The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[Anita18]

I feel like, as an experiment, setting up an online dating profile that is pure sarcasm and self-deprecation.

I'm motivated by this unlikely article:
http://www.ericspitznagel.com/mens-health/most-eligible-bachelor-online/
The Most Eligible Bachelor on the Internet

Humor counts for a lot.

But being good at dating doesn't necessarily make you good at relationships. Just depends on what you're looking for.

 

[Dark Raven]

Ugh, I can't believe how evil people can be.

I have a good friend/co-worker getting married. Now, there is this girl who was team leader at our work place, and she's one of those that pretends to be your friend for whatever reason, then goes behind your back and try and start crap. What makes matters worse, she's all goody goody best friends with several managers, and she's really good with her fake mask. Acts all sweet and innocent, but both my friend and I have been burnt before several times by her drama, so we know better. Well, some time went by, and the team leader got promoted to manager at another store, where both my friend and I worked at, and we have several friends at that store as well.

Now this is the BS problem we got. My friend is getting married soon. While planning the wedding, she's inviting only family and close friends, and I'm one of them, as well as some others at both stores. The newly promoted manager, hears about the wedding, and keeps asking my friend why she's not invited, and my friend, who doesn't want to cause no drama between herself and her boss, because she needs to pay her bills, tells the girl that when planning the wedding, she just didn't know her at the time and it's too late to add to the list. Well, the girl goes behind her back, asking people in the store about the wedding, and guess what, one of the people who are invited, gets pressured into taking the manager with her as her date. My friend is soooo PO, and I personally think this girl had no right to do this. It's sick that we got people in management position using their power to force their way into people's lives, and even weddings, when we simply don't like her because of her two face crap......

I would've thought that weddings are not only about who you want to see on your special day, but also who you don't want to see. One shouldn't have to put up with someone they don't even like and who potentially doesn't even like them back.

And not all wedding guests are always free to bring a date. After all, that's one more person on the guest list (and possibly at the dinner table) that is taking up a spot where someone else could've gone instead.

If I were invited to a wedding, I would not bring a date unless that person were specifically invited. And even then, they should be invited separately and not as my date. Let's say I were dating that person, and then the bride or groom didn't really know them that well (or at all) but invited them on that basis, but then by the time the wedding rolls around I am no longer dating them. Does that person still come to the wedding? And does she still come as my date, which was the basis on which she was invited in the first place? That would be awkward.

But even if I were dating someone, I would not want to just bring that person to a wedding unless this were a long-term dating relationship. If it's someone I've just met, I don't want them there as my date, because I don't want photos that permanently record us as a couple if this relationship doesn't even go anywhere or ends as soon as the wedding is over and I've outlived my usefulness as a ticket to attending the wedding.

I find it a bit dismaying when I see that certain people whom the bride or groom have known a reasonable amount of time are left off the invitation list in favour of someone's date whom the bride or groom don't even know, and who that guest barely knows and may not even end up dating them for very long. Will either the bride or groom, or the guest really want this "stranger" in the photo in a few years time when they look back upon the pictures?

 

[Erzengel]

If you are decent friends with someone, you still put a +1 even if you aren't familiar with the person they are dating.

Actually, I invited friends of my parents that I wasn't necessarily that familiar with.

My godfather was with someone knew and I never met them until the day of my wedding.

 

[Dark Raven]

If you are decent friends with someone, you still put a +1 even if you aren't familiar with the person they are dating.

Actually, I invited friends of my parents that I wasn't necessarily that familiar with.

My godfather was with someone knew and I never met them until the day of my wedding.

But what if they're not dating that person much longer after the wedding?

Or what if you were together with someone when the invitation was sent out in, say, March, but you're not with her if the wedding is at the beginning of September but with someone else whom you just met at the end of August? Is this new person still invited?

If there are only 100 places at a reception dinner, why should this stranger take up one of the valuable spots which could've gone to a friend the bride or groom actually knows better but has to forgo just to accommodate a +1 for the other friend?

 

[Erzengel]

But what if they're not dating that person much longer after the wedding?

Not the people who's getting married issue.

Or what if you were together with someone when the invitation was sent out in, say, March, but you're not with her if the wedding is at the beginning of September but with someone else whom you just met at the end of August? Is this new person still invited?

