Attack of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[SpideyVille]

The truth is that I'm not always about the rage. I'm pretty much a keeping it to myself kind of guy in general.

Hey man, same here. In fact, there's been times where I would be mad at a couple of girls after I liked them, but even with all that anger inside, I was still nice and courteous to them because that's just my nature. It's hard for me to go curse some girl out, or people in general.

My point is just don't let the past hinder your future. I mean, what if you meet the perfect girl tomorrow, but you're so caught up in what happened to you with other girls that you fail to recognize her or even give her a chance. Bad experiences help you understand what mistakes not to make. But if you avoid even putting yourself in a position to make a mistake, you're only hurting yourself even more because now you're not even trying.

It sucks that some people have a harder time getting into a relationship than others, but just don't look for something to blame or some excuse to make for why something didn't work out. Trust me, you waste a lot more valuable time that way.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Hey man, same here. In fact, there's been times where I would be mad at a couple of girls after I liked them, but even with all that anger inside, I was still nice and courteous to them because that's just my nature. It's hard for me to go curse some girl out, or people in general.

My point is just don't let the past hinder your future. I mean, what if you meet the perfect girl tomorrow, but you're so caught up in what happened to you with other girls that you fail to recognize her or even give her a chance. Bad experiences help you understand what mistakes not to make. But if you avoid even putting yourself in a position to make a mistake, you're only hurting yourself even more because now you're not even trying.

It sucks that some people have a harder time getting into a relationship than others, but just don't look for something to blame or some excuse to make for why something didn't work out. Trust me, you waste a lot more valuable time that way.

I would waste alot more time regardless of what I do, I might get flack for this, but perhaps I should just stick with talking to girls on the net when it comes to the relationship and significant other side. It still seems that I am more effective and likable on the internet than I am in real life when it comes to girls.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I haven't gone anywhere just for that reason.

Being myself doesn't work. Being respectful doesn't work, and as for approaching women who like playing hard to get? They can kiss my hairy behind. I'm not going to put up with that sexist and offensive crap.

Most women don't want to rush to bone you, sorry. Women are much more likely to hook up with someone who they've known for a bit. It's safer and doesn't feel as personally invasive. From my experience things run much smoother with casual acquaintances or people who are familiar with 'my group'. If you imagine women as buyers (which they are according to biology); can you imagine driving a car you know nothing about? That's an unsettling way to make a "purchase" and generally why copious amounts of alcohol are involved in random hook ups.

I digress

This is basically where you fail at "the Game". It's not "playing hard to get", it's "not wanting to have sex with you right away". Sex is no small thing ESPECIALLY if you like someone, then she's really not going to want to jump the gun. A girl who is going to screw you right away is going to do that to just about anyone, FYI. Most girls will reward you for patience because it proves you'll put up with their nonsense - and believe me they all have nonsense.

To put it more bluntly: QUIT ACTING LIKE A B****. That's your problem! Confident nice guys and CONFIDENT jerks - I'm a bit of both - don't use sex as validation.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Oh here is another tale I forgot, this one chick was dead set on coming to visit me and she never did. She even went as far as making a shout out sign, this girl was really screwed up and kinky sounding and was the real thing when it came to her true form, some chick from Vampire Freaks. Like she wanted severe beatings.
After the trip that never materialized, I still talked to her until I got so pissed off that I deleted her. She even sent me a nude pic of her and made a video.

Since you said she was coming to visit you, I'm going to assume this was a internet relationship and she was from pretty far away. Plenty of things could get in the way of something like that, it's no reason to really get pissed about. It was a first date that never happened, not really a tale.

 

[SpideyVille]

I would waste alot more time regardless of what I do, I might get flack for this, but perhaps I should just stick with talking to girls on the net when it comes to the relationship and significant other side. It still seems that I am more effective and likable on the internet than I am in real life when it comes to girls.

Again, I had this same issue. A girl I liked even told me she wished I was more like I was online when we spoke in person. Its because you are forced to connect on a talking level and not a physical one, so the pressure is not as much and she can't see how you're acting, whether you're cool and confident or nervous and scared unless you express that in your writing.

