Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[hopefuldreamer]

I sometimes feel that I have every other trait that a woman would find unattractive. It really bugs me because most of these traits I can't really change. It's been a part of me for most of my life.

I hope you don't mind me asking... but like what?

 

[Hound55]

Of course if someone had told me back when I was 14 that you don't have a burping competition with a guy your crushing on, and you most certainly don't BEAT him, I'd probably have gotten off to a better start

Pfft... He needs to bring it hard or go home...

 

[LOBO3315a]

Lets just count our blessings that the poor girl doesn't have an inbox full of creepy marriage proposal and sex requests, while the more extreme stalkers track her ip address.

Quit giving away my Techniques!!!!!!

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I dont know if the whole confidence bit is quite what it's made out to be.

I've developed the absolute most confidence in myself that I've ever had in my life, and it hasn't even netted me so much as a date.

Im not saying im Dos Equis guy in the confidence department, and I still have my own insecurities I need to deal with, but by and large I am a happy person, with a direction and a plan, and I dont complain about how much this, that or the other thing sucks.

Im constantly told by people (including women) about how confidently I carry myself, how likable of a person I am, how fun I am to be around, i even have women semi regularly complimenting my style / fashion / appearance, but when it's time to try to get a date, its the same old song and dance. "oh... No... Sorry but no"

So im literally at a point in my life now where I am at a loss.

Confidence is a fluid concept that's a little hard to grasp or put in words. Like Erz pointed out, your stories always seem to include passive behavior, and you also seem to be desperate in most cases. Desperation is definitely one of those things, if you feel it, other people sense it.

Like Hopelesssuicide says, confidence often manifests itself it just these gut emotions that you are 100% right. Just kind of that air that you know what you're doing, or you know what to do in any given situation.

This sticks out to me: "a direction and a plan". It's good to have direction, and it's good to plan for certain things, so there's nothing overtly wrong with this. I wonder what you mean though?

With women I would say I really have no plan, but usually when I talk to them I'm very relaxed but I would say I don't really think of what I will say unless it's a text. Things like dates, dancing at a club, and flirting are all pretty spontaneous. Plans are pretty dangerous in social intereaction because the other person(s) are not aware of your plan, so it's pretty easy to throw a wrench in there. Also, if someone sense you have a plan, or a direction, specifically one you're not at yet, they'll only tolerate you if they want to be on the same direction you are.

To make an analogy (that is suggestive ) If you were an amusement park ride, people will want to ride you more if they feel they can get off the ride at any time. When you're really confident you tend to think things will just "work".

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Like Hopelesssuicide says,

How depressing



Seriously though, I agree.

The hardest thing about something as unpredictable as confidence with the other sex, is that it's very difficult too teach.

Some people are just naturally empathic. And I don't mean some mystical brain power, but that they are good at picking up on body language and inflections in tone of voice, reading into the hidden meanings of people's words based on the context, and a bunch of other things I'm not particularly smart enough to explain.

And because of that, their success rate is bound to be higher. They are kind of experts at being able to tell if they are in with a shot and how to get it.

You can be the most confident person in the world, but if your not good at reading people, your still going to be wrong if you think they like you and they don't, no matter how confidently you approach them.

 

[DBryan]

So much of my free time is spent -

Playing video games.
Watching films (good films)
Reading comics and books
Watching science fiction shows, or good dramas (like Breaking Bad)
Among a lot of other little hobbies.

I want to share that with a partner, quite frankly. I think she'd probably get bored being around me if she wasn't at least open to new things.

When's there gonna be someone who sees that actually, these interests require intelligence... intelligence I put to use when I make short films...

 

[bullets]

Playing video games doesn't require intelligence , lol. I'm sure you could get her to do most other things but don't force anything on her.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

How depressing

Hah! I just caught that. Yeah, I guess 'Hopeful' is not what my brain thinks of when it has to type the word 'suicide'

 

[SpideyVille]

This is a common mistake that people make, including myself at one point. They think about what they like and how they hope their ideal partner is also into it. But what they don't think about is what about their partner's hobbies? You want them to be into yours, but are you willing to be into theirs? Its this kind of selfish mentality that makes it so that people hurt their own chances of finding someone special. Its a two way street of give and take and sometimes people need to be more open to what they will accept.

