A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[twylight]

Which is why I'm asking HS to elaborate. "Bland" is not "nice," bland is just bland. I have no idea why people associate nice with bland, they're completely different aspects to one's personality.

When people say "too nice" I usually interpret that has "not having a spine." Which is obviously an issue, but "accommodating" also doesn't automatically mean "not having a spine."

I don't think she meant 'bland'.

To me it seems like she needs some 'chemistry' with a guy. 'Nice' doesn't make up for a lack of 'spark'

 

[Erzengel]

Stupid Hype. Double post.

 

[Erzengel]

Bland has a negative connotation and most people would rather be more diplomatic. Also, it's usually, "he's nice but......" as opposed to using bland.

 

[Anita18]

Bland has a negative connotation and most people would rather be more diplomatic. Also, it's usually, "he's nice but......" as opposed to using bland.

Well the guy in question presumably isn't on here, so she should feel free to come right out and call him bland if that's what she means.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Well the guy in question presumably isn't on here, so she should feel free to come right out and call him bland if that's what she means.

My guess.

She's already got him figured out.

He's into her, and is too easy for her to read that he is desperate, and certainly he does not excite her.

No mystery, no subtle hints of a story that intrigues her, yet leave out enough that she desires to hear more. "I don't know what I was thinking then, the adventure, the comradely, the women, the getting too drunk the night before shipping out...anyway, it was a long time ago..... whats there special about you that I should know?" Then only giving her bits and pieces, marked by an inflection of teasing in how he expertly dodges her questions. He’s too straight forward and not interesting.

No fun or spontaneity, Him declaring where he wants to go, and she is welcome to join him. They go out, visit several places of his choosing, she feels like she can let loose like a she is a carefree girl and simply have a good time. She can instantly build memories where he takes her, with that trembling tingle of anticipation.

No making her take a risk, "You should come inside, I insist. I make the best tea, you won't regret it".

Not making her heart race in a soft light hallway while using his body to pin her into the wall, the light flickering off his eyes, and the 3 days of stubble with its rough hard texture moving under her palm as he leans in to kiss her shaking form...

 

[steintym]

Angel, time to make a move. I don't think your guy is as experienced as he'd like you to think. I know it can be a little intimidating, and I remember being as nervous as hell, but it is just a kiss. Lean in and plant one on him. You'll be relieved to have that out of the way and you'll be so happy you went for it.

 

[ComicChick]

angel your homework assignment for the week is to kiss him on the lips or at the very least, kiss him on the cheek.

get some lip action somehow

 

[SpideyVille]

There are plenty of places where she could kiss him.

 

[twylight]

angel your homework assignment for the week is to kiss him on the lips or at the very least, kiss him on the cheek.

Well, we know how she is with homework grades

 

[bullets]

There are plenty of places where she could kiss him.

Yeah but preferably the cheek for the first time.

 

[twylight]

Yeah but preferably the cheek for the first time.

*pft*


Go for the lips or go home.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well, we know how she is with homework grades

Touche

Yeah but preferably the cheek for the first time.

I'd say that's the safe zone.

*pft*


Go for the lips or go home.

Now we're talking!

 

[bullets]

*pft*


Go for the lips or go home.

I was thinking warm the guy up and give him a chance to redeem himself.

 

[twylight]

I was thinking warm the guy up and give him a chance to redeem himself.

That's fair I suppose. But at this point, I almost wonder if she shouldn't just 'go for it' to see his reaction and then proceed from there based on it.

 

[bullets]

That's fair I suppose. But at this point, I almost wonder if she shouldn't just 'go for it' to see his reaction and then proceed from there based on it.

From what I've read about the situation it doesn't seem like she has anything to lose. The guy seems to like her enough.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Eh, depends on how far away "another town" is. My best friend and her fiance lived an hour away and drove to see each other every weekend. (They're now married and just moved in together.) My own bf lived an hour away when we were just getting to know each other and he did the same. If it requires a plane ride to be in any way convenient, I can see your point, but a little driving never hurt anyone.

It's not so much the distance that bothers me.

But moving away is supposed to be this whole fresh start for me, going alone to a city I don't know, starting my career, building a life for myself without any of the crap I'll be leaving behind.

I don't know if I really WANT a reason to come back, or even someone to come with me.