Its like Erz said earlier, its a numbers game. Talk to a hundred girls and eventually at least one will be interested. The point is even if its easier to talk online and there's nothing wrong with that, but you'll eventually have to meet in person and how you act in person isn't going to change unless you make an effort.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Since you said she was coming to visit you, I'm going to assume this was a internet relationship and she was from pretty far away. Plenty of things could get in the way of something like that, it's no reason to really get pissed about. It was a first date that never happened, not really a tale.

Actually, the plan wasn't to date.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Again, I had this same issue. A girl I liked even told me she wished I was more like I was online when we spoke in person. Its because you are forced to connect on a talking level and not a physical one, so the pressure is not as much and she can't see how you're acting, whether you're cool and confident or nervous and scared unless you express that in your writing.

Its like Erz said earlier, its a numbers game. Talk to a hundred girls and eventually at least one will be interested. The point is even if its easier to talk online and there's nothing wrong with that, but you'll eventually have to meet in person and how you act in person isn't going to change unless you make an effort.

I'm aware that you would have to meet in person and am aware of the fact that your act isn't going to change unless you change it.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Most women don't want to rush to bone you, sorry. Women are much more likely to hook up with someone who they've known for a bit. It's safer and doesn't feel as personally invasive. From my experience things run much smoother with casual acquaintances or people who are familiar with 'my group'. If you imagine women as buyers (which they are according to biology); can you imagine driving a car you know nothing about? That's an unsettling way to make a "purchase" and generally why copious amounts of alcohol are involved in random hook ups.

I digress

This is basically where you fail at "the Game". It's not "playing hard to get", it's "not wanting to have sex with you right away". Sex is no small thing ESPECIALLY if you like someone, then she's really not going to want to jump the gun. A girl who is going to screw you right away is going to do that to just about anyone, FYI. Most girls will reward you for patience because it proves you'll put up with their nonsense - and believe me they all have nonsense.

To put it more bluntly: QUIT ACTING LIKE A B****. That's your problem! Confident nice guys and CONFIDENT jerks - I'm a bit of both - don't use sex as validation.

That's easy for you to say, you aren't in my shoes. If you want me to quit acting like a ***** then you're going to have to kill me, cut off my hands, or put me in a vegetative state.
Confidence in what?

 

[S.A.A.D.]

People need to stop acting like confidence is this type of materialistic thing that one can see. No one bothers to explain what one should have confidence in when it comes to dating and relationships, it's always "Be confident" or "Have confidence".

 

[Anita18]

That's easy for you to say, you aren't in my shoes. If you want me to quit acting like a ***** then you're going to have to kill me, cut off my hands, or put me in a vegetative state.

Despite us not knowing what it's like to be in anyone's shoes, a good way to gauge your own POV is to see it as if you're a stranger being told of the situation. Oftentimes we really DO make things more complicated than it really should, and pretending that you're a third party often helps.

I mean, what did you think our reaction would be when you told us you were rejected by two girls who claimed they liked you?

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Despite us not knowing what it's like to be in anyone's shoes, a good way to gauge your own POV is to see it as if you're a stranger being told of the situation. Oftentimes we really DO make things more complicated than it really should, and pretending that you're a third party often helps.

I mean, what did you think our reaction would be when you told us you were rejected by two girls who claimed they liked you?

I didn't think about how you guys would react, like at all.

 

[Anubis]

People need to stop acting like confidence is this type of human being that you can see. No one bothers to explain what one should have confidence in when it comes to dating and relationships, it's always "Be confident" or "Have confidence".

Uhhhh, confidence in yourself?

That you are deserving of a good person?

You know, essentially the opposite of you.

Seek help dude. Or *********e more.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Uhhhh, confidence in yourself?

That you are deserving of a good person?

You know, essentially the opposite of you.

Seek help dude. Or *********e more.

Thanks, d****.

*updates his ignore list

 

[Anita18]

I didn't think about how you guys would react, like at all.

Then what was the point of sharing that story? You obviously wanted us to react in some way.

