From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

[Mad Love]

Frequently those two things go hand in hand. I think some people get married for basically what amounts to financial reasons.

The basically the best reason.

 

[Anita18]

I hear you. Intellectually I know I should move on to spare myself any more heartbreak. This is just so fresh that I'm waring between what is probably what's best for me and what I want right now, and I what I want right now is another chance. It's just so ****ing hard. I genuinely do love her. I never would've made her my wife if I didn't. I dread the months ahead of having learning to live without her. What's happened has changed everything. Always in the back of my mind, I knew we'd be together, and I never prepared for having to deal with that not being true anymore. I never thought I'd have to live with is. It literally changes how I pictured my life going. At least this is forcing me to deal with **** I should've confronted head on many years ago. I'm just so low right now.

You have to take care of yourself first. Then you can start to see the path before you. Life often takes us places we don't want to, or ever imagined ourselves, going into. But I assure you, once you get your depression sorted out, your life WILL be better than it ever has.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Okay I think I get her now...

Like really get her.

I think. I think she's bisexual and is afraid of how I'd react to her falling in love with another girl.

 

[Anita18]

Okay I think I get her now...

Like really get her.

I think. I think she's bisexual and is afraid of how I'd react to her falling in love with another girl.

What?

Oh, just tell her to have a threesome with you and then everybody's happy!

 

[moviedoors]

Depression can be extremely self-centered, but it's not your fault. You don't mean to. It's just the way the disease works.

At the same time, I don't think you can blame your relationship troubles just on your depression. It's hard being with someone with depression, yes, but if they've already checked out, it's just another reason. If she wanted to stick it out with you, she would have. But she chose not to. It's unfortunate, and the way she went about it is dishonest, but it is what it is.

I hope you get the help you need and that things start looking up. Relying on meds is not a bad thing. If you need it, you need it. You have to take care of yourself first.

This is good advice and I thank you for it, but it makes me feel even lower. If she could just let go like she did then it means she probably didn't love me the way I loved her. It means my trust was misplaced and that throws off the trust I have in my self to have a sensible, practical, healthy world view. I'm no stranger to life throwing me curve balls. I've been thru very difficult things before: betrayals and crushed ambitions, loss of faith, poverty and addiction. But I thought I'd always have that rock in my life and that rock just crushed me like a bug.

 

[Anita18]

This is good advice and I thank you for it, but it makes me feel even lower. If she could just let go like she did then it means she probably didn't love me the way I loved her. It means my trust was misplaced and that throws off the trust I have in my self to have a sensible, practical, healthy world view. I'm no stranger to life throwing me curve balls. I've been thru very difficult things before: betrayals and crushed ambitions, loss of faith, poverty and addiction. But I thought I'd always have that rock in my life and that rock just crushed me like a bug.

She very much could have loved you the way you loved her. I'd say she did, if she still cares about you and wants you to get better. My friend who has pancreatic cancer, his longtime girlfriend (9 years together) broke up with him a few months before he was officially diagnosed. He thinks it was because he was so sick for so long, she says it was other things. But they still Skype every week, despite her being in CA and him being in France. She's actually the only person he looks forward to talk to. She doesn't have to heart to stop their communication even though their relationship is over, because she still cares about him. She still loves him, even if she knows she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

Some people just aren't prepared or equipped to be a proper partner for someone with depression, and that's not anyone's fault. Her only real transgression is going behind your back with someone else, and it could have been a very immature way of trying to deal with the stress. It doesn't mean she hates you or never loved you. People can be incredibly complicated.

But I think it does mean that you can't be with her anymore. Relationships change. People change too, and sometimes their current partner is just unable to follow.

