Attack of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[WillardNation]

Yeah, it's so annoying. I just wear my contacts all the time and keep my glasses for emergencies. Plus, I do way too many physical things to wear glasses; they would fly off all the time and I can't see more than a foot in front of me clearly.

 

[enterthemadness]

Lol blind as a bat. like me.

 

[SpideyVille]

The only reason I started wearing contacts was because for some reason, in middle school, when we played basketball in gym, my face would either get hit by a ball or someone clumsy and my glasses would break.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, it's so annoying. I just wear my contacts all the time and keep my glasses for emergencies. Plus, I do way too many physical things to wear glasses; they would fly off all the time and I can't see more than a foot in front of me clearly.

Yeah I don't do a lot of physical stuff. If I went say, skiing more regularly, I'd definitely think more about Lasik. But the only thing I do that could possibly result in my glasses flying off is ice skating, and they don't come off my face during falls or spins, so I should be okay. Not to mention I don't do it much anymore.

The only reason I started wearing contacts was because for some reason, in middle school, when we played basketball in gym, my face would either get hit by a ball or someone clumsy and my glasses would break.

Yeah, I have bad luck with any sports that involves flying projectiles. One of the aforementioned projectiles always manages to hit me in the head.

 

[Anita18]

Well I meant I could do better in terms of how people say someone is out of their league. So if I were to rate myself a 5 or 6, I wouldn't even dare talk to someone that was a 7 or an 8. But by being more confident now, I'm slowly breaking away from that mentality of not being able to talk to certain girls because they're "out of my league" since that range has been expanding.

I don't believe in leagues either. Someone's 6 could be someone else's 10. It really means nothing.

Yeah I still have to learn how to be inspirational without coming across as controlling or persuasive. I guess that has more to do with how I always want to help people, since I have a sort of superhero complex deep down inside.

Well I love to help people too, but I also don't want to be intrusive and tell them to do what I want them to do, you know? I only help people who clearly need it, and it's only superficial stuff, like helping with software or computers. Not like, trying to get them to quit smoking. That's too big a job.

Well I don't exactly want kids right away. I mean I still want to have a good 5-10 years in a relationship before kids. But deep down inside that's where I hope to end up at. Like I see my brother and his wife and kids, and even though I don't like his kids, part of me feels a little envious of what he has, aside from the fact that he has his kids in his early twenties. I don't want to have kids until I'm at least 30.

I think that's what a lot of people want too, so you're certainly not alone in that!

I hate that too. It almost like you have to do the Batman thing wear you can only see if you move your entire head because there's no real peripheral vision.

I've worn mine for so long, that I can accurately approximate what's happening even though my peripheral vision is blurry. I literally cannot see 3 inches in front of my face clearly.

 

[Hound55]

Yeah, it's so annoying. I just wear my contacts all the time and keep my glasses for emergencies. Plus, I do way too many physical things to wear glasses; they would fly off all the time and I can't see more than a foot in front of me clearly.

Rock the big Horace Grant goggles...

 

[SpideyVille]

I don't believe in leagues either. Someone's 6 could be someone else's 10. It really means nothing.

I'm starting to not believe it as much anymore because I think it all balances out a little on the looks/personality scale. Like a 10 in looks could have a 4 in personality, but a 6 in looks could have an 8 in personality, but at that point, you need to get to know a person in order to make a decision on what they are to you.

Well I love to help people too, but I also don't want to be intrusive and tell them to do what I want them to do, you know? I only help people who clearly need it, and it's only superficial stuff, like helping with software or computers. Not like, trying to get them to quit smoking. That's too big a job.

That's actually what I was afraid of had my friend set me up with her friend who smokes. I wouldn't really tell her to quit or to stop, but I know at some point I would at least try to convince her that it's not healthy and that maybe she should stop. I know that wouldn' most likely not end well, since its hard to be around someone who smokes, let alone date them.

I think that's what a lot of people want too, so you're certainly not alone in that!

