From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

[Anita18]

Okay, no Anita I'm going irrational again. I need to get some uglier friends...

I go outside for a cigarette. Bunch of guys approach me and ask me if I wanna come to the club they are going for a dance. I relish in the attention for two seconds...

Then my two friends come out. All of a sudden, none of them could give two ****s about me...

Is it a wonder I end up getting drunk and drawing attention to myself in other ways by being impulsive and crazy?

They're shallow SOBs and you'd be better off without them anyway!

I have a friend who has a great figure (Asian girl with BOOBS = guys flock even if she doesn't dress to impress), but I really wouldn't know what to do with all the attention. Especially if it was because of my looks. It actually weirds me out majorly.

I think it's mostly that I'm weird. I'm shy and such a wallflower even though I acknowledge I could easily flaunt what I got. I'm actually not that excited to be the center of attention in about a month.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

This.

IF anyone is going to use an online dating site, don't ever try to get to know the person really well. We always imagine someone better than they really are, and this can lead to unrealistic expectations. That will kill it fast when you meet.

Thing of it like sales. "ABC" always be closing.

THis means the less "getting to know" the better until you get some sort of in person meet.

Glengary Glen Ross Speech

I sometimes play it when I work out.

That and Maybe It's My Fault.

 

[Erzengel]

You have to get better at reading people. If a girl likes you, it is never too soon. Waiting to ask her out is a bad idea then.

But if a girl needs more time to warm up to you, then yes, "too soon" does exist.

Relationships are never black and white. The whole confidence thing is for you to get over the block of asking a girl out at all. Most of them might be uninterested, but what if you come across an interested girl and you're too shy to ask her out? That's where practice and being assertive comes in.

Yeah, you shouldn't be thinking in your head, "Okay, I've talked to her for 28, 29 now 30 minutes, it's time to ask her out."

You have to feel like you connected in a certain way and I know you'll hate hearing this but she if she's sending those signals towards you.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Yeah, you shouldn't be thinking in your head, "Okay, I've talked to her for 28, 29 now 30 minutes, it's time to ask her out."

You have to feel like you connected in a certain way and I know you'll hate hearing this but she if she's sending those signals towards you.

There in lays the problem tho: Signals. I see those signals quite frequently. And then when I read those signals as interest, well, I've even been accused in this very thread of taking flirting "too seriously" and not being fun for a woman to hang around.

I had a girl go so far as to tell me one night at a party that she was attracted to ke. We spent the whole party together. She really never left my side. When I made the move on her, I got a flat no. She then spent a good chunk of the next year or so being a ***** to me, and has only recently calmed down a bit and been more friendly.

I've had physical and verbal signals both from women, and when I make the move I'm flat out shot down. I literally had a girl flat out tell me she wanted to have sex with me, then decline to have sex with me and stop talking to me.

I had another girl flat out tell me she was interested in me, and saw something between us, and then bail on me when I made a move to try to progress the relationship.

I've seen all the signals. I've seen all the signs of a girl being Interested in me. And every single time I respond and act on it, it turns out to be nothing more than a girl teasing and playing games for attention. So how can I trust the signals when the signals are never true?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

There in lays the problem tho: Signals. I see those signals quite frequently. And then when I read those signals as interest, well, I've even been accused in this very thread of taking flirting "too seriously" and not being fun for a woman to hang around.

I had a girl go so far as to tell me one night at a party that she was attracted to ke. We spent the whole party together. She really never left my side. When I made the move on her, I got a flat no. She then spent a good chunk of the next year or so being a ***** to me, and has only recently calmed down a bit and been more friendly.

I've had physical and verbal signals both from women, and when I make the move I'm flat out shot down. I literally had a girl flat out tell me she wanted to have sex with me, then decline to have sex with me and stop talking to me.

I had another girl flat out tell me she was interested in me, and saw something between us, and then bail on me when I made a move to try to progress the relationship.

I've seen all the signals. I've seen all the signs of a girl being Interested in me. And every single time I respond and act on it, it turns out to be nothing more than a girl teasing and playing games for attention. So how can I trust the signals when the signals are never true?