 

[bullets]

Stuff like that you should always compromise. I used to have to watch home makeover shows before my wrestling on Monday nights. Usually you'll be able to find something you both enjoy doing together though. Also I don't like to crowd the other person all the time. I think it's good for both people in the relationship to have some alone time.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah and it goes back to the main point of if you don't have something in common, can you at least tolerate it. There are some people who can't do that and must have it their way, and more often than not, the relationship doesn't last too long unless the other person decides to stick around regardless.

I know for me, the girls I fell the hardest for were girls that shared common interests like art and some kind of comic knowledge. But now, I've noticed that I've been more surprised and excited by girls who will simply accept those parts of my life and not judge me or look down on me for it because that's more important because they are accepting me for who I am and not because I'm similar to them.

 

[DBryan]

Playing video games doesn't require intelligence , lol. I'm sure you could get her to do most other things but don't force anything on her.

Playing Portal, Zelda games, Metroid Prime, requires intelligence.

Being able to spot and talk extensively about artistic themes in Ico and Silent Hill requires intelligence.

A video game is a collective creative work, just like a film, and can be as deep and as clever as a film.

It's unintelligent, to dismiss video games as not as valid as other mediums.

It's precisely that closed-mindedness that turns me off in a partner.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

I woke up this morning with three messages in my POF inbox...


One is definitely a 7/10, the other is probably a 5/10 and the other is probably a 4/10...

One of them is 18, but looks 15...

I'll...just...see where this goes and play it cool...

 

[DBryan]

This is a common mistake that people make, including myself at one point. They think about what they like and how they hope their ideal partner is also into it. But what they don't think about is what about their partner's hobbies? You want them to be into yours, but are you willing to be into theirs? Its this kind of selfish mentality that makes it so that people hurt their own chances of finding someone special. Its a two way street of give and take and sometimes people need to be more open to what they will accept.

It really depends on what it is she's into.

I wouldn't be into football (soccor), I find it incredibly boring. But say she's really into hiking, even though that is something I don't have much experience with, I could get into it. I dig scenary. If she's into a genre of books that I'm unfamiliar with, I could get into it. Except if its Twilight.

It really depends.

 

[Spider-Who?]

I hopped on the POF bandwagon for kicks. Lots of uhgos on there. Uhgos and sleazers.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

This is a common mistake that people make, including myself at one point. They think about what they like and how they hope their ideal partner is also into it. But what they don't think about is what about their partner's hobbies? You want them to be into yours, but are you willing to be into theirs? Its this kind of selfish mentality that makes it so that people hurt their own chances of finding someone special. Its a two way street of give and take and sometimes people need to be more open to what they will accept.

^This, and you have to ask yourself do you really want to spend every waking second with this person?

If hypothetically someone shared all your interests then you don't leave room for "me time". I'm more concerned whether a girl will tolerate me doing things I like to do, let me do those things, and not complain about them to me. I don't necessarily care whether she wants to take part in all or even most of them. In fact in many cases it's the opposite. I want to hang with my boys then come home to her when I'm done acting like an idiot. Conversely I don't mind if she goes and does things she likes, as long as when she's done we spend some time together.

You are, at the core, looking for a sex partner. You don't have to connect on anything else in particular. I'm not saying it isn't good to share interests, simply that you shouldn't be like "only gamers" or "only geeky girls".

I also notice, as far as girls go, most girls like the idea of guys outside their "routine". Christian Girls and staunch conservatives really love me, and I smoke pot, am an Atheist and I blaspheme God quite a lot, actually. Geeky Girls I find really will break rank. Usually they spend so much time around geeky guys who don't make a move, that some d-bag who'll just say "wanna f***" is refreshing to them. There is always an attraction to "the other", because clique's tend to discourage interactions with "the other(s)" which makes them incredibly attractive.

 

[SpideyVille]

It's precisely that closed-mindedness that turns me off in a partner.

I understand what you mean and agree to some extent. But on a basic level, video games don't require a high level of intelligence. Nowadays the stories and themes are much more complex and deeper, and thats what you're actually judging. But the actual video game playing part is nowhere near the same. A young child can play video game but that doesn't make them capable or incapable of engaging in an intellectual discussion.

One of them is 18, but looks 15...

