A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[terry78]

As soon as a female says she wants to be friends, that is your cue to pretty much get on outta Dodge.

 

[Anubis]

You can't be friends.

Cut your losses and move on. Learn from your mistake. The mistake being telling a chick you're clearly in the friendzone with(who also has a boyfriend) that you're in love with her.

If you want to steal somebodies girlfriend, the direct approach is not the way to go.

 

[SpideyVille]

But if he's not friends with her, how is he supposed to get with her once she dumps her loser jerk boyfriend just to be with him, her one real true love, after she realizes that he is the guy she's been waiting for all her life?

 

[Anubis]

Spot on. Spot on.

 

[LOBO3315a]

So this Christmas is is a first for me. No presents, no cards addressed to me, nothing.

So I'm wondering do I get depressed, or do take this as a lesson that there's only one person I can ever count on and that's me?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So this Christmas is is a first for me. No presents, no cards addressed to me, nothing.

So I'm wondering do I get depressed, or do take this as a lesson that there's only one person I can ever count on and that's me?

Well give me a context?

I mean, last year I didn't get even a card from my mum, but it was because her boyfriend and her were suddenly against all commericial holidays...

 

[LOBO3315a]

Here's the context: I'm a caretaker for my mom and all my friends live several hours from me. My family is all even further away and none of them seem remotely interested in helping out.

Basically, I'm alone with my disabled mom. Not exactly the best recipe for happy holiday.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm jealous of you honestly. I dread Christmas. I almost skipped out this year, lol. Yeah, I wouldn't to too bent out of shape for it. It's really more meaningful for kids and parents. There's no real pressure for the rest of us to have an amazing Christmas, as much as we all appreciate one. It might be a special day but really it's just another day. Wasn't even close to my best day this year, and I got a Tablet haha.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, I'm not really doing the Christmas thing this year because it hasn't felt the same as it did when I was young. The past few years have been the same, where it involves me and my mom going to my brother's house empty handed, just to see his kids open a ton of presents and brag in our face.

I also haven't been getting along with my family lately so I'm kinda dreading every holiday that involves families getting together. I don't hate the holiday, but rather the fact that I'm not spending it with people that I really care for. I think it'll get better when I have my own family and money to go around buying gifts for others, but right now it's just another day that I just want to get through without being bothered.

But just because things aren't great for you doesn't mean you still can't have a good time or that you should be bummed.

 

[Alonsovich]

So I live and study in Central Europe (small and snowy city), despite being spanish, and I came home for three weeks for the holidays. There's a female friend and classmate of mine that has been single for a long time (despite being quite attractive, must say) and all of a sudden she asked me last friday if she could come down to my city (350-something euro ticket to a spanish city that's not Madrid or Barcelona) to spend 3-4 days and if she could stay at my place. Is this what I think it is? Or I'm just reading too much into it and she just wants to escape the bad weather in Central Europe? I just don't know wtf to expect from women anymore... each gf and friend with benefits that I've had until now have made it even more and more confusing...


PS: Yes, she actually BOUGHT the plane ticket...

 

[LOBO3315a]

LOL, see, going places and doing things and receiving even 1 gift (even if it was something I didn't want) would have been better than what I'm doing.

Sitting here watching downloaded Christmas movies (Scrooged still makes me laugh). I wish I could sit and watch them with my mom, but her chain smoking makes it hard for me to be anywhere else in the house than my room with the windows open. At least if I were truly alone, I wouldn't feel as if someone doesn't care enough to stop their habit long enough to enjoy a few hours of interaction.

I've even finished all my quests on World of Warcraft. The only thing I really have to look forward to today is grilling some steaks for my mom and me later on. A few beers and the grill, even if it is overcast outside, might make it a better holiday.

