and live with
I mean it'll make me sound like a basatrd but I was sitting in the living room last night and all I could hear was my roommate and his gf making plans with the other couple giggling planning joke wedding and such. I love these too to death but I just couldn't stop thinking what am I doing wrong and wanted to scream

I once had a close friend tell me I was t the guy you stay with I was the guy who girls had 3 options, the best mate, the but of fun or the one who shows you how good you had it

I try and keep a lot of this to myself because there is no way in fkn hell I want to be known as a "nice guy" you know the *******s who always say they're a nice guy but women go for the jocks etc. A woman doesn't like you that way you deal with it yourself and leave the girl alone.


I have a real hatred for guys like that, and it would be a huge fear to be considered to be one

 

[DA_Champion]

Trust me mate there was a connection and chemistry I won't go into details as I've always believed not to but the way we spoke the was we acted around each other it was there even before the date.

Others have said she was in a long relationship I stepped in and she was comfortable and things happened, like I said she's now back with the guy she was in the relationship with and is happy from what I know and that's all I ever wanted even if it's not me she's happy with. Doesn't mean it doesn't kill me to know I missed my one chance with who I and other have considered my perfect match.

The hard part is my best friend/roommate is dating her best friend this is how we met so there is this constant reminder that I just have to smile and live with
I mean it'll make me sound like a basatrd but I was sitting in the living room last night and all I could hear was my roommate and his gf making plans with the other couple giggling planning joke wedding and such. I love these too to death but I just couldn't stop thinking what am I doing wrong and wanted to scream

I once had a close friend tell me I was t the guy you stay with I was the guy who girls had 3 options, the best mate, the but of fun or the one who shows you how good you had it

I try and keep a lot of this to myself because there is no way in fkn hell I want to be known as a "nice guy" you know the *******s who always say they're a nice guy but women go for the jocks etc. A woman doesn't like you that way you deal with it yourself and leave the girl alone.


I have a real hatred for guys like that, and it would be a huge fear to be considered to be one

I know exactly how you feel. The nice guys of okcupid, also the reddit about nice guys. They've ruined niceness as a character trait lol.

Have you spoken to your roommate about this?

 

[Dark Raven]

I'm being ghosted now. It's awful, by a former female friend and a former male friend, no connection between the two.

I've made a personal vow to never do it to somebody. If I don't like a woman after a date, I'll let her know even (one step further) instead of just not calling.

And I'll never do that to my friends. In fact, I think I've been a good friend in general since 1998.

I wouldn't do that either knowing what it's like. I don't know why people who are supposedly your friends can do that.

When I'm trying to arrange something when both parties have already agreed to meet up/ go out, I might send a message or two to try to arrange, or if I haven't heard back from them. It's not like a ton in a stalking kind of way but a reasonable amount (eg 1 or 2). And if you're on Whatsapp or texting, you might not write everything all in one message.

I would hope that this wouldn't be taken as stalking and then a reason to drop the friendship/relationship. But it makes me wonder if that was the reason. But it can't be that a friendship/relationship is so fragile that something like that (which you reasonably do in the course of arranging something) automatically spells the end and you never hear from them again.

At least if they can't make it or don't want to go out after all, they should say so. But to go silent, especially after you ask them if anything is wrong because you didn't hear anything anymore is just wrong and suggests they didn't care about you or your friendship to begin with if it can be disposed of so easily. What would happen if there were any disagreements or other conflicts which is usual in a relationship then?

 

[Dark Raven]

I know your pain man.

'm 32, and been single for the vast majority of my life. With a few exceptions, to want a woman is to not be with that woman.

I've tried online dating a lot. The only "likes" I get back is from out-of-town morbidly obese women. Bt obese I mean 5'4, 250 lbs. So even the obese women living in the city don't want me, only if they live in a small town where their chances are shrunk twice over.

I'm near the edge of giving up ... but the problem is I really want children and company. Plus, as we get older, friendships seem to matter less. People are less willing to go out for a drink or a movie as they have babies at home to take care of.

I've done a huge amount of research on the topic to see what I need to improve. The overwhelming consensus of psychologists and so on is that "looks" are extremely important, the most important thing by a substantial margin. For getting first and second dates, looks might be 100% of what matters. I can't become Brad Pitt (obviously), but given that I'm moving in six months, I will try to lose 20 lbs (I've already lost 40), whiten my teeth, and I've started taking propecia to get a slightly stronger hairline. On Friday, I went and bought a new pair of glasses, with a stronger frame, extra thin lens, anti-scratch, and anti-reflection.

This girl you went out with ... it could be that she thinks you're a nice guy, a good guy for her, but then on her date she just didn't "feel a romantic connection" or "the chemistry just isn't there". I don't know you so I can't guess too sharply, but that's a possibility.

Is Propecia damaging to your sperm? Can it make you infertile? I don't know how safe it is. I've heard some of these products are a bit risky in that area or might have other side effects (eg erectile dysfunction).

 

[DA_Champion]

Is Propecia damaging to your sperm? Can it make you infertile? I don't know how safe it is. I've heard some of these products are a bit risky in that area or might have other side effects (eg erectile dysfunction).

There's a lot of different options, more so if you're willing to go black market which I might do in the future.

So far my only side effect on propecia has been reduced sleep, I was told that only lasts a few weeks (happens to some people), and it seems to have gone away the past two days, I hope it's gone for good.

I have not heard of anybody getting damaged sperm, but some people get reduced ejaculate. That's a different problem. It usually goes away after a few months regardless of whether or not you continue treatment, as the body reaches a new equilibrium.

I know of people who have had ED. They stopped taking the pill and were healed within a few weeks. I'd do the same. There are reports of persistent problems after discontinuing the drug.

If you're conerned about the risk of ED, you might try Rogaine instead. The pro of rogaine is that the side effects are different (you might get headaches or acne or more facial hair or lower blood pressure), but they're not persistent, so they go away when you stop taking it. It's also a different mechanism of action. Propecia prevents damage to the follicles and so they heal a little bit, Rogaine is a growth stimulant that doesn't prevent damage, you'll still go bald eventually but at a later time. It's also a bit more expensive: In the United States Rogaine will cost you ~$150/year.

I'm probably going to switch to black market treatments in the coming months, either RU58851 or setipiprant or both. None of them are permanent options as a lot of drugs are in phase II and phase III trials, there should be a boom of treatments by 2020.

Finally, you should definitely wash your hair with Nizoral shampoo every 2 or 3 days. Studies show it yields (small) benefits against MPB. It's also cheap.

*************

Personally, I don't want to go bald. I already do badly with women, and going bald would mean doing even worse. It'd be comparably bad to waking up with an additional 40 lbs or fat or 3 inches shorter or something, there's plenty of studies showing how unattractive it is to women.

ETA: This guy accumulated a lot of the information:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=158889153

It's a little outdated though.