A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

I was right... he was dull. The date was dullsville.

The journey up there was a lot of effort to keep conversation flowing... and I don't usually have much trouble with people, especially not THAT much.

I had a bunch of back up topics for if conversation was stale, and we blew through them ALL in the first hour. I mean literally - reminiscing about when we were younger (we went to a few of the same parties when we were 15), College, Uni, Movies, Music, Religion, Travel, My family, His family, What we want in the future etc etc... and none of what he said was interesting at all.

He's into cars, he's into science, and he's a teaching assistant with a teaching qualification. He doesn't read books, he doesn't watch a lot of movies, he's not into any specific music... he had no stories from uni (I have tonnes, but didn't feel like he'd appreciate them ). He's been on one road trip around italy which sounded like two guys getting stoned in a car most of the time, and never met a girl while he was at uni...

... wonder why...

Anyway, we got to the pub and I played him at pool. I'm good at pool, he thought he was good at pool. I beat him three times and I could tell he was getting annoyed so I let him win the last one. I tried to make the games more fun by talking about 'put off' rules (where your allowed to put off the other played in any way you think is distracting i.e. bending over provocatively or hitting on the bum with your pool cue ), and he tried to join in with one feeble tab of my bottom... but the guys just not a natural flirt.

Saw the movie (great by the way) and he afterwards asked me if i'd been following that because he wasn't sure he understood most of it...

Now here comes the big moment when I realise that this is definitely not something I want to repeat again:

I lost my little black jacket. I took it off in the seat at the cinema, I looked around for it and I couldn't find it... but it was now midnight and he looked like he wanted to get out of there. No offer of 'oh, let me help you find it'... and I really couldn't see it so I just gave up for the sake of leaving...

But I LOVED that little black jacket.

And as we're driving home, now in silence which i'm trying to pretend is comfortable and just because we're both tired... I realise that the loss of that jacket was not worth the date.

I'd rather have not gone on that date and still have my jacket

The only point of conversation in the car was asking me what I was doing new year's (which i'm working), because his sisters boyfriend is having some party at a mansion with dj's a stuff. I'm assuming he wanted to ask me to it, but I couldn't go even if i'd wanted to.

So we get back to mine, and by this point i'm completely sure I don't want to kiss him goodnight, but thinking i'll probably have to. But no. He leans in, pecks me on the cheek, doesn't offer to walk me to my door and drives off.

But hey, here's hoping he didn't kiss me because he didn't think it went all that well either!

Then I don't have to find a nice way of saying 'No thanks' to a second date invitation.

CONCLUSION - I have GOT to stop dating people just because it seems like I shouldn't be so picky... I should always always go with my gut. Even if my gut means i'm single for a large portion of my life.



Wouldn't you like to know



Thanks

Sorry to hear about that, maybe he is the type of guy that is only open when he is drunk? Aw you looked very nice for the date as well, shame it didnt go well. Cant believe he didnt help you look for your jacket or walk you to your door though, i'd think those things would be paramount. I wouldnt even think about NOT helping you find your jacket or walk you to your door, think those things go beyond shyness.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Sorry to hear about that, maybe he is the type of guy that is only open when he is drunk? Aw you looked very nice for the date as well, shame it didnt go well. Cant believe he didnt help you look for your jacket or walk you to your door though, i'd think those things would be paramount. I wouldnt even think about NOT helping you find your jacket or walk you to your door, think those things go beyond shyness.

Yeah, I didn't realise how *****ey he was being until everyone on here confirmed it...

Well I haven't messaged him thanking him for taking me out (do you think I should? Just as a courtesy?) And he's not messaged me either.

So hey, maybe the reason he didn't walk me to the door and go for a kiss goodnight is that he was put off by something I did!

Not that I'm the kind of person who is going to get paranoid about that. If someone THAT boring is not into me, that can only be a good thing.

I don't appeal to boring people

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

No courtesy. 'Nice Guys' will typically read into those things anyways.

 

[Hound55]

Send him a bill for your jacket.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

He'd probably send me a bill for the ticket and petrol then

I am going to ring the cinema and see if they've found it, and my mums boyfriend has offered to pick it up if they do. (The cinema is over 20 miles away, so that's really nice of him).

 

[LOBO3315a]

In his defense, he doesn't suck - I'm just awesome

Plus, did you not see where I said I bent over provocatively? The whole time I captained a pool team, I wore only low cut tops to games - it's like cheating, but no one can actually call you on it cause there are no rules on how low a girls top can be

MMMmmm Bewbs....