Here's the thing, if that person already accepted with a +1, then that +1 may already be accounted for as in their plate is going to be paid for, so for at least the couple, it would benefit them to bring someone else if they broke up with the original +1.

So you either call the wedding couple and tell them you are aren't bringing a +1 ASAP OR you find someone else as to not upset the coupe who paid for someone's plate in advance who didn't attend.

If there are only 100 places at a reception dinner, why should this stranger take up one of the valuable spots which could've gone to a friend the bride or groom actually knows better but has to forgo just to accommodate a +1 for the other friend?

That's on the couple doing the invites. If they have a tight number to meet, they may invite Friend A along with their significant other who has been a long term relationship with and maybe only invite Friend B by themselves because at the time has only been on a couple of dates with someone.

I can only speak for how we did it, but since we had a destination wedding, we didn't want anyone have to attend by themselves.

It's not your job to anticipate what the couple wants. If they invite you with a +1 then you either bring someone or say it's just you going or if they just invite you, then it's courtesy not to try and bring someone OR even ask them.

 

[Dark Raven]

Not the people who's getting married issue.


Here's the thing, if that person already accepted with a +1, then that +1 may already be accounted for as in their plate is going to be paid for, so for at least the couple, it would benefit them to bring someone else if they broke up with the original +1.

So you either call the wedding couple and tell them you are aren't bringing a +1 ASAP OR you find someone else as to not upset the coupe who paid for someone's plate in advance who didn't attend.


That's on the couple doing the invites. If they have a tight number to meet, they may invite Friend A along with their significant other who has been a long term relationship with and maybe only invite Friend B by themselves because at the time has only been on a couple of dates with someone.

I can only speak for how we did it, but since we had a destination wedding, we didn't want anyone have to attend by themselves.

It's not your job to anticipate what the couple wants. If they invite you with a +1 then you either bring someone or say it's just you going or if they just invite you, then it's courtesy not to try and bring someone OR even ask them.

What would happen if you haven't been given an invitation with a +1 but you're dating someone who insists on being invited as your +1 and pressures you to ask the couple? And what if she kicks up a fuss if you say you don't want to out of respect for the couple (and for some of the reasons I gave above where you might not want to bring that date anyway because you don't know how long it would last)? Would that be a sign to break things off with this person?

This is all hypothetical btw, as I'm not in this situation, but just wondered about it for future consideration if that ever did happen.

 

[Dark Raven]

And here's another related question based on that episode of HIMYM where Ted and Lilly were arguing over allowing random girls Ted was dating to be in their group photos. Lilly protested, saying that over the years their photos have been littered with random strangers the names of whom Ted can't even remember because they didn't even end up lasting very long in a relationship with him. So Lilly doesn't want these people to be in the photos, but Ted wants to be more inclusive and allow them, because his reasoning is that you never know whether they could actually become friends and part of the group, and it would show them present from an early stage.

His argument has the biggest impact when Lilly is looking over some really old photos and sees that she was actually the random stranger included in the pictures with Ted and Marshall, and if Ted hadn't been gracious in that way, she would never have had those early memories of her and Marshall together.

But would you agree with Ted or with Lilly? And would you even take pictures with someone you've only been dating a short while or would you wait until it's more established?

I can see Ted's point, but I would probably tend to fall more on the side of Lilly if I'm honest and not want to be photographed with someone I barely know or for that person to be in a group photo (eg a family photo). I don't mind if it's with a bunch of random friends so much, but I would be hesitant if this person who could easily end up a stranger were to be included in certain memories when looking back on photos years later.

 

[Erzengel]

What would happen if you haven't been given an invitation with a +1 but you're dating someone who insists on being invited as your +1 and pressures you to ask the couple? And what if she kicks up a fuss if you say you don't want to out of respect for the couple (and for some of the reasons I gave above where you might not want to bring that date anyway because you don't know how long it would last)? Would that be a sign to break things off with this person?

This is all hypothetical btw, as I'm not in this situation, but just wondered about it for future consideration if that ever did happen.

It depends on a lot of things:

How close is that person to that couple?
How serious does he think his relationship is?

I had a friend who I invited and I purposely said +1 instead of stating his gf's name because they were so on and off.

In the end, it's on that person on which battle/decision is more important.

You could have a couple who's reasonable and say yes. If they say no, then you decide is the person you are dating is worth more especially if she complains and gets mad.

