From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

[NickNitro]

It is 2pm in the afternoon! (where I live) jeeeeze Anubis

 

[Anubis]

It's happy hour in some time zone somewhere on this miserable spinning ball of meh.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

It's happy hour in some time zone somewhere on this miserable spinning ball of meh.

Amen to that.

 

[NickNitro]

I'll let my boss know

 

[Anita18]

I never understood that whole bulls**t urban legend about how a woman knows whether or not she wants to sleep with somebody within 5 minutes of meeting them. I've always thought that was kinda, I don't know, slow. Like ridiculously slow. It only takes your average guy like, milliseconds.

Since I was a virgin until I met my fiancé, it would take me quite a long time to make that judgment. Looks wouldn't have been the only factor. It takes me more than 5 minutes to intimately trust someone.

I mean, I wasn't expecting fireworks for my first time, but it would be nice to know that a guy wouldn't just charge in with guns blazing. If you know what I mean.

It's happy hour in some time zone somewhere on this miserable spinning ball of meh.

True facts.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yeah the 5 min rule is utterly ridiculous, especially when alcohol and lack of self respect start becoming a factor...

 

[Lily Adler]

Say "I'd like to touch your weaner". That should get him interested enough.

pretty much.

Who do you guys think I am, Quicken Loans?

Stab him....

I shall entertain that suggestion if he rejects me.

Get drunk. Get him drunk.

Works for me

Make his coffee Irish, eh.

.....just ask him out?

Second Erz. Just ask him out. If he's got a girlfriend, he'll either let you know then or he'll drop other hints in conversation if you get heavily flirty. Ask to go to one of his recitals or something.

Its hard, especially for a women to confront a guy. Guys are used to being shut down, I don't think girls are emotionally stable enough for it lol.

I always felt honesty and being bold is the best way to go. One day if you run into him just say "hey, you seem like a really nice guy, I don't know if you're taken or not, but if not I was hoping we could go out for a drink or something sometime?"

It may end well, it may not. All I know is its better an outcome than trying to get advice from a bunch of Hype nerds

No, no that's far too sane and simplistic. I need something that will make use of all my cunning.

Talk about music. Get to know him a little more. Ask him if he made any pieces of his own. Then ask him out.

Please don't.

I mean a little conversation fine (maybe get some basics like "are you a serial killer? no, okay good, I was worried about that"). But if you're gonna ask them out, you don't need to be more than a few sentences in to be like "you wanna grab a drink later". Then use the later to talk about him/you. If you start some engaged conversation right away they're going to think you want to be friends. If you make them go somewhere, like a date, to talk to you and get to know you more then you actually set a bar for them to pass/meet and hopefully they'll rise to the occasion. Otherwise, enjoy your 'friend zone'.

That's it I shall lure him with the idea that I need help composing an album and when vulnerable and charmed by wiles I shall trap him-- I mean ask him out... Yeah that's it.

But seriously, thanks for the advice, he wasn't there today so I'll ask him next time I see him. I actually was going to ask him to help me compose some of my songs though.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

^ body language. Men into music are more attentive to it than most give em credit for.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Who do you guys think I am, Quicken Loans?

H***ies on the first date are probably more sanitary than kissing even, especially if you use gloves. So I mean, ya know, just saying he'll take it but it's not too forward. And trust me, he'll call back.

 

[obin_gam]

This is annoying... been talking to a girl on a dating site this past week, been mailing back and forth, but she hanst answered the latest mail I sent which was on wednesday. I hope she's just sick or too busy to log in, because she seemed interested in the mails and she was the one who took the initiative first. And I dont want to send her another before she sends me one, seems a little too desperate to send one after another I mean :P

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

This is annoying... been talking to a girl on a dating site this past week, been mailing back and forth, but she hanst answered the latest mail I sent which was on wednesday. I hope she's just sick or too busy to log in, because she seemed interested in the mails and she was the one who took the initiative first. And I dont want to send her another before she sends me one, seems a little too desperate to send one after another I mean :P

Don't bother. Just move on.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

How many messages back and forth have you done already?

I find with online dating that if the guy hasn't asked me out past the third email, I think he's not that interested and his responses are just him being 'nice' or 'polite' and it just fizzles out. I kind of judge whether I wanna pursue something with a guy, even one I've messaged myself initially, by how responsive he is. But that has a lot to do with me not looking for an overly shy guy.

Or it might be that she sent out a lot of emails, and she got a better offer from someone else

Just the way it is sometimes.

 

[obin_gam]

How many messages back and forth have you done already?

I find with online dating that if the guy hasn't asked me out past the third email, I think he's not that interested and his responses are just him being 'nice' or 'polite' and it just fizzles out. I kind of judge whether I wanna pursue something with a guy, even one I've messaged myself initially, by how responsive he is. But that has a lot to do with me not looking for an overly shy guy.

Or it might be that she sent out a lot of emails, and she got a better offer from someone else

Just the way it is sometimes.

Only 3? Geez, that sound very fast for me haha We've mail'd back and forth five times, it's my sixth one she hasnt replied on.

