A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[Spider-Fan]

Still too long. Get on the offense. With the girl I'm seeing right now, it took 2 days after we had the talk about liking each other for something to happen. Need to move on these things.

 

[BrollySupersj]

EDIT: Man I totally misread the thread title. What I posted wasn't anything asking or giving advice on. My bad.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Still too long. Get on the offense. With the girl I'm seeing right now, it took 2 days after we had the talk about liking each other for something to happen. Need to move on these things.

Darn tootin'.

 

[Anita18]

Still too long. Get on the offense. With the girl I'm seeing right now, it took 2 days after we had the talk about liking each other for something to happen. Need to move on these things.

And it still took me and my bf two months for "something to happen" even after he told me he wanted to have a relationship with me. We've now been together 3 years. Some couples just move slow, man.

I suppose we're losers according to y'alls definition of such. Losers who happen to have found each other.

 

[Anubis]

Yeah, you guys are L7's.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, you guys are L7's.

At least we're happy.

 

[Anubis]

Which is all that matters in the grand scheme of things.

 

[bullets]

Wait... guys can "friend zone"?

When did we evolve that our hormones taper off that much to allow for that to happen..?

I've done it( long time ago). Not proud of it but for some reason I kept things stringing along and would make up dumb excuses not to get physical. I just didn't want to be alone at the time but didn't find the girl attractive enough.

 

[SpideyVille]

I've done it( long time ago). Not proud of it but for some reason I kept things stringing along and would make up dumb excuses not to get physical. I just didn't want to be alone at the time but didn't find the girl attractive enough.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've done this a couple of times. In fact, I think I did it to the friend that I mentioned here recently that I was talking to a lot but didn't want her to get the wrong idea. I liked talking to her, but I didn't want her to fall for me or anything because she was not my type and I couldn't picture getting physical with her even though she liked hugging me.

Ironically, we've kind of stopped talking as frequently now that school is over and I miss the companionship, though we were talking more about me than her. I kind feel like I was using her.

 

[Hound55]

I've done it( long time ago). Not proud of it but for some reason I kept things stringing along and would make up dumb excuses not to get physical. I just didn't want to be alone at the time but didn't find the girl attractive enough.

That's what the libido is for... To close that gap in attractiveness.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Okay, my date with Mr 'Nice and maybe dull' guy is tonight!

He's taking me to the cinema to see Sherlock Holmes 2 (bonus because I really wanted to see it anyway), and then out for drinks.

Couple of questions for you guys -

1. Do you think I should make it clear I'm not looking for anything long term? And how should I go about doing that? Actually come out and say it, or just not be overly flirty or girly and have the slightly plutonic nature of the date speak for itself?

2. What are some good conversation topics if we run into awkward silence ? - it's an hour a a half drive to the cinema so I've gotta fill all that time without the help of liquid courage I'm usually pretty good at keeping convos going (from working as a barmaid), but if the guy is especially nervous or shy it can be hard to keep THEM going. So I need some good questions that will keep him talking so it's not just me rambling the whole way.

3. Should I kiss him goodnight? - bear in mind we already kissed a lot BEFORE the date when we ran into each other last saturday. That's WHY there is now a date I wanna slow things right down.

I don't want to sleep with him yet because a) I want to try actual dating out and not fall into my usually defensive habit of friends with benefits b) I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him yet c) I've been having serious body image self consciousness lately.

But I also don't want it to look like I've completely gone off him after being so forward when I was drunk.

Cheers for any help!

I'm actually really nervous now. I've never been on a cinema date, and only ever been on two real dates (most of my relationships have been with people who knew my friends - so we'd all just go out as normal, but now I'd be holding someone's hand).

I'm usually pretty confident in my personality and ability to not be boring, but this is a really different social situation, with a guy I'm not too sure about.

And it could be such a weird night.

I mean, what if by the time we get to the movie my lack of interested has been cemented by that hour and a half convo. The rest of the night is just going to be so awkward then, with me basically trying to be 'pally' and talking about moving to bristol a lot so he gets the hint

Or if it goes well, I'm going to get all weird and self conscious and worry that I don't look good enough, that I'm talking too much, that he's bored or thinks I'm odd etc etc.

Man, I suck at this whole game!

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Okay, my date with Mr 'Nice and maybe dull' guy is tonight!

He's taking me to the cinema to see Sherlock Holmes 2 (bonus because I really wanted to see it anyway), and then out for drinks.