And here's another related question based on that episode of HIMYM where Ted and Lilly were arguing over allowing random girls Ted was dating to be in their group photos. Lilly protested, saying that over the years their photos have been littered with random strangers the names of whom Ted can't even remember because they didn't even end up lasting very long in a relationship with him. So Lilly doesn't want these people to be in the photos, but Ted wants to be more inclusive and allow them, because his reasoning is that you never know whether they could actually become friends and part of the group, and it would show them present from an early stage.

His argument has the biggest impact when Lilly is looking over some really old photos and sees that she was actually the random stranger included in the pictures with Ted and Marshall, and if Ted hadn't been gracious in that way, she would never have had those early memories of her and Marshall together.

But would you agree with Ted or with Lilly? And would you even take pictures with someone you've only been dating a short while or would you wait until it's more established?

I can see Ted's point, but I would probably tend to fall more on the side of Lilly if I'm honest and not want to be photographed with someone I barely know or for that person to be in a group photo (eg a family photo). I don't mind if it's with a bunch of random friends so much, but I would be hesitant if this person who could easily end up a stranger were to be included in certain memories when looking back on photos years later.

My wife and I were in a wedding, with a couple we are no longer friends with. Every time they look at pictures or a video (we also caught the bouquet and garter) they see 2 people which whom they had a falling out with.

On the other hands, one of my best friends did a video presentation and I had him cut out my other best friend's ex gf.

It happens. Pictures are taken during every event just maybe not everyone is like Ted and constantly brings different girls to every occasion.

 

[Anita18]

I find it a bit dismaying when I see that certain people whom the bride or groom have known a reasonable amount of time are left off the invitation list in favour of someone's date whom the bride or groom don't even know, and who that guest barely knows and may not even end up dating them for very long. Will either the bride or groom, or the guest really want this "stranger" in the photo in a few years time when they look back upon the pictures?

I've seen that it mostly depends on if the parents are paying. We dictated the guest list because my husband and I paid. We picked a venue that had a hard limit of 70 people (fire codes) and that implied "Nobody is allowed to invite people willy nilly."

When people started RSVP-ing no, that was when I relaxed the invitation limit. I wasn't sure if I would be able to invite my coworkers, but I was eventually able to. (They knew they were in the "B group", and were ok with it since it was gonna be upstate anyway, and everyone understands family takes precedence.) My mom inviting that long-lost relative was after I had relaxed it. Not that big of a deal.

But what if they're not dating that person much longer after the wedding?

Or what if you were together with someone when the invitation was sent out in, say, March, but you're not with her if the wedding is at the beginning of September but with someone else whom you just met at the end of August? Is this new person still invited?

If there are only 100 places at a reception dinner, why should this stranger take up one of the valuable spots which could've gone to a friend the bride or groom actually knows better but has to forgo just to accommodate a +1 for the other friend?

It's not my business what my friend does with the +1 invite. And because of my limited venue space, I only +1'd people who I knew were in serious relationships when I invited them. A few still chose to go to the wedding by themselves, and that was totally cool.

My sister went with her bf of 4 years, and they broke up less than a year after. There are pictures of him, pretty nice ones. It is what it is. Although I guess I'm glad I haven't gotten around to printing a wedding photo album. I'll take it, LOL.

IMO, if you want to be able to curate your wedding guest list carefully, get a small venue space. Then nobody will be able to whine about why they aren't getting a +1 or why they can't invite Aunt Betty who hasn't seen you in 30 years. You can just shrug and go, "Sorry, we loved the venue and figured we'd have an intimate wedding!" ¯\_(&#12484_/¯

What would happen if you haven't been given an invitation with a +1 but you're dating someone who insists on being invited as your +1 and pressures you to ask the couple?And what if she kicks up a fuss if you say you don't want to out of respect for the couple (and for some of the reasons I gave above where you might not want to bring that date anyway because you don't know how long it would last)? Would that be a sign to break things off with this person?

This is all hypothetical btw, as I'm not in this situation, but just wondered about it for future consideration if that ever did happen.

I wouldn't want to be dating them for much longer, in that case. But that's me. Some are okay being in relationships where they're pressured to do things they don't like, and are walked all over otherwise. That's definitely not me.