My problem is letting a girl know this, especially the kind of girls that I'm always around. I feel like a lot of them only think I'm trying to hit on them for one thing, when really my intentions are never that. I don't have "game" so that why it's always been hard to try and flirt with girls.

 

[ComicChick]

i have glasses cuz i'm nearsighted, and i've gotten a lot of compliments on them but i really only wear them when i'm driving or to the movies.

i don't wear them at work because they constantly defrost/fog up in the freezers

 

[Anita18]

I'm starting to not believe it as much anymore because I think it all balances out a little on the looks/personality scale. Like a 10 in looks could have a 4 in personality, but a 6 in looks could have an 8 in personality, but at that point, you need to get to know a person in order to make a decision on what they are to you.

Well it also depends on how they're put together, unless the person is a natural stunner who looks gorgeous no matter what. Like, right now I'm at work in no makeup, slightly wonky hair, and t-shirts/jeans/sneakers, and I think I'd be a 6 on most people's scales. But dress me up and put me in makeup, I could be a 10. The "scale" very ephemeral and doesn't tell you much.

And even then it's down to personal preference. I think Natalie Portman is the most naturally beautiful person in the history of the universe, but my friend thinks she's rather plain. We both drool for James Marsden though, that man is too beautiful to be real.

That's actually what I was afraid of had my friend set me up with her friend who smokes. I wouldn't really tell her to quit or to stop, but I know at some point I would at least try to convince her that it's not healthy and that maybe she should stop. I know that wouldn' most likely not end well, since its hard to be around someone who smokes, let alone date them.

Yeah I don't date smokers. Just too much to deal with.

My problem is letting a girl know this, especially the kind of girls that I'm always around. I feel like a lot of them only think I'm trying to hit on them for one thing, when really my intentions are never that. I don't have "game" so that why it's always been hard to try and flirt with girls.

Hm, weird. Maybe it's the wrong kind of assumption you have about them? Or something that you're giving off? Even in high school, some of the guys who you'd think were totally players, were in long-term faithful relationships.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well it also depends on how they're put together, unless the person is a natural stunner who looks gorgeous no matter what. Like, right now I'm at work in no makeup, slightly wonky hair, and t-shirts/jeans/sneakers, and I think I'd be a 6 on most people's scales. But dress me up and put me in makeup, I could be a 10. The "scale" very ephemeral and doesn't tell you much.

And even then it's down to personal preference. I think Natalie Portman is the most naturally beautiful person in the history of the universe, but my friend thinks she's rather plain. We both drool for James Marsden though, that man is too beautiful to be real.

I've never really been a big fan of make-up when it's obvious that the girl is wearing makeup. Like I prefer the more natural/little makeup look. But then of course, I don't really know what the whole makeup process is or the different type of ways to apply it, so I can't really comment on which looks are better. But I guess I prefer girls who don't look like they spent all day trying to look their best.

Yeah I don't date smokers. Just too much to deal with.

A friend of mine told me it was like dating a zombie. Personally, I just find it as a huge turn-off to even the most attractive women.

Hm, weird. Maybe it's the wrong kind of assumption you have about them? Or something that you're giving off? Even in high school, some of the guys who you'd think were totally players, were in long-term faithful relationships.

I mean maybe I'm assuming that that's what they're thinking. But I feel like some of the more attractive girls that know that they're attractive and are constantly hit on get hit on so much that it just seems like every guy that approaches them is just trying to hit on them. So if I do talk to them, I try to make it clear that I'm not hitting on them, but that just leads to the friend zone or just her not being attractive to me. It's just getting to that first step that has me so hung up.

 

[Anita18]

I've never really been a big fan of make-up when it's obvious that the girl is wearing makeup. Like I prefer the more natural/little makeup look. But then of course, I don't really know what the whole makeup process is or the different type of ways to apply it, so I can't really comment on which looks are better. But I guess I prefer girls who don't look like they spent all day trying to look their best.

