A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[hopefuldreamer]

I think you should just treat it like any other first date. You say you're not really interested, but still agreed to the date and said maybe this is more the type of guy you should be dating. Who knows, maybe you'll actually have a good time after all. However, since you are very unsure, make sure you pay for part of it at least or go dutch.

Also, in terms of moving are you planning on moving before getting a job or only once you have a job in the new town. If it's only afterwards, I wouldn't mention anything other than it being a hyptothetical, it could take a good long while before you get a new job. It took me five months of looking to just get an interview this year for a job.

Definitely agreed on the paying thing. I figure he'll offer to pay for the ticket and I'll get the popcorn.

As for the job thing, yeah I could have a good time. I probably will. I manage to have a good time even when I go out on my own, so it shouldn't be too hard

I know it could take a while... But I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't still be in my hometown at 25 (which comes up in september) so I basically have until then. And if I have to I'll work bar jobs while I'm looking for something more secure. That's why I'm trying to save up enough money for a deposit and months rent up from... Ideal would be 2 months but I gotta be realistic. Even working two jobs at the moment I don't get a chance to save much money.

But for me, it's the sooner the better. If something comes up in January or February, I will find some way of going.

Just as long as he knows that, it should be fine.

 

[LOBO3315a]

The more you villify an activity, the more desirable it will seem to a rebellious teenager.

Unless you make the consequences not worth the trouble. Everyone has a point in which they say "I'd really like to do >insert activity here< but not if I have to endure >insert consequence here< afterwards." It's different for each person, and being a parent requires that you find out where that point is for the children you are raising.

Rules are rules. Society has them, and there are consequences for breaking them. Growing up in a house should be no different. The consequences shouldn't be life-threatening, but they should be there.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

I know what you mean about leading him on - that's my main worry because I don't know how experienced his is with dating... He might think that after this date I'm his girlfriend! And there is no way I'm ready to be anyone's girlfriend.

But after years of being in uncommitted relationships/flings and not being treated with a hell of a lot of respect or patience by men - I just feel like I deserve a different kind of attention for once.

Plus, people are constantly telling me I'm too picky and that I write people off too quickly.

I could understand a guy being upset if I went out on dates with him for a month, but I don't think I'm being horrible by just saying yes to one date and letting someone express an interest in me beyond sex and conditional company- I mean, that should happen more often anyway! I'm pretty darn cool

And I don't wanna have to feel like I need to 'warn him' that it might not go anyway... Isn't that assumed on any first date? It's not a ticket to a relationship, it's a preview

Well, first and foremost just see how much you like the guy, if you find yourself really liking him that could change your feelings towards him.

Thats why I pointed out I was just speaking from personal preference and experience and why I KEPT pointing out that fact, everyone is different. I'm sure just by mentioning you are moving away it will point out that you arent looking for anything serious.

Wow! I wouldn't mess with you, that's for sure

Seriously though, I was smoking weed and drinking cheap cider when I was 15, got caught playing hooky a few times and got a bit of an attitude. Though admittedly I was a bit better at hiding it

But the majority of my friends where doing a lot worse things by that age (ecstacy, speed, mushrooms etc).

And my grades never suffered, still went on to colleged and uni and now a half decent job and career aspiritions.

Basically, most teenagers go through this sort of stage. You just have to put it in perspective and make sure it doesn't cross a line. Let them make a few mistakes, but don't let them get away with everything scott free. It's a fine line.

My mum was pretty good with that, but then I was never a particularly bad kid.

Totally agree on this as well, this is pretty much the path I went down as a teenager.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It's not about the drugs, it's about the kid asking the question "Do you love me?", and you responding.

I agree that you should show that this is a bad thing and your against it. And you can certainly put your foot down about it going on in your house.

I think there is another important question of 'Do you trust me'.

You don't verbally condone them smoking weed, but I think it's okay to turn a blind eye to a certain amount of rebellious teenage experimentation where appropriate.

Otherwise your being controlling. Your telling the kid that they are not smart enough or capable enough of deciding what's right and wrong for themselves. Which is an especially important thing to encourage at that age.

Give them the benefit of the doubt. If they get worse progressively, step in. But chances are, like most teenagers who smoke a bit of weed like a rebel, they'll be fine.