 

[Dark Raven]

Well here's a question, which goes back to the original post which Warhorse posted. What if you weren't invited to a wedding even though you are friends with the couple, but someone else invited you as their plus one (eg you either started dating them or they just invited you that one time as their date)? Should you go?

Personally I wouldn't. If the couple didn't want me there in the first place, then I wouldn't try to find a backdoor into the wedding/ reception. Maybe there's a reason they didn't invite me, so surely they would be surprised to see me if I suddenly showed up anyway. And I would've wanted to have been invited in my own right if I were friends with the couple, and not merely get in as someone's plus one. But that's just me. Obviously it seems some people are different going by Warhorse's post.

 

[Anita18]

Well here's a question, which goes back to the original post which Warhorse posted. What if you weren't invited to a wedding even though you are friends with the couple, but someone else invited you as their plus one (eg you either started dating them or they just invited you that one time as their date)? Should you go?

Personally I wouldn't. If the couple didn't want me there in the first place, then I wouldn't try to find a backdoor into the wedding/ reception. Maybe there's a reason they didn't invite me, so surely they would be surprised to see me if I suddenly showed up anyway. And I would've wanted to have been invited in my own right if I were friends with the couple, and not merely get in as someone's plus one. But that's just me. Obviously it seems some people are different going by Warhorse's post.

You don't necessarily know that. Maybe they had to prioritize who to invite, and some acquaintances had to be left behind. I mean, obviously you wouldn't be very close to them if you weren't prioritized, but that doesn't mean that they hate you and don't want you there period.

IMO, unless the wedding guest list is a total free-for-all, couples do have an idea who their guests would bring as a +1. And if it is a total free-for-all, it's probably a 250+ guest wedding and they probably wouldn't see the other person anyway, aside from a fleeting moment if they make the rounds during dinner.

If it's a large wedding and someone puts up a stink because of an unexpected +1, it's because someone went out of their way to create drama, like bringing the bride/groom's/parents' ex-spouse or someone they know for a fact the couple hates.

 

[guitarsingerguy]

The couple getting married want their guests to have a good time too. Adding a plus one is completely normal. Plus, weddings are a good place to take someone you're getting to know.

 

[Dark Raven]

Damn. I quite fancy my music teacher, but she's not available at the moment sadly.

 

[Six]

I've been hanging out with this girl and she really likes me and I like her too but I want to let her know I'm not really looking for something serious right now without hurting her feelings. I don't want to be passive aggressive and start ignoring her like a dbag but I don't want to lead her on. What's the most tactful way of going about this?

 

[Dark Raven]

Well, just be honest with her. But the question is why are you not looking for something serious right now? Is she not someone you would consider being serious with? What if the right person were to come along? Would you get serious with them?

You could just take things slowly and tell her so, and that you don't want to rush into anything yet but just want to get to know her more. Maybe if you did know each other more you might find you do want to make more of a commitment.


Has anyone ever gotten to know their private teachers as more than a just a teacher? Even just to become friends? I would like to get to know mine better, but then I wonder if that would just be opening myself up more to developing feelings for her. I already like her but try not to entertain anything because I know she's not available (she has a bf). But it does get increasing hard to have lessons with her without wondering if she might eventually catch on that I fancy her.

 

[Erzengel]

Has anyone ever gotten to know their private teachers as more than a just a teacher? Even just to become friends? I would like to get to know mine better, but then I wonder if that would just be opening myself up more to developing feelings for her. I already like her but try not to entertain anything because I know she's not available (she has a bf). But it does get increasing hard to have lessons with her without wondering if she might eventually catch on that I fancy her.

Honestly, I don't think you can handle being friend with your teacher. You obviously have ulterior motives regardless of how you act on them.

 

[Anita18]

Honestly, I don't think you can handle being friend with your teacher. You obviously have ulterior motives regardless of how you act on them.

I agree there.

Dark Raven, even now, when you're considering whether you can be a friend to her, you've already expressed the yearning to date her. You can't really be a friend to someone if you always have that yearning behind all your interactions.

 

[Anita18]

I've been hanging out with this girl and she really likes me and I like her too but I want to let her know I'm not really looking for something serious right now without hurting her feelings. I don't want to be passive aggressive and start ignoring her like a dbag but I don't want to lead her on. What's the most tactful way of going about this?

