A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Sorry to hear that bro. That sucks.

My brother told me he was cutting me out of his life via text message. Some people are just too big of cowards to face their situations face to face.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

my girlfriend broke up with me today via text message

is it just me or is that tremendously f***ed up

Yeah, it's definitely the wrong way, but it's ridiculously common. I heard some statistic that said the majority of relationships including partners under the age of 20 converse far more in text than they do by voice. It's kind of scary. My kid's never going to have a cell. Not till he gets a job and can pay all his bills and earn at least a B average. But first he's got to fertilize an egg.

 

[Boy Scout]

my girlfriend broke up with me today via text message

is it just me or is that tremendously f***ed up

Uh, yeah, that is very ****ed up. Sorry, bro.

 

[Hawkingbird]

Anybody who breaks up via text is a person who is not somebody that should be too bad to loose.
Well, I kissed the guy I'm crazy for in spin the bottle. But he's still gaga over girl 1. It's eating me up, words can't describe it. It can't be love, as I am only 15 and not yet experienced enough even to touch on love. Yet, I am just unbelievably crazy for him. He's charming, good looking, charasmastic, funny, brilliantly clever and has SUCH a good heart. I hate him for making me feel like this.
Oh well, all things must pass.

 

[Boy Scout]

Just because he's still "gaga" over "girl number one" now doesn't mean that he will be later. Just give it some time, but be sure to keep your options open. Don't limit yourself to just this one guy until you have a real chance of getting with him, and even then, keep everyone else in your peripherals.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I think that three things are the most important to start a healthy and believable relationship, and I hope I'm not generalising something as incredible as human connection with numbered ideas. But here's what I think they are: being mutual on sexual attraction, emotional character, and intellectual idea. Unfortunately, it's the one in the middle that tends to not work most of the time. And for the girls who weren't mutual with me, the first. The other bits, such as social acceptance... or past relationships etc. they... all tend to not matter to be honest. I don't know. They just don't. Not if these three aspects seem to work. Maybe I'm still naive.

Oh and love. That has to be mutual. I guess expressing it to its fullest is the dilemma of our time.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

You'll have to forgive me if this post is larger than usual. I'm aching here. I need the room to do so, and would be glad if you guys take the time to go through it.

There's this girl who's... um... interrupted my world... to the point of madness. And deja-vu seems to be an understatement right now. I fear I'm stricken... again.

I met her in class a year ago and it was probably on otherwise normal conditions. We both shared a mutual 'hate' at least towards our course but for some reason decided to stick with it. None of our friends were in the same course so it was nice to make new friends in each other. It didn't hurt, for me at least, that she was perhaps the most stunningly beautiful girl around. Or... the fact that she reminded me a LOT (and I mean A LOT) of the first girl I had ever fallen in love with. I took that last fact as a bit of a caution for myself, and promised that I'd never, ever let anything like that happen. It wouldn't be fair to my new 'friend'. We got along really well, and there was that sense of maturity you don't normally get with most friends -- a sort of mutual "we'll never go there" but openness on all things emotional. Late-night texts weren't all that uncommon either, but I always tried to stop my heart from going back to whatever place it goes to when it's smitten.

Call me an ass but I think that unconsciously somethings did seep through. She never minded it, at all. Our interaction came to the point where we'd actually wait for the other to show up for lunch and such, even when our other friends were around. It was this unannounced norm that the days we had classes together were days we'd be hanging out, nothing else mattered.

That semester came to a close, and I was the one who suggested that take up more courses together again. She said of course. As though it was ridiculous of me to ask. Again, nothing serious, nothing purely romantic, or purely platonic. A flirtation? If it was it was the most introverted one you might imagine. She even baked brownies and I devoted a poem to her. But no official 'dates', no real 'kisses', a big blunt of nothingness that meant the world to us. It was a connection, yes, but even my best friend's a girl and it... never "felt" like a platonic friendship or BFFs or what you. Though I kept lying to myself that it's what I wanted. We often hung out with our other friends together and at least mine were telling me to stop denying what was there. I shrugged it off.

More semesters continued this way, and at least near the last few months I started to weaken my resolve, and while I again didn't say anything all out, those 'unconscious' statements about togetherness began to be a little bit more conscious from my part. And I hated the idea of ruining any true bond that I have with her, but I did go there anyway. Ambiguity with intention. The worst kind.