Uhh, I mean Pics or it didn't happen!

And sounds like you had a lousy time. Sorry to hear that. I mean, if a woman I'm on a date bends over in front of me, regardless of the situation, I'm gonna at least comment on it.

He should have helped you look for you jacket, and walking you to your door (Unless he got a cell phone call that was a life-threatening emergency to a loved one) should have walked you to your door.

What a *****e!

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Yeah, I didn't realise how *****ey he was being until everyone on here confirmed it...

Well I haven't messaged him thanking him for taking me out (do you think I should? Just as a courtesy?) And he's not messaged me either.

So hey, maybe the reason he didn't walk me to the door and go for a kiss goodnight is that he was put off by something I did!

Not that I'm the kind of person who is going to get paranoid about that. If someone THAT boring is not into me, that can only be a good thing.

I don't appeal to boring people

The courtesy thing is akward, you would just message him to be nice and courtious, he might read that as you wanting another date which I assume you dont want. You maybe better just thanking him next time you bump into him.

As for the jacket thing, yeah he was being *****ey, if it was me I wouldnt have left the cinema without either finding it or asking the staff to look for it and get in touch with you if they find it.

Also, in my view, not appealing to boring people is NEVER a bad thing t:.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, I didn't realise how *****ey he was being until everyone on here confirmed it...

Well I haven't messaged him thanking him for taking me out (do you think I should? Just as a courtesy?) And he's not messaged me either.

So hey, maybe the reason he didn't walk me to the door and go for a kiss goodnight is that he was put off by something I did!

Not that I'm the kind of person who is going to get paranoid about that. If someone THAT boring is not into me, that can only be a good thing.

I don't appeal to boring people

A boring guy would still have offered to look for your jacket or walked you home, yeesh! Sounds like you got a self-conscious *****e instead, if he was THAT flustered you beat him at pool.

 

[twylight]

Re: hopefulsuicide

I would not have left the Theatre without my jacket. I honestly would have made him never want to ask me out again. If he got belligerent with me about leaving I would have replied in kind.

I like a girl that can handle her own , especially in a nerf gun fight , but not if she can kick my ass. Well if she can , at least keep that between us.

Yes! I would one day marry the girl who shot me with a nerf gun on our first date.

I was invited back to my old job to see the students put on a Christmas play. It was great and everything, a real joy to see the kids again. It got kind of awkward though when my ex showed up. She came up and gave me a hug and was like "It's been a long time." I said "Yes, it has..." Then went right back to talking with the kids. She stood there awkwardly for a minute before moving on.

Wolf, you don't count I already knew you were super cool.

Vengeance is sweet.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Good Lord do I have a lot to talk about.

Ok, so I got to meet most of Ephraim's family yesterday. We went to a hot springs (I know, we're crazy doing that in December in Idaho). I wore my bikini, because I couldn't find my less revealing swimming suit. I tore my house apart looking for it, but alas, to no avail. He complimented me on how I looked in it. We gave each other massages (he's a master! Best massage ever!), cuddled again, and I got along pretty well with his family. And, he said and I quote, "I wouldn't introduce you to my family if I didn't like you." Overall a good night. Oh, and he also invited me to his family's Christmas Eve get-together, where we'll exchange gifts.

But, there is drama. I have this friend that I talk to online, Ian. Known him for years. He's one of my closest friends. I've known for quite a while that he has feelings for me, which is why I had been keeping Ephraim and I a secret - to avoid hurting him. But, another one of my friends spilled the beans. And **** hit the fan. He's super depressed and hurt, and I have no idea what to do. I feel like a massive *****. He's been talking about moving here for quite a while. In fact, he's been talking to a trucker friend of his about hitching a ride here. That's the most active anyone I've met online has been about coming to where I live. All 3 of my online boyfriends said they'd come here, but in the end they never did. And it's not like I'm completely opposed to giving things a shot were he to move here, but Ephraim's in the picture and I don't want to hurt him either. But I know I've got a decision to make. Do I turn Ian down, causing him a whole lot of pain, and go with Ephraim? Or do I break things off with Ephraim, which would probably hurt him a lot, and wait for Ian to come here?

I told Ephraim about all this, and he actually seemed a little worried and jealous. Not like, massive Angel-style freakout worried, but worried nonetheless. So were I to choose him, maybe this would show him I have other options and cause him to be a little more active with things. But I don't know. All I know is that I'm stressed out.