 

[moviedoors]

She very much could have loved you the way you loved her. I'd say she did, if she still cares about you and wants you to get better. My friend who has pancreatic cancer, his longtime girlfriend (9 years together) broke up with him a few months before he was officially diagnosed. He thinks it was because he was so sick for so long, she says it was other things. But they still Skype every week, despite her being in CA and him being in France. She's actually the only person he looks forward to talk to. She doesn't have to heart to stop their communication even though their relationship is over, because she still cares about him. She still loves him, even if she knows she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

Some people just aren't prepared or equipped to be a proper partner for someone with depression, and that's not anyone's fault. Her only real transgression is going behind your back with someone else, and it could have been a very immature way of trying to deal with the stress. It doesn't mean she hates you or never loved you. People can be incredibly complicated.

But I think it does mean that you can't be with her anymore. Relationships change. People change too, and sometimes their current partner is just unable to follow.

Thank you. I needed that perspective. I really mean that.

 

[The Guard]

moviedoors, have you considered counseling? Have you been doing anything to deal with your depression?

 

[moviedoors]

moviedoors, have you considered counseling? Have you been doing anything to deal with your depression?

I'm going to lay it all out to my psychiatrist next Wednesday. I've never really talked to her the way I should have. I've been seeing her since I was eleven (I'm 29 now) and a big part of my problem is pretending I don't have a problem. I didn't even know she was my psychiatrist for years so it was always easy to say "things are going good!" and get my Ritalin prescription and leave. I don't know why it's taken me so long to figure this out. A few months ago, I had a personal talk with my mom after a period of me being distant from her where I revealed how much I'd been hiding from her. She had no idea. My own mother. I'm a life long introvert. My ADD has been stealing the spot light from my depression. I'm going to come completely clean. I just hope she doesn't chalk it all up to my recent separation and say "talk to me again in six months if you're still sad."

 

[Anita18]

Thank you. I needed that perspective. I really mean that.

Take care of yourself. I mean that.

I'm going to lay it all out to my psychiatrist next Wednesday. I've never really talked to her the way I should have. I've been seeing her since I was eleven (I'm 29 now) and a big part of my problem is pretending I don't have a problem. I didn't even know she was my psychiatrist for years so it was always easy to say "things are going good!" and get my Ritalin prescription and leave. I don't know why it's taken me so long to figure this out. A few months ago, I had a personal talk with my mom after a period of me being distant from her where I revealed how much I'd been hiding from her. She had no idea. My own mother. I'm a life long introvert. My ADD has been stealing the spot light from my depression. I'm going to come completely clean. I just hope she doesn't chalk it all up to my recent separation and say "talk to me again in six months if you're still sad."

That is indeed a major issue. You have to let people help you, before they can help you, ya know?

And if your psychiatrist isn't working out for you, there's always another. It's almost like another relationship, in a strange way.

 

[moviedoors]

Take care of yourself. I mean that.

Thank you.

That is indeed a major issue. You have to let people help you, before they can help you, ya know?

And if your psychiatrist isn't working out for you, there's always another. It's almost like another relationship, in a strange way.

At the end of the day, I think she'll help me. This is just the way my brain works, you know? I'm a white American dude with a supportive family and good friends. I have a roof over my head and I'm not starving. What right do I have to feel bad? That's the thought process I've maintained for so long that I haven't allowed myself to admit how broken my brain is.

 

[The Guard]

Yeah, it's tough to reconcile those emotions. But depression doesn't care if you should be sad or not...it just makes you sad regardless.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, it's tough to reconcile those emotions. But depression doesn't care if you should be sad or not...it just makes you sad regardless.

Exactly.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Depression, i don't know about the clinical element, but depression as I tend to fall into often seem like an indulgence: you start to pity yourself because no one else does and becomes a habit. Downright one of the worst emotions to be habituated with. But that doesn't mean it can't be overcome.

Go all Green Lantern on it.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I hear you. Intellectually I know I should move on to spare myself any more heartbreak. This is just so fresh that I'm waring between what is probably what's best for me and what I want right now, and I what I want right now is another chance. It's just so ****ing hard. I genuinely do love her. I never would've made her my wife if I didn't. I dread the months ahead of having learning to live without her. What's happened has changed everything. Always in the back of my mind, I knew we'd be together, and I never prepared for having to deal with that not being true anymore. I never thought I'd have to live with is. It literally changes how I pictured my life going. At least this is forcing me to deal with **** I should've confronted head on many years ago. I'm just so low right now.