Sounds like you wait for the girl to make all the moves.

Which I guess is kind of the point of what me, Erz, and HD all just said.

You should not just look and collect a bunch of signals and try to gauge when the time is right. That's kind of what I was getting at, you should be chronically asking them out, making moves. Not waiting for them to shoot you a signal necessarily. I mean it's great to know those, might help you narrow things down more, but it's not necessary for say wait for her to do X so you can do Y.

 

[Anita18]

I've seen all the signals. I've seen all the signs of a girl being Interested in me. And every single time I respond and act on it, it turns out to be nothing more than a girl teasing and playing games for attention. So how can I trust the signals when the signals are never true?

You're hanging out with an unusually immature group of women, is mostly what I'm gauging here. You ARE still in college, right? I mean, all it is is coffee or a meal out. There's nothing innately offensive about that that would make a sane woman hate you for a year, unless you're making bad jokes about putting it in her butt or something. I trust you aren't THAT clueless.

I don't necessarily agree with Optimus here - sure just asking girls out willy nilly will bring you out of your shell, but it won't help you get dates if you're surrounded by women (or surround yourself with women) who only want to play games and won't seal the deal.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I wanna know how many of those women were drunk when they said they liked you and sober when they decided against it.

 

[Lily Adler]

^ body language. Men into music are more attentive to it than most give em credit for.

Nice to know. Maybe a swing of the hips while singing Lana Del Rey will get his attention.

 

[Erzengel]

There in lays the problem tho: Signals. I see those signals quite frequently. And then when I read those signals as interest, well, I've even been accused in this very thread of taking flirting "too seriously" and not being fun for a woman to hang around.

I had a girl go so far as to tell me one night at a party that she was attracted to ke. We spent the whole party together. She really never left my side. When I made the move on her, I got a flat no. She then spent a good chunk of the next year or so being a ***** to me, and has only recently calmed down a bit and been more friendly.

I've had physical and verbal signals both from women, and when I make the move I'm flat out shot down. I literally had a girl flat out tell me she wanted to have sex with me, then decline to have sex with me and stop talking to me.

I had another girl flat out tell me she was interested in me, and saw something between us, and then bail on me when I made a move to try to progress the relationship.

I've seen all the signals. I've seen all the signs of a girl being Interested in me. And every single time I respond and act on it, it turns out to be nothing more than a girl teasing and playing games for attention. So how can I trust the signals when the signals are never true?

What is your move?

I mean when you say "try and progress the relationship", it sounds like said girl said she was interested you, you asked her out and then she said she wasn't interested?

Or the other girl who you spent the whole party next to? Were you just talking about school? Was there any physical intimacy?

I mean, Anita has a point and I've mentioned it before the "age gap" between you and some of the girls you seem to be interested in and possibly looking for different things. Maybe they like just the attention, maybe they get a sense they can lead you on and the furthest you would go is to just ask them out.

If you're talking to a girl and really getting along, you have to kinda gauge her interest. Make her want to touch you, whether it's just to playfully hit you or push you. Then, you know that physical boundary has been broken a bit, then you lean in and whisper in her ear because it's too loud, touching her on the arm or lower back, or you flip something she says back to her adding a little sexual context. Finally, just throwing caution to the wind and move in.

And obviously this won't work on every girl. You keep progressing towards a form of intimacy until you reach your goal.

If all you do is "just talking"? And your goal is just to "ask someone out" or "get a phone number", maybe you should be more aggressive.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I wanna know how many of those women were drunk when they said they liked you and sober when they decided against it.

One of the girls I talked about was drunk. The one at the party who told me how attracted he was to me and all that.

But they typically aren't drunk doing this stuff. One girl was perfectly sober when she told me that she wanted to have sex with me. I was even alone with her in her apartment when she told me this, but then she declined sex and stopped speaking to me after. This was all in one night and she was sober.

Another girl, we weren't exactly dating, but we were spending a lot of time together. I told her on the front end exactly what I was looking for, and she told me flat out that there was something between us and that her and I were leading to something more. And then she freaked out when I tried to progress the relationship to that something more. She was never drunk while I was with her. This was never in a party or drinking atmosphere.