If you're simply not looking for anything serious, just say that. I've known plenty of folks who weren't really looking to seriously date around because they were focused on school or a career. It's a legitimate reason.

Of course, you have to mean it. I've definitely seen instances where someone claimed they "weren't looking for anything serious" but then they met an amazing person and that went out the window. But that's life. You don't know what you're gonna get until you get it.

 

[Dark Raven]

Honestly, I don't think you can handle being friend with your teacher. You obviously have ulterior motives regardless of how you act on them.

I agree there.

Dark Raven, even now, when you're considering whether you can be a friend to her, you've already expressed the yearning to date her. You can't really be a friend to someone if you always have that yearning behind all your interactions.

I dunno. I've had to put up with a lot of that over the years with various women, and after a while maybe I have lost the feelings but remained friends. Even sometimes been to some of these people's weddings and been happy for them.

She does remind me a little bit of Donna from Suits.

 

[Anita18]

I dunno. I've had to put up with a lot of that over the years with various women, and after a while maybe I have lost the feelings but remained friends. Even sometimes been to some of these people's weddings and been happy for them.

She does remind me a little bit of Donna from Suits.

I mean, it's up to you. But right now, it really seems like you have an ulterior motive, to be waiting in the wings when she breaks up with her bf.

 

[Dark Raven]

I mean, it's up to you. But right now, it really seems like you have an ulterior motive, to be waiting in the wings when she breaks up with her bf.

Oh I'm not waiting around for that. That never works because a) it may not happen and b) even if it did there's no guarantee that she would even feel anything for me. I wouldn't want to have a vain hope because I'd be fooling myself that I was even in the picture when there's probably a 99% chance I never was.

But since that is the case with practically every girl I meet and always has been, I might as well take the opportunity to make friends otherwise if I didn't I'd never have any friends of the opposite sex if I couldn't learn to deal with any feelings for various people over the years by now.

 

[SpideyVille]

So I decided to delete OkCupid and Tinder off my phone. I've been casually using them since January, but I've mostly used them to see what's out there. While there have been plenty of girls that I found attractive, ultimately I never sent out a message to any of them because I wasn't sure if I was ready to be in that "getting to know" phase with anyone.

I probably could have had some luck had I been more proactive, but I decided to be honest with myself and admit that I'd much rather be single, for now. Before my last relationship started, I felt like I wasn't where I wanted to be in life, and I knew a relationship would be a distraction, which it was. So now, I'm dead set on continuing to focus on myself and my life, and I gotta admit, it feels pretty great to be single in the city, with a decent paying job and no real bills. I recently got a raise at my job, so my next step is to save up enough to move out to a place I can hopefully afford on my own.

I know life is spontaneous and you never know when you might fall into a relationship that you didn't see coming, especially if the right person comes along, but I'm at a point where I'm done hoping for one.

 

[Erzengel]

As long as you feel you aren't ready to date because you do want to be somewhat settled, and not because you're just afraid to get back out there.

 

[Anita18]

Another consideration is that relationships don't have to be "distractions." Many people assume that they are (hooray antiquated gender roles), but that's the difference between "just dating around" and "being in a sustainable, healthy, long-term relationship."

I'm a better person because of my husband. There's no shame in having high standards for your relationships, if you want to be focused on improving the rest of your life too.

 

[SpideyVille]

As long as you feel you aren't ready to date because you do want to be somewhat settled, and not because you're just afraid to get back out there.

I feel like its more selfishness than fear at this point. Things have been getting better in many areas of my life, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I had someone to share some moments with. But at the same time, this is really the first time in my life that I've had some financial freedom and I kinda want to enjoy it for a bit and build on things for myself. knowing myself, I would probably end up blowing a lot of money on trying to make a girl happy, regardless of how materialistic she may or may not be.

Another consideration is that relationships don't have to be "distractions." Many people assume that they are (hooray antiquated gender roles), but that's the difference between "just dating around" and "being in a sustainable, healthy, long-term relationship."

I'm a better person because of my husband. There's no shame in having high standards for your relationships, if you want to be focused on improving the rest of your life too.

I call it a "distraction" because I know myself and, for better or worse, it's something that would be on my mind a lot. It's no secret here that I overthink and put the cart before there's even a horse to put in front of it. It's something I knew would happen for a long time, and being in a relationship in both good times and bad has shown me that I need to do a better job at managing my thoughts.