But I guess there's no rule against letting a guy pay me some complimentary attention for a while... I just don't want to cross into leading him on or anything that might make me feel like a *****

And you also have to define "nice." When you say "oomf" it almost makes me think you like the *****ebags. My bf is accommodating and extremely patient, but he absolutely does not take care of me unless I ask for it. He finds my independence and intelligence very attractive. But on the surface he's a shy "nice guy." So I don't know what you mean by that.

And whoever says you need to dump anybody? It almost sounds like you don't think you deserve a "nice guy," however you define that.

Being nice doesn't necessarily equate to attraction. I think HS is referring to is some sort of spark/interest in the guys she likes. Nothing wrong with that and it's been discussed here where a lot of "nice guys" confuse the lack of attraction with them being too nice and usually not the case.

Which is why I'm asking HS to elaborate. "Bland" is not "nice," bland is just bland. I have no idea why people associate nice with bland, they're completely different aspects to one's personality.

When people say "too nice" I usually interpret that has "not having a spine." Which is obviously an issue, but "accommodating" also doesn't automatically mean "not having a spine."

I don't think she meant 'bland'.

To me it seems like she needs some 'chemistry' with a guy. 'Nice' doesn't make up for a lack of 'spark'

Bland has a negative connotation and most people would rather be more diplomatic. Also, it's usually, "he's nice but......" as opposed to using bland.

Well the guy in question presumably isn't on here, so she should feel free to come right out and call him bland if that's what she means.

Sorry, I very much should explain what I mean by 'too nice'.

To me it equals - too agreeable/accomadating, a bit of a wet fish, complimenting me too much, constantly being concerned about me when I'm fine, etc etc.

Not saying he IS all those things, but when you meet a guy whose really nice, that's what you worry about.

I like a guy I can argue with. Not screaming rows about personal things, but debates that get your blood pumping and that you can really get your teeth into.

I also like a guy who knows how to tease. Wind me up with a bit of light hearted ribbing (I do the same back, and it's just a fun form of flirting I guess).

Basically, if a guy has those two qualities, I'm usually interested. If they have neither... I'm not, and probably never am going to be, excited by the relationship.

I need a guy who is my equal, keeps me on my toes. Not admires me and never questions me or challenges me.

FYI He's also a little dull, I'll admit to thinking that.

He's not a superhero fan (should dump him on that basis alone ), he did a science degree and then qualified to be a teacher. He likes cars.

That's kind of the majority of what I know about him, which considering he's been on my 'radar of people I know' for about 10 years, really speaks to how quiet he is.

Hmmm... I'm defo thinking this was a bad idea now...

I hate having to tell someone I'm not interested...

My guess.

She's already got him figured out.

He's into her, and is too easy for her to read that he is desperate, and certainly he does not excite her.

No mystery, no subtle hints of a story that intrigues her, yet leave out enough that she desires to hear more. "I don't know what I was thinking then, the adventure, the comradely, the women, the getting too drunk the night before shipping out...anyway, it was a long time ago..... whats there special about you that I should know?" Then only giving her bits and pieces, marked by an inflection of teasing in how he expertly dodges her questions. He’s too straight forward and not interesting.

No fun or spontaneity, Him declaring where he wants to go, and she is welcome to join him. They go out, visit several places of his choosing, she feels like she can let loose like a she is a carefree girl and simply have a good time. She can instantly build memories where he takes her, with that trembling tingle of anticipation.

No making her take a risk, "You should come inside, I insist. I make the best tea, you won't regret it".

Not making her heart race in a soft light hallway while using his body to pin her into the wall, the light flickering off his eyes, and the 3 days of stubble with its rough hard texture moving under her palm as he leans in to kiss her shaking form...

Haha that's a little frightening...

... And pretty darn accurate

 

[steintym]

*pft*


Go for the lips or go home.

Agreed!

If she's just going to kiss him on the cheek she might as well just give him a fist bump or high five.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Sorry, I very much should explain what I mean by 'too nice'.

To me it equals - too agreeable/accomadating, a bit of a wet fish, complimenting me too much, constantly being concerned about me when I'm fine, etc etc.

Not saying he IS all those things, but when you meet a guy whose really nice, that's what you worry about.