She, of course, probably picked up on it and chose not to respond... for a week. So I wrote her back. This time without any of that poetic boredom. I never got a response. I sent her a message on FB, knowing that maybe her phone's off or something (it tends to happen, she recently moved in with her older brother and her nephew's really fond of her phone ? :S ) But again, no response. I saw her online last night but didn't try to talk. I fear I might have offended her in some way and I don't want that. I don't want to lose... another good friend... I don't want to lose the mutual bond we had, platonic or otherwise. I've had already lost a really good friend in the girl I had loved after I told her this. It's wrong. Maybe I'm not MEANT to be conscious about my feelings towards women, at least not when they're in any way romantic. Maybe all that un-uttered attraction was some crazy fiction I cooked up to humour myself. Because at the end of the day, I value her more as an individual than anything else.

I have this really, really bad social voice... the people around me, especially on campus, tend to be shadows. But she... she EXISTS. She EXISTS in my solipsistic world and apart from any other woman I've known. I'm fooling myself again - I'm hurting myself once again. She hasn't responded yet, and with teh year coming to a close I've just realised that the only thing on my mind for the past week has been her voice. Y'know, the one I haven't heard yet. And that ticker of mine is starting to hurt.

Should I move on? Should I just wait and let her decide? Should I really just tell myself to stop trying to love when what is expected is friendship.

Thanks for reading guys.

 

[Erzengel]

I think that three things are the most important to start a healthy and believable relationship, and I hope I'm not generalising something as incredible as human connection with numbered ideas. But here's what I think they are: being mutual on sexual attraction, emotional character, and intellectual idea. Unfortunately, it's the one in the middle that tends to not work most of the time. And for the girls who weren't mutual with me, the first. The other bits, such as social acceptance... or past relationships etc. they... all tend to not matter to be honest. I don't know. They just don't. Not if these three aspects seem to work. Maybe I'm still naive.

Oh and love. That has to be mutual. I guess expressing it to its fullest is the dilemma of our time.

Actually probably the most 3 important things in a relationship are trust, communication and intimacy.

 

[Erzengel]

Also, dude move on. If you were "good friends" for a few semesters and all of a sudden she's distant and doesn't respond to any communication? Doesn't sound like she's much of a friend or maybe she does sense you have feelings for her and is backing away.

If you need verbal confirmation of how she truly feels then by all means, keep pressing. But her silence should speak volumes.

I'd move on. But if she does respond, I don't think it's a good idea to "settle" for a platonic relationship when it's obvious you want more.

Go out, meet other people. At least be honest with yourself.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

You'll have to forgive me if this post is larger than usual. I'm aching here. I need the room to do so, and would be glad if you guys take the time to go through it.

There's this girl who's... um... interrupted my world... to the point of madness. And deja-vu seems to be an understatement right now. I fear I'm stricken... again.

I met her in class a year ago and it was probably on otherwise normal conditions. We both shared a mutual 'hate' at least towards our course but for some reason decided to stick with it. None of our friends were in the same course so it was nice to make new friends in each other. It didn't hurt, for me at least, that she was perhaps the most stunningly beautiful girl around. Or... the fact that she reminded me a LOT (and I mean A LOT) of the first girl I had ever fallen in love with. I took that last fact as a bit of a caution for myself, and promised that I'd never, ever let anything like that happen. It wouldn't be fair to my new 'friend'. We got along really well, and there was that sense of maturity you don't normally get with most friends -- a sort of mutual "we'll never go there" but openness on all things emotional. Late-night texts weren't all that uncommon either, but I always tried to stop my heart from going back to whatever place it goes to when it's smitten.

Call me an ass but I think that unconsciously somethings did seep through. She never minded it, at all. Our interaction came to the point where we'd actually wait for the other to show up for lunch and such, even when our other friends were around. It was this unannounced norm that the days we had classes together were days we'd be hanging out, nothing else mattered.

