A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[Anita18]

I worry that you are (not intentionally) making yourself unattractive to this guy before you've had a chance to truly date. He may be polite about it, but he's a man- he wants to engage in sexual activities. It doesn't have to be sex yet, but at least kissing and some groping. So far he's gotten nothing sexual from you, just emotional messes. That's worse than friend zoning, because he may not even want to end up being friends. Everything you're going to him with you should be talking to a girl friend about.

I know someone like Angel actually - my best friend's sister. She was immensely hung up about any physical contact AT ALL and was an emotional mess right up through college and even my friend was amazed/impressed that the guy who's now her bf was sticking around and waiting patiently. They're totally close now and very cute, but it took years. It's a very rare man who will do that.

She's also matured to a point where she can mostly handle herself. Moving cross-country for a job will do that for you. (Yes, we're all amazed she's still in one piece, but people are often more resilient than you take them for...)

But her sister was in computer science and her bf was a fellow student. There's not a lot of women in CS so he probably figured he didn't have a whole lot of choices if he wanted to have a fellow CS student as a gf. Not sure if Angel has something equally rare about herself where a guy would be happy to wait for her.

I have a stutter and so I don't talk much. Because of that, I mostly handle my own issues, that's the way it's always been. My bf is not a talker himself and can't stand listening to other people's problems so he was willing to wait around for me, because not a whole lot of women are as taciturn.

A good relationship is when someone overlooks your flaws and cares for you despite them.

There's also a difference between being comfortable in a relationship and taking it for granted.

Or likes your "flaws" the way they are, like I described above. I remember very vividly that my stutter was EXTREMELY bad the first few dates I had with my bf. He didn't seem to care at all, while it would make a whole lot of people very uncomfortable. Having a stutter meant I wouldn't be able to talk up a storm with him.

I disagree with this completely. I believe this is a really shallow way to handle emotional connection and support - to wait until after having sex. IMO, sex should be the outcome of having an emotional connection and support. Otherwise its very easy to have the mindset of merely "putting up with" emotional stuff for the sex.

If the you/he/her/they are not willing to be emotionally there for you, then they don't deserve you to be "physically" there for them.

It's all relative, though. Some problems should involve the partner and some shouldn't.

 

[bullets]

It's a little unrealistic to expect a relationship to stay in a "honeymoon" like state.

Even though some of the warts, flaws, disagreements, etc. might start coming out, there's also a lot of positives that come with that relationship growing.

It's impossible to be romantic everyday but doing something special every once in a while makes it more special.


*****

I don't mind listening to a girl vent but if that's all she does it will weigh down the relationship. Being upset about a video game not working is going to come of as immature and most people won't "get it". I'd suggest taking that issue to friends but don't take advantage with them about either. Unless they have the same issue they'll get sick of it too.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Wow SHH? Lag much?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm not disagreeing with the idea of identifying when its appropriate to expect someone to be emotionally supportive. I'm arguing against your statement that two people can't be emotionally supportive of each other until they've had sex.

I never said that. You're twisting the subject. I assume you don't have sex with your parents, but you've also probably known them for a really long time, and likely they or some other long term person in your life probably gives you most of your emotional support. If you're dating someone though, or thinking about it, they are a new person. Whether you think they are or not. For most of us, with lives, we simply don't want another person's life right away. I'd also much prefer my mother and even my dog's emotional support. Like Anita says, some problems involve your partner, others don't. Sex is a physical expression of closeness, but in my experience, most people have sex before becoming really emotionally close. Personally to me, sex is sex, and I don't consider that crass. I don't have some official time limit, but for me it'd be a lousey time to find out I'm sexually incompatible with someone when I'm deep in an official full-blown relationship.

 

[Anita18]

It's impossible to be romantic everyday but doing something special every once in a while makes it more special.


*****

I don't mind listening to a girl vent but if that's all she does it will weigh down the relationship. Being upset about a video game not working is going to come of as immature and most people won't "get it". I'd suggest taking that issue to friends but don't take advantage with them about either. Unless they have the same issue they'll get sick of it too.

I don't expect a bouquet of roses or a gift of jewelry everyday (well I hate cut flowers and jewelry to begin with ) but surely every guy could find it in himself to embrace his woman or hold her hand or something every day he sees her. Besides, it's really the little things that count.