Sorry for the pity party. Just needed to vent it all somewhere.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

So I have a massive crush on this girl. For a while, it was an on again/off again thing. About a week or two ago, I decided to grow a pair and tell her how I felt. At first, I was a little hesitant to do so. Not only was I afraid of her reaction, but also because she is in a committed relationship with a boyfriend who makes her happy. I'm not a fan of going in and wrecking other peoples' relationships, but this was something I felt I had to do if I was going to move on.

To make a long story short, I told her, and as you might be able to guess, the feelings weren't reciprocated. But she was really nice and cool about it, and we ended conversation with the promise that we would become "amazing friends." And we are. We're learning more and more about each other every day. Just yesterday (Christmas Eve) we spent hours talking to each other (via text). And instead of getting over her...I'm falling for her. She just might end up being my very first love. And it really does kill me to know we probably won't ever be together.

I know, I know, I sound pathetic. And you all probably have to deal with this sort of crap every day, and I apologize in advance if I'm annoying any of you with this question, but I have to ask...what the hell should I do?

EDIT: It felt really good getting that off my chest.

How old are you? In regards to advice, it depends. In a younger guy that is a typical learning experience. Do not repeat it either way.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Oh my God...my mother just told me that a man who hasn't been married in their twenties was probably gay. I have to laugh that off because, well she grew up in the 50's and times were much different back then. I have to say that a guy that hasn't gotten married in their 20's is being pretty smart because you change so much from one decade to the next. I think it's best to get married in your 30s when you'e starting to get the hang of who you are.

 

[Boy Scout]

Cut off all contact and move on to somebody else.

Moving on is something I do want to do. A part of me will always hope that we'll eventually get together, but I'm realistic enough to realize that it'll never happen, and I plan to actively start looking for someone else. Life is waaaaay too short to waste time on something that isn't remotely close to even maybe being a sure thing.

But I don't want to cut her out of my life. She's a good friend. We get along great, and romantic feelings aside, she's someone I can see myself becoming really good friends with. Plus, we take an acting class at school together, so doing scenes might be a little awkward if I suddenly just stop talking to her.

And to all those who celebrate it...Merry Christmas! And to those who don't...Happy Holidays!

 

[SpideyVille]

But I don't want to cut her out of my life. She's a good friend. We get along great, and romantic feelings aside, she's someone I can see myself becoming really good friends with. Plus, we take an acting class at school together, so doing scenes might be a little awkward if I suddenly just stop talking to her.

This is the biggest lie that every single one of us have told ourselves at one point or another whenever we liked a friend that didn't like us back. She my be cool and stuff, but the big reason why you may think she's a great friend or could be is because you want her to be that good of a friend, because you most likely won't get anything further than that with her. I've done it plenty of times and it always sucks and hurts even more when you realize you were sticking around for someone and didn't get what you want in the end.

You don't have to cut her out completely, but don't be so quick to go seek her to talk to. If anything, let her come to you, but never go to her unless its absolutely necessary, and even then, don't. Keep her at a distance because you're eally not going to suddenly fall out of love with her. Even if you find someone else, she'll still be in your mind and you'll compare every other girl to her.

And there were a couple of girls that I liked in my acting class but at the risk of making things awkward, I didn't go for it because of that exact reason. You save yourself a lot of stress and worry but not making this a problem and the best way to do that it to let her go. It'll be more awkward if she knows you like her and have feelings for her.

 

[Boy Scout]

As soon as a female says she wants to be friends, that is your cue to pretty much get on outta Dodge.

Yeah, I think the best thing to do would be to move on with my life. There is absolutely no point in waiting when there are literally billions of other women out there who are single and might feel the same way. But I'm saying, it won't be easy.

You can't be friends.

It's working well so far. But it would be stupid to not at least consider your advice, considering you're most likely more experienced at this sort of thing than I am.

And for what it's worth, it's not like we were complete and total strangers before I told her how I felt. We were friendly acquaintances, maybe a little more, since working on scenes in an acting class kind of requires you to get at least a little familiar with each other.