I like a guy I can argue with. Not screaming rows about personal things, but debates that get your blood pumping and that you can really get your teeth into.

I also like a guy who knows how to tease. Wind me up with a bit of light hearted ribbing (I do the same back, and it's just a fun form of flirting I guess).

Basically, if a guy has those two qualities, I'm usually interested. If they have neither... I'm not, and probably never am going to be, excited by the relationship.

Thank you! (For the record, I'm sure we'd get along greatt

Yeah, this is a good description of what I try to communicate to other guys. These are more genuine forms of communication anyways. If you look at what HS is describing above it's not all that different from how guys behave towards their guy friends - only those interactions are effortless because guys do not wish to f*** other guys if they're straight.

I think the biggest turn off of 'niceness' for me is I'm not truly nice. I don't think girls are either for the most part. I have a wild streak I'm really not too ashamed of. I'm generally "good", but I'm not inoffensive, timid, or "safe".

 

[Anita18]

It's not so much the distance that bothers me.

But moving away is supposed to be this whole fresh start for me, going alone to a city I don't know, starting my career, building a life for myself without any of the crap I'll be leaving behind.

I don't know if I really WANT a reason to come back, or even someone to come with me.

But I guess there's no rule against letting a guy pay me some complimentary attention for a while... I just don't want to cross into leading him on or anything that might make me feel like a *****



Sorry, I very much should explain what I mean by 'too nice'.

To me it equals - too agreeable/accomadating, a bit of a wet fish, complimenting me too much, constantly being concerned about me when I'm fine, etc etc.

Not saying he IS all those things, but when you meet a guy whose really nice, that's what you worry about.

I like a guy I can argue with. Not screaming rows about personal things, but debates that get your blood pumping and that you can really get your teeth into.

I also like a guy who knows how to tease. Wind me up with a bit of light hearted ribbing (I do the same back, and it's just a fun form of flirting I guess).

Basically, if a guy has those two qualities, I'm usually interested. If they have neither... I'm not, and probably never am going to be, excited by the relationship.

I need a guy who is my equal, keeps me on my toes. Not admires me and never questions me or challenges me.

FYI He's also a little dull, I'll admit to thinking that.

He's not a superhero fan (should dump him on that basis alone ), he did a science degree and then qualified to be a teacher. He likes cars.

That's kind of the majority of what I know about him, which considering he's been on my 'radar of people I know' for about 10 years, really speaks to how quiet he is.

Hmmm... I'm defo thinking this was a bad idea now...

I hate having to tell someone I'm not interested...

Well it already sounds like you've made up your mind, so you might as well cut it off when it's early before you and him have invested too much.

And I agree that you need a little bit of mystery going on. When I met my bf, he worked in defense and could not tell me what he worked on or even where he worked to start. It had a bit of the James Bond intrigue going on. t: Now he's changed jobs to something else that's definitely more open and he's STILL pretty secretive (likely out of habit) and frankly it's starting to get a little annoying. But otherwise I suppose you would consider him bland and too nice.

In my experience, nice guys don't want any sort of strife in the relationship. No arguing, nothing. And I don't mean bland and without a spine - I mean guys who aren't *****ebags. My first bf LOVED to argue with people and absolutely had an arrogant front, but he didn't want to argue with me. My current bf certainly doesn't, and I don't really know that any of my friend's fellas are any different. So that may be why you're having a hard time being in a relationship: you want a cheeky, arrogant guy with a vulnerable side, but all you're getting are cheeky, arrogant guys full stop.

But that's all right. In time, I'm sure you'll find your man. It took me 6 years, and my requirements are certainly less stringent. In fact, I didn't even know what I was looking for, although I can verbalize it more now - a devoted, patient guy who doesn't baby me. Sounds paradoxical, but that's perhaps why it took me so long to find him.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Thank you! (For the record, I'm sure we'd get along greatt

I'm sure we would!

Yeah, this is a good description of what I try to communicate to other guys. These are more genuine forms of communication anyways. If you look at what HS is describing above it's not all that different from how guys behave towards their guy friends - only those interactions are effortless because guys do not wish to f*** other guys if they're straight.

Totally true, and one of the other big problems with guys who are 'too nice'... No one is that nice... So they are usually faking it.