I mean maybe I'm assuming that that's what they're thinking. But I feel like some of the more attractive girls that know that they're attractive and are constantly hit on get hit on so much that it just seems like every guy that approaches them is just trying to hit on them. So if I do talk to them, I try to make it clear that I'm not hitting on them, but that just leads to the friend zone or just her not being attractive to me. It's just getting to that first step that has me so hung up.

See, those things don't really go together for me. The girls that know they're attractive, they're usually the ones spending an hour every day on their hair and makeup. Their looks are important to them, because they KNOW how attractive they are and want to flaunt it. The younger guys give them that attention, which is why they keep at it all the time.

The ones who don't care as much are girls like schlumpy ol' me who rarely get hit on. Which is sort of funny because older women often tell me I'm a natural beauty and I'm like, " Is this why when I DO get hit on, it's by older men?" I'm practically invisible to guys my age. My bf's an old soul, he's an exception.

 

[WillardNation]

If I can think of one thing that is an absolute deal breaker, it's smoking. Having kids was always another one but the girl I'm starting to see now has a kid so I guess there goes that.

I mean maybe I'm assuming that that's what they're thinking. But I feel like some of the more attractive girls that know that they're attractive and are constantly hit on get hit on so much that it just seems like every guy that approaches them is just trying to hit on them. So if I do talk to them, I try to make it clear that I'm not hitting on them, but that just leads to the friend zone or just her not being attractive to me. It's just getting to that first step that has me so hung up.

Yeah, the key isn't to make them think you're not hitting on them because you will never get anywhere. You just can't hit on them the same way that every other guy is hitting on them. You gotta stand out and, out of all the schmucks hitting on them, be the one they like better than the rest of the schmucks. Making them legitimately laugh usually works. People always think highly of the person making them laugh.

The ones who don't care as much are girls like schlumpy ol' me who rarely get hit on. Which is sort of funny because older women often tell me I'm a natural beauty and I'm like, " Is this why when I DO get hit on, it's by older men?" I'm practically invisible to guys my age. My bf's an old soul, he's an exception.

I'm really curious as to what you look like.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, the key isn't to make them think you're not hitting on them because you will never get anywhere. You just can't hit on them the same way that every other guy is hitting on them. You gotta stand out and, out of all the schmucks hitting on them, be the one they like better than the rest of the schmucks. Making them legitimately laugh usually works. People always think highly of the person making them laugh.

What about being genuinely interested in them as people instead of merely "hitting on them?"

Or is that not what you guys do around here?

I'm really curious as to what you look like.

Time to play "what celebrity do I look like!" I always thought I looked like a younger Asian version of Minnie Driver. Except much skinnier. To be honest, I think I'm right in the middle of whichever scale people come up with - not exception enough on either end of the scale to distract people from my actual abilities.

 

[terry78]

I find it pretty funny how many dudes on here have non-smoker as criteria. I remember in the golden era a chick that DIDN'T smoke was a sign you wanted to steer clear of her.

 

[WillardNation]

What about being genuinely interested in them as people instead of merely "hitting on them?"

Or is that not what you guys do around here?

I would argue that "hitting on them" doesn't imply that you aren't genuinely interested in them.

Time to play "what celebrity do I look like!" I always thought I looked like a younger Asian version of Minnie Driver. Except much skinnier. To be honest, I think I'm right in the middle of whichever scale people come up with - not exception enough on either end of the scale to distract people from my actual abilities.

You had me at Asian.

 

[Anita18]

I find it pretty funny how many dudes on here have non-smoker as criteria. I remember in the golden era a chick that DIDN'T smoke was a sign you wanted to steer clear of her.

Was that before they discovered that it constricted blood vessels?

I would argue that "hitting on them" doesn't imply that you aren't genuinely interested in them.

Well I think a lot of guys are more concerned about impressing them than actually getting to know them at that stage.

You had me at Asian.