And they will thank you for trusting them.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

I agree that you should show that this is a bad thing and your against it. And you can certainly put your foot down about it going on in your house.

I think there is another important question of 'Do you trust me'.

You don't verbally condone them smoking weed, but I think it's okay to turn a blind eye to a certain amount of rebellious teenage experimentation where appropriate.

Otherwise your being controlling. Your telling the kid that they are not smart enough or capable enough of deciding what's right and wrong for themselves. Which is an especially important thing to encourage at that age.

Give them the benefit of the doubt. If they get worse progressively, step in. But chances are, like most teenagers who smoke a bit of weed like a rebel, they'll be fine.

And they will thank you for trusting them.

Definately, when I was a teen, I tried both weed and cocaine as my friends did it (non of them pressured me too I might add). After trying both literally twice each I decided they werent for me and literally havent touched either in about 10 years. I did this all on my own without any influence on my parents and some of my friends who still take that stuff are actualy jealous of me!

 

[Spider-Who?]

Okay, my date with Mr 'Nice and maybe dull' guy is tonight!

He's taking me to the cinema to see Sherlock Holmes 2 (bonus because I really wanted to see it anyway), and then out for drinks.

Is this ytour first date with the guy? IMO, I NEVER take first dates to the movies. Its very hard to get to know them, and it tends to make sitting next to each other in a dark theater awkward.

Couple of questions for you guys -

1. Do you think I should make it clear I'm not looking for anything long term? And how should I go about doing that? Actually come out and say it, or just not be overly flirty or girly and have the slightly plutonic nature of the date speak for itself?

2. What are some good conversation topics if we run into awkward silence ? - it's an hour a a half drive to the cinema so I've gotta fill all that time without the help of liquid courage I'm usually pretty good at keeping convos going (from working as a barmaid), but if the guy is especially nervous or shy it can be hard to keep THEM going. So I need some good questions that will keep him talking so it's not just me rambling the whole way.

Don't be afraid of pauses in conversation. There's nothing wrong with moments of silence. People worry way to much about that.

3. Should I kiss him goodnight? - bear in mind we already kissed a lot BEFORE the date when we ran into each other last saturday. That's WHY there is now a date I wanna slow things right down.

If when the time comes, and you feel like giving him a good night kiss, then go for it. A good night kiss is just that. Doesn't make you a **** or anything.

I don't want to sleep with him yet because a) I want to try actual dating out and not fall into my usually defensive habit of friends with benefits b) I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him yet c) I've been having serious body image self consciousness lately.

But I also don't want it to look like I've completely gone off him after being so forward when I was drunk.

I think he'll understand. My first party I went to in college, I ended up messing around with a chick after she jumped me. Afterwards, it was fairly obvious that we liked each other, but realized being drunk caused things to go so fast. It was a total none-issue that things slowed down when we were sober. And if he has a problem with that, then he isn't worth your time.

I'm actually really nervous now. I've never been on a cinema date, and only ever been on two real dates (most of my relationships have been with people who knew my friends - so we'd all just go out as normal, but now I'd be holding someone's hand).

One of the reasons I personally don't do the movie date until a few dates in. But everyone's different.

I'm usually pretty confident in my personality and ability to not be boring, but this is a really different social situation, with a guy I'm not too sure about.

And it could be such a weird night.

First dates are always weird to an extent. But keep in mind, WEIRD DOES NOT HAVE TO MEAN BAD! Weird can be fun, enlightening, etc. It's all in how you make it.

I mean, what if by the time we get to the movie my lack of interested has been cemented by that hour and a half convo. The rest of the night is just going to be so awkward then, with me basically trying to be 'pally' and talking about moving to bristol a lot so he gets the hint

Or if it goes well, I'm going to get all weird and self conscious and worry that I don't look good enough, that I'm talking too much, that he's bored or thinks I'm odd etc etc.

Man, I suck at this whole game!

Yes, you suck We all do. Our minds screw with us over everything. Our brains like to be right, so they will come up with a scenario and outcome for EVERYTHING in the hopes of becoming prophets. We just gotta learn to shut those self-fulfilling prophesies down and stop over thinking. Let the night go where it may. Be honest with him and yourself. Have fun.