This was something that I've been wondering about while looking at these sites. I've seen some good 18-19 year old looking matches, but I kinda feel like that's too young to be on a dating site. I saw this one girl who was 18 with a kid and I can understand that, but its hard to believe that most other young and attractive teenagers are having trouble finding people this early in their lives.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Stuff like that you should always compromise. I used to have to watch home makeover shows before my wrestling on Monday nights. Usually you'll be able to find something you both enjoy doing together though. Also I don't like to crowd the other person all the time. I think it's good for both people in the relationship to have some alone time.

Dear god this. A thousand times this.

I've had a number of girlfriends who didn't understand this. They constantly suffocated me. I'm the type of person who desperately NEEDS "me time" for many reasons. Its my time to recharge my batteries, contemplate things, and pursue my interests (art and writing music). If I don't get enough of that, I become very irritable. That's not to say I never spent time with them - I usually spent most to all of my time with them. But WHENEVER I would try to get that me time, it was always a fight. "Why don't you want to hang out?" "Is there someone else?" "Do you not like spending time with me?"

I'm sorry, but if you're going to ruin my time, my ability to pursue the things that are important to me, to not allow me to breath and reacquaint myself with "true north", you don't deserve my time at all.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

This was something that I've been wondering about while looking at these sites. I've seen some good 18-19 year old looking matches, but I kinda feel like that's too young to be on a dating site. I saw this one girl who was 18 with a kid and I can understand that, but its hard to believe that most other young and attractive teenagers are having trouble finding people this early in their lives.

Well, this young teenager here wasn't exactly the most attractive thing I've ever seen, so I could see why she might be looking around. I don't think I'll be all that compatible, unless she's into guys in their mid 20's who acts like they're in their mid 40's...

 

[Nave 'Torment']

okay so this is a fast response to my previous post a few days ago. i'd been offline for the most part because i'm away from home atm.

anyway, i see that my post did come off as sort of sexist, but rest assured that im not the kind of person who's going to label an entire gender based on my experiences with some. i still have, of course, a lot of RESPECT but what i shud have been more careful to write was that my openness towards women would indeed be effected after this. i know it might seem extreme, but thats just the way im feeling right now - big downer. it wasnt exactly easy to go through an entire week with no response, but i dont think im going to hold it against that girl or anyone else. however, i will hold it out against myself - i'll never, ever, again try and be so naive in the future. it's wrong, self-deprecating, and in the end just plain hurtful. in that regard, in the utmost sense of trying to be a bit more mature about my emotions, i'll of course place certain reservations that weren't there before. towards an entire sex because of one girl? yes, i think its sound, because it isnt me trying to label femininity or anything like that, its me setting up personal boundaries for myself. that shouldnt be sexist. emotions are hurtful, but once you get some experience with them its better to put them to use instead of dismissing them as "the other person's fault" and going back to square-one.

as for the girl... yeah, like i said, im away from home i havent met up with her yet. tried calling, didnt work. she called, i wasnt there. a week ago i'd have been making up ballads on that but i wont do that. not unless i see that there is something tangible from her side. never again. it's hard enough taht she reminds me a lot about my previous girlfriend, which is, to be honest, again unfair to this girl. i'll stop it. i'll have to stop it. i have to be better than this.

thanks for all the help guys, really. cheers.

 

[SpideyVille]

It really depends on what it is she's into.

I wouldn't be into football (soccor), I find it incredibly boring. But say she's really into hiking, even though that is something I don't have much experience with, I could get into it. I dig scenary. If she's into a genre of books that I'm unfamiliar with, I could get into it. Except if its Twilight.

It really depends.

Bingo. It really depends on the person and the situation.

But I think the most important thing to consider is to "judge" the person on who they are and their personality, and not just what they like or don't like. If I see a cute girl and hear she's into Twilight, I'm not going to pass on her just for that. She could end up being a great girl that I really get along with who just so happens to like something that I don't.

There are some things that are valid dealbreakers like smoking or drinking that show that you are both incompatible. But things like interests need to be taken on a case by case basis because it really depends on how big the interest is. Like I like Superman, but I'm not a comic fan, so it would be unfair for a girl to consider me a comic geek if that's not really what I am. So the most important thing is you at least give the person a chance so you can base an opinion on who they are and not just what they like.