Yeah, need I say that all of the older men who hit on me are white? They usually back off when I start talking circles around them - CLEARLY they didn't expect the anti-demure young Asian woman. The Asian guys must pick up on it immediately because I'm never hit on by Asian guys.

My bf is white, but he lets me be smart.

 

[WillardNation]

My attraction to Asian women has nothing to do with them being demure. Is that a stereotype I'm unaware of?

 

[Anubis]

I really like porn star Yasmin Lee, and that "chick" is in no way demure.

In fact, she scares me a little.....in a good way.

 

[Anita18]

My attraction to Asian women has nothing to do with them being demure. Is that a stereotype I'm unaware of?

Yeah, the "me love you long time" thing.

Or that could be what I picked up from the pair of gross old white men sitting in a row in front of me on a flight to Taiwan. They got drunk and talked for HOURS about how Asian women were so much better than white women because Asian women would actually give you the time of day. I wanted to ask if that wasn't because they were rich white Americans who could get them out of Thailand or Vietnam or wherever, but I didn't because that might have resulted in them hitting on me because I might have given them the time of day.

Longest. Flight. Ever.

 

[Anubis]

That's your problem. I don't fly anywhere without sleeping pills, booze, and an MP3 player.

 

[SpideyVille]

See, those things don't really go together for me. The girls that know they're attractive, they're usually the ones spending an hour every day on their hair and makeup. Their looks are important to them, because they KNOW how attractive they are and want to flaunt it. The younger guys give them that attention, which is why they keep at it all the time.

The ones who don't care as much are girls like schlumpy ol' me who rarely get hit on. Which is sort of funny because older women often tell me I'm a natural beauty and I'm like, " Is this why when I DO get hit on, it's by older men?" I'm practically invisible to guys my age. My bf's an old soul, he's an exception.

I have a friend who I would definitely say is attractive. but one day I bumped into her and she took her off sunglasses and she had a lot of makeup on around her eyes to the point where it was very noticeable, and it made me flinch for a second because I wasn't expecting it. Not that she looked bad or anything, but just that I thought she looked better without it. I guess sometimes it looks like girls try too hard to look good and that doesn't excite me as much.

If I can think of one thing that is an absolute deal breaker, it's smoking. Having kids was always another one but the girl I'm starting to see now has a kid so I guess there goes that.

I think after you reach a certain age, it starts to et harder to find a girl who doesn't have at least one kid. I mean I know a bunch of girls in one of my classes that have kids and I wouldn't expect it because they still look young and stress free even though they're raising the kids on their own.

But I know for me personally, I would still want to stay away from that unless the girl was absolutely worth it. Like I said earlier, I want a family, but not right away.

Yeah, the key isn't to make them think you're not hitting on them because you will never get anywhere. You just can't hit on them the same way that every other guy is hitting on them. You gotta stand out and, out of all the schmucks hitting on them, be the one they like better than the rest of the schmucks. Making them legitimately laugh usually works. People always think highly of the person making them laugh.

Yea, I've gotta learn how to develop "game" when it comes to approaching a girl and chatting her up because according to my friend, I have none. It's almost like I don't know how to seize the moment or opportunity to approach people in general. Like even at comic con I missed so many opportunity to either take a picture of or with someone.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Okay, I've been thinking very long and very hard about this all night and I thought it best to write it down. This is basically my itinerary to finding the romance that I deserve, and it all starts with just tiny little changes I can start to implement.

1.) I really need to start jettisoning some "dead weight" influences who are doing nothing but keeping me down and making me feel like trash. For example: The guy who sent his little pitbulls (And female ones at that.) in last night while I was working to insult me by saying I was an "ass" under their breath as they were entering and being well, you know whats. I freely admit I can be a nasty person when you tick me off by playing mindgames and degrading me. But you know, they were the ones calling me "Tiny Tim" and that kind of stuff in reference to my fondness for singing opera so yeah, my being an "ass" to him is a pretty fair retaliation.

