From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

[moviedoors]

Bit late to the game, but thought I'd chime in here.

I've had bouts of depression and panic attacks myself. During the last one I tried to kill myself by running into the sea, was self harming on my legs, and spent some evenings just pacing or rocking... It was a full on break down, and I will never be able to fully explain how I felt. I was daydreaming about suicide 24/7, I was constantly drinking (which only made my emotions stronger), and I honestly felt like just being alive was too hard... That every single second of every day was a struggle that wasn't worth it.

I'm very much past that now. And I just want you to know you will get past whatever your feeling too. Medication is one way, and I'm sure it works for some. Personally I've always avoided it because I have so many friends who are medicated up to the eye balls and they aren't 'better'... They are just sedated, barely living.

Personally, the only thing that worked for me, that 'broke the spell' (as I referred to it to my counselor) was that there was something I really wanted to live for. Like I wanted it with every fibre of my being (the 'IT' was a novel that I started writing, and it literally saved me).

And with that, I moved house into a better environment (my old housemate was a party head druggy), I focused on how I could make work better, and I just tried to prioritise comfort and peace of mind.

My Mum had similar issues to me when she was young and she was an addict. She always tells me it's the little things that save her every day. Like doing the ironing. Making her bed.

Simple little things, but doing them makes you feel... I dunno, less broken.

I don't know if there is anything you can change for the better in your life, but that's where I'd start.

Some things are out of your control. Your wife leaving you is one of them.

The only thing you can do that might stand a chance of winning her back (if that's the thing you really want) is get better. And you might even find that while she's the reason you do it, when your the happy and relaxed person you could become you'll attract even more people anyway.

Hope you find a way

That's helpful. Thank you much.

A few direct responses:

Regarding suicidal thoughts: I've never had them. As depressed and unhappy as I've been, the thought of killing myself has never crossed my mind. I've done the self harm thing in the past, minor cuts, but if I'm honest about that, it always kind of helped, which is a bit freaky. I haven't done that in awhile and I don't plan on going back. But never suicidal thoughts. My family has always been too supportive for me tp feel that hopeless.

Meds: I share some of those fears, which is why I want to see about getting on Wellbutrin. My mom takes it and from the research I've done, it's less of downer than many other antidepressants. Less lethargy and no loss of sex drive and all that jazz. The other reason I want to try it is because I want to quit smoking. I've tried doing it on my own basically since the year I started. I just can't do it. Wellbutrin has a high rate of successfully helping people really quit. It's a double whammy.

Making changes to improve life for the better: I've already made a big step today: I put my two weeks notice in at Walmart. That places has been nothing but hellish for me. I'm overworked, underpaid, stressed, and completely unfulfilled or proud of what I do. In two weeks I'll be at a dog kennel full time, and that's a job I actually enjoy. It's physical, healthy work, I'm great with dogs, and I enjoy the people who work there.

Getting my wife back: yeah, that's what I want and I know the only way that might happen is if I really, truly get better. I actually don't think we should get back together for awhile. I need to do what's right for me first. I have to learn to feel good about myself without her. I don't know what's going to happen with her, so I have to learn to be a relaxed and positive person no matter what.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

That's helpful. Thank you much.

A few direct responses:

Regarding suicidal thoughts: I've never had them. As depressed and unhappy as I've been, the thought of killing myself has never crossed my mind. I've done the self harm thing in the past, minor cuts, but if I'm honest about that, it always kind of helped, which is a bit freaky. I haven't done that in awhile and I don't plan on going back. But never suicidal thoughts. My family has always been too supportive for me tp feel that hopeless.

Meds: I share some of those fears, which is why I want to see about getting on Wellbutrin. My mom takes it and from the research I've done, it's less of downer than many other antidepressants. Less lethargy and no loss of sex drive and all that jazz. The other reason I want to try it is because I want to quit smoking. I've tried doing it on my own basically since the year I started. I just can't do it. Wellbutrin has a high rate of successfully helping people really quit. It's a double whammy.

Making changes to improve life for the better: I've already made a big step today: I put my two weeks notice in at Walmart. That places has been nothing but hellish for me. I'm overworked, underpaid, stressed, and completely unfulfilled or proud of what I do. In two weeks I'll be at a dog kennel full time, and that's a job I actually enjoy. It's physical, healthy work, I'm great with dogs, and I enjoy the people who work there.

Getting my wife back: yeah, that's what I want and I know the only way that might happen is if I really, truly get better. I actually don't think we should get back together for awhile. I need to do what's right for me first. I have to learn to feel good about myself without her. I don't know what's going to happen with her, so I have to learn to be a relaxed and positive person no matter what.