Cut your losses and move on. Learn from your mistake. The mistake being telling a chick you're clearly in the friendzone with(who also has a boyfriend) that you're in love with her.

I didn't tell her I was in love with her. I just told her I had feelings for her (basically a crush at the time), with the intention being to move on with my life and get it off my chest. Me falling in love with her (which, looking back on it, is too strong a term; I think what happened was that my "like" for her grew significantly) didn't come until after we started getting to know each other better.

I have to admit: a part of me was unrealistically hoping that she would suddenly feel the same way and break up with her boyfriend and get with me. But I was very much aware that that wasn't going to happen.

If you want to steal somebodies girlfriend, the direct approach is not the way to go.

That wasn't what I was trying to do. I'm not going to actively try and steal her from her boyfriend. I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, so I'm not going to do it to him.

But if he's not friends with her, how is he supposed to get with her once she dumps her loser jerk boyfriend just to be with him, her one real true love, after she realizes that he is the guy she's been waiting for all her life?

How old are you? In regards to advice, it depends. In a younger guy that is a typical learning experience. Do not repeat it either way.

I'm sixteen; she's fifteen.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

You're still at school? Arn't there any other girls there you could have went for that were not attached?
I have to say, when i was at high school I had to work up the courage to ask out a girl, even after a fellow girlfriend of hers had told me she was into me. I would never have dreamed of confessing feelings for a woman who was attached to someone.

It sounds to me like you have been living in a little make beleive world there, and have quite deliberately went for someone who was unattainable, so that reality didn't have a chance of crashing into your fantasy.
So, now you can play the tragic guy who the girl knows likes him, but can never be with.
I'm not surprised you take acting classes, it sounds like you are more into the drama of the situation.

Drop the doomed poet act, don't be going into your acting classes you share with this woman with a wounded romantic air in your head. Get in touch with reality, interact with other women at school and see if any kind of rapport strikes up between you both, then ask them out.
No sh** you are going to meet someone else.

 

[Boy Scout]

This is the biggest lie that every single one of us have told ourselves at one point or another whenever we liked a friend that didn't like us back. She my be cool and stuff, but the big reason why you may think she's a great friend or could be is because you want her to be that good of a friend, because you most likely won't get anything further than that with her. I've done it plenty of times and it always sucks and hurts even more when you realize you were sticking around for someone and didn't get what you want in the end.

I know what you mean. And I think that, to a certain extent, you're right. But I can look at this from an objective standpoint, and I can honestly say that, if I wasn't attracted to her in any way at all, that she would still be someone I would want to be good friends with. But having feelings for her really does complicate that a little bit. But I'm working on it. I'm not going to pine over her. That's pathetic. And actually, talking it out with you guys is actually helping me move on from this a little faster.

You don't have to cut her out completely, but don't be so quick to go seek her to talk to.

Oh, absolutely. I'm a little hesitant to be the one to initiate conversations. If she comes to me, great. We can talk for hours. But I don't think I'll be the one to text first.

If anything, let her come to you

She usually does.

but never go to her unless its absolutely necessary, and even then, don't. Keep her at a distance because you're eally not going to suddenly fall out of love with her. Even if you find someone else, she'll still be in your mind and you'll compare every other girl to her.

Yeah, I already know that's definitely going to happen.

And there were a couple of girls that I liked in my acting class but at the risk of making things awkward, I didn't go for it because of that exact reason. You save yourself a lot of stress and worry but not making this a problem and the best way to do that it to let her go. It'll be more awkward if she knows you like her and have feelings for her.

We've talked about the potential awkwardness of the situation. Her words were, "I guess. It's only awkward if you make it awkward. I won't treat you any differently." And she seemed sincere. And so far, she's been living up to her word.

You're still at school? Arn't there any other girls there you could have went for that were not attached?

Yes. I'm looking to get with one of them as we speak.