2.) I need to start scouring the globe if I must for people who are real friends, who would stick by me when I'm happy and when I'm feeling a bit testy. I need men and women who will make me feel good about myself with genuine affection for who I am, not people who basically want to make me feel bad because I don't tow the line like they do. Also I need people who can make me feel beautiful on the inside as well as the outside as long as the outer beauty is something I approve of. That and I need genuine friends who can give me the confidence I need to be the person I want to be. I also need to surround myself with people who won't get me hurt or killed because they're irresponsible a-holes who don't even care about their own lives.

3.) Once I am in comfortable control of myself and everything around me (Yeah, I admit I'm a control freak. I have to have a say on everything that pertains to me whether they like it or not.) I'll feel much freer to start seriously looking for a man to be my mate and hopefully partner in marriage down the line. If it's one of the male friends I've made, whether they're single or divorced according to the Biblical guidelines I've posted previously, who has developed feelings for me that would be all the better because we'd be pretty familiar with each other's personalities and flaws.

Anyways, I'm not going to rush into anything just yet in terms of a serious relationship. I do kind of want an old fashioned type romance where things are taken pretty slow because I want to savor the moment, not speed on through it. I'm also taking my time because situations and marital statuses change. I want a pretty fair playing field when I fall for a decent man in the future so to speak.

 

[Cuyan]

Yea, I've gotta learn how to develop "game" when it comes to approaching a girl and chatting her up because according to my friend, I have none. It's almost like I don't know how to seize the moment or opportunity to approach people in general.

If you continue to think of it as "game" as opposed to conversation, I don't see how your situation will improve. In a "game", or if "game" is being employed, there will be a winner and loser thus resulting in the fear of rejection. If you shift your perspective away from game and towards having conversation, you will find that the fear lessens as the end-goal is different.

Like even at comic con I missed so many opportunity to either take a picture of or with someone.

I don't know if this was the best example to support your point. Having the opportunity to take a picture next to a female at a comic convention should not shape the way you perceive your "ability" to talk to women.

Finding someone to spend your time with is not always easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. Remove the stress of thinking about it like a race or competition with something at stake and just think about it like experience. It will be these experiences that shape and dictate how you approach everyone else you meet, why not enjoy it?

 

[SpideyVille]

Just a little update on my situation. My friend told me that her friend didn't even go to comic-con this past weekend, so I'm glad that I found a way to really enjoy myself there, which hasn't happened in a really long time. But I've decided to not even bother my friend about her anymore because it doesn't seem to be worth the time or stress that I know I will put on myself. Plus, I've very confident that I can do better.

If you continue to think of it as "game" as opposed to conversation, I don't see how your situation will improve. In a "game", or if "game" is being employed, there will be a winner and loser thus resulting in the fear of rejection. If you shift your perspective away from game and towards having conversation, you will find that the fear lessens as the end-goal is different.

I don't know if this was the best example to support your point. Having the opportunity to take a picture next to a female at a comic convention should not shape the way you perceive your "ability" to talk to women.

Finding someone to spend your time with is not always easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. Remove the stress of thinking about it like a race or competition with something at stake and just think about it like experience. It will be these experiences that shape and dictate how you approach everyone else you meet, why not enjoy it?

You know, I've never really looked at it this way. I always feel like I have something to lose and that has always been enough to stop me from trying. And like I mentioned above, its been a while since I just relaxed and had fun outside of my house. I really do need to start living life to its fullest instead of constantly worrying about things like whether a girl will like me or not.

And what I meant about the pictures thing is more about people in general. I'm pretty shy to approach people in general, so it's even harder when I'm trying to approach a female that I'm interested in.

 

[Cuyan]

In my experience it seems as though shyness comes from insecurity. Knowing that, it becomes easier to strike up conversation with new people, female or otherwise, simply because they would know nothing about you, hence there would be nothing to be insecure about.