Well it sounds like you've got it mostly figured out, even if it's easier saying than doing/feeling. It's definitely a good idea to find a way to be happy alone, it's certainly given me strength

(And it's not freaky, that's precisely why most people self harm. It's a release. Don't know why either, just is when your that depressed!)

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Well the last few weeks have been rough for me on the relationship tip.

I started seeing one girl, a girl who had been pursuing me and wanting my attention, and she told me that she wanted a sexual relationship with me, and now won't talk to me anymore and hasn't even said a word to me about why. Just dropped me after telling me what she wanted from me.

Kept putting myself out there, was asking girls out and getting #'s, only to never have a response from any of them when I would contact them for the dates we had set up.

Then the big one, a girl I've known for a long time and have a little bit of a history with from when I lived in California. We've had a couple falling outs, but ended up getting back in touch a couple years ago when she searched me out and found me. She lives in Arizona now, with me living in Tennessee, and one of the first things she said to me when she got back in touch with me was how she had feelings for me, and she was sorry for how she treated me before, how she didn't appreciate my feelings for her. Over the last couple years, her and I have grown close again despite our distance, and have always talked about how if we were in the same area, we'd give it a go. Besides telling me she had feelings for me, she always told me how she wished she could be more for me but couldn't because of the distance. At one point, she even told me that I was someone that she could marry. We've had a lot of conversations about our relationship, and always came down to we don't want to do long distance, but we would give it a shot if we ever lived in the same area again, something that's very possible because 1.) I'm not tied down to my current location for much longer and 2.) She hates her current location and, like me, wants to eventually go home.

But now that I'm throwing it out there that I'm about to graduate college and won't be tied down to my current location anymore, she's backing out of all of that and giving me a whole bunch of conflicting stories in the process, telling me she never had feelings for me, but then saying "ït's crossed my mind I've just never seriously considered it because of the distance" to saying "it's the distance, but it's also that I can't promise you anything even if you were here." She's now saying she didn't know how I felt about her after all this time, despite the fact that we talk about it fairly frequently and the fact that I have never hid it from her. Especially considering the fact that I had been telling her that I had talked to a couple of my friends about her, and our history together, and how they thought that her and I should be together when I graduate, and I've told her I've had these conversations, and she even had positive reactions to me telling her these things. But now all of a sudden she's flipping out on me like it's completely out of line for me to have these feelings for her.

With all of these things happening in a short order of time, as well as with other things that have recently happened in my personal life, I'm having a rough go of it right now.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Honestly it seems like you're just latching onto the one girl due to having no other options. It seems like you're just not closing these situations. Opening them, but then not applying the right kind of pressure to get any follow through. Honestly, I'd just focus on school, get past that, and worry about it later. Or simply try to find some girl who wants you to stick it in here hole or something at a bar, if that's what you are after. If you're about the graduate there's no bother looking for someone who doesn't want to move fast, or just casually date someone for which you don't think there will be sex, at least that'll holdover your need for companionship.

Otherwise I wouldn't worry much about it until you graduate, at least not relationship wise.

 

[Erzengel]

Not sure how much effort you want to put into someone who seems to be non committal? I can't imagine moving some place and someone change their tune?

 

[The Guard]

Sigh...

I'm currently having trouble having the "If you don't agree to go to counseling with me to work on our issues, I'm going to leave you" talk with my girlfriend. Because we keep having nice evenings, if ultimately unfulfilling and troubling ones. I keep making excuses not to do it "tonight".

Anyone have any suggestions for getting over that? Something I can use to motivate myself prior beyond just up and doing it?

 

[Frodo]

In terms of Nell2's situation , imo she's making sounds like , "I'm not sure you liked me" , starts making other excuses etc. I'd be very wary about making any sort of effort or plans . It does kinda sound like someone who wants to get out of a situation but doesn't want to be the one to be the "bad guy" as it were , and just break it off.

I could be wrong since , i'm not in her head but that's kinda what it sounds like to me.

 

[Anita18]

Then the big one, a girl I've known for a long time and have a little bit of a history with from when I lived in California. We've had a couple falling outs, but ended up getting back in touch a couple years ago when she searched me out and found me. She lives in Arizona now, with me living in Tennessee, and one of the first things she said to me when she got back in touch with me was how she had feelings for me, and she was sorry for how she treated me before, how she didn't appreciate my feelings for her. Over the last couple years, her and I have grown close again despite our distance, and have always talked about how if we were in the same area, we'd give it a go. Besides telling me she had feelings for me, she always told me how she wished she could be more for me but couldn't because of the distance. At one point, she even told me that I was someone that she could marry. We've had a lot of conversations about our relationship, and always came down to we don't want to do long distance, but we would give it a shot if we ever lived in the same area again, something that's very possible because 1.) I'm not tied down to my current location for much longer and 2.) She hates her current location and, like me, wants to eventually go home.

