A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[AndThePickles]

Anita, I just have to pause to say that I am so proud of your own personal progress. I can remember back to the days when you were asking advice, and now look at how confident you are We're turning into advice twins, yay!

 

[Angel_Faerie]

If you can't say a definitive "yes," it's not worth worrying about. Not when you have someone you're dating in real life!




You are not to blame. You aren't obligated to tell ANYONE about your personal life. You haven't even met this guy in person!

Wanting to please others is natural, but there is a point where it negatively affects your own health and happiness. You have to find a balance and learn to recognize when it becomes an absurdity to try to please someone. You have to stay realistic.

I just feel so guilty. I know I mean a lot to Ian. And he does mean a lot to me too, though most likely not in the same respect. As I mentioned, he is one of my closest friends. I'm one of the few people he trusts completely. And I feel like I abused that trust.

I probably am not realistic sometimes in trying to keep others happy, but somewhere deep down I think it's because if I don't keep people happy, they'll go away. I have abandonment issues. But beyond that, making others happy does genuinely make me happy. That's why I love Christmas so much. I go overboard buying gifts because I get so excited to make those I care about happy through a gift. I love getting gifts too, but giving means more to me.

I think he would have felt the same whether you told him earlier or not. In fact, if you had told him all the sordid details, I'm sure he would have felt worse. Keeping that to yourself until a more opportune time is what anyone would have done.

I'm a people-pleaser myself, but some people WILL try to take advantage of it. You have to recognize when you're being nice and when you're being walked over by an ungrateful person. Not saying that Ian is one of those people, but if you give up your own happiness for a slim chance of making him happy, you'd only be using your own feet to walk over yourself.

I was actually going to tell him if/when Ephraim and I got more serious, so I wouldn't cause Ian any pain needlessly. And I never planned on getting into too much detail. But another friend of mine, Stefan, killed that. He told him. I'm still kind of upset with him for that.

I've sacrificed a lot to make others happy. For example, when my third online boyfriend, Shawn, and I were on the verge of getting together, his previous girlfriend (and my now-former best friend) Shelby tried to get back with him. To make her happy, and hoping he would be happy as well, I let him go with her. It hurt me a lot, but I was comforted by the thought that they were (hopefully) happy. The reconciliation didn't last, and Shawn and I eventually got together, but yeah.

 

[DV8]

I appreciate the advice everyone gave me on my issue . . . it seems like just yesterday I was a teenager, but the truth is that was a long time ago; I'm taking everyone's input and weighing out my own solution . . .

 

[SpideyVille]

Usually people who try to be people pleasers do it because they want to be liked. I know for me personally, I'm not a confrontational person so I'll let someone put me in a position of discomfort and not complain whereas most other people would speak out against it. It really is a sign of weakness and possibly low self esteem and confidence issues.

 

[Erzengel]

I just feel so guilty. I know I mean a lot to Ian. And he does mean a lot to me too, though most likely not in the same respect. As I mentioned, he is one of my closest friends. I'm one of the few people he trusts completely. And I feel like I abused that trust.

You really have to let go of some of these "online" relationships especially since in all likelihood a relationship is next to impossible. He was going to hitchhike a ride to come see you?

So what he'd see you 2 maybe 3 times a year?

ATP and Anita pretty much said it. You OWE this guy NOTHING. His happiness is not your responsibility and you shouldn't allow him to emotionally blackmail you.

You never even met him. I mean the relationship you have now is a relationship. It's you and other person spending time together. I'd really wouldn't try and appease him.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

You really have to let go of some of these "online" relationships especially since in all likelihood a relationship is next to impossible. He was going to hitchhike a ride to come see you?

So what he'd see you 2 maybe 3 times a year?

ATP and Anita pretty much said it. You OWE this guy NOTHING. His happiness is not your responsibility and you shouldn't allow him to emotionally blackmail you.

You never even met him. I mean the relationship you have now is a relationship. It's you and other person spending time together. I'd really wouldn't try and appease him.

No, it wouldn't be just periodical visits were I to choose him. His plan is/was to move here. Live here for good. Find a place to live with some help from me and try to start a life here and a relationship with me.

I feel like I owe him a lot. He's been there for me through some tough times, and vice versa.

 

[The Squirrel]

No, it wouldn't be just periodical visits were I to choose him. His plan is/was to move here. Live here for good. Find a place to live with some help from me and try to start a life here and a relationship with me.

I feel like I owe him a lot. He's been there for me through some tough times, and vice versa.

That's a good idea.... for a fairy tale. Happy Endings like that don't happen.

 

[SpideyVille]

No, it wouldn't be just periodical visits were I to choose him. His plan is/was to move here. Live here for good. Find a place to live with some help from me and try to start a life here and a relationship with me.