 

[Anita18]

Good Lord do I have a lot to talk about.

Ok, so I got to meet most of Ephraim's family yesterday. We went to a hot springs (I know, we're crazy doing that in December in Idaho). I wore my bikini, because I couldn't find my less revealing swimming suit. I tore my house apart looking for it, but alas, to no avail. He complimented me on how I looked in it. We gave each other massages (he's a master! Best massage ever!), cuddled again, and I got along pretty well with his family. And, he said and I quote, "I wouldn't introduce you to my family if I didn't like you." Overall a good night. Oh, and he also invited me to his family's Christmas Eve get-together, where we'll exchange gifts.

But, there is drama. I have this friend that I talk to online, Ian. Known him for years. He's one of my closest friends. I've known for quite a while that he has feelings for me, which is why I had been keeping Ephraim and I a secret - to avoid hurting him. But, another one of my friends spilled the beans. And **** hit the fan. He's super depressed and hurt, and I have no idea what to do. I feel like a massive *****. He's been talking about moving here for quite a while. In fact, he's been talking to a trucker friend of his about hitching a ride here. That's the most active anyone I've met online has been about coming to where I live. All 3 of my online boyfriends said they'd come here, but in the end they never did. And it's not like I'm completely opposed to giving things a shot were he to move here, but Ephraim's in the picture and I don't want to hurt him either. But I know I've got a decision to make. Do I turn Ian down, causing him a whole lot of pain, and go with Ephraim? Or do I break things off with Ephraim, which would probably hurt him a lot, and wait for Ian to come here?

I told Ephraim about all this, and he actually seemed a little worried and jealous. Not like, massive Angel-style freakout worried, but worried nonetheless. So were I to choose him, maybe this would show him I have other options and cause him to be a little more active with things. But I don't know. All I know is that I'm stressed out.

If Ian really had that strong feelings for you, he would have done more to see you in the years you've known him. Harsh, but it's true. You can't wait on someone you've never met.

Personal experience - someone you can have a lot of chemistry with online, it can feel EXTREMELY different when you meet them in person. My friend loved to flirt with a friend she mostly knew online. But she sees him in person and is reminded why she isn't in a relationship with him. He's only good in "once a year in person" kind of dose.

So don't give up what you have now on a slim chance. Ian might be upset, but he's not physically with you right now. The kind of pain you'd feel, it's your choice to feel or not. He's not giving you drama in person, which is A LOT harder to deal with.

 

[SpideyVille]

I wouldn't drop something that I have for something that I might get. There's no guarantee that this other guy will actually be able to show up so don't put too much stock in that as a viable option.

Also, how he feels about you and your current situation is not your problem. As someone who has been on that side for most of my life, I've realized that you can't and shouldn't blame someone else for moving on with their life. Its very selfish because by letting them know you're unhappy, it could make them unhappy which is the opposite of what you would want them to feel if you truly cared about them. So don't feel bad for him because in the end you might end up ruining something good just to please this other guy.

Personal experience - someone you can have a lot of chemistry with online, it can feel EXTREMELY different when you meet them in person.

And with my personal experience, I can back this up. The first girl I liked in college would stay up all night to talk to me online. We even pulled a few all nighters where we would chat til 6am and see the sun rise. Those were some of my best nights because I felt like we really connected and it showed me how we were perfect for each other. But in person, it just wasn't the same. She even mentioned to me once that its like I was two different people. In person I was pretty stiff and quiet, where as I was much more animated, talkative and funny online.

And personally, online I can get along really well with just about anyone, which is why I'd prefer to meet someone in person as opposed through some dating website. I know it has worked for a ton of people, but I still want to find someone I can have chemistry with in person first because that is the most important part really.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

You guys are probably right, but I don't want to completely crush his hopes and dreams. I'm pretty much all he has. Some days I'm all that can keep him going.

 

[The Squirrel]

That's a load of crap. And you don't need that pressure. Tell him to man up and grow a pair.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well that's his problem. I mean seriously, your only reason for not being together with him is because you have a boyfriend. It's not like you did or said something to hurt him. Heck, I've been hurt by more personal forms of rejection, but at the end of the day, I had to learn to pick myself up. You can't always expect to be there for him because you have your own life to live and that's supposed to come first for you.