That semester came to a close, and I was the one who suggested that take up more courses together again. She said of course. As though it was ridiculous of me to ask. Again, nothing serious, nothing purely romantic, or purely platonic. A flirtation? If it was it was the most introverted one you might imagine. She even baked brownies and I devoted a poem to her. But no official 'dates', no real 'kisses', a big blunt of nothingness that meant the world to us. It was a connection, yes, but even my best friend's a girl and it... never "felt" like a platonic friendship or BFFs or what you. Though I kept lying to myself that it's what I wanted. We often hung out with our other friends together and at least mine were telling me to stop denying what was there. I shrugged it off.

More semesters continued this way, and at least near the last few months I started to weaken my resolve, and while I again didn't say anything all out, those 'unconscious' statements about togetherness began to be a little bit more conscious from my part. And I hated the idea of ruining any true bond that I have with her, but I did go there anyway. Ambiguity with intention. The worst kind.

She, of course, probably picked up on it and chose not to respond... for a week. So I wrote her back. This time without any of that poetic boredom. I never got a response. I sent her a message on FB, knowing that maybe her phone's off or something (it tends to happen, she recently moved in with her older brother and her nephew's really fond of her phone ? :S ) But again, no response. I saw her online last night but didn't try to talk. I fear I might have offended her in some way and I don't want that. I don't want to lose... another good friend... I don't want to lose the mutual bond we had, platonic or otherwise. I've had already lost a really good friend in the girl I had loved after I told her this. It's wrong. Maybe I'm not MEANT to be conscious about my feelings towards women, at least not when they're in any way romantic. Maybe all that un-uttered attraction was some crazy fiction I cooked up to humour myself. Because at the end of the day, I value her more as an individual than anything else.

I have this really, really bad social voice... the people around me, especially on campus, tend to be shadows. But she... she EXISTS. She EXISTS in my solipsistic world and apart from any other woman I've known. I'm fooling myself again - I'm hurting myself once again. She hasn't responded yet, and with teh year coming to a close I've just realised that the only thing on my mind for the past week has been her voice. Y'know, the one I haven't heard yet. And that ticker of mine is starting to hurt.

Should I move on? Should I just wait and let her decide? Should I really just tell myself to stop trying to love when what is expected is friendship.

Thanks for reading guys.

Wow, that's amazing. Of everything I've written in this thread you did the opposite.

 

[SpideyVille]

You'll have to forgive me if this post is larger than usual. I'm aching here. I need the room to do so, and would be glad if you guys take the time to go through it.

There's this girl who's... um... interrupted my world... to the point of madness. And deja-vu seems to be an understatement right now. I fear I'm stricken... again.


Thanks for reading guys.

I'm going to agree with evetrything Erz said because you'll really better off in the end if you just move on now and let her go.

I was really close friends with this one girl that knew I had a crush on her when I first met her. But after a year of slight separation, we became great friends much like you and this girl. We would stay up all night chatting online and we went to the museum and to a show together a couple of times and I tried not to let my feelings for her come back, but then did and after months of hiding it while also secretly hoping for her to realize that I was this great guy, it all ended when she found out I liked her. She became distant and it was even harder to talk to he after she got a boyfriend weeks later and eventually had a kid.

There was also the girl that I mentioned in the Texting thread. I met her very casually in class and wasn't expecting to fall for her. But after spending a tutoring session with her just talking about ourselves instead of teaching her algebra, I quickly started to think of her differently. She seemed perfect and we would talk every day for almost 2 months and I was pretty sure that she had feelings for me too. Then suddenly she stopped for whatever reason, and the few time we did speak, it was her telling me she was busy (which was bull because she made time for so many other people while I was still waiting). I ended up pushing that situation to the point where she got very made and said some hurtful things that really put me into a depression not just in terms of being in a relationship, but also a friendship.

I spent the following months angry sat her and after months of avoiding my calls, I finally ran into her and I realized she wasn't who I thought she was and all those feelings good and bad went away. But even then I tried to maintain that friendship for the past year until this past October when I realized there was something wrong with her since she wasn't responding to anything from me again. So I tricked her into meeting me at school because I needed "help" with something. I ended up telling her in a very nice way how much she hurt me and how I wasn't going to be friends with her anymore because she wasn't worth. It took me a year to do that and even though it felt great and was a load of relief, it shouldn't have gotten to that point.