I have to say, when i was at high school I had to work up the courage to ask out a girl, even after a fellow girlfriend of hers had told me she was into me. I would never have dreamed of confessing feelings for a woman who was attached to someone.

It was to move on with my life. I'm not sure if I could have really moved on without telling her. If she was some random classmate who I don't really interact with, it would've been an entirely different story. But I think I needed some sort of closure, whether it would end up blowing up in my face or not. It would have been annoying looking at her every day and wanting to say sometihng, but never doing it.

It sounds to me like you have been living in a little make beleive world there, and have quite deliberately went for someone who was unattainable, so that reality didn't have a chance of crashing into your fantasy.

Nope. Not at all.

So, now you can play the tragic guy who the girl knows likes him, but can never be with.
I'm not surprised you take acting classes, it sounds like you are more into the drama of the situation.

Um...no. Not at all.

Drop the doomed poet act

don't be going into your acting classes you share with this woman with a wounded romantic air in your head.

I don't. There's nothing "tragic" about the situation and I certainly am not putting on the act of a "doomed poet." It's really not that serious. I'm a teenager, yes, but not one of the overdramatic ones you see on those crappy Degrassi shows. Life goes on. I know this. And it will go on, and it'll go faster if I put her behind me and seek out other women. Which...is the plan. Which...you would know if you read my other posts.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I didn't tell her I was in love with her. I just told her I had feelings for her (basically a crush at the time), with the intention being to move on with my life and get it off my chest. Me falling in love with her (which, looking back on it, is too strong a term; I think what happened was that my "like" for her grew significantly) didn't come until after we started getting to know each other better.

I have to admit: a part of me was unrealistically hoping that she would suddenly feel the same way and break up with her boyfriend and get with me. But I was very much aware that that wasn't going to happen.

I'm sixteen; she's fifteen.

aye, i didn't read this post when i replied before, but it pretty much confirms what i was saying, esp now you've given your age.

It sounds like you didn't have anything to move on from, so no point to telling her, apart from wanting some romantic drama in your life.
Y'know, you might've spoiled a friendship there, or made her feel uncomfortable about going to the acting classes.

aye man, like the Alex Ross Superman pic you posted, you gotta get your head out of the clouds if you want to have some kind of relationship on the go, I was like you in the past to an extent in that regard, so I can recognise it.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I don't. There's nothing "tragic" about the situation and I certainly am not putting on the act of a "doomed poet." It's really not that serious. I'm a teenager, yes, but not one of the overdramatic ones you see on those crappy Degrassi shows. Life goes on. I know this. And it will go on, and it'll go faster if I put her behind me and seek out other women. Which...is the plan. Which...you would know if you read my other posts.

eh, you posted that larger explanation while i was replying with that one, and i've now replied to that, i did read the previous posts on the matter.

and as i said, there doesn't seem to have been anything there to move on from, just a little crush, and if you can't move on from that kind of thing without having to confess it, well, you are gonna have problems.
It just sounds like you were into the drama of it, hence why you are talking about it here as well.

 

[Boy Scout]

aye, i didn't read this post when i replied before, but it pretty much confirms what i was saying, esp now you've given your age.

I admit: my age does play a factor in how I view certain situations. I am definitely not in love with this girl. That was me being overdramatic. At best, it's a strong crush. Which will eventually go away.

It sounds like you didn't have anything to move on from, so no point to telling her, apart from wanting some romantic drama in your life.

Wrong again. I'm not a fan of games or romantic drama. If I really wanted some drama, then I wouldn't have told her at all, and would have come in here complaining about this unattainable girl who I am so in love with, but can never have, because some *****ebag I don't even know swept her off her feet before I could work up the courage to take her for myself.

Y'know, you might've spoiled a friendship there, or made her feel uncomfortable about going to the acting classes.

