From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

[Anita18]

Not necessarily anyone's fault, more like an impossible situation. Like I said earlier, he mentioned in another thread he just got into film school, which I'm assuming is a 4 year commitment. They really connected a few years ago but obviously she still opted for a person who was in closer proximity.

Again, LDs aren't for everyone and it's best he came to terms with this now instead of fruitlessly working on something that would hurt even more than how he is feeling now.

That's what I mean by the other person not stepping up to the plate for you. For an LDR to develop like that, both people have to be all-in. Otherwise it's dead in the water.

It's not "her fault" necessarily, I don't think anyone should be blamed for not wanting to be in an LDR. I mean, it's ridiculous to say, "If not for her not wanting to be in a relationship with me, we'd be in a relationship!" Clearly she doesn't feel the same way about him as he feels about her.

If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and makes that clear, then frankly good riddance. You don't need someone who's wishy-washy on their commitment to you. That only causes more heartache down the line.

As always, I think we're agreeing here and I have no idea what we're arguing about.

 

[Anubis]

It is his fault.

Stop trying to get with chicks that are 100's of 1,000's of miles away.

This is why Facebook is stupid.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I'm concerned about this whole LDR thing myself. I'm glad I don't have to worry about it for another few years though. College. not too bad. *drinks Mountain Dew*

One of my friends just realised that he and his girlfriend are "meant to be" so they started their relationship on Facebook even though they're each in a separate country--the fact is, they kept it very casual as in "if we find someone better, we'll call this off." Thing is, I don't think that's a healthy way to enter a relationship to begin with. It's still working out for them though: it's been almost a year, they haven't "found anyone better."

At the end of the day, what I'm saying is that it all comes down to the people involved.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Anita -- well, most of us were late in wishing you needlesstosay, late or not, goodluck with your new life

 

[Erzengel]

It's still working out for them though: it's been almost a year, they haven't "found anyone better."

Nothing says love like being someone's back up plan.

 

[Anita18]

Nothing says love like being someone's back up plan.

Well when the mister first asked if I wanted to take the relationship further, I basically shrugged. But I wasn't actively looking for "someone better" at the time, so the circumstances are different. I was far too lazy to date around (so is he), and there was nothing very disagreeable about him so I figured why not keep going out with him.

Slippery slope man, slippery slope!

 

[Erzengel]

Well we could all live by the premise, there's always someone better.

But Nate's example, woo. Starting off a relationship online with the premise, well unless we meet someone better? And they've been together for almost a year? I'm wondering if they have even met up yet.

 

[Anita18]

Well we could all live by the premise, there's always someone better.

But Nate's example, woo. Starting off a relationship online with the premise, well unless we meet someone better? And they've been together for almost a year? I'm wondering if they have even met up yet.

Yeah, a Facebook relationship like that? It's like, do you just want to be in a relationship to be able to say you're in a relationship?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Um okay I think I did a bad job explaining this -- they knew each other from school a long time ago, they got together on Facebook recently. It isn't like they hadn't met up or anything. But that isn't the point -- they're still miles apart and starting off with a crazy premise.

And I know for a fact that the guy would go bonkers if she does find "someone better" -- he just doesn't admit to it.

Either way, hey, crazier things have happened right? I mean, it took the last son of a dying planet who grew up on a farm to be Lois Lane's man...

(yes I'm too excited about MoS.)

 

[moviedoors]

I feel like a jerk. I've been dating and having sex with that 20 year old from work, but I've been keeping her at a distance. I've never mislead her. I've been completely honest about not wanting anything serious and she knows that's where I'm at. I know she wants something more, and I told her not to wait for me. Well, now she's dating an Abercrombie and Fitch 19 year old, and goddamnit, I'm having a change of heart. I don't know if it's jealously or it's that I finally have enough distance from my divorce to commit to even just a light relationship. We're so different, but she's so cute, she's so funny, she's so affectionate, but now she's officially settling for the second place guy. There's other girls I have interest in, that I'd like to give a shot to, but now I'm feeling like I could be screwing up something good because I'm too impatient. Maybe. Or, I could pursue the friend I feel like has had a long term crush on me, or I could just go for the girl I just met and barely know because what-the-hell-why-not-she's-cute? Dammit! I never thought my post-divorce problems would be having to decide which girl I should pursue.

 

[Erzengel]

I think it's just jealousy. You enjoyed the intimacy and the attention and now that it's gone, you're having second thoughts. It's natural to miss her.