I dunno, it's actually a pretty interesting exercise and keeps drama in check.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Then what was the point of sharing that story? You obviously wanted us to react in some way.

I dunno, it's actually a pretty interesting exercise and keeps drama in check.

I wasn't looking for a certain type of reaction.
In other words, if a guy wasn't thinking about how people would react to what he was going to say then therefor he isn't entitled to sharing whatever it is. Might as well say that I said what I said just for ***** and giggles. Sharing a disappointing story from my life helps me emotionally heal and get better.

 

[Anubis]

Thanks, d****.

*updates his ignore list

Good, I'm on ignore again. So he can't see this.

I feel sorry for him. It's like, he doesn't realize that his main problem is himself. I really think he should see a shrink. Otherwise, he might end up going on a killing spree or something. The guys posts just pulsate with rage.

 

[Anita18]

I wasn't looking for a certain type of reaction.

In other words, if a guy wasn't thinking about how people would react to what he was going to say then therefor he isn't entitled to sharing whatever it is. Might as well say that I said what I said just for ***** and giggles.

Alrighty then.

But think about it - if someone else here was telling your story and you were one of us instead of the asker, what sort of advice would you give him?

 

[S.A.A.D.]

Alrighty then.

But think about it - if someone else here was telling your story and you were one of us instead of the asker, what sort of advice would you give him?

Hmm. If I come up with some example, then I'll get back to you on that.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

That's easy for you to say, you aren't in my shoes. If you want me to quit acting like a ***** then you're going to have to kill me, cut off my hands, or put me in a vegetative state.
Confidence in what?

There's nothing great about having anything (except money) because one day and some day soon it'll all go to sh** and die anyways. So at heart we're all manufacturing confidence. Everyone does something well. Why the heck is Jack Black confident? I mean seriously is he good at anything? Everybody enevitably plays through their flaws, those that play better are confident. Confidence means recognizing your faults and learning to not be ashamed of them because everyone has them just as bad.

If you lack confidence you just make assumptions about people to justify your inevitable inferiority. Therefore you can develop complexes, sometimes sexual that this group is holding you back. Therefore you assume that [women] act or think in a way that's fundamentally different your own. Then you tend to make assumptions and try to manipulate your way into that group. Instead of appealing to people on a comfortable emotional level, you try to rationalize their behavior. This would be why you have outburst to those who try to tell you otherwise.

 

[Anita18]

Let's bring this back to the warm and fuzzy. I totally went "Awww" (with a bit of ) when I read this just now.

The young woman reaches out to hold the young man’s right hand, and knows immediately that she has transgressed. For one thing, the hand feels wrong. Somehow the muscles in it don’t react in the precise way muscles in a hand should. She doesn’t know this empirically, of course. Her knowledge is instantaneous and born of instinct; besides, there is no way she could know that his right hand was a victim of childhood polio, or that he has spent a lifetime cultivating ways to use it that make it impossible for an observer to tell it lacks full functionality.

Worse than the lame muscles, however, is his reaction. She somehow knows, in the same way she had known that his hand was wrong, that he is ashamed and wants her to let go. Wants her to forget whatever she might or might not have felt. Wants to leave. She feels him trying to pull away, shaking off her touch.

And then the young woman does something unexpected, something that no one has ever done with the young man. She doesn’t let go. In fact, she strengthens her grip. She will later remember pouring everything into that grip, willing him to know without her speaking that she knows his secret, and that she doesn’t care. That even if she still lacks the courage to say it out loud, her feelings for him have already taken root.

It is their second date, and already she loves his imperfect hand.

And after a panicky minute he seems to know this. She feels his hand slowly relax, and then grip back just as tightly. He says nothing out loud, but she hears him nonetheless: “If you’ll really take me as I am, then I am yours for as long as you might have me.”

http://ordinary-gentlemen.com/blog/2011/10/06/the-second-second-date-story/

Reminds me of how my bf kept coming back even though I was going through a really severe period of stuttering when we first started dating. Most people get uncomfortable and shy away from it, but he didn't.

