A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[trashmold]

I was thinking the same as I was reading through the posts. I don't have a great feeling about it, though.

MTE!

 

[LOBO3315a]

Well that's the girl/girl part sorted - any male volunteers in the audience!

*Raises his hands*

It's been a LLLLLOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG time since I've had a threesome, so please be rough with me!

And I'm cautiously hopeful that something good happened with Angel and her beau last night.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm not saying all guys who act nice are lying. Just my experience of guys who are overly 'nice' are usually the ones who are trying too hard and actually have something too hide.

But then my ex, who was especially nice a lot of the time, was cheating on me with men... so I have my own issues

Yeah, that's certainly an extreme, and I think you're right to an extent: 'Nice Guys' hide their feelings, especially around authority figures.

My roommate for example is 'nice', and by 'nice' I mean he never talks about himself, asks way too many questions, and chronically tries to get in my head. He's never once offended me, never once gotten mad, and never once shown any other emotion aside from "being there". While I have my theories about what makes him act this way, I don't necessarily assume he's covering up anything sinister. That's the case I would make about nice guys. Generally what they are hiding could be as simple as "I'm insecure because secretly I'm intimidated by women/ have a wacky family/ would rather live in another town".

It really goes back to personalizing the feelings others have about you. Going back to the roommate again, when bums bother us in our neighborhood I'm fairly short with them. Sometimes I'll even say "Hey, get the f*** out of my yard". He'll always say "well I can't see being mean to them, they're people too". Sure, they are people but what is worse: being nice to them when you actually want them to leave? Or just saying "get lost!"? I pick the latter, he picks the former. That niceness, unfortunately, leads to impatience, and negative feelings. I intentionally used this example since it is an extreme, but illustrates my point. While my actions certainly are curt, and often rude, there is a certain decency there. My beef with bums is not personal towards them, they are annoying me and I'm informing them of that fact in the quickest way possible.

To your example; there is nothing wrong with having sex with guys. Nothing. You see what being 'nice' does though. It took a relatively small issue, or insecurity, and makes it a large, indominable problem. Imagine if he had, for some time before he met you, stopped being nice, stopped worrying what the world would think of him if he went against the grain? I think it's safe to say such an event never would have occurred because he would've come clean about his desires long before.

I can remember back when I used to be nice...

Before the weight of the world's bulls*** turned me into the cynical, shrivelled husk of a man that you people know today.

You love playing with that. You love playing with all your stuffed animals. You love your Mommy, your Daddy. You love your pajamas. You love everything, don't ya? Yea. But you know what, buddy? As you get older... some of the things you love might not seem so special anymore. Like your Jack-in-a-Box. Maybe you'll realize it's just a piece of tin and a stuffed animal. And the older you get, the fewer things you really love. And by the time you get to my age, maybe it's only one or two things. With me, I think it's one.

- William James (The Hurt Locker)

The Hurt Locker really summed up such a turning point in my life. Essentially I got the joke. It's not that the world is a horrible place, or that it's hard, or that it weighs you down. It's that, honestly, things and people come and go, and feelings pass. As time wears on things tend to lose their color to us. Jokes get less funny, toys lose their magic, and that what once scared us now seems redundant and unexciting. In that sense, no matter how hard we try, we'll never recapture that what once was. Feelings are meant to be felt and emotions are meant to be expressed for the duration they exist. There is no amount of mental gymnastics that can hold on to feelings, thoughts, emotions and realities that simply are not there. The fact that these things may once have existed should be enough. The fact that they, in some measure, influenced the course of our existence should be enough. My conscious mind is a passenger in the vehicle that physically composes me. It doesn't get to determine my future, it simply provides insights and commentary on the reality I preceive. It's transcient though, because one day that vehicle is going to reach it's final destination, and all that I am will be lost on that road never to be picked up again.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

@ Angel

So I've read through the last 10 pages to get an idea of your situation, and I here's my conclusion.

There is only 3 reasons I can see as to why he has not made a move on you yet:

1. He's on a power trip - from the sounds of it, his last girlfriend was in the drivers seat with everything moving too fast for him. She had the power in the relationship. In you he's found a submissive. Someone who is willing to give him the control. And unfortunately, it sounds like he's enjoying that a bit too much.

He knows that if he goes for a kiss you aren't going to say no... he can have you, any time he wants you. But it's almost like he's seeing how far he can push it. Teasing you with that comment about not asking definitely makes me think that might be it.