And another girl, she still does all the same ****, even though she has a boyfriend. She'll touch me, and say all these things to me, she even went as far as to say "You need to find a girl who will suck your dick... a girl like me" - but by this point I was already well aware of her games so I just rolled my eyes at her and walked away, as 1. she has a boyfriend and 2. she's used me to catch my interest just to make guys jealous in the past before anyways, so I pretty much pay her no mind anymore. But she's given me all the signals, plenty of sexual talk and flirting, always touching me and finding ways to get me to touch her, all of it. She may have been drunk at a point or two that she's done it, but she's done this so consistently throughout me knowing her that I know it's not a "drunk" thing.

Those are a few examples, and there's plenty more and alcohol is barely ever involved.

And Erz... a lot of people have mentioned the age, but I don't think it's that. Because I know too many girls in this age range who either 1.) have serious committed relationships, 2.) WANT those serious, committed relationships if they don't already have it, or 3.) are getting married for me to believe that it's just looking for different things because of the age gap. And because you'll ask the follow up question, only one of those girls is part of the regular social group in my department in college. Of those 3, two of them are from outside my regular circle of people.

 

[Anita18]

And Erz... a lot of people have mentioned the age, but I don't think it's that. Because I know too many girls in this age range who either 1.) have serious committed relationships, 2.) WANT those serious, committed relationships if they don't already have it, or 3.) are getting married for me to believe that it's just looking for different things because of the age gap. And because you'll ask the follow up question, only one of those girls is part of the regular social group in my department in college. Of those 3, two of them are from outside my regular circle of people.

A lot of people still get married before 20 but it doesn't mean that most women that age are ready for a serious committed relationship.

Do the girls who say no to you go and get married to another guy right away? I'm betting these are completely different women.

And if they are, unfortunately for whatever reason, they just don't want a relationship with you. And I'm sorry, but telling a guy you'll sleep with him and then getting huffy when he tries to take you up on the offer (or playing games when you're obviousky taken) is just immature. No way around it. And I'm a woman. I'm determining this through that lens. Lots of women can be really, stupidly immature with the attention-seeking. If you're coming across such women so frequently (because I haven't, in my life), either they're seeking you out or you're unconsciously seeking them out.

 

[Erzengel]

And Erz... a lot of people have mentioned the age, but I don't think it's that. Because I know too many girls in this age range who either 1.) have serious committed relationships, 2.) WANT those serious, committed relationships if they don't already have it, or 3.) are getting married for me to believe that it's just looking for different things because of the age gap. And because you'll ask the follow up question, only one of those girls is part of the regular social group in my department in college. Of those 3, two of them are from outside my regular circle of people.

Which age range? Early 20s or early 30s?

My question is, maybe these early 20 year olds don't want to have a serious relationship with a 30 year old? And if some of them are dating 30 year olds, I'd take what Anita said....

A lot of people still get married before 20 but it doesn't mean that most women that age are ready for a serious committed relationship.

Do the girls who say no to you go and get married to another guy right away? I'm betting these are completely different women.

And if they are, unfortunately for whatever reason, they just don't want a relationship with you. And I'm sorry, but telling a guy you'll sleep with him and then getting huffy when he tries to take you up on the offer (or playing games when you're obviousky taken) is just immature. No way around it. And I'm a woman. I'm determining this through that lens. Lots of women can be really, stupidly immature with the attention-seeking. If you're coming across such women so frequently (because I haven't, in my life), either they're seeking you out or you're unconsciously seeking them out.

I have to concur. I know you've mentioned in the past that this is a college town and the 20 year olds are the only ones that are single. You're graduating soon? You'll get a job in your field in another city or state and maybe you'll meet someone you connect with better there.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

You're hanging out with an unusually immature group of women, is mostly what I'm gauging here. You ARE still in college, right? I mean, all it is is coffee or a meal out. There's nothing innately offensive about that that would make a sane woman hate you for a year, unless you're making bad jokes about putting it in her butt or something. I trust you aren't THAT clueless.