Again, just let it go and move on. It won't be easy. It never is. But like Erz said, her silence is saying a lot more than you think. Yeah, it would be nice to have her actually tell you why she's acting like that, but with the girl in my case, I still haven't gotten a reason and its been a year and a half. So don't even bother waiting for an answer. It's her loss so don't feel down. Go live your life and enjoy it with people who actually want to be around you and will talk to you.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I think that three things are the most important to start a healthy and believable relationship, and I hope I'm not generalising something as incredible as human connection with numbered ideas. But here's what I think they are: being mutual on sexual attraction, emotional character, and intellectual idea. Unfortunately, it's the one in the middle that tends to not work most of the time. And for the girls who weren't mutual with me, the first. The other bits, such as social acceptance... or past relationships etc. they... all tend to not matter to be honest. I don't know. They just don't. Not if these three aspects seem to work. Maybe I'm still naive.

Oh and love. That has to be mutual. I guess expressing it to its fullest is the dilemma of our time.

Actually probably the most 3 important things in a relationship are trust, communication and intimacy.

Yeah, I really don't know what 'emotional character' or 'intellectual idea' even is??? I like Erzengel's list better. Intimacy and sexual attraction are linked, so I'll give you that one Nave.

So I don't know what you mean by 'emotional character', therefore I cannot understand why it doesn't work. Girls are emotional, but men can be too, and women connect with someone who shows their emotion generally, or rather those who communicate their emotions. I also don't really get the intellectual idea as I don't necessarily go after someone who thinks like me. I have a few sticking points very highly religious people. They won't work.

The second problem is real simple. One method would be to stop chasing women who aren't sexually attracted to you. The other is to stop acting like you only want a friendship, or something platonic when you don't. Especially if she is spending time with you. You should just throw something out there. Like something you two could do together, a date, a sex joke, idly comment on her appearance, ask her what "she's doing this weekend", c'mon man!

Also, we said it to Angel, don't contact people who aren't contacting you.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Should I move on? Should I just wait and let her decide? Should I really just tell myself to stop trying to love when what is expected is friendship.

I had two very similar experiences in college.

I was very good friends with two different girls. Hung out all the time, was each other's confidants, that whole drill, much like you described. Over time, I realized I developed feelings for Girl A, and felt like she did, too. But, out of the fear of ruining the friendship, I tried to ignore it. Flash forward quite some time and I realize that it will never happen, but I feel like I needed to admit to her there had been feelings so that I could move on. This ended up ruining our friendship.

Cut to Girl B. She and I had been friends for quite some time, and throughout the Girl A issue, we became even closer emotionally and physically (not sexually, but friendly cuddling, head massages, etc). Over time, I started to see Girl B in a romantic light, but due to the out come of Girl A, I definitely didn't want to mess anything up, which was a shame because we were so close that any new person who hung out with us always thought we were a couple. Cut to a year later, she and I both have had bfs/gfs come and go, and throughout it all, I can't help shake the feelings for Girl B. I eventually tell her the truth, and she freaks out. She has loved me for ever, but was terrified of ruining our friendship and never told me. 3 years worth of pent up sexual attraction = weekend long sex bender. We start dating and two years later we were engaged. She ended up leaving me for someone else a month before our wedding, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, you never know how things will happen, and you shouldn't waste time bemoaning your situation when you're too worried/afraid to do anything about it.

If you like someone, make a move. Otherwise you'll either just be wasting time with someone who isn't that good a friend (Girl A), or missing out on something good - while it lasts, anyway (Girl B). And if you encounter Girl A, then you need to just walk away. If she can't appreciate your honesty and friendship, than she doesn't deserve your time and emotional energy.

Sorry that it happened to you, but sometimes we need to make the wrong decisions so we can learn how important the right ones are. The cards are on her table. Any more attempts to call/email/text coming from you will just push her further away. If you really like her, respect her need to have some space and think. You'll be more likely to still have a friend after this if you don't smother her.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Actually probably the most 3 important things in a relationship are trust, communication and intimacy.

That's actually a better way to pin it down. I suppose you could equate intimacy with sexual attraction, trust with emotion, and communication with intellect. But yes, it's a much clearer expression.

Also, dude move on. If you were "good friends" for a few semesters and all of a sudden she's distant and doesn't respond to any communication? Doesn't sound like she's much of a friend or maybe she does sense you have feelings for her and is backing away.