What?

Oh, just tell her to have a threesome with you and then everybody's happy!

I need to confirm how much of that is an issue with her. Not the threesome thing. The being attracted to women thing. I've seen how she is around girls. I'm beginning to think if that is what has been making her doubt herself?

Funny thing about Bangladesh, overtly conservative as it is, when it comes to the more bicurious minority they're so deeply closeted that they would get into sexless marriages while being more laissez faire with their sexual partners. I know of two couples where both partners are homosexual but they married anyway just to throw the neo-cons off. There's this other couple where the woman is bisexual and her husband is okay with it as long as she's giving him some. Mind you. All of this is still in Bangladesh. The overpopulated, overtly-polluted, riot-city of the universe.

If my girlfriend really is bisexual I don't know where that goes... or what that says... I am open to threesomes but maybe she isn't? I don't know.

Wow. I have something to focus on right now that doesn't make me feel like the most socially awkward individual on this side of paranoid. Because that'd be her.

 

[Anita18]

I need to confirm how much of that is an issue with her. Not the threesome thing. The being attracted to women thing. I've seen how she is around girls. I'm beginning to think if that is what has been making her doubt herself?

Funny thing about Bangladesh, overtly conservative as it is, when it comes to the more bicurious minority they're so deeply closeted that they would get into sexless marriages while being more laissez faire with their sexual partners. I know of two couples where both partners are homosexual but they married anyway just to throw the neo-cons off. There's this other couple where the woman is bisexual and her husband is okay with it as long as she's giving him some. Mind you. All of this is still in Bangladesh. The overpopulated, overtly-polluted, riot-city of the universe.

If my girlfriend really is bisexual I don't know where that goes... or what that says... I am open to threesomes but maybe she isn't? I don't know.

Wow. I have something to focus on right now that doesn't make me feel like the most socially awkward individual on this side of paranoid. Because that'd be her.

Well, bisexual doesn't automatically mean open relationship and threesomes out the wazoo. (That would be "pansexual.") It just means that her partner could be a man or woman. If she intends her relationships to be monogamous, it shouldn't make that much of a difference.

Also, just because she likes to look at other women doesn't automatically mean she's bi. I think women's bodies are beautiful and I look at women more often than I look at guys. (Honestly, hot guy bodies don't really do it for me - it's guy's faces that make me go and a really nice face is pretty rare.) But I don't want to sleep with a woman - I'm not attracted to them in THAT way.

 

[The Guard]

Depression, i don't know about the clinical element, but depression as I tend to fall into often seem like an indulgence: you start to pity yourself because no one else does and becomes a habit.

That's definitely not the clinical type.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

if she still asks that she wants to see other people to know if im the best or not... what do i say? what does that mean?

 

[Anubis]

It means she wants to bang other people.

And you say, only if I can do the same....also if I can film you doing it and put it up on the internets.

 

[Anita18]

if she still asks that she wants to see other people to know if im the best or not... what do i say? what does that mean?

It means she's still unsure of what a relationship actually consists of, and what kind of future she has with you.

As for what to say, I really can't give you advice on that. It depends on the person. When my ex and I broke up, it was clear to me that we were just incompatible and that it wouldn't work out, full stop. A mutual friend suggested we take a break and I was like, "No, I don't want to draw this out."

But honestly, it could still work out, depending on your/her reasons. My two friends who were HS sweethearts, they broke up for like, a month in college senior year and she dated someone else for a while, changed her mind, and got back with him. And now they're married with twins.

I think since senior year was upon her, she was really considering what kind of future she had with him. She wasn't sure for a while (they came from pretty different socioeconomic backgrounds), and it took dating someone else to realize that it really didn't matter. They would work it out. They were otherwise compatible.