2. He's just not that into you - I know that he said he has feelings for you... but people say a lot of things just to keep love interests around when actually they aren't sure what they feel. That's a harsh truth. And it may be that he's got you 'on the hook'. He wants to keep you around because you make him feel wanted, but he never actually intends a relationship with you.

To fully understand what I mean by that, watch this HIMYM clip. Describes it perfectly.

[YT]U8Q0OeBoKXs[/YT]

3. He's secretly gay (though that's once again more my issue )

To your example; there is nothing wrong with having sex with guys. Nothing. You see what being 'nice' does though. It took a relatively small issue, or insecurity, and makes it a large, indominable problem. Imagine if he had, for some time before he met you, stopped being nice, stopped worrying what the world would think of him if he went against the grain? I think it's safe to say such an event never would have occurred because he would've come clean about his desires long before.

Definitely.

My best friend in the whole world is gay, along with many other people I know, and I used to live with a lesbian couple who had kids. I have zero issue with a persons sexual preference.

Thing is, he pretended to be the 'nice guy' type, though most of the time he was a selfish **** to me in reality, and made me feel incredibly undesireable sexually because he rarely wanted to 'do it' and would literally bat me away if I tried most of the time... I really thought I was just not sexy or something (he was my first). I was left with a lot of insecurities.

But he said 'I love you' really quick, cried the night I went to uni because he was going to miss me so much, was really romantic, bought me jewellrey etc; and he'd make comments that hinted at wanting to marry me one day, and he'd be such a sweetie when we'd go out to work dos, be the perfect gent and treat me like a princess.

It's only when I look back that I can see that everything I thought our relationship was, was a big fat lie... it was just all about him wanting a trophy girlfriend that he could parade around a go 'see, i'm definitely not gay' while he secretly experimented with his sexual desires at the expense of my heart.

So I guess you can see why I prefer an honest kind of relationship.

Just treat me like a person, not like someone you have to 'woo'... I mean, wooing in itself suggests some kind of manipulation based on a lie.

If I like you, I like YOU. I want to get to know YOU. Not the you that you think I will like.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Your video doesn't work

 

[hopefuldreamer]

*Raises his hands*

It's been a LLLLLOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG time since I've had a threesome, so please be rough with me!
.

Only way I know how

Your video doesn't work

Grrr, it's still processing. It should be uploaded soon, i'll let you know when it's finished

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Oh, and for those wondering, it didn't happen last night. But I did get the guts to ask him what he wanted out of this and after talking about it for a while I think he and I are on the same page.

 

[SpideyVille]

And what page would that be exactly?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Oh, and for those wondering, it didn't happen last night. But I did get the guts to ask him what he wanted out of this and after talking about it for a while I think he and I are on the same page.

That sounds good, do you care to elaborate?

 

[Angel_Faerie]

He's happy with where things are and where they're headed. But, he's dealing with some issues right now (I don't know specifics, but I have my hunches) and he doesn't want them to pop up once we're more serious and cause problems. So the pace we're going at now is perfect for him because it gives him time to work on these issues.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

He's happy with where things are and where they're headed. But, he's dealing with some issues right now (I don't know specifics, but I have my hunches) and he doesn't want them to pop up once we're more serious and cause problems. So the pace we're going at now is perfect for him because it gives him time to work on these issues.

If I was in your shoes, I'd start looking for other options. Not saying cut this person out of your life, but definitely don't give him much of your time and effort until he says he is ready (which quite frankly, could be never).

 

[amazingfantasy15]

He's happy with where things are and where they're headed. But, he's dealing with some issues right now (I don't know specifics, but I have my hunches) and he doesn't want them to pop up once we're more serious and cause problems. So the pace we're going at now is perfect for him because it gives him time to work on these issues.

Sorry Angel, but he's just not that into you. This isn't going to get serious, someone who really likes you won't let other things get in the way. You're playing the role of the "nice guy" right now, waiting around, hoping things will change, but they won't, not unless you're willing to take charge and change them and even then you might get the "I just want to be friends and getting physical will ruin the friendship" speech.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

He's happy with where things are and where they're headed. But, he's dealing with some issues right now (I don't know specifics, but I have my hunches) and he doesn't want them to pop up once we're more serious and cause problems. So the pace we're going at now is perfect for him because it gives him time to work on these issues.