I feel like I owe him a lot. He's been there for me through some tough times, and vice versa.

The problem with this is what if it doesn't work out? Let's say you choose him and he moves out there, but then after a couple of months it doesn't work out. He'll be stuck out there with no one else to turn to.

Even worse, what if you want to break up but can't because you feel you "owe" him. then you're ruining your own life.

Like I said earlier, you can't give up something you have when you're not even fully certain of getting something else in return. And it seems like the feelings you have for him aren't even love, but more of pity and gratitude.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

If he did come here, and I ended up not choosing him, I'd still support him as best I could and would try and get him out and socializing in hopes that he'd move on.

 

[SpideyVille]

It sounds like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too, while trying to make sure everyone else is happy. But honestly, someone is bound to get hurt because you can never please everyone.

The choice is easy here but you seem to be over-thinking and over-complicating it for no reason. You can save yourself and others a lot of trouble.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

It sounds like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too, while trying to make sure everyone else is happy. But honestly, someone is bound to get hurt because you can never please everyone.

The choice is easy here but you seem to be over-thinking and over-complicating it for no reason. You can save yourself and others a lot of trouble.

I think that sums it up. I'm trying to please everyone and have my cake and eat it too.

I know someone will end up hurt in this situation. And it kills me. I hate hurting people. Especially people I care about, such as friends and family. When I broke up with Shawn (online boyfriend #3), the first time I had ever really broken up with someone (I'm usually the one being broken up with) I felt like the worst person in the world.

 

[Erzengel]

No, it wouldn't be just periodical visits were I to choose him. His plan is/was to move here. Live here for good. Find a place to live with some help from me and try to start a life here and a relationship with me.

I feel like I owe him a lot. He's been there for me through some tough times, and vice versa.

If he did come here, and I ended up not choosing him, I'd still support him as best I could and would try and get him out and socializing in hopes that he'd move on.

That's really sketchy. Already planning on moving somewhere when you haven't even met face to face?

I knew a girl who met someone in another country. They proceeded to visit each other and sometimes meet somewhere in the middle. And after 2 years, he moved to the States and they got married and had a child.

You haven't even met this guy AND he wants to already move to where you live? Squirrel is right. That's a fairy tale. And I'm not trying to be mean here, but it doesn't sound like he's in any position to make that decision, ESPECIALLY since he has to "hitch" a ride to come see you.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So again, it's not romantic relationship advice, but talking to my best friend tonight, apparently part of the beef my brother has is that he feels I haven't "grown" because I still receive financial help from my parents, while I am going to college. So apparently the belief is, since my parents still give me money - while I am going to college - I haven't grown as a person and that's part of the beef my brother has with me. When he moved me out here, he wanted me to grow (which I admittedly needed) and he feels I haven't grown as a person over the last 4 years.

I didn't ask for confirmation, but apparently my brother has been talking to my friend about the situation.

There was also something about the fact that I have something of a messy apartment as being a reflection on who I am as a person...

 

[Anubis]

So what's the problem? You wanna know how to show your brother you aren't a f**k up or do you wanna know how to tell him to take his opinions and shove it?

The former might simply be accomplished by getting your s**t together. The latter is as easy as a kick to the cherries.

 

[Anita18]

Anita, I just have to pause to say that I am so proud of your own personal progress. I can remember back to the days when you were asking advice, and now look at how confident you are We're turning into advice twins, yay!

Well I'm still the lone holdout when it comes to some things, but I'm definitely more confident now.

If he did come here, and I ended up not choosing him, I'd still support him as best I could and would try and get him out and socializing in hopes that he'd move on.

But how would that be easier if you were the real-life ex instead of merely the online what-if?

I think that sums it up. I'm trying to please everyone and have my cake and eat it too.

I know someone will end up hurt in this situation. And it kills me. I hate hurting people. Especially people I care about, such as friends and family. When I broke up with Shawn (online boyfriend #3), the first time I had ever really broken up with someone (I'm usually the one being broken up with) I felt like the worst person in the world.

Well the thing is, it's not your fault and you have to stop treating it as if it is. You can't MAKE someone happy. I've explicitly told my sister this, because her bf's mood swings can be very dramatic. She can try as hard as she might, but her doing everything she can won't make him happy if his mood's just depressed. He always comes around, but she still wishes she could break him out of them. But she can't, because he's his own person and only he can decide when he's gonna get out of his funk.

In addition, by trying to make everyone happy, you're babying them too. You gotta treat them like self-sustaining adults who are able to take care of themselves.

Also, if you give up Ephraim, you might as well say goodbye to him forever, even if Ian doesn't work out. It's very rare that someone accepts being the second choice. I mean, I knew that I wasn't my first bf's first choice, and I never forgot it. It probably added to my low self-esteem at the time. "He's only with me because he couldn't get the other girl." It does you no favors.