 

[LOBO3315a]

I agree that you should show that this is a bad thing and your against it. And you can certainly put your foot down about it going on in your house.

I think there is another important question of 'Do you trust me'.

You don't verbally condone them smoking weed, but I think it's okay to turn a blind eye to a certain amount of rebellious teenage experimentation where appropriate.

Otherwise your being controlling. Your telling the kid that they are not smart enough or capable enough of deciding what's right and wrong for themselves. Which is an especially important thing to encourage at that age.

Give them the benefit of the doubt. If they get worse progressively, step in. But chances are, like most teenagers who smoke a bit of weed like a rebel, they'll be fine.

And they will thank you for trusting them.

I say that's probably a good tactic when they are 16 or older, but in the young teens? I think being a bit more hands on is called for.

Because there are some things kids can experiment with at that age that have lifelong consequences. It would be sad to see someone flush their life down the toilet, because of some teen experimentation.

 

[WillardNation]

I'm in my mid to late 20's but I can remember my teens like they were yesterday. I can tell you acting like the militant authority figure is only going to add fuel to the fire. The best option is to talk to him like an adult and try to figure out and understand where he's at. Being a teenager is ****ing hard. All those hormones pumping through your body, going through high school which is one of the worst experiences in life IMO and trying to figure out what the **** is going on in your body.

I know it's really easy to just get mad and "whoop him" but I really think you'll yield much better results by being somebody he can talk to and help get him through some really complicated times.

Also, teens are going to experiment with drugs and partying. There's absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it. I would explain having a discussion with him that goes something like, "I know you're going to drink and smoke weed blah blah blah but I just want you to know what the dangers of doing so are...." and then go on to explain what it's like to be an addict and throwing your life away and that you know he likes weed but doing cocaine, ecstasy, meth, etc even just one time can lead to a really bad future.

And when you talk to him, absolutely NO yelling. He will respond a million times better to a calm conversation than to a lecture.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Definately, when I was a teen, I tried both weed and cocaine as my friends did it (non of them pressured me too I might add). After trying both literally twice each I decided they werent for me and literally havent touched either in about 10 years. I did this all on my own without any influence on my parents and some of my friends who still take that stuff are actualy jealous of me!

Exactly.

I mean, my mum's not born yesterday. She knew I was lying when I came in with red eye claiming I was getting a cold and then went to make a plate of sandwiches

But she didn't push me. She didn't confront me in an agressive way. She didn't ground me or tell me I couldn't go to parties or get the school involved or try and catch me doing it when I was out with friends.

She just looked at me, with this 'I know your lying to me, and it's hurtful' look on her face.

And because of that, I thought about her every time someone offered me anything harder than weed. I felt guilty every time I got especially wasted and tried not to go home.

She was trying to trust me, and I tried to live up to that as much as I could.

I certainly didn't feel like she didn't love me because she didn't ransack my room for drugs, confiscate my things, tell the school on me etc etc.

I felt she loved me more.

 

[twylight]

today has been a continuation of blatant disrespect towards my disciplinary measures in the past week; basically we caught him smoking weed a few months ago, which is why I gave him the first whoopin; I found a roach in his room last week and took his phone from him and today his school called me and told me that he's been actin like an ass . . . he gets on the phone and acts all hard in front of the teachers . . .

I'm real pissed cuz my sister (his mom) is here visiting for the holidays and I don't want to ruin their time together . . . but I already told her as soon as she leaves he's "getting it"

his father isn't really around, so I'm all he has for a male influence; and when I discipline him, he is quick to try and throw it in my face that I'm not his father; well I'm basically shaking out of anger when I get home, I can't even look at him right now

I guess my question would be; how did/does his mother raise him? Are there 'house rules' already in place? Did she ever physically discipline him? Have you when he was younger? If you suddenly just give him a 'whoopin' at the age of 14, he's not going to see it as discipline. He's going to see it as getting beat-up and humiliated by an older man who is not his father. I know you might not be able to see it his way. You might think that he should see you as a father/male figure because that's how you see yourself in his life. But he might not see it that way. At that age, no one but my parents could tell my brother what to do.