That's understandable and i'm glad that you guys are able to talk about it at least.

But it doesn't sound like he's much considering how you feel in all this.

It just seems like it's you making all the compromise and effort to accomodate him, and he's not meeting you half way at all. It's all about what he wants - but what do you want?

I mean, what are you getting out of this relationship bar all the paranoia of wondering when he'll finally make a move or if you should make a move or what it meant when his hand brushed past yours on the sofa?

Because it seems to me that what you want is a guy who wants to kiss you, not one who doesn't.

And as much as you feel like it's worth the wait with him... you have to put a time limit on that. At some point you have to stop and say 'yeah, i'm not waiting for you any more because your blatantly just stringing me along now and I deserve better than that'.

 

[SpideyVille]

If I was in your shoes, I'd start looking for other options. Not saying cut this person out of your life, but definitely don't give him much of your time and effort until he says he is ready (which quite frankly, could be never).

I don't really see her doing this because its the first guy she's been close to in person, so it won't be as easy as it would be for someone who's been in relationships before.

Sorry Angel, but he's just not that into you. This isn't going to get serious, someone who really likes you won't let other things get in the way. You're playing the role of the "nice guy" right now, waiting around, hoping things will change, but they won't, not unless you're willing to take charge and change them and even then you might get the "I just want to be friends and getting physical will ruin the friendship" speech.

Is it possible that she has been "friend zoned" by her own boyfriend?

 

[Hound55]

And what page would that be exactly?

A page made illegible by bodily fluids...

 

[Erzengel]

He's happy with where things are and where they're headed. But, he's dealing with some issues right now (I don't know specifics, but I have my hunches) and he doesn't want them to pop up once we're more serious and cause problems. So the pace we're going at now is perfect for him because it gives him time to work on these issues.

But are YOU okay with that?

I mean are you saying it's fine because you rather have this or nothing?

I wouldn't settle for something just cause it's the only current opportunity. If you want more from this relationship and he doesn't, I would keep my options open.

 

[DV8]

He's happy with where things are and where they're headed. But, he's dealing with some issues right now (I don't know specifics, but I have my hunches) and he doesn't want them to pop up once we're more serious and cause problems. So the pace we're going at now is perfect for him because it gives him time to work on these issues.

that's the biggest pile of BS I've ever heard

Sorry Angel, but he's just not that into you. This isn't going to get serious, someone who really likes you won't let other things get in the way. You're playing the role of the "nice guy" right now, waiting around, hoping things will change, but they won't, not unless you're willing to take charge and change them and even then you might get the "I just want to be friends and getting physical will ruin the friendship" speech.

yup, he's right

if you still want him, just get drunk and go in for the kill . . . all this overanalyzing and explaining one's feelings is stupid; it's the antithesis of a sexual, visceral relationship; we are animals with animal-like lust that must be quenched!! LOL let yourself go

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I don't really see her doing this because its the first guy she's been close to in person, so it won't be as easy as it would be for someone who's been in relationships before.

Is it possible that she has been "friend zoned" by her own boyfriend?

I do think she's been "friend zoned" mainly because he isn't her boyfriend right now. After two months +, she should have that label.

 

[Anita18]

If I was in your shoes, I'd start looking for other options. Not saying cut this person out of your life, but definitely don't give him much of your time and effort until he says he is ready (which quite frankly, could be never).

Well, actions speak louder than words, IMO. If he keeps hanging out with her one-on-one in a semi-intimate way, I think things could progress in the right direction. Slowly, but they could.

But yeah, don't put ALL your hopes on him. Take things as they come and enjoy it as it develops. No crazy long-term expectations right now.

Sorry Angel, but he's just not that into you. This isn't going to get serious, someone who really likes you won't let other things get in the way. You're playing the role of the "nice guy" right now, waiting around, hoping things will change, but they won't, not unless you're willing to take charge and change them and even then you might get the "I just want to be friends and getting physical will ruin the friendship" speech.

Pfffft, my bf moved 300 miles away a few dates in and moved back down a few months later and we started to see each other again. It was a turbulent time for him, and IIRC you guys told me to ditch him too. Yes, I figured I wouldn't see him again, so I didn't get my hopes up, but I obviously gave him another chance and it was a pleasant surprise when he came back.