Couple of questions for you guys -

1. Do you think I should make it clear I'm not looking for anything long term? And how should I go about doing that? Actually come out and say it, or just not be overly flirty or girly and have the slightly plutonic nature of the date speak for itself?

I would make it clear you arent looking for anything, personally speaking, I hate being strung along, i'm sure other guys feel the same, so if you are upfront about it he wont get dissapointed by expecting more.

2. What are some good conversation topics if we run into awkward silence ? - it's an hour a a half drive to the cinema so I've gotta fill all that time without the help of liquid courage I'm usually pretty good at keeping convos going (from working as a barmaid), but if the guy is especially nervous or shy it can be hard to keep THEM going. So I need some good questions that will keep him talking so it's not just me rambling the whole way.

You are obviously both movie fans, talk about that, what movies you are looking forward to seeing, etc, should kill at least an hour.

3. Should I kiss him goodnight? - bear in mind we already kissed a lot BEFORE the date when we ran into each other last saturday. That's WHY there is now a date I wanna slow things right down.

Well, speaking as a guy, yeah kiss him goodnight t:.

I don't want to sleep with him yet because a) I want to try actual dating out and not fall into my usually defensive habit of friends with benefits b) I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him yet c) I've been having serious body image self consciousness lately.

Just be honest, again, personally speaking, I have been strung along before and didnt like it what-so-ever, i actually felt it was pretty horrible and demeaning until later events that transpired.

But I also don't want it to look like I've completely gone off him after being so forward when I was drunk.

Cheers for any help!

Explain you get a little more forward when drunk, this wont surprise him as everyone does! But also still show you like him, at least initially.

I'm actually really nervous now. I've never been on a cinema date, and only ever been on two real dates (most of my relationships have been with people who knew my friends - so we'd all just go out as normal, but now I'd be holding someone's hand).

I'm usually pretty confident in my personality and ability to not be boring, but this is a really different social situation, with a guy I'm not too sure about.

And it could be such a weird night.

I mean, what if by the time we get to the movie my lack of interested has been cemented by that hour and a half convo. The rest of the night is just going to be so awkward then, with me basically trying to be 'pally' and talking about moving to bristol a lot so he gets the hint

Or if it goes well, I'm going to get all weird and self conscious and worry that I don't look good enough, that I'm talking too much, that he's bored or thinks I'm odd etc etc.

Man, I suck at this whole game!

I have found the worst thing you can do is worry, just enjoy it as best you can and see what happens.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I know what you mean about leading him on - that's my main worry because I don't know how experienced his is with dating... He might think that after this date I'm his girlfriend! And there is no way I'm ready to be anyone's girlfriend.

But after years of being in uncommitted relationships/flings and not being treated with a hell of a lot of respect or patience by men - I just feel like I deserve a different kind of attention for once.

Plus, people are constantly telling me I'm too picky and that I write people off too quickly.

I could understand a guy being upset if I went out on dates with him for a month, but I don't think I'm being horrible by just saying yes to one date and letting someone express an interest in me beyond sex and conditional company- I mean, that should happen more often anyway! I'm pretty darn cool

And I don't wanna have to feel like I need to 'warn him' that it might not go anyway... Isn't that assumed on any first date? It's not a ticket to a relationship, it's a preview

 

[Erzengel]

Just have a good time. If things initiate into some level of intimacy, I'd play it by ear. I'm sure he knows you are leaving. If he brings up the subject of a relationship, say you aren't looking for anything serious since you aren't staying.

 

[LOBO3315a]

today has been a continuation of blatant disrespect towards my disciplinary measures in the past week; basically we caught him smoking weed a few months ago, which is why I gave him the first whoopin; I found a roach in his room last week and took his phone from him and today his school called me and told me that he's been actin like an ass . . . he gets on the phone and acts all hard in front of the teachers . . .

I'm real pissed cuz my sister (his mom) is here visiting for the holidays and I don't want to ruin their time together . . . but I already told her as soon as she leaves he's "getting it"

his father isn't really around, so I'm all he has for a male influence; and when I discipline him, he is quick to try and throw it in my face that I'm not his father; well I'm basically shaking out of anger when I get home, I can't even look at him right now

Corporal punishment has a lesser affect on teen boys. They view it as a source of pride if they can endure it, and act like it's no big deal.

What works best for them best at that age is humiliation. Being seen in an embarrassing situation is far worse that the worst butt-whupping. Use his peers' influence. How bad would it be if you showed up to his school for a day to walk him around to all of his classes? Can't tell you how many times my son straightened up when I or his mom threatened to do that.