I know it might feel like you're banging your head against a wall, but I really suggest open dialogue about all of this. Lay it out. My parents did this with both my brother and I when we hit our rebellious phase (moreso my brother)

"We love you. This is what happens educationally and socially when you do x. Moreover this is what we'll do as a familywhen you do x to prevent the before mentioned issues. We support you, and you only have to endure 4 more years. But you follow our rules that we have in place to keep you out of trouble and safe, while you're in our house and under 18."

The whole 'weed' thing may be more of a symptom than the actual 'issue', especially if he's being disrespectful in school.

If he was a good kid, who was found with weed repeatedly, then yeah, I'd point to that. But he seems to genuinely have some issue with respect, and possibly even other things, based on him 'acting hard' in front of teaches. Sounds like a defense mechanism to me. In which case, a beating isn't going to help, nor is a lecture given in anger.

My parents never spoke in anger to us. We were never lectured. We were given 'just the facts' like adults and then we were able to make our own choices of what to do based on that.

I totally support the 'no door' thing and the bedroom sweeps, as long as he's there when you do them. (not necessarily the crates/bed thing) My brother lost his door privilege pretty early into his teens and he learned that his bedroom isn't a 'sacred' place. It's part of the house, which our parents owned and who had complete control over everything/anything within it. Privacy is a privilege. However, go into it with a light hand as there seems to be other issues in play. Give him a reason to trust and talk to you (respect) instead of a reason to want to lash out more to get a negative reaction from you.

 

[Anubis]

Exactly.

I mean, my mum's not born yesterday. She knew I was lying when I came in with red eye claiming I was getting a cold and then went to make a plate of sandwiches

But she didn't push me. She didn't confront me in an agressive way. She didn't ground me or tell me I couldn't go to parties or get the school involved or try and catch me doing it when I was out with friends.

She just looked at me, with this 'I know your lying to me, and it's hurtful' look on her face.

And because of that, I thought about her every time someone offered me anything harder than weed. I felt guilty every time I got especially wasted and tried not to go home.

She was trying to trust me, and I tried to live up to that as much as I could.

I certainly didn't feel like she didn't love me because she didn't ransack my room for drugs, confiscate my things, tell the school on me etc etc.

I felt she loved me more.

Yeah, but you aren't an A-hole.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Exactly.

I mean, my mum's not born yesterday. She knew I was lying when I came in with red eye claiming I was getting a cold and then went to make a plate of sandwiches

But she didn't push me. She didn't confront me in an agressive way. She didn't ground me or tell me I couldn't go to parties or get the school involved or try and catch me doing it when I was out with friends.

She just looked at me, with this 'I know your lying to me, and it's hurtful' look on her face.

And because of that, I thought about her every time someone offered me anything harder than weed. I felt guilty every time I got especially wasted and tried not to go home.

She was trying to trust me, and I tried to live up to that as much as I could.

I certainly didn't feel like she didn't love me because she didn't ransack my room for drugs, confiscate my things, tell the school on me etc etc.

I felt she loved me more.

Yep, pretty much same here, even when I wasnt doing it my friends were so I must have smelled of it and i'm sure they did it earlier in their lives, so they probably knew something was going on but just left me to it knowing I wasnt an idiot.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Is this ytour first date with the guy? IMO, I NEVER take first dates to the movies. Its very hard to get to know them, and it tends to make sitting next to each other in a dark theater awkward.

It's my first date yeah... and yeah it is a bit strange... but i wasn't going to say no, I want to see Sherlock Holmes 2 anyway, and he's paying

Don't be afraid of pauses in conversation. There's nothing wrong with moments of silence. People worry way to much about that.

I'm petrified of them Of course, i'm more scared of coming across like a motormouth who won't shut up about herself.

If when the time comes, and you feel like giving him a good night kiss, then go for it. A good night kiss is just that. Doesn't make you a **** or anything.

Oh I don't think kissing makes me a ****. I don't think there are many my male friends (or female for that matter) who I HAVEN'T kissed at some party or night. It's just fun!

This is different tho. I don't know much about dating.

I think he'll understand. My first party I went to in college, I ended up messing around with a chick after she jumped me. Afterwards, it was fairly obvious that we liked each other, but realized being drunk caused things to go so fast. It was a total none-issue that things slowed down when we were sober. And if he has a problem with that, then he isn't worth your time.