I didn't ask about the details though, it's probably a time she'd like to forget.

 

[moviedoors]

Well, I had my most successful day since my lowest day. I got real low last night. I boiled over again and just sobbed, and I mean sobbed, for like an hour. Today? Haven't cried. The anxiety is still there, big time. I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin, but I don't feel like the world has ended. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

A few things:

-I didn't come into this thread with much in the way of expectations. I really just needed to vent, but I'm so happy I got helpful perspectives. It really has helped.

-A worked at my occasional job at a dog kennel this morning. The work thing has been a major source of depression for me. My main job is at Walmart. I had to take a job there because I just couldn't waste away on unemployment anymore after my own business imploded in my face. I've never liked it. I started as an overnight stocker, I transferred and became a janitor because I couldn't handle perpetual night shifts. I've worked my way up to management now. I'm full time with benefits, but I can't take it anymore. They are a greedy company. They won't give the regular employees any hours, even though we need them, and all that unfinished work falls on us, and when it doesn't get done, it's our fault now. I'm so sick of hearing from the biggest corporation in history that "we can't afford it." Well, I pulled a shift at the kennel, and it felt good. I had forgotten that I can enjoy work. I asked them if they would take me back full time. They will. I'm going to leave that hell hole that is Walmart and that is going to help me immensely.

-I talked to my wife on the phone. It was an amazingly helpful conversation. I unloaded everything that I've realized I've been doing wrong because of my depression. It wasn't a downer discussion. No crying, no long silences. I maintained a positive attitude. I was brutally honest with her. I straight up told her that I'm still in love with her and I want to be back with her. But, I also told her that I shouldn't do that. I'm not well. If she were to take me back now, it would give me a chemical rush that would fool me into thinking I was all better and that is exactly what I don't need to do right now. I need to learn to not hang my happiness on whether or not someone takes me in. I need to be happy with me, and I'm not there yet. I need to truly learn to live with not being with her if that's how things are going to go. But as painful as it might be, I think it'll be healthier for me in the long run if we don't become estranged.

If I can brutally honest, the thing I'm regretting and missing the most is sex. We hadn't been sleeping together as much as we should have. My sex drive wasn't the way it should have been because of my depression and when I did want it, she usually didn't want it because my sad sack self didn't exactly put her in the mood. And that's such a shame. We used to have epic sex. I literally have scars (and so does she) from the early days of us getting it on and I wear those like a badge of honor that says "you've never been laid this damn good." Now I'm regretting every kinky, dirty thing I wanted to do that I didn't. This is actually my biggest fear of going on Wellbutrin. When my sex drive really comes back full force, it's going to be difficult not to lose my mind. I'm not a random sex kind of guy. I'm a relationship guy. Sex doesn't mean much to me without that person to person connection. But hey, getting my desires down to the carnal is healthier for me than having them stuck in pity party land. Maybe I can learn to be a ****. I have no problem with that attitude, but I've never subscribed to it myself. Maybe I should live it up before I turn 30.

 

[moviedoors]

Woo boy. Now today it's leg shaking, chain smoking anxiety. I was not expecting that. I need some herb.

 

[Godzilla2000]

I've noticed something quite interesting and peculiar about the way a male mind and a female mind handles jealousy. The male mind tends to revert back to a primal stage of fighting for the honor of claiming a woman as their own. But the female mind gets really b****y and attacks the emotional well being of a rival. In truth women are much nastier and subversive with competing for the affections of a man. Now I know that men can flock together to kick the living crap out of a guy that's a rival but most men tend to fight one on one. Women, they will get everybody involved from their friends to even their relatives when they see the man they're interested in interested in another woman. You're not facing down the woman that's angry with you because the guy they like wants you more, you're facing down an army or angry women fighting for that one girl. And speaking as a woman jealous ladies can be excessively cruel when it comes to love, especially if they can get something materialistic out of associating with certain men or else why would they put up such a fierce, mentally damaging fight against a love rival?