 

[Anita18]

I wouldn't drop something that I have for something that I might get. There's no guarantee that this other guy will actually be able to show up so don't put too much stock in that as a viable option.

Also, how he feels about you and your current situation is not your problem. As someone who has been on that side for most of my life, I've realized that you can't and shouldn't blame someone else for moving on with their life. Its very selfish because by letting them know you're unhappy, it could make them unhappy which is the opposite of what you would want them to feel if you truly cared about them. So don't feel bad for him because in the end you might end up ruining something good just to please this other guy.

I agree. If he truly cared about you, he'd be happy for you. He might be disappointed, but giving up something good that you have might be the opposite of what he actually wants. It's natural to initially feel disappointed that someone you're crushing on is dating someone else, but a good friend would be happy instead of being selfish and thinking, "This person should only be with me."

You guys are probably right, but I don't want to completely crush his hopes and dreams. I'm pretty much all he has. Some days I'm all that can keep him going.

Then concentrate on being his friend. If you add a romance to his life, you very well could be stressing him some more. He should take care of himself first, and you can be there to help him.

 

[AndThePickles]

You guys are probably right, but I don't want to completely crush his hopes and dreams. I'm pretty much all he has. Some days I'm all that can keep him going.

I don't say this as an offensive statement to you, but that's complete bull. And anyone who tries to convince you of that is being a selfish prick for trying to guilt you into doing what they want. It's a classic manipulative tactic. He's taking advantage of the fact that you're a sweet girl.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I agree. If he truly cared about you, he'd be happy for you. He might be disappointed, but giving up something good that you have might be the opposite of what he actually wants. It's natural to initially feel disappointed that someone you're crushing on is dating someone else, but a good friend would be happy instead of being selfish and thinking, "This person should only be with me."


Then concentrate on being his friend. If you add a romance to his life, you very well could be stressing him some more. He should take care of himself first, and you can be there to help him.

All I know is that I feel like an awful person for causing someone whom I care about a lot of pain. And I don't know how to make him feel better. I mean, I know one way, but other than that I have zero clue what I can do.

I don't say this as an offensive statement to you, but that's complete bull. And anyone who tries to convince you of that is being a selfish prick for trying to guilt you into doing what they want. It's a classic manipulative tactic. He's taking advantage of the fact that you're a sweet girl.

He might be, I don't know. We've never met in person.

 

[SpideyVille]

I agree. If he truly cared about you, he'd be happy for you. He might be disappointed, but giving up something good that you have might be the opposite of what he actually wants. It's natural to initially feel disappointed that someone you're crushing on is dating someone else, but a good friend would be happy instead of being selfish and thinking, "This person should only be with me."

Yeah, I used to feel that way when I was younger and its really a stupid way of thinking, and also borderline hopeless and obsessive.

Then concentrate on being his friend. If you add a romance to his life, you very well could be stressing him some more. He should take care of himself first, and you can be there to help him.

This could be tricky though. The girl I mentioned knew I liked her at first and I was surprised that she still talked to me. I eventually moved on but then after we started talking again, I fell for her again. I used the friendship to try to further my attempts to make her like me and to see that I was a better guy than some of the others that were after her.

I'm not saying she should cut him out completely, but still keep him at a distance.

I don't say this as an offensive statement to you, but that's complete bull. And anyone who tries to convince you of that is being a selfish prick for trying to guilt you into doing what they want. It's a classic manipulative tactic. He's taking advantage of the fact that you're a sweet girl.

Yeah, I remember trying to use that tactic when I was younger. Very risky because if the girl doesn't buy it, you come off as a big ***** and will immediately be looked down upon.

 

[AndThePickles]

All I know is that I feel like an awful person for causing someone whom I care about a lot of pain. And I don't know how to make him feel better. I mean, I know one way, but other than that I have zero clue what I can do.

There isn't anything you can do, nor is it your responsibility. And I definitely don't think that you should wait around for this person...if you don't want to date him, it may be best to cut all ties. I don't recommend just "staying friends." That ends up causing a lot more pain in the end.

 

[Anita18]

All I know is that I feel like an awful person for causing someone whom I care about a lot of pain. And I don't know how to make him feel better. I mean, I know one way, but other than that I have zero clue what I can do.

It's not your fault, and you shouldn't feel like an awful person.

There will be times in your life where people will want to make things seem like it's your fault. This will happen in relationships, in family, at work, even just walking around. You have to know when you're actually responsible, and when you're not. I'm a very nice and accommodating person, and people have tried to take advantage of that by making me responsible for things that I know are not my fault. But I know where my jurisdiction ends, as it were.