 

[twylight]

Angel, Your only mistake is not telling him to begin with. I think, if he's such a close friend as you make him out to be, that you should have broken the news to him yourself about dating this 'new' guy. It's crueler to him to find out via friends than it would have been had you just told him.

Past that, I agree with what everyone is saying. You can't let him make you feel guilty/bad about your choice.

 

[SpideyVille]

Also, if you give up Ephraim, you might as well say goodbye to him forever, even if Ian doesn't work out. It's very rare that someone accepts being the second choice. I mean, I knew that I wasn't my first bf's first choice, and I never forgot it. It probably added to my low self-esteem at the time. "He's only with me because he couldn't get the other girl." It does you no favors.

The irony here is that her boyfriend kinda did the same thing when he told her about how he was considering getting back with his ex. I think by telling Angel that, he was already implying who his first choice was.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Well, what's on my mind is someone that I cannot banish from it. Every waking moment I think of the man I know I've fallen in love with. All I want for Christmas other than complete normalcy is this single man I'm complete certain I'm in love with. He's the only gift worth more than all the gold in Fort Knox. All I can think of is just sitting on the floor next to him, just watching him as he's sleeping, putting my fingers through his hair and feeling the warmth of his skin against my fingertips. No material possession in the world could equal just having this man with me now and forever, regardless of his economic status. It's just complete torture to not have him here with me right now.

 

[Kane52630]

Nice fan fic.

 

[HisMagicTrick]

'...just watching him as he's sleeping' - that's not creepy at all

 

[SpideyVille]

LOL, that reminds me of one of the lines I had in my acting scene. My character is in love with a girl and says all he wanted to do that night was "hold her hand and smell her hair." I had no idea what to do with that line without sounding weird and creepy.

 

[Hound55]

Well, what's on my mind is someone that I cannot banish from it. Every waking moment I think of the man I know I've fallen in love with. All I want for Christmas other than complete normalcy is this single man I'm complete certain I'm in love with. He's the only gift worth more than all the gold in Fort Knox. All I can think of is just sitting on the floor next to him, just watching him as he's sleeping, putting my fingers through his hair and feeling the warmth of his skin against my fingertips. No material possession in the world could equal just having this man with me now and forever, regardless of his economic status. It's just complete torture to not have him here with me right now.

I'm sorry. I'm already with someone.

And please stop touching me when I sleep.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So what's the problem? You wanna know how to show your brother you aren't a f**k up or do you wanna know how to tell him to take his opinions and shove it?

The former might simply be accomplished by getting your s**t together. The latter is as easy as a kick to the cherries.

I guess venting?

I'd say I have gotten my **** together... after hitting rock bottom, I decided to make some changes in my life, I went back to school, and I've been pretty successful in what I've been doing once I actually found some motivation.

I think I've decided not to even bother with my brother anymore. I don't even think he's worth my time and effort. I don't believe that his intentions for me were entirely noble, and I find him to be a more negative presence in my life than a positive one. It's a shame, that's my brother, and I would like to have a relationship with him and have him in my life, but I just can't allow it, not with the way he's been towards me the past couple years.

The worst part is that I'll lose out on seeing my nephews. I've been a big part of their lives, from just seeing them all the time, to coaching their little league teams over the years, and not being a part of that anymore is gonna be something I'll miss.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Angel, what others have said here about making others happy is true. You cannot make someone happy. Happiness comes from within. You can help that person find their own happiness, but you can't make them happy.

I say tell the Internet Guy that you've found someone who has helped you find your own happiness. A true friend would be happy and encourage you. A *****e will make it all about themselves.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I guess venting?

I'd say I have gotten my **** together... after hitting rock bottom, I decided to make some changes in my life, I went back to school, and I've been pretty successful in what I've been doing once I actually found some motivation.

I think I've decided not to even bother with my brother anymore. I don't even think he's worth my time and effort. I don't believe that his intentions for me were entirely noble, and I find him to be a more negative presence in my life than a positive one. It's a shame, that's my brother, and I would like to have a relationship with him and have him in my life, but I just can't allow it, not with the way he's been towards me the past couple years.

The worst part is that I'll lose out on seeing my nephews. I've been a big part of their lives, from just seeing them all the time, to coaching their little league teams over the years, and not being a part of that anymore is gonna be something I'll miss.

It sounds like you are cutting a large part of your life out, just because your brother is a bit moany.
Just let him rabble on, and counter him with the facts as you see them, and if he doesn't take that onboard, just ignore him, and take the same opinion on him that he does of you, ie he's just a moany git who has not grown past that stage, and can't see the truth in other people's life situations. That may not do any good practically, but it might psychologically, for you, and then you can get on with the positive things that you listed here.