When someone wants you anyway even if they know you're imperfect, that's when you know they're a keeper.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

There's nothing great about having anything (except money) because one day and some day soon it'll all go to sh** and die anyways. So at heart we're all manufacturing confidence. Everyone does something well. Why the heck is Jack Black confident? I mean seriously is he good at anything? Everybody enevitably plays through their flaws, those that play better are confident. Confidence means recognizing your faults and learning to not be ashamed of them because everyone has them just as bad.

If you lack confidence you just make assumptions about people to justify your inevitable inferiority. Therefore you can develop complexes, sometimes sexual that this group is holding you back. Therefore you assume that [women] act or think in a way that's fundamentally different your own. Then you tend to make assumptions and try to manipulate your way into that group. Instead of appealing to people on a comfortable emotional level, you try to rationalize their behavior. This would be why you have outburst to those who try to tell you otherwise.

Agreed, I mean we do produce confidence when it fizzles out (well if you ask me it completely vanishes from time to time). As for me rationalizing their behavior? What can I say? I'm human and it's human nature to try to make sense of people's behavior. I'm not the only one who tries to make sense of people's behavior.

 

[SpideyVille]

If you lack confidence you just make assumptions about people to justify your inevitable inferiority. Therefore you can develop complexes, sometimes sexual that this group is holding you back. Therefore you assume that [women] act or think in a way that's fundamentally different your own. Then you tend to make assumptions and try to manipulate your way into that group. Instead of appealing to people on a comfortable emotional level, you try to rationalize their behavior. This would be why you have outburst to those who try to tell you otherwise.

I think I might just have to use this for myself because I've been guilty of doing the same thing in the past. In fact, last night I told one of my very good friends that I was sorry for judging her when I first met her because I always assumed that she was one of those typical hot girls that are stuck up and only think of themselves. But she surprises me everyday with how much she cares about people and is willing to help others. Ideally we are completely opposite yet somehow this works in favor of the friendship.

As for the confidence stuff, I agree. I always used to feel like I had to hide certain things about myself because they were faults of mine, but then I realized everyone is insecure about something, so there's no reason to feel like I am the worst of them all.

Agreed, I mean we do produce confidence when it fizzles out (well if you ask me it completely vanishes from time to time). As for me rationalizing their behavior? What can I say? I'm human and it's human nature to try to make sense of people's behavior. I'm not the only one who tries to make sense of people's behavior.

No, you're not the only one. But his point is that you use that as your way of giving yourself an excuse to not go after certain people or to give certain things a try, and that's where it becomes a problem. Once again, you're hindering yourself whether you realize it or not.

 

[steintym]

S.A.A.D. - Seriously, I think you might need to look in the mirror on this one. I obviously don't know you or what situations you've gone through (other than what you've disclosed here), but you really do seem to have a lot of anger and bitterness. Maybe some of that negativity is holding you back. Again, not trying to be a ****, but you just seem to have some unresolved issues that are really bothering you.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

I think I might just have to use this for myself because I've been guilty of doing the same thing in the past. In fact, last night I told one of my very good friends that I was sorry for judging her when I first met her because I always assumed that she was one of those typical hot girls that are stuck up and only think of themselves. But she surprises me everyday with how much she cares about people and is willing to help others. Ideally we are completely opposite yet somehow this works in favor of the friendship.

As for the confidence stuff, I agree. I always used to feel like I had to hide certain things about myself because they were faults of mine, but then I realized everyone is insecure about something, so there's no reason to feel like I am the worst of them all.


No, you're not the only one. But his point is that you use that as your way of giving yourself an excuse to not go after certain people or to give certain things a try, and that's where it becomes a problem. Once again, you're hindering yourself whether you realize it or not.

Me hindering myself? Lol.

 

[S.A.A.D.]

S.A.A.D. - Seriously, I think you might need to look in the mirror on this one. I obviously don't know you or what situations you've gone through (other than what you've disclosed here), but you really do seem to have a lot of anger and bitterness. Maybe some of that negativity is holding you back. Again, not trying to be a ****, but you just seem to have some unresolved issues that are really bothering you.

No, you're not being a **** and appreciate the fact that you aren't being a ****.