I doubt it will be an issue, just don't wanna make him paranoid that he did something wrong.

First dates are always weird to an extent. But keep in mind, WEIRD DOES NOT HAVE TO MEAN BAD! Weird can be fun, enlightening, etc. It's all in how you make it.

Yeah, i'm just going to focus on being really cool. If I'M really cool, then chances are he'll catch on

Yes, you suck We all do. Our minds screw with us over everything. Our brains like to be right, so they will come up with a scenario and outcome for EVERYTHING in the hopes of becoming prophets. We just gotta learn to shut those self-fulfilling prophesies down and stop over thinking. Let the night go where it may. Be honest with him and yourself. Have fun.

Too true. Hence me cracking open a bottle of fruit cider ... gotta shut that brain up somehow, and i'm just so much less nervous with one drink in me. Maybe it's a bad thing to do that tho, I dunno.

Anyway after a rush job of make up and digging out my 'pulling top' (never fails ), how do I look?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yeah, but you aren't an A-hole.

Well yeah, I guess it does depend on the kid.

But if you have shown them enough love for long enough, then hopefully they will love YOU enough to care.

 

[DV8]

The more you villify an activity, the more desirable it will seem to a rebellious teenager.

I didn't really "villify" it though; hell, a lot of my family smokes weed; I was honest with him, he's old enough to understand that we will probably even smoke weed together at some point; what he won't do is disobey me in my own house though . . . that's the point here

 

[Anita18]

Wow! I wouldn't mess with you, that's for sure

Seriously though, I was smoking weed and drinking cheap cider when I was 15, got caught playing hooky a few times and got a bit of an attitude. Though admittedly I was a bit better at hiding it

But the majority of my friends where doing a lot worse things by that age (ecstacy, speed, mushrooms etc).

And my grades never suffered, still went on to colleged and uni and now a half decent job and career aspiritions.

Basically, most teenagers go through this sort of stage. You just have to put it in perspective and make sure it doesn't cross a line. Let them make a few mistakes, but don't let them get away with everything scott free. It's a fine line.

My mum was pretty good with that, but then I was never a particularly bad kid.

You all know how square and boring my bf is, and he went through that stage too when he was a teenager. Weed, booze in HS, being an ass to his teachers, sneaking off without telling his mom....he did all that. It makes me SO hard when I think about it because you wouldn't picture that AT ALL when you look at him now.

For him, he was acting out against his helicopter mom. Pushing boundaries, absolutely. Establishing his independence, saying quite clearly "you can't tell me what to do."

Eventually he settled down, and now that he's an adult and has to pay for his transgressions (ie, speeding tickets, getting caught with weed, etc), he's very much a play-by-the-rules guy. But he's settled down in general too. Earlier this year he was in Amsterdam and I basically told him he should smoke weed there and he was like, "Eh."

Exactly.

I mean, my mum's not born yesterday. She knew I was lying when I came in with red eye claiming I was getting a cold and then went to make a plate of sandwiches

But she didn't push me. She didn't confront me in an agressive way. She didn't ground me or tell me I couldn't go to parties or get the school involved or try and catch me doing it when I was out with friends.

She just looked at me, with this 'I know your lying to me, and it's hurtful' look on her face.

And because of that, I thought about her every time someone offered me anything harder than weed. I felt guilty every time I got especially wasted and tried not to go home.

She was trying to trust me, and I tried to live up to that as much as I could.

I certainly didn't feel like she didn't love me because she didn't ransack my room for drugs, confiscate my things, tell the school on me etc etc.

I felt she loved me more.

This is exactly how Asian guilt works. Fact. "I love you, and if you do well in school, you'll show your love back to us by making us proud. Be a failure, break the rules, and WE lose respect too. Don't disappoint us."

It was never about us just being a brat to our parents. There was always a bigger picture involved. We were taught that since we were young, and guess what? I'm a square now, and I always have been. I'm pretty much the only person around here (people who aren't Asian of course) that didn't drink in high school, sneak off, or smoke anything. I still have no interest in smoking or drinking (I've never even been drunk), but that's cause I live on my own now and all that costs money. Yeah, I'm the quintessential Asian AND CHEAP. Plus I've never liked the taste of alcohol, and getting past that to get drunk doesn't seem like the kind of thing I want to go through...Nor getting drunk. I like to have all my mental facilities up to my usual high standard. From seeing people around me in college, I act drunk when I'm tired anyway. That's more fun, and there's no puking involved.