But you also have to remember you've been separated/divorced for like what 3-4 months? That's not a whole lot of time.

You don't need to jump at the first girl you dated. Dating is always easy. Relationships are hard. And I really don't think you're ready to jump into another committed relationship. Shop around, date, find someone where it wouldn't be a second thought that you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I feel like a jerk. I've been dating and having sex with that 20 year old from work, but I've been keeping her at a distance. I've never mislead her. I've been completely honest about not wanting anything serious and she knows that's where I'm at. I know she wants something more, and I told her not to wait for me. Well, now she's dating an Abercrombie and Fitch 19 year old, and goddamnit, I'm having a change of heart. I don't know if it's jealously or it's that I finally have enough distance from my divorce to commit to even just a light relationship. We're so different, but she's so cute, she's so funny, she's so affectionate, but now she's officially settling for the second place guy. There's other girls I have interest in, that I'd like to give a shot to, but now I'm feeling like I could be screwing up something good because I'm too impatient. Maybe. Or, I could pursue the friend I feel like has had a long term crush on me, or I could just go for the girl I just met and barely know because what-the-hell-why-not-she's-cute? Dammit! I never thought my post-divorce problems would be having to decide which girl I should pursue.

I think the problem here is jealously also, it's like a kid with a toy you were playing with it, but not really that interested, until another kid started to play with it, now you want nothing else except that toy, but if you got it back you'd be just as indifferent as before.

 

[CGHulk]

This helps a lot in discussions with others.

 

[Anubis]

....What does that have to do with the price of hookers in China?

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Ugh. Girl i have been talking with for the last 4 or so months accused me of Facebook stalking and just ended things. Of course i was facebook stalking and i discovered she had started messing around with another guy, so it was all gonna end one way or the other. Love how she flipped it back on me when i confronted her with it. That was classic. It sucks, hardcore, but i havent like gone up in flames, so i guess i have to keep moving on. Havent eaten anything all day tho, my body is like dude youre hungry, i just dont feel like eating.

 

[Anita18]

Ugh. Girl i have been talking with for the last 4 or so months accused me of Facebook stalking and just ended things. Of course i was facebook stalking and i discovered she had started messing around with another guy, so it was all gonna end one way or the other. Love how she flipped it back on me when i confronted her with it. That was classic. It sucks, hardcore, but i havent like gone up in flames, so i guess i have to keep moving on. Havent eaten anything all day tho, my body is like dude youre hungry, i just dont feel like eating.

Yeah, some people are just nuts, and you don't realize it until a few months in. It happens.

And GO EAT SOMETHING!

 

[jenharlowbooks]

Ugh. Girl i have been talking with for the last 4 or so months accused me of Facebook stalking and just ended things. Of course i was facebook stalking and i discovered she had started messing around with another guy, so it was all gonna end one way or the other. Love how she flipped it back on me when i confronted her with it. That was classic. It sucks, hardcore, but i havent like gone up in flames, so i guess i have to keep moving on. Havent eaten anything all day tho, my body is like dude youre hungry, i just dont feel like eating.

I learned early that if you've gotten to the point where you're checking their phone or Facebook for evidence of cheating then the trust is already gone and is damn near impossible to rebuild even if you don't find a smoking gun. No matter the circumstance break ups sick the big one. Hope you're feeling better today.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

I learned early that if you've gotten to the point where you're checking their phone or Facebook for evidence of cheating then the trust is already gone and is damn near impossible to rebuild even if you don't find a smoking gun. No matter the circumstance break ups sick the big one. Hope you're feeling better today.

Well the thing is I wasn't. Like I logged in on like friday cuz I was gonna send her a picture I thought was funny and noticed she liked this picture. So I looked at it and it was a profile picture of her and this guy in what I thought was an all too cozy pose. Well that alone didn't bug me too much until I noticed his post of how he was going dancing with her and some friends, again still no big deal until I saw him respond to something she wrote with like "haha babe ur gonna have to teach me ur dance moves" or some BS like that. Well at that point I sent her a text about how I see that she was going dancing with a guy that looked like he was way more than just a friend. She laughed and said that wasn't the case. So I told her ok and to have fun. Then later that night I see how he posted on her wall how he hadn't felt this way in so long and that she was so awesome. So that next morning I brought all that to her, she stuck to her story that he was just a friend and then she told me how I was being a fb stalker. Which I admittedly was, but there was clearly something there. So it was gonna end now or soon down the road. I mean maybe I was the sole reason it blew up, but I just think she had been looking for an out. Saw that she could make it about me and took it.