Sounds like she liked having something that wasn't actually going to happen. Then it could never go wrong, just be a wistful "what if."

You deserve better than that. And obviously if you aren't even face to face, it's not you, it's her.

Sigh...

I'm currently having trouble having the "If you don't agree to go to counseling with me to work on our issues, I'm going to leave you" talk with my girlfriend. Because we keep having nice evenings, if ultimately unfulfilling and troubling ones. I keep making excuses not to do it "tonight".

Anyone have any suggestions for getting over that? Something I can use to motivate myself prior beyond just up and doing it?

Yeah that's always hard. But think of it as every day you DON'T bring up counseling, your night is ruined. Just because she goes to bed feeling content doesn't mean that the relationship is going great.

 

[Mad Love]

Anyone have any suggestions for getting over that? Something I can use to motivate myself prior beyond just up and doing it?

That's just it. You have to be motivated going in. I think it's about finding the primal attraction again. Let go of your thoughts and focus on the little things. Simple sensations. Make it new again. Rediscover what's beautiful and drop everything else.

 

[Anita18]

That's just it. You have to be motivated going in. I think it's about finding the primal attraction again. Let go of your thoughts and focus on the little things. Simple sensations. Make it new again. Rediscover what's beautiful and drop everything else.

He's talking about bringing up counseling.

 

[Mad Love]

LOL wellll then.....

 

[moviedoors]

Well, I've let it go.

I've done nothing but drive myself crazy wanting my wife back. I saw her car at work today and it basically made me melt down. We've been in sparse communication over the past couple of weeks. She wants me to get better and she wanted to leave that line open. The problem is being in communication with her isn't going to help me get over her and we're just not going to be getting back together anytime soon. I called her just about an hour ago and told her that we need to not be friends. I need to go on indefinite radio silence. She was understanding and calm, and I was a mess. I didn't want to hang up the phone. She may have left me 17 days ago, but I didn't let go until today, and it hurts so much.

I'm still a manic mess. I've gotten on Wellbutrin and I'm eager for it to build up and start helping me. In the mean time, panic attacks and freakouts galore. I left a message with my psychiatrist and hopefully she'll get back to me tomorrow.

 

[Anita18]

Well, I've let it go.

I've done nothing but drive myself crazy wanting my wife back. I saw her car at work today and it basically made me melt down. We've been in sparse communication over the past couple of weeks. She wants me to get better and she wanted to leave that line open. The problem is being in communication with her isn't going to help me get over her and we're just not going to be getting back together anytime soon. I called her just about an hour ago and told her that we need to not be friends. I need to go on indefinite radio silence. She was understanding and calm, and I was a mess. I didn't want to hang up the phone. She may have left me 17 days ago, but I didn't let go until today, and it hurts so much.

I'm still a manic mess. I've gotten on Wellbutrin and I'm eager for it to build up and start helping me. In the mean time, panic attacks and freakouts galore. I left a message with my psychiatrist and hopefully she'll get back to me tomorrow.

It's hard, but it'll take time. Especially with depression. Things get better and then they will get worse. But as long as you're progressing in some direction, it's something to work with...

Hopefully it continues on a general positive trajectory. But every day won't be like that. Gotta stay in it for the long haul.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Honestly it seems like you're just latching onto the one girl due to having no other options. It seems like you're just not closing these situations. Opening them, but then not applying the right kind of pressure to get any follow through. Honestly, I'd just focus on school, get past that, and worry about it later. Or simply try to find some girl who wants you to stick it in here hole or something at a bar, if that's what you are after. If you're about the graduate there's no bother looking for someone who doesn't want to move fast, or just casually date someone for which you don't think there will be sex, at least that'll holdover your need for companionship.

Otherwise I wouldn't worry much about it until you graduate, at least not relationship wise.

While I get your point about "latching" on to this girl, thing is her and I have a bit of history dating back to before I ever even moved out here, and her to her location. We had off and on feelings for each other when we both lived in the same area the first time. So I mean, this thing with her pre-dates running out of options in my current area.