 

[Anita18]

I didn't really "villify" it though; hell, a lot of my family smokes weed; I was honest with him, he's old enough to understand that we will probably even smoke weed together at some point; what he won't do is disobey me in my own house though . . . that's the point here

I think you've got to connect it to the bigger picture here. He's old enough to know that a lot of the family smokes weed and nobody gets in trouble, you're just "picking on him" and that's why he's acting out.

I get it, he's a kid, but at that age, kids are all about the "everyone else gets to do it, so why don't I?" If you remind him that he's a kid and gets no freedom, he'll just push the boundaries some more. He's establishing his independence now.

My mom always told me to get adopted by other families if we preferred their way of doing things. But since your family's already nontraditional (especially if his father's not in the picture), it's probably something that wouldn't work all that well with him.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Damn cute, and from the pick, yeah, I can tell, you don't really go for 'nice boys'.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

You can tell that just by looking at me!

And cheers

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

exactly, it's "just weed" and the next thing it'll be coke, ecstacy, shrooms, booze; I told him he has his whole life to party; turning 18 may seem like an eternity to him, but tough ****

I'm sure he and I will have a lot of fun together when he's older, but he is not 18 and these are the rules; Lobo is exactly right . . .

I've drank (of course), took ecstacy, done shrooms and smoke an a** of weed, so take it from a guy who has been around the block and back: the worst thing you can do is villify drugs. The reason is drugs actually feel really good, so after you spend all this time fear-mongering, the first time they try them they won't live up to all your hype. I can promise you that.

Very few drugs will be that dangerous the first time you try them. In fact, your tolerance is usually so low one hit of a joint, or one stem and cap of a shroom is enough to do the trick. Typically first time users won't ever get the chance to injest so much they do any perminant damage. So really their immediate reaction will be "man, pops don't know what he's talking about, this stuff is fine".

The real issues with drugs is the legality and the cost. They are lots of fun, and both that and chemical dependencies can make them addicting. That's really what you want to drive home. Not so much 'don't do drugs' as 'know what you're getting into'.

You have to be careful villifying drugs because that makes them enticing. Really you need to figure out why he's doing it. More than likely they'll be a fairly simple answer, and it won't be because he's personally trying to f*** with you.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

You can tell that just by looking at me!

And cheers

It's the smile and the eyes. I can tell, deep down, you've thought about doing bad things ...and maybe you have

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I've drank (of course), took ecstacy, done shrooms and smoke an a** of weed, so take it from a guy who has been around the block and back: the worst thing you can do is villify drugs. The reason is drugs actually feel really good, so after you spend all this time fear-mongering, the first time they try them they won't live up to all your hype. I can promise you that.

Very few drugs will be that dangerous the first time you try them. In fact, your tolerance is usually so low one hit of a joint, or one stem and cap of a shroom is enough to do the trick. Typically first time users won't ever get the chance to injest so much they do any perminant damage. So really their immediate reaction will be "man, pops don't know what he's talking about, this stuff is fine".

The real issues with drugs is the legality and the cost. They are lots of fun, and both that and chemical dependencies can make them addicting. That's really what you want to drive home. Not so much 'don't do drugs' as 'know what you're getting into'.

You have to be careful villifying drugs because that makes them enticing. Really you need to figure out why he's doing it. More than likely they'll be a fairly simple answer, and it won't be because he's personally trying to f*** with you.

Yeah, best to be honest about it.

No it won't kill you.

What it will do however, because it makes you feel so damn good is kill your motivation for anything else.

If all you need is weed to feel good, then its eventually all you do, and you waste valuable time in achieving what you want to accomplish and so it can keep you from realizing your dreams.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Anyway after a rush job of make up and digging out my 'pulling top' (never fails ), how do I look?

Cute as a button! I'd be honored to take you to see a flick!