P.S. Why in the world would you want to make someone you love jealous? It has been my experience that that is a very very dangerous thing to do. If you love someone how is bringing out their angry side going to improve your relations with them? Or if you are single and trying to bait someone how is that going to show him/her you have their best interests and mental sanity as a priority when you're making them fume to the point they want to deck the nearest person? It's my estimation that you send a shaky, mixed message by doing these stunts. For example: If you were a woman wouldn't you be confused about a man's loyalty because he says he cares for you but yet he's traipsing around with other women. Wouldn't you sit that guy down and say you'd really like to know the truth so that you can move on because it feels like you're wasting your time with him? Making the other person jealous seems to me to be a very dishonest practice because it's like you're stringing people along and causing them to put their lives on hold while you get your s*** together, if you get it together at all.

I like to remit to this page when it comes to playing games with people's emotions:
http://www.life123.com/relationships/issues/jealousy/making-someone-jealous-is-it-a-good-idea.shtml

I personally swear that I'm getting tired of the whole jealousy game and the hurtful implications that I just am putting my foot down and not taking it anymore. If someone loves me they wouldn't be pulling these stunts because I have more important things that need tending like my physical health and my past due bills. With those stresses in my life why do I need such useless ancillary ones from men purporting to be in love with me?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Woo boy. Now today it's leg shaking, chain smoking anxiety. I was not expecting that. I need some herb.

Bit late to the game, but thought I'd chime in here.

I've had bouts of depression and panic attacks myself. During the last one I tried to kill myself by running into the sea, was self harming on my legs, and spent some evenings just pacing or rocking... It was a full on break down, and I will never be able to fully explain how I felt. I was daydreaming about suicide 24/7, I was constantly drinking (which only made my emotions stronger), and I honestly felt like just being alive was too hard... That every single second of every day was a struggle that wasn't worth it.

I'm very much past that now. And I just want you to know you will get past whatever your feeling too. Medication is one way, and I'm sure it works for some. Personally I've always avoided it because I have so many friends who are medicated up to the eye balls and they aren't 'better'... They are just sedated, barely living.

Personally, the only thing that worked for me, that 'broke the spell' (as I referred to it to my counselor) was that there was something I really wanted to live for. Like I wanted it with every fibre of my being (the 'IT' was a novel that I started writing, and it literally saved me).

And with that, I moved house into a better environment (my old housemate was a party head druggy), I focused on how I could make work better, and I just tried to prioritise comfort and peace of mind.

My Mum had similar issues to me when she was young and she was an addict. She always tells me it's the little things that save her every day. Like doing the ironing. Making her bed.

Simple little things, but doing them makes you feel... I dunno, less broken.

I don't know if there is anything you can change for the better in your life, but that's where I'd start.

Some things are out of your control. Your wife leaving you is one of them.

The only thing you can do that might stand a chance of winning her back (if that's the thing you really want) is get better. And you might even find that while she's the reason you do it, when your the happy and relaxed person you could become you'll attract even more people anyway.

Hope you find a way

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Also, hi guys!

Not popped my head in properly for a while now!

Felt a bit down about relationships in general at the moment and became so desperate I was trying to consider guys I wasn't attracted too - which only lead to me eventually hurting their feelings because I can't force myself to like them no matter how hard I try!

Then the other night I was out for a uni reunion and I met a guy. Clicked instantly. Spent ages chatting and then a little while kissing, and it was that magical kissing where the world just falls away

I barely remember what he looks like (was very drunk) and I only know his first name and remember nothing about him... But he's been texting and said it definitely seemed like we had a connection and he really enjoyed my company.

He's going out in Bristol in May, so we've said we'll keep in touch

Tbh, even if nothing comes of it, it's just given me that glimmer of hope.

It's been ages since I found someone I felt some chemistry with, and who actually reciprocates! I was starting to give up on it happening naturally like that!

But hey, maybe there's still hope that I'll find Mr Right after all