I'm not saying she's the one I'm gonna magically fall in love and live happily ever after with or anything like that, but how I feel about her is that if her and I were in the same area, all these other girls wouldn't have been an issue in the first place, because I would have been giving it a go with her. And she led me to believe that she was down with that and felt the same way. Because she hates her current area, and because in a couple months I'm not gonna be tied down to my area, I brought up the idea of her moving back to California with me. It was actually something mentioned by a friend of mine who said she really thought this girl and I needed to get together. The girl responded positively to the idea at first, although the context wasn't completely serious and I didn't take it as a "yes" or anything like that. It wasn't until the last couple weeks or so that she started changing her tune about what her feelings for me were, and what the entire dynamic of our relationship is, and playing the "I had no idea" card.

Everything else you said is pretty spot on though, and that's kind of the approach I'm taking. I graduate in just over 2 months, and my lease expires about a month or so after that. I don't know where I'm going to be, and staying here is a possibility, but I'm trying to get somewhere else due to the fact that I'm not a huge fan of this location, and given what my degree is going to be in, while there will be opportunities for me here, I believe there will be better opportunities for me somewhere else. Even one of my professors who I am also close friends with has told me she thinks I'd be better off getting outta town and going somewhere else. There's no point in me trying to find something right now when I don't even know where I'm gonna be in 4 months. Not only that, but my confidence is completely shattered anyways (not just because of this girl, either), I need some time away from women in general right now.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Nell, both girls and guys flirt with the idea of liking someone. I am guilty of it plenty, and I've had it done to me plenty too.

Honestly, I wouldn't ever get invested in the idea there might be something between two people until you've kissed. And even then, proceed with caution if drink was involved. It's one of the reasons I'd prefer to kiss someone at the end of the first date - it's a physical confirmation that you fancy them. And even then, it doesn't confirm they are interested in anything long term. Tonnes of people are interested in someone enough to wanna 'get jiggy' but would hate the idea of actually being with them. And I've kissed a date I wasn't interested in at all, didn't even fancy... Poor guy, must have confused the hell out of him when I never called

There are plenty of people out there who will SAY things that can be interpreted to mean more, but aren't actually committing to anything specific. And there are also plenty of people who will SAY they feel a certain way when they don't, or won't tomorrow.

A lot of the time it's because we are unaware of the fact anything might become of it, and we're just in the moment. Other times it's because we are lonely and just enjoy the feeling of being admired/wanted by ANYONE at all.

I mean, I've flirted to the point of raunchy photos with a friend from uni because I thought it was a bit of fun - and then had to back track when he started asking me if I wanted to go out with him.

I have taken advantage of a nice guy who had a thing for me and called him to come rescue me several times when drunk, because I knew he'd take me home and cuddle up with me on the sofa and make me feel safe - even though I was not attracted to him and it sent him very mixed signals.

I will give my number to pretty much anyone who asks because it's much more awkward to say no to their face than ignore their text later. And I've even decided to text them and re spark some interest, before deciding against it again a few days later.

Nothing you've mentioned in your posts marks any actual concrete evidence that the girl was ACTUALLY interested in starting something real with you.

And it is not worth getting worked up about something that was never there too begin with.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I think Hopeful covered it there. Outside of what she said I can't think of much to add outside of this seems to be a recurring problem for you. Maybe it's a lack of actual relationship experience. I take it you're still a virgin?

I would simply say that being a virgin you probably don't realize flirting is not serious. Not generally speaking at least. I mean often times girls do overdo it. I think certainly when you're outside of your twenties (or in your later twenties) you should stop flirting with someone unless you'd at least want to s*** their d*** given the chance. However the girls in your age group do it because it's good sport, because most guys they know are cripplingly insecure due to still being "just kids" in the eyes of society. So they are very easy to manipulate, especially when there is some end involved. Sometimes it's something like "free drinks" and money, and other times they just want fun and attention.

 

[Erzengel]

Nell, I say graduate, move to a place that benefits you and your degree, then worry about dating.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Nell, both girls and guys flirt with the idea of liking someone. I am guilty of it plenty, and I've had it done to me plenty too.

Honestly, I wouldn't ever get invested in the idea there might be something between two people until you've kissed. And even then, proceed with caution if drink was involved. It's one of the reasons I'd prefer to kiss someone at the end of the first date - it's a physical confirmation that you fancy them. And even then, it doesn't confirm they are interested in anything long term. Tonnes of people are interested in someone enough to wanna 'get jiggy' but would hate the idea of actually being with them. And I've kissed a date I wasn't interested in at all, didn't even fancy... Poor guy, must have confused the hell out of him when I never called

There are plenty of people out there who will SAY things that can be interpreted to mean more, but aren't actually committing to anything specific. And there are also plenty of people who will SAY they feel a certain way when they don't, or won't tomorrow.