I don't necessarily agree with Optimus here - sure just asking girls out willy nilly will bring you out of your shell, but it won't help you get dates if you're surrounded by women (or surround yourself with women) who only want to play games and won't seal the deal.

I don't mean willy nilly, and I can't speak to the women he surrounds himself with, because I know some that just love the attention, every where and anywhere they can get it, but I mean once you have a girl you want to ask out, you got to ask her out.

Most women I hang with aren't like you describe, but it's strange I find college girls easy now. That may be because I am not a student and seen as older economically with a career and actual house (although I think Nell is a bit physically older).

 

[Erzengel]

But you're also talking about hooking up whereas Nell is looking for a date/relationships.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

But you're also talking about hooking up whereas Nell is looking for a date/relationships.

No, not really. I mean I find even in dating you have to go for some reasonable amount of face time right away. Something to break the tension.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

A lot of people still get married before 20 but it doesn't mean that most women that age are ready for a serious committed relationship.

Do the girls who say no to you go and get married to another guy right away? I'm betting these are completely different women.

And if they are, unfortunately for whatever reason, they just don't want a relationship with you. And I'm sorry, but telling a guy you'll sleep with him and then getting huffy when he tries to take you up on the offer (or playing games when you're obviousky taken) is just immature. No way around it. And I'm a woman. I'm determining this through that lens. Lots of women can be really, stupidly immature with the attention-seeking. If you're coming across such women so frequently (because I haven't, in my life), either they're seeking you out or you're unconsciously seeking them out.

This.

 

[Erzengel]

No, not really. I mean I find even in dating you have to go for some reasonable amount of face time right away. Something to break the tension.

Well you're not personally looking at college girls as a long term commitment was my meaning.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I mean even if I'm not looking for a committed relationship, I can't even get hook ups. Even when I have girls flat out telling me either 1.) how much they are attracted to me or 2.) that they don't want a committed relationship with me but want to hook up, even those don't work out.

 

[Erzengel]

Have you ever tried to be actually physical with them?

 

[the last son]

I'm 25 never been in any serious relationship as I've been a huge loner my entire life. I recently have quit drinking as I now have 6 weeks in from 6 long years of drinking. On my off days I'm spending time working out. I have put all pressure off of myself of feeling like I need to find a girlfriend. I have had flings on and off but I have never had a healthy relationship with a woman. I have a hard time building a relationship with anyone lets alone an intimate one. But as of now I am just continuing to sober up, work out, rack up the hours at work and let my love life fall into place. Also, build more confidence in myself to put myself out there a little more. DOes this sound like a solid plan?

 

[Boy Scout]

Yes, it does. Keep it up, my man. I hope your life only continues to improve from here.

 

[Erzengel]

Congrats on the 6 weeks. It's always a good idea to better yourself before entering a relationship. No need introducing someone into a bad situation from the get go.

 

[Anita18]

I mean even if I'm not looking for a committed relationship, I can't even get hook ups. Even when I have girls flat out telling me either 1.) how much they are attracted to me or 2.) that they don't want a committed relationship with me but want to hook up, even those don't work out.

I'll be honest, you sound a lot like my ex-bf. Well, he'd been in several relationships, but they were always with girls with low self-esteem and took advantage of his niceness. (That includes me, in a time of my life I'd like to forget. ) And then after he broke up with me, he shacked up with a girl who strung him along for a year and never slept with him. Yes, even when they lived together in the same dorm room. It was pathetic. There's no other word to describe it. He'd latch onto girls and follow them like a puppy and they'd treat him like a servant. At least I had the dignity to cut him loose before it ever got that bad.

He's now married. All I can surmise is that he just met the right person. That's all. He finally met someone who didn't take advantage of his niceness, and who's by all accounts (I've haven't properly met her, but I have friends who have) just as nice as he is.

So don't give up. If you put yourself out there, you'll meet someone. But in the interim, don't get walked all over on. That's just no fun.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Have you ever tried to be actually physical with them?

Yes.

 

[Erzengel]

So you leaned in for a kiss and she turned away?