And as for smoking weed in his room, he would have to have a place to hide it, to keep its presence a secret. Time for him to lose the door to his room, and remove his mattress from its frame. It gets stood up when he's not sleeping on it. Remove the dresser from his room, and give him milk crates to put his clothes in. Regular inspections of his room would be the norm. Might seem a bit militant, but it would show him you are serious about him following the rules. He needs to be reminded privacy is a privilege, not a right.

 

[DBryan]

What age is he?

Maybe you should talk to him, instead of giving him a "whoopin"

It's weed, not heroine.

Talk to him, tell him his studying is more important right now, that he's too young for weed. He's not responsible enough for weed, it will make him lazy, and if he's young it will mess with his head too much. Gotta wait till your mind is more developed.

Be honest with him. Don't lie to him.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Corporal punishment has a lesser affect on teen boys. They view it as a source of pride if they can endure it, and act like it's no big deal.

What works best for them best at that age is humiliation. Being seen in an embarrassing situation is far worse that the worst butt-whupping. Use his peers' influence. How bad would it be if you showed up to his school for a day to walk him around to all of his classes? Can't tell you how many times my son straightened up when I or his mom threatened to do that.

And as for smoking weed in his room, he would have to have a place to hide it, to keep its presence a secret. Time for him to lose the door to his room, and remove his mattress from its frame. It gets stood up when he's not sleeping on it. Remove the dresser from his room, and give him milk crates to put his clothes in. Regular inspections of his room would be the norm. Might seem a bit militant, but it would show him you are serious about him following the rules. He needs to be reminded privacy is a privilege, not a right.

Geez Stalin, it's just weed.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Corporal punishment has a lesser affect on teen boys. They view it as a source of pride if they can endure it, and act like it's no big deal.

What works best for them best at that age is humiliation. Being seen in an embarrassing situation is far worse that the worst butt-whupping. Use his peers' influence. How bad would it be if you showed up to his school for a day to walk him around to all of his classes? Can't tell you how many times my son straightened up when I or his mom threatened to do that.

And as for smoking weed in his room, he would have to have a place to hide it, to keep its presence a secret. Time for him to lose the door to his room, and remove his mattress from its frame. It gets stood up when he's not sleeping on it. Remove the dresser from his room, and give him milk crates to put his clothes in. Regular inspections of his room would be the norm. Might seem a bit militant, but it would show him you are serious about him following the rules. He needs to be reminded privacy is a privilege, not a right.

Wow! I wouldn't mess with you, that's for sure

Seriously though, I was smoking weed and drinking cheap cider when I was 15, got caught playing hooky a few times and got a bit of an attitude. Though admittedly I was a bit better at hiding it

But the majority of my friends where doing a lot worse things by that age (ecstacy, speed, mushrooms etc).

And my grades never suffered, still went on to colleged and uni and now a half decent job and career aspiritions.

Basically, most teenagers go through this sort of stage. You just have to put it in perspective and make sure it doesn't cross a line. Let them make a few mistakes, but don't let them get away with everything scott free. It's a fine line.

My mum was pretty good with that, but then I was never a particularly bad kid.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Yep, it's just weed. It's just disrespect to the guy who has decided to be a father to a kid that he really has no stake in, other than he is his nephew.

Look, what he's doing is pushing boundaries. When kids do that, they are really asking a question. That question is, "Do you love me?" If you don't love the kid, you won't care if they show up to school too baked to understand the lessons being taught. You won't care if he disrespects authority.

If you care, you'll correct them. If the rules are, you don't smoke weed, and he tries to, you respond. You show him you care about the rules and in essence, you care about him. If the rule is, You can smoke weed, but only if your grades don't drop, and he tries to do it behind your back after getting all "D"s then my advice would still stand. It's not about the drugs, it's about the kid asking the question "Do you love me?", and you responding.

 

[DV8]

Corporal punishment has a lesser affect on teen boys. They view it as a source of pride if they can endure it, and act like it's no big deal.

What works best for them best at that age is humiliation. Being seen in an embarrassing situation is far worse that the worst butt-whupping. Use his peers' influence. How bad would it be if you showed up to his school for a day to walk him around to all of his classes? Can't tell you how many times my son straightened up when I or his mom threatened to do that.