 

[Erzengel]

I do enjoy those post sex sandwiches.

 

[bullets]

I don't expect a bouquet of roses or a gift of jewelry everyday (well I hate cut flowers and jewelry to begin with ) but surely every guy could find it in himself to embrace his woman or hold her hand or something every day he sees her. Besides, it's really the little things that count.

I'm very affectionate so that's never been an issue. I just meant roses and date nights.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

If you aren't having sex, and I realize there are exceptions, then you are not that persons '____'friend. Simple as that. Until you're at the level you want out of that relationship it's simply inappropriate. It's like walking up to a stranger and yelling "well how do you think I felt!".

I think a lot of people would have an issue with the whole if we're not having sex, we're not a couple idea. I think there's a lot of people who would want that label before having hoping in the sack.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I think a lot of people would have an issue with the whole if we're not having sex, we're not a couple idea. I think there's a lot of people who would want that label before having hoping in the sack.

You clearly travel in different social circles. Quite frankly, I find they want it more than I do. I don't feel like I'm doing them any favors by waiting too long. Girls are very sexual, I'm almost amused that guys feel their urge is stronger and it's a put off. The amount of pleasure they get must eclipse a man's.

I think you'd find statistically most people don't wait long, and they've said waiting accomplishes nothing in the long run. Studies show the divorce rate is pretty indiscriminate. So perhaps it's my approach. Also though, I don't really do like eharmony does. I'm surrounded by all sorts of women most days of the week, so I've usually got a few to hang out with if nothing else.

I guess you could say I'll wait, but usually keep them as casual acquaintances. If I catch the inclination that some like me, I'll usually invite them over. I don't like spending money on them unless we're out with my friends (or theirs). I definitely try to avoided winning them over with money or structured dates. I try to be a bit more spontaneous than that, and I do that by focusing on winning them over with me. Not anything else.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

It's about time. SWG was such an awful game.

Look on the bright side: you'll be playing a much better star wars mmo that isn't crap eventually.

That's your opinion. That game meant a lot to me. You're welcome to not like it, but please try to avoid outright insulting it like that.

I thought that the game already shut down months ago? Not asking about this to be rude, but you've already gained national renown for being upset about that game. Is it really something this guy is gonna feel like dealing with? If he cared, he would have texted you back sooner, IMO.

I worry that you are (not intentionally) making yourself unattractive to this guy before you've had a chance to truly date. He may be polite about it, but he's a man- he wants to engage in sexual activities. It doesn't have to be sex yet, but at least kissing and some groping. So far he's gotten nothing sexual from you, just emotional messes. That's worse than friend zoning, because he may not even want to end up being friends. Everything you're going to him with you should be talking to a girl friend about.

No, the game wasn't shut down already. I made "THE video" after finding out that it was going to be shut down on 12/15 (last night). Not even an hour had passed when I made that video.

He texted back about 15-20 minutes after I sent it. The first text sent 3 hours before was completely unrelated. I think it was "Ok" in response to something he said. He even called to make sure I was ok after he left his friend's house. We talked for about 5 minutes, he cheered me up by flirting a bit (and I attempted to flirt back, not sure how skilled I am in that - especially with me being emotional), and it helped some, but it was 1 AM and we were both kind of tired so we didn't talk long. He was pretty supportive despite not quite understanding why I was upset over it. But I made an analogy that helped make it click for him a little, I think.

I plan on making a move the next time I see him. But I haven't physically seen him since we went to karaoke. We'll probably do something this weekend. That seems to be our thing, seeing one another twice a week and texting every day.

Seriously Angel, have you no parents' or close friends/relatives to talk to when you worry? I have a therapist, it works wonders. I can tell him all my nonsense, and he's paid to sit there and take it, so I'm not shooting myself in the foot with someone else. You're placing a pretty high cost on a physical relationship, you think he's gonna pay it? Yeah, seriously, I'd go either A) find a person in your life to vent at who won't walk away or B) hire a therapist. Otherwise you're going to keep pushing guys like him away.

Understand that if you take a relationship too seriously, too fast, it causes a lot of tension. When you sleep with someone you're taking on their baggage, whether you want to or not. If I'm this guy I'm not just comtemplating how bad I want to f*** you, I'm contemplating whether I want you as "that person", and whether I want you playing that role in my life. Right now, you're communicating to him that you're a handful. That this one act of sex is going to make you cling to him like a wet towel. If he wants that, that's one thing, but my guess is he's not. So unless you f***ing relax, it's not going to happen.