I don't want a guy being careful around me or pretending he's for things he's actually against because he thinks it'll score him brownie points. I just want him to be himself, and have a laugh with me.

I think the biggest turn off of 'niceness' for me is I'm not truly nice. I don't think girls are either for the most part. I have a wild streak I'm really not too ashamed of. I'm generally "good", but I'm not inoffensive, timid, or "safe".

Yeah I'm a bit of a handful too

Nice people should be with nice people.

That doesn't mean I don't think I deserve a nice guy, it means I don't WANT a nice guy. I need MORE than a guy whose just nice.

I want a guy who's just as stubborn and arguementative as me, who will call me on my bull****, who makes me laugh, who winds me up, who is just as crazy and spontaneous as me, who isn't going to be too clingy or want to spend every second of the day together, who gets jelous and paranoid on occasion, whose friends I can hang around with and not have to be a seperate part of his life, but who will want me to himself sometimes too and who has intelligence and depth beyond football and boobs.

I don't think I'm ever going to get that

So I'm giving up and dating a nice guy *sigh*.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Touche

I'd say that's the safe zone.

Now we're talking!

In the words of Yoda "That is why you fail"

Friends kiss each other on the cheek, romantic partners kiss each other on the lips.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well it already sounds like you've made up your mind, so you might as well cut it off when it's early before you and him have invested too much.

I dunno. I'm gonna go for drinks with him, but I might just try and make it into an 'old friends catching up' thing and steer away from anything too 'datey'. If I feel different on the night, I can always steer it back

And I agree that you need a little bit of mystery going on. When I met my bf, he worked in defense and could not tell me what he worked on or even where he worked to start. It had a bit of the James Bond intrigue going on. t: Now he's changed jobs to something else that's definitely more open and he's STILL pretty secretive (likely out of habit) and frankly it's starting to get a little annoying. But otherwise I suppose you would consider him bland and too nice.

Oooh James Bond intrigue would work on me too I think

I'm not massively worried about mystery or intrigue. I mean, i'm pretty much an open book, but i'd get self conscious if the guy never opened up to me and was always secretive. I wanna know his whole life story.

In my experience, nice guys don't want any sort of strife in the relationship. No arguing, nothing. And I don't mean bland and without a spine - I mean guys who aren't *****ebags. My first bf LOVED to argue with people and absolutely had an arrogant front, but he didn't want to argue with me. My current bf certainly doesn't, and I don't really know that any of my friend's fellas are any different. So that may be why you're having a hard time being in a relationship: you want a cheeky, arrogant guy with a vulnerable side, but all you're getting are cheeky, arrogant guys full stop.

It's hard to explain the type of argueing I'm talking about if you don't enjoy argueing yourself.

But it's not serious stuff I'm talking about. It's the fun kind. Like debating whether or not Superman is better than Batman, but getting waaaay to into it

I've known 3 guys I could argue with in a fun way like that, and I had relationships with all of them.

But that's all right. In time, I'm sure you'll find your man. It took me 6 years, and my requirements are certainly less stringent. In fact, I didn't even know what I was looking for, although I can verbalize it more now - a devoted, patient guy who doesn't baby me. Sounds paradoxical, but that's perhaps why it took me so long to find him.

Devoted and patient sounds like a really good combo, but it's just too 'calm' for me.

I want something that makes me feel alive, not that makes me feel safe. Because I make myself feel safe, I don't need anyone to do that for me. I need other people to make me take a risk

 

[Anita18]

Devoted and patient sounds like a really good combo, but it's just too 'calm' for me.

I want something that makes me feel alive, not that makes me feel safe. Because I make myself feel safe, I don't need anyone to do that for me. I need other people to make me take a risk

Yeah that's one thing my bf and I are immensely alike in - we're both massively boring.

 

[SpideyVille]

In the words of Yoda "That is why you fail"

Friends kiss each other on the cheek, romantic partners kiss each other on the lips.

None of my friends do that with me.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yeah that's one thing my bf and I are immensely alike in - we're both massively boring.

I think all happy couples get 'boring' after a while (or it feels like that when your single and everyone's hibernating!) And I think after the initial falling in love phase, I'd want the relationship to settle down into something managable myself

It's just hard to be attracted to a guy whose already like that I guess.

I want us to settle down together. I don't wanna be 'tamed' down to their level.