And as for smoking weed in his room, he would have to have a place to hide it, to keep its presence a secret. Time for him to lose the door to his room, and remove his mattress from its frame. It gets stood up when he's not sleeping on it. Remove the dresser from his room, and give him milk crates to put his clothes in. Regular inspections of his room would be the norm. Might seem a bit militant, but it would show him you are serious about him following the rules. He needs to be reminded privacy is a privilege, not a right.

that's some great advice . . . he's close to losing his room, period as it is . . . I still wanna whoop his ass though

 

[DV8]

Wow! I wouldn't mess with you, that's for sure

Seriously though, I was smoking weed and drinking cheap cider when I was 15, got caught playing hooky a few times and got a bit of an attitude. Though admittedly I was a bit better at hiding it

But the majority of my friends where doing a lot worse things by that age (ecstacy, speed, mushrooms etc).

And my grades never suffered, still went on to colleged and uni and now a half decent job and career aspiritions.

Basically, most teenagers go through this sort of stage. You just have to put it in perspective and make sure it doesn't cross a line. Let them make a few mistakes, but don't let them get away with everything scott free. It's a fine line.

My mum was pretty good with that, but then I was never a particularly bad kid.

Yep, it's just weed. It's just disrespect to the guy who has decided to be a father to a kid that he really has no stake in, other than he is his nephew.

Look, what he's doing is pushing boundaries. When kids do that, they are really asking a question. That question is, "Do you love me?" If you don't love the kid, you won't care if they show up to school too baked to understand the lessons being taught. You won't care if he disrespects authority.

If you care, you'll correct them. If the rules are, you don't smoke weed, and he tries to, you respond. You show him you care about the rules and in essence, you care about him. If the rule is, You can smoke weed, but only if your grades don't drop, and he tries to do it behind your back after getting all "D"s then my advice would still stand. It's not about the drugs, it's about the kid asking the question "Do you love me?", and you responding.

exactly, it's "just weed" and the next thing it'll be coke, ecstacy, shrooms, booze; I told him he has his whole life to party; turning 18 may seem like an eternity to him, but tough ****

I'm sure he and I will have a lot of fun together when he's older, but he is not 18 and these are the rules; Lobo is exactly right . . .

 

[LOBO3315a]

that's some great advice . . . he's close to losing his room, period as it is . . . I still wanna whoop his ass though

Understandable. Unfortunately, all he'll see it as is you being bigger and stronger than him. He'll decide once he's bigger and stronger, to do the same to someone smaller than him. Viscous cycle, and no one wins.

Good thing is, Teenagers are easier to reason with than 5 year olds. They understand actions and consequences better at that age. He needs to understand that if this behavior keeps up, getting the door to his room taken off its hinges will seem minor to having to go to jail and becoming someone's girlfriend.

 

[steintym]

These stories scare the hell out of me. My son is only 18 months old and is just this sweet, innocent little dude. Hard to imagine butting heads with him.

I know those days are coming though ....

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I know what you mean about leading him on - that's my main worry because I don't know how experienced his is with dating... He might think that after this date I'm his girlfriend! And there is no way I'm ready to be anyone's girlfriend.

But after years of being in uncommitted relationships/flings and not being treated with a hell of a lot of respect or patience by men - I just feel like I deserve a different kind of attention for once.

Plus, people are constantly telling me I'm too picky and that I write people off too quickly.

I could understand a guy being upset if I went out on dates with him for a month, but I don't think I'm being horrible by just saying yes to one date and letting someone express an interest in me beyond sex and conditional company- I mean, that should happen more often anyway! I'm pretty darn cool

And I don't wanna have to feel like I need to 'warn him' that it might not go anyway... Isn't that assumed on any first date? It's not a ticket to a relationship, it's a preview

I think you should just treat it like any other first date. You say you're not really interested, but still agreed to the date and said maybe this is more the type of guy you should be dating. Who knows, maybe you'll actually have a good time after all. However, since you are very unsure, make sure you pay for part of it at least or go dutch.

Also, in terms of moving are you planning on moving before getting a job or only once you have a job in the new town. If it's only afterwards, I wouldn't mention anything other than it being a hyptothetical, it could take a good long while before you get a new job. It took me five months of looking to just get an interview this year for a job.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

exactly, it's "just weed" and the next thing it'll be coke, ecstacy, shrooms, booze; I told him he has his whole life to party; turning 18 may seem like an eternity to him, but tough ****

I'm sure he and I will have a lot of fun together when he's older, but he is not 18 and these are the rules; Lobo is exactly right . . .

The more you villify an activity, the more desirable it will seem to a rebellious teenager.