I actually was going to ask her out in the next mail I would send her, which is why I cant believe it if I just was 1 email to late

 

[lixdexia]

Only 3? Geez, that sound very fast for me haha We've mail'd back and forth five times, it's my sixth one she hasnt replied on.

I actually was going to ask her out in the next mail I would send her, which is why I cant believe it if I just was 1 email to late

hey man, some *****es are stuck up like that. cut ties and drive on.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Only 3? Geez, that sound very fast for me haha We've mail'd back and forth five times, it's my sixth one she hasnt replied on.

I actually was going to ask her out in the next mail I would send her, which is why I cant believe it if I just was 1 email to late

Just said this a page ago...

...I'm not an e-dater, but the I give myself two chances to ask her out. Just message her once to get a few basics out of the way, that's fine. Do it twice before asking her to do something or go somewhere? Then you're spinning your wheels. Makes you look indecisive, and it's not a good initial impression in my opinion.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Agree with Optimus.

Not being funny, but your not on an internet dating site looking for a pen pal.

Why postpone the question? If you like the look of each other and the general impression from the response (which you pretty much can figure out enough from 2/3 messages back and forth) then there is absolutely nothing to loose from asking.

I can't imagine someone ever going 'No I won't go out with you, because you asked too soon and that's offensive to me'.

Can you?

You don't have to get to know someone BEFORE you go on a date. That's what dating is for. And it's much more likely to actually go well and lead to something when you do that part in person.

Cause trying to get to know someone online always leads to a weird first encounter where the person isn't what u were expecting IMO.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Cause trying to get to know someone online always leads to a weird first encounter where the person isn't what u were expecting IMO.

This.

IF anyone is going to use an online dating site, don't ever try to get to know the person really well. We always imagine someone better than they really are, and this can lead to unrealistic expectations. That will kill it fast when you meet.

Thing of it like sales. "ABC" always be closing.

THis means the less "getting to know" the better until you get some sort of in person meet.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Agree with Optimus.

Not being funny, but your not on an internet dating site looking for a pen pal.

Why postpone the question? If you like the look of each other and the general impression from the response (which you pretty much can figure out enough from 2/3 messages back and forth) then there is absolutely nothing to loose from asking.

I can't imagine someone ever going 'No I won't go out with you, because you asked too soon and that's offensive to me'.

Can you?

You don't have to get to know someone BEFORE you go on a date. That's what dating is for. And it's much more likely to actually go well and lead to something when you do that part in person.

Cause trying to get to know someone online always leads to a weird first encounter where the person isn't what u were expecting IMO.

I can. The response is typically something along the lines of "you're moving too fast, slow down".

Now, this hasn't happened online... I never get any replies when I send messages online, but I've gotten then "you're moving too fast" when I ask girls out in person face to face. Or they act like I'm totally out of line for asking if they'd like to grab a cup of coffee or something.

 

[Anita18]

How many messages back and forth have you done already?

I find with online dating that if the guy hasn't asked me out past the third email, I think he's not that interested and his responses are just him being 'nice' or 'polite' and it just fizzles out. I kind of judge whether I wanna pursue something with a guy, even one I've messaged myself initially, by how responsive he is. But that has a lot to do with me not looking for an overly shy guy.

Or it might be that she sent out a lot of emails, and she got a better offer from someone else

Just the way it is sometimes.

This was pretty much my experience, and I met my fiancé online. He was the only serious boyfriend I got out of the 3 years I was there. There were a bunch of false starts in the interim.

I can. The response is typically something along the lines of "you're moving too fast, slow down".

Now, this hasn't happened online... I never get any replies when I send messages online, but I've gotten then "you're moving too fast" when I ask girls out in person face to face. Or they act like I'm totally out of line for asking if they'd like to grab a cup of coffee or something.

Well online, you have this safe space between you. You can take the time to gauge if this person is a creep and/or if you want to keep talking to them.

In real life, you don't have that buffer. So it can feel more intrusive if you ask them too fast, before you're able to gauge that. I turned down a guy when he asked for my contact info 15 seconds after meeting me.

Or you're going for girls who are just not that into you. If the chemistry/trust is there and you make a huge move, it doesn't count that much against you if she likes you a lot. If she doesn't think of you as a romantic prospect, of course it's going to feel too fast.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I can. The response is typically something along the lines of "you're moving too fast, slow down".

Now, this hasn't happened online... I never get any replies when I send messages online, but I've gotten then "you're moving too fast" when I ask girls out in person face to face. Or they act like I'm totally out of line for asking if they'd like to grab a cup of coffee or something.

It's completely different in person and in that context.

But when your on a dating site, you practically announcing 'I want a date!'

So for someone to say 'omg how rude of you to ask me out' would be completely illogical.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Okay, I had a really weird knock to my confidence today, and was wondering if you guys could help me deal with it

I'm a very social person. I go out a lot, meet a lot of people. Get on with people from all walks of life.

Since moving to the city, I've been spending a lot of time with a friend of my best friend, who I thought was a pretty sound guy.

He was with a girl when I first met him, and in the last few months since they broke up we've become so close we consider each other very very good friends.

We were out today and she told me about a conversation they had about me.

At first I was like 'oh cool, they were talking about me!'