I didn't really "villify" it though; hell, a lot of my family smokes weed; I was honest with him, he's old enough to understand that we will probably even smoke weed together at some point; what he won't do is disobey me in my own house though . . . that's the point here

And I tend to agree with the others, now that I know you tend to be a family of "partakers". There's an underlying reason why he's doing these things. He's smoking weed to either get away from something he finds painful, or to try and "fit in". And while you should enforce the rules in your house the way you see fit, you should also try and find out why he's acting out the way he is.

Its not gonna be easy, I don't envy you. Let us know how it goes.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I was right... he was dull. The date was dullsville.

The journey up there was a lot of effort to keep conversation flowing... and I don't usually have much trouble with people, especially not THAT much.

I had a bunch of back up topics for if conversation was stale, and we blew through them ALL in the first hour. I mean literally - reminiscing about when we were younger (we went to a few of the same parties when we were 15), College, Uni, Movies, Music, Religion, Travel, My family, His family, What we want in the future etc etc... and none of what he said was interesting at all.

He's into cars, he's into science, and he's a teaching assistant with a teaching qualification. He doesn't read books, he doesn't watch a lot of movies, he's not into any specific music... he had no stories from uni (I have tonnes, but didn't feel like he'd appreciate them ). He's been on one road trip around italy which sounded like two guys getting stoned in a car most of the time, and never met a girl while he was at uni...

... wonder why...

Anyway, we got to the pub and I played him at pool. I'm good at pool, he thought he was good at pool. I beat him three times and I could tell he was getting annoyed so I let him win the last one. I tried to make the games more fun by talking about 'put off' rules (where your allowed to put off the other played in any way you think is distracting i.e. bending over provocatively or hitting on the bum with your pool cue ), and he tried to join in with one feeble tab of my bottom... but the guys just not a natural flirt.

Saw the movie (great by the way) and he afterwards asked me if i'd been following that because he wasn't sure he understood most of it...

Now here comes the big moment when I realise that this is definitely not something I want to repeat again:

I lost my little black jacket. I took it off in the seat at the cinema, I looked around for it and I couldn't find it... but it was now midnight and he looked like he wanted to get out of there. No offer of 'oh, let me help you find it'... and I really couldn't see it so I just gave up for the sake of leaving...

But I LOVED that little black jacket.

And as we're driving home, now in silence which i'm trying to pretend is comfortable and just because we're both tired... I realise that the loss of that jacket was not worth the date.

I'd rather have not gone on that date and still have my jacket

The only point of conversation in the car was asking me what I was doing new year's (which i'm working), because his sisters boyfriend is having some party at a mansion with dj's a stuff. I'm assuming he wanted to ask me to it, but I couldn't go even if i'd wanted to.

So we get back to mine, and by this point i'm completely sure I don't want to kiss him goodnight, but thinking i'll probably have to. But no. He leans in, pecks me on the cheek, doesn't offer to walk me to my door and drives off.

But hey, here's hoping he didn't kiss me because he didn't think it went all that well either!

Then I don't have to find a nice way of saying 'No thanks' to a second date invitation.

CONCLUSION - I have GOT to stop dating people just because it seems like I shouldn't be so picky... I should always always go with my gut. Even if my gut means i'm single for a large portion of my life.

It's the smile and the eyes. I can tell, deep down, you've thought about doing bad things ...and maybe you have

Wouldn't you like to know

Cute as a button! I'd be honored to take you to see a flick!

Thanks

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Wouldn't you like to know

I prefer to learn from experience

Anyways. Love the story of woe and boredom. So much of this is exactly why 'Nice Guy' has so much trouble with what I would call Regular Girls. There are definitely 'Nice Girls' out there who someone like this would click with, but not many.

Favorite part to pick on is pool story. He's getting annoyed but you had to SEE it. He didn't tell you it was frustrating or use losing as an excuse to take the date somewhere he would enjoy. He just let you walk all over him like a loser and pretended everything was hunky doory.

I love how you say he tries to keep forcing conversation in the beginning. Classic mistake. He ends up having the conversation he thinks he requires rather than having an organic and natural conversation.

Let me take a stab in the dark. He never once said anything taboo or tried to push the envelope? He never raised a point of contention? Tried to be playful? Yay o Nay?