Angel,

First, the "don't text more than twice a day" thing is nonsense. Just don't text someone who isn't texting you back, and don't text really emotional stuff to them, and try not to whine about your problems via text, because those things should never be handled via text. It's fine to say "I had a bad day, and explain why, just don't go on and on about it.

I second the therapist suggestion. Obviously you have some anxiety that you're dealing with. People on here are largely saying "You can't be an emotional mess" around a guy, and that's correct. Most guys will be incredibly turned off by clinginess and anxiety. Partially because a lot of people simply don't want to, or cannot, or don't know how to, handle that kind of emotion from someone. And saying that you shouldn't feel that way is all well and good, but you also have to be able to process the emotions and feelings you're still having. And I don't think people just telling you not to worry about stuff is going to solve that. You talk about having low self esteem, and I'm guessing there's some insecurity there to deal with.

Are you, or have you considered seeing or talking someone, a counselor or therapist that you could talk about your concerns with? It can be particularly helpful when dealing with relationships. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, just that you may need another perspective to help you figure some things out. I (like many here, I suspect) had some of the same issues you're referring to, and I see one sometimes as well, and it can be a very nice resource to have. It's certainly helped to make me a more well rounded, secure person.

Constantly complaining about issues and worrying is definitely a turn off. That said, a guy who won't at least listen to your problems on some level, provided they are legitimately problems, probably isn't worth your time if you actually want to date him. It's true that a lot of men want something physical, but you seem to be in this for dating purposes, period. And getting to know someone, and their issues, is a part of dating, even casual dating.

I do have parents and friends that I can talk to. But my mom and stepdad were asleep at the time, and they have never understood the relationship between SWG and me. As for my friends, most of them aren't gamers, really, so they don't get it either. But Ephraim is a gamer. So I figured he'd understand. And he did, kind of (I think) after I made the analogy that it felt like what he would feel like if someone set fire to all of his "Magic: The Gathering" cards. He has an impressive amount of them, and has some pretty rare cards. And it's not like he's the only one I'll ever turn to when I'm upset, I just felt he might be one of the few people I knew that might understand where I was coming from.

As explained before, therapy is expensive and I have no insurance. If it were inexpensive and if I had insurance, I'd hop right on that. But since that isn't the case, it's not really an option. So I usually put my feelings in my diary or talk to friends. And if I'm worried about something that has to do with a certain person, I tend to want to talk about it with that person. Because it's one thing to hear "Everything's probably fine" from someone else, but it's another to hear that things are fine from the actual person the concern is about. But that doesn't really apply in this particular case.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Depending on where you live, a lot of free clinics can get you info on free or low cost therapy.

 

[Erzengel]

Angel, as long as you weren't inconsolable or hysterical, but even so, and I understand how much that game means to you.

My favorite video game series is wrapping up next year. And yeah, I'd love to keep playing my character, but some things you have to kinda put in perspective.

 

[The Guard]

Agreed. There are options out there that are free and places that will accept payment on a sliding scale (IE, almost free). Are you currently employed? If so, its possible your job might even have some options like that. Ditto a school if you're in school. It's legitimate to want to talk to someone if you think there's an issue between you, but there's an art to doing it sometimes.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

By the time he called I had mellowed out.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Have you ever had your head just be calm and silent? I don't mean that as a put down Angel, I'm talking about that meditative, relaxed feeling of calm. It's okay to be anxious every now and then as a reminder of IMPORTANT things, but it shouldn't be chronic either. Try to be a little more settled in what you have, and quit trying to figure out what you don't. When you seem calm and content in your surroundings people will want to be with you more rather than simply putting up with you for whatever reason.

Like we all say, it's okay to let people have insights into your person, but you have to do it in a way that allows them to recluse themselves if they are unwilling to handle it.

If you chronically inundate him with your sh**, it's like cornering an animal. He won't feel love, he'll feel assaulted. It's more frustration if you seem calm when he does talk to you again, because it'll seem as though you're making a big deal out of something unimportant. When you're approaching a new guy just hit the high points and fundamentals. He doesn't and has no reason to know you're life story. Let him ask the questions because then he'll have invested energy in you instead of you throwing yourself at him. He'll feel more emotionally attached to someone he's put effort into. If you force a relationship one dimensional and you just continue throwing every piece of you at him in hopes some will stick, he'll make you some girl he gets with when he's desperate.