He says he was not seeing anyone else. He might have been, he might not have been, I didn't really care either way. My nonchalance about it should have opened him up to telling me the truth, at any rate.

Nooo idea why he'd leave a prospective gf a few dates in and expect her to give him another chance, but I did. (To this day I tell him how lucky he is that I didn't start dating someone else in his absence! ) Maybe it was stupid of me to do so, but his patience and devotion to me now proves otherwise.

AF knows this guy better than we do - we only can go by her descriptions of him, and frankly, it does sound like he's a guy who's unsure of what he wants and isn't quite as confident as his "experience" would lead people to believe. Doesn't mean he's seeing other women on the side or that he doesn't want a relationship with her full-stop. My bf was much more experienced than I was and he was still VERY slow to get physical, because he was nervous. Now all that's out the door and I can barely get his hands off me.

The main difference between me and AF right now is that I had basically assumed that a relationship was not imminent, and it was a pleasant surprise when he came back to me. But he still kept on coming back, even though we were still slow to develop anything physically. Sure he could have been playing me, but driving an hour each way just to play me...that's a lot of effort! AF doesn't have quite that reassurance, but again, she knows the guy better than we do, and I think it's presumptuous to think that this guy is just playing her based on what you'd do in the same circumstance.

My sister was slow to develop things with her bf as well, and he's very social (my own bf is a loner) AND much older than her. So just because a guy doesn't make a move right away doesn't mean he's not interested. It's AF's call right now.

 

[Hound55]

Wait... guys can "friend zone"?

When did we evolve that our hormones taper off that much to allow for that to happen..?

 

[steintym]

Angel, things don't sound good.

If the pace you were going were any slower you'd be going backwards.

I personally don't think he's that into you. He probably likes hanging out with you, but it seems he thinks of you as more of a buddy.

Just curious but does he pay when you go out?

 

[Angel_Faerie]

That's understandable and i'm glad that you guys are able to talk about it at least.

But it doesn't sound like he's much considering how you feel in all this.

It just seems like it's you making all the compromise and effort to accomodate him, and he's not meeting you half way at all. It's all about what he wants - but what do you want?

I mean, what are you getting out of this relationship bar all the paranoia of wondering when he'll finally make a move or if you should make a move or what it meant when his hand brushed past yours on the sofa?

Because it seems to me that what you want is a guy who wants to kiss you, not one who doesn't.

And as much as you feel like it's worth the wait with him... you have to put a time limit on that. At some point you have to stop and say 'yeah, i'm not waiting for you any more because your blatantly just stringing me along now and I deserve better than that'.

That's the kind of person I've always been. I try my best to accommodate everyone else and make them happy. Because when other people are happy, I'm happy.

What I'm getting out of this is fun. When we're together we almost always have a great time. I haven't laughed and smiled as much as when we're together in quite a while. The paranoia and all that comes from fear of that going away, whether through some fault of mine or otherwise.

But are YOU okay with that?

I mean are you saying it's fine because you rather have this or nothing?

I wouldn't settle for something just cause it's the only current opportunity. If you want more from this relationship and he doesn't, I would keep my options open.

I am ok with that for now. It's not like I'm in any hurry. Taking things slow gives me time to settle my nerves about things. I am getting a little impatient, but it's nothing I can't live with. Now, that doesn't mean I'm willing to wait forever. I have my limit. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I'll know if I've reached it.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Angel, things don't sound good.

If the pace you were going were any slower you'd be going backwards.

I personally don't think he's that into you. He probably likes hanging out with you, but it seems he thinks of you as more of a buddy.

Just curious but does he pay when you go out?

Usually, yes. Or, if he is low on cash, we go dutch. He absolutely refuses to let me pay for him.

 

[steintym]

Usually, yes. Or, if he is low on cash, we go dutch. He absolutely refuses to let me pay for him.

That's cool. I guess that's a good sign.

All that matters is you're having fun and cool with the situation, which it sounds like you are.

 

[Anita18]

That's cool. I guess that's a good sign.

All that matters is you're having fun and cool with the situation, which it sounds like you are.

Exactly. We're just assuming that AF wants a relationship right now now now now now NOW and that she'd be easily able to up and find another guy if this one won't give it to her.

Whereas I think she's more in my situation when I met my bf - single for a looong time, no experience, no other prospects. Sounds loserish but granted, I was still saying no to guys even at that point.