Nope. I haven't. If anything, it's like she feels closer to me now. Before, we were just friendly classmates. Now I'd actually describe her as a friend.

aye man, like the Alex Ross Superman pic you posted

Thanks.

you gotta get your head out of the clouds

My feet are firmly on the ground, thank you.

if you want to have some kind of relationship on the go, I was like you in the past to an extent in that regard, so I can recognise it.

But I'm not you. You might have been like that, but I'm not. (No disrespect intended.)

 

[Boy Scout]

and as i said, there doesn't seem to have been anything there to move on from, just a little crush, and if you can't move on from that kind of thing without having to confess it, well, you are gonna have problems.

Nah. I've moved on from crushes before without saying a word. It's just that this was a constant on and off thing. Sometimes I liked her, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I looked at her and just saw a pretty girl from my acting class. Other times I saw a potential girlfriend. To make a long story short: it was an annoying thing to go through. So I figured that if I just told her how I felt, I'd finally stop this back-and-forth. And things have felt better after I confessed. Obviously, things aren't completely hunky dory, since I probably wouldn't have had to say anything if it were, but I think actually talking about it to the lot of you has helped me to really evaluate everything and see it from a more objective view. So, yeah, talking it out with her and you all has helped. I'm very confident now that this crush will eventually fade, and it'll happen all the faster when I get back to school and start talking to other girls.

Now...you can say that deciding to tell her was a very poor decision. And I can definitely see the logic in that. But it's not something I just rushed into. I actually thought about it for a couple of days. And it worked out for the better, luckily. And to be frank with you, I'm glad I did it, because now I won't have to look back and wonder what could have been.

It just sounds like you were into the drama of it, hence why you are talking about it here as well.

Not really. If I had it my way, I wouldn't have any feelings for her at all.

I posted here because this is the relationship advice thread. I came here for advice on a relationship. There's not much more to it than that.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

You are post-picking, and while doing so, avoiding my most pertinant point.

here it is, so you can't avoid it....

What was the point in telling her?

You say you weren't living in some fantasy, and weren't doing it to enjoy the drama of the situation right?
But, you did say that you did have an unrealistic hope that she would break up with her boyfriend to be with you....*that* is the fantasy I am talking about! haha

Also, you said that it was just a little crush, right? No big deal, that is the way you are talking about it, nothing serious...so if you need to confess your feelings to a woman every time you have a crush on her, because you can't move on without doing so, then, you are gonna have problems.
Because it means you have weak coping abilities.

It doesn;'t sound like you had anything much to move on from, and your coping abilities sound fine in this reagrd. It sounds to me like you were into the romantic drama of it all, and that's why you told her. You wanted to play it all out and get some kind of kick out of your crush, by bringing the woman into your little one man play.

I know you don't want to think of it like that, but that is how it reads to me.

edit:

Nah. I've moved on from crushes before without saying a word. It's just that this was a constant on and off thing. Sometimes I liked her, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I looked at her and just saw a pretty girl from my acting class. Other times I saw a potential girlfriend. To make a long story short: it was an annoying thing to go through. So I figured that if I just told her how I felt, I'd finally stop this back-and-forth. And things have felt better after I confessed. Obviously, things aren't completely hunky dory, since I probably wouldn't have had to say anything if it were, but I think actually talking about it to the lot of you has helped me to really evaluate everything and see it from a more objective view. So, yeah, talking it out with her and you all has helped.

Man, this just sounds like you are typing up a lot of fancy footwork explanations to avoid my point, which is...this is the very definition of a minor crush.

You would have had no problem moving on from that without telling her.

It sounds to me like you wanted to get a kick out of your crush before it went away, and to do that, bring her into it.

You could indulge your fantasy, and at the same time, have something in the realm of the romantic in your life to talk and think about.