You have to let him come to you a bit. This is what we mean by stop worrying and stop texting. STOP TEXTING.

 

[Anita18]

Another method is to keep doing what you're doing, but with the full awareness that most guys would not really like it. Some guys will, like my friend's sister's bf. And my own bf when it comes to my hermitness and my stuttering. The ones who do stick around, you KNOW are keepers. So that's one thing.

It's A LOT more difficult if you're trying to bag one particular guy and want to change your behavior to ensure that....

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I'm as sick of my worrying as you guys are, believe me. But for some reason I still do it anyway

 

[SpideyVille]

That's because its easier to worry than not worry. Its become a part of who you are and what you turn to when you feel uncomfortable when you try not to worry.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I've always been a worrywart. Ever since childhood. But I never used to be as bad as I am now.

 

[Anita18]

That's because its easier to worry than not worry. Its become a part of who you are and what you turn to when you feel uncomfortable when you try not to worry.

Worrying takes a lot of energy though, which is why I find I worry a lot less if I'm very busy or have other fun projects that take up mental energy. Then I simply do not have the energy to worry!

I used to be a worrywart as a child but I've mellowed out quite considerably as an adult. Part of it is realizing that things are never as bad as you think they are as long as you have options.

I've always been a worrywart. Ever since childhood. But I never used to be as bad as I am now.

I think you've mentioned this before - are you feeling overwhelmed and not confident in school? I found that this went hand-in-hand. Although I didn't worry about the same stuff I did as a kid, that lack of confidence leads very naturally to second-guessing yourself on a lot of things. You feel like you can't do anything right.

College was hard for me because I only had had one option - be a great student. And when I wasn't I felt like a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. Now that I've graduated I feel like I'm free to pursue a lot of options and if I fail, who cares as long as I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Success is a lot more multi-faceted than just pursuing the same thing everyone else is.

Now I'm trying to act as free therapist, even though I have no qualifications.

 

[SpideyVille]

I've always been a worrywart. Ever since childhood. But I never used to be as bad as I am now.

That's because you really feel like you found something that you've really wanted for a long time and you're scared that something is going to happen to make you lose it. So you try to make sure that you don't do anything that might cause you to mess things up yourself. But as you saw, you made one little mistake in the driving thing and freaked out because you thought that that was going to ruin everything.

I've always been the same way and still am to some extent. But I've learned from one bad experience that the more you try to hold on to something and protect it with all your strength, you end up growing too attached too fast, or it eventually consumes your mind like an obsession. Either way, if things don't work out because of this kind of behavior ,then you've only set yourself up for a complete disappointment because you invest so much into so little,

Telling you to not worry is easier said than done, but like I suggested before, find other things to take your mind off of your problems. That doesn't mean completely ignore them or hold them in, but find someone else to let these things out so that it doesn't seem like you're only venting to your boyfriend. Most people find that as a turn off in any relationship. Yes, when you have a problem, he should be the one to console you and protect you, but you haven't reached that point in the relationship yet to do so, so you can force it upon him. For now, with him, you need to play it cool and not be so quick to let everything out to him right away.

 

[SpideyVille]

Worrying takes a lot of energy though, which is why I find I worry a lot less if I'm very busy or have other fun projects that take up mental energy. Then I simply do not have the energy to worry!

Yeah, well like I said, I was through a similar experience where worrying consumed me. I remember texting this girl I like and would have nightmares while I slept with the phone next to my head because I was so scared that something would happen to her or that she would meet some guy while I was waiting to hear from her. It really took me a long time to learn how to not care as much, and even then I still freaked out with some other girl because I wouldn't hear from her for days.

Like I said, worrying is a lot of energy and usually causes more stress, but its easier to do it when its in your nature. Its like that becomes your default setting when you don't know what to do, or when you feel like trying not to worry is not working. It was one of those traits that I picked up from my mom early on and have been trying to get rid of because it really has held me back in life and caused me more stress than I ever needed.