If you need verbal confirmation of how she truly feels then by all means, keep pressing. But her silence should speak volumes.

I'd move on. But if she does respond, I don't think it's a good idea to "settle" for a platonic relationship when it's obvious you want more.

Go out, meet other people. At least be honest with yourself.

Thanks dude, appreciate this... a lot. I shouldn't want more though. It goes back to emotional character - especially when you encounter someone who's feeling the same way you are about the world, it's hard to understand that she doesn't feel the same way about you. At any rate, I agree, it's better to back off while not making a fool of myself.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Wow, that's amazing. Of everything I've written in this thread you did the opposite.

- to me. Heh.

Yeah, I really don't know what 'emotional character' or 'intellectual idea' even is??? I like Erzengel's list better. Intimacy and sexual attraction are linked, so I'll give you that one Nave.

So I don't know what you mean by 'emotional character', therefore I cannot understand why it doesn't work. Girls are emotional, but men can be too, and women connect with someone who shows their emotion generally, or rather those who communicate their emotions. I also don't really get the intellectual idea as I don't necessarily go after someone who thinks like me. I have a few sticking points very highly religious people. They won't work.

Yeah, Erzengel's list is much more clear than mine. I'll (try to) explain: I meant 'emotional character' as the kind of feelings you normally have, attitude, behavioral pattern, your dominant emotions as a person; by 'intellectual equal' I mean, obviously, as someone who is on the same level of intellect as you are. I can't imagine dating someone who is either so immature than I am that I cannot connect with her, or someone who is so much 'more mature' that it makes every conversation feel pedantic or patronizing. It can happen between people of the same age as well.

The second problem is real simple. One method would be to stop chasing women who aren't sexually attracted to you. The other is to stop acting like you only want a friendship, or something platonic when you don't. Especially if she is spending time with you. You should just throw something out there. Like something you two could do together, a date, a sex joke, idly comment on her appearance, ask her what "she's doing this weekend", c'mon man!

Also, we said it to Angel, don't contact people who aren't contacting you.

Thanks, really. I guess I should start by trying to be more social, especially with the New Years. The problem with this was that I wasn't consciously chasing her at all. I don't even know if she's attracted or not (though I'll consider 'not' as a big possibility right now). And as for the others - yeah, we did, more importantly SHE did as well. Jokes, appearance, all of it. It just never seemed like anything more than clean flirtation, like a sort of "I don't know where this is going, but it's fun", on both sides. Guess she figured out sooner.

Yes. Got it. No contacting. I'm good at that!

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I'm going to agree with evetrything Erz said because you'll really better off in the end if you just move on now and let her go.

I was really close friends with this one girl that knew I had a crush on her when I first met her. But after a year of slight separation, we became great friends much like you and this girl. We would stay up all night chatting online and we went to the museum and to a show together a couple of times and I tried not to let my feelings for her come back, but then did and after months of hiding it while also secretly hoping for her to realize that I was this great guy, it all ended when she found out I liked her. She became distant and it was even harder to talk to he after she got a boyfriend weeks later and eventually had a kid.

There was also the girl that I mentioned in the Texting thread. I met her very casually in class and wasn't expecting to fall for her. But after spending a tutoring session with her just talking about ourselves instead of teaching her algebra, I quickly started to think of her differently. She seemed perfect and we would talk every day for almost 2 months and I was pretty sure that she had feelings for me too. Then suddenly she stopped for whatever reason, and the few time we did speak, it was her telling me she was busy (which was bull because she made time for so many other people while I was still waiting). I ended up pushing that situation to the point where she got very made and said some hurtful things that really put me into a depression not just in terms of being in a relationship, but also a friendship.

I spent the following months angry sat her and after months of avoiding my calls, I finally ran into her and I realized she wasn't who I thought she was and all those feelings good and bad went away. But even then I tried to maintain that friendship for the past year until this past October when I realized there was something wrong with her since she wasn't responding to anything from me again. So I tricked her into meeting me at school because I needed "help" with something. I ended up telling her in a very nice way how much she hurt me and how I wasn't going to be friends with her anymore because she wasn't worth. It took me a year to do that and even though it felt great and was a load of relief, it shouldn't have gotten to that point.