Then I heard what he said.

Apparently he asked her if she 'actually' liked me.

She replied with of course, I'm awesome, the two of us together are like a force of nature.

He just replied with 'I just never thought you'd get on with a girl 'like her' and that he was sure just a year ago she'd never be seen out with a girl like me.

Now, am I over reacting if I'm now a bit paranoid that in this new group of 'friends' I'm considered somehow 'beneath them' like I'm this odd and uncool addition to the group that doesn't really fit?

It's really kind of upset me

I mean I know I'm not as perfectly skinny or beautiful as the majority of girls in the group, and that I have my geek side and am perhaps a bit 'uncool' and wild and uninhibited in how I act... But I never for a second thought people we're judging me for that... I thought they loved me for being different.

I know me and this girl have a real friendship, but I now can't help feeling like this guy is a complete arse and I should hate him for that... Despite him being so nice to my face. He obviously thinks he's better than me, and I have no interest in spending time with someone like that

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

It's completely different in person and in that context.

But when your on a dating site, you practically announcing 'I want a date!'

So for someone to say 'omg how rude of you to ask me out' would be completely illogical.

But when I don't ask a girl out right away, people tell me I'm not being assertive or confident enough, and I'm just putting myself into the "friend zone" by not making a move.

It's basically a lose-lose, damned if I do, damned if I don't situation for me.

 

[Anita18]

Okay, I had a really weird knock to my confidence today, and was wondering if you guys could help me deal with it

I'm a very social person. I go out a lot, meet a lot of people. Get on with people from all walks of life.

Since moving to the city, I've been spending a lot of time with a friend of my best friend, who I thought was a pretty sound guy.

He was with a girl when I first met him, and in the last few months since they broke up we've become so close we consider each other very very good friends.

We were out today and she told me about a conversation they had about me.

At first I was like 'oh cool, they were talking about me!'

Then I heard what he said.

Apparently he asked her if she 'actually' liked me.

She replied with of course, I'm awesome, the two of us together are like a force of nature.

He just replied with 'I just never thought you'd get on with a girl 'like her' and that he was sure just a year ago she'd never be seen out with a girl like me.

Now, am I over reacting if I'm now a bit paranoid that in this new group of 'friends' I'm considered somehow 'beneath them' like I'm this odd and uncool addition to the group that doesn't really fit?

It's really kind of upset me

I mean I know I'm not as perfectly skinny or beautiful as the majority of girls in the group, and that I have my geek side and am perhaps a bit 'uncool' and wild and uninhibited in how I act... But I never for a second thought people we're judging me for that... I thought they loved me for being different.

I know me and this girl have a real friendship, but I now can't help feeling like this guy is a complete arse and I should hate him for that... Despite him being so nice to my face. He obviously thinks he's better than me, and I have no interest in spending time with someone like that

Hmm, depends on the context. It doesn't necessarily mean that they think you're "beneath" them, but that you're just so different from them he didn't expect you two to be friends.

The fact that he mentioned being "seen out" with you is kinda sketch though. Definitely immature, at best. At least the girl seems totally cool. Even friends of friends can have their sketch moments.

It's really up to you whether you want to keep hanging out with this guy. It's possible that he might come around and think of you as really one of the group. I mean, if he thinks you're beneath him but keeps hanging out with you anyway, what does that say about him? I don't believe in holding grudges or trying to navigate around this kind of drama. If he's nice to your face, might as well be nice back, and maybe he'll really come around.

But when I don't ask a girl out right away, people tell me I'm not being assertive or confident enough, and I'm just putting myself into the "friend zone" by not making a move.

It's basically a lose-lose, damned if I do, damned if I don't situation for me.

You have to get better at reading people. If a girl likes you, it is never too soon. Waiting to ask her out is a bad idea then.

But if a girl needs more time to warm up to you, then yes, "too soon" does exist.

Relationships are never black and white. The whole confidence thing is for you to get over the block of asking a girl out at all. Most of them might be uninterested, but what if you come across an interested girl and you're too shy to ask her out? That's where practice and being assertive comes in.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Everything Anita says is pure wisdom

A) thanks for the logical and unassuming advice. That's exactly how I should deal with it. At the end of the day, some people just have a hard time moving beyond their own shallow opinions, but I usually win them around. He does still hang out with me, and I'm good at reading people - he enjoys my company. I'm one of the only people who he can let HIS geeky side out too

P.S. I think in part it was about insulting HER. Like he'd assumed she was this shallow gorgeous girl who'd never hang out with an 'uncool' and average looking person.

But she's not. She's just a lovely person who will talk to and have a fun night with literally anyone.

B) a thousand times this to Nell.

The biggest truth about what makes someone 'good' at the dating game or 'bad' is instincts.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Okay, no Anita I'm going irrational again. I need to get some uglier friends...

I go outside for a cigarette. Bunch of guys approach me and ask me if I wanna come to the club they are going for a dance. I relish in the attention for two seconds...

Then my two friends come out. All of a sudden, none of them could give two ****s about me...

Is it a wonder I end up getting drunk and drawing attention to myself in other ways by being impulsive and crazy?