I used to go to therapy as a child and that never really worked because I didn't know how to communicate my feelings. But now, I've learned that the best way to do so is to just talk to people. I was never social growing up so I usually kept a lot in but now I try to let things out to people who I know will at least listen. Talking to people has sort of been my therapy and most of the time its free.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I think you've mentioned this before - are you feeling overwhelmed and not confident in school? I found that this went hand-in-hand. Although I didn't worry about the same stuff I did as a kid, that lack of confidence leads very naturally to second-guessing yourself on a lot of things. You feel like you can't do anything right.

College was hard for me because I only had had one option - be a great student. And when I wasn't I felt like a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. Now that I've graduated I feel like I'm free to pursue a lot of options and if I fail, who cares as long as I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Success is a lot more multi-faceted than just pursuing the same thing everyone else is.

Now I'm trying to act as free therapist, even though I have no qualifications.

I've definitely been feeling overwhelmed with school and not confident in my skills as a student. As I've said before, I have never felt more stupid than how I'm feeling now that I'm in college. My Senior year of high school I had pretty much straight As. Only 2 Bs the ENTIRE year. And now I'm getting mostly Bs and it's driving me insane. I'm the type of person who translates a B to "Better work harder to get an A". I started sobbing, sobbing in class once because I got a very low C on an assignment. I almost threw up. I was that upset. I've been working my ass off and yet it still isn't good enough. Doesn't help that my stepdad thinks I'm a loser because I was crumbling under the pressure of 4 really difficult classes with large assignments that required a ton of research due around the same time so I dropped half of them. Is it such a crime that I took 2 classes most of this semester and plan on taking just 2 again next semester??

 

[Anita18]

Like I said, worrying is a lot of energy and usually causes more stress, but its easier to do it when its in your nature. Its like that becomes your default setting when you don't know what to do, or when you feel like trying not to worry is not working. It was one of those traits that I picked up from my mom early on and have been trying to get rid of because it really has held me back in life and caused me more stress than I ever needed.

Yeah I definitely think kids pick up on stuff like that from their parents. My own mom has always been the happy-go-lucky type and always keeps herself busy with fun things, so that's what my sister and I have always done. We always have some fun hobby project going on. But we get the perfectionism from our dad.

I've definitely been feeling overwhelmed with school and not confident in my skills as a student. As I've said before, I have never felt more stupid than how I'm feeling now that I'm in college. My Senior year of high school I had pretty much straight As. Only 2 Bs the ENTIRE year. And now I'm getting mostly Bs and it's driving me insane. I'm the type of person who translates a B to "Better work harder to get an A". I started sobbing, sobbing in class once because I got a very low C on an assignment. I almost threw up. I was that upset. I've been working my ass off and yet it still isn't good enough. Doesn't help that my stepdad thinks I'm a loser because I was crumbling under the pressure of 4 really difficult classes with large assignments that required a ton of research due around the same time so I dropped half of them. Is it such a crime that I took 2 classes most of this semester and plan on taking just 2 again next semester??

Girl, that sounds EXACTLY like me. Except in HS I got all straight A's and it was a breeze. And then I got B-'s in pretty much all my science classes in college. I did better in some of my more interesting biology classes but yeah. Total B student and it really did a number on my intellectual self-esteem because I'd always thought I was smart. The thing was that I DID like biology and there wasn't really anything else I wanted to do at the time, I just wasn't very good at it.

I remember one time I studied hard for a test and getting a D on it. (Granted, the science classes always graded on a steep curve so a C was an B+, but seeing a score in the 60's is still pretty devastating for someone who thinks of themselves as a good student.) I locked myself in my thesis lab, called my mom, and cried for an hour in the dark. This was my second semester senior year, so it wasn't something I got over until I got out.

But I got the job done - I graduated with a degree and got a job in biology that pays a good wage with great people, so there's no "success" gauge on me now since I chose not to go to grad school or med school. And that was despite my not-so-hot grades in college. In fact, I think that might have helped me since all the great students were going on to grad and med school so I was the only one left available to be a lab tech.

I'll send you an IM so we can talk about this more. But yeah, I totally know where you're coming from, I'm telling you that it'll be a lot better once you get through it.

 

[SuperFerret]

I breezed through high school, and had to study in college, but luckily I had learned somewhere along the way that school was basically a job, and like any job, succeeding isn't about how smart or good you are, so it's just best to do the bare minimum and allow yourself to relax.