 

[bullets]

It's unintelligent, to dismiss video games as not as valid as other mediums.

It's precisely that closed-mindedness that turns me off in a partner.

I was being facetious but more than likely it might be boring for the other person to sit around and watch you play. It doesn't mean they are close minded if something doesn't interest them. Although I feel like that when I talk to girls about movies sometimes. That's why I find myself on these boards. Certain conversations just aren't appealing to everyone.

I woke up this morning with three messages in my POF inbox...

One of them is 18, but looks 15...
..

That's good I look younger than my age but beware of girls lying about their age. Happens all the time. Also they post older photos of when they were younger or 100 pounds skinnier as I once found out.

 

[DBryan]

Sometimes I think I'm just better off being a bachelor.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well, this young teenager here wasn't exactly the most attractive thing I've ever seen, so I could see why she might be looking around. I don't think I'll be all that compatible, unless she's into guys in their mid 20's who acts like they're in their mid 40's...

Yeah some I can understand, but I'm not going after them.

But another point you mention, I'm seeing girls in their early 20's looking for guys in their mid 20's early 30's and maybe its because I'd rather date younger than older, but why would someone want someone who's 10 years older than them, unless they're looking for more mature qualities like a stable job and financial security. Seeing that is kind of a dealbreaker for me.

okay so this is a fast response to my previous post a few days ago. i'd been offline for the most part because i'm away from home atm.

anyway, i see that my post did come off as sort of sexist, but rest assured that im not the kind of person who's going to label an entire gender based on my experiences with some. i still have, of course, a lot of RESPECT but what i shud have been more careful to write was that my openness towards women would indeed be effected after this. i know it might seem extreme, but thats just the way im feeling right now - big downer. it wasnt exactly easy to go through an entire week with no response, but i dont think im going to hold it against that girl or anyone else. however, i will hold it out against myself - i'll never, ever, again try and be so naive in the future. it's wrong, self-deprecating, and in the end just plain hurtful. in that regard, in the utmost sense of trying to be a bit more mature about my emotions, i'll of course place certain reservations that weren't there before. towards an entire sex because of one girl? yes, i think its sound, because it isnt me trying to label femininity or anything like that, its me setting up personal boundaries for myself. that shouldnt be sexist. emotions are hurtful, but once you get some experience with them its better to put them to use instead of dismissing them as "the other person's fault" and going back to square-one.

as for the girl... yeah, like i said, im away from home i havent met up with her yet. tried calling, didnt work. she called, i wasnt there. a week ago i'd have been making up ballads on that but i wont do that. not unless i see that there is something tangible from her side. never again. it's hard enough taht she reminds me a lot about my previous girlfriend, which is, to be honest, again unfair to this girl. i'll stop it. i'll have to stop it. i have to be better than this.

thanks for all the help guys, really. cheers.

Don't worry man, you're not alone in this. Sometimes you put a lot of care into one person that when they let you down or hurt you, it hurts you to the point where it affects how you look at others in the future. I know I've been there and spent about 2 years pretty much depressed and unable to look at another girl without the fear of being hurt again. Just don't make the same mistake I made and hold things in so that you become bitter for no reason. Consider it a new lesson and experience that builds your character and maturity level. I know its cliche but things will get better, unless you don't allow them to, meaning only you can control how you respond to this disappointment.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Playing Portal, Zelda games, Metroid Prime, requires intelligence.

Being able to spot and talk extensively about artistic themes in Ico and Silent Hill requires intelligence.

A video game is a collective creative work, just like a film, and can be as deep and as clever as a film.

It's unintelligent, to dismiss video games as not as valid as other mediums.

It's precisely that closed-mindedness that turns me off in a partner.

couldnt agree more. strange though, so far every non-gamer i've shown portal to has embraced it! the other day i was having this same debate about video games having the potential to be an art medium and had to bring up the stanley parables in it. like it or not, but people accept it.

the more mainstream stuff, however, especially the linear stuff, really aren't all that intelligent (or require intelligence). i wouldnt say that portal requires one to be an absolute genius-level whiz but it atleast has the illusion of intelligence - it isnt as mindnumbingly bland as most games tend to be. but that, to be honest, is true of all art-mediums.

strangely, its not that hard to let girls (or at least those i encounter) to accept that.

comics... man, thats different