So, now, you feel like you have some kind of connection with her that you didn't before, you are still getting a kick out of the crush, now you have that little hook into her and will get a thrill out of her knowing you like her and were brave enough to confess it, even when she had a bf.
So, you look like the brave tragic figure in her eyes, and you get a kick out of it.
That is my diagnosis kid, coming up with 'mature' sounding reasonings for it so you can bunch up with the adults and tell your tale, is also part of the kick you are getting out of the crush.
You love the drama.

 

[Boy Scout]

You are post-picking, and while doing so, avoiding my most pertinant point.

Okay. So let's just settle this now.

What was the point in telling her?

To get over her and the crush I have on her. I was tired of the on again/off again nature of it. I figured putting everything out in the open and getting everything off my chest would finally help settle things once and for all. Either I would feel better and all feelings would completely fade or I would be screwed. I thought the former would happen. And it is. And it's happening as we speak. Last night, when we were talking, I freely admit that I was firmly in the area of "screwed." But now that I've gotten the chance to rest on it and talk it out with you and everyone else here, I'm seeing it for what it truly was: a relapse. Nothing more or less.

You say you weren't living in some fantasy, and enjoying the drama of the situation right?

Correct.

But, you said that you did have an unrealistic hope that she would break up with her boyfriend to be with you

It was a very small hope. I didn't expect it to happen at all. But are you saying that you wouldn't have had that same hope if you were in my position? I think it's pretty natural to want something like that to hapen, if only a little. But since I knew it wouldn't, I wasn't surprised nor hurt by her rejection. It was a stupid, foolish, childish hope, and I can very easily admit that.

Also, you said that it was just a little crush, right? No big deal, that is the way you are talking about it, nothing serious...

Yeah. But it was just a really weird on again/off again thing that kept springing up and down whenever I least expected it. So I figured the best course of action would be to just put my feelings out there, with the hope that I would be able to get over her, because I don't see us getting together any time soon. Talking things out, instead of just avoiding them and hoping they'll go away, is better for me as an individual.

so if you need to confess your feelings to a woman every time you have a crush on her

No. This was the exception, not the rule.

because you can't move on without doing so, then, you are gonna have problems.

No, I think I'll be good. But to be honest, I can see why you would think that. But in all seriousness, I'm good. I've gotten over crushes beore without even saying a word to the girl. This was a special case, and one that I hope won't be repeating itself.

It doesn;'t sound like you had anything much to move on from

While I appreciate the concern, I think I would know. And I did. And to be honest, talking it out (with you and others) is helping move things along faster than it would have if I hadn't done so.

and it sounds to me like you were into the romantic drama of it all

Believ eme when I say I'm not into romantic drama. At all. I actually found the on again/off again thing irritating.

and that's why you told her. You wanted to play it all out and get some kind of kick out of your crush.

Maybe on some subconscious level. But overall? Definitelty not.

And I don't want to think of it like that because that's not what it is. If that's what you think it is, it's a result of me ineffiectively communicating everything that's went on, so that's my fault, not yours. But I'm telling you now: that isn't what it was/is.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I'm just gonna re-post what I edited into my post that you missed, as it covers how I feel on this,(and yr fancy footwork attempts in the latest post) and you still haven't given any kind of solid reason why you had to tell her.

This just sounds like you are typing up a lot of fancy footwork explanations to avoid my point, which is...this is the very definition of a minor crush and you would have had no problem moving on from that without telling her.

It sounds to me like you wanted to get a kick out of your crush before it went away, and to do that, bring her into it.

You could indulge your fantasy, and at the same time, have something in the realm of the romantic in your life to talk and think about.

So, now you feel like you have some kind of connection with her that you didn't before, you are still getting a kick out of the crush, now you have that little hook into her and will get a thrill out of her knowing you like her and were brave enough to confess it, even when she had a bf.
So, you look like the brave tragic figure in her eyes, and you get a kick out of it.
That is my diagnosis kid, coming up with 'mature' sounding reasonings for it so you can bunch up with the adults and tell your tale, is also part of the kick you are getting out of the crush.
You love the drama.