And thanks. For the most part I'm doing better. She pops into my head every now and then but it wasn't like yesterday where I was as low as iv ever been.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

FINALLY got out of the little funk I'm in and asked a girl I like for her #. Got it. Didn't work myself up over making it a date or anything, just a simple "hey can I get your # and call / text you sometime?" Yea yea its probably not alpha male forward enough, but I kinda just need to get myself back to the basics right now. Trying not to put any expectations or anything, just a simple one step at a time.

Yea I know, taking it back to Jr. High status... but obviously I need to step back a few steps cuz what I've been doing hasnt been working.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Hey man, do what ya gotta do. Don't worry about anything else.

 

[Erzengel]

FINALLY got out of the little funk I'm in and asked a girl I like for her #. Got it. Didn't work myself up over making it a date or anything, just a simple "hey can I get your # and call / text you sometime?" Yea yea its probably not alpha male forward enough, but I kinda just need to get myself back to the basics right now. Trying not to put any expectations or anything, just a simple one step at a time.

Yea I know, taking it back to Jr. High status... but obviously I need to step back a few steps cuz what I've been doing hasnt been working.

Good Luck.

Well what works in your favor is that you somewhat know her. How well do you know her that you can somewhat cold text her?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Good Luck.

Well what works in your favor is that you somewhat know her. How well do you know her that you can somewhat cold text her?

We see each other occasionally and have a basic familiarity with each other. We both work at the same mall.

 

[Erzengel]

My question is saying going back to basics. What would you have done originally? Ask her out right off the bat?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

My question is saying going back to basics. What would you have done originally? Ask her out right off the bat?

Yea, probably.

 

[OctaviusINC]

Hey folks,

I'm wondering if I can get some advice here...I could really use it.

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and a half. We both live at home. She works at a restaurant and goes to school part time. I'm a full time game production artist. We see each other a couple times a week. We fight on and off...mostly via texting. In fact, I don't think we've ever fought in person. I try to be the best boyfriend I can be...but lately I feel like the bad times are outweighing the good. She's very indecisive. And she has extremely low confidence in herself. If I ever try to calmly discuss a problem with her...she cries and declares that it's her fault and she's awful. She's terrible with money...she can't save...she impulse buys things...and she's always broke. Every time we go out and do something I pay. I can't think of more then 1 or 2 times since we've been together where she treats me to something. Our first Valentines day together she got me nothing. Not even a card. Nothing.

It's gotten to the point where we fight at least once via text all week. Then we go out for the weekend and I drop a lot of money on her. Rinse and repeat. For the past few months. I write her love letters and send them in the mail. I made a website just for us. I made a youtube video for her. I've drawn her tons of comics and pictures about us. When I give her gifts I try to make them thoughtful.I know she loves them. She puts them all over her room and whatnot. But I never get special treatment. I never get anything. I know a relationship isn't about getting anything...but I feel unappreciated.

Friday I bought her a Disney phone case for her birthday since her's broke (this was on top of dinner, a movie, an $80 concert ticket) and the first thing she says when she unwrapped it is, "I really wanted a Spider-man one." That hurt.

Then the next day we fought...and I brought that up. She said she's an idiot. She just says the wrong things. But it just happens so often. Now all this drama is interfering with my work days. I've been thinking about life without her.

I love her. She's very sweet and pure. She's very beautiful. And I don't know if I'm putting too much of an importance on money and gifts. She's full of "I love yous", I know she thinks about me and loves me with all her heart. But things have been rocky as of late. I want a woman...not a girl. But I can't help but think maybe something is just wrong with me.

I instigate a lot of the fights we have. It's mostly over things she says. I used to put her on a pedestal...which is something you should never do with anyone. She's the youngest of 3 siblings...so I try and think that maybe because she's the baby of the family she's spoiled. One of the first fights we had was about how impatient she was and how she never says "thank you" for many things I do for her. She claims to be independent...but she's not. She's always broke...and it's her fault for being it. I'm trying to help her with her spending situation but it's tough. I help her study, I help her manage her money. I just feel like she wouldn't do this for me.

A part of me thinks I'm crazy. That I just over analyze everything. And if we were to just stay in and have some quiet nights together...then that would solve a lot of problems. She's a chill gal. I know she wouldn't complain.

This week I just told her I was done trying. She said she doesn't want to lose me and she'd be a wreck without me. I told her I don't know what to do. She said it sounds like I do. And to be honest...a part of me wants to end things. But a part of me wants to work at this.