Again, just let it go and move on. It won't be easy. It never is. But like Erz said, her silence is saying a lot more than you think. Yeah, it would be nice to have her actually tell you why she's acting like that, but with the girl in my case, I still haven't gotten a reason and its been a year and a half. So don't even bother waiting for an answer. It's her loss so don't feel down. Go live your life and enjoy it with people who actually want to be around you and will talk to you.

For me the second example is a lot more relatable. Just haven't done anything to let her be completely mad or anything like that. Hell, I'm already feeling wayy too down as it is so I'd prefer some distance anyway. I never wanted to fall for her like this. Especially since she reminded me a lot about my ex. I... really... shouldn't be feeling this way again. It's unproductive and self-reproaching. It's terrible.

Thanks for sharing your stories mate. Really, really appreciate it.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I had two very similar experiences in college.

[...] Sorry that it happened to you, but sometimes we need to make the wrong decisions so we can learn how important the right ones are. The cards are on her table. Any more attempts to call/email/text coming from you will just push her further away. If you really like her, respect her need to have some space and think. You'll be more likely to still have a friend after this if you don't smother her.

Thanks SW. I think I'll do just that. I really wouldn't mind if we end up staying just friends. I just need this overwhelming feeling of anxiety to end. And i can wait. I can do that.

Reading your experience, it reminds me a lot of Girl A, to be honest. And I actually know someone who's a lot like Girl B (and she's been with me throughout all this madness). Really saddened to hear that she left so close to your commitment. But I guess you're right. We need to be a lot more mature than any of this.

A lot more.

 

[SpideyVille]

For me the second example is a lot more relatable. Just haven't done anything to let her be completely mad or anything like that. Hell, I'm already feeling wayy too down as it is so I'd prefer some distance anyway. I never wanted to fall for her like this. Especially since she reminded me a lot about my ex. I... really... shouldn't be feeling this way again. It's unproductive and self-reproaching. It's terrible.

Thanks for sharing your stories mate. Really, really appreciate it.

No problem, and yeah there was more to that the story. Like I was already depressed about the last girl which was 6 months before I me the second girl, so I wasn't really looking for anyone at the time. But then we clicked so well that I started considering it even though she wasn't really my "type". But she was very supportive of me and made me feel like I could do anything, which was why I fought so hard to keep her in my life one way or another. And I knew her responses so well, like I could tell when something was wrong just by how she would respond and I was always spot on, which I think might've scared her a bit because I knew when she was covering something up. My biggest suspicion was that she had hooked up wit her ex again and was just using me as a rebound during that time.

After we had stopped talking the first time, I didn't even care if she liked me back or not, I just wanted to hear from her and to see her. But she made it so hard with her distance. The funny thing is there was a point during that time where she had finally messaged me back after two weeks and I decided not to reply for about a week and she thought something was wrong. Of course I told her I would make time for her if I was busy, but she got very defensive and said she needed her space, which I could understand, but I knew it was something more personal going on because I was the only one she was really avoiding.

Sadly enough, after that happened, I went through a really depressing time where I just wanted to be on my own because she really said some things that made me feel like I had a lot of problems, so I wanted to work on them on my own and I ended up losing a lot of friends by acting the same way. I still haven't repaired many of those friendships but I moved on and even though it took a long time, I'm finally happy again on my own. That is probably one of the few time where its hard to laugh at the past because the scars are still there, and while I don't care for her anymore in any way, I still wish that things would have ended differently, at least in term s of how I dealt with it. Had I let go sooner and moved, I think I would not have fallen as deep in a hole as I did.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I think... to some extent. Certain scars will always be there. There's nothing we can do about them but accept them for what they were.

I'm glad to hear that you managed to move on. Relationships were never my priority, it's when they start making you depressed, as you've described, when you "fall into the deep hole(s)" when things get messy. I've been there before, with my ex, and I don't want that happening to me again. I'd like to think that I grew up after that, that I'd had matured because of it. Anyway...

I think I understand why everyone prefers pure, emotionless, professionalism in everything. It's effective and more controllable. Emotions are not. I'm beginning to hate that fact.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, I don't really like to say I regret anything because I did learn some valuable lesson, albeit the hard way. With this girl, I ended up ignoring her for a long while until recently and then she was flaky on me again. But when I tried to reach out to her, it reminded me of exactly how I felt last year, which was why I told her I couldn't be friends anymore with her, because she honestly wasn't being a friend. I also reached out to the other girl I mentioned before because that was another case that hurt not because of the rejection, but because I considered her my best friend and she just dropped me like I didn't matter.