You're never responsible for the way someone feels. That's on them. They choose to feel that way. You can apologize that they feel that way if it makes you feel better (which is what I've done before, just to clear the air - I don't want to be a hardheaded beeyotch that holds grudges), but bending to everyone's wishes just means that you'll only concentrate on what makes everyone else happy but you.

Yeah, I used to feel that way when I was younger and its really a stupid way of thinking, and also borderline hopeless and obsessive.

It is EXTREMELY selfish, and borderline controlling.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

There isn't anything you can do, nor is it your responsibility. And I definitely don't think that you should wait around for this person...if you don't want to date him, it may be best to cut all ties. I don't recommend just "staying friends." That ends up causing a lot more pain in the end.

I've never been quite sure what my feelings are when it comes to him. So that doesn't help. I think I could have those feelings, but I don't know.

It's not your fault, and you shouldn't feel like an awful person.

There will be times in your life where people will want to make things seem like it's your fault. This will happen in relationships, in family, at work, even just walking around. You have to know when you're actually responsible, and when you're not. I'm a very nice and accommodating person, and people have tried to take advantage of that by making me responsible for things that I know are not my fault. But I know where my jurisdiction ends, as it were.

You're never responsible for the way someone feels. That's on them. They choose to feel that way. You can apologize that they feel that way if it makes you feel better (which is what I've done before, just to clear the air - I don't want to be a hardheaded beeyotch that holds grudges), but bending to everyone's wishes just means that you'll only concentrate on what makes everyone else happy but you.

But isn't it my fault? I kept Ephraim a secret. And I fudged details when Ian would ask me what was up and I was Ephraim. I tried to avoid outright lying, though. I mean, I can't be blamed for how he feels, but aren't I to blame for being the reason he feels the way he does?

I've always put other people's happiness above my own. Making others happy makes me happy. It's caused me some problems, but it's just who I am. I'm a people-pleaser.

 

[SpideyVille]

I've never been quite sure what my feelings are when it comes to him. So that doesn't help. I think I could have those feelings, but I don't know.



But isn't it my fault? I kept Ephraim a secret. And I fudged details when Ian would ask me what was up and I was Ephraim. I tried to avoid outright lying, though. I mean, I can't be blamed for how he feels, but aren't I to blame for being the reason he feels the way he does?

I've always put other people's happiness above my own. Making others happy makes me happy. It's caused me some problems, but it's just who I am. I'm a people-pleaser.

So consider this an opportunity to fix that about yourself.

 

[AndThePickles]

I've never been quite sure what my feelings are when it comes to him. So that doesn't help. I think I could have those feelings, but I don't know.

If you can't say a definitive "yes," it's not worth worrying about. Not when you have someone you're dating in real life!

But isn't it my fault? I kept Ephraim a secret. And I fudged details when Ian would ask me what was up and I was Ephraim. I tried to avoid outright lying, though. I mean, I can't be blamed for how he feels, but aren't I to blame for being the reason he feels the way he does?

I've always put other people's happiness above my own. Making others happy makes me happy. It's caused me some problems, but it's just who I am. I'm a people-pleaser.

You are not to blame. You aren't obligated to tell ANYONE about your personal life. You haven't even met this guy in person!

Wanting to please others is natural, but there is a point where it negatively affects your own health and happiness. You have to find a balance and learn to recognize when it becomes an absurdity to try to please someone. You have to stay realistic.

 

[Anita18]

But isn't it my fault? I kept Ephraim a secret. And I fudged details when Ian would ask me what was up and I was Ephraim. I tried to avoid outright lying, though. I mean, I can't be blamed for how he feels, but aren't I to blame for being the reason he feels the way he does?

I've always put other people's happiness above my own. Making others happy makes me happy. It's caused me some problems, but it's just who I am. I'm a people-pleaser.

I think he would have felt the same whether you told him earlier or not. In fact, if you had told him all the sordid details, I'm sure he would have felt worse. Keeping that to yourself until a more opportune time is what anyone would have done.

I'm a people-pleaser myself, but some people WILL try to take advantage of it. You have to recognize when you're being nice and when you're being walked over by an ungrateful person. Not saying that Ian is one of those people, but if you give up your own happiness for a slim chance of making him happy, you'd only be using your own feet to walk over yourself.