Hey folks,
I'm wondering if I can get some advice here...I could really use it.
I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and a half. We both live at home. She works at a restaurant and goes to school part time. I'm a full time game production artist. We see each other a couple times a week. We fight on and off...mostly via texting. In fact, I don't think we've ever fought in person. I try to be the best boyfriend I can be...but lately I feel like the bad times are outweighing the good. She's very indecisive. And she has extremely low confidence in herself. If I ever try to calmly discuss a problem with her...she cries and declares that it's her fault and she's awful. She's terrible with money...she can't save...she impulse buys things...and she's always broke. Every time we go out and do something I pay. I can't think of more then 1 or 2 times since we've been together where she treats me to something. Our first Valentines day together she got me nothing. Not even a card. Nothing.
It's gotten to the point where we fight at least once via text all week. Then we go out for the weekend and I drop a lot of money on her. Rinse and repeat. For the past few months. I write her love letters and send them in the mail. I made a website just for us. I made a youtube video for her. I've drawn her tons of comics and pictures about us. When I give her gifts I try to make them thoughtful.I know she loves them. She puts them all over her room and whatnot. But I never get special treatment. I never get anything. I know a relationship isn't about getting anything...but I feel unappreciated.
Friday I bought her a Disney phone case for her birthday since her's broke (this was on top of dinner, a movie, an $80 concert ticket) and the first thing she says when she unwrapped it is, "I really wanted a Spider-man one." That hurt.
Then the next day we fought...and I brought that up. She said she's an idiot. She just says the wrong things. But it just happens so often. Now all this drama is interfering with my work days. I've been thinking about life without her.
I love her. She's very sweet and pure. She's very beautiful. And I don't know if I'm putting too much of an importance on money and gifts. She's full of "I love yous", I know she thinks about me and loves me with all her heart. But things have been rocky as of late. I want a woman...not a girl. But I can't help but think maybe something is just wrong with me.
I instigate a lot of the fights we have. It's mostly over things she says. I used to put her on a pedestal...which is something you should never do with anyone. She's the youngest of 3 siblings...so I try and think that maybe because she's the baby of the family she's spoiled. One of the first fights we had was about how impatient she was and how she never says "thank you" for many things I do for her. She claims to be independent...but she's not. She's always broke...and it's her fault for being it. I'm trying to help her with her spending situation but it's tough. I help her study, I help her manage her money. I just feel like she wouldn't do this for me.
A part of me thinks I'm crazy. That I just over analyze everything. And if we were to just stay in and have some quiet nights together...then that would solve a lot of problems. She's a chill gal. I know she wouldn't complain.
This week I just told her I was done trying. She said she doesn't want to lose me and she'd be a wreck without me. I told her I don't know what to do. She said it sounds like I do. And to be honest...a part of me wants to end things. But a part of me wants to work at this.
Sounds like there's work that needs to be done on both sides. If you really want to be treated a certain way by her, you have to tell her. Emphasize that this isn't her doing anything "wrong," cause gosh knows nobody acts the same in every relationship. But this is what you personally want and need, and it would be a big help if she could do that for you.
And if she just isn't the kind of person to apologize or say thank you, if you know in your heart that she isn't really taking advantage of you, sometimes it's better to learn how to live without them. They're just words.
Low self-confidence and being stressed are huge issues for someone to overcome, let alone for a partner to live with. My coworker has HUGE issues with her husband because of her OCD and anxiety. Everything has to be perfect, because if something isn't perfect, it means she's a crappy wife/mother/daughter/student/anything. I don't know his side of the story, but even when she tells her side, I can tell that a lot of it's from her OCD and it isn't all his fault. She wants him to do chores, but then she has to do them all over again because he doesn't do it the way she likes it. It's like...how DOES one start to sort that out? She even thinks of him as another child because she has to "clean up after him" all the time, like she doesn't understand that a non-OCD person could NEVER live up to her expectations. She craves perfection and control because of her low self-confidence, and that stress affects her relationships.
You can't fix those issues for her, but you can acknowledge they exist, and support her. But I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to enable her physically, like with money or gifts. Just tell her she's not crazy and don't judge her. Mostly you just need to listen.
But keep in mind that if she's so fragile and bad with money, unless she takes initiative and works on those issues herself, you can't fix them for her. They will be there down the road, when you have more financial issues (as well as life decisions) at stake. I definitely know couples where the husband is the main breadwinner and the wife spends a lot of his money and the relationship is fine, but both parties have to be okay with that.
We are all the sum of our experiences. It's how we let those experiences effect us now.
I mean the only way you'll know if she actually has issues is by dating her. I mean if you are hesitant, take it slowly. See if you are compatible. You might date her and she might not be the one for you. But you'll only know that by dating.
I agree.
That's exactly how I was feeling too. If he is going to harass her, it won't stop if I start to date her.
If he's going to harass her, shouldn't it have started by now?
just sayin. Watch your back SHH 
I find I get along best with people who view money the same way I do - as a tool.