But the big reason I decided to reach out to them both was because a friend of mine was going to set me up with what sounded like an awesome girl, and I wanted to make sure to find closure with those past issues because I didn't want it coming up in the future and making me act a certain way. Plus, I was more confident in myself and stopped blaming myself for what happened or how things turned out.

But I will admit, I was much more of a hopeless romantic back then and have seemingly lost some of that spark. But at the same time it taught me to choose who I go after more wisely. Like I decided to be just friends with this one girl and now she's the closest friend I have and even though I think about what would happen if we hooked up, I don't let that idea linger too long because it would end badly, especially since we're so different. That's why its important to look at the bigger picture, that even though you feel hurt now, the experience will help you out somewhere else down the line and will make something work the way it didn't work out now.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm just concerned with your resignation with just being her friend.

Why?

Especially when she seems to be the most important woman in your life. You really can't be a real friend to her if you are harboring feelings.

You really need to meet other girls and if you still "miss her friendship", then maybe then you can be a better friend.

 

[DV8]

OMG!!! He kissed me!! And we're official! He's a sneaky bastard. He gave me my gift (a beautiful butterfly necklace) and a card and told me not to open it until he said so. We went to the waterfall on the edge of town and he told me to open the card. It basically said "Merry Christmas, thank you for being so patient with me, and I've decided I'm yours as long as you'll have me" and once I finished reading it, he kissed me!

I'm glad it finally happened and that HE finally made the move . . . also, he's not gay #Awesome

 

[SpideyVille]

Well when I met her a year ago, I wasn't really looking to be anything with anyone because I was so down on myself. I met her through a friend and we ended up having another class together afterwards. At the time she had a boyfriend and she seemed like the type of girl that I always tried to avoid, the "street" kind that only go after guys that try to be tough. And of course, that is not me, nor will it ever be so I ended up friend-zoning myself.

But somehow even though we are complete opposites, we became friends, especially during this past semester. But now she doesn't have a boyfriend, and is seeing like 5 other guys, which she talks to me about sometimes. So it doesn't seem worth it to try anything at this point, especially since I know she doesn't see me that way. The most I ever see happening is some random drunken hook-up with her, but that's not even what I would want so I just settle for having fun in other ways.

And of course, I'm not sitting around waiting for her and have been looking for other options. But I would say that the biggest quality that I like in her is that she's been very supportive of me and actually shows a true concern for what happens to me in my life, which is something that I never expected from her and is the reason why I consider her my closest friend. Plus, she is quite a handful so I'm glad I didn't try to go after it.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Everytime I see one of those types of posts, I have to reflect on a current friendship of mine with a girl who I do have feelings for, and reflect if im in that same boat.

But when im with this girl, im not pining to be the one shes with instead of her boyfriend. I dont have a sense of jealousy towards him and what he has. Then I realize that once, just once, my crush on her isn't bigger than the friendship.

But I have been there. Way too many times. When you have obvious feelings for a woman, you cant be just her friend. Its not fair to you or her to hang around her under the guise of friendship when your intentions are completely different.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, I've been there before, which is why I always say the first girl I met when I started college was my ideal of the perfect girl and perfect scenario for meeting her because I had a crush on her, but decided not to go for it. But then I became friends with her and got to know her better and I just couldn't imagine life without her.

I let her know how I felt the first time, but it was just bad timing since she had gotten out of a couple of relationships and really needed to figure out what she wanted. But after becoming friends again a year later, it was so hard especially since everyone we knew felt like we were perfect for each other. But I didn't want to ruin it the second time around and decided to hold my tongue. And I think that's truly what hurt the most when we stopped talking. Not only did I lose a potential romantic interest, but also a great friend, even though she told me recently that she didn't view the friendship the same way that I did. And at the same time, I feel really bad for how crappy her life has been since, especially since I only wanted the best for her.

But something a friend of mine pointed out to me was that I have a hard enough time keeping friends, so imagine how hard it would be to try and keep a girlfriend if I could get one. When I think about how true that is, I realize that I need to work on being a truly good friend first.