A lot of the time it's because we are unaware of the fact anything might become of it, and we're just in the moment. Other times it's because we are lonely and just enjoy the feeling of being admired/wanted by ANYONE at all.

I mean, I've flirted to the point of raunchy photos with a friend from uni because I thought it was a bit of fun - and then had to back track when he started asking me if I wanted to go out with him.

I have taken advantage of a nice guy who had a thing for me and called him to come rescue me several times when drunk, because I knew he'd take me home and cuddle up with me on the sofa and make me feel safe - even though I was not attracted to him and it sent him very mixed signals.

I will give my number to pretty much anyone who asks because it's much more awkward to say no to their face than ignore their text later. And I've even decided to text them and re spark some interest, before deciding against it again a few days later.

Nothing you've mentioned in your posts marks any actual concrete evidence that the girl was ACTUALLY interested in starting something real with you.

And it is not worth getting worked up about something that was never there too begin with.

I think Hopeful covered it there. Outside of what she said I can't think of much to add outside of this seems to be a recurring problem for you. Maybe it's a lack of actual relationship experience. I take it you're still a virgin?

I would simply say that being a virgin you probably don't realize flirting is not serious. Not generally speaking at least. I mean often times girls do overdo it. I think certainly when you're outside of your twenties (or in your later twenties) you should stop flirting with someone unless you'd at least want to s*** their d*** given the chance. However the girls in your age group do it because it's good sport, because most guys they know are cripplingly insecure due to still being "just kids" in the eyes of society. So they are very easy to manipulate, especially when there is some end involved. Sometimes it's something like "free drinks" and money, and other times they just want fun and attention.

This isn't some 20 year old college girl that I flirt with, this is a 30 year old woman whom I have a history with, a history with in person when we lived in the same area, and a history with the past couple years since we've gotten back in touch with each other. It's not random flirting that I've taken out of context, it's been her flat out telling me that I'm someone she would marry, she has feelings for me, and if we were in the same place that we would give it a shot. This isn't flirting that's beaten around the bush, the subject has flat out been discussed in serious context. And now she wants to act like it hasn't been.

And for the record, yes her and I have kissed.

 

[jaymes_e06]

Nell, I say graduate, move to a place that benefits you and your degree, then worry about dating.

Same.

 

[Erzengel]

This isn't some 20 year old college girl that I flirt with, this is a 30 year old woman whom I have a history with, a history with in person when we lived in the same area, and a history with the past couple years since we've gotten back in touch with each other. It's not random flirting that I've taken out of context, it's been her flat out telling me that I'm someone she would marry, she has feelings for me, and if we were in the same place that we would give it a shot. This isn't flirting that's beaten around the bush, the subject has flat out been discussed in serious context. And now she wants to act like it hasn't been.

And for the record, yes her and I have kissed.

Again why would you even contemplate moving near her, if she's being all hot and cold?

 

[Anita18]

I don't think she sounds confused. I think she wants something she can't have. And she will physically keep you at arm's length to keep wanting you at a safe wistful distance. Does that make sense?

Many people get scared when they get what they think they want.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

This isn't some 20 year old college girl that I flirt with, this is a 30 year old woman whom I have a history with, a history with in person when we lived in the same area, and a history with the past couple years since we've gotten back in touch with each other. It's not random flirting that I've taken out of context, it's been her flat out telling me that I'm someone she would marry, she has feelings for me, and if we were in the same place that we would give it a shot. This isn't flirting that's beaten around the bush, the subject has flat out been discussed in serious context. And now she wants to act like it hasn't been.

And for the record, yes her and I have kissed.

Still doesn't sound like you've had much of a relationship. Certainly not to be talking about marriage.

Also, whether she is twenty or not is immaterial. Certainly her hot and cold routine is something I'd expect from younger girls.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Again why would you even contemplate moving near her, if she's being all hot and cold?

I'm not now that she's, as you're puttint it, hot and cold.

It was a consideration when we were both seemingly on the same page, and in a better position to make it a possibility. But its not a consideration anymore.

 

[Anita18]

I'm sorry, but a guy who told me I was marriage material without currently in a serious relationship with me would send up red flags.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm sorry, but a guy who told me I was marriage material without currently in a serious relationship with me would send up red flags.

A girl drunkenly told me she loved me a few weeks ago, and I awkwardly walked away like someone farted. Yeah, that'd be head-for-the-hills territory for me. I'd have to find a safe house or something.